Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 7 - An Officer and a Waldo - full transcript

Waldo's fragile self-esteem takes a huge hit when a misunderstanding he caused results in Eddie's girlfriend leaving him. Waldo decides the only way he can cope is to join the Army Reserves...

Ladies.

Well... that was a fun date.

It wasn't a date.

I went to the movie alone.

And you sat down next
to me right after it started.

Aha. But this time you didn't
dump your soda all over me.

I'm wearing you down, baby.

I'm wearing you down!

Hey, baby... let's
get comfortable.

Hey, baby, uh...

let's get comfortable.



What are you doing?

Making a move, sweetheart.

Feel free to make one back.

- Okay.
- Oh.

Ah!

Steve Urkel...

you are the most annoying
human being I have ever met.

You heard her. You're witnesses.

She used the phrase
"human being."

She's mine.

Don't lose that
thought. Heh, heh.

- Hey.
- Ah...

- Waldo?
- What's up?

- Uh... Uh... Vonda's here.
- Oh, cool.



Hey, Vonda.

- Hello, Waldo.
- What's up?

- Waldo.
- What's up?

Um... Uh, uh... Waldo, I'm kind
of busy right now, you know?

- Oh.
- Ah.

- No prob, Bob.
- All right. Heh, heh, heh.

All right.

- Waldo.
- What's up?

Yo, man.

Check out my lady,
Vonda, over there.

Look at those sweet lips.

They're just
begging to be kissed.

You got it, bro.

Oh!

- Why did you do that?
- Eddie told me to.

Oh, Eddie, you are disgusting.

Vonda, wait, baby. Baby, come...
Wait, Vonda, listen, let me... I gotta...

Waldo, you just
kissed my girlfriend.

Yup. Now you've got
some tough lips to follow.

I didn't want you
to kiss her for me.

I wanted you to leave so
that I could kiss her, you idiot.

Oh.

Now do you understand?

Yeah, I understand.

I understand something else too.

What?

My best friend
thinks I'm an idiot.

Ah. Okay.

Needs little bit more oomph.

More oomph.

- Hey, Carl, did you fix the icemaker yet?
- Oh, yeah.

Good. You better
call a repairman.

What for?

Carl, fixing things is a talent.

A talent you don't have.

Well, now, I fixed the
dryer and it works just fine.

Yes. And then it exploded.

Your mother was
beaned by the lint trap.

She was only out
for a few minutes.

Let's see.

Refrigerator repair.

Excuse me.

Would it kill you just to
give me a little support?

A teeny, tiny vote of
confidence? Would it?

Carl...

But no, you make snide
remarks about explosions.

You dredge up the
ancient lint trap incident.

You know what, Harriette?

There should be a
country called Naysayer.

And you would be
queen of the Naysayers.

Carl...

Well, I am the king of
this household, queenie.

And the king says that
there will be no repairman...

because the king has
fixed the fridge himself.

Nice work, oh, mighty king.

Well, let's see,
refrigerator repair.

Vonda, baby. Oh,
baby... Baby, I...

Vonda, I swear I will
never be rude to you again.

Steve!

Eddo, you can sweet talk
the hotties some other time.

Right now we've got an emergency
on our hands. Now, come on.

What are you talking about?

I just got a phone
call from Fort McGee.

Waldo's there.

Fort McGee? Well, why
would Waldo be at Fort McGee?

Waldo joined the Army.

What?

Come on. We gotta
go talk him out of this.

Why would Waldo do
such an idiotic thing?

It was your insensitive use of the
word "idiot" that caused this whole mess.

Waldo joined the Army
because I called him an idiot?

Hey, strong emotions and a weak
mind can make a dangerous combination.

Look at Yosemite Sam.

- Psst, psst. Psst.
- Waldo.

Steve. Eddie. Were
you guys drafted?

No, man. We snuck on the base.

We gotta... SARGE: Hey!

Are you ladies having a little
trouble finding the door? Get in there.

Atten-hut.

All right.

Who are you two?

- Private Urkel.
- And Private Winslow.

Reporting for duty, sir!

Ah! Grenade!

Hit the deck.

Did I do that?

What are you pathetic
piles of pasture patties...

doing in my platoon?

Excellent use
of alliteration, sir.

- I don't believe I've had the pleasure...
- Sgt. Robert Shishka.

Hey, you know, your name
backwards is Shishka Bob.

- Shut up!
- Yes, sir. Shutting up, sir.

I'm not a sir.

- You're not, sir?
- No, sir.

I'm a sergeant. You will
address me as Sgt. Shishka.

- Shertainly.
- Shertainly what?

Shertainly, shir.

Not shir, shergeant.

Yes, shir, Shergeant
Shishka, shir.

Just call me sarge.

No prob, Bob.

Urkel, Winslow...

you are not on my
list of new recruits.

Oh, well...

You mean the Army screwed
up the paperwork again?

Gosh, I'll bet that's
never happened before.

Don't insult my army.

I love my army.

I'll take this up later
with the lieutenant.

Sarge...

do you think Private
Eddo and I can have a

private moment with
Private Waldo privately?

Well... no!

You see, sarge,
he's our friend...

- and you know...
- You have no friends!

The Army is your friend!

Fall in.

Fall in what?

Form a line.

My friend, the Army, isn't
talking very nice to me.

Atten-hut.

Eyes are here.

What are you looking at?

Suck in that gut.

Square those shoulders.

Chin up.

Now, stay that way.

Welcome to Basic
Training, maggots.

During the next six weeks...
- Huh!

- During the next six weeks...
- Huh!

- During the next six weeks...
- Huh!

Stop that!

Well, I have to breathe.
Excuse me for being a mammal.

At ease.

During the next six weeks...

it will be my job...

to turn you ignorant,
ugly, inbred, jackasses...

into soldiers in this
United States Army.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

What?

Why all this gratuitous
name calling?

You know, you'll catch far more
flies with honey than you will with...

Shut up!

You don't have many
friends, do you, Bob?

I said shut up!

You know, sudden
unreasonable displays of anger...

are occasionally caused
by an impacted bowel.

That does it, mister.

Give me 50 push-ups.

Without stretching first?

Hit the floor!

One...

two...

three... Unh!

- All right.
- Oh, wedgie.

All right, men...

you're going to take a 20-mile
field hike with full field packs.

Oh, no, no, no, don't thank me.

Thank Private Urkel.

You see, men...

an infantry unit is only as
strong as its weakest soldier.

And this soldier is the
weakest man in America.

Oh, yeah? He hasn't met my dad.

Atten-hut.

Right face.

Oh, my right.

About face.

We gotta go... Oh,
all the way... Okay.

Forward, march.

Now, can we have a do-over
here? Backsies, backsies.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Left, right, left. Left, left.

Left, right, left.

- How's it going?
- I'm all done, little lady.

Icemaker motor was
shot, so I replaced it.

Oh, okay.

- It's a nice place you got here.
- Thank you.

How much you pay for it?

I really don't think that's
any of your business.

Took a bath on it, huh?

How much do I owe you?

$285.

- What? For a little motor thing?
- Oh.

Alrighty, dearie.

You wanna get on the horn
there and call your little old hubby.

Why would I do that?

Well, he controls the
buckeroonies, right?

My hubby doesn't
control the buckeroonies.

We share the
buckeroonies. You got that?

Yeah, okey-dokey, sure.

Furthermore, I'm
authorizing this repair myself.

- Understand?
- Okey-dokey, sure.

I'm also authorizing you
to pull up those pants.

This is an old house and
we've got enough cracks in it.

Relax, men.

Relax.

Steve?

Eddo?

Help. Do me a favor.

- What?
- Shoot me.

Leave him alone, Winslow.

Yo, why don't
you lay off, sarge?

I mean, sure, Steve is annoying.

Sure, he is a pain in the butt.
Sure, he gets on your nerves.

But the bottom line is...

he's that way to everybody.

Winslow... misery loves company.

So you and Faldo can stay
here with your buddy Urkel...

while the rest of
us go for chow.

And while we're gone...

you three will scrub
this entire floor.

Where are the mops?

Right here.

All right, men, fall out, it's
chow time. Double-time now.

It's Wednesday. That
means powdered fish.

I've never been more
tired in my entire life.

Why did you guys
come here anyway?

To stop you from
making a big mistake.

Waldo, the only reason you
joined the Army is because...

Because I hurt your feelings.

It's not the only reason.

But you shouldn't
have called me an idiot.

Yeah, I know.

You're supposed to be
my friend. My best friend.

When you called me that...

I never felt so bad
in my whole life.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, I admire you.

I respect you.

And I've always
looked up to you.

So when you called
me an idiot, it hurt me.

Here.

No, man. Waldo,
you're not an idiot.

An idiot is a guy who loses his temper
and hurts his best friend's feelings.

Waldo...

I'm really sorry, man.

Will you be my
best friend again?

Cool.

Mission accomplished, Steve.

Steve?

Steve.

Yes, shir, Shergeant
Shishka, shir.

- Let's go home, guys.
- Wait a minute.

Getting Waldo out of the
Army is easier said than done.

Well, let's just
talk to the sarge.

Oh, good idea, yeah.

He seems to be a caring
and compassionate individual.

Maybe if we explain the
situation and beg real hard...

he'll rip up Waldo's
enlistment papers.

Papers?

Yeah, Waldo.

You signed enlistment
papers, right?

No. I just saw a long line
and stood at the end of it.

Listen up, maggots,
prepare for drill.

Atten-hut.

Heart, hut.

Right shoulder, hut.

Heart, hut.

Left shoulder, hut.

Heart, hut.

Right order... hut.