Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 3, Episode 20 - Don't Know Much About History... - full transcript

♪ I'll bet
We've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet
We'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Ooh, it's like
I started breathin' ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪



♪ And there ain't
No nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
Each other through ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Keaton.
Everything was delicious.

Yes, my, uh... My wife has
a way with seaweed.

Oh.

What's this over here?

That's cooked lawn.
Tsk.

I mow it.
I rake it.

And I cook it.

Come on, Elyse.
Uh, we better get going.



The car dealers close
in an hour.

What kind of car
you thinking of buying?

A sports car.
A station wagon.

Mallory, the whole reason
for buying a new car

is to have more room
for the baby.

What would be the point
of buying a sports car?

I'd look great in one.

Come on, Mallory,
they'd be crazy to let you

drive the new car,
anyway.

I happen to be
a good driver, Alex.

I passed my road test
on the third try,

and I almost passed
on the second try.

And she could have
if the examiner

hadn't been thrown
from the car.

Personally, I don't care
what kind of car we buy,

as long as it doesn't have
those fake hangings

from the rear of new mirror.

What are you guys
gonna do tonight?

Well, Alex and I
are gonna interview

some students
for our new business,

the Jarrett and Keaton
Tutorial Service.

That's right...
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You mean, the, uh, Keaton
and Jarrett Tutorial Service.

Keaton and Associates.

Why not just Keaton?

All right. Okay.
Have it your way.

Who would come to you guys
to be tutored anyway?

We could get rich
off your friends alone, Mal.

Well, I think it's nice

to see you guys cooperating
for a change.

Well, what does that mean, Mom?

Oh, come on.

You two are the most
competitive guys I know.

Us? Compete? What do we
ever compete over?

Okay, Elyse,
you ready to go?

Yeah, I'm all set.

Uh, Jen, you'll look after
the, uh... The baby?

I think Alex will be okay
on his own, Mom.

Oh, you mean,
the other baby.

Yeah.
Yeah, I'll stay.

We'll see you later.

Yeah, hopefully,
in a Maserati.

Bye-bye.

Good night.

Okay, let's get this place
cleaned up.

We are professional tutors now.

We gotta make a good impression
on our tutees.

We are gonna have
a very successful business,

and we're gonna be
providing a service

for the college community.

And we're gonna be rich!

Right.

And we're gonna
split everything

down the middle: 54, 46.

Keaton, I recognize
that look in your eye.

What look?

That competitive look,

like when we were teammates
in that bicycle race

and you kept trying
to ride away from me

off in your own direction.

Come on, Jarrett,
I saw a shortcut.

We were on a tandem bike.

And so basically, what we offer
is a biweekly tutorial

on those subjects
you're not performing

up to your top standards in.

That's great,
but what I really need

help in
is my schoolwork.

Well, that's what
"tutorial" means, William.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'll see you guys
Tuesday, then, huh?

Hey, by the way,
where do I go?

Uh, well, the tutorial
will take place here, William.

I mean,
where do I go now?

Go home.

Go home.

See you Tuesday, William.

Whoo! Okay.

Hey, we did it!

We bought the Wagonmaster.
We pick it up next week.

Whoa! Congratulations.

Yeah, it's...
It's economical,

it's well-built,
it's roomy...

It's ugly. It looks like
a refrigerator on wheels.

I wanted to get
the Panther 4000 Turbo XK.

It does zero to 100
in two seconds.

Mallory, I don't like
buying a car

that requires a parachute
to slow down.

I heard the Wagonmaster's
a real nice car, Mr. Keaton.

Oh, it is a beauty, James.

The salesman says
it seats eight comfortably

and, uh, ten uncomfortably.

I'm gonna go check on Andy.
It's time for his bath.

Oh, I'll come with you,
Elyse. I, heh...

I want to show him
these dice. Heh-heh.

Okay. So who's next?

Uh, just one more.
Uh, Robin Green.

I spoke to her on the phone.
She sounded pretty dull.

Hey, if we can tutor William,
we can tutor anyone.

Hi. I'm, uh...
I'm Alex Keaton.

Robin Green.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, this is my partner, uh,
uh, James Jarrett.

Hi.

Uh, come in,
come in, come in.

Thank you.

Would you like something
to drink?

No, thanks.

Can I take your coat?

All right.

Uh, please, sit down.
Have a seat. Have a seat.

This is
a beautiful coat.

Thank you.

Am I in the right house
for the tutoring?

Well, uh, William,

that just about wraps up
today's session.

How am I doing so far?

Not bad.

You'll do
even better next time

if you bring your books.

Bring books!
Bring books!

Okay, uh, we'll see you
Thursday. Right, William?

Okay.
Okay, now, remember,

that's this Thursday,
the 31st.

Thirty days has Thursday,
April...

It's a good thing we don't offer
a money-back guarantee.

Okay, who's next
on the schedule tonight?

Uh... gee.

Uh, who's next?

Uh, Eddie Fenton canceled,

so it's just, uh...
Robin.

Robin.

Yeah. Robin.

Right! Robin!

Alex, let's be honest
with each other.

I think it's safe to say

that Robin is a girl that
one might consider to be...

attractive.

Really?

Yeah, okay,
now that you mention it,

I... I can see how one might
find her attractive...

Sensuous...

Incredibly erotic.

Though, personally,
I hadn't noticed.

I hadn't either,

but, you know, if two guys
are trying to run a business

and they were to compete over
something like, say, a girl...

Oh, pfft!

It could destroy

the whole foundation
of their partnership.

Of course it could, so, uh...
So they shouldn't compete.

Right. So let's not.

Right. Let's, uh...
Let's remain cool.

Detached.

Professional.

Professional.
Right.

Professional.

Right.

Hello.

Robin! Gee, I had
completely forgotten

it was your night tonight.

Enter. Enter.

Well, I brought my economics
and my poetry books.

Who's gonna tutor me first?

I am.

Well, it doesn't matter to me.

All I know is that when I study,

whatever I do last stays
with me best.

Then, uh... Then do poetry first.

Do poetry, take your time.

I'll be, uh, back in,
what, roughly 40 minutes.

James, that is really funny.

See, I bet you never thought

that Aleksandr Pushkin
was such an amusing poet.

Ooh, but I always
suspected it.

Forty minutes.
Time's up.

Alex, that could not
have been 40 minutes.

You guys run
a tight ship here.

Evidently, though we seem
to be a little lacking

in professional courtesy.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm professional, buddy.

I don't giggle
when I tutor.

You know,
James is really wonderful.

He is?

He is one of the brightest
and most interesting people

I've met
since I've been at Leland.

Yeah, well, uh... Yeah.

He does make
a good first impression,

in a superficial
sort of way.

Although I-I think
you'll find

that I'm pretty bright
and amusing

in my own right,

only with more depth.

I'm sure I will.

Uh, uh, Robin,

uh...

would you like to go out
with me tomorrow night?

That's really nice
of you to ask, Alex,

but James already invited me

to a poetry reading
tomorrow night.

I can't believe him!

Great! Great.

Excuse me. Alex, can I use
the phone in the other room?

Sure. Go... Go ahead.

Forgot a book.

How could you?

I just forgot it,
that's all.

Nah, nah, nah.
You forgot more than a book.

You forgot our agreement.
You asked her out!

And so did you!

How did you know?

I was listening at the door.

Oh. How dare you.

That's it, Jarrett.
That's it.

Our partnership is over.

Suits me just fine.

Ah...

It was an ant.

"And make certain
to unfasten your seat belt

before getting out
of the car. "

Dad, how much longer
do we have to do this?

There's only one more
section to go.

Ah. "Your trunk
and welcome to it. "

Oh, Steven! Dad! Dad!

That's it. I cannot
handle it anymore.

Now, where are you going?

Thought I'd drive the new car
over to Chrissie's house.

Oh, she's kidding.

It's Mrs. Olbeck!

She got
the new Panther Turbo.

I can't believe it.

I specifically set aside
this time

to play with the baby,
and he's asleep.

Hey, Mom, I love that kid,

but he's inconsiderate.

Alex, you've been
in a bad mood all day.

What's your problem?

It's you, Mallory.

Nah, I'm sorry.
It's not you.

It was just a reflex.

It's James.

What happened?

Oh, Dad, you're not gonna
believe this when you hear it.

I mean,
are you ready for this?

He invited Robin Green
to a poetry reading.

And he always seemed
so nice.

No, no, Dad,
you don't understand.

You see, she's one
of our tutees.

Who's your other T?

Ah...

Anyway...

You see, James and I are both
attracted to this girl.

So we made
a gentleman's agreement

not to ask her out.

Why?

It's obvious, Elyse,
without such a contract,

they might compete for her

and destroy their friendship
in the process.

That's ridiculous.

They should be stronger
than that.

Well, Elyse, the male ego
is a very fragile thing.

Oh, that's stupid.

I'm hurt.

Alex, I'm surprised that James
would do such a thing.

Yeah, me too,
but he did.

Well, now, how did you
find out about this?

Well, because, uh,
she told me...

when I asked her out
for tonight.

Well, if you
asked her out,

then you are just
as guilty as James.

No, no. That's not true, Mom.

You see, I only asked her out
because I suspected

that James had asked her out,
which he had.

I- it was entirely
a defensive move on my part.

And had we gone out, it...
It would have been purely a...

A preemptive
tactical date.

How romantic.

Hey, hey, no way! I'm tired.
I don't wanna play now.

Coming, Andy.

Wait. Mom, Mom. Dad.

Mallory, uh, Mallory,
listen.

You gotta help me out
with something.

You're, uh, sort of a girl.

James and I are both
attracted to the same girl.

Now, what would you do

if you had two good-looking,
intelligent guys

interested in you?

What's that got to do
with you and James?

Come on, Mallory.

All right.

Look, if a guy
was interested in me,

I'd wanna know about it.

Really?

Look, all you can do
is express how you feel.

And if you and Robin
are meant to be together,

it'll happen naturally.

Just be yourself.

Okay.

See, that's a...
That's a very sensitive,

perceptive point, Mallory.

Thanks.

I read it
in Cosmopolitan.

Well, well!
Robin, James.

What a surprise.

Hi, Alex.
It's good to see you.

Yeah, well, I never miss
a poetry reading.

I have season tickets.

May I have
your attention, please.

This evening,
the poetry club

is pleased
to have with us

the Horace Newton
award-winner for poetry,

Zane Axelrod.

Mr. Axelrod
is one of the best,

the most incomprehensible poets
of his generation.

Where are the chairs?

Just sit
on the floor, Alex.

Right. The floor.

Bohemians.

Mr. Axelrod.

"The Nuclear Holocaust and You,"
a Christmas poem.

Intercontinental ballistic

missiles,

assembled in the silos
of our soul,

multiple warheads.

The fragments
of our unfulfillment.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Bomb shelters...

Whatever happened
to "Hickory Dickory Dock"?

Shh!

This is art, Alex,

something you obviously
know nothing about.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Don't, uh...

Don't...

Don't pretend
to be Mr. Culture.

You're only here for one reason,
and you know it.

Born pure
and tarnished by distrust,

or...

born tarnished,
searching for a shine?

Boom. Boom. Sha-boom.

I can't believe
you'd be so low

as to just barge in
on my date.

Ah! A date! A date.
So you admit it's a date.

I admit nothing.

Why don't you
get lost, Keaton.

Oh, yeah?
Who's gonna make me?

I am!

No, I am.

Hey, this is
a private discussion,

so, uh, you want to just stick
to your stupid poetry?

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm rubber
and you're glue.

Whatever you say bounces off me
and sticks to you.

This guy's good.

What is it with you two?

A few weeks ago,
you seemed so mature.

And now you've turned into
a couple of third graders.

He did first!
Oh, did not!

Look, Robin, we both
obviously like you a lot,

and I think the ball
is in your court now.

Look, Robin, you can settle
this whole thing right now

by just saying which one of us
you like better.

I never had the chance
to find out!

I hardly know either of you,
and... And all of a sudden

I'm in the middle
of some kind of tug of war.

I don't enjoy being
the object

of some
adolescent competition,

and until the two of you
grow up,

I don't want to spend
any more time

with either of you.

I still haven't got
the baby seat in.

I wanna swing by
the hardware store

and get an acetylene torch
and a power wrench.

I have to take out
the back seat.

Steven,
that's ridiculous.

Bet we wouldn't have
this problem

with the Maserati.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Alex,
I'm glad you're here.

We need the Volvo
to go shopping.

Oh, Dad, uh,
still hasn't figured out

the new car yet, huh?

You got it.

All set, let's go.

Oh, Alex, he, uh...
Andrew needs to be changed.

All right. Wa... No!
Mom, Mom, wait a minute.

Don't do this to me, Mom!
I've only had one lesson, Mom...

All right. Okay.

Andy, it's just
you and me.

Bear with me.

Okay. I know
this seems like

a great deal to you,
but, uh...

you know, you're gonna have
to give it up sooner or later.

Yeah, hold on.

Just... try and stay
in that position.

Oh, it's you.
What do you want?

I just came by to pick up
some of my books.

Well, come in
and get 'em.

What are you doing?

I'm gardening.

What does it look like
I'm doing?

I'm changing Andrew.

Oh. Need any help?

No, I don't need any help.

I am perfectly capable...

Could you, uh,
hold this leg

and, uh, grab a diaper?

How could you bust up
my date like that?

Aw, hey! You shouldn't have been
on that date in the first place.

Gimme the powder.

Here's the powder,
and you shouldn't

have asked her out either.

Hey, I only asked her out

because I knew you were gonna
ask her out, which you did.

Pins.

And I only asked her out because
I knew you were going to.

And you did.
Here are the pins.

Yeah, well, uh, thanks to you,
I made a fool of myself.

I made a fool
out of myself too.

Okay, uh...

all done here.

There you go.

That doesn't look right.

No, let's try again.

You know, Alex, when I left
the poetry reading,

I took a walk
down Foxwood Road

past the Little League
field.

Remember that team
we used to play on?

Wilson's House
of Fine Lingerie?

We had the nicest uniforms
in the league.

Lace cuffs.

See-through jerseys.

When I was standing there,

I thought of all the stuff

we've been through together:

all the Cub Scout meetings,
the camping trips,

the low-interest loans
you've given me.

We're supposed
to be friends, Alex.

Why are we
always competing?

Competition is the backbone
of our relationship, James.

I mean, we just push each other
to do better.

Whoa, okay.
Moment of truth.

You want to put your finger
right there?

Here?
Yeah. Right. And... got it.

Oh... Okay.
All right.

Okay. There you go.
All right!

Mwah.

There you go.

Well, we're still
a great team.

Yeah, you know, this could be
our new business:

uh, Keaton and Jarrett,
Tutoring and Diapering.

No, you mean,
Jarrett and Keaton,

Diapering and Tutoring.

No, that's not
what I said. I said...

That's what I meant
to say.

And I meant to say
what you said.

It's gonna be
a great business.

"We'll keep
your grades high... "

"And your babies dry. "