Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 3 - Driving Carl Crazy - full transcript
"3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me?" That's the advice Carl decides to heed as he tries to deal with stress-related high blood pressure. But will the tip work when Urkel - who shows off his new BMW Isetta to the Winslows - asks the cop to help him learn to drive?
A bit of bubbly, my sweet?
Let it flow.
- Harriette - Hm?
How long has it been since we've
had Casa de Winslow to ourselves?
Well, let's just
put it this way.
A Democrat was president.
Howdy-doody, Winslows! - Ah!
- Steve.
- How you doing, big guy?
Go home.
Go home now!
I can't. I've got big news.
I just completed a
100-hour trumpet course.
And, boy, are my lips tired.
Steve, can we talk man to pest?
Talk away, big buy.
Well, you see,
the wife and I, we...
We're lonely for each other.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
You dog, you. Oh.
Oh.
Oh. Ow!
Well, say no more,
Officer Don Juan.
Let me serenade
you two lovebirds...
with my special rendition
of "The Lonely Bull."
Oh, did I do that?
Go home, Steve.
Why?
You just shattered an
expensive bottle of wine.
Expensive? No offense,
Carl, but I saw the label.
The Chateau Stop 'N
Shop? Oh, come on.
Go home! Go home! Go home!
I don't have to take
this. I'm going home.
Harriette, look at this
mess. I have had it.
- Carl, calm down.
- I won't calm down.
Harriette, that kid is the
bane of my existence.
He waltzes in here like he owns the place,
and always with some ridiculous greeting.
Hi-dee-ho, neighbors!
Howdy-doody, Winslows!
Rise and shine, big buy! Ugh!
- Carl, take it easy.
- I can't.
Harriette, that kid... Whoa.
- Carl, what's wrong?
- Uh, uh...
- I don't know. I'm dizzy. Whoa.
- Sit down, Carl.
Sit down.
Now, breathe deep.
Wow, this doesn't make sense.
I always feel great
after I kick Steve out.
- Carl, I'm calling the doctor.
- No, no, no.
No, I, uh... Ahem.
I'm feeling better already.
Promise me you're gonna go
see Dr. Van Lowe tomorrow.
I will, sweetheart.
First thing tomorrow.
Now, come to papa, mama.
Laura, my pet.
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my pants
Too sexy for my shoes
- Steve.
- I'm too sexy for my cat
Too sexy for my bugs
- Steve.
- On the catwalk, on the catwalk
I shake my little
tush on the catwalk
- On the catwalk, on
the catwalk - Steve!
- Yes, my succulent sweetie?
- You're not too sexy for anything.
- Bye.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Where are your
pretty toes taking you?
To the mall, and
the answer is no.
Well, what was the question?
- "Can I go to the mall with you?"
- Sure, baby, let's go. Ha, ha, ha.
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my clothes
Too sexy for my friends And...
Eddie, your favorite sister needs
a ride in her big brother's car.
Oh? Why didn't Judy
just ask me herself? Heh.
Very funny. I meant me.
Boy, not having a car is whack.
I'm telling you, the next guy with wheels
who asks me out is gonna be my new steady.
Hm.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Carl.
Carl, I've been thinking
about you all day.
- Did you go see the doctor?
- Yep. I'm fine.
You are? Well, what did he say?
Well, he said that my blood
pressure is a scooch too high.
How high is a scooch?
One-sixty over 98.
Is that high?
Not if you're a Flying Wallenda.
I'm fine, really.
You see, whenever I lose my cool,
my blood pressure goes sky high.
So all I have to do is
simply control my temper.
Gee, that's gonna be tough.
What, you saying I can't do it?!
You saying I have no self-control?!
Carl, calm down.
Oh. Heh. Popped off
there a little. Heh, heh, heh.
Can't do that anymore.
You know, Carl, you need
to learn stress management.
I'm way ahead of you.
See this little booklet?
I picked it up at the doctor's
office. It's called "Stress Busters."
- Does it have any good tips?
- Oh, yeah.
Here's the best one.
You see, whenever I get angry, I just
recite this little poem, calms me down.
Three, two, one One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Go on. Come on.
What's going on?
Steve has a surprise for you.
Oh, no. Did he sculpt my
likeness out of compost again?
No, but this will give you
just as many nightmares.
Hey, baby, going my way?
Steve, how much did
you pay for this thing?
Nothing. My Uncle Cecil gave
me 50 bucks to take it away.
Wait a minute. I've
seen this thing before.
- You have?
- Yeah.
This is the car all the
clowns get out of at the circus.
Ha, ha. Hey, there's a
clown in it now. Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, that was so
funny I forgot to laugh.
Seriously, Steve, who
makes this car? Tonka?
Hardly. It's a BMW.
A Beemer, babe.
A 1960 Isetta.
- Isetta?
- That's what Isetta. Ha, ha, ha.
- Bye.
- Not so fast, missy.
Now, you said the next guy with wheels
who asks you out will be your boy toy.
Well, this is the toy
and I'm your boy.
Steve, you don't even
know how to drive.
So I'll learn.
Give it up, Steve. You had 20
accidents last year just walking.
Aha. She's right, she's right.
But in my defense, four of
those walkers had been drinking.
- Yowser, big buy.
- Go home, Steve.
Hi, Estelle, my bodacious belle.
Hello, Steve. I heard
you got yourself a car.
Oh, yes, indeedy.
It's a real beauty too.
In fact, that's why I'm
here, to ask Carl a big favor.
Will you teach me
how to drive, big buy?
Steve, why don't you ask your
parents to teach you how to drive?
I can't. They have a car phobia.
- Why?
- I was born in one.
Steve, can't you
take driver's ed?
Nope. It's the middle
of the semester.
Please, Carl, teach me, big buy.
Mold me into a motor-man.
Do it, honey. Look
at that face. Look at it.
Mother...
you know how I get when I'm around
Steve. I just wanna throw things.
It will be a good
test to see if you can
teach him without losing
your temper, honey.
Steve, you have to promise that
you'll try very hard not to irritate me.
Oh, I promise.
Let's go, big buy.
- Carl, come on.
- Steve.
What...?
What are we
laughing at, big buy?
Your car. Ha, ha, ha.
Sorry.
Now, could we
concentrate on teaching...
if you don't mind.
Well, do you get in this
thing or put it on? Ha, ha, ha.
I break me up, I
tell you. Ha, ha, ha.
I'm sorry.
Well, how do you get in
this thing? There's no door.
Aha.
Okay, get it
out! Get it all out!
- Hey, hey. Hey, watch out. Watch out now.
- Just wait a minute.
Hey, watch where
you're sticking that thing.
- Okay.
- Ow, ow, ow!
- Are you okay?
- Fine, fine.
Okay.
Now, let's go over
some basics here.
You got your ignition.
You got your turn signal. You
got your gear shift. You got...
- Wait a minute, where's your speedometer?
- There isn't one.
That's why my uncle put
in this little chalkboard.
So you can write down how
fast you think you're going.
All right, just put the key
in and start the engine.
Okay.
Listen to that tiger growl.
Sounds more like a gerbil.
- Okay, the next step is...
- I can't believe it.
I'm behind the wheel of
my very own car. Ha, ha, ha.
Steve, calm down, Steve.
Oh, I can't, Carl.
I'm too excited.
I'm in Urkel overdrive!
Yesterday, I was a nerd.
Today, I'm a nerd
they can't catch on foot.
Hang on to your
boxers, Carl, we're off!
Steve, wait a minute, don't
do any... Steve, wait! Steve!
Did I do that?
It wasn't termites.
Well, don't worry, big
buy, I'll get us out of here.
Steve... Steve, wait,
wait! No, Steve, wait!
Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
Steve, wait! Wait! Argh!
- Carl. Carl, Carl, Carl.
- Open this door.
Let me go! Open
this door! Let me go!
Oh, no.
Steve...
look what you've done.
You have creamed my garage door.
Easy, big buy. Temper, temper.
Three, two, one
One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Three, two, one One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Three, two, one One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Finally.
Almost lost it there.
Heh, heh, heh.
Complete control
now. Heh, heh, heh.
I think that's enough for today.
Three, two, one
One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
- You!
- Ah!
You're what's bothering me!
Every time I see
you, you just do this!
If I just get my hands
on you! Open this door!
If I could just...
Oh, I would...
If I could just get
my hands on you!
You little... Oh, I just... Let
me get my hand in there!
Let me just get my hand in there!
Let me just get my hand in there!
No, Carl! Carl! Carl!
Help! Help!
You activated the airbag!
Steve, I'm gonna get
my hands on you...
Whoa. Whoa.
- Steve.
- Carl?
Carl?
- What's the matter, big buy?
- Oh, man, I'm dizzy.
Well, take it easy.
I'll go get help.
Yeah, get... Get help.
I'm sorry, Carl. I'm so sorry.
Steve...
could you excuse us for a moment.
I'd like to speak to my husband alone.
Sure. I have to go find
your daughter anyway.
I can't wait to tell
her that I'm just a few
driving lessons away
from driving Miss Laura.
Heh, heh, heh. Unh!
Carl, I just got off the
phone with Dr. Van Lowe.
Oh?
And he told me a few
things I found very interesting.
Like what?
He told me he gave you a list of
things to do to lower your blood pressure.
Is that right?
Well, there could
have been a list.
Reduce your salt intake.
Start a low-fat,
low-cholesterol diet.
Exercise every day.
And that stupid "One, Two,
Three" poem wasn't even on the list!
I found the booklet in the waiting room.
It was keeping the coffee table level.
Carl, why did you ignore
the doctor's advice?
Oh, come on, Harriette. No
salt, no donuts, lots of exercise.
My life will be a living hell.
At least you'd be living.
I know.
Listen, Carl.
You may not worry about
your health, but I sure do...
and so does the
rest of your family.
But, Harriette, the stuff the
doc wants me to do is a real pain.
I'll tell you what
gives me a pain, Carl.
The thought of
living without you.
Oh, Harriette.
Carl, we have a lot
to look forward to.
I want both of us to be here
to watch our children grow up...
and get married and
have children of their own.
Would be nice to
have some grandkids.
Yeah.
We're a team, Carl.
Let's do everything we can
to keep this team together.
You're right, sweetheart.
You know, Robert
Browning said it best.
Grow old along with
me The best is yet to be
I love you, Carl.
I love you too, Harriette.
Let it flow.
- Harriette - Hm?
How long has it been since we've
had Casa de Winslow to ourselves?
Well, let's just
put it this way.
A Democrat was president.
Howdy-doody, Winslows! - Ah!
- Steve.
- How you doing, big guy?
Go home.
Go home now!
I can't. I've got big news.
I just completed a
100-hour trumpet course.
And, boy, are my lips tired.
Steve, can we talk man to pest?
Talk away, big buy.
Well, you see,
the wife and I, we...
We're lonely for each other.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
You dog, you. Oh.
Oh.
Oh. Ow!
Well, say no more,
Officer Don Juan.
Let me serenade
you two lovebirds...
with my special rendition
of "The Lonely Bull."
Oh, did I do that?
Go home, Steve.
Why?
You just shattered an
expensive bottle of wine.
Expensive? No offense,
Carl, but I saw the label.
The Chateau Stop 'N
Shop? Oh, come on.
Go home! Go home! Go home!
I don't have to take
this. I'm going home.
Harriette, look at this
mess. I have had it.
- Carl, calm down.
- I won't calm down.
Harriette, that kid is the
bane of my existence.
He waltzes in here like he owns the place,
and always with some ridiculous greeting.
Hi-dee-ho, neighbors!
Howdy-doody, Winslows!
Rise and shine, big buy! Ugh!
- Carl, take it easy.
- I can't.
Harriette, that kid... Whoa.
- Carl, what's wrong?
- Uh, uh...
- I don't know. I'm dizzy. Whoa.
- Sit down, Carl.
Sit down.
Now, breathe deep.
Wow, this doesn't make sense.
I always feel great
after I kick Steve out.
- Carl, I'm calling the doctor.
- No, no, no.
No, I, uh... Ahem.
I'm feeling better already.
Promise me you're gonna go
see Dr. Van Lowe tomorrow.
I will, sweetheart.
First thing tomorrow.
Now, come to papa, mama.
Laura, my pet.
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my pants
Too sexy for my shoes
- Steve.
- I'm too sexy for my cat
Too sexy for my bugs
- Steve.
- On the catwalk, on the catwalk
I shake my little
tush on the catwalk
- On the catwalk, on
the catwalk - Steve!
- Yes, my succulent sweetie?
- You're not too sexy for anything.
- Bye.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Where are your
pretty toes taking you?
To the mall, and
the answer is no.
Well, what was the question?
- "Can I go to the mall with you?"
- Sure, baby, let's go. Ha, ha, ha.
I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my clothes
Too sexy for my friends And...
Eddie, your favorite sister needs
a ride in her big brother's car.
Oh? Why didn't Judy
just ask me herself? Heh.
Very funny. I meant me.
Boy, not having a car is whack.
I'm telling you, the next guy with wheels
who asks me out is gonna be my new steady.
Hm.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, Carl.
Carl, I've been thinking
about you all day.
- Did you go see the doctor?
- Yep. I'm fine.
You are? Well, what did he say?
Well, he said that my blood
pressure is a scooch too high.
How high is a scooch?
One-sixty over 98.
Is that high?
Not if you're a Flying Wallenda.
I'm fine, really.
You see, whenever I lose my cool,
my blood pressure goes sky high.
So all I have to do is
simply control my temper.
Gee, that's gonna be tough.
What, you saying I can't do it?!
You saying I have no self-control?!
Carl, calm down.
Oh. Heh. Popped off
there a little. Heh, heh, heh.
Can't do that anymore.
You know, Carl, you need
to learn stress management.
I'm way ahead of you.
See this little booklet?
I picked it up at the doctor's
office. It's called "Stress Busters."
- Does it have any good tips?
- Oh, yeah.
Here's the best one.
You see, whenever I get angry, I just
recite this little poem, calms me down.
Three, two, one One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Go on. Come on.
What's going on?
Steve has a surprise for you.
Oh, no. Did he sculpt my
likeness out of compost again?
No, but this will give you
just as many nightmares.
Hey, baby, going my way?
Steve, how much did
you pay for this thing?
Nothing. My Uncle Cecil gave
me 50 bucks to take it away.
Wait a minute. I've
seen this thing before.
- You have?
- Yeah.
This is the car all the
clowns get out of at the circus.
Ha, ha. Hey, there's a
clown in it now. Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, that was so
funny I forgot to laugh.
Seriously, Steve, who
makes this car? Tonka?
Hardly. It's a BMW.
A Beemer, babe.
A 1960 Isetta.
- Isetta?
- That's what Isetta. Ha, ha, ha.
- Bye.
- Not so fast, missy.
Now, you said the next guy with wheels
who asks you out will be your boy toy.
Well, this is the toy
and I'm your boy.
Steve, you don't even
know how to drive.
So I'll learn.
Give it up, Steve. You had 20
accidents last year just walking.
Aha. She's right, she's right.
But in my defense, four of
those walkers had been drinking.
- Yowser, big buy.
- Go home, Steve.
Hi, Estelle, my bodacious belle.
Hello, Steve. I heard
you got yourself a car.
Oh, yes, indeedy.
It's a real beauty too.
In fact, that's why I'm
here, to ask Carl a big favor.
Will you teach me
how to drive, big buy?
Steve, why don't you ask your
parents to teach you how to drive?
I can't. They have a car phobia.
- Why?
- I was born in one.
Steve, can't you
take driver's ed?
Nope. It's the middle
of the semester.
Please, Carl, teach me, big buy.
Mold me into a motor-man.
Do it, honey. Look
at that face. Look at it.
Mother...
you know how I get when I'm around
Steve. I just wanna throw things.
It will be a good
test to see if you can
teach him without losing
your temper, honey.
Steve, you have to promise that
you'll try very hard not to irritate me.
Oh, I promise.
Let's go, big buy.
- Carl, come on.
- Steve.
What...?
What are we
laughing at, big buy?
Your car. Ha, ha, ha.
Sorry.
Now, could we
concentrate on teaching...
if you don't mind.
Well, do you get in this
thing or put it on? Ha, ha, ha.
I break me up, I
tell you. Ha, ha, ha.
I'm sorry.
Well, how do you get in
this thing? There's no door.
Aha.
Okay, get it
out! Get it all out!
- Hey, hey. Hey, watch out. Watch out now.
- Just wait a minute.
Hey, watch where
you're sticking that thing.
- Okay.
- Ow, ow, ow!
- Are you okay?
- Fine, fine.
Okay.
Now, let's go over
some basics here.
You got your ignition.
You got your turn signal. You
got your gear shift. You got...
- Wait a minute, where's your speedometer?
- There isn't one.
That's why my uncle put
in this little chalkboard.
So you can write down how
fast you think you're going.
All right, just put the key
in and start the engine.
Okay.
Listen to that tiger growl.
Sounds more like a gerbil.
- Okay, the next step is...
- I can't believe it.
I'm behind the wheel of
my very own car. Ha, ha, ha.
Steve, calm down, Steve.
Oh, I can't, Carl.
I'm too excited.
I'm in Urkel overdrive!
Yesterday, I was a nerd.
Today, I'm a nerd
they can't catch on foot.
Hang on to your
boxers, Carl, we're off!
Steve, wait a minute, don't
do any... Steve, wait! Steve!
Did I do that?
It wasn't termites.
Well, don't worry, big
buy, I'll get us out of here.
Steve... Steve, wait,
wait! No, Steve, wait!
Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
Steve, wait! Wait! Argh!
- Carl. Carl, Carl, Carl.
- Open this door.
Let me go! Open
this door! Let me go!
Oh, no.
Steve...
look what you've done.
You have creamed my garage door.
Easy, big buy. Temper, temper.
Three, two, one
One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Three, two, one One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Three, two, one One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
Finally.
Almost lost it there.
Heh, heh, heh.
Complete control
now. Heh, heh, heh.
I think that's enough for today.
Three, two, one
One, two, three
What the heck is bothering me?
- You!
- Ah!
You're what's bothering me!
Every time I see
you, you just do this!
If I just get my hands
on you! Open this door!
If I could just...
Oh, I would...
If I could just get
my hands on you!
You little... Oh, I just... Let
me get my hand in there!
Let me just get my hand in there!
Let me just get my hand in there!
No, Carl! Carl! Carl!
Help! Help!
You activated the airbag!
Steve, I'm gonna get
my hands on you...
Whoa. Whoa.
- Steve.
- Carl?
Carl?
- What's the matter, big buy?
- Oh, man, I'm dizzy.
Well, take it easy.
I'll go get help.
Yeah, get... Get help.
I'm sorry, Carl. I'm so sorry.
Steve...
could you excuse us for a moment.
I'd like to speak to my husband alone.
Sure. I have to go find
your daughter anyway.
I can't wait to tell
her that I'm just a few
driving lessons away
from driving Miss Laura.
Heh, heh, heh. Unh!
Carl, I just got off the
phone with Dr. Van Lowe.
Oh?
And he told me a few
things I found very interesting.
Like what?
He told me he gave you a list of
things to do to lower your blood pressure.
Is that right?
Well, there could
have been a list.
Reduce your salt intake.
Start a low-fat,
low-cholesterol diet.
Exercise every day.
And that stupid "One, Two,
Three" poem wasn't even on the list!
I found the booklet in the waiting room.
It was keeping the coffee table level.
Carl, why did you ignore
the doctor's advice?
Oh, come on, Harriette. No
salt, no donuts, lots of exercise.
My life will be a living hell.
At least you'd be living.
I know.
Listen, Carl.
You may not worry about
your health, but I sure do...
and so does the
rest of your family.
But, Harriette, the stuff the
doc wants me to do is a real pain.
I'll tell you what
gives me a pain, Carl.
The thought of
living without you.
Oh, Harriette.
Carl, we have a lot
to look forward to.
I want both of us to be here
to watch our children grow up...
and get married and
have children of their own.
Would be nice to
have some grandkids.
Yeah.
We're a team, Carl.
Let's do everything we can
to keep this team together.
You're right, sweetheart.
You know, Robert
Browning said it best.
Grow old along with
me The best is yet to be
I love you, Carl.
I love you too, Harriette.