Family Reunion (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Remember Macho Mazzi? - full transcript
[scats] ♪ A Netflix Original ♪
♪ I want y'all to meet my family ♪
♪ They're coming down south
To stay with me ♪
-♪ Big Moz ♪
-♪ Do you love me? ♪
-♪ Yep ♪
-♪ I'm Cocoa ♪
♪ Jade in the house,
I've got a lot to say ♪
♪ I'm a big sis,
Can't-miss renegade ♪
-♪ Call me Shaka now ♪
-♪ Hey ♪
-♪ I'm the, I'm the chief rocker now ♪
-♪ Hey ♪
♪ Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi
That's me ♪
-♪ Little mommy, I'm Ami ♪
-♪ Hey ♪
♪ Singing loud and having fun ♪
♪ It's Family Reunion ♪
[M'Dear laughs]
[Jackson] Family Reunion was filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
-Come on, get to the outside.
-Truck that dude! Truck him!
Touchdown!
Oh, my God!
Pay up!
Are you standing on my couch?
He threw me up here!
Get down.
And fix my pillows.
-Wait. That's it? What, no fussing?
-Well, she just went to the doctor.
[Moz] Is it bad news?
Please don't let her be pregnant again!
I love being the baby of the family.
I'm fine. That nosy doctor
was all up in my business.
How much I weigh.
That's between me and my Jesus.
-What'd she say about your blood pressure?
-Well, she said it was a little high.
[sighs] She gave me a choice.
Take these pills or get rid of my stress.
So, Daniel, go home.
-Wait. You're not gonna take these pills?
-No. I can control my pressure without it.
All I need to do is make
a few minor lifestyle changes,
like meditate or do some yogurt.
You mean yoga.
You ain't my doctor!
Well, you might also want to cut out
those bacon sandwiches.
Didn't I tell you to go home?
Can't believe my Seahawks
let it slip away.
Yeah, I can, I can.
-[sniffs] I'm just saying.
-Man, get--
Shaka's going out for the school team?
No. That boy's got
all the athletic ability in the world,
-but he channels it through his thumbs.
-Oh. Oh.
Well, what about Mazzi?
-Mazzi's not the football type of kid.
-What type of kid is he?
♪ Who wants cookies? ♪
Oh. Got you.
See, Mazzi likes singing, baking,
playing trumpet. Not football.
I like football.
Liking football and playing football
are completely different things, son.
It's all good. Boy, you can sing,
you can play in the band,
and these sprinkles? What?
You're a triple threat.
Thanks.
-Mm.
-[Daniel laughs]
That's my boy.
-What can I say? Mazzi's musical.
-Ah.
[both laugh]
[Moz sighs]
-You see this one?
-I see it right there. I see it.
[door opens]
This is so pretty.
-I want one.
-You got $1,500?
No, but I can give you
my everlasting love.
-Aw, I'll take that.
-Oh.
And $1,500.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, come on.
It would go great with this.
Wait. Is that my tiara?
[laughs] Yeah.
Doesn't it look great on me?
Yeah, it does look great on you,
but why is it on you?
Well, I'm prepping for
when I compete in Miss Teen Columbus.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
-Is it time?
-[laughs]
-Are you ready?
-Yes, I'm ready!
[both shriek]
I'm so excited! Your first pageant!
I'm-- I'll be your coach, of course.
We need to start prepping ASAP.
Actually, I set up an interview
with the hottest pageant consultant
in the state--Haven Sheeks.
She was Miss Galaxy 1998,
and she has the most girls go on
to compete in Miss Teen USA.
Oh. Okay.
But I bet she can't play the spoons
as well as I can.
Oh! Ho, ho. Ah!
[laughs]
-Okay, well, let me try.
-Hoo.
-Oh.
-[spoon hits ground]
Oops.
Hey, Mazzi.
-Sure you want to do this, buddy?
-I'm sure. I got this.
Okay. Go get 'em.
-Please tell me he's not skipping.
-He's skipping.
[chuckles] That poor kid.
I'm just glad I'm not his uncle.
-[laughing]
-Big Moz.
-Coach Atkins.
-What's up, Coach?
Hey, just want to let you know.
I'm not playing that favoritism game.
You and your boy
are just like everybody else.
-Okay.
-[shutter clicks]
Uh, hey. Did you just...
No. That would be unprofessional.
Okay, Panthers.
We have a new player
by the name of Mazzi McKellan.
Let's see what he's got.
Come on, line up. Let's go.
[cheering]
All right, McKellan,
the objective is to get to the end zone
-without being tackled. All right?
-[blows whistle]
Hike!
Uh. Uh. Go!
-Go!
-[kids grunting]
Go!
-Whoo!
-Go!
-[both] Whoo!
-[whistle blaring]
-Did I just see what I think I saw?
-Man, I don't know.
He was moving so fast,
my eyes couldn't keep up.
-My boy's a natural.
-Mm!
[laughs] Hey, did your dad teach you
to juke like that?
Actually, I took a modern-dance class.
Those pliés really help.
[kids laughing]
-Oh, no.
-I'll go start the car.
You all need to take that class,
'cause Mazzi just danced his way
into the starting lineup.
[kids cheering]
Yes! I knew it, huh?
That's my boy. That's my boy.
[knock on door]
-[laughs] Hi.
-Haven Sheeks!
Miss Galaxy, Galaxy, Galaxy, Galaxy...
Did she just do her own echo?
[Haven gasps]
-Mercy, Jade, you look gorgeous.
-Oh.
Did you do my make-up tutorial?
Your contouring is exquisite.
[laughs]
Yes. Oh, my God,
it is such a pleasure to meet you.
-Oh.
-I have read your book cover to cover.
It's mostly pictures,
but that's why I loved it.
[laughs]
Uh, hi. I'm, uh, Jade's mom.
-Uh.
-Cocoa McKellan.
As a title holder myself...
I was Miss Rancho Cucamonga
three years running.
Oh, well, bless your little heart.
So I know the circuit.
What can you do for Jade I can't?
Wow. Hoo hoo. No small talk here.
Well, I've got five million followers,
three best-selling books,
and a podcast on how to get
five million followers
and three best-selling books.
Impressive. But look at Jade's face.
It shouldn't be hidden by make-up.
-It should showcase her natural beauty.
-Well, that's where you're wrong, Cocoa.
There's nothing natural about beauty.
But I'll let my work speak for itself.
Okay.
[Jade gasps]
Oh. Uh.
These are the same girls?
Haven, you're a miracle worker.
I know.
Without me, these girls would be Miss...
Rancho Cucamonga.
[laughs]
[Jade chuckles]
Now, Jade...
Let me ask you the most important question
you'll ever be asked in your entire life.
Why are you entering
the Miss Teen Columbus pageant?
W-Well, I grew up watching pageants
with my mom
and watching these beautiful girls
turn into royalty.
They just seemed so magical. Heh heh.
No, it ain't magic, honey.
It's hard work.
But if anyone
can get you that crown, it's me.
Well, at the prices you're charging,
you should offer a guarantee.
Guarantee? Honey, I'm changing lives,
not spark plugs.
[upbeat music playing]
Ah. Pancakes? Come on, guys.
It's three in the afternoon.
-Mm-mm-mm. We're carbo-loading.
-That's right.
Mazzi gotta get his weight up
since he's gonna be
the Baby Black Panthers'
new star running back!
What? Mazzi made the team?
Yes. Why do you sound so surprised?
Yo, man. Heads up.
No reason.
Shouldn't we wait until Mazzi gets bigger?
I mean, he could get hurt.
[scoffs] They can't hurt
what they can't catch. That boy's fast.
Hmm. ♪ He get it from his mama ♪
-[both laughing]
-[Daniel] Hey.
I can't eat another bite.
Well, I guess I have to take this to go.
I will see you guys later.
Oh. Hey, M'Dear, you out of syrup.
-Ooh.
-Not today and namaste.
Ohm.
[female] Mountain pose.
And breathe.
[both exhale]
This is easy.
Especially the breathing part.
[both exhale]
Now move into the lunge pose.
Now hold it.
Ooh.
This is making my bad knee hurt.
Ooh, it's making my good knee hurt.
[M'Dear exhales]
-How long do we have to do this?
-Ahh.
Now hold this pose for three minutes.
Uhh. Water break.
Where are you going?
What part of "water" and "break"
is confusing to you?
You know what, Amelia?
We have got to take this seriously.
Girl, you know high blood pressure
runs in our family,
and that's how Daddy died.
You don't have to remind me of that.
I'm trying, doing this yoga
and watching my diet.
-I even made a healthy salad.
-Oh.
The recipe called for buttered lettuce.
I didn't have no buttered lettuce,
so I put in some buttered noodles.
They wanted tomatoes.
Didn't have any, so I used tomato sauce.
Then they wanted me to put in
some skinless chicken.
-Mm-hmm.
-Didn't have none of that...
so I had to use chicken sausage.
So what do you think?
I think you made spaghetti.
Want some?
Well, some garlic bread wouldn't hurt.
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
[cheering]
Everybody's talking about you, Macho.
-Macho?
-That's your new nickname--Macho Mazzi.
Macho Mazzi?
I like that.
[girls] Hey, Mazzi, over here. Mazzi.
Look, Macho,
the band geeks are waving at you.
Uh, yeah. T-Those are my friends.
[laughs] You got moves and jokes.
[kids laughing]
Come on. Cold root beers on me.
♪ Okay ♪
[gasps] Your head is huge.
-What?
-Oh. Oh, it's a good thing.
All the great queens
have bobblehead heads. Heh.
Okay.
Oh, honey, we are gonna make history.
Oh. Well, you've already made history.
I mean, with your track record, it's--
Yes.
I have had many pageant winners,
but I never had one like you.
-You think I'm special?
-Oh, yes.
[chuckles] And you're black.
That...
-is true.
-Oh, ethnicity is so in right now.
We just need to lean into your blackness.
You could recite a poem by Nikki Giovanni
or a speech by Harriet Tubman.
Oh, oh, oh. Michelle Obama.
Mm. Everybody loves her.
She's crossover black.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Girl ♪
-[all] Ooh!
-Wow!
-Oh, he stuck that guy!
-[Moz] Mm.
What kind of testosterone-filled ritual
did I walk into?
Just celebrating our son potentially being
the greatest running back of all time.
Hoo.
-[laughs]
-[Moz] Get 'em.
And now I'm the thirstiest.
-Hey, get me a root beer.
-Uh, what's the magic word?
-Now.
-[gasps] Uh. Oh.
Yes, 9-1-1, we got a homicide.
A homicide, a homicide.
Um, excuse me.
Who do you think you're talking to?
-Sorry, Mom.
-Yeah.
I think you should go upstairs
to your room
and put that little attitude
in check, mister.
-[Mazzi sighs]
-But don't check it too much.
I got some money on you boys.
Mazzi has never talked to me like that.
If this is what football
is turning him into, I don't like it.
Come on, Cocoa,
he's being a normal boy.
Oh, so you condone this toxic masculinity?
Absolutely not.
But tell me what that is
so I'm sure I'm not.
Overly aggressive, misogynistic,
obsessed with his manly status?
He's not doing that.
This is just a classic case of guys--
What? Boys being boys?
Now, how come every time
a black man gets a little excited,
people try to label us with
fancy new terms like "toxic masculinity"?
No, no, no, no, it's not black men.
It's all men.
Oh, really? Being aggressive
is how I provided for my family.
Well, you never talked to me
the way Mazzi just did.
I said I'm aggressive.
I'm not crazy.
-Right?
-Mm.
-Mm.
-[laughs]
Sipping mint juleps on the veranda.
Ooh, I love our Southern traditions.
-[chuckles]
-Mm-mm-mm.
Girl, it tastes like juice,
but it's making me feel loose.
[both laughing]
Now you understand
how I sashayed through life,
husbands, disappointment,
all laissez les bon temps rouler.
Ooh.
Oui, oui, Lady Marmalade.
[laughs]
Ooh, this tastes good! Hah.
You know what? I can feel
my blood pressure is dropping already.
Oh, well, that calls for another drink.
Oh, for medicinal purposes, of course.
Oh, okay.
-We have to do what these doctors tell us.
-We must.
-We must.
-Yes.
[laughs]
-Oh, and thank you, Dr. Feelgood.
-Hello.
Yes.
-[whistle blows]
-Whoo-hoo! You got this, Mazzi! Go, go!
[Cocoa] Oh! Oh! Oh.
-[whistle blows]
-That's all right, baby. Shake it off.
Chad's handoff was too hot.
Shh. I think that's Chad's mom.
How do you know?
Well, Chad's mom needs to teach her son
how to hand the ball off.
And Mazzi's dad needs to teach his son
how to hold on to the ball.
Oh, right, that's why they called you
Dropsy McKellan.
That was one game, Chad's mom.
It was the Super Bowl!
So? We won.
Mazzi's doing his thing, right, coach?
Better than Chad?
Mazzi's a heck of a player.
Got a lot of passion.
But he'd be even better
if he could channel all of his energy
into a more positive direction.
Uh, what do you mean?
[grunting and screaming]
Aah!
[Moz] Oh.
I guess he prefers the red Gatorade.
[sighs] Jade,
you look absolutely stunning.
I do.
-I actually do.
-[both chuckle]
Now for the finishing touch.
I thought you said I look stunning.
Oh, you do,
but, uh, diversity is trending right now,
what with all this "Black Lives Matter"
and "Black Girl Magic"
and "Hail, Queen Bey."
All you need to win is to be yourself...
but with more color.
That's why we have this.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I dated a black boy once.
Daddy didn't like that, though.
-[knock on door]
-Come in.
Aren't you supposed to be getting dressed?
I'm still mad. Chad pitched the ball
too high and made me fumble.
It happens all the time.
Not to me.
Chad's playing like he's musical.
Hey. That's not a nice thing to say.
You and Uncle Daniel said it about me.
-And you're right. I had to get tough.
-Oh, man.
[sighs] Is that why
you wanted to play football?
Kind of.
It's what real men do, right?
Yeah... I mean, no.
You know, your Uncle Danny and I
can be blockheads sometimes
and say dumb stuff,
but I don't want to pass that on
to you kids.
-It's cool, Dad.
-Seriously, Mazzi.
I want you to know that you can be
anything you want.
Men can be clothing designers and bakers,
musicians. You name it.
-Really?
-Yeah.
I had a teammate
that played trumpet for years.
Even had his own band.
Shaq's opening up a new restaurant.
And LeBron James
has his own clothing line.
-Aren't they real men?
-Heck yeah.
Son, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel...
like you aren't good enough
the way that you are.
I just want you to be true to yourself.
'Cause that's what real men do.
I like football,
but I do miss the band... and baking.
Mom's cookies are good,
but they can't touch mine.
[chuckles] Nope.
After we go to Jade's pageant,
I hope you whip up a batch.
-Are you going to help?
-Um, I'll watch. I suck at baking.
Real men know their limitations.
You know, you might be needing this.
Come here.
I love you.
I love you, too, Dad.
[hip-hop music plays]
♪ Girl ♪
Hi. I just wanted to wish my daughter
good luck.
-Oh.
-And finito!
-[Jade laughs]
-Oh, you are my finest creation.
-Aah!
-Jade?
Oh. Sorry, I thought I heard my daughter.
No. No, Mom, it's me.
Jade? What...
What happened to you?
I happened. Ha ha.
I have helped your daughter
give meaning to the phrase,
"Black is beautiful."
Well, I don't know what you've heard,
but orange is not the new black.
I have merely enhanced
Jade's natural Afrocentric beauty.
Oh, and this looks natural to you?
My daughter looks like a Jamaican pumpkin.
Black is the new black.
Stay woke, sister.
First of all, sista...
my daughter's blackness is already intact,
and no spray tans, afros or butt pads
will make her any blacker.
Oh, uh...
these aren't pads, Mom.
Oh, well, go ahead, girl.
M'Dear's red beans and rice
didn't miss you.
[laughing]
Why are you still here?
-Yeah. You're fired.
-Ahh.
[Cocoa sighs]
Y'all ain't ready.
I-I can't go out there like this.
Mom, I... I just want to go home.
[sighs]
It's okay, sweetie.
Mommy will fix everything.
♪ Hey, hey ♪
Come on, girl! Yeah!
-Whoo.
-[sighs]
That was refreshing.
Now, wanna go around the block again?
Whew, I feel a little light-headed.
-Oh, well, come on, sit down.
-Whew.
-Okay.
-Sit down.
Ahh.
Now, Amelia, I know you think
you can beat this on your own,
but, honey,
high blood pressure is very serious.
And if you don't take the pills,
then you're putting yourself at risk.
So come on, honey, I'm begging you.
Take the damn pills!
[chuckles]
Okay, Maybelle, you win. I will take them.
Good. Well, come on.
Let's go get those pills
so we can get to
your grandbaby's pageant.
Remember when we used to
run around this block
twice in under five minutes?
No. Which reminds me,
I forgot to take my memory pill.
-What's wrong with you?
-I have three ex-husbands.
There's stuff I just don't wanna remember.
[hip-hop music playing]
I love your natural curls.
You look perfect.
-But I just look like me.
-Exactly.
But I want to be beautiful.
I want to win that crown
so everyone will know I'm special.
[female announcer] Pageant contestants,
please make your way to the stage.
Heh. There's no time to put on make-up.
-I-I can't do this, Mom.
-Psst.
-Mom.
-Trust me.
You do not need makeup, Jade.
Whether you win or not...
you are a beautiful black woman.
[pageant music playing]
[audience cheering and whistling]
[audience cheering]
[hip-hop music playing]
[Cocoa laughs]
-[Maybelle] Mm.
-There you go.
Mazzi ain't playing
with these cookies, y'all.
Mm. Oh, man, you ain't never lie.
-Do I taste blanched almonds?
-[laughs]
My boy can shake--mm--and bake.
[laughs] And my girl is the first black
Miss Teen Columbus.
[all cheering]
[M'Dear] Yes!
I like your hair like that, Jade.
-Oh, thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
I think I'm gonna start
wearing it curly more often. Heh heh.
I still can't believe I won.
Well, I told you,
nothing compares to natural beauty.
You've got the rest of your life
to worry about make-up.
Yeah. Like when you're 30
and actually need it.
But because you come from
such beautiful genes,
you may never need it.
-Mm-hmm. Close one.
-[Jade chuckles]
I have to give it to you, Cocoa.
Coaching Jade to victory
is very impressive.
Well, a few of the other moms
have already approached me
about the next competition.
All right, girl. Pageant coaching might
turn out to be your new side hustle.
And between that and her jewelry hustle,
well, she'll have one whole hustle.
Come on, sweetie.
Do your walk for us one more time.
Okay. I'll do it just for you guys.
[laughs] Okay. Ahem.
-[Moz] Whoa.
-[Cocoa] Oh.
-[Moz] Okay, all right. Wait.
-[Cocoa] Hey.
-[all] Oh!
-[Cocoa] Get it, get it...
-Get it, get it.
-[Maybelle] Walk, walk.
-Where is she going?
-Work it.
-Kiss the peasants. Kiss the peasants.
-[Cocoa] Hey, hey, hey.
[shutter clicks]
♪ What's up? ♪
♪ What's up?
Wh-What's up? ♪
[closing music playing]
[music ends]
♪ I want y'all to meet my family ♪
♪ They're coming down south
To stay with me ♪
-♪ Big Moz ♪
-♪ Do you love me? ♪
-♪ Yep ♪
-♪ I'm Cocoa ♪
♪ Jade in the house,
I've got a lot to say ♪
♪ I'm a big sis,
Can't-miss renegade ♪
-♪ Call me Shaka now ♪
-♪ Hey ♪
-♪ I'm the, I'm the chief rocker now ♪
-♪ Hey ♪
♪ Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi, Mazzi
That's me ♪
-♪ Little mommy, I'm Ami ♪
-♪ Hey ♪
♪ Singing loud and having fun ♪
♪ It's Family Reunion ♪
[M'Dear laughs]
[Jackson] Family Reunion was filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
-Come on, get to the outside.
-Truck that dude! Truck him!
Touchdown!
Oh, my God!
Pay up!
Are you standing on my couch?
He threw me up here!
Get down.
And fix my pillows.
-Wait. That's it? What, no fussing?
-Well, she just went to the doctor.
[Moz] Is it bad news?
Please don't let her be pregnant again!
I love being the baby of the family.
I'm fine. That nosy doctor
was all up in my business.
How much I weigh.
That's between me and my Jesus.
-What'd she say about your blood pressure?
-Well, she said it was a little high.
[sighs] She gave me a choice.
Take these pills or get rid of my stress.
So, Daniel, go home.
-Wait. You're not gonna take these pills?
-No. I can control my pressure without it.
All I need to do is make
a few minor lifestyle changes,
like meditate or do some yogurt.
You mean yoga.
You ain't my doctor!
Well, you might also want to cut out
those bacon sandwiches.
Didn't I tell you to go home?
Can't believe my Seahawks
let it slip away.
Yeah, I can, I can.
-[sniffs] I'm just saying.
-Man, get--
Shaka's going out for the school team?
No. That boy's got
all the athletic ability in the world,
-but he channels it through his thumbs.
-Oh. Oh.
Well, what about Mazzi?
-Mazzi's not the football type of kid.
-What type of kid is he?
♪ Who wants cookies? ♪
Oh. Got you.
See, Mazzi likes singing, baking,
playing trumpet. Not football.
I like football.
Liking football and playing football
are completely different things, son.
It's all good. Boy, you can sing,
you can play in the band,
and these sprinkles? What?
You're a triple threat.
Thanks.
-Mm.
-[Daniel laughs]
That's my boy.
-What can I say? Mazzi's musical.
-Ah.
[both laugh]
[Moz sighs]
-You see this one?
-I see it right there. I see it.
[door opens]
This is so pretty.
-I want one.
-You got $1,500?
No, but I can give you
my everlasting love.
-Aw, I'll take that.
-Oh.
And $1,500.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, come on.
It would go great with this.
Wait. Is that my tiara?
[laughs] Yeah.
Doesn't it look great on me?
Yeah, it does look great on you,
but why is it on you?
Well, I'm prepping for
when I compete in Miss Teen Columbus.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
-Is it time?
-[laughs]
-Are you ready?
-Yes, I'm ready!
[both shriek]
I'm so excited! Your first pageant!
I'm-- I'll be your coach, of course.
We need to start prepping ASAP.
Actually, I set up an interview
with the hottest pageant consultant
in the state--Haven Sheeks.
She was Miss Galaxy 1998,
and she has the most girls go on
to compete in Miss Teen USA.
Oh. Okay.
But I bet she can't play the spoons
as well as I can.
Oh! Ho, ho. Ah!
[laughs]
-Okay, well, let me try.
-Hoo.
-Oh.
-[spoon hits ground]
Oops.
Hey, Mazzi.
-Sure you want to do this, buddy?
-I'm sure. I got this.
Okay. Go get 'em.
-Please tell me he's not skipping.
-He's skipping.
[chuckles] That poor kid.
I'm just glad I'm not his uncle.
-[laughing]
-Big Moz.
-Coach Atkins.
-What's up, Coach?
Hey, just want to let you know.
I'm not playing that favoritism game.
You and your boy
are just like everybody else.
-Okay.
-[shutter clicks]
Uh, hey. Did you just...
No. That would be unprofessional.
Okay, Panthers.
We have a new player
by the name of Mazzi McKellan.
Let's see what he's got.
Come on, line up. Let's go.
[cheering]
All right, McKellan,
the objective is to get to the end zone
-without being tackled. All right?
-[blows whistle]
Hike!
Uh. Uh. Go!
-Go!
-[kids grunting]
Go!
-Whoo!
-Go!
-[both] Whoo!
-[whistle blaring]
-Did I just see what I think I saw?
-Man, I don't know.
He was moving so fast,
my eyes couldn't keep up.
-My boy's a natural.
-Mm!
[laughs] Hey, did your dad teach you
to juke like that?
Actually, I took a modern-dance class.
Those pliés really help.
[kids laughing]
-Oh, no.
-I'll go start the car.
You all need to take that class,
'cause Mazzi just danced his way
into the starting lineup.
[kids cheering]
Yes! I knew it, huh?
That's my boy. That's my boy.
[knock on door]
-[laughs] Hi.
-Haven Sheeks!
Miss Galaxy, Galaxy, Galaxy, Galaxy...
Did she just do her own echo?
[Haven gasps]
-Mercy, Jade, you look gorgeous.
-Oh.
Did you do my make-up tutorial?
Your contouring is exquisite.
[laughs]
Yes. Oh, my God,
it is such a pleasure to meet you.
-Oh.
-I have read your book cover to cover.
It's mostly pictures,
but that's why I loved it.
[laughs]
Uh, hi. I'm, uh, Jade's mom.
-Uh.
-Cocoa McKellan.
As a title holder myself...
I was Miss Rancho Cucamonga
three years running.
Oh, well, bless your little heart.
So I know the circuit.
What can you do for Jade I can't?
Wow. Hoo hoo. No small talk here.
Well, I've got five million followers,
three best-selling books,
and a podcast on how to get
five million followers
and three best-selling books.
Impressive. But look at Jade's face.
It shouldn't be hidden by make-up.
-It should showcase her natural beauty.
-Well, that's where you're wrong, Cocoa.
There's nothing natural about beauty.
But I'll let my work speak for itself.
Okay.
[Jade gasps]
Oh. Uh.
These are the same girls?
Haven, you're a miracle worker.
I know.
Without me, these girls would be Miss...
Rancho Cucamonga.
[laughs]
[Jade chuckles]
Now, Jade...
Let me ask you the most important question
you'll ever be asked in your entire life.
Why are you entering
the Miss Teen Columbus pageant?
W-Well, I grew up watching pageants
with my mom
and watching these beautiful girls
turn into royalty.
They just seemed so magical. Heh heh.
No, it ain't magic, honey.
It's hard work.
But if anyone
can get you that crown, it's me.
Well, at the prices you're charging,
you should offer a guarantee.
Guarantee? Honey, I'm changing lives,
not spark plugs.
[upbeat music playing]
Ah. Pancakes? Come on, guys.
It's three in the afternoon.
-Mm-mm-mm. We're carbo-loading.
-That's right.
Mazzi gotta get his weight up
since he's gonna be
the Baby Black Panthers'
new star running back!
What? Mazzi made the team?
Yes. Why do you sound so surprised?
Yo, man. Heads up.
No reason.
Shouldn't we wait until Mazzi gets bigger?
I mean, he could get hurt.
[scoffs] They can't hurt
what they can't catch. That boy's fast.
Hmm. ♪ He get it from his mama ♪
-[both laughing]
-[Daniel] Hey.
I can't eat another bite.
Well, I guess I have to take this to go.
I will see you guys later.
Oh. Hey, M'Dear, you out of syrup.
-Ooh.
-Not today and namaste.
Ohm.
[female] Mountain pose.
And breathe.
[both exhale]
This is easy.
Especially the breathing part.
[both exhale]
Now move into the lunge pose.
Now hold it.
Ooh.
This is making my bad knee hurt.
Ooh, it's making my good knee hurt.
[M'Dear exhales]
-How long do we have to do this?
-Ahh.
Now hold this pose for three minutes.
Uhh. Water break.
Where are you going?
What part of "water" and "break"
is confusing to you?
You know what, Amelia?
We have got to take this seriously.
Girl, you know high blood pressure
runs in our family,
and that's how Daddy died.
You don't have to remind me of that.
I'm trying, doing this yoga
and watching my diet.
-I even made a healthy salad.
-Oh.
The recipe called for buttered lettuce.
I didn't have no buttered lettuce,
so I put in some buttered noodles.
They wanted tomatoes.
Didn't have any, so I used tomato sauce.
Then they wanted me to put in
some skinless chicken.
-Mm-hmm.
-Didn't have none of that...
so I had to use chicken sausage.
So what do you think?
I think you made spaghetti.
Want some?
Well, some garlic bread wouldn't hurt.
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
[cheering]
Everybody's talking about you, Macho.
-Macho?
-That's your new nickname--Macho Mazzi.
Macho Mazzi?
I like that.
[girls] Hey, Mazzi, over here. Mazzi.
Look, Macho,
the band geeks are waving at you.
Uh, yeah. T-Those are my friends.
[laughs] You got moves and jokes.
[kids laughing]
Come on. Cold root beers on me.
♪ Okay ♪
[gasps] Your head is huge.
-What?
-Oh. Oh, it's a good thing.
All the great queens
have bobblehead heads. Heh.
Okay.
Oh, honey, we are gonna make history.
Oh. Well, you've already made history.
I mean, with your track record, it's--
Yes.
I have had many pageant winners,
but I never had one like you.
-You think I'm special?
-Oh, yes.
[chuckles] And you're black.
That...
-is true.
-Oh, ethnicity is so in right now.
We just need to lean into your blackness.
You could recite a poem by Nikki Giovanni
or a speech by Harriet Tubman.
Oh, oh, oh. Michelle Obama.
Mm. Everybody loves her.
She's crossover black.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Girl ♪
-[all] Ooh!
-Wow!
-Oh, he stuck that guy!
-[Moz] Mm.
What kind of testosterone-filled ritual
did I walk into?
Just celebrating our son potentially being
the greatest running back of all time.
Hoo.
-[laughs]
-[Moz] Get 'em.
And now I'm the thirstiest.
-Hey, get me a root beer.
-Uh, what's the magic word?
-Now.
-[gasps] Uh. Oh.
Yes, 9-1-1, we got a homicide.
A homicide, a homicide.
Um, excuse me.
Who do you think you're talking to?
-Sorry, Mom.
-Yeah.
I think you should go upstairs
to your room
and put that little attitude
in check, mister.
-[Mazzi sighs]
-But don't check it too much.
I got some money on you boys.
Mazzi has never talked to me like that.
If this is what football
is turning him into, I don't like it.
Come on, Cocoa,
he's being a normal boy.
Oh, so you condone this toxic masculinity?
Absolutely not.
But tell me what that is
so I'm sure I'm not.
Overly aggressive, misogynistic,
obsessed with his manly status?
He's not doing that.
This is just a classic case of guys--
What? Boys being boys?
Now, how come every time
a black man gets a little excited,
people try to label us with
fancy new terms like "toxic masculinity"?
No, no, no, no, it's not black men.
It's all men.
Oh, really? Being aggressive
is how I provided for my family.
Well, you never talked to me
the way Mazzi just did.
I said I'm aggressive.
I'm not crazy.
-Right?
-Mm.
-Mm.
-[laughs]
Sipping mint juleps on the veranda.
Ooh, I love our Southern traditions.
-[chuckles]
-Mm-mm-mm.
Girl, it tastes like juice,
but it's making me feel loose.
[both laughing]
Now you understand
how I sashayed through life,
husbands, disappointment,
all laissez les bon temps rouler.
Ooh.
Oui, oui, Lady Marmalade.
[laughs]
Ooh, this tastes good! Hah.
You know what? I can feel
my blood pressure is dropping already.
Oh, well, that calls for another drink.
Oh, for medicinal purposes, of course.
Oh, okay.
-We have to do what these doctors tell us.
-We must.
-We must.
-Yes.
[laughs]
-Oh, and thank you, Dr. Feelgood.
-Hello.
Yes.
-[whistle blows]
-Whoo-hoo! You got this, Mazzi! Go, go!
[Cocoa] Oh! Oh! Oh.
-[whistle blows]
-That's all right, baby. Shake it off.
Chad's handoff was too hot.
Shh. I think that's Chad's mom.
How do you know?
Well, Chad's mom needs to teach her son
how to hand the ball off.
And Mazzi's dad needs to teach his son
how to hold on to the ball.
Oh, right, that's why they called you
Dropsy McKellan.
That was one game, Chad's mom.
It was the Super Bowl!
So? We won.
Mazzi's doing his thing, right, coach?
Better than Chad?
Mazzi's a heck of a player.
Got a lot of passion.
But he'd be even better
if he could channel all of his energy
into a more positive direction.
Uh, what do you mean?
[grunting and screaming]
Aah!
[Moz] Oh.
I guess he prefers the red Gatorade.
[sighs] Jade,
you look absolutely stunning.
I do.
-I actually do.
-[both chuckle]
Now for the finishing touch.
I thought you said I look stunning.
Oh, you do,
but, uh, diversity is trending right now,
what with all this "Black Lives Matter"
and "Black Girl Magic"
and "Hail, Queen Bey."
All you need to win is to be yourself...
but with more color.
That's why we have this.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I dated a black boy once.
Daddy didn't like that, though.
-[knock on door]
-Come in.
Aren't you supposed to be getting dressed?
I'm still mad. Chad pitched the ball
too high and made me fumble.
It happens all the time.
Not to me.
Chad's playing like he's musical.
Hey. That's not a nice thing to say.
You and Uncle Daniel said it about me.
-And you're right. I had to get tough.
-Oh, man.
[sighs] Is that why
you wanted to play football?
Kind of.
It's what real men do, right?
Yeah... I mean, no.
You know, your Uncle Danny and I
can be blockheads sometimes
and say dumb stuff,
but I don't want to pass that on
to you kids.
-It's cool, Dad.
-Seriously, Mazzi.
I want you to know that you can be
anything you want.
Men can be clothing designers and bakers,
musicians. You name it.
-Really?
-Yeah.
I had a teammate
that played trumpet for years.
Even had his own band.
Shaq's opening up a new restaurant.
And LeBron James
has his own clothing line.
-Aren't they real men?
-Heck yeah.
Son, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel...
like you aren't good enough
the way that you are.
I just want you to be true to yourself.
'Cause that's what real men do.
I like football,
but I do miss the band... and baking.
Mom's cookies are good,
but they can't touch mine.
[chuckles] Nope.
After we go to Jade's pageant,
I hope you whip up a batch.
-Are you going to help?
-Um, I'll watch. I suck at baking.
Real men know their limitations.
You know, you might be needing this.
Come here.
I love you.
I love you, too, Dad.
[hip-hop music plays]
♪ Girl ♪
Hi. I just wanted to wish my daughter
good luck.
-Oh.
-And finito!
-[Jade laughs]
-Oh, you are my finest creation.
-Aah!
-Jade?
Oh. Sorry, I thought I heard my daughter.
No. No, Mom, it's me.
Jade? What...
What happened to you?
I happened. Ha ha.
I have helped your daughter
give meaning to the phrase,
"Black is beautiful."
Well, I don't know what you've heard,
but orange is not the new black.
I have merely enhanced
Jade's natural Afrocentric beauty.
Oh, and this looks natural to you?
My daughter looks like a Jamaican pumpkin.
Black is the new black.
Stay woke, sister.
First of all, sista...
my daughter's blackness is already intact,
and no spray tans, afros or butt pads
will make her any blacker.
Oh, uh...
these aren't pads, Mom.
Oh, well, go ahead, girl.
M'Dear's red beans and rice
didn't miss you.
[laughing]
Why are you still here?
-Yeah. You're fired.
-Ahh.
[Cocoa sighs]
Y'all ain't ready.
I-I can't go out there like this.
Mom, I... I just want to go home.
[sighs]
It's okay, sweetie.
Mommy will fix everything.
♪ Hey, hey ♪
Come on, girl! Yeah!
-Whoo.
-[sighs]
That was refreshing.
Now, wanna go around the block again?
Whew, I feel a little light-headed.
-Oh, well, come on, sit down.
-Whew.
-Okay.
-Sit down.
Ahh.
Now, Amelia, I know you think
you can beat this on your own,
but, honey,
high blood pressure is very serious.
And if you don't take the pills,
then you're putting yourself at risk.
So come on, honey, I'm begging you.
Take the damn pills!
[chuckles]
Okay, Maybelle, you win. I will take them.
Good. Well, come on.
Let's go get those pills
so we can get to
your grandbaby's pageant.
Remember when we used to
run around this block
twice in under five minutes?
No. Which reminds me,
I forgot to take my memory pill.
-What's wrong with you?
-I have three ex-husbands.
There's stuff I just don't wanna remember.
[hip-hop music playing]
I love your natural curls.
You look perfect.
-But I just look like me.
-Exactly.
But I want to be beautiful.
I want to win that crown
so everyone will know I'm special.
[female announcer] Pageant contestants,
please make your way to the stage.
Heh. There's no time to put on make-up.
-I-I can't do this, Mom.
-Psst.
-Mom.
-Trust me.
You do not need makeup, Jade.
Whether you win or not...
you are a beautiful black woman.
[pageant music playing]
[audience cheering and whistling]
[audience cheering]
[hip-hop music playing]
[Cocoa laughs]
-[Maybelle] Mm.
-There you go.
Mazzi ain't playing
with these cookies, y'all.
Mm. Oh, man, you ain't never lie.
-Do I taste blanched almonds?
-[laughs]
My boy can shake--mm--and bake.
[laughs] And my girl is the first black
Miss Teen Columbus.
[all cheering]
[M'Dear] Yes!
I like your hair like that, Jade.
-Oh, thanks.
-Mm-hmm.
I think I'm gonna start
wearing it curly more often. Heh heh.
I still can't believe I won.
Well, I told you,
nothing compares to natural beauty.
You've got the rest of your life
to worry about make-up.
Yeah. Like when you're 30
and actually need it.
But because you come from
such beautiful genes,
you may never need it.
-Mm-hmm. Close one.
-[Jade chuckles]
I have to give it to you, Cocoa.
Coaching Jade to victory
is very impressive.
Well, a few of the other moms
have already approached me
about the next competition.
All right, girl. Pageant coaching might
turn out to be your new side hustle.
And between that and her jewelry hustle,
well, she'll have one whole hustle.
Come on, sweetie.
Do your walk for us one more time.
Okay. I'll do it just for you guys.
[laughs] Okay. Ahem.
-[Moz] Whoa.
-[Cocoa] Oh.
-[Moz] Okay, all right. Wait.
-[Cocoa] Hey.
-[all] Oh!
-[Cocoa] Get it, get it...
-Get it, get it.
-[Maybelle] Walk, walk.
-Where is she going?
-Work it.
-Kiss the peasants. Kiss the peasants.
-[Cocoa] Hey, hey, hey.
[shutter clicks]
♪ What's up? ♪
♪ What's up?
Wh-What's up? ♪
[closing music playing]
[music ends]