Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Real Thing: Part 1 - full transcript

Okay, Andy, time for breakfast.

Hmm. I'll cook,
but you got to clean up.

Oh, there he is.

Mom, can I take Andrew
into the living room?

It's my last chance
to play with him

before I have to
leave for school.

Well, honey, I'm about
to give him breakfast.

- But you can help me feed him.
- Okay, thank you.

Okay, Andy,
this morning it's corn mush.

I'll create a diversion,
you make a run for it.

Oh, there he is. Andy.



How about a quick story
before I go to work?

What do you say?

Dad, he's all booked up
right now,

but maybe mom
could read you a story.

It's not the same.

Come on, Alex,
don't be so selfish.

He's my brother, too.

Well, Mallory, look.

Today happens to be
the first day

of my sophomore year
in college,

and I'd like
a few private moments

to share
with my only brother.

Jennifer and I are about
to give him breakfast now.

And if that falls though,
I got dibs on him.



Then I'm next.

Wait a minute.
What about me?

- I want to play with him.
- Now, come on, Andy.

All right,
all right, all right.

Let's let Andy decide.

Now, Andy,
who's your favorite?

Well, that seems clear enough.

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there
ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪

♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

♪ love is
a many-splendored thing ♪

♪ it's the April rose
that only grows ♪

♪ in the early spring

♪ love is nature's way
of giving ♪

♪ a reason to be living

Kiss me, dad.

I used to like that song.

Bear with me, mom.

First day of college,

beautiful girls
strolling around the campus.

Surely you must remember
what it's like

to be young and in love?

Or at least in love.

Ow! Kidding, mom. Kidding.

Well, now,
this is big news, Alex.

What girl
are you in love with?

Well, dad, I've narrowed it down
to seven lucky finalists.

And you'll find
their pictures in here.

Leland college
freshman directory.

You met seven different
freshmen girls

on your first day of school?

Well, I haven't actually
met any of them yet, mom.

I decided it'd be more efficient
to go through the book,

pick one I like, seek her out,
and fall in love.

Wouldn't it be easier
just to order a few,

try them out, and then send back
the ones you don't like?

You're a natural at this.

Alex, picking out girlfriends
based on pictures in a book

is a bit immature,
not to mention sexist.

Right, Steven?

Steven!

Oh, uh...yes. I agree.

Now, this is despicable, Alex.

I'm shocked at you.

Will you two cut it out?

Yes, really, Alex.

Mom, mom, look at this one -
Tricia Armstrong.

Now, come on. Don't you think
we make a good couple?

Well, you're both
two-dimensional.

See?

Anyway, here's my plan.

I figure I'll drop her a note
in the college mail tomorrow,

tell her I'm from the Sophomore
Hospitality Committee,

And I'll be calling by
later in the day.

Yes?

Ah. Excuse me.

You're not Tricia Armstrong,
are you?

No, I'm Ellen Reed.

Sorry to disappoint you.
Tricia's my roommate.

Oh, she's your roommate.
Fabulous.

Hi. Uh, Alex P. Keaton,
Sophomore Hospitality Committee.

Congratulations.

Whoa. Excuse me.

Uh, do you mind if I wait
around here for a while?

I told miss Armstrong
that I'd meet her here,

and it's official
Committee business.

Yeah, I suppose.

Ah, thanks very much.

So, you and Tricia
must be pretty close, huh?

Met her yesterday.

Oh. How'd that go?

She said hello
when I said hello.

Sounds like she's got
the gift of gab.

Put that down.
Can't you see I'm painting that?

Wait a minute.

That is supposed to be this?

It's not supposed to be
representational.

It's abstract.

Oh, I'll say it's abstract.

What do you call it?
"Find the apple"?

I'd explain the concept
of abstract art to you,

but I have a feeling
I'd be wasting my time.

Oh.

Oh, you do, do you?

Look, I know why you're here.

What, do you think I'm stupid?

I happen to know
that there's no such thing

as a Sophomore
Hospitality Committee.

There is, too.
I'm the president.

And, uh - and founder.

You're here for exactly the same
reason as all those other guys.

You saw Tricia's picture
In the freshmen directory,

and you came by here
to hit on her.

That is not true.

What other guys?

Don't worry, you'll do fine.

From what I can tell
about Tricia, you're her type.

Oh, oh, I see,
and you know what type I am.

I mean,
you got me all figured out.

Well, let me take a shot.

You're an economics major.

You voted for Reagan.

You're in the Debating Club
and the Young Executives Club,

and you wear a jacket and tie
everywhere you go.

Ha.

Just shows you what you know.

I quit the debating club
last spring.

- I'm sorry. I misjudged you.
- Wait a minute.

What is going on here?

Why are you giving me
such a hard time?

Maybe it's because I've had
to spend the last two days

making inane conversation
with insecure guys like you

who fall in love
with photographs.

Insecure, huh?

Let me tell you something.

You have really got a chip
on your shoulder.

I do not have a chip
on my shoulder!

I am a very nice person except
when I'm around people like you!

Oh, people like me?!
People like me?!

I happen to like people like me!

I can tell you do.

And of all the people like you
that there are,

you probably like you the best.

Yeah, well,
let me tell you something.

You are about
the most unfriendly,

self-righteous person
I have ever met.

Alex P. Keaton, Sophomore
Hospitality Committee.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

Oh, hey, Alex.
I left some dinner for you.

Oh, thanks, mom.
I already ate.

Oh. How'd your girl shopping go?

It was fine. It was great.

Oh. Is that one young lady
as pretty in person?

Uh-huh.

You seemed happier
with her picture.

No, no, no, it was fine.
She was - she was great.

She was really great.
I mean, we went to a movie.

And we're probably gonna go out
tomorrow night.

It's just that
she's got this roommate.

Ellen Reed.

Ma, I got into a big argument
with this girl

while I was waiting around
for Tricia.

And it really bugged me.

Do you know she had the nerve

to accuse me of going over there
just to hit on Tricia?

Well, isn't that
why you went over?

So what?

What is the big deal?

I was just asking.

And then she starts in -
real know-it-all, you know,

like she knows
everything about me.

"You're an economics major.
You voted for Reagan.

"You're in the Debating Club.

You're in
the Young Executives Club."

Well, all that is true.

I quit the Debating Club
last spring!

And then she tells me
I'm insecure.

I mean - I mean, you don't
think I'm insecure, do you, mom?

B-because I would hate

for - for people to view me
a-as insecure.

B-because I'm not.

I'm - I'm really, really not.

Hm. This girl really
got to you, huh?

You know, Alex,
it was really nice of you

to come over the other day
to meet me.

All the guys at Leland
have been so nice to me.

Well, that's the Leland motto -
"we're nice."

Easy, Trish.

Oh, hi, Ellen.

Hi, Trish.

Hello.

- Hello.
- Oh.

Ellen, your boyfriend, Dennis,
called a couple of hours ago.

He said he'd call back
tomorrow.

Oh, thanks, Trish.

Ellen's boyfriend is a senior
at Franklin & Marshall.

He's gonna be
a psychologist,

and they're probably
gonna get married.

Isn't that great?

Swell.

Trish,
you have a phone call.

Oh, thanks, Jack.

I'll be right back, Alex.

Well, you two seem
to be hitting it off.

Well, that shouldn't
surprise you.

After all, we are the same type.

Listen, I won't bother you guys.
I just came back to get a book.

I'll be out of your way
in a minute.

Hey, it's your room.

You need any help?

No.

Here, here, let me get that.

No, I can do it.

The same thing
happened yesterday.

I fixed it myself.

You did a nice job.

Okay, fine, you seem
to want to help so badly.

All right.

Just, uh...um...

Right, uh, just, like...

All right, okay, no prob.

Just get this.

All right, okay.
All right. Here.

Okay.

There we go.
Gently, gently, gently.

Ah.

Piece of cake.

Anything else need fixing
while I'm here?

That'll do it. Thanks.

Uh...

Listen, Ellen,

about the other day,

I'm sorry if I came on
a little strong.

I'm sorry, too.

Hey, hey, did you do these?

What? Oh, yeah.

They're mine.
They're not very good.

Oh, come on, these are great.

I mean, now,
these look like real things.

I mean, look at that.
That could be a real painting.

It is a real painting.

Yeah, this one, too.
This is great.

Who is that?

Oh, that's just a guy I know.

An old friend.

Dennis.

Oh, your boyfriend.

Well, I guess that depends
on what you mean by boyfriend.

Uh, Tricia said you
were gonna marry him.

Oh, well, if that's
what you mean, yeah.

So, you are
getting married?

Well, he really wants to.

Of course, I do, too.

I probably will.

I'm sure I will.

I don't know.
Maybe not.

Well, as long as you're sure,
I mean.

What a nice call that was.

Who was it from?

A guy named Brett

from the senior class
Welcoming Committee.

Listen, Trish.

Uh, you got to be careful,
you know.

A lot of those organizations
are bogus.

Trust him. He knows.

Bye, Ellen.

Come on, Alex.
This is important.

Now, pretend that you're
Theta Pi Sigma Sorority

and you've invited me
to tonight's fall pledge dance.

Which one would you
most like me to wear?

Uh, Tricia, this is silly.

I mean, I'm no good
at pretending I'm a sorority.

I never have been.

Oh, the pink one's you, Alex.

Good morning.

Jennifer, Mallory.
Oh, hi, Mr. Keaton.

I'm gonna go
try these dresses on.

Will you tell me which one
looks best?

- Sure, let's go.
- Okay, bye.

Well, Alex,
I have to give you credit.

You got that book,
picked out the girl you wanted,

sought her out,
and now you're a happy couple.

You took all the surprise
and romance out of love

and reduced it
to what it should be...

An exact science.

Yeah, well, it's not as exact
as I'd hoped, dad.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Here I am. I'm with Tricia.

She's everything
I'd hoped she'd be.

She's beautiful.
She's fun-loving.

She's vivacious.

And if I have to spend
another minute with her,

I'm gonna strangle both of us.

Well,
these things take time, Alex.

The crazy thing is
she's got this roommate,

an art major
for crying out loud,

Who I have absolutely nothing
in common with.

And for some unknown reason,
I think about her constantly.

And she's got a boyfriend
who she's probably gonna marry.

Alex, I hope I'm not interfering
in your personal life

if I say...

Good luck.

Oh, there you are, Alex.

Would you look after Andrew
for a while?

Oh, yeah. You got it, mom.

Oh, and, dad?

Yeah.

I hope you win this time.

Alex, we jog for exercise
and fun.

It's not a competition.

Yeah. You ready to go?

Yeah. All set.

Whoops.

Would you mind getting that
for me, dear?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, Steven!

Well, big guy,
looks like just you and me.

What do you want to do, Alex?

I don't know.

I thought maybe we'd pop open
a couple of cold beers.

Okay,
but I'm only 9 months old.

Make mine a light.

You're corrupting a minor.
I'm calling the police.

When - uh,
when - when did you get here?

Just a second ago.
I came by to pick up Tricia.

Who's that little guy?

This is my brother, Andrew.

Andrew, this is Ellen.

Hi, Ellen.

Tricia needs a guy's opinion
about her dress.

I think's Andrew's
our safest bet.

Well, I guess I'll go
tell Tricia I'm here.

Yeah, uh, wait.

Ellen, uh, just a minute.

I, uh -
I got you something.

You did?

Yeah, it's no big deal.

I was at this art show,

and, uh, they were having
a sale on Picassos.

And I knew you liked his stuff,
so I got you one.

Alex...

It's not a Picasso.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is.

Sure. Look right here.

Uh, Pica...

Picardo.

Uh, Vince Picardo.

Got to admit, though,
he is good.

Alex, thank you.

This - this was very sweet
of you.

It was - it was nothing.

Really, I mean,
I was there and everything,

and I knew you liked art.

It was still very sweet.
Thank you. I really -

No, no, don't worry about it.
It was a couple of bucks.

- Even so.
- No big deal.

It was very sweet. Now shut up.

You're welcome.

So, I guess I'll see you guys
at the dance tonight.

Oh, you, uh -
you gonna be there?

Yeah, just to make some money.

I'm working
the refreshment table.

So come say hello
if you get bored.

I will. I will.

In fact, um, I don't know.

Maybe - maybe we could -

- Oh, hi, Ellen.
- Hi.

I didn't know you were here yet.

Yeah, uh, she just got here.

- Just now.
- Second ago.

Great. Are you ready to go?

- Yeah, let's go.
- Okay.

Oh.

Mmm. Bye.

- Bye.
- I'll see you tonight.

Yeah.

Thanks, Alex.
That was nice.

You having a good time?

Oh, it's wonderful.

Everybody looks so nice,

and the decorations
are beautiful.

Hi, Ellen.

Hey, it's 10:00.

Showing a tape of last week's
pep rally up in the lounge.

Oh, wow. You want to go, Alex?

Uh, no, Tricia.
Why don't you go ahead?

Um, I'm gonna stay here
and relax.

Enjoy these decorations.

Okay, I won't be long.

[ Billy Vera & The Beaters'
"At This Moment" plays ]

♪ what did you think

♪ I would do at this moment

♪ when you're standing
before me ♪

Hey. How's it going?

Fine.

Excuse me.

Something wrong?

No, nothing wrong.

Well, listen,
why don't you take a break?

Let's dance.

No, I can't.
I have to...

Make sure there's
enough punch available.

Ellen, there are 8,000
cups of punch here.

Please, Alex,
I don't want to dance.

- Why not?
- Because I just don't.

- Come on.
- ♪ I would say at this moment

♪ when I'm faced
with the knowledge ♪

♪ that you just don't love me

♪ did you think
I would curse you ♪

♪ or say things to hurt you

♪ 'cause you just don't
love me no more ♪

♪ did you think
I could hate you ♪

♪ or raise my hands to you?

Ellen.

What?

Nothing.

What is it?

Nothing. I - nothing.

- You were gonna say something.
- No, no, no, no.

I thought
I was gonna say something,

and then I realized I wasn't.

♪ and you know

♪ I'd never hurt you

♪ whoa-oh

♪ what do you think

♪ I would give at this moment

Ellen.

What?

Nothing.

Uh, that time
it was really nothing.

♪ I'd fall down on my knees

♪ kiss the ground
that you walk on ♪

♪ if I could
just hold you again ♪

Ellen.

Alex, please, let me go.

Ellen, I'm sorry. I slipped.

Ellen.

Guess who.

What you been doing?

Uh, dancing.

I danced with Ellen.

Really?
Well, did she tell you?

Tell me what?

Oops.

Maybe she doesn't
want anybody to know.

Know what?

Promise you won't tell anyone
I told you?

Look, Tricia,
I am not fooling around here.

What is it?

Well, she decided
to get married.

She called her boyfriend right
before the dance and said yes.

Isn't that great?

♪ I'd fall down on my knees

♪ and I would kiss the ground
that you walk on, baby ♪

♪ if I could
just hold you again ♪