Fantasy Island (1977–1984): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

The plane! The plane!

Smiles. Smiles, everyone.

Ah, it's going to
be a beautiful day.

Who are the guests
this time, boss?

Any beautiful women?

Tattoo, how many times
do I have to tell you?
All women are beautiful.

Sometimes you just have to
look for it a little harder.
That's all.

Miss Ann Dowd,
age 25, unmarried.

She works in the office
of a trailer company
in Akron, Ohio,

as does Maxine Bender.

Also 25, also unmarried.



They've been best friends
since high school.

If Robert Redford gets off next,
I know what their fantasy is.

Tattoo, it so happens that Ann
and Maxine's fantasy...

is much more glamorous
than that.

In fact, it's a fantasy shared
by countless people
all over the world.

They want a chance to live
in a modern fairy tale...

and, like Cinderella,
for just a brief time,

to be one of the glamorous,
beautiful people of the world.

- A jet-setter.
- Those two, glamorous?

This time, boss,
I think you've bitten off
more than you can chew.

Well, it's reassuring to know
I have your
unfailing confidence.

You don't have to get mad, boss.
No one can bat a thousand.

Is he here to join
the glamorous life too?

[ Mr. Roarke ]
Quite on the contrary, Tattoo.
Mr. Udall is a famous magician.



Then he must have
a lot of money.

Enough to pay
the full price for a fantasy.

Must you always reduce
everything to such crass terms?

Yes, Mr. Udall
is very successful,

and at a very
dangerous profession.

Some say he's the most daring
and spectacular escape artist
the world has seen...

since his late father,
who was the original
Great Dante,

but just once would like
to perform his own escape--

something that his father
or Houdini...

or any other escape artist
in history never even conceived.

It's a request
he may live to regret.

My dear guests,
I am Mr. Roarke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

Do those men have something
to do with the trap
you have for me, Mr. Roarke?

Oh, very much so, Mr. Udall.

You see,
they've come for you.

They look like some sort
of prison guards.
They are indeed.

They are from Ile du Diable.

Ile du Diable?
You mean, Devil's Island?

One of the most notorious,
godforsaken prisons
in the history of the world.

Yes, but, uh, Devil's Island
doesn't exist anymore.

Doesn't it? This is
Fantasy Island, Mr. Udall,

and here anything exists,
if I so wish.

- [ French ]
- [ French ]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Take it easy!

Mr. Roarke!
I'm sorry, but they're
only doing their job.

You see, they believe you to be
a convicted murderer
whom I am delivering to them.

Murderer?
What are you talking about?

Uh, Mrs. Udall, your husband's
fantasy was for me...

to provide him with
the ultimate challenge
for escape.

Uh, the, uh, lagoon
lets out to the open sea.

The island on which
the prison is located
is 15 miles from our shore.

Oh, I should also tell you
that the waters around it...

are infested... with sharks.

You can stop
your fantasy now, Mr. Udall,

or nevermore.

[ Mr. Roarke: French ]
[ Guard: French ]

There is nothing you can do
for him now, Mrs. Udall.

I'll take you back
to the main house.

[ Engine Starts ]

Your fantasy will begin
with a change of wardrobe.

Is all this for us
to wear this weekend?

I hope you enjoy them.
Enjoy them?
I'm afraid to touch them.

Oh, Ann, have you ever seen
anything more elegant?

Look at this one.

Grace Kelly wore one
just like that in High Society.

Uh, will you come in
when you can, please?

I am so happy
you're pleased,

but if you want to be
truly jet-setters,

I think you must first meet
Mr. Robert Massoon.

- Robert Massoon is here?
- Oh, very much so.

And he's ready
to help you. Ah.

Mr. Massoon,
I'd like you to meet
Miss Dowd and Miss Bender.

For us?

But he's the most
famous beauty expert
in the whole world.

Mr. Massoon,
I've read all your books.

Have you really?

Eh, well, Robert,
can you have your staff...

make these two young ladies
glamorous jet-setters?

Well, as far
as glamour is concerned,
I can do anything.

But, uh, in this case,
Mr. Roarke,

I-- I can't promise.

[ Sighs ]
I have done all I can.

[ French ]
[ French ]

[ French ]

[ Engine Starting ]

[ French Continues ]

Take a good look, Udall.
That is the last you will
ever see of the free world.

[ Laughing ]

[ Shouts ]
[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Engine Revving ]

[ All Laughing ]

[ Speaking French ]

[ Speaking French ]

Mmm!

Oh, cheer up, Tattoo.
Cheer up.

As you say,
no one can bat a thousand.

Well, it's fun trying.
Ah!

Our two friends from the plane,
Ann and Maxine.

Those are not the same girls.

Aren't they?

They are the same girls!

You folks just get pretty girls
here by the bunches, don't ya?

That's the way I like them.
[ Chuckles ]

Miss Dowd, Miss Bender,
you look just exquisite.

- Both of you.
- You really think so?

Oh, don't just judge by me.
Look around you.

Like Count Rudolph over there,

the jury of your peers.

Oh, I think the count
is looking at me.

Uh, the, um,
background stories...

we have discreetly
spread about you...

are that, uh,
you are both heiresses.

Um, your money came from,
uh, oil, Miss Dowd.

Uh, Miss Bender,
your fortune came from shipping.

How exciting.
I always did love sailors.
[ Giggles ]

♪♪ [ Drumroll ]
[ Tattoo On P.A. ]
Attention, attention, please.

It's time for
the scavenger hunt.

- Scavenger hunt?
- Yes.

I love scavenger hunts!

[ Tattoo ]
Anyone wishing to participate
in the contest, attention.

Enjoy yourself, Miss Dowd.
Excuse me.

The grand prize for
the scavenger hunt will be...

the Debussy necklace
and earring set.

[ People Gasping ]
But first,
everyone must find a partner.

Would you like
to be my partner?
[ Tattoo Continues, Indistinct ]

Me?

Oh, I'd love to, Count.

The sun cascades
against your face
like crying starlight.

You're Ian Cooper Smith,
the writer.

And you're beautiful.

May I escort you
to the scavenger hunt?

Hold on there.
Not so fast.

The lady already
has a partner.

That is,
if you want one.

Um--

I want one.

Your records say that you
have escaped many prisons.

No one has ever escaped
my command.

Believe me, prisoner Udall,

I will watch you more closely
than the spider
watches the fly.

And if you are so foolish--

[ French ]

Had him put in there
three days ago.

He tried to steal
an extra portion of food.

Imagine what I will do to you...

if you ever dare
try to escape.

[ French ]

That's it, that's it.
Just a little closer.

Don't shake the branch.
You'll drop it.

If there are any eggs,
don't break them.

- I got it! I got it! Oh!
- Gott in Himmel!

Are you all right?
Oh, I'm fine.

And look, I still have
the bird's nest!

That means,
with the bicycle tire...

and the silver spoon
we already have,

all we need now is a red ball
and a duck to win!

Gott in Himmel!
What a hearty girl you are!

[ Children Chattering ]
Look, there's a red ball.

That looks like
it's being put to
pretty good use already.

[ Chattering Continues ]

You know,
it's a funny thing about kids.

Whether they're here
or in the city...

or on some Indian reservation
in Oklahoma,

they all play the same--
simple, straightforward,

not afraid to laugh.

You sound like you spend a lot
of your time watching kids play.

I do. I used to anyway.

Before I had to
spend all my time
taking care of my money,

I used to be into pediatrics,
child behavior, all of that.

You're a doctor?
Used to be.

No time anymore.

Do you mean nobody's told you
about my private casino...

and racquetball club
that I'm buggin' everybody
to invest in?

No.

Well, no wonder
you're so friendly.
Really, I got a great spot.

Right on the strip in Vegas,
but completely private.

Nobody but our crowd,

and shares of membership
just $10,000 each.

Oh, it sounds like fun.

I'll, uh, talk
to my lawyers about it.

Doc, what do you say?
Shall we go down...

and try and talk them
out of their red ball?

Well, I suppose we could,
but seein' as...

we haven't been able
to gather a single thing...

on this scavenger hunt,
why louse up a perfect record?

Come on.
It's martini time.

Let me
get you something, eh?

You must be sick as hell
right now.

The first day in here
and the boat ride
and the stench in this place.

My last cigarette.
American.

I was saving it for my birthday,
but I've forgotten when that is.

No, no, no. I couldn't
take that from you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you. Go ahead.
Your first day here.
You deserve it.

God knows you deserve something.

Besides, I've...
been coughing too much lately.

Got a light?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.
How old is this building?

Not old enough,
but the cement in
the basement window is looser,

if that's what
you're thinking.
Yeah.

You, uh-- You have
a very light touch.

It's very good.
Hmm?

My pad and pencil, please.

[ Chuckling ]

No hard feelings, I hope.
I just like to keep in practice.

By the way, uh, how did you
sneak it past the guard
in the shower?

The same way I, uh,
kept this watch.

I, uh, picked his pocket
after I changed
into the uniform.

Oh, of course. You, uh--

You put it in his pocket
in the first place
for safekeeping.

Wow. You're either a pickpocket
or a magician.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're the pickpocket.
I'm the magician.

You're, uh, second-to-last
cigarette, I believe?

No hard feelings.
I like to keep in practice too.

Doesn't matter.

Oh, it does matter if you know
a man named Mr. Roarke.

[ Laughing ]

If my guess is right,
you're not a real prisoner here.

You're-- You're a magician
or an escape artist.

Someone who had the fantasy
to make the ultimate escape.

How do you know that?

[ Scoffs ]
My dear American.

Just look at me
and see your future.

They used to call me
"The Great Dauphin."

The Great Dauphin?
He died 10 years ago.

Yeah, 10 years ago
is when I asked Mr. Roarke...

to provide me with
my ultimate escape.

[ Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Tribal Drums ]

[ Applause ]

Well, ladies, I hope
you're enjoying yourselves.

Enjoying ourselves?
It's like a dream come true.

Imagine, me having dinner
with a count...

and Ann with the handsomest
millionaire doctor
I've ever seen.

I'm so pleased.
Oh, I see you won
the prize today.

Yes! It's real, isn't it?

Oh, indeed it is. It was part
of the Debussy collection.

The rest, of course,
is to be auctioned off
here tomorrow night.

- Auction?
- Oh, yes.

That's always the highlight
of our masquerade ball.

[ Roarke ]
We raise a lot of money
for charity.

You see, it's tradition
that every guest bids...

on at least one of
the items up for sale.

But, Mr. Roarke,
that isn't fair.

We can't afford
to buy anything.
I'm sorry, Miss Dowd.

Your fantasy was
to spend two days
as members of the jet set.

But if we don't bid on anything,
they'll know we don't belong.

Oh, I hope not.

I sincerely hope not.

Will you excuse us, please?

Midnight. Probably'll be
right in the middle
of the masquerade ball.

I suppose it had to
end sometime. But how
are we gonna tell them?

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Midnight.

Just like a couple
of Cinderellas, huh?

[ Men Chattering ]

Oh, Mr. Roarke! Mr. Roarke.

Oh, I'm glad
I caught up with you.

Do I look all right?
You look just fine,
Mr. Harmon.

Are you sure? I-- I don't
usually wear clothes like this.

Believe me, you are the picture
of elegance.

But you better hurry.
You don't want to be late.

No, no, I don't wanna be late.
Wish me luck.
[ Nervous Sigh ]

What is he so excited about?

Mr. Harmon is having lunch
with Charlie's Angels.

Charlie's Angels?
Mm-hmm.

- All three of them?
- Well, of course, Tattoo.
Something wrong?

No, but, uh, I thought that, uh,
if you don't need me, I--

- Yes?
- Well, I thought that...

maybe Mr. Harmon could use
a little help with dessert.

Uh-huh. Do try not
to get in the way,
will you, Tattoo?

Thank you.

I was beginnin' to think
you'd never show up.

Everybody seems to be
having so much fun.

Well, yeah. I mean,
it's a bundle
of laughs around here.

It's nice
to be around folks who know
how to enjoy themselves.

Why? Is somethin' wrong?

Uh, no. I'm just
looking for Maxine.

Oh. Well, I'm afraid
I haven't seen her.

Well, I'm gonna
be Peter Pan tonight.
How about you?

What?
For the masquerade.

They sent me a pair
of green tights
and a funny hat,

so I figure it's either that
or Robin Hood.

[ Sighs ]
I'm sure in your case
it's Robin Hood.

Well, if that's true,
I'd sure like you
to be my Maid Marian.

Oh, uh--

I don't know.
Uh, to tell you the truth,

I don't think I feel up
to going tonight.

It's nothing I've done,
I hope?

Oh, no.
It isn't that. It--

I will go and get
a drink, and I--

Excuse me.
I have to go talk to Maxine.

Say, 8:00, please.

8:00.

Where have you been?
I've been looking all over
for you.

Rudy took me out
on his yacht.

It's just off the island.
It's terrific.

Look, I don't mean
to get personal,

but don't you think you're
getting too friendly with him?

We're going home tomorrow.
Now's not the time
to get involved.

Why not? Who am I
saving myself for?

Smitty in the machine shop?

Or one of those guys
on the assembly line?

Maybe Rudy isn't
the handsomest guy in the world,

but he's really nice.

He likes me,
and I like him.

He thinks I'm a hearty girl.

I'm sorry. I mean,
if you really like him.

It's just that I'm
tryin' to figure out...

what we're going to do tonight
when they start that auction.

I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna let Rudy buy me
anything he wants to.

- You can't do that!
- I'll tell you something, Ann.

I've been poor,
and now I've had a taste
of being rich,

and I like rich
a whole lot better.

[ Sighs ]

You're very good.
Gonna attempt to escape?

- I'm gonna try.
- I know a way.

[ Keys Jingling ]

I know, I know.
You look at me and say,

"I know a way"--
what am I doing here?

Well, you can say
I lost my nerve.

The last time I escaped,
seven years ago,

they brought me back and put me
in the box for three days.

[ Keys Jingling ]

I'm going out alone, Ipsy.
Please, please,
don't leave me here.

I'm goin' out alone.

I have to, Ipsy.

Yeah.

I remember when I
had to go alone.

I was young and proud.

I remember.

♪♪ [ Dance ]

Having a good time, Tattoo?

Oh, boss, how did
you know it was me?

Having fun?
[ Sighs ]

Whenever he's not busy
tryin' to sell shares
in his racquetball club.

You really like him,
don't you?

More than anyone
I've ever known.
I'm leaving.

You know, Maxine,
I'm really beginning
to feel like Cinderella.

I mean, pretty soon
the clock's gonna strike 12:00,

and the auction will start,
and then everything
will come apart.

- I said I'm leaving.
- What?

Rudy and I. The tide
goes out in an hour,

and we're taking out
his yacht with it.

You and the count?

He wants to take me back home
to meet his mother.

But that's crazy, Maxine.

He-- He thinks
you're an heiress.

What's gonna happen
when he finds out
you don't have any money?

I already told him.
He doesn't care.

He just keeps saying I'm
a hearty girl and he loves me.

And I think I love him too.

But you just met him.

I've known him longer
than you've known the doc,
and look how you feel about him.

Don't you understand, Ann?

All my life I've been a size 10
tryin' to fit into a size eight.

And finally, I find somebody
who likes me just like I am,

and I love him for that.

- I don't know what to say.
- Just wish me luck.

And I'll write
as soon as I can.
Oh!

Bye-bye.

Say, I'm sorry I took so long.

Did you find any members
for your club?

No, not yet,
but they'll come around.

Say, have you thought
about it any more?

Um, I'm afraid I-- I can't.

Uh, not right now.

Yeah, I know. All your money's
tied up in cash.

- No, it's not that.
- ♪♪ [ Fanfare ]

- It's just--
- [ Tattoo On P.A. ]
Attention, attention.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's midnight.

The bewitching hour is here,
and the auction
is about to begin.

[ Applause ]

Excuse me. I think I'll
buy myself a drink.

- [ Tattoo ] Remember, please
that you are bidding--
- Roger? Roger?

[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Please, I want to explain.

I have to explain.
Ann, leave it alone.

I'm sorry.
I'm just in a bad mood.
It's not your fault.

But it is my fault,
because I'm a liar.
I'd invest in your club.

I'd invest in anything
for you if I could,
but I can't.

I'm a fake, a phony.

I'm not a jet-setter.
I don't have a lot of money.

I don't have any money.

I work in a trailer factory
in Akron, Ohio.

A trailer factory?
How disgustingly gauche,
darling.

Well, if nothing else,
I hope I've given you all
a good laugh.

Wait a minute, Ann.
Ye gods, a trailer factory!

And to think I
talked to her once.
You stupid jerk.

Well! Waiter,
more champagne.

Have some on me.

[ Shouting, Gasping ]
[ Gasping ]

Look!

[ Footsteps ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Alarm Blaring ]

[ Guard Shouting In French ]

You run, you die!
You can't escape!

[ Gunfire Continues ]

[ Alarm Continues ]

[ Shouting In French ]

[ Dogs Barking ]

[ Barking Continues ]

You are a most foolish man.

Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Roarke.

Oh, boy,
am I glad to see you.
[ Chuckles ]

I understand
there was some excitement
around here last night, huh?

A slight miscalculation,
as you can see.
I tell ya, I'm lucky.

If it had been one of
my father's water escapes,
I never would've made it.

Well, live and learn,
as they say.

Perhaps your next attempt
will be more successful.

Next attempt?
Oh, no, no. No, no.
I surrender.

It was a hell of a test,
Mr. Roarke, really.

But, uh, no. You, uh,
can tell these people
I'm ready to go back now.

Tell 'em who I am.
Go back?

Yeah, to Fantasy Island.
You win, Mr. Roarke.

I give up.

Uh, Mr. Udall, the fantasy
I agreed to provide for you...

was for
the ultimate escape.

Agreed.

But that's over.
I give up.

Oh, Mr. Udall,

I'm sure your cell mate,
Ipsy Dauphin, told you.

There is no provision
for giving up.

I'm afraid, just like Ipsy,
if you don't escape,

you'll spend the rest
of your life here.

Oh, no. You're not gonna
get away with that.

My wife Kathy's
back on that island.

Oh, Mr. Udall,
your wife Kathy...

will be told exactly
what Ipsy Dauphin's wife
was told 10 years ago--

that you died
attempting an escape.

It shouldn't be hard
to convince her.

Oh, speaking of your friend,

he did ask me
to give you this.

He said something about,
um, uh, saving it
for Christmas. Um--

He said you being in here,
you need it
more than he would.

- Something wrong?
- Just last night--

- Yes?
- Nothing.

Oh.

Well, if it makes you
feel any better,

the guard said you
almost made it last night.

A few more feet,
and they would've
lost you in the jungle.

Yes.
[ Chuckles ]

Do enjoy your smoke, Mr. Udall.

It may be the last one
you'll have in a long time.

I was hopin' I'd find you here.

I went by your place last night,
then again this mornin'.

I wasn't answering.
Yeah, I gathered that.

Well, I guess I made
a pretty big jerk
of myself last night.

Hell, I made a pretty big
jerk of myself
the whole weekend.

It wasn't you.

There you go again--

disagreeing with me
before you know all the facts.

I told you.
I'm not who I said I was.

I don't have any money.

Honey, ya had company
and didn't know it.

- What?
- Me.

I live in a battered-up
old trailer...

that might've been made
by the company you work for.

But what about all that
money you were raising
for the Las Vegas Racquet Club?

I'm afraid that was a lie too.

Is there anything about you
that's true?

Those kids I told you about
on the Indian reservation--
They're true.

The fact that I'm a doctor--
That's true too.

You see, my fantasy
was to raise 30,000
or $40,000,

and I figured
the best way to do it...

was to pitch a lot
of wealthy people...

to invest in somethin' stupid.

- Then it was all a con.
- A dream.

A fantasy. A con. I guess
maybe it was all those things.

What were you gonna do
with all the money?

Build a clinic for my kids.

I mean, it wouldn't have been
no 10-story job.

Maybe just a one-story adobe
with the proper equipment.

You see, right now,
the nearest, decent clinic
is 40 miles away.

And, hell, those people,
they spend 10 thousand
spillin' drinks.

I love you, Dr. Sullivan,

even if you are
a lousy con man.

You know, you'd be a fool
to come back with me.

I mean, that's an awfully
small trailer.

Oh, I don't take up
a whole lot of space.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Gasps ]
Shh.

Udall, what--
what are you doing here?

I ran out of cigarettes.
Come on. Let's get outta here.

No, no.
I'm liable to slow you down.

I'll take that chance.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Come on. I already got
a rope hole in the wall.

Yeah, good.
Let's go.

Yeah.
[ Groans ]

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Get down.

Now what are we gonna do?
They're about to change
the guard.

Hey, trust me.
I told you
I knew a way out.

All right.
Come on.

This way, this way.

In there.

That's the garbage.
I know, I know.

It's taken out on a boat
every morning at dawn.

Five miles out at sea
and dumped.

Five miles?
What about the sharks?
Don't worry.

The boat has a dinghy.
Once we're out at sea,

we'll grab it and head
for Fantasy Island.

Let's go.
Look out.

Okay, you first. Go on.

Ooh. Oh.

[ Shouts In French ]

[ French ]

You may take
all your garbage out now.

- [ French ]
- [ Engine Starts ]

[ Ipsy Chuckling ]
We got out just in time.
I'm all out of cigarettes.

[ Udall ] That's okay.
I'm out of matches.
[ Chuckling Continues ]

Mr. Roarke, I just wanna
thank you for everything.

Even though
it was not everything
you may have expected?

No, I got more than I expected
or hoped for.

- And Dr. Sullivan?
- I can't complain.

I'm very happy
you're both so pleased.

Oh, uh, before I forget,
your friend Maxine
left something for you.

The Debussy necklace.

It's worth a great
deal of money.

Perhaps not enough to build
a 10-story racquetball club,

but at least enough to build
a first-rate medical clinic.

And a first-rate clinic
it'll be, I promise you.

You better hurry now.
Your plane is leaving.

[ Tattoo ]
Tell me the truth, boss.
Yes?

Besides Count Rudolph,
were any of the others
real jet-setters?

It doesn't matter, Tattoo.
Remember, this is
Fantasy Island.

Well, I hope you enjoyed
your visit with us.

I'm, uh-- I'm not so sure.

I-- I came to do
a one-man escape...

that my father never did,
to satisfy my ego,

and then just when I
had it in my reach,
I let it get away from me.

Then perhaps, Mr. Udall,
that was the greatest
escape of all--

escape from the need
to compete with your father.

And for that, Mr. Roarke,
I'll be forever grateful.

- Looking for someone,
Mr. Udall?
- Uh, yes. Ipsy.

I thought maybe he'd be
on the same plane,
or at least come say good-bye.

Yes. Well, I'm sure he sends
his best wishes to you.

But, um, you must remember
it will take Ipsy longer...

to adjust to
the outside world again.

Well, good-bye and thank you.

Good-bye, Mr. Udall.
Have a pleasant trip.

Thank you.
Mrs. Udall.

Why did you lie to Mr. Udall
about Ipsy, boss?

I did not lie, Tattoo.

Merely preserved an illusion.

Would Mr. Udall
be half so pleased...

if he knew that Ipsy Dauphin is,
in reality, our master chef?

It'll be nice to have Ipsy
back in the kitchen again.

It will, indeed, Tattoo.
It will indeed.

[ Chuckles ]