Family Tree (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Treading the Boards - full transcript

There's been a death
in the family.

The good news is she's left us all
a little something.

- That's great!
- Yeah.

- Exciting.
- Um...

I mean, sad that she's
dead, but that's great.

- Well, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this is all yours.

General Harry Chadwick.

I've always had kind of
a military air about me.


I see the family resemblance.

Your great-grandfather
Harry Chadwick took the photograph.

There he is...

- your great-grandfather.
- It's a Chinese man.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD

Look at the state of you lot.

Like a bed of limp geraniums.

No wonder we've been
getting complaints

from the public at large.

Do you want us
to arrest 'em, Sergeant?

- What?
- The public?

If they're still at large.

WPC Bullivant,

how many times have I told
you to do up all your buttons?

But I can't, Sergeant.

You said you wanted us to make
a big bust this week, Sarge.

Nice to see
you've got plenty of lead

in your pencil, PC Dawson.

You should see
the size of my rubber.

Watch this.

It's the Breen burn.

No one did a slow burn
like Richard Breen.

- That's probably true.
- It was fabulous.

Oh, you know which one
you'd really like?

You know what, Dad,
just before you play another one...

- No, it's called "The Stakeout."
- I just want to show you...

- "Stakeout"'s my favorite. You know that.
- Yeah, yeah.

Can I show you something first?

Remember I was telling you

that I had that photo
that I thought was Harry?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Turns out it wasn't Harry.

But I did manage to procure
a photograph of Harry.

This is gonna be
a little bit of a shock.

This is your grandfather.

That's a Chinaman.

- A Chinese person, yes.
- That's what I said.

- Ah-so.
- Don't do that.

You want firework?

- Five pound!
- Oh...

This explains my aptitude
with laundry, doesn't it?

- Yeah.
- No, this doesn't make sense.

Look, my father was no Chinaman.

Yeah, have a look.


Do you think there's any chance

that the Chinese gene
can skip a generation?

You know, like baldness
or blue eyes?

Well, blue eyes...

I mean, that's one thing.

- But Chinesity?
- Ah!


Strange, Tom's obsession
with family all of a sudden.

Hmm. It's probably
just a passing phase.

I mean, since Sarah dumped him,

he's had a lot of time
on his hands.

One hand in particular.

But, you know, genealogy
is like any other -ology...

best left to the scientists.

- No. No, no.
- No.

You don't always see
your ancestors' characteristics

showing up in the present, in you.

My great-grandfather was German,

but you don't see me
annexing countries.

I'm six-foot-four.

These... it just doesn't
seem to make sense.


"To the best..."

"To the best..." what?

I think it says,
"To the best Nancy Doo in Love."

That's a bit funny.

I think it's a homosexual thing.

But I don't... it might
be code. Gay code.

"To the best..."

Nancy Doo.

It's not...
no, that's Nanki-Poo.

Nanki-Poo is a character
in "The Mikado."

So this isn't a Chinese person.

It's a Japanese person.

Well, it's not a Japanese person.

It's an English person
playing a Japanese person.

He's an actor.

- You know "The Mikado"?
- I don't.

- It's by Gilbert and Sullivan.
- A musical or something?

Well, it's kind of an operettary
thing, I think they call them.

It's Nanki-Poo.

He's just a tea bag.

And he's in love with Yum-Yum.

Yum-Yum is with somebody else...
Ko-Ko, I think.

- Are you drunk right now?
- Oh, it's absolutely bonkers. Yeah, I couldn't follow it.

It's like a foreign "Teletubbies."

My fingers smell
of chicken tikka masala.

Begone, random old man.

Step forward,
the real Harry Chadwick.

Who later actually gave up
photography and became an actor,

which is interesting to me.

Ta-da! What do you reckon of that?

- What you done there, Pete?
- Good?

I've moved your old tat
out of the way

and put your lager bottles.

Also, I've got...
you'll note,

I've got the tall ones at the end

and then the small one
is in the middle.

Thank God.
I couldn't...

it was really...
it was racking my head, that.

Well, it's better
than that old stuff.

- You know Nigel, who I work with at the zoo?
- Yeah.

Believe it or not,
he's got 150 of these

and they go right around
the top of his picture frame,

and they're all different
and they're all dirty names.

- So he's got, like, Hair of the Pussy lager.
- Nice.

Old Bummer's Dirty Gold.

- That's good.
- Bishop's Finger Brown.

- Mmm.
- Tim's Brown Trout.

There's a lot of brown ones.

Randy Goat, Fanny's Old Spot,

Old Gobbler's Bumhole.

This is Nigel who's
the manager of the zoo?

No, harelip Nigel.

That makes more sense.

That guy is living the dream.

Well, not...
apart from the harelip.

Is he a married man?

- He's not married.
- That's a shocker.

- Doesn't want to be.
- No.

Eh, oh, ah, right.
Talking of marriage...

Not marriage.
Don't worry.

I'm setting a lucky
boy up on another date.

- Fuck, no.
- Fuck, yes.

- Don't do it.
- I can do it. I've done it.

- She's called Tracey.
- Oh.

And she is fit...
as flip.

Wait a second.
Wait, wa... hold on one...

Harry died in Hove.
Did you know that?

I didn't know that.

No. I've been busy
doing something productive.

"To the best Nanki-Poo in Hove."

In Hove.

- He died in Hove!
- He died in Hove.

Not "in love."

That's... okay.

- We're going to Hove.
- Hove!

Lads' road trip.
Boys up north on tour.

Yeah, I'll drive.

- The ticket inspector's come along.
- Yeah.

So we had to go
and stay in the toilet

all the way from Margate
to Paddington.

And we had only been eating

fried potato sandwiches all week.

So the smell was... ow!

Well, this is it.

This is the house
that my great-granddad lived in.

- Isn't that weird?
- Cool.

Probably tied up his horse here.

- His whores?
- His... don't ruin it.

He would have opened this gate.

He would have walked
up these steps.

Excuse me.
Can I help you?

Oh, yeah. Um...

my great-grandfather Harry Chadwick

used to live in this
house years ago,

so I was checking it out.

There are no Chadwicks here now.



I think I remember my mother
talking about the Chadwicks.

She's lived here
since she was a child.

Oh, do you think
it would be possible

for me to ask her
a couple of questions?

Yes, of course. I'll see if
I can get her to come to.

- Oh, great.
- Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?

How lovely.
Thank you.

- Do you like Jaffa Cakes?
- Do I? I do, yeah.

Oh, have you got Garibaldis?

- Jaffa Cakes would be great.
- I pref... I like Jaffa Cakes.

So, Mom, this is Tom.

And he's got one or two questions

about his great-grandfather
Harry Chadwick.

Do you remember?

The Chadwicks that
used to live next door?

I think he was
some kind of a performer.

I think he was an actor maybe.

I... yes.

He was.

And did you ever see him
in the theater?

Oh, yes, yes.

When I was a little girl,

they took me to the...


Regent's Theatre

to see him in a play.


Oh, what was it?

"The Duchess of Malfi."


No, no. No.



What was it?


- What...
- Sorry?

What is that thing around her neck?

I invented that.
I'm rather proud of it.

So when she breathes...
so I can see she's still breathing.

I saw him in a play
with David Garrick.

Ooh. Um, Mom, I don't think

it could have been David Garrick,

because David Garrick,
I think, was work...

he was working in the 1700s,

so I don't think it could
have been David Garrick.

Sometimes she's
as bright as a tack,

others she's completely doolally.

Yeah, he's the same.

I remember.

It was Sir Donald Wolfit...

- Ah.
- ... not Garrick.

I look upon
the theater as like a temple

or a mosque or a church.

- The chairs are a bit like pews and...
- Right.

...the stage is a bit
like an altar.

- I'm not religious myself.
- Yeah.

But, you know,
I've been coming for years,

and it's very much
like we come to worship.

And do you know what
these seats have seen?

- Mmm.
- Hmm?

Let alone the star dressing rooms.

- This is something else.
- It's beautiful.

"I have always relied
on the kindness of strangers."

- Tennessee Williams.
- Yeah. I love that film.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Marlon Brando.
- Yeah, he's great, isn't he?

Yes. Yes, he's...

Have you seen "Superman"?

- Um...
- He played the dad in "Superman."

No. I just remember his
ripped T-shirt in... in...

in "Streetcar"...

So weird that Harry stood here.

- Isn't it?
- Yes!

And now I'm standing here.

You're standing...
he stood here.

I just get goose bumps.

Yes, it's very moving, I think.

I was told that he performed
here with Donald Wolfit.

No, no.

He did perform here
with Laurence Olivier.

- No.
- Yes. Sir Laurence.

- Oh, my God.
- No, I know.

And earlier today we were
going through the records

and we actually found a program.

There you go.

He acted opposite Laurence Olivier?

- Yes, he did.
- That's crazy.

It's amazing.

- Laurence Olivier.
- Yes, there he is.

Sir Laurence, aw.

- Harry Chadwick!
- Harry Chadwick.

"Greek Soldiers."

Yes, but on the same stage
as Laurence Olivier,

so that's... you know,
that's wonderful.

And you know what, it was probably
just the start of his career.

Uh, no.

No, I think it was sort of towards
the end, the peak of his career.

But that's because, actually,
Harry was mainly known

for his light entertainment work,

his comedic work, you see.

- Ah, I see. He was more of a...
- Yes.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.


Oh, my God!
What... what are you doing?

- I'm...
- Just don't touch anything!

- Leave it! Leave it!
- It's come off.

It's very dangerous here.
Just back away.

- No, no, please.
- That's not even attached on that side.

I'm sorry. This theater is something of a labyrinth.

Ah, here we are.

- Oh, wow.
- Guess.



- There?
- No.

- The guy in the hat?
- No.

Here he is.

And, more specifically, here he is.

He was the back end
of a pantomime horse.

- Shut up.
- Yes.

And in theatrical parlance,
that's known as the tail end.

- Right.
- And his partner, Sid Balducci,

was the front end, the gob-ender.

- The gob-ender.
- Yes, and they were together for about 20 years.

- He did this for 20 years?
- 20 years.

- Wow.
- And they were very, very, very well respected.

Yeah, I'm getting a lot
of respect from the photo.

This is a production of "Hamlet"?

I... I don't think so.

I don't think so either.
I was really joking.

No, but I know someone
who does know.

- Yeah.
- Mitch!


Shut up. Don't.

We need your help.

This is Pete
and this is Tom Chadwick,

great-grandson of Harry Chadwick.

It's an honor to meet you.

Oh, thank you.

- Hello, Pete.
- Hello. I'm Pete.

Oh, isn't Harry on this?

Do you know, he is.

This is our centenary DVD.
We're very proud of it.

- Harry made the best-of?
- Yes.

- Oh.
- Harry is indeed on there.

As you can see, there are
some other acts to go through.

This is a dog act.

Nobody liked to follow animal acts.

- Oh, the mess.
- Impossible to lift the audience afterwards.


like "EastEnders."

Yeah, I think they got it.
I think they got it.

Ah, now this is little Tich

who was famous
for dancing on stilts.

- Up he goes.
- Wow.

Seems to be pretty much all he did.

Ah, yes, and the famous
regurgitator, Hadji Ali.

You'd have thought
"regurgitator" would put

the audience off,
but they seemed to...

- Ho!
- ... enjoy it.

- Look at that.
- I can do that.

My favorite act of all...

the women throwing
the handkerchief.

- Aw.
- You know, a friend of mine told me they rehearsed

for eight years
to get this act right.

She just dropped it.

I think you can see
the result, yes.

She might have
needed nine years.

And that's what...
the three of them...

- Yeah.
- They throw the hand... and then...


Ah, now,
this is Wilson and Keppel

without Betty with whom
they often appeared.

As you see, they were very close.

We could do that.

And now
the pièce de résistance.

- Hey!
- Yes.

Chadwick and Balducci.

Note the billing order, please.

- Oh.
- Alphabetical.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, B before C except...
no, B before C.

- You got it, didn't you?
- Got it.

And this, as you see,
is their signature curtain call

where they came downstage
with Harry waving

the horse's tail at the audience.

He's walking backwards.

And waving his tail.

- Oh.
- Yeah. Very fetching.


Would you say that
out of all the rear-enders

he would have been
one of the better ones?

Do you know, I think
I can say he was the best.

- Ooh.
- Aw.


Why don't
we show them the costume?

- Why not?
- We've got such a treat for you.

- Why don't you follow us? Come on.
- Follow us.

It's just like
an Aladdin's cave for me.

All this stuff.

Haven't worn this for years.


Here it is.

- Oh, my God.
- Ooh!

And every year they used to enter

the annual Pantomime Horse Race.

Really quite historic.

- It's been run for nearly a hundred years.
- Wow.

And they won nine years in a row.

So, were they as close
offstage as they were on?


Actually, they did have
a terrible falling out.

It had been brewing for some time.

And the word is that
on this particular day,

Sid ate a very strong curry
before the show.

You see,
and Harry being the legs

and then Sid was
the front and he was...

He would have gotten it
right in the... yeah.

- Not pleasant.
- Personal hygiene wasn't good then.

- Got it.
- I don't think they worked together again after that.

- He farted.
- Yeah, I know. We got that, Pete.

- Yes, thank you.
- The one in the front to the one in the back.

Yes, we worked it out.

I guess that's a real faux
pas in the horse world.

Well, yes.
It's a sort of strike against you.

Is this something
that I could buy off you?

Well, we don't normally
sell costumes, but...

I think under the circumstances,

as it's a rich piece
of your family history,

- in exchange perhaps for a donation to the theater?
- Yeah.

Thanks so much for these.

Oh, no, it's been lovely.

- It's quite exciting for us.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Thanks again.
- Thank you.

This is a bit difficult
and strictly entre nous,

but apparently the real
reason Harry and Sid fell out

was because Elsie, Harry's wife,

had an affair with Sid.

- No.
- Yes.

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

And apparently, after Harry died,

Sid and Elsie got married
and then left the area.

I know.

That's so sad.

- But I thought you should know.
- Yeah.

Yes. Mmm.

- Poor Harry.
- Poor Harry, yes.

- Well, thanks for letting me know.
- No, no, no.

- It's actually really...
- It's a pleasure, you know.

Travel safe and, you know,
pop in if you're in the environs.

There's tea all the time,
caramel slices, everything.

- Exciting for us. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.


- Chip in!
- Go on, there!

I mean, the news about Harry

really just hit me
for four, you know.

It's weird.

I kind of felt very connected
to him in that moment.

And I've decided, as a legacy,

as a tribute to Harry,

that we are going to run
the Costume Horse Derby.

And we're going
to take it seriously.

You know, we want to win,

because we are stepping...
running in the footstep...

the hoof steps of a legend.

I can't hear anything

and I have very limited vision.

Let's do this thing!

It's me.

- Did they kn...
- Yeah.

They look a bit vulnerable
out there, don't they?

Doing something
so outlandish in public?

Hello? Hello?

Yeah, but this is less conspicuous.

Don't stop too suddenly, Pete.

- I'll go right up you.
- I won't.

Three, two, one.

- Run.
- Ow!

They haven't quite got
the movement of the horse down.

- Are they gonna go crawl?
- I'm not sure.

- Right!
- Left!

- Right.
- Why are you saying...?

I just find it interesting

that my grandfather was...
my great-grandfather...

- Harry.
- Harry was in the theater.

- Is it giving you ideas?
- Monkey's been telling me

we should start to tread
the boards ourselves.

Well, I think
I've got it in my blood.

- Well, it's my blood.
- My blood.

- My blood.
- She's so weird.

But I think...
I'm not sure if I'm ready

to share him with the world.

- She wants to keep me locked up to herself.
- Well...

- Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on.

Hey, look!
It's Tony Evans!

Eeyore! Eeyore!

Give him the ball.

- Let him have a shot.
- Ow!

- Oh!
- What the fuck was that?

It's funny, because this weekend

I'm going... I'm going
trekking with some friends.

- Oh.
- We go to the countryside,

'cause I've got this thing
where I really like bones.

And so do my friends.

We go to the countryside
at the weekend

and we find little patches
and we dig them up.

It's different, isn't it?
It's different.

Some girls are into shoes.

- Yeah.
- Or... "I really like scarves," isn't it?

And I just... I'm just
really into bones.

- That's interesting.
- Yeah.

Once you say you like bones,

you will see them everywhere.

- I hadn't thought about that.
- Yeah. Roadkill.

There's roadkill. For sure they've
got bones in those, don't they?

Yeah, plenty,
and that's just like free bones.

It's like they're just on the side.

- Do you buy bones?
- Well, not directly,

but sometimes you get them
as a by-product.

Like, if I were
to offer you a bucket,

what would you take out of it?

- What bit of meat?
- Breast.

- It's the breast, isn't it?
- Yeah, it's the tastiest.

Straight to the breast.
Straight, always.

- Right in there.
- You're wrong, though.

You go for the leg,
you get the free bone.

Free bone.

- So it's...
- Sometimes you get a bone with the breast.

- No, because...
- It's not as...

- It's not. If you've got...
- Not in a pure breast.

No, that's why you have
to go for the legs.

- Yeah, the legs are good.
- Yeah.

They're quite sexy.

Oh, I hadn't thought
of them in a sexual way.

I feel a bit funny

- saying this on a first date.
- Yeah.

I always think no one
really talks about

how quite sort of sensual
a bone... to look at.

- Mm-hmm.
- The curves of it

are really quite lovely.

Like a vertebrae, for example.

- It's a great bone.
- It's a great bone.

- Yeah.
- No, but it really is.

- Mm-hmm.
- One of my favorites, I'd say.

What's... what would be
your favorite bone?


Uh, femur?
Like, a femur bone?

- That's a good one.
- That's a bone, isn't it?

- Yeah, that's a really good one.
- Yeah.

- I like a clavicle as well.
- Yeah?

Mmm. I've got quite
pronounced clavicles.

- You can see. If I do that...
- Yeah.

If I do that, you can really...

you really notice how the clavicles

- are quite...
- They're massive, aren't they?

- ... pronounced, aren't they?
- Yeah, they are. Yeah.

- You can see, can't you?
- Yeah, they're right...

You could probably... like,
you could put... you could put...

- What are you...?
- If you could...

- Yeah?
- Go on, put some. Put... go on, have it.

- Put salt in there?
- Yeah, see.

- Just put...
- All right.


- There we go. There we go.
- Yeah, you see?

It's in there, yeah?

I just put salt in your clavicle.

Just kind of tumbling out there.


Fuckin' salt all over you.

- Still in there as well.
- Yeah.

I'll just keep it.
Put some on my dinner.

Have I gone too far with the...?

You seem a bit upset.

It's... it's fascinating.

It's fascinating, but it's...

- Overwhelming.
- It's fucking so much bone.

Like, it's more bone than...

I don't know if I was ready for it.

Out in the real world
just talking about bones

and pouring salt on each other.

I don't know if I'm able...

I just don't know
if I'm able for it.

I don't just talk about bones.

That's all you've
talked about tonight.

I can talk about
other things like stones.

Well, there you go.

This year's first-time contender,

Harry's End, owned by Tom Chadwick,

is currently at eight to one.

Last year's runner-up,
Panda Expression,

is at four to one.

And Jim the Giraffe,
today's joint favorite,

is now at five to three.

The Pantomime Horse
Race has been going

nearly a hundred years.

The first time
it was held was 1919,

just after the Great War.

This was an amazing way
of cheering everyone up

with a wonderful event of happiness

and sporting activity.

During the Second World War,
there was a scarcity of horses

and we had to open the doors
to other animals...

cows, the odd pig.

I drew the line
a couple of years ago

when a camel wanted to run.

I thought,
"That's a little bit unfair.

The chap behind got to stand up,
head in the hump."

And I thought, "No,
that's an advantage too far."

- I'm feeling pretty confident.
- I'm feeling strong.

There's a lot
of good crews out there.

- There's no doubt about that.
- Yeah.

I can see a little bit
through the mouth.

And we did the circuit.

And there's a couple of crews
that are looking strong.

Although there's a guy
just in a giraffe...

- Jim the Giraffe.
- He's just...

- That's just one guy.
- He's just one guy. He's got two legs.

We haven't costume raced before,
but you don't need to be an expert

- to see the difference between two and four.
- There's a difference.

The going here today is soft to firm.

Jim the Giraffe looks like
he could win by a neck.

Uncle Ned is primed to go.

Daisy Cow looks like
an udder good contender.

- And Harry's End seems eager to get under way.
- I'm really excited, Keith.

- Remember that when they cross...
- All right, Tom!

- the finish line, the front and the back end...
- Get the gold!

- Showtime!
- ...of the horses must be attached.

They're all in line now and...

- Go, Tom!
- Away they go!

Panda Expression is showing
a good early pace

in the middle of the pack,

but Jim the Giraffe
is taking the lead

with Kedgeree Breakfast
and Uncle Ned bringing up the rear.

- Ooh! Aw, and Harry's End has fallen badly.
- Foul! Get up!

It's Jim the Giraffe
followed by Panda Expression

- as Harry's End tries in vain to catch up.
- Good recovery.

All right.
Bloody hell.

This fucking cramp.

- This cramp just hit...
- I told you...

- Yeah, I know.
- ... that giraffe would win.

Two legs.
A biped versus "fourpeds."

How is that fair?

And that panda.
It was miles away.

- I couldn't see him.
- Tiny...

- He was like a dot.
- I couldn't see him. I couldn't see anything.

He was only 55 when he died.


He died so young
with a broken heart

and lungs full of
the flatulence of his betrayer.

It wasn't your fault, Harry.

You and me.

What a pair of cuckolds.

This is his...
his mom and dad,

Charles and Rebecca Chadwick.

Died in the '20s.

Weirdly, there's no...

there's no date of birth
on the tombstones.

I wonder what we'll
find out about them.

The way things are going,
we'll find out

that Rebecca was probably
a stripper.

Rest well, Harry,

with your tail held high.

♪ When I found you,
I found myself ♪

♪ I was gonna love you
like nobody else ♪

♪ But I never really
had a clue ♪

♪ How to love a girl
like you ♪

♪ Two true believers,
we devised ♪

♪ A temporary
paradise ♪

♪ Now our future
is in the past ♪

♪ I should have known
it wouldn't last ♪

♪ I should have been
a better man ♪

♪ You could have been
a better friend ♪

♪ I'm alone,
but that's okay ♪

♪ I guess the dice
just rolled that way. ♪

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD