Farscape (1999–2003): Season 2, Episode 15 - Won't Get Fooled Again - full transcript

Crichton has returned to Earth. Or has he always been on Earth all this time? People from his past and present appear. Is this some trick, if so who is behind it and why.

Are you with me there, Mama Bear?

Oh yeah, Farscape.

I’m reading you loud and clear.

Authorizing flight computer
to initiate acceleration sequencing...


Roger Farscape,
you are go for insertion procedure.

Farscape One, hold a moment.


Canaveral, what?

Meteorology reports some kind of
electromagnetic wave.

Repeat, some kind of wave!

John, do you read me?

Son, you have to abort!

Abort now!!

I only know what the doctor told me.

What the hell?

I think he's gonna come out of it on his own.

Right. I'll call you if there are any changes.



That's my name. Don't wear it out.


Call a doctor.

How you feelin'?

Uh, hot.

Dizzy. Kinda...

feel like I've been hit by a house.

You're gonna be okay, son.

You gave us all quite a scare.

I told'em you were a survivor.


I am that.

It's good to have you back, son.

What are you doing?


I'm not your son!

Get him off me!

Get off me!

Get your hands off of me!

Get your hands off'a me!

Let go! Don't touch me!



Right, we'll need full restrains
and can you get me a clean I. V. please?

Jesus, get'em off!

Get'em off me!
Get the ba...a....

this is not real.

It's not real.

My name is John Crichton...

an astronaut...

radiation wave hit me...

I got shot through a wormhole...

lost in some distant part of the universe...

on a ship

a living ship full of strange alien life- forms...

Listen please...

Is anybody out there who can hear me?

I'm Being hunted by an insane military commander...

Doing everything I can...

I'm just looking for a way home.

Aeryn? Honey?

Could you get me out of these straps?

What happened?
Last thing I remember I was on a commerce planet.

Mister Crichton.

My name is Doctor Bettina Fairchild.
Not Aeryn.


Cool name.

Still disoriented?

You have no brain damage as far as we can tell.

You do have a fever,
probably a low grade infection,
but some antibiotics should clear that up.

Might clear your head as well.

Hey, are they listening to us?

Is that why you can't talk?

Violent and now paranoid.

Perhaps another CAT scan would be indicated.


I uh...

fuzzed out there for a minute.

What day is it today?

Today is Monday.


It's been a week since you crashed.

I crashed?
I don't remember...crashing.

But I...
I did have this...


this terrible nightmare.

I was on a ship full of aliens.

Is that why you went after your father
and bruised two of his ribs?


He...he looked like he was human but...

he had alien goo on the inside that was...

pretty freaky, huh?

But now you know better?


Yeah, I'm all clear.

Look, I'm not gonna hurt anybody, you can...
you can

let me out of these straps.

You called me Aeryn.

Old girlfriend.

You- you look a lot like her.

Except you have prettier hair.

Is my dad around?

Out in the lounge, I think.

I'd...I'd like to say I'm sorry.

Probably best you did that yourself.

Thank you.

Do you good to move the muscles.

Thank you, Mister Crichton.

Would the owner of the green van parked outside of admissions,
please move it immediately.

You will be towed.

Won't get fooled again.

H- hey, you mind?


I thought it was co- ed.

Co- ed? What planet are you from?

Not this one.

Hey! Yo, yo, dude, uh
are you done with that paper?

Yeah, sure, here you go.

Thank you.

No problem.

'Gater victim number six.

Last week it was five.

They're gettin' the details right.



How you doin'?

Well, I'm better. I'm um much, much better.

Look, I am uh....

sorry about earlier.

No need to apologize, son.

You've been through a lot.

I lost it myself when your mother died.


Papa Bear!


you made it this time!

Glad you're up and about, man.

I'm sick of getting reamed on my own.

Oh, getting reamed, are we?

Well, IASA's got a blown mission.

They're tossin' around words like

"pilot error".

There was no pilot error.

It was meteorology's screw up.

They didn't give him enough warning about
that electro- magnetical wave.

He was told to abort a dozen times.

He did abort!

Yeah, not soon enough! He blacked out.

And he still managed to land the module.

He trashed the sucker!

The Farscape project's circling the drain.

Okay, what do you want me to do?

Pull it together.

First thing you need's a clean bill of health.

Doctor Fairchild says you're okay physically.

But she's not gonna kick
you loose without a full psyche report.

Doc Betty said that?

That's right. You gotta get shrunk.

She wants you see a...Doctor Kaminski.

Doctor Jean Cominski

Man, hot in here.


Yeah, hey, uh, I'd like to order a pizza.

Um, medium. Deluxe.

Man, these guys are good.

Thank you Charles.

Sorry to keep you.



Adjective or name?

It's a name.

Then I'm afraid you're mistaken.

I'm Doctor Kaminski.

Uh huh. And uh...

you are a psychiatrist?

I don't think so.

On Earth, psychiatrists

don't come in blue.

Do you have a problem with people of color?

I have a contextual problem.

You're an alien.

Yes, that's true.

But I do have a Green Card.


Are you or are you not,


Would it matter to you if I was?

Do you always answer a question with a question?

Does that bother you?

Stop it.


You're a Delvian.

A plant.

Tenth level Pa U. We shared Unity once.

Shared Unity.

Interesting euphemism.

No, Mister Crichton,
you and I have never had sex.

I'm sure I'd remember if we had.

Put your hands on my face.

Humor me. Just...



What were you expecting?



Hoping for an ally.

You feel you don't have any allies?

Not in this joint, no.

And my enemies haven't revealed themselves yet.

And who are they?

The Ancients?

Nah, they picked my brain already.


Mm mm.

Not his style.

Not Gothic enough.



Yeah. Occums Razor.

Talyn and her wacky bunch.

Come out, come out where ever you are,
and see the young man who fell from the star.

Kim, cancel my three o'clock appointment.

In fact, cancel the rest of my day.


What'd ya tell her?

Oh, trauma, stress, crash, you know.

Made me imagine things.
Everything she wanted to hear. But hey,

I'm all better now.

So you got a clean psyche report.


Yeah, go...

Figure that.

She let me loose.
I woulda locked me up in a padded cell.


Ooooh, ladies.

You know that guy?

Gary Ragle.

Newest hot shot to come out of IASA astronaut training.

Watch you back, he's got ambition.

Gary Ragle...

has tentacles.


Oh my God!

Oh my God it's a straight boy!

What, he looks normal to you?

It's a lifestyle choice.

Anyway, his looks are the least of his problems, he's a jerk.

Hey DK, how you doin'?

Ooo, missed it there. How you goin'?

You almost ran us down, Ragle.

Yeah, not even close my friend.

How you doin'?
My name's Gary Ragle. I know you,

you are John Crichton,
I've heard you're one hell of a flier!

Let's go get a beer.

We don't have time for a beer.

Ooo, no time for beer!



My friend,

one thing you have to learn.

There is always...

time for beer.

I got a theory, though.

You wanna hear it?


This is an experiment.

Somebody's messin' with my mind.

Tryin' to see which way I'll move next.

Sorta like a....
rat in a maze kinda thing, huh?

That's right.

I am some alien's personal science project.

I so know how you feel.

You know, life's a bitch!
Let's get another drink. Hyde!

I've got a plan, though.

Cause they're testin' for reactions to the freak show.

I'm not gonna react.

Let'em deal with that.




Buy a girl a drink.


The off duty Doctor! Join us.

Gary Ragle!

Meet Doctor Bettina Fairchild!



Excuse me. Do you two know each other?


Never met.

How about another ale, eh?


Another drink!

More drink!

Come on, eh? Three more drinks!

Yeah, I got it.

Pitcher of beer.


Dig your style, Ringo.

John, we haven't got much time.


Pity your mother.

Now you listen to me, he...

he is not real.

Oh. Right.

You are.

So, what's your name?
Who do you play in this fun house?

You know my name.



You don't fit the pattern.

You got no Halloween costume.

Got no assumed name.
You're not playin' a role.

That suggests something to me.

It suggests,

that you are the man behind the curtain!

In fact,

I'm the only one that can help you.

So what are you lookin' for this time?

You lookin' for wormholes again? Huh?

In fact, I have to leave now, John.

Nu uh!

You aren't goin' anywhere!

Okay. Let's talk.

You're not Zhaan,
you're not a psychiatrist
but you're as close as I'll get to either one.

I'm flattered, somewhat.

Look, somebody is gas lighting me!

It's probably Scorpius.
G- gotta...gotta...gotta be Scorpius.

Been having hot flashes of the bastard
ever since he stuck me in the Aurora chair.

W- what am I supposed to think?
W- what is this? I...

I never left Earth?

Uh...uh the whole Moya thing

i- i- i- is- is- is an illusion?
It's...it's a dream?

What does that get him?

The thing is, he didn't start out too badly.

You know?

Th- they didn't make the mistakes that the last guys did.

Even Aeryn.

Even Aeryn

I could've bought. Probably not,
but I...I coulda bought it.


You may have caught a glimpse of Doctor Fairchild.

She treated you after your crash.

Yeah, and my feverish imagination turns her into a Peacekeeper chick?

So what's the game?

I wish I could help you, Mister Crichton.

It's strange.

I miss Moya.

A ship full of aliens becomes so normal.

There is of course another interpretation
for your confusion.


I'm still on Moya.

I'm gibbering.

I'm drooling,

and everybody's wondering what finally made me snap.

That is one possibility.


Son? Got some news.

Oh yeah? What is it?

IASA's brought in a new project administrator.
A...Douglas Logan.

We can't afford to piss this guy off, John.
He's a tough bastard.

So what?

Listen, tough guy or not,

right now your future's in his hands.

Thin face?

Pale skin.

Bad set of choppers, likes leather?

I've only talked to him on the phone,
I don't know.

Nasty piece of work, though.

Nasty! Excellent! Let's talk to him.

Come on!

Nice digs, man.

Hey! Come in. You're late!

Guido! You're here!

Ho, hey, fellas, meet the new boss!

Not the same as the old boss.

- Mr. Logan, please excuse my son, he's been...
hut up!

So! You're the reckless son of a bitch who refused to abort,

fainted and wrecked a multi- zillion dollar module!

That's me.

Ah, astronauts.

Cockier than God, all of them.

Give me one good reason I shouldn't fire your ass
and shut down the whole Farscape project!

Sir, the...
the project could still bring great benefits to this organization.

John's experiment'll pave
the way for deep space exploration, Sir.

Cork it already!

D. Logan.

Quit it with the cards!

Now listen up.

IASA can't afford another failure.

We get your sorry project right
on the second attempt.

Quit it with the cards!

People will forget about the first.

Second attempt.


The one I just authorized.

Now you can fly it, or Gary Ragle can.

I hate to reward failure,
but it's better P. R. if you fly it.

Public loves come from behind wins!

John, the module could be ready within two weeks.

You can do it again, son.

Prove your theory's correct.

So that's the play.

The play.

The play, the play is the thing.

I re- enact...

my initial mission.

I show you how...

I create the giant blue twister
that sucks me down to Oz.

Forget about it.

Don't know how I did it.


Hey Scorp!

Are you outta your mind?

You think if I knew
how I did it I would help you?

Get lost!

Who the hell are you talking to?

Oh, um...

not you.

You're not real.


Mister D. Logan.


Where are you going?

What the hell was that about?
Are you tryin' to sink the Farscape project?

- The guy gives us a second chance
and you throw it back in his face!
- Hi girls.

The guy,

the guy! The guy...the guy...
the guy's a two foot green slug

on a...on a golf cart!

What does a man's disability have to do with anything?




apologize to him. Please.

Crichton I wasn't finished with you!

Oh honey, I'm sorry,
let's kiss and make up!

Oh! Are you deranged?

Why yes of course I am,

- lemme show you how I crash landed the Farscape module.
- I should have your hide...

It was an electro- magnetic...whoa...

son, you must abort! Abort now!



Crichton! Crichtooooooo- !


It's ain't real.

They made you up out of my memories!
It's just...

annoying that you're acting exactly the way
I thought you would! And you!

Look at you...Look at you...

you're crappin' yourself,

because you think you're gonna lose your job.
And Dad,

you're just pissed off
because I ain't playin' the game your way!

It is annoying.

Go away.

Go home. Home. Go home.



- Hi! how's it going?
- Coma Estas, Hombre!

John, I want you to meet a good friend of mine,
this is Jessica.

Oh my God.

Everybody's finally here.

You're an astronaut, too?


Oh oh I like astronauts.

You're an astronaut groupie?


That so works for me.

You want to go for a drive?

No, John.

We must speak.

Does anybody see the...

freak in the next booth?

- Uuuuhhh...nope.
- No.
- No.

Then let's go for a drive.


We're on fiiiiiiiiiiiire!

Come on John,
you're drivin' like a chicken!

I've got a new theory on life.

You wanna hear it?

Oh yeah, man, lay it on me, lay it on me!

Life sucks, nothing matters,
screw it all, let's partyyyyy!

I am so there!

Me, too!

Enjoy it while it lasts, Johnny- boy!

You betcha, especially when nothin's real.

This is no time to be having fun, John.

Get lost.

You've gotta focus.

Fight this delusion.

What, like I believe anything that you'd say?
Get over it.



Listen to me.

It's time to bail, Scorpy.

Good morning.

The truck won, I'm afraid.

And how are our friends?

Gary and Jessica?

Mm. Yeah.

They're fine.

As a Doctor?

Don't you think a crash like that
woulda killed us?

Well, we were very,

very lucky.

Oh yeah.


You have a visitor.


Dad? DK?

Someone new.

Uh, a Sheyang?

Captain Bialar Crais?

Bring'im on!

Thank god you're okay!

I came as soon as I could.


This is a pretty good trick.

Considering you're dead.


I had to come.

Oh sweetheart.

You're not real.

You're sweating.

Don't worry.

No, no. Don't worry. There.
I'll make everything alright.

There, my Johnny.

There, there.


That's it. Yes.

You've changed.

People change to survive.

But did you have to lose so much?

You were so innocent.

So full of wonder!

It's all gone.

You've become callous.

You've killed!

You can't know that.

It's true, isn't it?

That's what bothers you.

That's why you can't sleep nights.

I sleep fine.

Where are you going?

Away from something that isn't my mother.

Are you going to leave without saying goodbye?


Let's do this. Let's talk.

What about?

About what's goin' on.

Well I'm on my break, my man.

Why don't you give me a break, my man.

Well that's all I've got for you man.
I don't know you and I don't care for your problems.

Yeah, great, you're not the guy.

You're not the guy.....

I need to talk to.

Hey Carl, Carl, get this man a drink.

Comin' up.


Help me.

You're not real.

I need you.

I'm afraid.

You're- you're not real,
they pulled you out of my mind!

You died five years ago!


I'm scared!

I just want...

out of this.

Stay with me, this time.

Be with me when I go.

No, please, this...

please! Plea...


I don't know...oh god!

This is cruel!

This is cruel.

P- please don't.

I need you.

with me.

Please don't.

Don't do this to me!

Got a problem, pal?

Well, well.

If it isn't the good Captain.

Would I be patrolling a beat if I made Captain?

Hell, I'm still buckin' to transfer to plain clothes.

And give up the uniform?

Bad choice.


you're that John Crichton guy, aren't you?

That astronaut.

I don't know.

Few too many, huh?

I don't know who I am anymore.

You better come back to the station with me and sleep it off.

Just leave me alone.

Please. Just...

I'm gonna get you off the streets, Mister.

...leave me alone. Don't..

touch me!

Leave me alone!


Me! Me! Me! Me!

Oh, my.

Look at this.

Ah, Mister Crichton.
Delighted to see you again.
We're just discussing your future.

Well I don't have a future.

Not in this reality.

Son, you're in no shape for this.

You're clearly feverish.


be careful.

You're risking a full cognitive dislocation.

Oh, I'm about as

cognitively dislocated as they get.

But I am clear on one thing.

Scorpy can

either let me loose,

or watch me go berserk.

More berserk, I'd say.

You seem obsessed with this Scorpius person.

Can you tell us why?

It can't be healthy for you.

You're not real.


you're in on the plot.

Either way,

doesn't really matter what I do.

I'm disappointed in you.

You're holding us up, John.

Can we please get on with our meeting, now?

Is anyone else hungry?

I'm starving.

Shall we send out for some lunch?

Oh, anything but Thai food.


No, I'm sick of pizza, how about Deli?

Corn beef on white for me.


Have you any idea how much trouble you're in?


Do you?

I like you're style Hombre,
but this is laughing matter.

Assault on a police officer!

Theft of police property.

Illegal possession of a fire arm.

Five counts of attempted murder.

That comes to...

twenty nine dollars and forty cents.

Cash, check or credit card.


This thing is going completely off the rails.

Or maybe I have.

Not yet, you haven't.

But there's a danger you will.

You're here.

Bring the keys?

It's not me that's doing this, John.

It's a Scarran.

He captured you on the Commerce Planet.

I don't know any Scarrans.

What would a Scarran want with me?

Well now that the Scarrans know I'm after you,
they want to know why.

This their um...

standard method of interrogation.

Induced delusions to break down all...

mental defenses.

The Scarrans aren't trying to fool you, John.

They're trying to break you.

This is a deliberate...

attempt to drive you into insanity and it's working.

Your mind is about to crack.

And I cannot allow that.
I was here, first.

No you weren't.


The Ancients were here first,
implanting the wormhole knowledge I seek.

But when my Aurora chair failed to unlock
that information,

I had to implement...

a second strategy.

You put something in my head.

A very sophisticated Neural chip.

It contains...


it contains me.

Or a mental clone of my um...


That explains the visions I've been having.


I was supposed to have remained hidden but uh,

now then your subconscious would become aware of me.

That's why I couldn't kill you on the...

Royal Planet?

Of course.

A simple fail- safe.

But my main function...

is to access the wormhole knowledge you have in your brain.

No matter how long that takes.

You're Harvey.

Or is it Clarence?

Guardian angel.

Invisible rabbit. Harvey.


Does the Scarran know you're here?

I only manifest myself
when the Scarran's attention is elsewhere,
as it is now.

I must disappear when he returns.

Ignore the false Scorpius he has created.

And do not confide in anyone else you may encounter.

How do I know you're telling the truth?

You're sweating, John.

You've been unusually hot all this time, because...

because your real body...

is reflexively responding to his heat.

The heat...

...a Scarran produces.

And when your body temperature lessens slightly,

the Scarran is elsewhere,
preparing another onslaught.

It must not succeed.

How do I stop it?


Concentrate on what is real.

Your true memories of Earth,

of Moya,

your family, friends.

Even your enemies.

Do not allow yourself to be pushed over the edge.

But remember this:

the Scarran...

has not disarmed you.

Your weapon is of no consequence to a Scarran.

Their skins...

are extremely tough.

Pistol fire will not kill a Scarran
before he kills you.


you're best chance is not to shoot but...

But to what?

The temperature's rising, I must go.

To what?


But to whaaaaaat?

Oh, you look like you're ready to have some fun.

We certainly are.

What are you doin'?

Nothing you won't like.

Nothing you haven't already fantasized about.

Admit it,

you've had sexual thoughts
about all of us, haven't you?

Not me.

Well, come on! You're a male.

It's just the way you were wired.

Nothing to be ashamed of,
not when females are willing.

So what's your pleasure, boss?

I'm a Doctor,

just relax.

I can wear a Freudian slip.

I'll find new places to take your temperature.

I can teach you left handed Latvian Rotator Torture.

All of you bitches, out now.

Crichton is mine.

This is for calling me Sparky!

And this is for Fluffy.

And this is for Buckwheat.

Whatever that means.

Oh! Leaving so soon?

I wish I could!

Look at what you made me do,
John, open my veins!

You made me loose my job,
you dumped me for your new pals!

Some friend you are!

Some friend you are, man!

Oh come on, Papa Bear,
look at what depths your son has driven us to!

Don't look at me!
You're the one who wanted a child!
I wanted a Terrier!

Oh, you couldn't give me what I really wanted!

Oh, so we get this loser!

He can't fetch a ball,
he can't get my slippers,

- he can't even land a damn module in one piece!
- Oh no, Don't hurt my baaaaby


You're under arrest.

You have the right to the remains
of asilent attorney!

If you cannot afford one, tough noogies!
You can make one phone call!

I recommend Tracy: 976- Triple 5- LOVE.

Do you understand these rights
as Ihave explained them to you?
Well do you, punk?


Then I can't arrest you!


I really need to just unburden myself on you.




I've been thinking about you in a very different way.

And I was wondering if you would mind participating
with me in a little Luxan bonding ritual?

Here's the thing, okay?

What we need are:

some chains,

uh my Qualta Blade,

just a little squirt of Lutra oil and...

oh! Chiana



She wants to watch.

Oh no.

Oh yes.

Such a fascinating library you have!
Such wonderful informative books.

The Oedipus Complex?

I'm not sure...

I grasp that concept.

Could you um...

explain it to me, Johnny?


Oh, please?

You're such a smart boy.

I really...

I really want wanna know.

Hey John! Get down and boogieeee!

Boogie- oogie- woogie!

Hey man, get down!
Boogie on dooooown!

Oh, no- no- no- no- no!
I don't boogiieeeeee!


Crichton! Where are you?

Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?

Clear the floor!
Clear the floor!
Clear the floor!

Searched half this world for you.

Where am I?

Still on the Commerce Planet,

but underground in some sort of
holographic chamber.

I destroyed the projector.

Who nabbed me?



I killed him.



he was behind this?

Was being the operative word.

That's interesting.

Why is it interesting, John?


just that he, uh...

Tell me.


Let's uh...

let's get out of here.


Tell me now.


No, you get nothin' from me.

Frell you, then.


Boogie on dooown!

Hey, yo!

Kiss my...

...friend you are, man!

...thinking about you...

Then I can't arrest you!

Be with me when I go.

Brain wave patters are increasingly irregular.

Captive is finally weakening.

Increasing stimuli to...Kelvo nine.

Kelvo ten.


All neural activity ceased
at six three five amneth one.

Captive apparently suffered full synaptic overload
at stimulus level Kelvo ten.

Because no base line data exists with this species,
his reaction could not have been anticipated.

Remains of the captive will be held for post...

Well done, John.

What happened?

I feel like....

I died.

I had to stop your brain function for a few microts...

to divert the Scarran.

No harm done.

I'll go back in your subconscious mind, now.

Don't get too comfortable.

I'm gonna get that chip outta my head.

There's no chip in your head, John.

Yeah there is. You...told me that....

....there's a um....m...

you were saying?

M- m- mental

chip in m...

As you were saying?

What am I saying?

As it should be.

I won't trouble you again.

Until I need to.

There's an exit to your left,
which will no doubt take you back
to the surface of this Commerce Planet.

I leave you to your shipmates, John.

But rest assured,

I'll be with you always.

Keeping you safe.