Family Tree (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Box - full transcript

Does it
seem normal to you

that we're going
to lunch with Dad?

Yeah, I know.
And it's a bit weird.

I haven't seen him
in a few months.

Mmm, I mean, for no reason,

just to go around there
for lunch?

Yeah.

I hope there is
no reason, but...

I'm sure he's fine.

- He eats a lot of sausages.
- Yeah.

Do you think that we'll get
there and he's just gonna say,



"I murdered her,
she's in the bath"?

"She's in the bath just
stewing in her own cabbage."

Oh, God.

I've eaten before I came.

- Good call.
- Yeah.

So, um--
so, are you, uh--

I don't know.
You're fine?

- Yes, I'm fine.
- Are you going out with anyone?

- No, I'm not going out with anyone.
- Why not?

Because I don't want to.

It's been about six months.

Yep.
I know.

A woman would just get in
the way of my wallowing.

- Right.
- Which I've really grown quite attached to.



Okay. Have you got
a lot more to do of that?

I've got, like, another six
months of wallowing in me.

Okay.

Would you mind
checking on Monk for me?

- Because that seat is new to me...
- Yeah.

and I don't know
if I've done it up right.

- I'm sure it's fine.
- Well, he might not be.

Would you mind
just having a look?

Would you mind, actually, with
your own hands to check the strap?

- Check the strap on the thing?
- Thank you. Yes.

- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah.

Actually, it was
a little loose.

- Was it loose?
- Mm-hmm. It's fine now.

- Come on, Monk.
- Are you crazy? No.

What the...?

- There's 15 verses of this.
- Yeah.

Buna ziua,
Tom, Bea, and Monkey!

Please, please, you come.

- Okeydoke.
- Thanks, Luba.

Vikram, do I look fat in this sari?

No, Chitra, you are fat
in that sari.

Hey, Dad.

- Hello, Tommy. How are you?
- Good.

- Sit, sit, sit. Hello, sweetheart.
- Hello, Dad.

Have a seat, have a seat.
Remember this one?

You look like an elephant
just dropped

a steamy heapy on the carpet.

I am very much worried

about this new sahib chappy
who has moved in next door.

They don't make 'em
like this anymore.

He may not even be
any caste at all.

Of course he isn't.

He's from Seven Oaks.

There goes the neighborhood.

Keith, Tom, Bea,

dirty monkey puppet, it's time.

Is food.

Very nice, love.

My own personal
Nigella Lawson here.

So you didn't have any trouble
getting here or anything?

No. It was good.
Pretty quiet.

Although there was a bit
of a march in Walthamstow.

- Yeah.
- Psychos with--

Hmm?
- with placards.

It was quite
dangerous-looking.

It was just a little
diversion we had to make.

- What kind of a march?
- Pedophiles.

- Really? They let them march?
- Anti-- anti-pedophiles.

- Anti-pedophiles.
- Oh, right, yeah.

So, my parents got divorced
when I was nine,

which was an adventure.

My mom went back to Ireland,

which is where she's from,

and I went with her

because I love to travel.

And Bea stayed here with Dad.

I don't know why that
decision was made or...

But I'm happy with the way
things worked out.

I stayed there
for around nine years,

and then I came back
to London and I got a job

at the Central London Accident
Investigation Management.

C-L-A-I-M.

Spells CLAIM.

Like in an accident.

My job was to assess
each specific accident

and to attribute responsibility

to one of the parties,
which was pretty sexy.

So I got made redundant
from that.

How's the job quest going?

Oh, good. Yeah.

I had an interview
the other day

for something
kind of in my area.

Risk assessment, but for a
new bouncy castle company.

- What's that?
- Like bouncy castles, like the one kids jump on.

- At the parties-- kids jump up and down on them.
- Oh, yeah, I've seen them.

- They look dangerous.
- Very fun. Bouncy castle.

- Ooh, I like that.
- Luba knows it.

- Like bed.
- Okay.

- It's inflatable.
- Yeah.

- Like your wife.
- Monkey.

I did serve Her Majesty.
Served her well.

20 years in the army
and then--

ho, ho, some wonderful years
as a Yeoman Warder.

But I wound up
taking early retirement

to pursue my other dream.

I wanted to invent something
that would change the world,

make life better for people.

This is one I'm working on now.

I haven't quite got the bugs
worked out of it yet.

You know when your feet
are hot?

You don't want to put on
a hot shoe, do you?

You want a nice, cool shoe.

So this is a shoe tree.

You insert this into the shoe

and flip on this little fan.

You see?

And what it does--
it cools the actual shoe

before you put it on.

Conversely,
if your feet are cold,

you don't want to be stepping
into some cold and clammy shoe.

But you turn this on,
and these heating el--

Ah, fuck me!

These heating elements here,

they heat up
and they warm the shoe.

You like?

Um, yeah, it's really syrupy,

which is what I like
in a Sunday roast.

You want more?

- Um, I think--
- Yeah.

All right.
Brilliant.

Right in there with her fingers.

It's terrific.

- Still erect.
- Yeah.

Sausagis erectus.

- Truly disgusting.
- He's only joking.

It's amazing.

Yeah, I was on holiday
in Wales.

Which was bad enough in itself.

And I came across a puffin.

And this puffin was...

- Masturbating.
- He was touching himself,

you know,
in an inappropriate way.

Looking directly at her.

And I found that-- took it
as a personal affront.

She took it very hard.

I was just very young,
you know?

I didn't know how to process
that sort of thing emotionally,

so it was suggested that
I went to a child therapist.

She hadn't spoken in weeks.

And this therapist told me
that I might be able

to let out my inner voice
with the use of a hand puppet.

So the rest is history.

We've been together
ever since, you know?

And I find it wonderful because
I have his companionship.

I-- I take a lot of the
heat, it has to be said.

You know, it's not
all laughs with Monkey,

because holding down a job, finding a
job where they will put up with him,

you know, that really
is a challenge.

Currently I'm working
in a bank.

You know, I bring Monkey
in two days a week.

But you're really hopeless
at counting out the money.

I find it difficult.

I don't have the manual skills.

Yeah, but the inaccuracy.

You asked us to come over, Dad.

- What was-- what's going on?
- Oh, right.

Well, a bit of sad news.

There's been a death
in the family.

- Oh, no.
- Really?

It's your great-aunt
Victoria.

My aunt, my father's sister
Victoria has passed on.

- Oh, no.
- She was in her 80s.

She was in her 80s.
She had a good, long life.

She was a good sort.

I didn't know her
terribly well myself.

But, you know, the good news is

she's left us all
a little something.

- That's great!
- Yeah.

- Exciting.
- Um...

I mean, sad that she's
dead, but that's great.

- Well, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's your lot, Bea.

Ugh, it's stained.

I don't think that's coffee.

And this is all yours.

Impressive.

Um...

Ah.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, I've needed
a new pincushion.

- No, you haven't.
- No, I haven't.

Next on
"The Plantagenets"...

Your treachery and cruelty
will end on this very night

unless you release my brother,
the Duke of Grimsby,

before the sun rises.

Never!

Don't kill her.
She's the only reason I watch.

Please, Father, don't
let them hurt me again.

Again?

"The Plantagenets" on BBC-2.

Well, hello.

Who the hell are you?

Hello?

Hey, Dad.
It's Tom.

- Hello, Tommy. How are you?
- I'm good.

Listen, I was just looking
through that old chest

that Great-aunt Victoria
gave me.

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah, and I just came across

a photograph of an old fella.

He's a stout-looking man

and he's got some interesting
facial hair going on.

Oh, and he's
in full military garb.

You know who that might be?

I think that's probably
your great-granddad,

my grandfather Harry.

- Harry?
- Yeah, he was supposedly some sort of military hero.

Oh, wow, a military--
I didn't know that.

That's cool.

Is there anything else
you can tell me about him?

No, not really.
No.

He died long before
I was on the earth.

Okay, well, cheerio, Dad.

Bye, now.

General Harry Chadwick,

leader of men,

grower of beard.

- Mr. P.
- Hello, Tom Tom.

- How are you doing, mate?
- Good.

You know,
crying myself to sleep.

What you got there?

This is, um...

My great-aunt died

and she left a box
of bits and bobs,

and I thought, "I know a man
who enjoys his bits and bobs."

That's my field--
bits and bobs.

And this was in it.

I think it is
my great-grandfather Harry.

- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.

Blimey, he's a stout
fella, isn't he?

- Yeah.
- I see the family resemblance.

Puff your cheeks out a bit.

Yeah.
Narrow your eyes.

- Yeah. No, not really. No.
- No? Okay.

Well, I can tell you this much.

- It's turn-of-the-century, I'd say.
- Right.

Anywhere in the early 1900s.

Uh, Tommy, I wouldn't do that.

That's not
a musical instrument.

It's a Victorian dildo.
Early prototype.

I'd like to be able to say you
don't know where it's been,

but I think we know
exactly where it's been, man.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

There's a fellow who
deals with this stuff.

He's an antiques photo fellow.

- Okay, cool.
- He lives just outside of London.

Here is his card.
Neville St. Aubrey.

Ooh, hello.

Yes, well, never judge
a book by its cover, Tom.

I wouldn't like to see
him in a care home.

Well, in his case, actually,
you can judge it by the cover.

- He's mad as a box of frogs.
- Oh, good to know.

The one good thing
about being in your own place

and living the life
you want to lead

is you have time
for hobbies and pastimes.

I've got a couple.

Got into something called
"landmarks in a bottle."

It's putting things in
bottles, but it's not ships.

So it's like
the Taj Mahal, Big Ben,

the Eiffel Tower, whatever,
Mount Rushmore,

and you stick it in the bottle.

And I think that
it's more original.

I'm actually fiddly.

I'm not very good
with these sausage hands.

But I think I'll get
there in the end,

create some fine works of art.

Hello.
I'm Pete.

Uh, best mate.

His best mate.

First time I met Pete

was the first day
of primary school.

- Oakeshott Primary.
- And I got a little overexcited.

Couldn't handle his fizzy pop.

- I went on to soil myself.
- He wet himself.

- Got ridiculed, obviously, by everybody in the class.
- Everyone.

- And the teachers.
- Yeah.

Everybody took the piss
except for one person.

Except...

this guy,

here.

He waddled over and he said...

I said, "Don't you worry, son.
I do it all the time.

And sometimes on purpose

- 'cause I enjoy..."
"The sensation."

Which was very sweet.

And with that,
a bond was formed...

- Can't break that.
- that could never be undone.

Can't break that.
Except I went off.

Except you went to Ireland
and got your silly accent.

But we kept in touch,
didn't we?

Yeah, I would
write letters and--

I wouldn't write letters.

I ph-- mine was
mainly phone calls.

I get-- my hand
gets tired of writing.

Never perfected
the joined-up writing.

I can do j-- I just--
it bothers me.

- While I was away, you started at a zoo.
- Yes, I started

at a Saturday job
as a 16-year-old in a zoo,

and look at me now--

Zoological
Cage Management Associate

in one of the top
children's zoos in London.

- You shovel shit.
- Yeah, I shovel shit.

It's one of my many jobs
at the zoo.

At least animals have got
roughage in their diet.

So I came back
after about 10 years,

and it was like
nothing had changed.

'Cause it hadn't.

But we've always had three
things in common, haven't we?

Booze, birds, and the Spurs.

- And the Spurs.
- And the Spurs.

- And the Spurs.
- Football chants.

They love that, don't they?

- Yeah.
- Obviously, I get a little more action

in the lady department
than him.

You just have to look at this

and listen to this,
and you'll understand why.

Tommy's had a bit
of a rough patch recently.

Haven't you?

Oh, you know Natalie?

- Uh, no.
- I'm seeing her at work.

She wears the Larry
the Ring-tailed Lemur outfit.

- Right.
- And she likes to keep it on.

And me. And she likes
me to dress up as well.

- Anyway.
- Anyway, she's got a mate, Ellie--

- No, no. - and she's fit
and we're setting you up.

- No.
- Trust me, she's model pretty.

What kind of model? 'Cause
the last time you did this,

she was a model
for garden furniture.

No, no.
She's cat--

- not supermodel, catalogue-model fit.
- Like in a magazine.

Like in a free-leaflet-
through-the-door-model fit.

She's a junk mail model?

Y... yeah.

- Forget it.
- I-- I can't forget it.

I've already said yes.

Ah!

- Where are we going?
- Platform 4.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

Tom and Sarah.

What-- I don't know--
she broke him.

And it's sad.

He's still-- I know
it's tough on him

and he's still not over her,
but he needs to get over her.

I never liked her,
to be honest.

I never thought
she was right for him.

And it turns out I was correct.

Do you know what's sad?

What's sad is seeing
a man of that size

crying like a little baby.

I'd come back from the zoo

and he'd be sat there
in my flat in his pants,

playing PlayStation
day after day.

And I'm a bloke who enjoys playing
PlayStation in his pants,

but five days is like
two days too long.

Right, so you get to
have a right old fondle

- of a supermodel's fun bags.
- Lovely.

- And she's got big ones.
- Right.

But-- but you've got
to get off with your dad

for two minutes--
tongues and groping.

Well, that's tricky.
He's such a handsome man.

This is us.

- 6.
- 6.

- I thought it would look more like a shop.
- Yeah, a bit more.

All right, into the abyss.

All right, I've got your back.

- Sort of.
- Don't touch it.

In a way.

Old classic.

Ah, gentlemen!

- Mr. St. Aubrey.
- How do you do?

Mr. Chadwick.

- Hello. Mr. Pete.
- How do you do?

Please, come in.
Come in.

Thank you very much.

Wow.

There they are.

Call off the search.

- We found them.
- No.

The entire Chadwick clan.

Still got it.

- Thank God 3-D is new.
- Gentlemen.

Hey.

We're in here.

Lovely.
Thanks.

Could I interest you
in a little lunch?

You know what?

I just had an Egg
McMuffin on the tube.

I'm gonna say no.

I'm sure Pete
will tuck in willingly.

When in Rome...

Well, if you change your
mind, please feel free.

Thank you very much.

- Shall we get down to business?
- Yes, indeed.

This, I believe,
is my great-grandpapa.

My goodness me!

Your great-grandpapa
would appear to be

a full field marshal.

- I did not know that.
- Didn't you?

- No.
- Yes, indeed.

But the real source
of interest for me

has to be hopefully contained

on the back of the photograph.

As I thought--
Graysons of Brighton,

an extremely popular studio
in the southeast of England.

- Oh, I see.
- Graysons of-- they're the best.

And with a little aid,

we can establish
the photograph was taken

in 19... 02!

Excellent.

Now, what I need to do is just...

take hold of this.

That's not a real book.

19-- ah, 1902.
Here we start.

The name again, please.

- Chadwick.
- Chadwick.

Chadwick, Chadwick,
Chadwick, Chadwick.

No. No such luck.

Let's hope that 1902 extends.

No, I'm afraid to say
that there is no Chadwick.

But all is not lost.

Because the studio itself
was so popular,

they had a habit
of subcontracting...

- Right.
- ...those out to other studios.

So with a little more research,

I'm sure I can come up
with further information.

Okay, okay. Great.

So please leave me, like a dog,

to snuffle around.

- All right.
- Oh, right.

Thank you.

It totally makes sense to me.

I've always had kind of
a military air about me.

What?

How? How have you had
a military air about you?

- Well, my bravery, my kind of innate courage.
- Bravery?

What courage
and innate bravery?

I was the first out of our
group to wear skinny jeans.

You might well have-- let me
paint you a picture, tough guy.

1992, we were both young
men of 12 years of age,

we've just seen
Spurs beat Arsenal

at White Hart Lane.

You're giving it all
to Billy Big Bollocks.

Cut to you getting chased
down Seven Sisters Road

pursued by a bunch of gooners.

- Yeah, there was, like, 10 of them.
- There were three of them

and they were eight years old, bruv.

Oh, text alert.

They were behind enemy lines.

- I didn't--
- It's Natalie.

Oh! Ellie would love
to go on a date with you.

It's on. It's on
like "Donkey Kong."

Come on, you're going on a date, big boy.

You might get
some "actione."

So how far do you go back?

- Like, into the...?
- I'm really sorry. Into the past.

How many ancestors away
do you go?

Oh. That's a good
question, Ellie.

I'm not sure how far back
the records and stuff go--

I mean how far back
is it recorded?

Back to sort of
dinosaur times or...?

- I mean, that sounds really stupid, doesn't it?
- No, no.

- No, no, really, it sounded really stupid.
- A slip of the tongue.

I didn't mean that anyway.

'Cause dinosaurs--
obviously,

there's some dinosaurs
that still exist,

so that would
only be going back,

like, 10 years or whatever.

You know what I mean.

Sorry, what?

- Sorry?
- Dinosaurs still exist?

Mm, yeah.

I know some people still think
they don't exist, right?

- Some people don't think--
- Some people don't.

- Right.
- But most people do, I think.

Because, I mean--
obviously, they do,

because birds are a type
of dinosaur, so...

- Mm-hmm.
- And-- and, you know, they still exist in Africa

because there's been loads of
sightings of dinosaurs in Africa.

- There are, like, big birds.
- Mm-hmm.

Apart from all of that,
apart from Africa

- and everything like that, there's the, um...
- Yeah.

the Loch Ness Monster.

And that's actually--
that isn't a lie, is it?

Because obviously people have
photos of the Loch Ness Monster.

- That's right.
- And the 1930s-- they didn't have Photoshop.

- Not really.
- They didn't even have iPads or anything.

No, they didn't have
any of that kind of stuff.

So they couldn't
actually--

you know, they couldn't
Photoshop it,

- so it's obviously actual photos.
- Yeah.

And that's not-- I mean,
that's not a fish, is it?

- It's a dinosaur.
- It's not a fish, certainly.

It's probably-- like you
said, it's probably...

a bloody dinosaur, isn't it?

I don't know, actually, where
the Loch Ness Monster is,

but it's somewhere in Scotland.

It's probably
in Loch Ness, isn't it?

I think that's where-- yeah, that's where it is.

I think that Loch Ness
is its name.

I think that it's in
Edinburgh or Dublin.

You think that Loch Ness is the
name of the actual creature?

Yeah, that's why it's called
the Loch Ness Monster.

You're probably right.
Probably right.

I hadn't really
thought about it.

Harold Chadwick.

- Hello?
- Ah, you're there.

Neville St. Aubrey here.

- Hey, Mr. St. Aubrey.
- How are you?

I'm really great.
How are you?

I'm extremely well.

Um, I've made a discovery.

- Ooh.
- Which I'm certain will be

of the utmost interest to you.

I'm reluctant to go into any
further detail over the phone.

- Sure.
- But I'm in London and would love to meet you

at your earliest
possible convenience.

Uh, I can meet you
in a half an hour.

That will be excellent.

I'm sorry I'm late.

- Oh, not at all, not at all.
- I had a little thing.

- This is so exciting.
- Yes.

I'm so glad you could be here.

Just hold on one second.
Can I just get a cup of tea?

Have you got any pastries?
Actually, it doesn't matter.

- Go on.
- Yes.

The discovery I've made is
that the man in the photograph

that you showed me
the other day

was none other
than Prince George,

the Duke of Cambridge.

- Shut the front door.
- Yes.

Harry was a royal.

That makes a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, it is not
your great-grandfather

Harry Chadwick.

- It's not?
- No.

Aw, shit.

Why did-- why did Victoria
have the photo?

Because your great-grandfather
Harry Chadwick

took the photograph.

- Harry was a photographer?
- He was indeed.

- Oh.
- And he is in the catalogue of photographers

that worked from that
studio at that time.

And I am pleased
to be able to show you

- a picture of your great-grandfather...
- Oh, great!

- Harry Chadwick.
- Yes.

Oh, sorry.
Wrong page.

Oh.

There he is--

your great-grandfather.

It's a Chinese man.

Yes.

Hence his name--
Harry Chadwick.

I'll take
that carrot cake, thanks.

♪ But I never
really had a clue ♪

♪ How to love a girl like you ♪

♪ Two true believers,
we devised ♪

♪ A temporary paradise ♪

♪ Now our future
is in the past ♪

♪ I should have known ♪

♪ It wouldn't last ♪

♪ I should have been
a better man ♪

♪ You could have been
a better friend ♪

♪ I'm alone but that's okay ♪

♪ I guess the dice ♪

♪ Just rolled that way. ♪