Family Ties (1982–1989): Season 2, Episode 11 - Birthday Boy - full transcript

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ and I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed

♪ and I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love
each other through ♪



♪ ooh-hoo

♪ what would we do, baby

♪ without us?

♪ sha-la-la-la

All packed up.

Everything going
according to plan here?

Yep. Pretty much under control.

You know, I think it's a shame

that you're gonna be in
Washington on Alex's birthday.

Well, at least I was with Alex
on Washington's birthday.

You know, now, I'm not one
to pat myself on the back,

but I think
it's a pretty good idea

having a pre-birthday party
for Alex.

Too bad it couldn't be
for someone else.



He's here!

Oh! Okay, okay,
uh, everybody hide!

Come on, right there.

Shh.

Here he comes. Shh. Shh.

Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!

Where'd he go?

I don't know.

Alex?

Oh, Alex?

Oh, there you all are.

Elyse: Oh!

What's going on?

Surprise.Surprise.
Surprise.Surprise.

Oh.

A surprise party for me?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I...
But I don't get it.

This went off without a hitch.

Your mom thought
it'd be a good idea

to have a little birthday party
for you now,

since I won't be back
from the PBS conference

until Saturday night.

Here, Alex. We got you a cake.

"Happy bar mitzvah, Martin."

Oh, the bakery made a mistake.

It was the thought that counts.

This is really nice. Thank you.

Well, now, this isn't all.

Saturday night, the girls and I
are gonna take you out

for a very special dinner,

and we'll give you
your gifts then.

Mm-hmm. For now,
you just get mine.

Happy bar mitzvah, Martin.

Whoa.

State of the art in radios.

A nine-band compact receiver

with slide-rule LED Tuning.

Picks up any station
in the world.

Man: This is radio Switzerland.

Yodel-lay-ho-ho! Whoa.

These are the prices
of precious metals.

Gold closed at 408,
silver at 27,

copper was down.

Yodel-lay-ho...

Dad, do you realize

I am getting this information

six hours before
the rest of the free world?

Oh, thank you!

He seems to like it.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, mom. Hi, mom.

Hello, Elyse.

Well...

I-I-i figured that since I am
virtually an adult now,

I-I could call you Elyse...

Mom.

Mommy.

I'll get dinner started.

Alex, I asked you this morning

to take the garbage out
before you went to school.

Yeah, listen.
Mom, uh, I've been thinking.

You know, I have been taking out
the garbage

for many years now,

and, uh, I think
I've gotten all I can

out of the experience.

I've been grooming the minors
to take over for me.

So, now is the time...

♪ da da da-da

for the ceremonial
handing down of the trash.

Mallory?

Jennifer.

Nice try, Alex.

Yeah, okay.
Uh, I'll do it later, mom.

I got to put this stuff away.

So, what did you do today?

Ah, school, some other stuff.

What other stuff?

This, that.

How does it feel,

day before your 18th birthday?

Fine. It was... it was fine.
Nothing special.

Pleasant chatting with you.

I'll get that. Mom!
Mom, I'll get that.

I'll get that.

Hello?

Hey, Ted. How you doing, pal?

Yeah. Yeah, 18 tomorrow.

How does it feel?

Come on, Ted. It feels great.

I have had
the most incredible day.

I can't even begin
to tell you about it.

Well, all right.

Why don't I just come over now?

Yeah, okay.
I'll tell you all about it.

All right. See you later.

Uh, see you later, mom.

But, Alex, where are you going?

I'm going over to Ted's.

But we're...
It's almost time for dinner.

Oh, come on, mom. I'm excited.

What? It's the day before
my 18th birthday.

I-I feel like talking
to someone.

Oh.

Well, before you go,

I want to ask you
about your birthday dinner.

Now, I made reservations
at Facudo's. Is that okay?

Mom, ah... I can't make it.

Uh, Neil and Doug are gonna
take me out for my birthday.

But the girls and I
already planned this.

We're really
looking forward to it.

Well, come on, mom.

I mean, I can go out
with you and the girls anytime.

Well, where are they
gonna take you?

It's gonna be a big night, mom.

We're going down
to wheeling, West Virginia.

Neil...

Neil knows this bar down there,
the Camelot inn.

Whoa! We're gonna go there,

then afterwards we're gonna stay
at Neil's brother's apartment

down in West Virginia.

Well, I-i don't know
if I like this idea.

Well, why not?

Well, for one thing,

wheeling is 100 miles away.

Well, what does that
have to do with anything?

You let dad go to Washington.

That's 431 miles away.

Alex...

I don't like the idea
of you going to a bar.

I mean, I don't think
it's appropriate

for someone your age.

Mom, I'm gonna be 18.

Look, the... the West Virginia
state legislature

spent a lot of time
and effort deciding

that 18 is the appropriate age
for this sort of thing.

I don't think you should be
second-guessing them.

I don't care about the
West Virginia state legislature.

I mean, Alex, I'm your mother,

and I have veto power over them.

It's part of our system
of checks and balances.

My answer's no.

Mom, you know as well as I do,

if dad were here,
he'd let me go.

I'm here.

I have made my decision.

What your father would
or wouldn't do is irrelevant.

I'll tell you
what's irrelevant...

This whole discussion
is irrelevant!

Look, 18 is the legal age
of adulthood,

which means I now have the right
to live my own life

without having to clear it
with you!

No, sir!

Not while you're living
under this roof!

Now, birthday or no birthday,

you are not leaving this house
tomorrow night,

and that is final!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Well, uh, let me
tell you something.

I am not...

Taking that trash out...

until I am good and ready.

Ohh!

How you doing, Alex?

Great.

Just, uh, just great.

Happy birthday.

Yeah. Yeah, some birthday.

I'm stuck in the house

because of some arbitrary edict

handed down
by a ruthless dictator

who has no appreciation
for the concept of adulthood.

Many happy returns.

Why is she doing this, Mallory?

I don't know all the facts,
Alex,

but she must have good reason.

I never heard you say that
when you were grounded.

Well, since it's you,
I can be more objective.

Uh, girls,
could I have a few minutes

alone with Alex, please?

Sure, mom.

Uh, were you able
to get in touch with Neil?

No. No, he was out all day.

On top of everything else now,

I have to face the guys
in person

and tell them
I can't go to the bar

because my mommy won't let me.

Well, if... if you'd like,

you can ask the boys
if they would like to stay

and celebrate
your birthday with you.

I mean, I made this cake,
and I have ice cream.

Are there gonna be
pony rides, too?

I'll let you handle this.

Hey! Hey!

Happy birthday, Keaton!

Well, welcome
to the big leagues, guy.

Well, let's get a move on, Alex.

The Camelot inn beckons us.

Jousting, wenches.

I called this girl I met
last time I went down there...

Roxanne.

She's meeting us and bringing
a couple of friends.

I can't go.

What?

I had a big fight with my mom,

and she's making me stay home.

On your birthday?

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Alex, come on.

Talk to her. Do something.

There's a beautiful girl in
wheeling with your name on her.

No. Forget it, guys. Forget it.

She's not gonna change her mind.

Just, uh...
Just go ahead.

Have a good time.

I hate to go without you...
But okay.

Kind of ironic, isn't it?

What?

Well, I mean, your not being
able to go with us tonight.

I mean, after all,

this was supposed to be
your big night.

Your 18th birthday,
your coming of age.

Oh, well.

No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, guys.

Not so fast.

I'm coming with you.

Hey, I'm 18.
I can do what I want.

Uh, what about your mommy, Alex?

Let me deal with her.

Hey, unfair rules
are made to be broken.

That's the American way.

Now you're talking.

Let's get out of here.

So...

is this a classy place
or what?

It's really elegant.

Those are our dates.

This is the greatest place
I have ever been.

Hey, Roxanne!

I'm glad you remembered me
when I called.

How could I forget?

It's not every day
I meet someone

in your line of work.

Uh, yeah. I guess that's true.

So, how did your
Space Shuttle flight go?

It was very enjoyable.

These are my friends,
Buffy and Christy.

Hi. Hello.

Uh, please, sit down. Sit down.

Two more Excaliburs
and a Dragon's Breath.

I'd like you girls to meet

a couple of young air force
cadets under my charge.

This is lieutenant Lippman.

Ladies.

And this is colonel Keaton.

Uh, how you doing?

This is a big night
for colonel Keaton, girls.

Tomorrow morning at 0500 hours,

he flies his first mission
into hostile enemy territory.

Really?

Come on, Neil.

Well, he's exaggerating.

Hmm.

A little.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I-it's... it's...
It's not my first mission.

It's...
It's my first solo mission.

Yeah, and I'm going with him.

Oh.

What country are you attacking?

Oh, uh...

Canada.

We're not at war with Canada.

Wait, are we?

Are you scared?

Tell me, Buffy,

what place is there for fear

in a struggle
whose ultimate goal

is nothing less than
the survival of Liberty?

I don't know.

So, are you scared?

Let me tell you a little story
about fear, Buff.

Uh, about a year ago,

I'm... I'm up in my F-14
doing a test flight.

I'm about 70,000 feet up.

I had that puppy going mach 2.

All of a sudden,

the fan belt goes out on me.

And you know something?

Any other pilot
in that situation

might have felt fear.

But, uh, not this guy. No, sir.

Doug: Uh, Alex.

That's colonel Keaton.

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Colonel Keaton, I mean.

What is it?

Your mother's here.

I want you to come home with me.

Excuse me...

but the colonel
happens to be my date.

The colonel?

Uh, yeah. Maybe some other time.

Tonight is a big night for him.

Tomorrow morning,
he's invading Canada.

Oh, I see!

May I have a word
with you, please,

colonel Keaton?

Your orders have been
radically changed.

Um, Mrs. Keaton?

Would you please not tell my mom

that you saw me here?

Why is his mother here?

Uh, she probably
came down to wish him luck

on his mission tomorrow.

You had no right
to defy me, Alex!

I want you to leave
with me right now!

No. Mom, this is crazy.

Look, we can talk
about this later.

Tomorrow morning.

You're invading Canada
tomorrow morning.

Mom, I'm not leaving with you.
No way.

You are coming home with me
right now, young man,

and that is final!

Hi.

Uh...

Neil, Doug, ladies,

I got to go.

Have a safe mission.

Mom.

Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.

He's still out there, mom.

Is he gonna stay
in the car all night?

Well, he'll have to come in
for breakfast.

Can't we just put a bowl out
by the back door?

You know, this is ridiculous.

He didn't talk to me
the whole way home,

and now he won't even
get out of the car.

It's gonna lower
the resale value.

M...

Jen, why don't we...

I'm with you.

I'm with you.

Mom...

I made a pact with myself
never to speak to you again.

But I've given myself
permission to suspend it.

Briefly.

Because frankly, mom,

the curiosity is killing me.

How on earth
can you possibly justify doing

what you did to me tonight?

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Oh, I know!

I know.

You're mad
because I disobeyed you.

Well, let me
tell you something, mom...

I only disobeyed you
because you were wrong.

Without just cause
or provocation,

you denied me permission

to do something I have
every right in the world to do.

Oh, sure.

Sure, this is your house.

And as long as it's your house,
I got to live by your rules.

Well, that used to be true.

Not anymore, mom.
I'm an adult now.

I got 18 years
under this belt...

And my life is in my own hands.

Have you anything else to say?

I thought not.

All right, mom. Okay.

I think I've refuted
all your arguments.

Until you are ready
to apologize to me,

I am done speaking with you.

Oh! I didn't realize
you'd started speaking with me.

What is that supposed to mean?

For the past two days, Alex,

you have complained to me,

grunted at me, lectured to me,

and presented me
with ultimatums,

but not once... not... not once
have you even come close

to talking with me.

Semantics.

Okay, mom. All right.

Okay, okay.

I haven't been
very "chatty" lately.

I haven't been a million laughs.

That is not the issue here.

The issue here is my right
to live my own life

without having you
try and control it!

You have every right
to live your own life.

I'm not trying to deny you that.

Oh, no?!

Oh, no?!

Okay, then why did you drive
100 miles and humiliate me

in front of half the state
of West Virginia?

You had a few hours to kill?

No, Alex. I did it
because you defied me.

And even more important
than that,

I did it because I was hurt
and angry and fed up!

About what?

I've tried starting
conversations with you,

only to be politely dismissed.

I've asked for you
to help around the house

and been ignored.

You canceled out
dinner plans that I had made

without a moment's thought
to m concern in the matter.

I do not enjoy
being made to feel like

an intrusion and an annoyance
in my own son's life!

Okay. Look, mom.

I'm... I'm sorry that
I wasn't more sensitive.

Okay, I guess
I should have been.

But I'm not used to
thinking that way

when it pertains to you.

I mean, I-i-i think of you
as my mother,

not... not as a person.

You know what I mean.

Surprise, Alex.
I am a real person.

Flesh and blood, real feelings!

And maybe in...
In one sense,

I was wrong not to let you
go out with your friends.

But if you want me to respect
your rights as an adult,

then you better
start respecting mine!

Okay, I didn't
respect your rights,

and you didn't respect mine.

So, uh...

How do we figure out who's right
and who's wrong here?

There is no absolute
right or wrong.

It's my job as a parent
to... to set boundaries,

and it's your job
to negotiate to change them.

When you were 7 years old,
we got in an argument

because you wanted to walk
to school by yourself.

I remember.

I remember, and, uh...

I was right.

And you let me go.

Yes. But I followed you.

And I hid behind
trees and mailboxes

to make sure
you looked both ways

and you crossed on the green.

Did I?

Yes.

In fact, when another kid

tried to cross
in the middle of the block,

you made a citizen's arrest.

Yeah, that was
little Timmy Dugan.

I let him off with a warning.

It's unbelievable to me, Alex...

That 18 years ago tonight,
I had a baby boy.

Me, right?

Ever since that night,

you've been trying so hard
to grow up,

and I've been trying so hard
not to let it happen.

Well, considering, uh...

We have been
at cross purposes, uh...

I think we're doing all right.

Mom, um...

I'm sorry that I've been
treating you so rotten lately.

Accepted.

Sorry I ruined your dinner.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I had to go to bed early anyway.

I'm attacking Canada
in the morning.

Good luck.

Thank you.

And happy birthday.

Thank you.

I love you, honey. I-i...

Aw, mom. Don't start that stuff.

I love you too, mom.

Oh.

Ah, it's getting pretty late.
You coming up?

Yeah. In a second.

Uh, there's something
I got to do first.

I just want to take
this garbage out.

Elyse.