Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 8 - Just One Date - full transcript

Just as Richie is trying to deal with pushy 5-year-old vixen Gwendolyn, a determined Urkel pulls his biggest stunt yet in trying to get Laura to go out with him - by sitting on the roof of the Winslows' house and not coming down until she says yes.

Laura, my pet.

A few stolen moments
Is all that we share

You've got your family
And they need you there

Though I try to resist

Being last on your list

But no other girl's Gonna do

So I'm saving all
my love for you

No other man Is
gonna love you more

'Cause tonight is the night
That I'm feeling all right

We'll be making out
The whole night through

So I'm saving all my love



Yeah, I'm saving all my love

Yeah, I'm saving
all my love For you

Laura, you left before
I could finish singing.

Oh, did I?

Listen, I'd offer you some hot chocolate,
but you're not gonna stay that long.

Oh. Well, I'd say thank
you, but there's no reason to.

- Bye.
- Oh, Laura, wait.

Aren't you at all curious
why I'm dressed to

the nines and singing
to you in dulcet tones?

Dulcet tones?

Our DustBuster
sings better than you.

Well, I'm doing this to commemorate
a milestone in our relationship.

Our relationship doesn't need a
milestone, it needs a tombstone.

Woman, I'm about to ask
you out for the 1000th time.



Here it goes.

- Laura Winslow...
- No.

Well, you didn't
even let me finish.

Sorry. I was just so
eager to answer you.

You know, I've asked
you out a thousand

times and you've said
"no" a thousand times.

I am beginning to
notice an alarming trend.

Get a clue, Steve. Give it up.

I shall never give up,
bubbling brown sugar.

In fact, I'm gonna do
something so romantic...

so gallant and so
fabulously grandiose...

that your heart will melt
and you will be mine forever.

Get a life, Steve.

All right. This is fantastic.

What are you so happy about?

You just said,
"Get a life, Steve."

A week ago, you would have
said, "Get a life, turbo nerd."

I'm wearing you down, baby.

I'm wearing you down.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi there.

Is your mother at home?

No, she's at work. But
my Aunt Harriette's here.

- Can I speak to her?
- Sure.

Aunt Harriette, those
new neighbors you were

watching from behind
the fence are here.

Hello. GLORIA: Hi.

Listen, come in, come in.

We're your new neighbors.
I'm Gloria Tannen.

- Hi.
- This is my daughter, Gwendolyn.

Well, hello, Gwendolyn. I'm Harriette
Winslow, and this is my nephew, Richie.

- Welcome to the 'hood.
- Thanks.

I think I'm gonna like it here.

Listen, Gloria...

let's go have coffee and I'll give you
the lowdown on your new neighbors.

- You're not gonna gossip, are you?
- I sure am.

- Oh, good.
- Come on.

Play nice, kids.

You wanna play "Space Donkeys"?

I'm down for that. I'm
pretty good with the laser.

Let's kick it.

- What?
- You are so fly.

Girls.

- Hey, Dad?
- Yes, sweetheart?

I got my report card today.

- Oh?
- Oh, Carl, her grades...

are just a little
less than perfect.

So when you look at her report
card, try to show some compassion.

Well, of course, Mother.

- Okay, Judy, let's have it.
- Here you go.

Would you look at these
grades? These grades are terrible.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

That's one of your
old report cards.

Honey, here is
Judy's report card.

Oh. Hm. B's and C's. Not bad.

- Thanks, Grandma.
- You're welcome, sugar. Ha-ha.

- Oh, hi, Gwendolyn.
- Hey, girl.

What can I do for you?

I'm looking for that
fine Richie Crawford.

Just a minute.

Richie, Gwendolyn's
here to see you.

Oh, man, she's smothering me.

- Hi, Gwendolyn.
- Hi, cutie.

I baked you a cupcake.
Sweets for my sweet.

Listen, babe, I can't stay. I
got an interview for preschool.

Ciao.

Ooh.

Knock it off.

You guys better be careful.

I teased this dude yesterday and he
gave me an industrial-strength noogie.

STEVE: Attention.

Would the lovely Laura
Winslow kindly step outside.

Ah. Behold, the fair damsel.

Let it be known that
I, Steven Q. Urkel...

shall remain perched
here upon this roof...

until Laura Lee Winslow
agrees to go out with me.

This might be a
good time to move.

Oh, greetings, hombres.

Steve?

Why are you pulling
a crazy stunt like this?

Carl, unfortunately my legendary
love for your daughter is unrequited.

Therefore, I shall remain
here upon your roof

until Laura Winslow
sees the folly of her ways.

But, Steve...

this time of year, the nights up
here are very cold and very windy.

I've got my love
to keep me warm.

Uh, Dad, can I have a word
with you down by the gutter?

What is it, son?

- Why aren't you kicking Steve off of here?
- Simple.

As long as he's on our
house, he can't be in our house.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Steve?

Steve?

Steve.

Boy, that'll wake you up.

Look at this. You
almost killed yourself.

I want you to come
down from this roof.

- Will you go out with me?
- No.

Then here I stay.

Look, you're wasting your
time. I will never go out with you.

- Oh, yes, you will.
- No, I won't.

Steve, this is crazy.

Laura, I don't care.

Men swim oceans, climb mountains,
and trudge across deserts for their women.

The least I can do is sit on the
top of a middle-class tract house.

Look, the radio says
we're in for a cold snap.

It might even snow.

Well, let Mama Nature
take her best shot.

You wanna know why?
Because I'm a man.

A manly man, a manly Urkel man.

Fine, Steve. It'll be just
you and the pigeons.

Pigeons? Oh, do they bite?

Well, I'm off.

You know, the only
thing worse than working

the night shift is
working in a snow storm.

Laura, aren't you worried
about Uncle Steve?

He's not your uncle. And
he can climb down anytime.

You ordered Chinese?

Up on the roof.

The roof?

The roof.

- Well, goodnight, kids.
- Goodnight, Dad.

- Goodnight, Uncle Carl.
- Goodnight, Rich.

STEVE: Bye, big guy.

Uh, Steve, you know, it's
starting to snow pretty hard.

Don't you think you
ought to come down?

No, thanks, big guy. I'm
determined to... Whoa!

Sorry. I slipped.

You know, he's even
annoying up there.

Hello? Oh, hi, Gwendolyn.

- Richie?
- No, no, no.

Uh, Gwendolyn, Richie's
not available right now,

but I'll be sure to tell
him that you called.

Bye.

Why didn't you
wanna talk to her?

- Laura, can you keep a secret?
- Sure.

- Swear like a bear? Ptoo.
- Two times square. Ptoo.

Now, tell me.

Well, yesterday I was over at
Gwendolyn's house, playing Legos.

So, what happened?

Well, Gwendolyn asked me if I wanted
to go with her and see Snoopy On Ice.

I said, sure.

Well, that's nice.

Yeah, but then I noticed Gwendolyn
was giving me this real goofy look.

- What look?
- Like this.

Oh, I see.

Then she did something crazy.

Something weird.

Something disgusting.

- What?
- She kissed me.

Wow. Well, what did you do?

I called her a doody
head and then I ran home...

and scrubbed my face
until my skin got red.

Oh, Richie, it sounds like Gwendolyn
wants you to be her boyfriend.

Laura, I'm too young for that.

For goodness sake, I'm
still wearing Underoos.

Yeah, but you shouldn't have
called Gwendolyn a doody head.

You call Uncle Steve names.

- Well, that's different.
- How come?

Never mind.

Look...

Gwendolyn really
cares about you.

And even though you don't
feel the same way about her...

it's not right to
hurt her feelings.

Oh, gee, this boy-and-girl
stuff is really complicated.

You should call Gwendolyn and tell
her sorry for calling her a doody head.

I guess you're right.

Tell her you'd be happy to see Snoopy
On Ice with her, but just as a friend.

Hey, that's good. Thanks, Laura.

You sure are a good
straightener-outer.

Anytime, Richie.

Hey, where are you going?

I think it's time I start
following my own advice.

Steve?

Oh. Oh.

Laura, my pet.

- I brought you a blanket.
- Oh.

Oh, my little
Florence Nightingale.

Be careful. This roof is slipperier
than a used-car salesman.

Oh. Ooh. Oh.

Oh, thank you, darling.

I'm so cold.

You know, they say the best
cure for hypothermia is body heat.

I'm close to feeling sorry
for you, Steve. Don't blow it.

Right.

Listen, have you heard
any weather reports?

Yeah. Snow flurries are
supposed to stop by dawn.

- Oh, good.
- Just before the blizzard hits.

Not good.

Look, I've been thinking
about what you're doing here...

and I must admit that
it is kind of romantic.

In a bizarre, twisted,
obnoxious sort of way.

You love me, don't you?

No, my feelings for
you haven't changed.

And they never will.

Oh.

- But...
- But?

Oh, praise God, there's a but.

But if you can convince me that
you truly understand my feelings...

then maybe we
could go out on a date.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

- As a friend.
- Oh, Laura.

My lady, my love.

- Your friend.
- Right. My friend.

Can you...?

Do you suppose we could
commemorate this occasion with a hug?

Well, I guess nobody will see.

Steve, let go.

Oh, sorry. Just being friendly.

Oh, Laura, Laura,
I'm so excited.

You and me, on a date.

Now, Steve...

Why, this'll be my
chance to impress you.

I'll knock your socks off.

With what?

With my charm.

My rapier wit.

My savoir... Whoa!

Savoir faire!

Steve?

Well, Steve, a deal is a deal.

I promised you that we would
have a date, and here we are.

Not just a date. A dinner date.

Open up the hangar, here
comes the Jell-O plane.

Ahh.

Baby, this is the
best night of my life.