Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 2 - Dance to the Music - full transcript

Carl, I called the precinct and told
them you wouldn't be in again today.

Oh, thank you, baby gums.

Anything else you
need before I go to work?

No. I think I'll just lie here and
let the germs eat away at my body.

Well, look at it this way: It'll be
years before you feel the loss.

Oh, that's right,
Harriette. Mock the sick.

I'm sorry, honey.

Now, listen, drink lots of
fluids and get plenty of rest.

Mm-mm. Hmm.

Ah... Peace.

Good morning, sunshine.



- Steve.
- And how's our congested cop today?

- Why aren't you in school?
- Well, because I'm needed here.

I simply called Principal Shimata
and asked him if I could skip a day.

Well, he was thrilled
to grant my request.

Remind me to thank him.

Hey, let's play a board game, big
guy. I brought a bonanza of choices.

No, thank you. All I wanna
do is lie here and rest.

Monopoly?

- No.
- Clue?

- No.
- Parcheesi?

- No.
- Scrabble? Checkers? Chutes and Ladders?

Yahtzee? Risk? Mr. Potato Head?

No. No. No.

- But Carl...
- Go home.



- If you'll just give me...
- Go home, go home, go home.

I don't have to take
this. I'm going home.

Girl, I gotta make
a hair appointment.

I don't know whether to wear my
hair up or wear it down, to the side...

Maybe I should just shave
it all off and start all over.

Go for it.

Max, I've been nominated
for homecoming queen.

- Why aren't you excited?
- Three reasons.

One, I wasn't nominated.
Two, I wasn't nominated.

And three, I wasn't nominated.

- You weren't nominated?
- No.

- So who are you going to the dance with?
- Arnold Shepard.

He's real cute, but one of his
legs is longer than the other.

- So?
- So when we slow dance...

we end up making
small circles to the left.

I'm still hoping that
Ted Curran will ask me.

Well, Ted better ask you soon.

Otherwise you're gonna end up
going with some frightening geek.

How's my little
homecoming queen?

- I haven't won yet.
- Oh, come on. You can't lose.

With your smile, your charm
and that bodacious bod...

At least you can count
on one vote. I mean two.

So, Laura, my luscious
little love bucket...

wanna go to the
homecoming dance with me?

No, thanks.

- All right. Yes!
- What are you so happy about?

- She just turned you down.
- Yes, but with a simple "No, thanks."

Yesterday, she said,
"Drop dead, nerd boy."

I'm wearing you down, baby.

I'm wearing you down.

Harriette, what have you always
wanted but never been able to get?

My own housekeeper.

- Besides that.
- My own bathroom.

- Besides that.
- More closet space.

You know, you're ruining this.

Piano lessons, babe. You
always wanted piano lessons.

Carl, we're stretching
every dollar now.

Nobody in this family can
afford to learn anything.

Sweetheart, that's
the beauty of it.

- These lessons are free.
- How come?

I nabbed a purse snatcher today and the
lady who owned the purse was so grateful...

she offered me
free piano lessons.

Could you keep the enthusiasm
down just a little, Harriette?

I'm sorry, honey. You're right.

Besides, we've got this
great piano over here...

and I've always wanted to
really learn how to play it.

- Well, now you can.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

- Have I made you happy, hon?
- Yes, you have.

How happy?

You'll never know because
I have to go pick up the kids.

Steve. No, Steve, you can't
come over now. I'm studying.

No, I don't wanna hear
the rap song you wrote.

Steve. Steve? Hello?

I'm here to deliver
a rapping telegram

To Miss Laura
Winslow, my honey lamb

She's been asked to the
dance By all the hunks in town

She turns up her nose
And turns them down

She could go with Steve
It would really be hot

'Cause he would jump for
joy And get his shorts in a knot

So he's asking again, bended on one knee
Laura, my pet, won't you please go with me?

I told you no, so
I'll be more graphic

Go out that door and
go play in some traffic

Laura, I've asked you to the dance 26
times and you've shot me down 26 times.

Now, I'm asking you one final time
because I absolutely refuse to beg.

- Will you go to the dance with me?
- No.

Please, Laura. Please.

- Steve.
- No, Laura.

If you don't leave, I'll just
drag you into the backyard...

and turn the garden hose on
you. And you know what that's like.

That won't be necessary.
After all, I have my dignity.

Look, Steve, I'm not saying no
because I don't wanna go with you.

That's just one of the reasons.

- Oh?
- I'm hoping Ted Curran will ask me.

Well, what are you gonna do if this
Curran character doesn't ask you?

- Then I won't go.
- But Laura, you have to.

- You're nominated for homecoming queen.
- I don't care.

If I can't go to the dance
with Ted, then I won't go.

I refuse to settle
for second best.

I understand. That's
the way I feel about you.

- Curran, a moment of your time, please.
- What is it, Urkel?

This won't take long.

I just wanna know who you're
taking to the homecoming dance.

Well, I haven't
asked anyone yet.

Well, how do you feel
about Laura Winslow?

How do I feel?

Man, she's the
prettiest girl in school.

I'd love to take her, but I heard she's
turned down every guy who's asked.

Well, if you ask her,
she won't turn you down.

- Really? How do you know?
- I just know, okay?

I'm sorry. I occasionally
suffer from irregularity.

Oh, this is great. This is
great. I'll ask her today.

Excellent.

Wait a minute. Urkel,
why are you doing this?

I mean, everybody knows
you're crazy about Laura.

Ironic, isn't it? But Laura
wants to go with you...

and all I care about
is her happiness.

Wow. You're like
some kind of nerd saint.

Hey, sorry I can't be here
for your first piano lesson...

but The Fuzz Balls just couldn't do
without old Master Blaster Winslow.

Good evening. Is
Harriette Winslow here?

Who wants to know?

Oscar Marmelzat. I'm here to
give Harriette a piano lesson.

Oh, no, you're not.

A sweet little old lady's supposed to
do that. What have you done with her?

If you're referring to my mother,
I'll be taking over her lessons.

She came down with a terrible cold
that she caught from some overweight cop.

I see.

Well, I'm Carl Winslow
and this is your student...

- my wife, Harriette.
- Hello, Mr. Marmelzat.

- Oh, please, call me Oscar.
- Oscar.

- Shall we begin?
- Uh... Certainly. Ahem.

- Let me get this for you.
- Mm-hm.

- Thank you. Mm-hm.
- You're welcome.

Well, I'm off.

- Okay, all right.
- I said I'm off.

- Okay. Bye, Carl.
- Goodbye.

Please, place your
hands on the keyboard.

Let me put my hands on yours
to help you find the proper notes.

This is middle C.

What is that lovely
fragrance? Arpège? Chanel?

Barbecued chicken.

With a splash of
tub-and-tile cleaner.

You have a wonderful sense of humor.
That's very rare in a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

Ooh. HARRIETTE: Ahem.

I'm not going bowling.

- You're not? How come?
- I'm sick.

Sneeze, sneeze.

I think I'm having a relapse
of that overweight cop virus.

- That's too bad.
- Oh, isn't it, though?

But you just go right ahead
with your piano lesson.

I'll just sit right here
and listen, like a hawk.

- Waldo.
- What's up?

- Were you dancing with Vicky and Mary Ann?
- Yeah.

- Well, which one of them is your date?
- They both are.

Why did you bring
two girls to the dance?

Well, I really like Vicky,
but Mary Ann has a car.

- Waldo, that is a rotten thing to do.
- Yeah, and it backfired.

See, Mary Ann's car is a
two-seater, so I had to take the bus.

Laura, why you look
heartbreakingly beautiful tonight.

- So are you having a good time with Ted?
- Absolutely.

This is the best night of my entire
life. This is like a dream come true.

- I'm sorry, Steve.
- Hey, it's okay.

I'm happy for you. In a heartsick,
gut-wrenching, near-suicidal sort of way.

- Laura, would you like to dance?
- Sure.

Give, there's just
so much to give

Someone there for me To hold

Laura?

- Yeah?
- I'm having a great time.

Me too.

And to think that I
almost didn't ask you.

I was sure hoping you would.

Oh, I had cold feet
until Steve clued me In.

Steve?

Yeah, he said if I asked
you, you'd probably say yes.

But that makes no sense.

Steve is obsessed with me.

He freaks out when I
even mention another guy.

He said he realized that going to the
dance with me would make you happy...

and that's all he
really cares about.

Steve said that?

- Steve Urkel?
- Yep.

- Good night, Oscar. Thank you again here.
- You're welcome and if you ever need...

How about a snack?

- Carl Winslow, have you lost your mind?
- Oh, come on, Harriette...

- one sandwich won't hurt.
- I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about your rude,
childish behavior this evening.

Oh, you mean with Oscar
"Busy Fingers" Marmelzat?

- "Busy Fingers"?
- Harriette, he was all over you.

- Groping, and pawing and touching.
- He was not.

"Let me place my hands on yours
to help you find the proper keys.

What's that lovely fragrance
that you're wearing?"

- Give me a break.
- Carl, you're doing it again.

Every time somebody looks at
me cross-eyed, you go bananas.

You've gotta stop
being so jealous.

That piano guy was
making moves on my wife.

Harriette, he was trying to get
you between the sheet music.

- With you sitting right here watching?
- Well, those musicians are kinky.

I don't know, Harriette.

You're a beautiful, vibrant, terrific
woman and frankly, I'm scared.

Scared of what?

Well, that some guy
who's younger and thinner...

and more handsome's gonna come
along and steal you away from me.

Carl, that will never happen.

It won't?

I make the choice of
who I want to be with...

and I choose you.

Thanks, honey.

Hello?

Is this thing on? Good.

Well, now it's time to announce
our homecoming queen.

Would the three nominees
kindly haul their butts up here?

Melanie Pearson...
Laura Winslow...

and Delcina Tutweiler.

This year, the Vanderbilt
homecoming queen is...

Laura Winslow.

Congratulations, Laura.

Keep it short.

Thank you, everybody.

- I...
- Okay, that was beautiful.

But now it's time for
the Queen's Dance.

Who's the lucky
young man, Laura?

This dance goes to the one guy who
has always treated me like a queen...

Steve Urkel.

When a man loves a woman

Can't keep his
mind on nothin' else

He'd change the world For
the good thing he's found

If she is bad He can't see it

She can do no wrong

Turn his back on his best
friend If he put her down.

When a man loves a woman

He can do her no wrong

He can never hug some other girl

Yes, when a man loves a woman

I know exactly how
he feels Baby, baby

When a man loves a woman