Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 4, Episode 19 - A Word to the Wise: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there
ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪



♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Okay,
who wants hot cocoa?

Okay, well,
I'll make some more.

Uh, Steven, why don't you
give me a hand?

I'll let you
lick the spoon.

She's so good to me.

So, Alex, if Mallory hadn't
interrupted your interview,

you might have gone
to Princeton,

and I never
would've met you.

Well, that's... That's fine
for you, Ellen, but, uh...

There's some girl in Princeton
crying her eyes out right now.



I got a great story to tell you,
Ellen,

now that my parents
are out the room.

Oh,
I like the sound of this.

When I was 16,
I had this boyfriend.

And I stupidly went to Alex
for advice.

Well, he and my dad
were recording

spontaneous family conversations
for Jennifer's school project.

So when I walked in,
my dad put the tape recorder on

without my knowing it
and left the room.

See you later, son.

Alex, do you have a minute?
I want to ask you a question.

I'm all ears.

Well, you're a guy...

Mallory, uh,
I'm not just a guy.

I like to think of myself
as a guy and a half.

What's up?

Okay, I was wondering,
how important is sex to a guy?

I'd say it has
a certain importance.

Well,
on a scale of 1 to 10.

35.

That's what I thought.

Why are you
asking me this?

I'm just
making conversation.

No, no, no, no, no.
This is not conversation.

Conversation is, uh,
"how are you doing?"

Uh, "looks like rain."

"Care for a waffle?"

There's something going on here
you're not telling me.

Wait a minute, Mallory.

Uh, has Rick asked you

to visit his tepee?

You mean sleep with him?

Yeah. Yeah, has he?

Well, yeah, he has.

Oh.

Well, when you said
you wouldn't sleep with him,

I mean,
you weren't nice to him.

I mean, you let him down easy,
I hope.

I said yes.

I see.

Uh, just a moment.

Are you crazy?

Is this the way
I brought you up?

Cut it out, Alex.

Look, Mallory, you're making
a big mistake here.

You are 16 years old.
That is too young.

Well, have you ever?

Have I ever what?

Had someone visit
your tepee?

Me?
Of course I have.

But I was much older
than you.

You're 16.

I was 17...

And a half.

I was 17, 8 months
and 3 days,

and it was leap year.

You're babbling, Alex.

Look, Mallory,
y-you just can't do this!

It's wrong.
You're not ready yet.

Why wasn't it wrong
when you did it?

Ah, come on.
That's different. I'm a guy.

That is such
a double standard, Alex!

If a guy loses his virginity,
he's some kind of a hero.

But if a girl does,
she's ruined her life?

That's stupid!

Well, it may be stupid,
but it's the law of nature.

You can't fight that.

Look, it's your duty as a woman
to say "no."

You know, if women shirked that
responsibility, men, uh,

men would never
get any work done.

Well, Alex, it's obvious

that you can't be objective
about this.

Why do you want to do this,
Mallory?

Well, I care very much
about Rick.

And I'm attracted to him.

I'm curious.

Uh, Mallory,
why don't you, uh...

Why don't you talk
to mom about this?

She lives for this stuff.

I can't do that, Alex.

You know how hard it is
to talk to parents about this.

All right. Okay, well,
whatever you decide to do,

don't do it.

Alex, I know
in your own warped way

you've tried to help.

I appreciate it.

Why are these kids
in such a hurry to grow up?

Well, I didn't go through
with it.

I decided I wasn't ready.

I saved her life.
How can you say that?

Alex, you have
such an antiquated attitude.

Come on, Mallory.
Look, you...

Hey,
what's all the noise about?

Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.

Look who I found scratching
at the back door.

Hi, guys.

Skippy,
have a seat.

Oh, all right.
What are you guys doing?

Oh, we're, uh... We're just,
uh, telling stories,

having some fun.

Alex stories.

Oh, can I tell one?
Go ahead, Skippy.

Well,
my favorite Alex story

is the time he rented out
the house

while Mr. and Mrs. Keaton
were away.

Oh, this is a great one,
Ellen.

This is during Leland's
homecoming game last year.

Okay,
the, uh, ad is in the paper.

What's our state of readiness,
Skipper?

All systems are go,
chief.

The baby's room is in a state
of rental preparedness.

This still feels
weird to me,

renting out a room
in our own house.

Well, Jen, don't...
Don't think of it as renting.

All we're doing
is letting strangers

use a room in our home

for money.

You know what I think?

Don't ask the impossible,
Mallory.

Alex, I think that mom and dad
would not approve of this.

Oh, come on, Mallory.
You underestimate our parents.

Now, they are thoughtful,
generous people.

And I think they'd be
thrilled to know

we are using their home
to shelter weary travelers.

You mean
we're gonna tell them?

What are you, crazy?

Skippy: things got out of hand
real quick.

I believe the ad said
$75 a night?

Right.

Wait a minute.
We want that room.

I'll give you $80.

$80?

$80.

I'm sorry, sir, but that's
not the way I do business.

Now, you offend me.

The Driscolls were here first,
and they should get the room.

Make it $90.

I'm not as offended anymore.

Do something, Jack. I'm not
gonna sleep in the car again.

We slept in the car
last year for homecoming.

I still have ashtray marks
on my neck.

$95.

$96.
$97.

$98!
$98.50!

$99! $99!

Wait a minute!
Wait just one minute!

This is a big house.

What are we all bidding
on one room for?

I mean, there's lots of rooms
in this place.

Please, look, there's only
one room for rent.

The others are occupied.

Little girl, do you have a room?
Yes.

Give you a hundred bucks for it.
You got it.

Well, um, I-I have a room.

Alex:
Everything was under control,

But then dad called to say
he was coming home early.

We had to get everybody out.
Our guests had other ideas.

Hope you don't mind.
I invited a few people.

Uh,
As a matter of fact...

Hey,
what are you doing?!

We did it! We captured
The other team's mascot!

We got the Crawford kangaroo.

Do you believe this? They
captured the Crawford kangaroo!

This is a day
we will never forget.

I'm home.

Hi, dad.
How was your trip?

Oh, it's so nice
to see you.

What is
going on here?

Now, dad, uh...

Don't go jumping
to any conclusions.

Whoa! Whoa!

Mallory:
Dad was really furious at us.

Steven: Mallory,
I'd rather not talk about it.

Look, do you, uh,

plan on being mad at us
for the rest of your life?

That is my plan.

But, dad, we're
your flesh and blood.

Yeah. Yeah, dad.

Remember how cute we were
when we were babies?

Yeah, well,
I'm still a baby, dad.

Will you read me a book,
daddy?

Yeah, daddy,
read us all a book.

Look, come on, dad.
Don't go away.

Look...

...you always said

that we should talk
about these things.

Alex...

...parents are
conditioned to accept

a-a-a few, uh,
minor problems

when they leave their children
alone at home...

Spilled milk on the rug.

A broken dish.

There was a kangaroo...

...in my living room.

He was just here
for the party, dad.

Then I guess
I'm overreacting.

Dad, if you just
give us a chance,

We can explain everything.

Oh, can you?

Can you explain the valet
parking in the driveway?

The flashing "vacancy" sign
in front of the house?

The billboard on route 41?

Look, dad, I just...
I just lost my head, you know?

When the money
started rolling in,

I got out of control.

I-i could smell it.
I could taste it.

I could hear it calling me
at night saying, "Alex...

At last, we'll be together."

Dad, I guess
you could just say

that I-i kind of became...
a money-holic.

Dad, I need help.

Did I miss anything?

Yeah, they're moving in
for the kill, now, mom.

I'm being held responsible
for everything

except the sinking
of the Titanic.

Where were you on that night,
Alex?

Admit it, Alex.

You do have a talent
for creating disasters

wherever you go.

That's true,
but he means no harm.

At last, a lone voice cries out
in my defense.

Careful, mom,
they'll go after you.

Does that mean you don't have
any Alex stories

to tell me, Mrs. Keaton?

No words to the wise?

I didn't say that.

Oh, mom,
you're my last hope.

Well, do you remember
the big fight we had

on your 18th birthday?

Well, Steven was on a business
trip, and so the girls and I

were gonna take Alex out
to celebrate.

But he decided he wanted
to go with his friends

to some sleazy bar
in west Virginia.

The Camelot Inn

is a very elegant establishment,
Ellen.

Take you there some night
for the hog-calling contest.

Well,
I didn't want him to go,

'cause the girls and I had been
planning this for a long time,

and I didn't think
that he should drive 200 miles

just to go to a bar.

But he went anyway.

Alex: Neil had set up
some dates for us,

but in order to impress them,

he had to tell
a few small lies.

I'd like you girls
to meet

a couple of young Air Force
cadets under my charge.

This is
lieutenant Lippman.

Ladies.

And this is colonel Keaton.

Uh, how you doing?

This is a big night
for colonel Keaton, girls.

Tomorrow morning
at 0500 hours,

he flies his first mission

into hostile
enemy territory.

Really?

Come on, Neil.

Well, he's exaggerating.

a little.

Well,
what do you mean?

Well, it's...
It's not my first mission.

It's my first solo mission.

Yeah,
and I'm going with him.

What country
are you attacking?

Oh, uh...Canada.

We're not at war
with Canada.

Wait, are we?

Are you scared?

Tell me, Buffy,
what place is there for fear

in a struggle
whose ultimate goal

is nothing less
than the survival of liberty?

I don't know.

So...are you scared?

Let me tell you a little story
about fear, Buff.

Uh, about a year ago,

I'm up in my F-14,
doing a test flight.

I'm about 70,000 feet up.
I had that puppy going Mach 2.

All of a sudden,
the fan belt goes out on me.

And you know something, any
other pilot in that situation

might have felt fear,
but, uh, not this guy.

No, sir.

Uh, Alex.

That's colonel Keaton.

Uh, I'm sorry.
Colonel Keaton, I mean.

What is it?

Your mother's here.

I want you to come home
with me.

Excuse me...

...but the colonel
happens to be my date.

The colonel?

Uh, yeah,
maybe some other time.

Tonight is a big night
for him.

Tomorrow morning,
he's invading Canada.

Oh, I see.

May I have a word with you,
please, colonel Keaton?

Your orders have been
radically changed.

Uh, Mrs. Keaton, would you
please not tell my mom

that you saw me here?

Why is his mother here?

Uh, she probably came down
to wish him luck

on his mission tomorrow.

You had no right
to defy me, Alex.

I want you to leave with me
right now.

No, mom, this is crazy.

Look, we can talk about this
later, tomorrow morning.

You're invading Canada
tomorrow morning.

Mom,
I'm not leaving with you.

No way.

You are coming home with me
right now, young man,

and that is final!

Uh...Neil, Doug, ladies,

I got to go.

Have a safe mission.

Mom.

Elyse:
The real fireworks started

when colonel Keaton and I
got back home.

He's still out there,
mom.

Is he gonna stay
in the car all night?

He'll have to come in
for breakfast.

Can't we just put a bowl out
by the back door?

Jen, why don't we...

I'm with you.
I'm with you.

Mom...

I made a pact with myself

never to speak to you
again.

But I've given myself permission
to suspend it...

briefly,

because, frankly, mom,

the curiosity
is killing me.

How on earth
can you possibly justify

doing what you did to me
tonight?

Go ahead, I'm listening.

Oh, I know.

I know.

You're mad
because I disobeyed you.

Well, let me tell you
something, mom.

I only disobeyed you
because you were wrong.

Without just cause
or provocation,

you denied me permission
to do something

I have every right
in the world to do.

Oh, sure.

Sure,
this is your house.

And as long
as it's your house,

I got to live
by your rules.

Well, that used to be true.
Not anymore, mom.

I'm an adult now.

I got 18 years
under this belt,

and my life
is in my own hands.

Have you anything else
to say?

I thought not.

All right, mom. Okay.

I think I've refuted
all your arguments.

Until you are ready
to apologize to me,

I am done
speaking with you.

Oh, I didn't realize
you'd started speaking with me.

What is that
supposed to mean?

The past two days, Alex,
you have complained to me,

grunted at me,
lectured to me,

and presented me
with ultimatums,

but not once... not once

have you even come close
to talking with me.

Semantics.

Okay, mom.
All right. Okay. Okay.

I haven't been
very chatty lately.

I haven't been
a million laughs.

That is not the issue here.

The issue here is my right
to live my own life

without having you
try and control it.

You have every right
to live your own life.

I'm not trying
to deny you that.

O-ho, no?!

Oh! Oh, no?

Okay, then why did you drive
a hundred miles and humiliate me

in front of half the state
of West Virginia?

You had a few hours
to kill?

No, Alex, I did it
because you defied me.

And even more important
than that,

I did it because I was hurt
and angry and fed up.

About what?

I've tried starting
conversations with you,

only to be
politely dismissed.

I've asked you to help around
the house and been ignored.

You canceled out dinner plans
that I had made

without a moment's thought
to my concern in the matter.

I do not enjoy being made
to feel like an intrusion

and an annoyance
in my own son's life!

Okay, look, mom,

I'm sorry
that I wasn't more sensitive.

Okay,
I guess I should have been.

But I'm not used to thinking
that way

when it pertains to you.

I mean, I-I-I think of you
as my mother, not as a person.

You know what I mean.

Surprise, Alex.

I am a real person -

flesh and blood,
real feelings.

And maybe
in one sense,

I was wrong not to let you
go out with your friends.

But if you want me to respect
your rights as an adult,

then you'd better start
respecting mine.

Okay, I didn't respect
your rights,

and you
didn't respect mine.

So, uh...
How do we figure out

who's right and who's wrong,
here?

There is no absolute right
or wrong.

It's my job, as a parent,
to set boundaries.

And it's your job
to negotiate to change them.

When you were 7 years old,
we got in an argument

because you wanted to walk
to school by yourself.

I remember.

I remember,
and, uh, I was right,

and you let me go.

Yes,
but I followed you.

And I hid behind trees
and mailboxes

to make sure you looked
both ways

and you crossed
on the green.

Did I?

Yes.

In fact, when another kid
tried to cross

in the middle of the block,

you made
a citizen's arrest.

Yeah, that was
little Timmy Doogan.

I let him off
with a warning.

It's unbelievable to me,
Alex,

that 18 years ago tonight,

I had a baby boy.

Me, right?

Ever since that night,

you've been trying so hard
to grow up,

and I've been trying so hard
not to let it happen.

Well, considering, uh,

we have been
at cross purposes, uh...

I think we're doing
all right.

Mom, um...

I'm sorry that I've been
treating you so rotten lately.

Accepted.

I'm sorry
I ruined your dinner.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I had to go to bed early
anyway.

I'm attacking Canada
in the morning.

Good luck.

Thank you.

And happy birthday.

Thank you.

I love you, honey.
I-i...

Ah, mom,
don't start that stuff.

I love you too, mom.

Well, that was some night.
I'll never forget it.

I'm not surprised.

No one in this family
ever forgets anything.

Hey, everybody.
Andy's just about asleep.

Do you want to come up
and say good night to him?

Oh, yes.
Let's see that boy.

Oh, um,
are you two coming along?

No, we better not.

Who knows
what incriminating stories

Andy might have
to tell Ellen?

So, after everything
you've heard tonight,

do you, uh,
still like me?

Or should I take
the calculator back?

Alex, do you really think
anything your family told me

came as a surprise?

I didn't exactly think
it was common knowledge.

From the very beginning,

I knew that there was
something different about you.

Different as in, uh, good?

Different as in...

They've been
a wonderful six months.

I love you.

Happy anniversary.

I love you, too.

Happy anniversary, Alex.

Did you really invest
your father's money

in the stock market?