Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 2, Episode 6 - Speed Trap - full transcript

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪



♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

Alex. Glad you could
make it down

for the final 30 seconds
of dinner.

Oh, sorry, mom.
I was in the middle of studying.

You know, if I was to break
concentration at that point,

it would've been a fatal error.

This week, every minute,
every second is precious.

Don't be so melodramatic, Alex.

What's the big deal
about studying for midterms?

Why don't you try it sometime
and find out, Mallory?

Alex, Mallory's been making
great strides



this year in her schoolwork.

Didn't you say you thought you'd
get a 'B' in biology this term?

I did say that.

I did think that.

I was wrong.

Anyway, it's not the same, dad.
See, I'm a senior.

These are the last grades
I'll get

that will count towards college.

Oh, and on top of that,

the State Scholarship exam
is on Saturday.

I'm probably gonna emerge
from this week a babbling idiot.

You're a week ahead of schedule.

Oh, Steven, your special's
about to start.

Mm. Come on, kids,
you'll love it.

It's called "The Wolverine.
A vanishing breed."

You know what a Wolverine is,
don't you, Jen?

Sure. It's half-wolf
and half-nectarine.

Better watch the show.

Uh, Mallory.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Why? What do you want?

It's just a small thing.

Well, the size surprises me.

Okay, listen, I...
I'm in trouble.

I-I-I've got more work
to do this week

than... Than even I can manage.

So I need your help.

Do you want me to write
one of your term papers for you?

This is no time for jokes,
Mallory.

Look, the help I need from you.

I-involves your friend,
uh, Effie.

Effie? What do you want
from Effie?

Well, does, uh...

Does she still take
those, uh, diet pills?

You know what I mean.
Amphetamines.

Speed? Shhhhh!

Yeah, she does. Why?

Well, t-they speed up
your metabolism, you know?

They give you extra energy.

I, uh,
I may need that this week.

Alex, Effie has a prescription
for those pills.

It's illegal for anyone else
to take them.

Oh, come on, Mallory.

You took one yourself,
a couple of months ago,

when you were on that diet.
Right.

And it was you that talked me
out of taking any more.

You said they were dangerous

and that drugs weren't
the solution to anything.

Oh. Sure.
Throw that up in my face.

Look, Mallory, you know me
well enough to know

I am not gonna abuse the pills.

I probably won't even use 'em.

They will sit on my shelf,
and I won't touch 'em.

Okay. I'll talk
to Effie tomorrow.

No. Not tomorrow, tonight.

Uh, please.

The sooner I have them,

the sooner I, uh,
don't have to take 'em.

Okay. U.S. government.
Honors class. Mr. Wilkinson.

Title page...

"Herbert Hoover,
the lost savior."

By Alex P. Keaton.

Hi.

So...

Did you, uh...

I-I mean,
were you able to, uh...

Effie?

Yes, Alex, I got the speed.

Will you keep your voice down?

We are dealing with illegal
contraband here, Mallory.

What took you so long?

Effie didn't want to give up
the pills.

She said she needs them
for her diet.

How'd you talk her into it?

She likes you, Alex.

So, uh, I told her
you'd go out with her.

You what?!

I don't want to go out
with Effie.

She weighs 300 pounds.

Well, it's a lucky thing
for you she does,

or she wouldn't
have those pills.

All right, all right.
I'll go out with her.

Here they are.

Just be careful, okay?

Mallory...

Mallory, don't worry
your pretty little head

over this anymore.

I can safely say

that there is virtually
no possibility...

Of me taking even a single pill.

Believe me.

I know what I'm doing.

What am I doing?

Drugs.

These are drugs,
and I have them illegally.

"Effie Blatts.

Take one every morning
to control appetite."

I'm not Effie Blatts.

There's no way around it.

You know, if this
ever went to trial,

I wouldn't have
a leg to stand on.

I could wind up
on a road gang for this...

With Effie Blatts.

'Course, she would do
all the heavy work.

On the other hand,
what choice have I got?

Help me out here.

I mean, what would you do?

Pressure mounting
from all sides,

y-your entire future, your
career hangs in the balance.

Would you do something
you knew was wrong?

Elyse: Hey, Alex, you want to
take a break and join us?

Alex: I'm really busy, mom.

We're playing monopoly!

Then you'll join us?

Monopoly? You kidding me?
I'd love a game.

Uh, I-i thought you had
a lot of work to do?

Well, dad, I was thinking.

You know, term papers and exams
come and go,

but the family unit is
the one true constant in life.

The precious hours spent
in the familiar abode,

with loved ones,

playing a heartwarming game
such as this,

are what make memories

that one can treasure
for all eternity.

When did all that occur to you?

As I was coming down the stairs.

Are these dice
in proper working order?

Yes, all the dots
seem to be in place.

Okay. Okay, fine.
Mallory, you're first.

Okay.

10.

Oh, I'm on the Jail Square.

Uh, relax, relax.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

You're just visiting.

Okay, uh, my turn!

All right! Here we go!

Oh, oh, nobody took the thimble.

That's great. Here we go.

Okay, let's have boxcars
for daddy!

Oh!

Double threes. Six!

Okay. That puts me
on Oriental Avenue.

That costs $100. I'll buy that.

Okay, my turn.

Four.

Income tax. You have to pay.

Aw, that's not fair.
Could I take a do-over?

Oh, sure. Go ahead.

Whoa! Whoa! Hold the phone.

No do-overs.

Page four of the rule book says,
and I quote...

Alex, we're gonna let Jennifer
take a do-over.

Here are the dice, honey.

I won't stand for this.

This is a travesty.

This is a sin
against capitalism.

I'll be in the kitchen.

You call me
when it's my turn. Okay?

Alex...

Alex, you took
one of those pills, didn't you?

Nope.

Decided not to.

You did so, Alex. I can tell.

You're completely
out of control.

Mallory.
Mallory, don't be silly.

I'm fine.

Okay. Mom? Elyse: Yeah?

I was gonna give
the kitchen floors

a quick buffing.

Where do you keep the wax?

Never mind. I'll use my hands.

Uh, no, he isn't home yet,
Mrs. Obeck,

but I'll pass along your thanks.

Yeah, I'm glad
Alex did a good job

cleaning out your garage.

Uh, no, I don't know
why he did it, either.

I'm s-sorry he had to break
a window to get in.

Bye-bye.

What has gotten into
Alex this week?

I don't know, but our floors
have never looked better.

He's just trying to be helpful.

He oiled my roller skates
yesterday.

So?

So?!

I was skating at the time.

He has been in sort of
a frenzy of activity lately,

I mean, uh, even for Alex.

I don't notice any difference.

No difference?

Mallory, do you realize
how much work it takes

to install a skylight?

Great news. Great news!

I got my term paper on Hoover
back from Mr. Wilkinson.

A-plus. Nice work, Alex.

Look at this.
Look what he wrote on the front.

"An incredibly
well-argued thesis.

"I voted for Roosevelt
four times.

Thank you for showing me
the error of my ways."

I also got a 92
on my economics final

and an "A"
on my English term paper.

Does anybody have any laundry
they want me to do?

Alex, are you feeling all right?

Never better!

You just seemed a little...
Hyperactive.

Oh, wh-what you're seeing here
is simply

my natural boyish exuberance,
that's all.

It was bound to emerge
eventually.

I just worry about you...
That's all.

Ah! Mommy.

Not to worry.

I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna have a shower.

When I come back down,

I'll make myself
some dinner, okay?

Come on.

Did you get more pills
from Effie?

Yes, Alex, I did.

Good. Well, where are they?

I'm not giving 'em to you, Alex.

You've been taking them
all week,

and you've been acting
very weird.

Weird?

Weird?

D-do you mind giving me

an example
of this alleged "weirdness"

in, uh, in my recent behavior?

All right.

Why the sudden interest
in Jennifer's Dollhouse?

It's not a sudden interest
at all.

I've been concerned for a while

that her dolls
were a little cramped,

so I built an annex...

uh, a little more
breathing room for Molly

and, uh, whatever the hell
the other one's name is.

I'm not giving you
any more pills, Alex.

Mallory,

I've got the biggest tests
of my life coming up.

I just want you to give me
a couple more pills

to... to get me by, that's all.

And then that's the end.
Over. Finito.

No. You should be able
to study without them.

Oh, I-i don't believe this.

A lecture in study habits
from the C-minus poster girl.

Come on, Mallory.
I'm not asking you for a dozen.

Just one.

Maybe two.

How many you got? No, Alex.

Alex, that's mine! Give it back!

In a second, Mallory.
In a second.

Alex, you have no right
to do this!

Thanks.

Don't ever speak to me again.

Oh, lighten up, will you?

Oh, and, uh, Mallory,
you know, if you're thinking

of telling mom and dad
about this,

you just keep in mind...

You're not exactly
innocent here, either.

Is "The Miracle of Life" on yet?

Just started. What did I miss?

Uh, the sperm cell just
joined up with the egg cell.

What's that?

That's the inside
of a woman's uterus, honey.

Anyone famous?

I don't know.

Have to wait till the credits.

Hey, Alex. Good day at school?
Yeah.

You do well on your tests?
Fine. I did fine.

How were your papers?
What is this, the inquisition?

Oh, Alex, who do you think
you're talking to?

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
The... t-the tests went fine.

I got an A-minus
on my term paper.

I'm... I'm just... Tired,
that's all.

Have you seen Mallory? Uh, no.

Alex, you're interrupting
fertilization.

What is this trash
you're watching?

This isn't trash. Jennifer and I
have been planning

on watching this for weeks.

It's "The Miracle of Life."

They show how babies are made.

Man on TV:
Ensuing gestation period...

The stork brings babies,
Jennifer.

You're not supposed
to know otherwise

till you're 12 years old.

Alex, what are you doing?

I will not allow this smut
in my house!

This is not your house.
This is our house!

That is not smut, and I don't
like the way you're acting.

Oh, well, maybe I don't like
the way you're acting.

Okay, Alex, I don't know exactly

what's going on here,
but I don't like it.

You go on up to your room
and don't you come down

till you can be
a little more civil!

What?

Are you seriously telling me
to go to my room?

Yes, I am... no.
In fact, I got a better idea.

First, you clean up the kitchen,

then straighten up
the living room,

and then go to your room...
Any questions?

Yeah. Yeah, I have a question.

I most certainly do.

Which, uh, room

did you want me to clean first?

Your choice.

But, mom, what about the show?

We'll watch upstairs.

Good idea.

There's less chance of us
being interrupted

by Alex and his housework.

Mallory, Mallory, stop.

I'm not speaking to you, Alex.

Ma... Mallory, please.

Um, I took the...
The last one this morning,

and, uh, I'm starting
to feel real tired.

I just need a couple more

to get me through the test
tomorrow.

Call Effie for me, please.

Not a chance.

Mallory,
what do you want from me?

You want an apology?
Okay, all right, I'm sorry.

How about money?

Hello, Effie.

Yeah, it's Alex.

So where you been
hiding yourself?

Okay, the correct answer is,
I believe,

the Treaty of Westphalia,

and if I'm not mistaken...

the year was 1648.

Ah, right again.

This is child's play.

Let's face it...

I am flawlessly prepared
for this exam.

After tomorrow,
I can just pick my school.

Harvard.

Yeah, I think
I'll go to Harvard.

'Course, I shouldn't be
too hasty here.

The other Ivy league schools
are gonna want a shot at me.

Pretty soon, they'll all
be knocking at my door.

Aha! Here's one now.

Come on in.

I heard, uh,
some noise in here, Alex.

I thought I...

What are you doing?

Painting my walls.

You want me
to do your room next?

Alex, it's, uh,
3:30 in the morning.

I'll put a drop cloth
over you and mom.

You won't even know I'm there.

Put down the paintbrush.

It'll dry unevenly, dad.

Now, Alex!

You know, dad,

I am so flawlessly prepared
for this exam,

I'm not gonna miss
a single question.

I don't believe it!

Did you dig those trenches
in the backyard?

Yeah, I did.

Why?

Underground sprinkler system.

Alex, how many hours
have you slept this week?

I don't know...

Four.

Four hours all week?

So I've been peppy. So what?

You haven't been peppy, Alex...
You've been crazed.

Peppy, crazed.
Tomato, "tomahto."

Have you been taking
amphetamines?

No. No... me?

No way, dad. Not me.

Alex.

Don't lie to me.

All right, okay. I admit it.

I-I-i borrowed a few
from Mallory's friend Effie.

Okay?

No, it is not okay!

Look, d-dad, I just needed 'em

to get me through this week.

Look. Look, I'll prove it
to you, okay?

See? These are all of them
I-in the garbage.

Gone. I've taken my last one.
That is not the point, Alex.

You shouldn't have been
taking them in the first place,

no matter how much
you had to do.

Dad, they work.
They... they helped me.

I have gotten more done
this week

than I ever thought possible.

You got to admit it, dad.
The stuff works.

I know what it does. I used it
myself when I was in school.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Then how can you get mad at me?

This isn't a question
of my being mad at you, Alex.

I-it's much more complicated
than that.

Look...

I'm your father,

and right now
I see you taking a risk

with something
you know nothing about.

Now, this is
a dangerous, addictive drug

you're dealing with.

And nothing else matters to me

except stopping you
from taking it.

You don't have to worry be...

I-I'm done with it.

We're not done talking, Alex.

We'll talk more in the morning.

We could, uh,
both use some sleep.

I know I could, before I fill in
those trenches tomorrow.

And, uh,
I know you need to study.

Well, I-i pulled
a few all-nighters myself

when I was in school.

I, uh, I remember
my roommate Roland koonikowski.

Uh.

We used to call him the owl,

but it wasn't because
he stayed up late...

He could turn his head
all the way...

He's still asleep, Elyse.

Alex. Alex.

Alex. Alex, wake up!
You're late for your test!

No! No, Effie! Effie!
No, get back!

Mom? Dad? What time is it?

It's 20 after 8:00.

The test. It's already
started, Alex.

We thought you'd gone
an hour ago.

I overslept.

I can't believe it.
I got to get going.

Alex. Help me.

Alex. Elyse, get him up.

Did I fall down? Come on.

I think... now, look,
I think you can forget the test.

I got to get going.

The door?

Where's the door?!

Where are my... Where did I...

It's got to be somewhere...

The garbage!
Probably in the garbage.

Alex! Alex! Stop it! Stop it!

It's over!

It's over.

I never oversleep.

Never! Never!

I have one of those
internal clock radios.

I had that scholarship
in the bag.

And I blew it!

Speed is like that, Alex.

It'll keep you up for a while,

but when you crash,
uh, you crash hard.

I thought I could handle it.

Well, look at how
you're handling it.

You're... you're on your knees
rummaging through the garbage,

looking for someone else's
diet pills.

I guess I've had finer moments.

You know how you feel right now?

Yeah.

Don't ever forget it.

Believe me, I won't.

Alex, why are you still here?

Ma... Mallory.

I overslept.

I missed the test.

It was the pills.
I-i couldn't wake up.

Mom and dad
know about the pills.

I told them everything.

Then you know
I gave the pills to Alex.

I didn't tell them that.

Mallory, you gave him the pills?

She didn't want to, mom.

I pressured her into
getting them from Effie.

She even tried
to talk me out of it.

Uh, Mallory...

I had no right
to use you like that.

I'm sorry.

Something going on here
I should know about?

Yeah. Yeah, I was just
apologizing to Mallory

for treating her badly,

and, uh, to you, too, Jennifer,

for, um, being such a creep
all week.

Am I on "Candid Camera"?

Why don't we all
clear out of here and, uh...

And let Alex get some sleep?

We'll, uh... we'll talk more
about this later,

when you wake up.

From the looks of you,
that should be about Thursday.

You look awful, Alex.

How could I do this, Mallory?

I was out of control.

Okay. I-i-it was like
it wasn't even me,

like it was somebody else.

Very scary, Mallory.

It was scary for me, too.
I didn't know who you were.

It was like you were
a different person.

Well, uh...

The old Alex is back.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm glad to see you.

Oh, by the way,
um, Effie called.

She said, uh,
when you pick her up tonight,

dress casual...

and she's hungry.