Farscape (1999–2003): Season 2, Episode 11 - Look at the Princess: Part 1: A Kiss Is But a Kiss - full transcript

The crew rests on a planet where the successor to the throne needs a genetically compatible mate to take the throne. She finds her mate ... in Crichton. But someone else wants the throne, and are willing to eliminate Crichton to prevent her rise.

...You pull, into the roll.

It's counter- intuitive at first,
but it radically increases your distance from the enemy.

Aeryn, my module is a research craft,
it's not built for hairpin maneuvers.

Would you like...

to learn how to do this,

or are you content to continually display your ineptitude?

My ineptitude?

You mean my improvisation

that kind of bails your sorry military...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What is that smell?

W- what?

It's your hair.

It smells.

Zhaan gave me something.


Smells good.

I like it.

Well it's not for you to like.


Then what's it for?

For me to like.

You don't like that...

I like it?

Personal indulgences can fracture a small crew.

Then I will never tell them...

that you scented your hair.


What? Aeryn!

- Aeryn, stop!
- No!


- Aeryn, wait!
- I will not be a slave to your hormones!

My hormones?

Hey, I was lips, you were tongue!

Why did you do your hair? Huh?

To see if you'd notice.

Standing at...


Well then I'll let Zhaan know you find her oils pleasing.

It's you that I find pleasing!

You want some advice?

Not particularly.

Makes me want to give it to you,
even more.

There's too much pressure.

She's scared of the future.

So why not just live in the moment?

You come up with that yourself?

Go fast with the body,

slow with the soul.

Maybe you should find someone like that.

Commander Crichton.


Please join the others in the command, at once.

Okay, Pilot, they're here.

Now tell us. Why have we stopped moving?

Are you familiar with automated
Peacekeeper satellite weaponry?

Self- tracking pulse cannons.

We are locked in a cross- targeted helix.

Pilot, give us immediate starburst.


The initiation of an energy surge will result
in our destruction.

Is it Scorpius?

Do you think they've found us?

There are no vessels anywhere near.

Then how the frell did they get here?

Perhaps from the inhabited star systems
on Moya's sense horizon.

These cannons appear to be their first line of defense.

Peacekeeper settlements this far into
the Uncharted Territories?

Goddess help us.

We gotta do something.

Something useful!

A...representative of the inhabited system...

has been signaling us.

By the yotz! Run, fight, surrender!
Pick one!

Moya chooses...


Resistance by her means...


My name is John Crichton...

an astronaut...

radiation wave hit me...

I got shot through a wormhole...

lost in some distant part of the universe...

on a ship

a living ship full of strange alien life- forms...

Listen please...

Is anybody out there who can hear me?

I'm Being hunted by an insane military commander...

Doing everything I can...

I'm just looking for a way home.

I am...

oh no, Rygel

Oh, no, no, no, no way Jose.
You keep your mouth shut.

But I am our best negotiator.

Our best self- serving to- hell- with- everyone- else- iator.
Y- you just shut up.

Our scan reveals you do indeed have
no large weaponry or hidden cargo.

Yes. And despite this ship's Peacekeeper history,
we are in no way affiliated with them.

We are, as stated,
Counselor Tyno, peaceful.

And as such, we now release you to travel as you will.

You're not gonna shoot?


That was a productive four arns.

May we approach your worlds?
We are prepared to pay for provisions.

I'm afraid that's impossible,
during coronation time.

Coronation time?

I am Dominar Rygel the Sixteenth,
of the Hynerian Empire.

Would you turn away royalty bearing gifts
for your new sovereign?

Escaped prisoners, bearing gifts?

Hear me Counselor Tyno.

Your hatred of the Peacekeepers can never approach ours.

Fate has conspired to forge this alliance.

The royal planet will receive you.


as festivities approach,
we are under strict security.

Weapons of any kind will result in incarceration.

Was I right?

Yeah, I guess so.

Was I right?

Yes, Rygel, you were right.

Don't...ever...forget it.

Aeryn, I wanna talk.

I wanna talk less!

We tried that, it leads to kissing.


That's a joke.

It's to relieve the tension.

It wasn't funny.
Just give me some space, John.


Have the whole Universe.



Yeah, I'm going down to the planet,
you wanna hang?


That's good.

Cool, can I come in?

Oh, oh jeez!
Whoa- ho- ho! Bad time!

G- good time, sorry, uh, wrong time!


my life has been one crushing disappointment after the next.

But with this girl,
I have managed to find moments of pleasure.


blow it for me.

Never. It's cool.
I'm happy for you.


- Good.
- Good.

How come I'm always the last to know?

So these are the fabled break away colonies.

When they declared independence and fled from our home systems,
no one gave them a chance of surviving.

And yet here they are, still hating the Peacekeepers,
nineteen hundred cycles later.

And every Peacekeeper attempt since
then to forge coalition has failed.

I'd say they enjoy their freedoms
far too much, Aeryn.


And why not?

Buy you a drink for a few words.

You mean now that Chiana's occupied?

You made a run at Zhaan yet?

Oh, that is unfair!



Oh no- no- no- no, I...
I stopped raving years ago.

It doesn't hurt you. It's just for the kiss.

There's no taste kinda like an old...


It's great, you know.

It's a whole world designed for your rutting instincts.


No- no- no- no- no.

Try him,

he seems to love kissing.

Oh no. No.

I am never leavin' this world.

Hey. Clayvor my sweet,

there's a Sebacean down here
your sister hasn't kissed yet.

You said the boarders were closed!

No new visitors.

And you said that it wouldn't matter,
that my sister couldn't ever assume the throne,

no matter how many suitors they bring in.

Her chemical compatibility is irrevocably altered.

You will be king.

Is this Crichton intelligent?

Surprisingly, despite his appearance.

I find it strange, Counselor Tyno,

that your in coronation time
and have yet to identify your crown successor.

As first born,
it was always intended for Princess Katralla.

But by law, unless she can find a compatible mate...

the kingdom will fall to her younger brother.

She's a slave to her mother,
I'm the only one that recognizes the Scarran Imperium.

Even if you are the best they could send.

Now, now you two.

Well, if you're not going to be king,

I'm not going to marry you.

Excuse me, Zhaan.

Why didn't you visit the royal planet with the others?

My solitude is so important to me, Pilot.

I barely have enough time to pursue
the tannents of my priesthood as it is.

Being presumptuous,

I have opened all the doors on the chamber on this tier.

Moya and I are...

pleased you have once again chosen to stay with us.

Two drops from these little vials...

and we can tell if our...
if our DNA is compatible for children.

Oh, no, no. I don't...wanna do that.

Come on, what've we got to lose?

I don't wanna.

Our innocence,
that's what we've got to lose.

I- it's just a game for us, D'argo.

We don't play by the rules they do.

The truth is, we're not compatible.

Well, only our DNA.

Not the parts that make us feel pleasure.

Why is he watching us so intently?

When's the last time you saw a Scarran
on a diplomatic mission?

What do you think he wants?

Besides killing Peacekeepers, I mean.

The same thing my superiors wanted...
a covenant with this kingdom.

Go away.


Have you lost your mind?

Do it.


I'm so pleased!

Me too!

How unexpected!

I wish you both the very best of...


Thank you!



Pilot, are you calling me?

It's Scorpius!

Scorpius has found us!

Is the Command Carrier any closer, Pilot?

Still held in obeyance at the satellite
cannon perimeter.

Have they spotted our orbit, yet?


Moya senses the Peacekeeper scan.

Have we got time to retrieve Crichton and the others?


What if we let them see us,
and then....


Scorpius may think we're all aboard and pursue...

Goddess please send us guidance!

Make this the right thing to do.

Where are D'argo and Chiana?

Fortunately exchanging bodily fluids and

checking a tracking station to locate Moya's orbit.

Doesn't that just figure?
Look, let's get that drink out of your hand.

I'm gonna sober you up,
and get you out of here.

Excuse me.

Yeah, in a second buddy.
Gimme the drink!

Were you once a Peacekeeper?


Oh, it's Counselor Tyno, right?

Look, we gotta little problem.

Our ship...

Your friends have been given access
to our space command to find your ship.

But for now....

if you don't mind....

Look, I'm a little partied out,
so if you...

could maybe...



That's uh, sweet.

It's sweet, it's kinda like molasses.


Look! Look at the Princess!
She's smiling! Uh oh.

It cannot be!

No, Clayvor!

Take your claws off of me!

My sister is not supposed to be compatible
with another Sebacean!

And as far as we know, she isn't!

Do not make a spectacle, your highness!

The kiss was sweet! They're compatible!

What the hell's goin' on?

For your protection.

And what if their DNA is cohesive?

Then, this pawn, whoever he is,
must die tragically, within a solar day!

I understand everything you're almost saying,


am I under arrest?

Absolutely not.


Please, try to understand...

I understand!

You asked me to kiss that chick!

You kissed our Princess!

Yeah, and now we're compatible?
W- w- what the hell does that mean?

You're the only male we've found,
who might be able to provide her with healthy children.

You want a donation to the sperm bank?

I want you...
to consider marrying her.

You would just have to be...
on this side of my life...

to understand...

how frelling insane that is!

She will be our next Empress.


would be Regent.

Others would die for this chance.

See? Die!
There's the problem, there's a die part!

All I ask is that you consider this blessing
that's been laid before you.

Blessing, Councilor Tyno?

When the actual truth of power is so much closer to curse.


Stop it!

Before I speak with them, not during!

She's an ignorant creature.

John Crichton, Prince Clayvor.

Our second in line to the throne.

First among my people.

You may take the guards and leave us now, Tyno.

My instructions are otherwise.

This potential suitor to the throne
is to remain under protective custody at all times.

And who's order dares to countermand mine?

The Empress.

Your mother.

I will speak with you.......


There's always one....

in every family.

If Princess Katralla fails to wed
by the anniversary of her birth,

the throne goes to Prince Clayvor.

Uh huh. And when's the expiry day?

A matter of solar days.

Is this my cell?

Your room, yes.

Where have you two been?

We've been in the space command center all night.

Moya is no longer in orbit around this planet.

And flight control confirmed that she didn't crash.
So, Zhaan and Pilot probably just...

Starbursted away and abandoned us.

If we wanted to jump to conclusions...

You know Crichton's in custody?


Uh huh. He kissed some Princess and now
they won't let him go.

Of all the stupid...

You want me to jump to another conclusion?

He probably wouldn't be in this dren,
if it wasn't for you.


Yeah, if you hadn't rejected him!

It wasn't my door he was last seen sniffing under!

Some women consider that a compliment!

Some women have to.

As entertaining as this is at the moment,
it's getting us nowhere.

Rygel's with Crichton.

When he comes back,
we'll have more information.

As far as Moya goes,

I think we should just wait.

No. You're coming with me,
and you're gonna show me where they're keeping Crichton.

We already tried! They won't let ya see'im!

Shut up, Chiana.

Ka D'argo, is it?

I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

I am totally unarmed.

I bear you no ill will.

Perhaps we should um...


re- order...

And share a repast.

I knew there was more to it.


He doesn't look at all...Peacekeeper.

His father was Scarran...

my race.

His mother,


He knows these companions of Crichton.

Crichton surely works for Scorpius.

By marrying a spy to your sister,
they gain the advantage with your dynasty.

And block our advance.

Oh, forgive my ignorance,
sagacious teacher,

I trusted you to make this work!

Was it unwise of me?

You will rule.
Not because you desire it Clayvor,

but because I do!

This is Scorpius we are talking about.

Yes, and it's my life, D'argo.

Look, the Princess is nice. She's sweet.

And it might be fun to go shopping for the rest of my life,
but I am not getting married.

What's the word on Moya?

And what difference does it make, anyway?

Scorpius has a full Command Carrier out there,
waiting for us.

Which is probably why Zhaan and Pilot have taken off.

He's right, you know.

Only place we're safe is in this Palace.

I'm sorry.
You're sayin' I should get married?

I would.

- You're a polygamist.
- John.


Think it through.

Scorpius has offered me a deal to turn you in.

What, time share at his condo in hell?

He's gonna leave the rest of us alone

and he promises not to destroy your brain
as long as you give him access
to the wormhole technology in your brain.

...And you said...?

...That I'd talk to you about it.

That's it.

I was stalling him, John!

Now, Rygel and I are in agreement about this,
so listen up!

You increase our chances of figuring something out,
the longer you at least pretend to love this girl.

Love? Love! R- rygel there is no love!

I am the reverse King Arthur.
I am the one who could put the sword into the stone!

Alright, so what should we do?

I don't care!

I don't care what you guys do!

I know what I am going to do.

I am going to tell a nice girl
that I am not her ticket to the throne.


are you certain the Command Carrier is not behind us?


That is the shortest Starburst Moya is capable of.

Practically an invitation for the Peacekeepers to follow.

Then Scorpius has not taken our bait.

Perhaps he's already aware Crichton
and the others are down on the planet.

If so, that means we have abandoned our friends.

There was nothing we could have done,
had we stayed, Zhaan.

Turn us around, Pilot, immediately.

I will attempt to plot a course back.

As you know, even a minor Starburst invalidates
all previous navigation points.

Just do it!

Pa U Zotoh!

The decision to flee was a joint one!

Normally this would be a time of
great joy and celebration.

But I must confess,
I feel as if my...

As if your not gonna be King,
'cause I'm gonna marry your sister.

Relax, Ace,
I'm not gonna be your brother- in- law.

Is this some kind of jest?


No, it's not a jest.

On my planet,
we don't marry people we don't love,
unless they're...

critically ill billionaires.

No, just take it easy, bro.

As soon as my ship returns,
I'm off this planet,
you get to be king,


Princess Katralla,
it's good to see you again.

I had given up hope of meeting
a compatible Sebacean man.

Yes, I uh, wanted to talk to you about that.

Look uh,

- I don't know how to say this,
so um...
- Daughter.


You must be John Crichton.

With delight.


I anticipate sturdy grandchildren from you.
Let us get to know one another.

Have you proposed?


No. No- no- no- no.

I don't love your daughter.

How could you? You just met.

Why don't you let your son be king?

He's a fool.

He would betray our neutrality for the genuflect of peasants.

And that breech would toll in hundreds of millions of lives.

Yeah, starting with mine.

I have no purpose for you....

Other than to keep my empire stable.

If we recognize the Scarrans,

Peacekeepers attack.

Packed with Peacekeepers,

Scarrans invade.

You must wed Katralla.

Empress, I understand your problems.

But you need to understand,

there's nothing you can say,
that's going to make me marry your daughter.

Oh, hello Crichton!


to remember me by.

I have traveled a long,
long way just to see you again!

I hate to say you wasted your time Scorpy,
but you have.

You know, that no matter what you think,
the rifts between us need not be terminal.

Go away Scorpy.

It's over.

Find another girlfriend.

Now don't let her frighten you John, mm?

Now you make the correct decision.

My daughter...

or that abomination.




She's strong, and gets what she wants.

What about you?


So what do you want?

To be Empress.

To have children.

To keep the peace for my people.

Even if we're miserable for the rest of our lives?

I won't make you miserable.

I'm sorry.

Princess Katralla.......

will you consent to marry me?


What do you mean you have no choice?

No choice.

Rock. Me. Hard place.

Fight. Retreat. Remain silent.

Scorpius. The Empress.

You disappoint me, Crichton.

You should lower your expectations.

Well, at least the Princess is pretty.

Yeah, I guess so.

And wealthy.

Suppose so.

Think of all the power you'll have.

Yeah, can't stop thinkin' about it.

That, and how I'm gonna get off this planet
the way I got here. Single, and alive.

Well, I'll see what I can do...



Marrying our Princess.

Dregon Casanova, cousin to the crown.

John Crichton, Astronaut.

Katralla's a...

lovely girl.

I wish you great happiness.

Uh, and you would be...?

Extremely pre- occupied. Excuse me.

Perhaps some other time, then.

We'll do lunch!

He seemed like a nice guy.

Stop it.

So, any word on Moya?

We think she got spooked by Scorpius' Command Carrier.

Yes, spook. Spooky.
That's a good name for him, he has that effect.

On you?

On everybody.
How many guards have you seen since you got up here?

Too many.

That's right.

They're protecting me.

>From him.

Look, the Empress, this is her ballgame.

But if you have some suggestions,
now would be a good time.

I'm just trying to figure out
what they're hiding from us.

Well see if you can figure out
someone else to marry the Princess.

And if I can't?

Better wed than dead.

Oh, Tyno.

I truly believe my mother
will force me to marry this stranger.

We can only hope.

We can only hope?

What am I supposed to say, Katralla?

You're supposed to say
"No! Stop this travesty!"

You're supposed to say
"No, I will not let you marry that man!"

You're supposed to take me away
from this madness that is my life!

There's too much at stake to stop this,
now, you must exchange espouses.

But I love you!

As I love you.

But our union is not destined to be.

You must go to Crichton.

You must do your duty.

Crichton is such a frelling fool!

He has no choice.

Oh, please!

Princess pretend doesn't even love him!
She wants that Tyno.

You're forgetting about Scorpius.

We can hide from him in the barren lands
outside the city until he leaves.

Marrying her is the only thing
that will save Crichton's life, Aeryn.
Don't you get that?

I've had just about enough of you.

No- no- no. It's not me that you're mad at.

You should have told him how you felt,
when you had a chance.

You don't know anything.


Well I know about men.

You see that one over there?

How many times has he tried to come onto you?

What? Three? Four?

Look, he's...

he's well bred, he's rich.



You're gonna let him get away too.
You know why?

Oh, go on.

Tell me.

Because you only want the ones you can't have!

So you're gonna go to Crichton,
you're gonna mess with his mind,
he's gonna be turned over to Scorpius, and dead.

This marriage is wrong and you both know it!


why are we still moving away from the Royal planet?

Moya is following a signal of some sort
and refuses to give up the trail.

Does she know that Scorpius did not follow us?

Does she know we have to return to the planet
to help our friends?

Yes, but she is driven forward.

What sort of signal is it, Pilot?

Impossible to describe to our satisfaction.

But one of her eight senses clearly identifies
it as familiar and...compelling.

Oooh, perfect.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Yes, I've heard that about Scarrans.

Perhaps we could talk for a moment.

In private.

I have a message for Scorpius.


I know you work together, I saw your Luxan with him.

Go ahead.

We will not tolerate your interference,
so far out in what you condescendingly
call the Uncharted Territories.

Is there anything else?


Is your presence here the vanguard
of a larger invading force?

I shall send your regards to Scorpius.

I had hoped to learn your mind by conversation,
however, if I must invade it...

Don't stop now.

Go on, kill each other.

Save me the trouble.

My apologies, Empress.

I rarely bother with warnings.
Consider yourself the beneficiary of largess.


Listen carefully, Peacekeeper.

The longer Crichton plays the part he's been assigned...

the more likely we'll keep our internal organs...

Do not dissuade him from this marriage.

Thank you, Rygel.
I'll do what I think is right.

For Crichton? Or for you?

Just a small burn, Princess.

Almost finished.

You know...

you take anymore samples of my DNA,

there's not gonna be enough left to be me.

What species are you?

Since you're not Sebacean.


I keep trying to tell you guys that,
but nobody seems to wanna listen.

We still don't.

The Empress has ordered the revelation sealed.

No one will ever know.

It's that important I marry the Princess?

Our dynastic integrity...

has always insured peace.

Any fraction...

and the whole region could erupt.

Then why don't you marry her?

Her DNA was poisoned.

Unreceptive to anyone.

Until you.

Would you activate the machine for me, please?

Her brother.

Very discerning.

With help, we believe,

from the Scarran emissary.


Come look.

Oh! This is truly amazing, Crichton!

I must have one for my kingdom.

Boy, or girl?

I'm sorry, what?

The DNA testing confirms our insipid kiss.

Our children will be healthy.

Disease free.

And you can see what they'll be like.

Oh- ho- ho! How many nasty surprises could I have avoided!

Male infant, please.

Hey buuuuuddy.

What's up? Where'd you come from?

Look at you, slugger.

This is...

this is what....

our child would look like?

One possibility.

The choice is ours.

Would you like to see him grown up?



Not...not too grown up.

Hi dad.

Astounding device!

Oh! Oh! Looks just like you!

Yeah, he does, kinda.

Yet, he may be able to overcome it.

Thank you.

That's all.

Not to be obtrusive,
but the royal tailor would like to see you for a fitting.

You're scheduled to meet members
of the royal family court.

And you must work on a pose for
your governant's statue.


Get out of town.

Alright, fine.
Well, on Earth we have this Queen, she uh,

she's got this wave.

I'll...I'll do that.

Hardly a pose you'd like to hold for eighty cycles,
I'm afraid.

W- what eighty cycles?

I just assumed you knew.

Knew what?

Crichton's DNA is compatible!
It's not a trick!

Then your loyalists must assassinate him!

You've really frelled up this time, Cargn,
this is not part of our bargain!

Scorpius is here,
because your mother let him attend.

Oh, so now it's my mother's fault, huh?
I have half a mind to tell her about you!

You do have half a mind, your Highness.

But will you actually reveal our pact?

No. Can you see past childishness to realize
any betrayal means your instant death?
Even if mine follows.


I am...

curious, dear Jenavia, to learn of your loyalties.

As I interrogated your loving fiancée',

what was going through your delicate little mind?

I was hoping you wouldn't wear that to our wedding.

Destiny's couple, you are.

Why has Moya brought us here, Pilot?

I don't know.

Moya continues to be evasive with me.

I assume it has something to do with that.

What is it, Pilot?

Is it alive?


Does Moya know this living thing?


Who is it?


Their creators.



Did you hear? About the statue?

Hey, Chiana.

Eighty cycles.

Eighty cycles!

That is roughly eighty years

to you and me...

and over five hundred years to dogs!

Why don't you stay and tell us about it, John?

Did you know about the statue,
when you were convincing me to marry the princess?

I don't know about it now.

After we're married, and I mean...

right after we're married,
they turn us into statues.





D'argo discovers science.

To what purpose?

Governing continuity.

They screw with our molecular structure,
turn us into pigeon perches

and we preside over their Senate,
or whatever the hell they call it,
for eighty cycles.

As...a statue?

Yeah. I mean, we can see and hear.

Don't ask me how!

and we are supposed to absorb every single facet
of their governmental system.
That way,

when mom and pops finally kick it,

we rule.

Perhaps that's why they've endured
nineteen hundred cycles of peace.
It works.

You're like a brochure.

You have to go through with it, John.



M- my college loans will be delinquent.

I'll miss the strippers on my hundredth birthday.

I- I'll get a utility bill...

for three trillion dollars for a single porch light
that I left on, and everybody I know, will be dead!!

The alternative....

is having your brain dissected by Scorpius.


do not live...

as long as Sebaceans, or Hynerians or Delvians.

When I get back....


my dad, DK, my sisters,

Cameron Diaz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
will be dead!

Well, you may never see these people again, anyway.



It's what keeps y...

you going.

You're gonna see your son.

I'm gonna get home.


I have hope.

Or I am nothing.

Look at what fate has given you.

Scorpius will no longer be a threat.

And as a ruler, you will have...




You could uh...create a family.

Perhaps you've only just discovered
your true destiny.

You've been spending way too much time with Chiana,
you know that?

Amongst all the fluff,
she can make a lot of sense.

Our time was good, John.

We had each other when we needed each other.

But now it's time to look past your fears.

See what's on the road ahead.

If I do this...

you have to be my best man.

Uh.....I'm with Chiana now, John.

Do you talk?

When asked to, Highness.

So uh....

you work for the royal family?

For twenty- two cycles.

Since Katralla and Clayvor were children.

I am happy she has found you as a mate, Highness.

No uh, lose the Highness part.

I'm John, call me that.

I am Ro'Na.


Could you give us a moment please?

So you're going to listen to D'argo over me, are you?
Is that right?

The Empress has made it clear.
I marry her daughter or she hands me to Scorpius!

Eighty cycles as a statue?

It's better than Scorpius!!

Is it?

He's in my head.

The back of my mind. Corner of my eye.

He scares me Aeryn and I can't shake him.

I don't know what you're talking about,
but there's never been anything
we couldn't overcome together.

Except each other.

I can't come to the wedding.

I want you there.

Don't be absurd.

I need you...



don't you think...

that there are things to say?

At this point, what else can we say,
except goodbye?

You're right.

You're always right.


Welcome to Barbie world.

They're almost ready for you,


Here's your wedding present.

>From Prince Clayvor.