Father Dowling Mysteries (1989–1991): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Face in the Mirror Mystery - full transcript
Someone is impersonating Father Dowling.
(theme music plays)
(knocking at door)
I don't have any money to give.
Oh, actually, we're
the ones giving today.
Well, not exactly.
It's an invitation to come
to St. Michael's for services
every Sunday or
weeknights for prayer.
I'm not Catholic.
Oh.
Well, we do have
a day care center,
if you care to leave
your children there.
How you know I got kids?
Well, I noticed you
have a wedding ring.
And this house is too
big for just a couple.
And, from the number
of trash bags you have,
well, that usually
means a family.
STEPHANIE: Check us out.
There's no obligation.
Okay, maybe I will.
Thank you.
Stop!
I see a turkey
sandwich in your future.
Are you thinking about
food again, already?
Already?
Steve, that doughnut
was four hours
and ten house-call miles ago.
Besides, we're less
than a block away
from our favorite restaurant.
Oh, don't you ever
get tired of that joint?
As the grease ages,
it only gets better.
Ugh, well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go
order the sandwiches,
and I'll hit another house?
You got a deal.
You got any specials today?
The chef's in a bad mood.
Anything you order
is likely to be terminal.
(stammers)
Uh, look if this is a robbery,
I-I-I've got less than...
Don't be cute.
With a $20 million
Princess at stake, I don't
- have a sense of humor.
- What Princess?
What is this, the dumbest
double cross in history?
(chuckles): I think
you're making a mistake.
Yeah?
Like I sent a plane
ticket to someone else?
Like someone else skipped out
on our meeting
at Soldier's Field?
Yes, look,
if you don't believe
m... Will you just stop?
I'm just gonna show you my ID.
A fake driver's license
is nothing to you.
I don't drive.
It's my identification
as a priest.
Here, it's in my inside pocket.
I'm a priest
at St. Michael's.
Is this on the level?
Well, of course!
Can't you see it's all worn?
You can tell I've been
carrying it for years.
You mind telling me how you
knew I was coming in here?
Never mind the
specials, I'm not hungry.
- (door opens)
- Frank?
- (door closes)
- What happened to you?
I-I waited and waited.
I finally just came back here.
Oh, well, uh, I-I
went to the diner.
So did I; it was closed.
(chuckles): Well, you know
how absentminded I can be.
I got lost.
Well, where did you go?
Where did I go?
Well, I-I just went around.
Went around? Around where?
Well, you know, around.
I mean, can't a person have
a few private minutes? Huh?
You weren't gone minutes.
You were gone all afternoon.
- I was?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I must have
lost all track of time.
Steve, I'm so
sorry if I upset you.
Frank, I realize you have
a very hectic schedule.
I think maybe you should
start taking things a little easier.
Now, I know I'm interrupting.
But this can't wait
a second longer.
I've been working up my
courage all day to tell you,
and if I don't tell you now,
it's gonna be much tougher.
But after what you said to
me the other day, Father,
it's so much easier.
Now, please don't
try to stop me.
Marie! What is it?
I'm resigning.
This is my two-week notice.
Now, Swiss steak or
pot roast for dinner?
Resigning?
There you go, trying
to talk me out of it,
and right after I
begged you not to.
Well, yes... I mean, no!
We don't want you to go.
What Frank is asking is why?
No, what Frank is asking is...
Don't think I'm gonna
repeat what you said
to me the other day, Father.
Far too shocking
for her to hear.
Far too shocking for me to hear.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute, Marie.
Where did I say this?
When did I say this?
No disrespect, Father,
but that's just pathetic.
When I came here 22 years
ago to help out Father Hunnaker,
right after my
second husband died,
it was supposed to
be just temporary.
What did Frank say to you?
Now my sister, Rose, has
bought a condo in St. Petersburg.
You know, it's
not fair to be upset
and not talk about it, Marie.
She's invited me to
move to Florida with her,
and I said delighted.
You know how hard
Frank's been working.
He's just not himself lately.
All right, I'll tell you just
how unlike himself he is.
Well, you don't
think for a second
I'm gonna say it
right out loud, do you?
(clears throat)
(whispering)
(doorbell rings)
This St. Michael's rectory?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, tell Dowling I'm ready
for him, huh?
Is Father Dowling expecting you?
No, lady, a lot of cab
drivers just stop by
in case somebody
needs a ride... geez.
Well, I'm sure it must be
a mistake or something,
but I'll check it out.
Well, tell him while he's
evaluating his travel plans,
my meter started
running the second
I hit the curb out there, huh?
(door closes)
Frank, you didn't
call a cab, did you?
Uh... as a matter
of fact, yes, yes.
You got a hot date?
Oh, you guessed it.
Well, I'll tell the cab to
go. I'll take you myself.
No, no, no, no, no... I mean,
I'm sure you've got
a lot of work to do.
There's the, uh, the
parish newsletter.
It's done.
And, uh, how about
my sermon for Sunday?
Typed.
Bulls are on TV tonight.
Frank, you know I only watch
them to keep you company.
Let-let me take you myself.
Well, the driver's already here,
and I'd hate to see him lose a
fare after coming all this way.
I'll see you in the morning.
Can I have the number for
City Cab Company, please?
(crowd chatter)
(bluesy jazz playing)
(men whistling, chattering)
MAN: Come over here, lady.
MAN 2: Drinks on me.
Frank?
Frank!
Not now, Sister.
You could only
be Father Dowling.
Lucky guess.
I am such an admirer of yours.
I've visited nearly every church
in the archdiocese this year,
and of all the sermons,
I loved yours the best.
It was exceptionally thrilling.
And inspiring.
(clears throat)
Well, thank you, um...
Oh, when I heard that
there was a possibility
of my working for you,
I just rushed right over.
I called the agency
and told them you
needed a warm body fast.
Well, of course, you know,
replacing Marie will be somewhat
impossible, Miss, uh, um, uh...
Arlene Drummond, Father.
I realize that this
is just a tryout.
But I want you to know how
very much I'd be honored
to serve you.
Oh, well, thank
you, uh, I guess...
Now! For breakfast,
I have made a
fresh pot of coffee,
if you'd like a little
bit before prayers.
Eggs Benedict is my specialty.
And I make my own
hollandaise sauce.
Actually, all...
If you have to watch
your cholesterol,
I make a mean Belgian waffle,
covered with fresh fruit.
(sighs): Oatmeal.
Oatmeal would be fine.
Good morning, Frank.
Are you all right?
I waited up for you.
Well, uh...
things got very complicated.
"Things"? Is that
what you call it?
Steve, there's
really nothing I can...
Look, Frank...
maybe you don't
remember seeing me,
maybe you were too drunk
or something, but don't tell me
that it was nothing, because
I saw you with my own eyes.
You followed me?
I had to.
Where was I? What was I wearing?
- Was I with someone?
- No.
No, no, no. No more
questions, Frank.
Answers.
You owe me.
What I'm gonna say
is hard to believe.
It's hard for me to believe
it, and I know it's the truth.
Try me. I can
be pretty gullible.
I have a brother,
a twin brother
whose name is Blane.
So you're saying that there's
this guy walking
around who looks...
- exactly...
- Exactly like me.
The only problem is that...
he's not completely
an honorable man.
In fact, he's a...
A creep.
A crook.
All of my life
he-he's been this...
terrible, painful...
(sighs)
I know I should love
him and cherish him...
but I failed him.
I-I failed him as a brother
and I failed him as a priest.
Well, Frank, I mean,
how bad can it be?
You know, I've got relatives
- who aren't completely clean.
- (Frank grunts)
He's a mastermind.
Some think of him
as a criminal genius.
I thought he was dead.
What makes you
think he's still alive?
Because of some men
that were waiting for me
yesterday in the diner.
That's what happened to me when
I went to buy those sandwiches.
Well, these men,
d-did they grab you?
They pulled the shade
down and held me at gunpoint.
- Frank...
- Steve, don't you see?
They thought I was Blane.
He's here in Chicago to
run some big job for them.
Last night I went
looking for him
at some of his old haunts,
but I couldn't find him.
So you're saying that
this master criminal,
this genius, he's the same guy
that I saw last
night drinking rotgut
and dancing with some floozy?
(sighs)
You don't believe me, do you?
(wry chuckle): Frank...
I believe you.
Pretty terrible, huh?
Oh, it's perfect.
For him, the lower the better.
BARTENDER: Hey, you!
Yeah, you.
Who do you think I'm talking to,
the babe with the
dish towel on her head?
The babe is
Sister Stephanie
from St. Michael's
and is entitled to respect.
No offense intended.
Now that the
diplomacy is behind us,
I got business with you,
Mr. Boilermaker Supreme.
- You know me?
- Yeah.
Yeah. $22.75 worth.
I beg your pardon.
I think he's saying that
you walked on a tab.
(laughs) Finally.
When I walked, do you
know where I was going?
- Was I alone?
- You got amnesia?
I got a Louisville
Slugger memory restorer.
Uh, hold it. The
babe's got the bucks.
You better have another hundred
where that's coming from.
- Is that the, uh... Mm-hmm.
- Floozy alert.
Come on, you owe me!
Oh, my God, you're a priest!
- Oh, yes, but last night I...
- Oh, you're disgusting!
No, you don't understand...
All I can say, it's a blessing
that your friends came along
before we got to the hotel.
- What hotel?
- You should be ashamed!
What hotel? It's important.
We got to get over
there right away.
The Wabash. And
you're disgusting, too!
- Uh...
- I don't want your hundred dollars!
(exhales) I got my standards!
(sighs)
(door unlocking)
One good thing about looking
like Blane... getting his key
and not having to
lie about who I am.
You know, Frank, most
people rent here by the hour.
Your brother's been here a
week; he's practically a co-owner.
Yeah. Looks like
we missed the party.
Just don't touch anything.
- Fingerprints?
- No, germs.
I want to go home
and boil my shoes.
Well, it's my
brother, all right.
(siren wailing in distance)
Still addicted to
Cantonese food.
Hey, Frank, the way
these chairs are set up,
doesn't it look like they
were looking at something?
Certainly not the view.
You know, he could've been
giving some kind of a lecture.
Like a chalk talk on this
crime they're pulling off?
Exactly. He could have
brought in a... a blackboard
or a large piece
of paper, but, no...
he would have needed a stand.
My guess is...
Hello.
STEPHANIE: Hello what?
Those lines don't look like
much of anything, Frank.
Ah, that shows you
how ingenious he is.
I told you he was
a master criminal.
Frank, I got a
two-year-old niece
- who could do the same thing.
- Yeah.
Don't you see?
It's a map.
- Here.
- Hm.
Now, if he's after some
$20 million Princess,
this could be a key
to the whole plan.
- Come on, let's go.
- Go where?
To the police.
Um, don't you think
that's a little premature?
Steve, believe me,
Sergeant Clancy's
gonna thank me for this one.
I don't mind skepticism,
and I can handle rejection,
I can even handle ridicule,
but she was embarrassed for me.
Steve, I'd never do
anything to embarrass you,
but I have got to
know just what it was
- that Marie told you I said.
- Oh, no, Frank,
- you really don't want to know.
- I have to.
Okay. But if you
don't understand it,
I'm not gonna explain it to you.
Oh, my.
Now, Marie's not
gonna make that up...
She doesn't have
it in her vocabulary.
Neither do I.
Well, it must've
been my brother.
Don't you see?
He was in the rectory
when Marie came in.
And he found my schedule.
That's how he knew
to tell those men
I'd be at the diner.
Yeah, but why?
(phone ringing)
St. Michael's.
Yes, this is Father Dowling.
Oh, hello, Monsignor.
You didn't get what check?
Monsignor, I couldn't have
RSVP'd for the convocation.
I didn't receive a notice.
(sighs) Yes, I know my
memory is not perfect.
Wait a minute.
I accepted personally,
or over the phone?
And you're sure it was me?
Well, a-all right, I'll get a
check out to you right away.
Yeah, a-and give my
regards to the cardinal.
MAN: It's been 30 years since
my last confession, Father.
- (lighter flicking)
- Blane?
Is that you?
BLANE: You remembered.
How are you, Frank?
Still perfect?
Still so good?
No. Very human.
I can see that you
haven't changed.
We never really
change, do we, Frank?
We can...
if we'll try.
I always regretted that I
was never able to help you.
Still trying to save me, huh?
No.
Only God can do that.
You're involved
in something here.
And what's worse,
you're involving me
and the Church.
(Blane sighs)
I came here to warn you.
Leave this alone...
and you won't get hurt.
(exhales)
STEPHANIE: Frank?
Steve.
Come here.
There's someone I want you to...
(sighs): meet.
I think I made a breakthrough.
I held the shade over the lamp
to enhance the drawing,
and the heat from the bulb
brought out these numbers.
On the side here.
Yeah, that's fascinating,
Frank, but I'm afraid we got
kind of a more immediate
breakthrough on our hands.
- The kitchen?
- Also known as World War Ill.
Oh.
(low grunt, footsteps)
(clacking, rustling)
Marie? Is something the matter?
No, Father, not
something, someone.
That woman!
Well, what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
She gets here
before I do, packs up
all my personal belongings,
says she's just
trying to be helpful.
Well, maybe she is.
Maybe she was just...
Just trying to ease me
out, slide me out the door,
and I've still get 12 days
left on my notice to quit.
Yeah, well, just remember,
it was your decision to quit.
And don't try begging me
to change my mind and stay,
'cause it won't do you any good!
ARLENE: Father, I have cleaned
your shoes... and I've
spot-cleaned your topcoat.
(giggles)
DOWLING: Well,
that's very kind of you.
However did you
get it this dirty?
I think now it looks
almost like new.
(chuckles) This isn't
really necessary, you know.
Father, I am
delighted to serve you.
And now that the
kitchen is, uh...
organized more efficiently,
I think...
that we're going to have
time for extra projects.
I'll bet!
Arlene, when you cleaned
my coat, did you by chance
empty the pockets?
Oh, yes. They
were filled with trash.
Where, uh... what
did you do with it?
In 22 years, I never
threw anything away.
Oh, well, I didn't
throw anything away.
It's right here.
I was just about to ask you,
what would you like
for me to do with it?
Are you going out,
or are you dumping a
very small load of trash?
(Dowling laughs)
No, this is the napkin
we picked up at
my brother's hotel.
Oh, Chinese food.
Mm. You know, from
all the cartons we saw,
he must have been in
that restaurant all the time.
It's not much of a lead, but I
thought I should go by there.
Yeah, but Frank, if he
wanted to talk to you,
he would have stayed that
night he came to the church.
Yeah, I know, but
I can't let him go.
I can't do nothing while
he commits a crime.
Well, why don't you let
me go to the restaurant?
If he shows up, I'll call you.
That way, you can work on
your window shade theory.
- Absolutely not.
- Absolutely not.
I know, I know, but all I'll
do is hang around, I promise.
And wait.
(lively music plays,
crowd chatter)
Believe me, I've had a
lot of experience waiting.
Hmm. What about Chinese food?
Oh, I practically grew
up on plum sauce.
For a while, we lived up
above a Mandarin restaurant.
All right, I guess there's
only one question left to ask.
You mean, the skating?
No problem.
You sure? Look, the
gimmick is, we all skate.
The fastest service
on eight wheels.
I thought of it myself.
Hey, and business has doubled.
Well, when I was a kid,
growing up in the neighborhood,
we played stickball on skates,
and my team always won.
All right. Why don't
you, uh, go in the back
and get changed, and
we'll give you a chance?
Great. Thanks.
(rock and roll plays)
(sighs)
Can I help you?
Oh. Now,
can I help you?
(dishware clattering)
(sighs)
(whispering): Hey, come here.
See those guys
that just sat down?
Yeah.
Can I wait on them?
Oh, no, no. You see,
that-that's my table.
And you see the guy
in the, uh, brown tweed?
Guy's a big tipper.
Well, can I just bring him
some tea or something?
I really need the practice.
All right, sure.
Thanks.
MAN: Oh, my God.
- I'm very sorry.
- MAN 2: Unbelievable.
I'm so, so sorry.
I'm new. It's my
first day. I'm really...
very sorry.
BLANE: Let's get out of here.
You're fired.
Thank you.
WAITER: Oh, great. Now
look what you've done.
Hey.
- Where do you think you're going?
- Be right back.
(grunting)
Not with our skates.
(sighs)
Well...
what happened to you?
Got a couple bruises
that are beauts.
$6.50 in tips.
Steve.
And this.
Sorry it's a little damp.
He was writing on it,
so, uh, I thought you
might want to see it.
He came into the restaurant
while you were there?
Let's just say, I sort
of bumped into him.
Ah.
That's very interesting.
Oh, I did figure out the
numbers on the shade.
Oh, yeah?
Mm-hmm. You see, first, I
thought they were addresses,
but then it came to me.
They're times of day.
But they're in
military parlance.
Like 1502... that means
two minutes after 3:00
in the afternoon.
Uh-huh.
And there are five of them...
One for each business
day of the week.
So what do you think
about the placemat?
Very interesting.
16 1/2, 34.
17 1/2, 36.
15, 33.
Are they dates?
(mutters)
By any chance, were there
three men with my brother?
Two of 'em quite large?
Yeah. Major beef on the hoof.
Why?
Men's shirts.
I think they're neck
and sleeve sizes.
What, your brother's
gonna buy 'em new clothes?
Well, maybe not buy.
Maybe just...
rent, like costumes.
And maybe they're
all gonna dress up
and kidnap this Princess
that's worth $20 million.
Maybe the-the lines
on the shade are sort of
a diagram to her
house or something.
No, I don't think so.
My brother's always
been the master
of all the gentlemanly arts.
You know, safecracking,
forgery, jewel thieving.
He's never committed
a crime against a...
Against a person.
What is it?
The Princess.
It's not a who, it's a what.
The Princess Diamond.
It's worth at least $20 million,
and it's right here in Chicago.
I read about it the other day.
He's gonna steal it.
When?
Well, according to the
numbers on the shade,
if it's today, in
about a half hour.
Come on.
(speaking indistinctly)
- Frank?
- Hmm?
That's one of the guys
from the Chinese restaurant.
Very discreetly, hustle to
a phone and call Clancy.
I'm gonna reconnoiter.
Okay.
(muffled breathing)
(sighs)
Don't panic. There's
a robbery going on.
What?
(whispers): A robbery.
All right, all right.
Just... don't shoot me, please.
Not me. The phony guards.
I'm sorry. That's the same
guard company that's here
every day.
You don't understand.
They're fake.
Please. I don't want to
have to call security, sir...
They're getting away.
Well, sir, the...
(alarm ringing)
- Nobody panic.
- (woman whimpers)
- Don't move.
- (woman gasps)
(alarm continues ringing)
(sirens blaring)
(tires screeching)
Freeze!
- Right here.
- Keep 'em up.
OFFICER: Hey, spread 'em, pal.
Come on!
Other hand.
- Let's go.
- (handcuffs clicking)
We got 'em, Frank.
Yeah.
Sergeant, if you
look in that case,
I think you'll find a very
expensive diamond.
OFFICER: Let's go.
Well-Well, what kind
of a double cross is this?
Where's my brother?
OFFICER: Watch your head.
MARIE: Yes, Father?
Ah. Marie.
I, uh, asked you to step in
because I wanted to tell you
that I'm dedicating
Sunday's mass to you.
Thank you, Father.
Well, it's a small recognition
for all the years of service
you've given to St. Michael's.
Well, I'm sure that's very nice.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the travel agent
to pick up our
tickets for Florida.
She didn't believe
the explanation
about your twin brother, huh?
I'm afraid not.
I told her, he was
the one that said...
Well, you know.
You know, my theory
is that my brother
had those thugs deliberately
detain me in the diner.
Yeah, you're right, but...
Excuse me.
Somebody's forgotten.
It's lunch time!
(laughs)
I didn't forget.
I just don't usually eat lunch.
That's what Marie said, so,
this is just a little salad,
some soup and
the tiniest smidgen of my
pineapple upside down cake.
Really?
(Arlene laughs)
Oh, Father,
if you're looking for your
appointment book, I've got it.
A little reorganizing.
(chuckling): Could hardly
read those numbers.
You really should try
printing more, Father.
Your handwriting
is barely legible.
(sing-songy):
You're right there.
Oh. We mustn't forget
the cardinal's
convocation this afternoon.
Just because you
missed the luncheon,
there's still the reception.
Hmm. I'm not forgetting it.
I'm just not going.
The cardinal is going
to be very disappointed.
(laughs)
Piece of work, huh?
Yes, she is.
But she's not
what's bothering you.
If you're not gonna
try that cake, can I?
I think I'll go out for a while.
Where to?
Back to the jewelry store.
Something is wrong.
You're not going without me.
(whistling)
Hmm.
(whistling)
Hi, there, Father.
Sorry, Frank, the DA's
office won't be ready
for you till tomorrow.
But I'm sure they
asked me to come in
some time today to
make a statement.
(chuckles): See, even a hero
can't fight the bureaucracy.
Hm, I guess not.
How about if I buy
you a cup of coffee?
Well, actually, there's
something I would enjoy more.
Do you suppose I could
see that fabulous diamond
that they were stealing?
Sorry, Frank, it's locked up
in the police property
room as evidence.
Not even a peek? It's only fair.
After all, you wouldn't
have it if it weren't for...
Excuse my skepticism, Father,
but after what
happened yesterday,
I don't know what to think.
STEPHANIE: There's a
lot of that going around.
When did you last
see my brother?
Well, we were talking
right here in the office
just a few minutes
before the robbery.
Could you tell me what about?
(chuckles): Well, buying
the Princess, of course.
You were...
He had written me from
Paris, saying he represented
a syndicate interested
in the purchase.
His bank references
were impeccable.
He probably forged them.
Mm, go on, please.
Well, we had a
preliminary meeting,
in which he inspected the gem
and presented
his letter of credit.
And the next meeting you
had was the day of the robbery?
Correct.
In fact, that's why the
Princess was out of the vault
and on my desk.
Then, all of a sudden,
he excused himself.
And vanished.
(chuckles): The
next thing I knew,
the thieves were right
here in my office, with guns.
Hm, terrible.
Well, I'm grateful
that nobody was hurt.
Thank you so much for your time.
Ironic, isn't it?
The police have the, uh,
Princess as evidence
and they have the thieves.
They're all in jail.
Yes.
One thing more.
When he inspected the,
uh, diamond, what did he do?
Did, uh, did he examine
it with a, a loupe, or, uh...
He was very thorough.
That's why I was so sure
that the sale was legitimate.
He weighed it, he measured it.
He even photographed it.
My brother is very clever.
Maybe even brilliant.
Not as brilliant as you.
You figured it out.
But how did I figure it out?
With the clues that he left me.
Not as smart as
he thought he was.
Well, that's it.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Unless...
What?
Unless he wanted
me to foil the robbery
and put that gang in jail.
And he knew I would do it!
That's why he left here
before they took the diamond.
He knew that the
police were coming.
Yeah, but Frank, what
good does it do him?
He still doesn't
have the diamond.
That's it!
Hm...
Beautiful, isn't it?
As great diamonds go, yes.
Not the slightest flaw.
- Oops.
- Frank!
Rest easy, Sergeant,
it won't break.
What is it, Frank?
I don't know.
Funniest thing, all of a sudden,
a hair on the back of my neck
just stood up.
(chuckles): It's nothing.
But you were just here,
not ten minutes ago.
Did you, by any chance,
show me the diamond?
Of course, that's
why we're in here.
Hm... could I see
it again, please?
Uh, I need the 528.
Thanks.
Hm.
He measured it.
He weighed it.
He photographed it.
And he copied it.
(police sirens wailing)
Where could he be?
Where could he be?
Well, if he's gonna take
a bus or a train or a plane,
he's gonna have
a lot of company.
Ah, I'm not sure, he's
a master at disguises.
Well, one thing's for
sure, he's gonna dump that
phony priest outfit.
Otherwise, he'd stick out.
That's it!
The bishop's invitation!
The one I supposedly
answered that I never saw.
Come on!
He grabbed the invitation
when he snuck into the rectory?
He was stealing it
when Marie came in.
He said what he
said to distract her.
That's how he's
getting away, as me!
OFFICER: Move it!
- (church bells ringing)
- (indistinct voices)
MAN: Well, I think we
should be getting to our bus.
But then again, we didn't
have the rectory we have today.
- (church bells ringing)
- (indistinct voices)
(indistinct voices)
Oh, my.
(police sirens wailing)
Your Eminence!
That man is an imposter.
Thank God the police are here.
Sergeant Clancy,
he's the real thief.
Hold it.
I can tell you who the
real Frank Dowling is.
(clergymen conversing)
Well, Sister Stephanie?
Um, it's... um...
It's g...
(sigh): I don't know,
Your Eminence.
Search us, Sergeant.
The jewel thief obviously
has the diamond on him.
Oh, dear God.
He must have put it in
my pocket in the confusion!
You're under arrest.
Read him his
rights and book him.
But I'm the real Father Dowling.
I can understand your greed,
but to defile the
uniform of a priest...
Steve, ask me a question
only I could answer.
Any question!
Um, when's Marie's birthday?
Oh, you know I can never
remember her birthday!
Ask me something else.
Okay, um...
What was it that your
brother said to Marie?
He said...
He said, uh...
All right, let's go.
He-he said...
(sighs): I can't say it.
That's Frank!
That's the real Father Dowling.
The real Father Dowling
could never say that out loud.
He's the thief!
Arlene?
Well, good morning!
Spare me the
pleasantries, Father.
I came here in good faith,
and gave you the very
best that I have to offer.
Don't think for a
moment that you can
lure me into your service,
and do to me what you have done
to that poor woman!
Good-bye.
Good morning, Father.
Marie?
I got the impression
that Arlene won't be staying on.
How do you like that?
Just up and left you, huh?
Mmm.
Well, I suppose with her type,
really shouldn't surprise me.
But, uh...
Now we have no one.
That is a problem.
Well, I suppose I could
stay for the time being.
Oh?
Well, what about your
sister Rose, in Florida?
Oh, she'd understand.
She's been telling me for
years how my sense of duty
lets you take advantage of me.
Oh... Marie?
What did you tell Arlene that I
did to you that was so terrible?
Did she say that?
Father, you know me better.
Must be somebody
impersonating me.
You know how that goes.
Oh, God...
(knocking at door)
I don't have any money to give.
Oh, actually, we're
the ones giving today.
Well, not exactly.
It's an invitation to come
to St. Michael's for services
every Sunday or
weeknights for prayer.
I'm not Catholic.
Oh.
Well, we do have
a day care center,
if you care to leave
your children there.
How you know I got kids?
Well, I noticed you
have a wedding ring.
And this house is too
big for just a couple.
And, from the number
of trash bags you have,
well, that usually
means a family.
STEPHANIE: Check us out.
There's no obligation.
Okay, maybe I will.
Thank you.
Stop!
I see a turkey
sandwich in your future.
Are you thinking about
food again, already?
Already?
Steve, that doughnut
was four hours
and ten house-call miles ago.
Besides, we're less
than a block away
from our favorite restaurant.
Oh, don't you ever
get tired of that joint?
As the grease ages,
it only gets better.
Ugh, well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go
order the sandwiches,
and I'll hit another house?
You got a deal.
You got any specials today?
The chef's in a bad mood.
Anything you order
is likely to be terminal.
(stammers)
Uh, look if this is a robbery,
I-I-I've got less than...
Don't be cute.
With a $20 million
Princess at stake, I don't
- have a sense of humor.
- What Princess?
What is this, the dumbest
double cross in history?
(chuckles): I think
you're making a mistake.
Yeah?
Like I sent a plane
ticket to someone else?
Like someone else skipped out
on our meeting
at Soldier's Field?
Yes, look,
if you don't believe
m... Will you just stop?
I'm just gonna show you my ID.
A fake driver's license
is nothing to you.
I don't drive.
It's my identification
as a priest.
Here, it's in my inside pocket.
I'm a priest
at St. Michael's.
Is this on the level?
Well, of course!
Can't you see it's all worn?
You can tell I've been
carrying it for years.
You mind telling me how you
knew I was coming in here?
Never mind the
specials, I'm not hungry.
- (door opens)
- Frank?
- (door closes)
- What happened to you?
I-I waited and waited.
I finally just came back here.
Oh, well, uh, I-I
went to the diner.
So did I; it was closed.
(chuckles): Well, you know
how absentminded I can be.
I got lost.
Well, where did you go?
Where did I go?
Well, I-I just went around.
Went around? Around where?
Well, you know, around.
I mean, can't a person have
a few private minutes? Huh?
You weren't gone minutes.
You were gone all afternoon.
- I was?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I must have
lost all track of time.
Steve, I'm so
sorry if I upset you.
Frank, I realize you have
a very hectic schedule.
I think maybe you should
start taking things a little easier.
Now, I know I'm interrupting.
But this can't wait
a second longer.
I've been working up my
courage all day to tell you,
and if I don't tell you now,
it's gonna be much tougher.
But after what you said to
me the other day, Father,
it's so much easier.
Now, please don't
try to stop me.
Marie! What is it?
I'm resigning.
This is my two-week notice.
Now, Swiss steak or
pot roast for dinner?
Resigning?
There you go, trying
to talk me out of it,
and right after I
begged you not to.
Well, yes... I mean, no!
We don't want you to go.
What Frank is asking is why?
No, what Frank is asking is...
Don't think I'm gonna
repeat what you said
to me the other day, Father.
Far too shocking
for her to hear.
Far too shocking for me to hear.
Now, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute, Marie.
Where did I say this?
When did I say this?
No disrespect, Father,
but that's just pathetic.
When I came here 22 years
ago to help out Father Hunnaker,
right after my
second husband died,
it was supposed to
be just temporary.
What did Frank say to you?
Now my sister, Rose, has
bought a condo in St. Petersburg.
You know, it's
not fair to be upset
and not talk about it, Marie.
She's invited me to
move to Florida with her,
and I said delighted.
You know how hard
Frank's been working.
He's just not himself lately.
All right, I'll tell you just
how unlike himself he is.
Well, you don't
think for a second
I'm gonna say it
right out loud, do you?
(clears throat)
(whispering)
(doorbell rings)
This St. Michael's rectory?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, tell Dowling I'm ready
for him, huh?
Is Father Dowling expecting you?
No, lady, a lot of cab
drivers just stop by
in case somebody
needs a ride... geez.
Well, I'm sure it must be
a mistake or something,
but I'll check it out.
Well, tell him while he's
evaluating his travel plans,
my meter started
running the second
I hit the curb out there, huh?
(door closes)
Frank, you didn't
call a cab, did you?
Uh... as a matter
of fact, yes, yes.
You got a hot date?
Oh, you guessed it.
Well, I'll tell the cab to
go. I'll take you myself.
No, no, no, no, no... I mean,
I'm sure you've got
a lot of work to do.
There's the, uh, the
parish newsletter.
It's done.
And, uh, how about
my sermon for Sunday?
Typed.
Bulls are on TV tonight.
Frank, you know I only watch
them to keep you company.
Let-let me take you myself.
Well, the driver's already here,
and I'd hate to see him lose a
fare after coming all this way.
I'll see you in the morning.
Can I have the number for
City Cab Company, please?
(crowd chatter)
(bluesy jazz playing)
(men whistling, chattering)
MAN: Come over here, lady.
MAN 2: Drinks on me.
Frank?
Frank!
Not now, Sister.
You could only
be Father Dowling.
Lucky guess.
I am such an admirer of yours.
I've visited nearly every church
in the archdiocese this year,
and of all the sermons,
I loved yours the best.
It was exceptionally thrilling.
And inspiring.
(clears throat)
Well, thank you, um...
Oh, when I heard that
there was a possibility
of my working for you,
I just rushed right over.
I called the agency
and told them you
needed a warm body fast.
Well, of course, you know,
replacing Marie will be somewhat
impossible, Miss, uh, um, uh...
Arlene Drummond, Father.
I realize that this
is just a tryout.
But I want you to know how
very much I'd be honored
to serve you.
Oh, well, thank
you, uh, I guess...
Now! For breakfast,
I have made a
fresh pot of coffee,
if you'd like a little
bit before prayers.
Eggs Benedict is my specialty.
And I make my own
hollandaise sauce.
Actually, all...
If you have to watch
your cholesterol,
I make a mean Belgian waffle,
covered with fresh fruit.
(sighs): Oatmeal.
Oatmeal would be fine.
Good morning, Frank.
Are you all right?
I waited up for you.
Well, uh...
things got very complicated.
"Things"? Is that
what you call it?
Steve, there's
really nothing I can...
Look, Frank...
maybe you don't
remember seeing me,
maybe you were too drunk
or something, but don't tell me
that it was nothing, because
I saw you with my own eyes.
You followed me?
I had to.
Where was I? What was I wearing?
- Was I with someone?
- No.
No, no, no. No more
questions, Frank.
Answers.
You owe me.
What I'm gonna say
is hard to believe.
It's hard for me to believe
it, and I know it's the truth.
Try me. I can
be pretty gullible.
I have a brother,
a twin brother
whose name is Blane.
So you're saying that there's
this guy walking
around who looks...
- exactly...
- Exactly like me.
The only problem is that...
he's not completely
an honorable man.
In fact, he's a...
A creep.
A crook.
All of my life
he-he's been this...
terrible, painful...
(sighs)
I know I should love
him and cherish him...
but I failed him.
I-I failed him as a brother
and I failed him as a priest.
Well, Frank, I mean,
how bad can it be?
You know, I've got relatives
- who aren't completely clean.
- (Frank grunts)
He's a mastermind.
Some think of him
as a criminal genius.
I thought he was dead.
What makes you
think he's still alive?
Because of some men
that were waiting for me
yesterday in the diner.
That's what happened to me when
I went to buy those sandwiches.
Well, these men,
d-did they grab you?
They pulled the shade
down and held me at gunpoint.
- Frank...
- Steve, don't you see?
They thought I was Blane.
He's here in Chicago to
run some big job for them.
Last night I went
looking for him
at some of his old haunts,
but I couldn't find him.
So you're saying that
this master criminal,
this genius, he's the same guy
that I saw last
night drinking rotgut
and dancing with some floozy?
(sighs)
You don't believe me, do you?
(wry chuckle): Frank...
I believe you.
Pretty terrible, huh?
Oh, it's perfect.
For him, the lower the better.
BARTENDER: Hey, you!
Yeah, you.
Who do you think I'm talking to,
the babe with the
dish towel on her head?
The babe is
Sister Stephanie
from St. Michael's
and is entitled to respect.
No offense intended.
Now that the
diplomacy is behind us,
I got business with you,
Mr. Boilermaker Supreme.
- You know me?
- Yeah.
Yeah. $22.75 worth.
I beg your pardon.
I think he's saying that
you walked on a tab.
(laughs) Finally.
When I walked, do you
know where I was going?
- Was I alone?
- You got amnesia?
I got a Louisville
Slugger memory restorer.
Uh, hold it. The
babe's got the bucks.
You better have another hundred
where that's coming from.
- Is that the, uh... Mm-hmm.
- Floozy alert.
Come on, you owe me!
Oh, my God, you're a priest!
- Oh, yes, but last night I...
- Oh, you're disgusting!
No, you don't understand...
All I can say, it's a blessing
that your friends came along
before we got to the hotel.
- What hotel?
- You should be ashamed!
What hotel? It's important.
We got to get over
there right away.
The Wabash. And
you're disgusting, too!
- Uh...
- I don't want your hundred dollars!
(exhales) I got my standards!
(sighs)
(door unlocking)
One good thing about looking
like Blane... getting his key
and not having to
lie about who I am.
You know, Frank, most
people rent here by the hour.
Your brother's been here a
week; he's practically a co-owner.
Yeah. Looks like
we missed the party.
Just don't touch anything.
- Fingerprints?
- No, germs.
I want to go home
and boil my shoes.
Well, it's my
brother, all right.
(siren wailing in distance)
Still addicted to
Cantonese food.
Hey, Frank, the way
these chairs are set up,
doesn't it look like they
were looking at something?
Certainly not the view.
You know, he could've been
giving some kind of a lecture.
Like a chalk talk on this
crime they're pulling off?
Exactly. He could have
brought in a... a blackboard
or a large piece
of paper, but, no...
he would have needed a stand.
My guess is...
Hello.
STEPHANIE: Hello what?
Those lines don't look like
much of anything, Frank.
Ah, that shows you
how ingenious he is.
I told you he was
a master criminal.
Frank, I got a
two-year-old niece
- who could do the same thing.
- Yeah.
Don't you see?
It's a map.
- Here.
- Hm.
Now, if he's after some
$20 million Princess,
this could be a key
to the whole plan.
- Come on, let's go.
- Go where?
To the police.
Um, don't you think
that's a little premature?
Steve, believe me,
Sergeant Clancy's
gonna thank me for this one.
I don't mind skepticism,
and I can handle rejection,
I can even handle ridicule,
but she was embarrassed for me.
Steve, I'd never do
anything to embarrass you,
but I have got to
know just what it was
- that Marie told you I said.
- Oh, no, Frank,
- you really don't want to know.
- I have to.
Okay. But if you
don't understand it,
I'm not gonna explain it to you.
Oh, my.
Now, Marie's not
gonna make that up...
She doesn't have
it in her vocabulary.
Neither do I.
Well, it must've
been my brother.
Don't you see?
He was in the rectory
when Marie came in.
And he found my schedule.
That's how he knew
to tell those men
I'd be at the diner.
Yeah, but why?
(phone ringing)
St. Michael's.
Yes, this is Father Dowling.
Oh, hello, Monsignor.
You didn't get what check?
Monsignor, I couldn't have
RSVP'd for the convocation.
I didn't receive a notice.
(sighs) Yes, I know my
memory is not perfect.
Wait a minute.
I accepted personally,
or over the phone?
And you're sure it was me?
Well, a-all right, I'll get a
check out to you right away.
Yeah, a-and give my
regards to the cardinal.
MAN: It's been 30 years since
my last confession, Father.
- (lighter flicking)
- Blane?
Is that you?
BLANE: You remembered.
How are you, Frank?
Still perfect?
Still so good?
No. Very human.
I can see that you
haven't changed.
We never really
change, do we, Frank?
We can...
if we'll try.
I always regretted that I
was never able to help you.
Still trying to save me, huh?
No.
Only God can do that.
You're involved
in something here.
And what's worse,
you're involving me
and the Church.
(Blane sighs)
I came here to warn you.
Leave this alone...
and you won't get hurt.
(exhales)
STEPHANIE: Frank?
Steve.
Come here.
There's someone I want you to...
(sighs): meet.
I think I made a breakthrough.
I held the shade over the lamp
to enhance the drawing,
and the heat from the bulb
brought out these numbers.
On the side here.
Yeah, that's fascinating,
Frank, but I'm afraid we got
kind of a more immediate
breakthrough on our hands.
- The kitchen?
- Also known as World War Ill.
Oh.
(low grunt, footsteps)
(clacking, rustling)
Marie? Is something the matter?
No, Father, not
something, someone.
That woman!
Well, what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
She gets here
before I do, packs up
all my personal belongings,
says she's just
trying to be helpful.
Well, maybe she is.
Maybe she was just...
Just trying to ease me
out, slide me out the door,
and I've still get 12 days
left on my notice to quit.
Yeah, well, just remember,
it was your decision to quit.
And don't try begging me
to change my mind and stay,
'cause it won't do you any good!
ARLENE: Father, I have cleaned
your shoes... and I've
spot-cleaned your topcoat.
(giggles)
DOWLING: Well,
that's very kind of you.
However did you
get it this dirty?
I think now it looks
almost like new.
(chuckles) This isn't
really necessary, you know.
Father, I am
delighted to serve you.
And now that the
kitchen is, uh...
organized more efficiently,
I think...
that we're going to have
time for extra projects.
I'll bet!
Arlene, when you cleaned
my coat, did you by chance
empty the pockets?
Oh, yes. They
were filled with trash.
Where, uh... what
did you do with it?
In 22 years, I never
threw anything away.
Oh, well, I didn't
throw anything away.
It's right here.
I was just about to ask you,
what would you like
for me to do with it?
Are you going out,
or are you dumping a
very small load of trash?
(Dowling laughs)
No, this is the napkin
we picked up at
my brother's hotel.
Oh, Chinese food.
Mm. You know, from
all the cartons we saw,
he must have been in
that restaurant all the time.
It's not much of a lead, but I
thought I should go by there.
Yeah, but Frank, if he
wanted to talk to you,
he would have stayed that
night he came to the church.
Yeah, I know, but
I can't let him go.
I can't do nothing while
he commits a crime.
Well, why don't you let
me go to the restaurant?
If he shows up, I'll call you.
That way, you can work on
your window shade theory.
- Absolutely not.
- Absolutely not.
I know, I know, but all I'll
do is hang around, I promise.
And wait.
(lively music plays,
crowd chatter)
Believe me, I've had a
lot of experience waiting.
Hmm. What about Chinese food?
Oh, I practically grew
up on plum sauce.
For a while, we lived up
above a Mandarin restaurant.
All right, I guess there's
only one question left to ask.
You mean, the skating?
No problem.
You sure? Look, the
gimmick is, we all skate.
The fastest service
on eight wheels.
I thought of it myself.
Hey, and business has doubled.
Well, when I was a kid,
growing up in the neighborhood,
we played stickball on skates,
and my team always won.
All right. Why don't
you, uh, go in the back
and get changed, and
we'll give you a chance?
Great. Thanks.
(rock and roll plays)
(sighs)
Can I help you?
Oh. Now,
can I help you?
(dishware clattering)
(sighs)
(whispering): Hey, come here.
See those guys
that just sat down?
Yeah.
Can I wait on them?
Oh, no, no. You see,
that-that's my table.
And you see the guy
in the, uh, brown tweed?
Guy's a big tipper.
Well, can I just bring him
some tea or something?
I really need the practice.
All right, sure.
Thanks.
MAN: Oh, my God.
- I'm very sorry.
- MAN 2: Unbelievable.
I'm so, so sorry.
I'm new. It's my
first day. I'm really...
very sorry.
BLANE: Let's get out of here.
You're fired.
Thank you.
WAITER: Oh, great. Now
look what you've done.
Hey.
- Where do you think you're going?
- Be right back.
(grunting)
Not with our skates.
(sighs)
Well...
what happened to you?
Got a couple bruises
that are beauts.
$6.50 in tips.
Steve.
And this.
Sorry it's a little damp.
He was writing on it,
so, uh, I thought you
might want to see it.
He came into the restaurant
while you were there?
Let's just say, I sort
of bumped into him.
Ah.
That's very interesting.
Oh, I did figure out the
numbers on the shade.
Oh, yeah?
Mm-hmm. You see, first, I
thought they were addresses,
but then it came to me.
They're times of day.
But they're in
military parlance.
Like 1502... that means
two minutes after 3:00
in the afternoon.
Uh-huh.
And there are five of them...
One for each business
day of the week.
So what do you think
about the placemat?
Very interesting.
16 1/2, 34.
17 1/2, 36.
15, 33.
Are they dates?
(mutters)
By any chance, were there
three men with my brother?
Two of 'em quite large?
Yeah. Major beef on the hoof.
Why?
Men's shirts.
I think they're neck
and sleeve sizes.
What, your brother's
gonna buy 'em new clothes?
Well, maybe not buy.
Maybe just...
rent, like costumes.
And maybe they're
all gonna dress up
and kidnap this Princess
that's worth $20 million.
Maybe the-the lines
on the shade are sort of
a diagram to her
house or something.
No, I don't think so.
My brother's always
been the master
of all the gentlemanly arts.
You know, safecracking,
forgery, jewel thieving.
He's never committed
a crime against a...
Against a person.
What is it?
The Princess.
It's not a who, it's a what.
The Princess Diamond.
It's worth at least $20 million,
and it's right here in Chicago.
I read about it the other day.
He's gonna steal it.
When?
Well, according to the
numbers on the shade,
if it's today, in
about a half hour.
Come on.
(speaking indistinctly)
- Frank?
- Hmm?
That's one of the guys
from the Chinese restaurant.
Very discreetly, hustle to
a phone and call Clancy.
I'm gonna reconnoiter.
Okay.
(muffled breathing)
(sighs)
Don't panic. There's
a robbery going on.
What?
(whispers): A robbery.
All right, all right.
Just... don't shoot me, please.
Not me. The phony guards.
I'm sorry. That's the same
guard company that's here
every day.
You don't understand.
They're fake.
Please. I don't want to
have to call security, sir...
They're getting away.
Well, sir, the...
(alarm ringing)
- Nobody panic.
- (woman whimpers)
- Don't move.
- (woman gasps)
(alarm continues ringing)
(sirens blaring)
(tires screeching)
Freeze!
- Right here.
- Keep 'em up.
OFFICER: Hey, spread 'em, pal.
Come on!
Other hand.
- Let's go.
- (handcuffs clicking)
We got 'em, Frank.
Yeah.
Sergeant, if you
look in that case,
I think you'll find a very
expensive diamond.
OFFICER: Let's go.
Well-Well, what kind
of a double cross is this?
Where's my brother?
OFFICER: Watch your head.
MARIE: Yes, Father?
Ah. Marie.
I, uh, asked you to step in
because I wanted to tell you
that I'm dedicating
Sunday's mass to you.
Thank you, Father.
Well, it's a small recognition
for all the years of service
you've given to St. Michael's.
Well, I'm sure that's very nice.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the travel agent
to pick up our
tickets for Florida.
She didn't believe
the explanation
about your twin brother, huh?
I'm afraid not.
I told her, he was
the one that said...
Well, you know.
You know, my theory
is that my brother
had those thugs deliberately
detain me in the diner.
Yeah, you're right, but...
Excuse me.
Somebody's forgotten.
It's lunch time!
(laughs)
I didn't forget.
I just don't usually eat lunch.
That's what Marie said, so,
this is just a little salad,
some soup and
the tiniest smidgen of my
pineapple upside down cake.
Really?
(Arlene laughs)
Oh, Father,
if you're looking for your
appointment book, I've got it.
A little reorganizing.
(chuckling): Could hardly
read those numbers.
You really should try
printing more, Father.
Your handwriting
is barely legible.
(sing-songy):
You're right there.
Oh. We mustn't forget
the cardinal's
convocation this afternoon.
Just because you
missed the luncheon,
there's still the reception.
Hmm. I'm not forgetting it.
I'm just not going.
The cardinal is going
to be very disappointed.
(laughs)
Piece of work, huh?
Yes, she is.
But she's not
what's bothering you.
If you're not gonna
try that cake, can I?
I think I'll go out for a while.
Where to?
Back to the jewelry store.
Something is wrong.
You're not going without me.
(whistling)
Hmm.
(whistling)
Hi, there, Father.
Sorry, Frank, the DA's
office won't be ready
for you till tomorrow.
But I'm sure they
asked me to come in
some time today to
make a statement.
(chuckles): See, even a hero
can't fight the bureaucracy.
Hm, I guess not.
How about if I buy
you a cup of coffee?
Well, actually, there's
something I would enjoy more.
Do you suppose I could
see that fabulous diamond
that they were stealing?
Sorry, Frank, it's locked up
in the police property
room as evidence.
Not even a peek? It's only fair.
After all, you wouldn't
have it if it weren't for...
Excuse my skepticism, Father,
but after what
happened yesterday,
I don't know what to think.
STEPHANIE: There's a
lot of that going around.
When did you last
see my brother?
Well, we were talking
right here in the office
just a few minutes
before the robbery.
Could you tell me what about?
(chuckles): Well, buying
the Princess, of course.
You were...
He had written me from
Paris, saying he represented
a syndicate interested
in the purchase.
His bank references
were impeccable.
He probably forged them.
Mm, go on, please.
Well, we had a
preliminary meeting,
in which he inspected the gem
and presented
his letter of credit.
And the next meeting you
had was the day of the robbery?
Correct.
In fact, that's why the
Princess was out of the vault
and on my desk.
Then, all of a sudden,
he excused himself.
And vanished.
(chuckles): The
next thing I knew,
the thieves were right
here in my office, with guns.
Hm, terrible.
Well, I'm grateful
that nobody was hurt.
Thank you so much for your time.
Ironic, isn't it?
The police have the, uh,
Princess as evidence
and they have the thieves.
They're all in jail.
Yes.
One thing more.
When he inspected the,
uh, diamond, what did he do?
Did, uh, did he examine
it with a, a loupe, or, uh...
He was very thorough.
That's why I was so sure
that the sale was legitimate.
He weighed it, he measured it.
He even photographed it.
My brother is very clever.
Maybe even brilliant.
Not as brilliant as you.
You figured it out.
But how did I figure it out?
With the clues that he left me.
Not as smart as
he thought he was.
Well, that's it.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Unless...
What?
Unless he wanted
me to foil the robbery
and put that gang in jail.
And he knew I would do it!
That's why he left here
before they took the diamond.
He knew that the
police were coming.
Yeah, but Frank, what
good does it do him?
He still doesn't
have the diamond.
That's it!
Hm...
Beautiful, isn't it?
As great diamonds go, yes.
Not the slightest flaw.
- Oops.
- Frank!
Rest easy, Sergeant,
it won't break.
What is it, Frank?
I don't know.
Funniest thing, all of a sudden,
a hair on the back of my neck
just stood up.
(chuckles): It's nothing.
But you were just here,
not ten minutes ago.
Did you, by any chance,
show me the diamond?
Of course, that's
why we're in here.
Hm... could I see
it again, please?
Uh, I need the 528.
Thanks.
Hm.
He measured it.
He weighed it.
He photographed it.
And he copied it.
(police sirens wailing)
Where could he be?
Where could he be?
Well, if he's gonna take
a bus or a train or a plane,
he's gonna have
a lot of company.
Ah, I'm not sure, he's
a master at disguises.
Well, one thing's for
sure, he's gonna dump that
phony priest outfit.
Otherwise, he'd stick out.
That's it!
The bishop's invitation!
The one I supposedly
answered that I never saw.
Come on!
He grabbed the invitation
when he snuck into the rectory?
He was stealing it
when Marie came in.
He said what he
said to distract her.
That's how he's
getting away, as me!
OFFICER: Move it!
- (church bells ringing)
- (indistinct voices)
MAN: Well, I think we
should be getting to our bus.
But then again, we didn't
have the rectory we have today.
- (church bells ringing)
- (indistinct voices)
(indistinct voices)
Oh, my.
(police sirens wailing)
Your Eminence!
That man is an imposter.
Thank God the police are here.
Sergeant Clancy,
he's the real thief.
Hold it.
I can tell you who the
real Frank Dowling is.
(clergymen conversing)
Well, Sister Stephanie?
Um, it's... um...
It's g...
(sigh): I don't know,
Your Eminence.
Search us, Sergeant.
The jewel thief obviously
has the diamond on him.
Oh, dear God.
He must have put it in
my pocket in the confusion!
You're under arrest.
Read him his
rights and book him.
But I'm the real Father Dowling.
I can understand your greed,
but to defile the
uniform of a priest...
Steve, ask me a question
only I could answer.
Any question!
Um, when's Marie's birthday?
Oh, you know I can never
remember her birthday!
Ask me something else.
Okay, um...
What was it that your
brother said to Marie?
He said...
He said, uh...
All right, let's go.
He-he said...
(sighs): I can't say it.
That's Frank!
That's the real Father Dowling.
The real Father Dowling
could never say that out loud.
He's the thief!
Arlene?
Well, good morning!
Spare me the
pleasantries, Father.
I came here in good faith,
and gave you the very
best that I have to offer.
Don't think for a
moment that you can
lure me into your service,
and do to me what you have done
to that poor woman!
Good-bye.
Good morning, Father.
Marie?
I got the impression
that Arlene won't be staying on.
How do you like that?
Just up and left you, huh?
Mmm.
Well, I suppose with her type,
really shouldn't surprise me.
But, uh...
Now we have no one.
That is a problem.
Well, I suppose I could
stay for the time being.
Oh?
Well, what about your
sister Rose, in Florida?
Oh, she'd understand.
She's been telling me for
years how my sense of duty
lets you take advantage of me.
Oh... Marie?
What did you tell Arlene that I
did to you that was so terrible?
Did she say that?
Father, you know me better.
Must be somebody
impersonating me.
You know how that goes.
Oh, God...