Farscape (1999–2003): Season 4, Episode 1 - Crichton Kicks - full transcript

It's been several months. Since the crew disbanded, and Moya was sucked down a wormhole. Crichton is now on board aged Leviathan, working on wormholes. But some visitor arrive who want to harvest the Leviathan. Crichton reunites with some of his old crew, and meets a new ally

Previously on Farscape...

When I was a kid...
I dreamed... of outer space.

This ship... is dead!

The wormhole experiment is over.

Moya feels Talyn has earned the right
to be buried in the sacred space.

We all knew the time would come
when we'd split up.

- I'm coming with you.
- No. I'm sorry.

Do you love John Crichton?

Do you love Aeryn Sun?

Then don't make me say good-bye
and don't make me stay.

Aeryn... is... with child.


Patch me through to Aeryn.

She is beyond our range, Commander.

Get a fix on her position.
We're goin after her.

Commander! We're being drawn in....


You have got to be kidding me.

I know I seem a little obsessed lately,

but it's been a long
time since you rescued me.

Are you hearing any of this?

Pilot, if you're there...

almost out of fuel.
Need a little help.

Look, I'm trying to apologize.

I accept my friends
aren't coming back from the wormhole.

You're on a beautiful old ship,
and I can't leave you guys,
so please let me back in.

Yo! Your ladyship!

I'm sorry, Commander.
I must have... dozed off.

Faster. Faster. Allegro. Allegro.

Now bring in the horns!

There is a store of crylliun alloy ore
on tier 7 which might be...

Uh, no, no. My module can't process it
without purification and reduction.

Then there's nothing aboard
that can facilitate your escape before we die.

So few Leviathans are able to end
their physical existence in this sacred space.

Elack and I promised each other this when we were
joined, over three hundred and fifty cycles ago.

I'm sorry.


it could be worse.

You don't roll in,
I'm dead long time ago.

Besides, I've almost cracked
"Wormholes for Dummys"

Why would I stick around after that?



Sorry I didn't notice it sooner,
but there's a small craft approaching.


It is out of control.

Go fetch.

If you are sober or sane enough to understand,
I suggest you aim that behind you.

The creatures following me execute on sight.


What are you going to do for me?

Subtitles : PK SUB-66

This is a dying ship.
There shouldn't be anyone onboard a dying ship.

Absolutely correct, Tinkerbell.
Okay, my turn.

Who, what, when, where, why and how?

You must listen to me.

Oh, no.

No, no. I'm no good at listening.

My brain cannot tolerate translator microbes. I'm...

I must learn your language through hearing it.

This. The name. The word.

Winona. My pulse pistol.

More words.

They will be here soon,
and you will be dead before you see them.




Junk. More junk. Tools. Bulkhead.
Ceiling. Floor. Shirt. Wine. Face.

Junk. More junk. Tools. Bulkhead.
Ceiling. Floor. Shirt. Wine. Face.

Your alphabet... in order.

God. Haven't done this in a long time.

A, b, c, d, efg. H, i, j, k, lmnop.
Q,r,s, t,u,v. W, x, y and z.

Now I've sung my ABC's...

- Commander?
- ...yah. Hello!

Another vessel approaches. A much larger one.

Can she starburst?

You speak pilot?


Right. Of course you do.

Uh... no.
Dying ship, remember?

No starburst... muerta... dead... toast.

Make sentences. Nouns, verbs.


Once upon a time, I was happy here.

Little... on the lonely side, but that's okay cause
at least Winona only had to start cooking fires.

You know, fire, whoosh, fire.

Module's outta fuel, so it's not going anywhere.

So I'm workin like a mofo.

And everything is finally comin together
on these crates here til you... smash through,
pissing me off... just a little bit.

You see, the only thing that I still had going for me,
you just destroyed lady. Yeah!

Grudeks will shock the hull,
incapacitating most functioning.

Damn. Wh...what about the pilot?
Muerte pilot? Muerte, muerte pilot?

No pilot morte.

No, they need her alive
to harvest the toubray tissue.

We need an enclosed space...

with self-contained circulation.

They are going to fumigate!

Grudeks... Grudeks. God, I love 'em.
Who the hell are they?

Toubray hunters.

You got a quick ear.

Toubray is Leviathan neural cluster tissue.

Many cultures consume it
to enhance higher brain function.

And you were with 'em?

Til I fled for my life.

That's gonna be your song,
you don't give me an explanation.

Bah! No touchy.

The organization I work for
was hired to find Leviathans.

I was given half a cycle to become an expert
on their functions and their habits.

Uh, you can cut 'em up into sushi.

Why do you think I worked so hard
to find the sacred death space?

Cause old Leviathans are easier targets?

And the toubray is richer with age,
so the Grudeks are happy.

But my reasoning is this Leviathan
is near death anyway.

Harvesting it is better than killing
a healthy creature... and everyone onboard.

So you... "Jacques Cousteau"
your way upstream to where they die.

Least you've thought about it.

Your capacity for self-delusionment...

astounds even me!

And I live inside your curdled brain.

Hey man. If you don't like
the Baywatch thing... head inland.

How many men have a goal, a challenge,
a destiny as clear as yours?

Stay focused on the riddle of the wormholes.

Affect the things you can.

Satisfy yourself John.

Snow cone?

Uhh... cherry.

He's right, you know.

Tell me again.

Why did you leave?

You assume that the answer is going to be different
from the other thousand times you've asked the question?

"Because" is not an answer.

I'm not right for you, John.

I was just the best of limited choices.

That's my kid, you know.

That's Crichton's kid.

This is my child.


Extraction party secure. Breathable atmosphere.
Heir to Command, report.

Awaiting, Warlord.

Scout the region. Identify additional prey.
Await my summons.

As you command. Good hunting.

Five thousand grandars
for whoever locates the etal cavity!

And a thousand more for the female corpse!

Come on Pilot, snap to. Come on.

Just boost fluid to her hydrex gland.

Shhh! We have bad guys onboard.

Can you space 'em?

Elack is still dazed...

and I have virtually no systems
at my disposal.

I recommend you save yourselves.

What about you?

We are old.

We must accept our time is soon anyway.

Perhaps in passing
we can serve some purpose for others.

She's the Mother Theresa of the Uncharted Territories.

No.You don't mind if we fight for you, do ya?

Do you have any DRD's left with weapons?

Can we negotiate with these guys?

That is not their way.

Grudex my ass.

Time for a show of force.

If we had any.

Didn't get that one, did 'ya,
cause it's Klingon.

Time for you guys to clear out!

There is no quarrel with you.

Remain clear and you may live.

Well no.

No, not if you destroy my ship.

Flee then.

I award safe passage.

Hah! You know what?

Flip that around. You got sixty microts...

It's a show of force.
It's the only thing that Klingons understand!

Make them think you're dead.

Okay, Sputnik.


You missed!

Release the Brindz Hound!


What're we talking, tracking dog?

Blood hunter.

How big?


You see this?

Itty bitty doggie ain't gonna like it.

There should be a pressure hatch here,
to a crawl space between...

Hamman side, two tiers up.

No, no. Leviathan schematics
clearly indicate that there should be a ....

Schematics? What schematics?
I thought you were an expert.

I am.

I found the burial space.

There should be a hatchway and it should be here.

Every Leviathan grows to accomodate
its passengers. It's Pilot's whim. It's...

Oh, my goodness!

You've never been on one before, have you?

You can't learn Leviathans in the library.
Hamman side.

All... right.

None of the doors work?

Because it's a dying ship.

Nice puppy.

Ok...Stick with me...You'll be O...


Shift your gravity center. Hurry!

Do what?

This is big.

Obviously, you need to get out more.

Is it torn bad?

No, but it's the largest vein I've ever seen.

It supplies blood to my leg.

It lets me move faster, run away.
Obviously it needs to be bigger.

It needs to be smaller.

Everything smaller... lighter.

Otherwise you'll never be able
to shift your gravity center.

I wouldn't need to shift my damn
gravity center if it wasn't for you.

What happened between you and the Grudeks?
Why did you run away?

I don't think that is anything you need to know.


if we don't work together, we die.

That's all the need to know, I need to know.

I was...

too good.

A simple Leviathan travel route
was all they expected.

By finding the Sacred Burial Space,

with mature toubray flesh, I...

I sabotaged myself.

Right. They didn't want you to tell anybody.

My loss counts as breach.

They won't even have to pay fees
to my organization.

Somebody sign that contract?
Kinda makes me wanta kill you myself.

I think if you wait,
they will do that for you.

We climb two levels higher,
then begin searching anew.

How do you know they'll come this way?

The lights are still on.
The air is still circulating.

They have not found the etal cavity yet.

The what?

The richest, most prized toubray
comes from Leviathan's very first neural cell.

Defleshing it shorts out everything else.

1812... gun.

This is a very nice profession you've chosen.

Thank you.

Conductivity tests indicate upper quadrant.

Wardol, this next location brings us much closer.

Ambush time. Stay quiet.


I know you're here.

Rygel and I are starin at your pimple
of a module in this wreck of a maintenance bay.


Where's Moya?

Where are you?

Center chamber as I recall. No exits!

They know we're here.

Oh, nothin gets by you, does it?


Sikozu Shanu.

Warlord Ilkog.

I beg your tolerance and pledge
never to tell anyone about this place.

Yes certain... when you are dead.

Now I know, that once you had amnesty,
you were gonna mention my name. Right?

Grudeks! Wait!

Your... earlier offer.

The runaway program...

We'll take it.

Grudeks... when they reach the corner,
all fire as one.


This way!

If Psycho-zoo led these sledgenaughts aboard,
then why are we keeping her alive?

Pip, cut her some slack.
She just had her hand ripped off.

And you haven't seen Moya?

I told you, Sparky, she got swallowed.

Well, our pod's not going anywhere.

We were lucky to get this far.


What the hell's the matter with you?

With me?

Yah, you.

What's the matter with me?


Hey, Ryg, how 'bout you tell Crichton,
what's the matter with me.

Why are you shaving now?

You're what's the matter with me, Crichton.


always... you.

An unprecedented reward
is offered for information leading...

dead-or-alive price of five million currency pledges
rests on the Nebari...Chiana, who was last seen...

They're everywhere.

In every bar, every port,
every ship that can fly.

We had nowhere to go but here...

and all because of you.

I'm worth seven million.
That's frelling with her head too.

Why are you shaving now?

I finally figured out wormholes.

You did it?

All that wormhole nonsense we put up with?

Yep. I can get you home.

If I knew where home was or...
where we are.

Or where the wormhole network is.

Yah. And if we weren't trapped
with only two weapons and about to die.

Well, the good news is...

who better to save a Leviathan than us, huh?

So... we stay away from doggie.

We find the Grudeks and we bring 'em down, so...

I get it.

She says her flesh will re-bond, so Ryg...
you go fetch her hand.

Pip, you're with me.

Why me?

Severed heads, severed hands.

It's a motif.

Get rid of the animal.

How hard can that be?

You saw Sikozu's hand, or lack thereof?

Yah. And I saw her.
Don't... confuse... us.


Let's talk about it.

Whatever "it" is.

You know th... those visions I was havin?


Yah, well they evolved.

Into what?

There's a...

a cheat proof game at the casinos.

A, uh, a mecury droplet it...
it bounces off an island stream.

- And then there's a thousand different outcomes...
- Yah, right.

You won?

Seven times.

In a row.

They arrested me.
They took my winnings. They...

They had a little fun and... and...
and a little torture noth... nothin new.

On the upside, you're not crazy.

You see the future.

That's what's so weird. I...

I see the present...

only it's just all...

just all it slows down.

So what's the bad?

Blinding headaches afterwards.

It's... it's like my eyes, they... they...
they get all used up and I... I can't see.

And, uh...

And each time it happens it...
it lasts longer.

We get outta here,
we find someone to fix it.

Before then,
we gotta find a way to screw the pooch,

and I'm gonna need a rope,
a rabbit and a membrane.

Ropes are mine.

Rest is yours.

Crichton... I'm as near as I can get.

They're still down here.


This cell is not etal.

But we are near!

Up one, over one!

There it is. That's a Crichton kick.


Yah. Girls do kick harder.

Maybe it's not mine at all.

You just won't let that rest, will you?

No, maybe it's got a little ponytail
and a teeny tiny goatee.


- Maybe there's half a metal face on it.
- Maybe.

Maybe it's a royal pain in the ass,
eats all the time and farts a lot.

Then we'll know it's yours.

That's a Crichton kick.

Ahh !! Still obsessed, I see.

I'm not obsessed.

Did she say anything to you before she left?

Good-bye, good luck, good riddance.

That's what you said.
And I'm not obsessed.

Ohh, wormholes, Aeryn, Earth,
Aeryn, Scorpius, Aeryn.

I'm out of fingers.
Want me to keep counting on hers?


- She say anything to you before she left?
- Oh, Crichton! For once, listen.

When a woman, whether she's your wife, your lover,
or a slave you purchased to be your wife or lover...

leaves you repeatedly... take the hint.

Well... that was the plan but...

you know how my plans go.

The bargain is struck.

Can't say I'm surprised.

You have ruined it!



Look at what she did!

Look what she did!


Freaky... made a deal with rotting flesh over there,
and he tried to kill me.

Because she shot at him first.

You see what that is?

You know what that is?

Come on. Tell me.

Crindars. Scarran currency.

You betcha. And you know...

you know where he get it from?


Nebari, Hynerian, and you...

All from the Peacekeeper realm.

What kind of currency
do you have in YOUR pocket?

- Pip, you think she's a Scarran?
- No, of course I'm not.

I'm Kalish, and we hate the Scarrans.

But I did grow up in their territory, yes.

So, uh... what was the plan?


Bloodless, I'll bet you know what that is too.

It's a nebula pod, from a flight racer.

He liked me.

I bought us an escape vehicle!

After they left, he was going
to leave his ship behind, so we could live!

They have found the etal cavity.

This ship will be dead soon,
or shortly thereafter.


what was "your" plan?

An open hatchway.
Why aren't we sucked out?

Ask her.

The Pilot is using the Leviathan's mass
to generate an electo-static membrane.

One puncture, and vavoosh!

That's totally insane.

You did not run into the Brindz Hound.

We will never get close enough to stop them
while it is loose.

And that means they're harvesting toubray now.

You guys...

Go find the "Slaughterhouse Five".
Make sure we're ready to move.

I'm not goin with her.

- Pip...
- Please...

She knows Leviathans better than we do.

Alright, you go first...
in case I have to shoot you.

I'll... keep Pilot alert.

Oh no, Sparky. She's fine.You got a job.

You ever hear of "Rabbit to the hound"?

Alright. We should split up.

Wait.You go in the...

Chiana. I told you,
I can go places you cannot.

I'd love to send you to one myself.

The hallmark of the sub-educated.

Ohh, the only hallmark you're gonna be is a small,
small smudge on the wall after I shoot you.

I told you... I can go places you cannot.

He has absolutely no appreciation
of my worth in a crisis.

Let him find his own frelling hound.

It's beautiful.You're Picasso.


I want you to go hide.

Run away. It's gonna be ugly.
You don't want to see this.

It's dinner time.

Come see the tastey human goat.

Staked out like an idiot.

You wanted him, you got him.

What'sa matter? You not hungry?

Red rover, red rover, send Kujo right over.

Come on, doggie.

Damn you!

Come on.

Come on. Come on, yah, yah, yah, come on.
You want some'a this? Yah!

Grade A Prime American beef.

Come on. Come on, damn you! Hey! Hey!

What the hell's your problem?

Can't even hit a door.

Come on!

Come on, baby. Bring it on! Yah!
You know you want some'a this.

Come on!

Waahoo! Right here, right here, right now!

Door! Door! Door! Door! Door!


That was a plan.

Enterprising you are.

Expecting you I have been.

What to do now?

You know, Shikozu...

A chance you took to come here.


By contracting for my service,
I am forbidden to reveal anything.

The pathetic bearded one must offer
little hope for you to risk my mercy.

Highly ineffective, but he will fight.

We will be gone before they can reach us.

My worries now are few.

I hope I am not one of them.

Go back.

Diverge them astray.

When we withdraw, I shall honor
your contribution and take you with us.

Thank you, Warlord.
My blessings.

You're not exactly a team player, are you?

Don't worry,
I'm not gonna hurt'cha.

Told Chiana she could do that.

Alright. Here's the deal.
We're gonna be really, really quiet,
so the Pirates of the Caribbean don't hear us, okay?


tell Miss Booksmart how many kids you got.

Six... before I was joined with Elack.

You're a mommy killer.

How does that make you feel?

I do not choose my assignments.
I simply follow orders.

Follow orders?

I thought you were smart.
You can't come up with somethin better than that?

I studied harder than you could imagine.

I sacrificed more than you will ever attain.

Do not presume to moralize
with your narrow perspective.

Listen... to what Pilot intercepted.

Returning to retrieve you now, Warlord.

No other suitable Leviathans found.

Grudex... was the message sent?

Her employers are aware,
Sikozu's own errors in judgement cost her her life.

Welcome to the universe.

No. No, that's... that's not fair.
That's not right.

I will not have my reputation
tainted by a negative report.

Allow me to give you
another narrow perspective.

Your options are limited.

So you can either help
or we're gonna truss you up like
a Christmas turkey and pop you in the bilge.

Do I have another option?


- You have to resist shooting at them.
- Yes... I got it.

- If the hoses are ruptured in the wrong order,
you'll create an air-fuel bomb...
- that will destroy the whole ship.

Yes. Chiana, you don't have to do this
if you don't want to.

I said I would, Crichton.

Just go.

Yah, but if you don't wanta...

Oh, for yotz sake,
she gets more blind from drinking razlak.

Right. By popular demand...

Alright, when Chiana gets up here,

she comes off, bucket of bolts goes on.

It's a zip.

Alright Pip.

Your call.

Let's fly!

- Warlord Ilkog!
- What?

- He was falling.
- Where?

There. I swear an oath!

What is that?

I'm blind.

Just... lights and shapes.

Get her down.

Tell me about the hoses.

White... far right, white hose.

Mmmm, some kind of mist.

Frozen hydrogen dixoride.

In the center, orange welding pipe.

Black jackhammer on the left.

Errg! Where's your frelling arm?

Stop spinning and reach for it!

What's the order?

Right, left... left, center. No deviation.

Hydrogen first, right?

Then adding the jackhammer's pressurized grontium
should prevent the explosion from being catastrophic.

Light it up with the well...

Not my hand! Ohhh! You dredgenaught!

1812! Covering fire!

Damnit! Covering fire!

Fire you frellnik, fire!

Right, center...

No, right, left, center.

Oh... Dren, dren, dren!





Yah, Come on, baby. Yah!

Please, baby. Please, baby.
Please, baby. Please.


Do not drop my hand.

Oh, why am I bothering?

I gotcha. I gotcha. I, uh...

... ulp. I tried.

Rygel, you bas... tard!

I tried!

Oh!... dren...

No Pilot muerte.

Alright. Here's the thing.

You might not want to come with us.
We are not... the best traveling companions.

I am going to get my life back.

I will not end up like you.


I hate that you're doin this.

The returning Grudek ship would have
destroyed us if we hadn't left the Sacred Space.

And we would like to repay our debt...
before we pass.

You don't owe us... anything.

Nevertheless, if we are able, you shall arrive
at the planet where you think your friends may be.

It was your dream.

Yours and Elack's to die there.

No dream is guaranteed, Commander.

The grace of age is we...
we learn to accept.

Not coming here anymore.

Why not?

It doesn't change anything,
and it makes me sad.

So what's next?

What's left?


I gotta... recreate a ton of equations.
The new girl smashed 'em up.

Hmm. New?

New is good.

Not always.

Hey, babe.


Who's this?

No one.