Fantasy Island (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Hungry Christine/Mel Loves Ruby - full transcript

- ♪ Lookin' for attention ♪

♪ You know you got ♪

♪ All eyes on ♪

♪ All eyes on you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know you want... ♪

[chime]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Christine,
it's your favorite agent.

Miles has met with Martin

at the "Morning Show"
in New York.



It's not gonna happen.
I'm sorry.

I know how much you wanted this.

They just want younger, longer,

Meantime, Kira's going to
send you

the name of my new facialist.

She does wonders.

- [whispers] Damn it.

[sighs]

- Morning.
- Is everybody ready

to get some butts
out of some beds?

- You're too damn happy.

- Cheerful is a choice.
You should try it.

- Well, I like to save it
for the camera.

- Oh, don't be such
a Negative Nancy.



What am I smelling?

- It's cloudy with a chance
of sprinkles.

I got chocolate.
I got glazed. I got...

- There is a rule.

- Pink frosted for the lady?
- No food on set.

Unless it's part of a segment.

- And we're live in five.
- No bagels, no pizza,

no birthday cupcakes, no donuts.

- Relax.
He's just trying to be nice.

- Three. Two.

- [exhales]

[news theme]

Good morning, Phoenix.
I'm Christine Collins.

And I would love
to be bringing you

the breaking news right now,

but instead,
I am smelling donuts.

[laughs]

Our new 25-year-old weatherman
just wants to be liked.

So now I get to spend
the entire broadcast

thinking about donuts.

[laughing]
- Let's go to traffic.

- Aren't we all trying
not to eat donuts?

Aren't we juicing and cleansing
and cutting out dairy

and cutting out carbs?
It's hard enough

to get through the day
on protein powder and spinach.

I do not need to be tortured
by the aroma

of a chocolate eclair.

And yes, oh, I know,
he's trying to be nice.

But it's not nice.

You know what would be nice?
Sleeping in

or not shooting my face
full of medical-grade poison.

And you know what?

It would be great
to eat a donut.

But I'm supposed to be thin
and perky

and perpetually quaffed.

Forever young.
I give everything.

But it's not enough.
It's... it's... it's... ha.

It's never enough.

All I am asking is that
you do not make it harder,

because it is
hard enough already!

- Okay. Looks like somebody
needs a vacation, huh?

[chuckles]

We'll be right back with back
to school looks for less.

- [exhales]

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪

[speaking Spanish]

[engine rumbling]

Come on, let's get ready,
Mr. Jones.

- ["Bag Of Tricks"
by Ms. Triniti playing]

♪ Shook ha, na cheese,
den I ain't got time ♪

♪ Mekdipaper
hussle like mi ♪

♪ Boss gal hafi
live di boss life ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa,
oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ See me walkin'
hot hear dem talkin' ♪

♪ I'm the one
on di tip a dem tongue ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh
whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

- I'm Elena Roarke,

and this is my island.

Like my great uncle before me,
I make fantasies come true.

What is your deepest desire,
your most heartfelt need?

The Island knows
even if you don't.

My family have been
the guardians of this island

for generations.

Our mission... to transform
the life of every guest.

- ♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

- Smiles, everyone.

- ♪ Bag of tricks,
now watch me move ♪

- Captain.

- Roarke,
you've been avoiding me.

- Hmm. To avoid you,

I'd have to think of you,
which I haven't.

- I'd just like you to admit
that we had a moment.

- Oh, we had a moment.
- Mm-hmm.

- But it passed.
- Set myself up for that.

- The guests are waiting.

- [small laugh]

[light music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome. Welcome.

How are you? Hi.

Ruby and Mel Akuda, this is
Ms. Elena Roarke, your host.

- Good afternoon,
Mr. and Mrs. Akuda.

You must be so tired
from your trip, huh?

- Yeah,
we're pretty well tuckered.

Especially Ruby, she...

- Thrilled to be on this island.

- Yeah.

- And yes, we'd love
to freshen up.

- Of course. Yeah, Ash will
get you settled in your suite.

I'll meet you later. Enjoy.

- This is Christine Collins,
fresh from Phoenix, Arizona.

- Ms. Collins,
I'm your host Elena Roarke.

- Wonderful to meet you.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess.

- It's okay. We'll fix that.

- I'm... I'm... [deep voice]
I'm smelling donuts.

Aah!
[male voice] ♪ Donut, donut ♪

- Remixing my epic meltdown
has become a national pastime.

- Well, if it's any consolation,

this blue looks fabulous on you.

So tell me, what can the Island
do for you, hmm?

- My fantasy is to eat

and eat and eat and eat.

And when I leave here,

I need my body
to look exactly the same.

- I see.

- [sighs] That's not possible.
I knew it.

- No, no, no.
It's absolutely possible.

But this is Fantasy Island,

and I can make your most
outrageous wish come true.

And that's what you want,
a buffet?

My first job was at this tiny
little station in Amarillo.

I loved it so much.

I was so proud of my dream job.

One night, I went on a date.

I had a slice of pizza,
had two beers.

We split dessert.

Two days later, I got
my first letter from a viewer.

She was worried
because I had gained weight.

And she was sure that meant

that I was having
some kind of personal problems.

So I have been hungry
ever since.

- I was just wonder...

is it food that you're hungry
for or something deeper?

- I have a therapist. Thanks.

I came here for cheeseburgers.

- Let's get started. Ready?

[quiet music]

♪ ♪

- A chocolate truffle.

If I gain one ounce...
- Not one ounce.

You have my word.

- Mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

- Welcome to Fantasy Island.

[New Perspectives'
"Hit the Spot"]

- [gasping]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Can I make you mine ♪

♪ Can I take your time ♪

♪ 'Cause you feel all right ♪

♪ And you'll get me
hi-igh-igh ♪

- Oh ho ho.

♪ ♪

- ♪ So give me all you got ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know you hit the spot ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Give me all you got ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You know you hit the spot ♪

- Oh, I can't believe it.

- Having fun,
Mr. and Mrs. Akuda?

- Oh, just call us Mel and Ruby.

- And yes, we are.

I swear the sun
feels different here.

- Oh, the water is bluer.
The air is sweeter.

And yes, the grass
really is greener.

- I might not need a fantasy.
- Well, the Island disagrees.

You know, if you're here,

it's because
there's a reason for it.

So tell me, how did you
hear about Fantasy Island?

- Well, we still get
the newspaper,

the kind
that's actually on paper.

[laughter]

- We saw this little ad
with a phone number.

Something inside said call,
And here we are.

- It's an honor
to help people like you.

Mel, Ruby, what can
the Island do for you?

- Ruby has, uh, she has cancer,
pancreatic.

- I'm a goner.

- I'm so sorry.

- Our fantasy is to make her
feel healthy again

just for a few days.

She spent so much of her life
caring for others, for me,

our kids, our grandkids.

I want her to have a weekend
that's all about her.

- And what does
that weekend entail?

- Dancing, walking on
the beach, wonderful food.

- Now, Ruby, I need to be clear.

Even I can't cure your cancer.
I wish I could.

- I know that, sweetheart.

I'm looking for a fantasy,
not a miracle.

- Most people don't realize
there's a difference.

This map leads you to the place
where the fantasy will begin.

- Thank you for this.
It means the world to us.

- It's my pleasure.

And welcome to Fantasy Island.

- Look out now. Don't want you
to fall and break a hip.

- Worry about yourself, old man.

And move your butt.

I want to get to the good stuff.

- Speaking of butts,

yours still looks pretty damn
good to me.

- You're half blind.
But I'll take it.

[Mel laughs]

I'm comin'.

- That's real pretty.

Now what?

What the hell are you doing?

- I'm going in.

- Wait for me.

[water gushing]

[light music]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

- Look at you.
- Look at you!

- It really is a miracle.

[laughter]

- [giggling]

I almost can't believe
they're mine.

- Yeah.
Try looking in the mirror

and seeing all this hair.
- [laughs]

And not a bit of it
growing out of your ears.

[both laughing]

- Also, no reflux.
Bring on the tomato sauce.

[laughter]

- Youth really is wasted
on the young.

- Mmm.
- Ha.

- Man, when I look back on us,

when we were this age...

we didn't know a damn thing.
- Hmm.

Still don't half the time.
- Mmm.

- Yeah, let's... let's not think
at all right now, you know?

Let's just feel how we are in
these healthy and young bodies.

- Well, if we're just feelin',

might I suggest round four?

- Okay. Later.

Right now, I want to
go out for a run.

Test out my knees.
[giggles]

- You do your thing.

I saw there's
a beach party tonight.

Maybe we should go, you know,

mingle with the other
young people, get crazy.

- It's a date.
[giggles]

- Hey, sweet pea.

- Hmm.

- The gray hair

and the wrinkles makes you

all the more beautiful to me.

I just want you to know that.

- I do, Mel. I do.

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

[light, airy music]

♪ ♪

[footsteps]

[stirring music]

♪ ♪

- [inhaling]

Ahh...

♪ ♪

- It's a dragon roll
from that little sushi place

around the corner
from the TV station.

- The girls at work told me
about those.

I've never gotten to try one.
It's too many calories.

- Not today!

- Oh! Ooh!

Mmm, mmm. Mmm!

- Christine Collins,
this is your life in food.

Salud.

- Salud. Mmm.

- [giggles]

- Mmm...

[sighs]

- Butter popcorn, mmm,
delicious,

from that movie theater
where you were supposed to have

that blind date that
your hairdresser set you up on.

- Oh, he wanted to see
the late show.

But I got up at 2:45
in the morning.

I can't do late shows.
- I know. I know.

Well, he got married
and has two kids.

Can I ask you something?

Do other people
in your profession,

do they sacrifice
as much as you do?

- Um...

What's this?

- Let me see.

Oh, yeah, I believe
that is called fluffernutter.

Not my personal favorite.

But your mom made them for you
every single day after school.

- Why would I want that?
- I don't know.

This banquet was catered
for your taste, not mine.

Ooh, look at this!

How... huge.

The year was 1984 and everybody
was getting footloose.

- I don't want this cake.
- Christine,

I can't help you
if you don't let me.

- I don't need your help.

Get it away from me!

Oh... ah...

Aah!

- ♪ We gonna take it
through the top ♪

♪ There ya go... ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh! Ha ha ha.
[applause]

- Mom?
- There ya go.

- Oh!
- [chuckling]

[both chuckling, exclaiming]

Mm.
Come on over here, honey.

You're part of this too.

- Congratulations, Mom.
- Ohh...

We're family now, Crystal Joe.
Us and Landon.

- That's right.
I love your mother.

I'm gonna take care of her.
You too, kiddo.

- Yes, sir.
[both chuckling]

- Amy.
- Oh, I'll be right back.

- Mm-hmm.
Hey, don't eat too much

of that cake, you hear me?

No kid of mine's
gonna be a heifer.

[laughs]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Good morning, New York City.

I'm Crystal Joe Stevens coming
to you live from Times Square.

Don't change that dial.

Stick with me
for all the breaking news.

- My daughter,
the next Diane Sawyer.

- I don't know about that.

- I believe in you, Crystal Joe.

You're gonna get out of here.

I never did. But you will.

Promise me.

- I promise.

- What are you two
whispering about?

- Crystal Joe promised me
she's gonna get herself

on TV someday.
- That right?

Yeah, you got
a good voice for it.

- You think?
- Mm-hmm.

Of course, the, uh,

crooked
horse teeth are a problem.

And you got a few extra pounds.

- Landon, what a thing to say.

- [laughs]

I'll tell you what, kiddo.

I'll pay to get
your teeth fixed.

- You will?
- Mm-hmm.

You and me will make
it happen together. Deal?

- No. Say no.

- Deal.
- [chuckling] All right.

- Christine.

- Why did you bring me here?

- It's a taste of the
Madeleine soaked in tea.

Proust. A taste from youth can
unlock a lifetime of memories,

and not always good ones.

- I let go of that girl
and that life decades ago.

As far as I'm concerned,

Crystal Joe Stevens
never existed.

- Crystal Joe Stevens had a mom

who loved her so much
and believed in her.

- I came to Fantasy Island
to stuff my face,

and I'm really, really hungry,

so can you please just get me
back to the damn buffet?!

- Yes. Of course.

- [huffs]

[percussive music]

♪ ♪

- 8.5. Can I... join you?

- Sure, but gotta warn you,

I'm feeling good.

- Okay.

- [giggling]

♪ ♪

[both panting and laughing]

I'm Ruby.

- Yo soy Isla.

- Okay.

- I think maybe
I'm lucky I met you.

- Oh, uh, I should...
I should go.

Yeah.
But it was...

nice to meet you.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- Crystal Joe.

[chuckling]

- Landon?

- I missed you, kiddo.

- How did he get here?
- Good question.

Now a better question is
why is he here?

- Uh, to mess with me,
to ruin my life.

Do you know when you get a song
stuck in your head,

a song you can't stand

but it's just stuck
in your head for weeks?

Landon was in my head for years.

When my mom died,
I was stuck with him.

But I got away.

I remade my whole life.

- Did you get away, Crystal Joe?

- Don't call me that.
- Or did you just start

listening to the meanness
in other voices?

Because yes, yes, you left.

But did you escape?
Hmm?

No, no. Mm-mm.

That is manchineel fruit.
It's poison fruit.

- You keep poison fruit
on your desk?

- It's a good reminder, I think,

that things are not
always as they seem.

You certainly aren't.

You know what,

I'm gonna have the servers
bring a meal to your room.

Do you have
any special requests?

- Yes. No. Oh, God.

I've been craving something,

but I just... I cannot
put my finger on what.

- Okay, I'll have the kitchen
send a selection.

[percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Check it out.
Let's go do some drugs.

- [chuckles]

Mel Akuda, we've never
done drugs in our life.

And this isn't drugs.
It's goo.

- It's Island Magic.
It opens up new ways of seeing.

It's quite safe. I assure you.

- Well, Ms. Roarke,
we are having the best time.

- Oh, I'm so glad to hear it.
And it's Elena, by the way.

- Aw.
- Enjoy the Island Magic.

The night is young.
- [giggles]

- Mmm?
- You are a terrible influence.

- Well, we won't tell the kids.
- Mmm.

- You're late, Captain.
- I know. I know.

Late for a very important date.

To talk about the departure
schedule. Sorry.

- I broke out the good stuff.
- I see that.

Want to talk about it?

- No.
- Okay.

[music continues in distance]

- [sighs] Okay.

It's one of the guests,
Ruby Akuda.

You know, I... I can usually
maintain an emotional distance

from the guests.

If I didn't,
I'd get lost in their needs,

and then I wouldn't be able
to do my job.

But with this lady, with Ruby...

mm...

it's different.

- 'Cause she's dying.

- I'm sad for her.

And I'm sad for me too, and...

doesn't usually happen.

- You know what I think?

I think Mrs. Ruby Akuda
found a ladder

and climbed over
that wall around your heart.

- It's not a wall. Mm-mm.

It's a moat.

[both chuckle]

- Anything I can do to help?

- You can pour me another.

- I can do that.

[stirring music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ You ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

- I can see your breath.
You smell like perfume.

- ♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ I'd be lost
without you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you
ooh ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Oh you... ♪

- Which one do you like?

♪ ♪

- ♪ You ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Oh you ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

- Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- Got enough for me?

- Take it.

But if it's money you want,
I'm not giving you any.

- Hey.
Who paid to fix those teeth?

- [huffs]
- Me.

Who got you off the sweets,

taught you what a salad is, huh?

Yeah, I whipped you into shape.

And now the bill is coming due,
Christine Collins,

with your big life
and your fancy friends.

- You don't know anything
about my life.

- I know you're ashamed
of who you really are.

Trailer park hick
with a trailer park hick mom.

- Don't you talk about her!

- You're gonna take care
of me, Crystal Joe.

- No!
- Or I'll make sure

everybody knows you're nothing.
- Shut up.

- Then again, maybe your life's
as empty as you are.

Just a pretty little
made-for-TV package,

but unwrap it,
and nothing there.

- I am a successful, powerful,
happy woman!

- No! You just play one on TV.

[Landon groans]

- Aah!

- Stop pretending.

After 50 years, I know how you
breathe when you're asleep.

[both chuckling]

Well, now we know why
we didn't do drugs

last time we were this age.

Mmm. What was I thinking?

- Mmm.

Hey, come here, baby.
Come here for sec.

Come closer. Come on now.

- I'm comin'.

- When we met,

you had a... a friend, a...
[small laugh]

a close friend.

- Meredith?
- Yeah.

Yeah, and then one day,
seemed like she just...

disappeared.

- Yeah, well, we, uh,
we grew apart, so...

- [chuckling] Stop pretending.

After 50 years, I know when

you're not telling me the truth.

You loved her.
- Mel.

- Ruby...

All this time, and I feel like

I'm just understanding
who you are and...

I feel like a fool.

- You are not a fool.

50 years ago, I made a choice.

I chose you and the life
that we would build together.

I wouldn't trade that
for the world.

- Yeah, but you don't...

You don't love me
the way that I love you.

- But I do love you, Mel.

You...

You're the finest person
I've ever known.

And you filled my life
with so much joy.

And I will keep loving you
until my last breath.

Do you hear me?

[percussive music]

- [panting]

- You made it just in time
for your parting feast.

- I did something awful.
- I think we finally know

what will satisfy your hunger.

This should hit the spot.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Landon?

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- It's kind of early for a swim.

- I keep telling myself
to swim out and keep going.

But, you know,
I... I can't make myself do it.

Truth is I...

I was never planning
on coming back from this trip.

I said my goodbyes, 'cause
after this, it's just pain.

And more pain and, uh...

Hmm.

Do you have a family?

- I have a big family.
- Oh.

- Yes.
But I... I haven't seen them

in a really long time.

- Well, I bet this job
doesn't stop

for birthdays
or holidays, does it?

- Not exactly.
- And I bet that's hard.

- It can be.

The Island chose me
for this role.

- You didn't want it?
- I tried to say no.

I was young. I was in love.
I...[sighs]

I'm sorry, 'cause I don't
usually

talk about myself at all.

- Must be the company.

- No, no, actually,
I don't think so.

No complaints. I have
the best job in the world.

And I live in paradise.

- Oh, you sure do.

I'd love to stay
a little longer, in fact.

But I... I got some dying to do.

- Ruby...
- No, no, no, no.

It's all right, really.
You know, I've had a good run.

You know, if I were brave,
I'd spare Mel what's coming.

[sighs] You know, I just...
I've never been brave.

Strong, yes. But not brave.

- Well, there are many ways
to be brave

and many opportunities
for bravery.

That just...
isn't the right one for you.

Come on.

I'll walk you back, all right?

- All right.

- Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm!

[phone rings]

Hello?
- Good morning.

Would you like breakfast
in your room this morning?

- Breakfast. No, thank you.
I'm...

I'm not hungry.

- Oh, great. You're here.

Thank you so much
for meeting me.

- Oh, okay.
- You know, the work that I do

as a steward of this island
is... is an honor.

I help people.

I transform their lives
always for the better.

You know, in the past,
people in my position,

they have had a second,
a right hand.

Ruby, I would like to invite you

to stay on Fantasy Island.

- You... you'd like to what?

- And you will remain
just as you are, healthy,

strong, young, beautiful.

Your tattoo.
What made you choose it?

- I... I don't know.
I was drawn to it.

- You know, it's an island
symbol of rebirth.

It's reserved only to those
who hold the position

that I'm offering you.

I truly believe the Island
was speaking to you and to me.

- [laughs]

Well, why would the Island
speak to me?

- You know, this island
is endlessly mysterious.

But also, it's usually right.

- Well, what do you think?
Could we?

- I, uh... I think
it's a one-person offer, honey.

- Well, then no.
- Ruby, on Fantasy Island,

you know, honor
is balanced by... by sacrifice.

- No, no. Absolutely not.

How could you even ask me this?
What is wrong with you?

- Yes. Yes, she'll stay.

- No, you do not speak for me,
Mel Akuda.

- Now don't be crazy.

- No, I'm not gonna
talk about this.

- Hey, we can tell the kids
that... that you didn't make it,

that the trip was too much.

- No! What?!
- Ruby, look at me.

We both know that
you're gonna leave me soon.

- Not like this I'm...
- Hey, hey, hey.

You lived your whole life
for me, for our family.

It's your turn now.

Now, Ms. Roarke, she's... she's
offering you the opportunity

at a whole new life
for yourself.

And you can be yourself,
your whole self.

I couldn't live with myself
if I let you pass that up.

- Ruby...

I'm offering you
an opportunity to be brave.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[car door opens]

- Good morning.
- [laughs]

I had the strangest
weekend of my life.

Thank you.
- You're so welcome.

- I feel liberated
and a little confused.

Last night...

- At the pig roast?
- The pig roast.

I woke up and I thought... um,
it's hard to explain.

- Christine, I want to tell you,

after you came to my office,
I looked into your stepfather.

His death certificate says
that Landon Green died in 2012.

- But he was here.
- His cruelty certainly was.

And you've been holding onto
that since you were a child.

- I think I finally let it go.

You could even say
I devoured it.

The cruelest thing he ever did
was to make me forget

how much my mom loved me.
But I remember that now.

- So what are you going to
do now with this new freedom?

- First of all,
I'm gonna invite the girls

from work to dragon rolls!
[laughter]

And then, gosh, I've just spent
so many years of my life

trying to please other people,

I think I'm gonna work on
being happy, for real.

Not just on TV.

- Safe travels, Christine.

- No. No, no.
This... this... this isn't right.

You're not supposed
to leave me, okay?

- You're gonna have
another wonderful life.

Promise me.

I'm the luckiest man
in the world.

Okay.

- Wait, wait!

- [mouthing words]

[quiet music]

♪ ♪

[engine rumbling]

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪

- So what happens now?

- The unexpected.