Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo - full transcript

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

AHH... WHAT A MAGNIFICENT DAY!

THE AIR IS LIKE WINE,
IS IT NOT, MY FRIEND?

YOU CAN DRINK
THE AIR LATER, BOSS.

LET'S MEET OUR
GUESTS. YOU REMEMBER?

THE PLANE!

THE PLANE!

OF COURSE, BUT WHY SUCH A RUSH?

BECAUSE TODAY IT'S MY TURN.



YOUR TURN? FOR WHAT, TATTOO?

TO GIVE A FANTASY TO ONE
OF OUR GUESTS, JUST LIKE YOU.

BOSS, YOU DIDN'T
FORGET, DID YOU?

FORGET WHAT, TATTOO?

WELL, YOU PROMISED ME THAT I
COULD GIVE A FANTASY ON MY OWN.

YES, SOMETIME IN
THE NEAR FUTURE,

BUT I HAD NO IDEA
YOU'D BE READY SO SOON.

BUT I AM READY... I
MADE ALL THE RESEARCH,

ALL THE PREPARATIONS,
AND I'M READY.

OH, HOW EXCITING FOR YOU,

AND WHO IS THE LUCKY
PERSON, OR PERSONS,

WHOSE FANTASY YOU'VE
CHOSEN TO WORK ON?

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU.

THIS TIME IT'S YOUR
TURN TO BE SURPRISED.



I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

[♪♪]

SMILES, EVERYONE,

SMILES.

[♪♪]

[MR. ROARKE] DR. CARLSON AND HIS
WIFE DENISE FROM SAN FRANCISCO.

HE LOOKS LIKE A
VERY CONFIDENT MAN.

WITH REASON, MY FRIEND.

DR. CARLSON IS ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL
MEN IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION TODAY.

STILL CONSIDERABLY UNDER 40,

HE'S CHAIRMAN OF THE
BOARD OF HIS OWN HOSPITAL.

IF HE'S SO SUCCESSFUL,
WHAT'S HIS FANTASY, BOSS?

THE DOCTOR IS SEEKING CAPITAL
FOR THE DREAM OF HIS LIFE;

A VAST NEW HEALTHCARE COMPLEX.

BOSS, IF HE'S TRYING TO
RAISE SOME MONEY ON US,

LET ME PUT HIM ON
THE NEXT PLANE HOME.

YOU'LL BE EVEN MORE SHOCKED WHEN
YOU LEARN THE SUM HE NEEDS... $50 MILLION.

YES, AND HE HOPES

WE CAN HELP HIM RAISE
IT BY MONDAY MORNING.

AH, WHO ARE THOSE
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADIES?

THEY ARE THE ONE I CHOOSE
TO GIVE THE FANTASY TO.

IT FIGURES.

EVELYNE KASTENBAUM
AND DEE DEE VERONA.

FOR YEARS THEY HAVE
BEEN WORKING HARD

AS CHORUS GIRLS IN LAS VEGAS.

BUT THEIR FANTASY IS
GOING TO FIX ALL THAT.

AND WHAT IS

THEIR FANTASY? BOSS...

THEY WANT TO MEET
AND MARRY MILLIONAIRES.

[♪♪]

MY DEAR GUESTS, I AM
MR, ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

AND I'M YOUR HOST. MR. TATTOO.

[TOGETHER] WELCOME
TO FANTASY ISLAND.

[♪♪]

THE FOOD IS SENSATIONAL.

WE CAN STUFF OURSELVES
WITH FOOD AT HOME.

CAN'T YOU EVER RELAX?

DR. CARLSON, MRS. CARLSON, I
HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELVES.

OH, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE, ST DOWN.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO TO
MAKE YOUR STAY MORE COMFORTABLE...

MR. ROARKE, I UNDERSTOOD
THAT YOU COULD HELP ME

RAISE FUNDS FOR A
VERY IMPORTANT PROJECT.

YES, THE CARLSON MEDICAL
CENTER, DR. CARLSON.

YES... CAN YOU DO IT?

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND ABRUPT,

BUT I DON'T LIKE TO WASTE
OTHER PEOPLE'S TIME, OR MY OWN.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE
GUTENBERG FOUNDATION HAVE

THEIR HEADQUARTERS RIGHT
HERE ON FANTASY ISLAND?

GUTENBERG...?

YES.

THEY'RE ONE OF THE BIGGEST
CHARITABLE FOUNDATIONS IN THE WORLD,

RIGHT UP THERE
WITH FORD AND GETTY.

YES... I'VE ARRANGED FOR
YOU TO DISCUSS YOUR PROJECT

WITH MR. GORDON ROSS.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR
FOR THE FOUNDATION.

I'M VERY GRATEFUL, MR. ROARKE,
AND I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

NO, YOU DO THINGS FASTER
THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

NOW, IF YOU WILL
EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT A LOT

OF PREPARING TO
DO FOR THAT MEETING.

MR ROARKE.

UH, MAY I?

OF COURSE.

MRS. CARLSON, I WOULD
LIKE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

SINCE THE DOCTOR SEEMS
PRIMARILY INTERESTED IN FINANCE,

WHEN HAS HE TIME
TO PRACTISE MEDICINE?

HA...

I'VE ASKED THAT QUESTION A LOT.

UM... PARDON ME IF THIS QUESTION

SOUNDS A LITTLE STRANGE,

BUT DON'T YOU WANT THE
DOCTOR TO HAVE HIS FANTASY,

A GIANT COMPLEX NAMED AFTER HIM?

OF COURSE.

I WANT...

WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM.

I JUST WISH I KNEW
WHAT THAT WAS.

EXCUSE ME, MR. ROARKE.

[♪♪]

HMM...

INTRIGUING, MY
FRIEND. WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, WHEN YOU OFFERED
TO SHOW ME THE PREPARATIONS

FOR EVELYNE AND DEE DEE'S
FANTASY, I NEVER EXPECTED

TO BE BROUGHT TO
THIS OLD OPERA HOUSE.

WHY NOT? IT'S SIMPLE.

WHERE DO CHORUS
GIRLS MEET RICH GUYS?

UH... NOW, LET ME THINK.

IN THE THEATER?

RIGHT.

I'M PUTTING ON A BROADWAY
MUSICAL FOR MILLIONAIRE BACKERS.

OH, YES, THAT ALWAYS

BRINGS IN THE BIG SPENDERS,

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO
FIND A NEW BROADWAY MUSICAL?

HIT IT, SWEETHEARTS!

[♪♪]

LET'S GO, BOSS.

AH, AH, AH...

OKAY, LET'S DO THE BOY MEETS
GIRL NUMBER FROM THE TOP.

ALL RIGHT.

[HIGH VOICE] I'LL PLAY THE GIRL.

I'LL PLAY THE BOY.

♪ WELL, HERE WE ARE ♪

♪ DOWN BY THE SEASHORE ♪

♪ WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? ♪

♪ ME WITH MY BEACH UMBRELLA ♪

[HIGH VOICE] ♪ ME
WITH MY FLOPPY HAT ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ LET'S
PUT ON OUR SWIM SUITS ♪

♪ AND GO FOR A PLUNGE ♪

[HIGH VOICE] ♪ I'D RATHER
COOK SOME WEENIES ♪

♪ AND HAVE SOME LUNCH ♪

MAN, DOES THIS STINK?

MMM...

BERNIE...

YEAH? OUR PRODUCER.

MR. TATTOO, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

WE GOT SOME SENSATIONAL
NEW SONGS FOR...

COOL IT, BOYS, COOL IT.

I'M SURE YOU KNOW MR. ROARKE.

WELL, BERNIE AND JACK,

WHEN I HIRED YOU TO PERFORM
IN THE FANTASY ISLAND LOUNGE,

ON A TRIAL BASIS,

I NEVER DREAMED YOU HAD
BROADWAY ASPIRATIONS.

OH, WE DON'T LET THIS INTERFERE
WITH OUR GIG IN THE LOUNGE, SIR,

AT LEAST, NOT MUCH.

MR. TATTOO SAID THE SHOW WAS THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING AND HE'S THE BOSS.

REALLY?

BOSS, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I JUST SAID THAT I
WAS THE PRODUCER,

AND THAT I NEEDED
A WRITER AND...

A STORY AND SOME MUSIC.

SO, BERNIE AND JACK WERE THERE WITH A
FULL TRUNK OF... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I THINK TATTOO FINDING
YOU FOR THE JOB

WAS A STROKE OF NEAR GENIUS.

BUT WHERE DO EVELYNE AND
DEE DEE FIT INTO THE PRODUCTION?

OH, THEY'RE GONNA BE
THE STARS OF THE SHOW.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS,

THE GIRLS ARE GONNA
BE HERE IN AN HOUR.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
STAGE AND I'LL MEET YOU THERE?

RIGHT, RIGHT.

THAT'S VERY GOOD... BOSS.

BRIEFLY, IT IS THE
HOSPITAL OF THE FUTURE.

A CONDITION SENSOR
FROM EACH PATIENT BED

FEEDS INTO THIS DATA BANK,

WHICH IS CAPABLE OF BOTH
DIAGNOSIS AND PROGNOSIS.

IN THE EVENT OF COMPLICATIONS,

THIS CENTRAL COMPUTER
ALERTS A TEAM OF SPECIALISTS.

COSTS ARE REDUCED,
EFFICIENCY INCREASED.

BECAUSE THESE HIGHLY
TRAINED DOCTORS AND SURGEONS

CAN MONITOR PATIENTS
AT A DOZEN HOSPITALS

SIMULTANEOUSLY.

BUT WITH EVERYTHING SO REMOVED,

WHAT ABOUT THE TRADITIONAL

DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIP?

WILL THEY EVER SEE EACH OTHER?

WELL, I'M AFRAID THE EMOTIONAL
INVOLVEMENT IS A CASUALTY OF ECONOMICS.

IT'S UNFORTUNATE,
BUT IT CAN'T BE HELPED.

I SEE.

I'M SURE YOUR PLAN FITS
OUR FUNDING CRITERIA.

HOWEVER, YOU'LL HAVE
TO PRESENT THE CONCEPT

TO THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE
FOR THEIR FINAL APPROVAL.

FINE, WHEN CAN I SEE THEM?

NOW THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

THEY'RE ADJOURNING THEIR ANNUAL
MEETING TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

IF YOU COULD HAVE
DINNER WITH THEM TONIGHT.

JUST TELL ME WHERE.

THE VILLA IS ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE ISLAND.

I'LL CALL THEM AND TELL
THEM YOU'RE COMING.

[♪♪]

YOU IDIOT!

DON'T YOU HAVE BRAINS ENOUGH TO
PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!?

[GASPING]

GOOD LORD, YOU'RE HAVING A BABY.

HURRY UP, EVELYNE.

IF WE'RE LATE FOR
THIS FIRST REHEARSAL,

MR. TATTOO WILL THINK
WE'RE UNPROFESSIONAL.

HEY, WELL, IT WON'T
BE MY FAULT, YOU KNOW.

I'M THE ONE THAT'S NEAR-SIGHTED

AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
GLUED HER EYE LASHES TOGETHER.

HEY, LOOK.

OH...

THEY BETTER BE ABLE
TO SING, ACT AND DANCE

OR THIS SHOW'S
GONNA BE A TURKEY.

NOW THOSE ARE
TWO REAL CUTE GUYS.

LOOK AT THE TALL BLOND ONE.

HE LOOKS A LOT LIKE ROBERT
REDFORD, DOESN'T HE?

EXCEPT HE HAS A DIFFERENT
FACE AND A DIFFERENT BODY.

HE'S TOO OBVIOUS. LOOK AT
THE LITTLE GUY AT THE PIANO.

NOW THERE'S A GUY
WITH SENSITIVITY.

I LIKE THE WAY HIS GLASSES
FALL DOWN HIS NOSE.

DON'T WORRY, THE
GIRLS WILL BE PERFECT,

OR I WOULD NEVER HAVE
CHOSE THEM MYSELF.

NOW, THEY MUST BE BACKSTAGE.

[WHISTLING] COME IN, GIRLS.

A LITTLE TRAVELLING MUSIC
FOR EVELYNE AND KATIE.

[♪♪]

YOU'RE OUR NEW STARS, HUH?

HI, LISTEN, I'M BERNIE.

WHOEVER YOU ARE. I'M DEE DEE.

SHE'S DEE DEE, I'M EVELYNE.

I'M, I'M JACK TERRY.

OH, HOW DO YOU DO?

CUT THE SMALL TALK.

AND YOU KIDS, YOU BETTER REHEARSE
AND LEARN THE NEW WEDDING NUMBER.

I WANT TO DO IT FOR
THE BACKER'S AUDITION.

RIGHT, THE BACKER'S AUDITION.

WE HAVE TO BE REAL SHARP FOR THOSE
RICH MILLIONAIRES, DON'T WE, EVELYNE?

HEY, KASTENBAUM. HUH?

THE MILLIONAIRES.

OH, WE HAVE TO GO REHEARSE.

WE HAVE TO REHEARSE
NOW. REHEARSE, RIGHT.

WELL, YOU'LL BE TERRIFIC...

I WROTE YOU A SONG.

A SONG? I WROTE THE WHOLE SHOW.

THEY SHOULD HAVE A VERY
SUCCESSFUL COLLABORATION.

THEY SEEM TO HAVE FOUND

WHAT MIGHT BEST BE
DESCRIBED AS INSTANT RAPPORT.

TATTOO... TATTOO?

[TAPPING]

TATTOO?

WELL, BOSS... WHEN
YOU'RE A BIG PRODUCER,

YOU'VE GOT TO PRESENT
THE PROPER IMAGE.

OH, SURE.

GET IN THERE...

[WOMAN GASPING]

YOU OKAY?

HERE, LET ME SEE.

THE PAINS ARE STILL
COMING 10 MINUTES APART.

THAT MEANS THE BABY WON'T
BE HERE FOR A WHILE YET.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST?

YES.

I'M HOPING FOR A BOY.

I'LL HAVE THE TIRE CHANGED IN
JUST A MINUTE. DOES THIS THING RUN?

OH, YES.

WELL, I MAY BORROW IT FROM
YOU AFTER I DROP YOU OFF.

WHERE'S THE NEAREST DOCTOR?

IN THE VILLAGE,
ABOUT 12 MILES AHEAD.

12 MILES.

IS THERE A PHONE THERE?

NO.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'LL
BE ALL RIGHT THERE.

YOU MUST BE A
VERY IMPORTANT MAN.

WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS?

ACTUALLY, I'M A DOCTOR.

THAT'S SO GOOD!

OUR DR. TOMA IS VERY OLD,

BUT VERY, VERY KIND.

THEY SAY HE DOES NOT
KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES.

I'M SURE YOU KNOW MUCH MORE.

OBSTETRICS ISN'T
EXACTLY MY SPECIALTY.

OPS...?

DELIVERING BABIES.

OH...

YOU DON'T NEED ME.

I'LL GET YOU TO DR. TOMA SOON,

AND YOU AND THE
BABY WILL BE JUST FINE.

[ENGINE FAILING]

OH, NO!

I'M SORRY. IT DOES THAT A LOT.

AHH! ARE YOU HURT?!

IF THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME,
WHY DON'T YOU GET IT FIXED.

THAT WOULD COST
MONEY AND I HAVE NONE.

CAN YOU WALK?

I WISH YES, BUT
I DON'T THINK SO.

[TATTOO HUMMING]

OH, BOSS. YOU'RE JUST IN
TIME FOR MY NEW HIT SONG.

OH? I WROTE IT FOR
THE SECOND ACT.

UH-HUH. WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN

AND PLAY IT AND I
WILL SING IT FOR YOU?

THEN, REHEARSALS ARE
GOING WELL, I PRESUME.

OH, FABULOUS. WHY DON'T
YOU START WITH THE INTRO?

NATURALLY, NATURALLY.

[♪♪]

[DISCORDANT NOTE]

HOW ARE THE GIRLS GETTING
ALONG WITH BERNIE AND JACK?

THEY SEEM TO

FIND ONE ANOTHER
QUITE INTERESTING.

OH, THEY'RE OKAY,
BOSS, THEY'RE OKAY.

I'LL GET THEM MARRIED
TO MILLIONAIRES.

WHY DON'T YOU START
AGAIN? THIS IS PERFECT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.

[♪♪]

♪ THEY SAY A KNIFE IN
THE BACK CAN CAUSE ♪

♪ YOU PAIN ♪

♪ WELL, SO DOES AN
OLD ANKLE SPRAIN ♪

♪ CONCUSSION CAN'T KILL YOU ♪

♪ BUT IT CAN THRILL YOU ♪

♪ OR CARRY YOUR
HEART HIGH ABOVE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE NOTHING ♪

♪ I SAY NOTHING ♪

♪ HURTS LIKE LOVE ♪

♪ SHOOBY-DOOBY-DOO,
SHOOBY-DOOBY-DOO ♪

♪ YES, NOTHING ♪

♪ HURTS LIKE LOVE ♪

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, BOSS?
A REAL GRABBER, HMM?

YES, I FELL I HAVE
DEFINITELY BEEN GRABBED.

I'M SURE IT WILL MAKE A VERY...

LARGE IMPRESSION.

I'M GONNA STICK IT IN
THE SHOW RIGHT AWAY.

OH...

AND, BOSS? YES.

CAN I ASK YOU A
QUESTION? OF COURSE.

ABOUT EVELYNE AND DEE DEE.

DO YOU THINK THEY LIKE BERNIE AND
JACK BETTER THAN THE MILLIONAIRES?

[SIGHING]

LOVE IS AN IRRATIONAL

ELEMENT, TATTOO.

IT OFTEN HAS NOTHING WHATEVER
TO DO WITH COMMON SENSE.

DON'T WORRY, BOSS.

THEIR FANTASY WAS
TO MARRY MONEY.

WELL, I'M GONNA MAKE SURE
THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT.

[TATTOO HUMMING]

[♪♪]

[TATTOO SCATTING]

[WOMAN GASPING]

ARE YOU OKAY?

OHH!

ALL RIGHT, NOW JUST
HANG ON, HANG ON.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

THAT A GIRL.

OKAY?

GOOD GIRL.

JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE
TO REST AND WE'LL GO ON.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.

THE PEOPLE, YOUR PATIENTS,

MUST LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TO
DO WITH THE PATIENTS.

WHY NOT?

IT'S NOT MY JOB.

BUT WHAT IS YOUR JOB?

I RAISE MONEY.

I MAKE SURE THAT
THINGS RUN RIGHT.

UNDERSTAND?

BUT A DOCTOR WHO
DOES NOT DOCTOR,

THAT IS VERY STRANGE.

I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.

JUST HOLD ON...

HOLD ON.

I'M GONNA SEE IF I
CAN GET SOME WATER,

GET THIS THING STARTED.

♪ IF YOU GOTTA BE MARRIED ♪

♪ TO THE PREACHER MAN CARRIED ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE NERVOUS ♪

♪ I'LL UNDERSTAND ♪...

THERE GOES MY HEEL. I'M SORRY.

YOU OKAY? YEAH.

OW, OW, OW! THAT'S WHERE IT IS.

OH, YOU POOR KID. YOUR
ANKLE LOOKS SWOLLEN.

I THINK A LITTLE
MASSAGE WOULD HELP.

YEAH?

HI.

HI.

YOUR MUSIC'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT CARRIES WITH IT A MESSAGE OF
HAPPINESS ON WINGS OF MELODY.

THAT'S VERY POETIC.

THANK YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE REHEARSING!

WE WERE JUST TAKING A BREAK.

WELL, NEXT TIME YOU
CAN TAKE YOUR BREAK

IN A SEPARATE PART OF THE ROOM.

COME ON, GIRLS. I
WANNA TALK TO YOU.

COME ON.

LISTEN, I SET UP
A COCKTAIL PARTY

SO YOU CAN MEET SOME
MILLIONAIRES BEFORE THE AUDITION.

NOW, I WANT EVERYTHING
TO GO PERFECTLY.

EVELYNE... MILLIONAIRES.

YEAH.

WELL, WE WANT EVERYTHING
TO BE PERFECT TOO,

SO WE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

[♪♪]

HELLO!

ANYBODY THERE?

THIS LADY NEEDS HELP.

IN THERE.

ADELA... OH, MY.

THERE YOU ARE. ADELA...

WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?

HERE'S NOT HERE. AN
EMERGENCY. A FARMER GOT HURT.

HIS TRACTOR, IT OVERTURNED.

WHEN WILL HE BE BACK?

WHEN HE IS FINISHED, SIR. I
AM THE DOCTOR'S MIDWIFE.

OH, GOOD, GOOD.

THIS LADY WILL TAKE CARE OF
YOU UNTIL THE DOCTOR COMES BACK.

THANK YOU, AND GOOD LUCK.

SIR, SIR!

SIR, I KNOW THIS GIRL.

THE DOCTOR IS VERY
WORRIED ABOUT HER.

SHE HAS LOST THREE BABIES.

IF THIS BABY'S NOT TURNED RIGHT,

SHE WILL HAVE MUCH TROUBLE.

MAYBE SHE WILL DIE THIS TIME IF
THE DOCTOR'S NOT HERE TO HELP HER.

THEN FIND HER HUSBAND,
HAVE HIM GO FOR THE DOCTOR.

HER HUSBAND? HE WAS
KILLED SIX MONTHS AGO.

THERE IS ONLY HER...

AND THE BABY.

[♪♪]

AFTER I FINISH MAKING
HONEYMOON FOLLY A HIT,

I WILL MAKE A MUSICAL
VERSION OF MOBY DICK.

THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO
DO IS TO GET A DANCING WHALE.

HA, HA... THAT'S
NOT TOO HARD, IS IT?

HAVE A BIT MORE
CHAMPAGNE, DEE DEE.

I LOVE TO WATCH YOUR NOSE
CRINKLE WHEN THE BUBBLES ATTACK.

HEY, FUNNY!

YOU'RE A FUN GUY,
FREDDIE. THANK YOU.

BUT EVELYNE AND I ARE LATE

FOR REHEARSAL AND WE GOTTA GO.

OH, THEN YOU MUST HAVE DINNER WITH
ME TONIGHT. I THINK I'M MAD FOR YOU.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?
WE REALLY HAVE TO GO.

CERTAINLY.

[SOFTLY] REHEARSAL.

GOODBYE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

A REAL LIVE MILLIONAIRE
IS CRAZY ABOUT ME.

YEAH!

OOH, IS HE GORGEOUS TOO.

MINE ISN'T THAT GORGEOUS,

BUT, LISTEN, HE'S GOT
TREMENDOUS DRIVE.

I THINK HE'S IN LOVE ALREADY.

WELL, THIS IS WHAT
WE WAITED FOR, RIGHT?

YEAH.

YEAH... RIGHT.

SO WHAT DO I FEEL SO ROTTEN FOR?

HERE I HAVE A MILLIONAIRE
ON TAP AND ALL I CAN

THINK ABOUT IS THAT
CRUMMY SONGWRITER JACK.

FIGHT IT, EVELYNE.

YOU HAVE TO TURN YOURSELF
TO STEEL AND GO FOR RICHES

OR IT'LL BE JUST LIKE IT WAS
IN LAS VEGAS ALL OVER AGAIN.

EWW... I THOUGHT
YOU LIKED BERNIE.

I DO, BUT I'M NOT GONNA
LET INFATUATION RUIN MY LIFE.

BESIDES,

FREDDIE IS A WONDERFUL PERSON.

HE COLLECTS PORCELAIN.

OOH, NICE.

HEY, SEE IF YOU
CAN GET HIM TO SEND

ME AND DEWITT A SINK
FOR A WEDDING PRESENT.

[VOICE OF TATTOO] SOMETHING
TELLS ME I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

OH, MR. ROARKE.

MRS. CARLSON, I'M AFRAID
THERE IS A PROBLEM.

THE DOCTOR'S CAR
WAS FOUND ON THE ROAD.

THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT ACCIDENT.

NOTHING SERIOUS, NOTHING
SERIOUS, BUT HE WASN'T FOUND.

DIDN'T HE ARRIVE AT
THE VILLA? I'M AFRAID NOT.

I AM GOING TO TRY THE ROAD
AND PERHAPS I CAN FIND HIM.

YOU'RE CERTAINLY WELCOME
TO JOIN ME IF YOU WISH.

OH, I'LL BE READY IN
A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

[ADELA] OHH!

OHH!

THE PAINS ARE FASTER NOW.

THREE MINUTES APART.

IS SOMETHING WRONG, SIR?

NOTHING...

JUST LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING
TO MISS AN APPOINTMENT.

OH, IT'S THE DOCTOR.

GOOD.

NOW YOU JUST HANG ON.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

DOCTOR, THERE'S A PATIENT
IN THERE WAITING FOR YOU.

WHO ARE YOU?

WELL, I'M JUST A GOOD
SAMARITAN WHOSE JOB IS DONE.

[JACK] RIGHT, ARCH THE
BACK. BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!

VERY NICE!

GREAT!

OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE FIVE, EVERYBODY.

WE WANT TO TALK TO
OUR STARS PRIVATELY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
DID WE GOOF? NO.

UM... ACTUALLY, IT WOULD
PROBABLY BE BETTER

IF WE TALKED TO YOU ALONE.

JACK TALKING TO EVELYNE,

AND ME TALKING TO YOU.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME,
AND SINCE WE'RE PARTNERS,

WE DON'T HAVE ANY
SECRETS, SO HERE GOES.

WE LOVE YOU.

HE MEANS THAT HE
LOVES YOU AND I LOVE YOU.

I KNOW WE HAVEN'T PROVED TO
YOU THAT WE CAN GET TO BROADWAY,

BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS
GET THE BEST FROM US.

I KNOW WHAT WE'RE
DOING IS CRAZY,

BUT WE'RE STILL DOING IT.

WE WANT YOU TO MARRY US.

UH, HIM, HER, AND YOU...

IT ISN'T THAT WE
DON'T LIKE YOU A LOT.

ME, YOU, HER, HIM.

IT'S JUST THAT...

THAT...

IT'S JUST THAT IT WOULD
BE WRONG FOR US,

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T COME TO FANTASY
ISLAND TO GET MARRIED, AT LEAST, NOT TO...

I'M SORRY.

WELL, WE WISH YOU ALL BEST.

PLACES, EVERYONE, FOR
THE WEDDING NUMBER.

[♪♪]

DR. TOMA, HAVE YOU SEEN
BY ANY CHANCE A GENTLEMAN...

MR. ROARKE, I MUST
HAVE YOUR HELP.

THERE'S A GIRL INSIDE.
HER WATER'S BROKEN.

BUT THE BABY'S BREACH.
IT WON'T COME OUT.

CAN'T YOU HELP HER?

I WILL IF I HAVE TO, BUT I
DON'T WANT TO CHANCE IT.

SHE NEEDS A CAESAREAN.

I'M NOT OPERATING ANY MORE.

BUT THE GIRL SAID THERE
WAS MAN HERE. HE'S A DOCTOR.

HE'S ON HIS WAY TO
GUTENBERG VILLA.

HOLD ON AS BEST YOU CAN, DOCTOR.

I'LL TRY TO CATCH UP WITH HIM.

MRS. CARLSON?

I THINK I'M NEEDED HERE. CAN YOU USE
ANOTHER NURSE? I USED TO BE PRETTY GOOD.

OH, THANK YOU.

I'LL BE BACK SOON.

[ENGINE STRUGGLING]

[HORN HONKING]

AH, HELL!

YOU ARE NEEDED BACK AT THE
VILLAGE, DOCTOR. IT'S THE GIRL.

DR. TOMA FEELS SHE
NEEDS A CAESAREAN.

LOOK, ROARKE, THAT'S
A SIMPLE OPERATION.

DR. TOMA'S AFRAID HE'S OVER
HIS HEAD. HE'S AN OLD MAN.

HE'S AFRAID THE GIRL
MIGHT DIE IF HE OPERATES.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I'M ASKING THE GUTENBERG
FOUNDATION FOR $50 MILLION!

YES, FOR THE CARLSON
MEDICAL CENTER.

PEOPLE HAVE BABIES EVERY
DAY. SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

AND I'M SORRY FOR
YOU, DR. CARLSON.

DO WE STILL HAVE HER, DOCTOR?

BARELY, I THINK.

I DOUBT IF WE COULD
HAVE WAITED MUCH LONGER.

DOCTOR...

THE BABY WON'T...

NOW, DON'T WORRY.

WE'RE GONNA GIVE HIM SOME HELP.

TRUST ME.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JUST FINE.

WE'LL TAKE THE
BABY BY C-SECTION.

ARE YOU READY, NURSE?

YES, DOCTOR. I HAVE
EVERYTHING PREPARED.

[BABY CRYING]

IT'S A BOY!

OH, WONDERFUL.

LOVELY.

AND THE MOTHER?

RESTING, AND DOING WELL.

I'VE BEEN IN TOUCH WITH THE
FOUNDATION BY OUR CB RADIO.

THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE
UNDERSTANDS WHY YOU'RE LATE

AND WILL WAIT FOR YOU.

YOU BETTER TELL THEM
THAT I'M NOT COMING.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE
CARLSON MEDICAL CENTER?

LET SOMEBODY ELSE BUILD IT.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF
GOOD ENGINEERING DOCTORS

WHO CAN PUT IT
TOGETHER WITHOUT ME.

YOU KNOW, I'D ALMOST
FORGOTTEN THAT THIS

IS WHAT MEDICINE IS ALL ABOUT.

MR, ROARKE, CAN I TELL HIM NOW?

I THINK YOU SHOULD, YES.

I HAD A FANTASY TOO.

THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN
TO GIVE US BACK OUR MARRIAGE.

THANKS FOR GIVING
ME BACK THE DOCTOR

I MARRIED.

[PIANO NOTE PLAYING]

WHY SO SAD, MY FRIEND?

BOSS, I BLEW IT.

WHAT?

THE GIRLS. THEY DON'T
LOVE THE MILLIONAIRES.

THEY LOVE THE SONG WRITERS.

WHAT SHALL I DO, BOSS?
THEY ARE MISERABLE.

WELL...

IF YOU COULD ENGINEER

A HAPPY UNITING OF THE LOVERS...

DEE DEE WITH BERNIE,
AND EVELYNE WITH JACK.

ALMOST THE WAY IT
HAPPENS ON STAGE...?

IN THE WEDDING NUMBER...?

BOSS!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AND NOW, FUTURE BACKERS,

HERE COMES THE
HIGHLIGHT OF MY SHOW.

THE BIG WEDDING NUMBER,
WHERE THE TWO LEADING LADIES

MARRY THE DANCING MILLIONAIRES

AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

[♪♪]

♪ WE'RE GOING TO A WEDDING ♪

♪ WE DON'T EXPECT TO CRY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE GETTING
MARRIED CAN BE SUCH FUN ♪

♪ WHEN A GIRL HAS FOUND A GUY ♪

♪ SO, HERE'S THE PREACHER ♪

♪ REVEREND JONES ♪

♪ HE'LL TIE THE LOVER'S KNOT ♪

BOSS, HE'S PERFECT. WHO IS HE?

THE REVEREND ABNER MOONEY,
FROM CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA.

HIS FANTASY WAS TO
APPEAR IN A MUSICAL.

FORTUNATELY, HIS
REQUEST CAME IN LAST WEEK.

WELL, I HOPE THEY DON'T KILL ME WHEN THEY
FIND OUT THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED FOR REAL.

AND NOT TO MILLIONAIRES.

♪ HERE COMES THE BRIDE ♪

♪ AND THEN THE GROOM ♪

♪ IF YOU WANNA GET MARRIED ♪

♪ YOU MAY HAVE TO BE CARRIED ♪

♪ TO THE PREACHER MAN BURIED ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE NERVOUS ♪

♪ AT SAYIN' I DO ♪

♪ DO YOU? ♪

♪ WE DO ♪

♪ DO YOU? ♪

♪ WE'LL DO IT TOO ♪

♪ AND WHEN YOU GET MARRIED ♪

♪ THE BRIDE'S GOTTA BE CARRIED ♪

♪ ACROSS THE THRESHOLD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE ♪

♪ IT'S OFFICIAL ♪

♪ TIME FOR A RIDE ♪

♪ YOU'RE MARRIED ♪

♪ PLEASE KISS THE BRIDE ♪

BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED
IN ME, I HEREBY PROCLAIM,

YOU, DEE DEE VERONA
AND BERNARD PARKER

AND YOU EVELYNE
KASTENBAUM AND JACK TERRY,

MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MEAN, WE'RE MARRIED? REALLY?

OH, YES.

HIM TO HER AND ME...

♪ NOW THE FUTURE
BELONGS TO YOU ♪

♪ BECAUSE YOU
SAID I DO AND I DO ♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE REALLY MARRIED ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CARRIED ♪

♪ TO THE PREACHER MAN ♪

♪ YOU ARE MARRIED ♪

♪ THE GIRLS DID NOT CRY ♪

♪ THEY HAVE EACH FOUND ♪

♪ A WONDERFUL GUY ♪

I REALLY FAILED, BOSS.

THEY DIDN'T MARRY MILLIONAIRES.

WELL, ACTUALLY,

BERNIE AND JACK
HAD A FANTASY TOO.

THEY DID?

THEY ARE VERY SUCCESSFUL
BROADWAY DRAMATISTS,

BUT NOBODY IN NEW
YORK WOULD GIVE THEM

A CHANCE TO DO A MUSICAL, SO...

BOSS, THEY ARE SUCCESSFUL
PLAYWRIGHTS? YES.

THEN THEY MUST HAVE A
FEW BUCKS IN THE BANK.

A FEW MILLION, TO BE EXACT.

THEN THEY GOT
THEIR MILLIONAIRES!

THEY GOT MARRIED
TO THEIR MILLIONAIRES.

I DID IT! I REALLY PULLED
IT OFF, DIDN'T I, BOSS?

YOU CERTAINLY DID, MY
FRIEND, YOU CERTAINLY DID.

CONGRATULATIONS, MY FRIEND.

THE SHOW WAS A SMASH.

BUT IT'S NOT THE
END, BOSS. NOT YET.

NO?

THEY DIDN'T DO MY
BEAUTIFUL NUMBER.

OH... YOU REMEMBER?
YOU PROMISED?

YES, I DID, DIDN'T I?

HERE, BOSS.

LIGHTS...

MAESTRO, INTRODUCTION, PLEASE.

[♪♪]

♪ THEY SAY A KNIFE IN THE BACK ♪

♪ CAN CAUSE YOU PAIN ♪

♪ WELL, SO DOES ♪

♪ AN OLD ANKLE SPRAIN ♪

♪ CONCUSSION CAN'T KILL YOU ♪

♪ BUT IT CAN THRILL YOU ♪

♪ OR CARRY YOUR
HEART HIGH ABOVE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE NOTHING ♪

♪ I SAY NOTHING ♪

♪ HURTS LIKE LOVE ♪

♪ SHOOBY-DOOBY, SHOOBY-DOOBY ♪

♪ YES, NOTHING ♪

♪ HURTS LIKE LOVE ♪

YEAH...!

THANKS!

GOOD LUCK AND A
LOT OF HAPPINESS.

PRETTY PROUD OF
YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU?

CONGRATULATIONS, MY FRIEND.

GOODBYE, MR. ROARKE, AND THANKS.

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

GOODBYE, DOCTOR, MRS. CARLSON.

GOODBYE.