Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 16 - Heart Strings - full transcript

Laura cries on Urkel's shoulder when she and Ted break off their relationship, just before Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, Gwendoyln hopes to snare herself a valentine of her own - Richie.

- What are you doing?
- Hi, Gwendolyn.

I'm going down to the
basement to hunt for spiders.

Why?

You wouldn't understand.
It's a guy thing.

- Gotta jam.
- Wait.

Did you know this
Sunday is Valentine's Day?

So?

So I was wondering...

- would you like to be my Valentine?
- Why?

You wouldn't
understand. It's a girl thing.

Greetings, Winslows.



Oh, hi, Gwendolyn.

Hello, Mr. Urkel.

Oh, mister?

I like the sound of that.

It rings of respect, maturity...

and poise...

- So, where's Laura?
- I don't know.

Laura. Laura.

She must be gone.

Or she wants me to
think that she's gone.

Well, I am not falling for it.

Mr. Urkel, I need some advice.

- Well, about what?
- Romance.

I want Richie to
be my Valentine...



but he seems not to
pay any attention to me.

Do you think there's
another woman?

Well, I doubt it.

Then I guess he
just doesn't like me.

Oh, pish tosh.

What have you been eating, kid?

Everybody likes you.

Then how come I can't get
that delicious dude to notice me?

Well, don't you worry, Gwendolyn.
I will get you and Richie together.

You see, I'm an expert
when it comes to l'amour.

Take the luscious Laura
Winslow, for example.

The little minx
absolutely adores me.

But she disguises her
undying love for me...

with what appears
to be total repulsion.

It's a classic case of denial.

But I'm on to her little games.

Yep, and it's impossible for her
to put one over on Steven Q. Urkel.

See, I'm cheering
you up already.

What a miserable evening.

Calm down, Harriette.
You're overreacting.

I am not. I don't ever wanna
go to that restaurant again.

That's just as well
because we'll probably never

be allowed to go back
in that restaurant again.

- What?
- Oh, nothing. Never mind.

No, don't "nothing,
never mind" me, Carl. If

you have something
to say, just spit it out.

All right, Harriette.

You were a little
abrasive tonight.

Abrasive? I was not abrasive.

Well, yeah, maybe
abrasive is the wrong word.

Maybe a better word is loud.

Loud?

Like that.

And you got louder...

every time you made the maître
d' move us to another table.

Our first table was
right next to the entrance

where everybody was
waiting to be seated.

I do not like 30 people hanging
over my shoulder saying:

"Hey, señora, can
you eat a little faster?"

I understand that.

So they picked up all
our stuff and moved us.

Yeah, right next
to the bathrooms.

Ordinarily, I like a
table next to the water.

But not when it's swirling
around a porcelain tank.

I understand that.

So they picked up all our
stuff and moved us again.

And deliberately sat us
next to a cigar smoker.

You know, you were
rude to that guy, Harriette.

I simply put out his cigar.

In his soup.

Did I embarrass you, Carl?

Yes, Harriette. To be quite
frank, I was embarrassed.

And so were all
the other customers.

No, they weren't.

Harriette, they
applauded when we left.

Oh, no, no, no,
Carl. You're wrong.

The maître d' gave me
a two-for-one coupon.

Look at it again, Harriette.

It's to another restaurant.

Carl, I am not a weak, wimpy
woman that's afraid to speak her mind.

When I'm unhappy
about something, I say so.

And it would be nice if you
would support me sometimes...

instead of hiding behind your napkin,
worrying about what other people think.

- I do not care what other people think.
- You most certainly do.

I do not. Keep your voice
down. Neighbors might hear.

Mail's here. Would
you like to see it?

Just put it on the
table. I'll look at it later.

You mean this table? Or would
you like to move to another table?

Hi, guys.

Hi.

I'm going shopping.
I'll see you later.

Oh. Would you like
me to come along?

Oh, no. You know
how I act in public.

I wouldn't want
to embarrass you.

Oh, you're right.

You might get us banned
from the market too.

Uh... Do I sense
some marital discord?

Might I suggest a romantic dinner
for two at a cozy little restaurant?

I know a wonderful place where they
give you doggie bags in the shape of swans.

- Laura, my pet.
- Hi, Steve.

Well, what's the
matter, darling?

I can't find any tissue.

Oh, well, here. Use my hanky.

And by all means, keep it.

Thanks.

Now, tell Stevie what's
bothering his little Laura-poo.

Ted and I had a terrible fight.

Oh...

What happened?

Well, I went to the cafeteria
to meet Ted for lunch.

He was blatantly flirting
with Chantelle Schwartz.

That cad. What happened?

Well, you know how Chantelle is.

First, she wiggled past him.

And then she said:

"Hello, Teddy. You
looking fine, baby."

That tramp.

And do you know what he said?

No, what?

He said, "Thanks, so do you."

So then I told him that he should
put his eyes back in his sockets...

and he said my jealousy
was getting out of hand.

I said his flirting was
getting out of hand...

he said we've been seeing
too much of each other.

I said maybe we should
cool it for a while...

and before I knew it,
we were breaking up.

Oh, my poor, poor baby.

Oh...

This is a terrible
tragedy in your life.

You're gonna have to pull yourself
together and look on the bright side.

What bright side?

Well, now you're
free to find Mr. Right.

And who knows...

Mr. Right could be
Mr. Right-Under-Your-Nose.

What?

Well, sure, baby. In a few hours,
you just may say to yourself, "Hey...

Steve is looking kind of hunky."

Only a desperate loser would
pursue a woman on the rebound.

I'll do it.

Steve, what are you up to now?

Read the tag.

"Open this box and get
a chocolate surprise."

Surprise. Sweets for my sweet.

Wait, wait, wait.

At least taste the
nutty one in the middle.

No, thanks. I'm
on a no-pest diet.

Take that silly thing off.

My ear, my ear.

Laura Lee Winslow...

Laura Lee Winslow,
will you be my Valentine?

Steve, every year you ask
me to be your Valentine...

and every year I turn you down. What made
you think this year would be different?

Oh, I don't know.

I just thought that
since you and Ted broke

up, well, you might be
feeling kind of lonely.

And since I'm always lonely...

well, I thought that maybe we
could be each other's valentine.

And for a short while...

a few bittersweet hours...

we could help guide each other through
the rocky shoals of human heartache.

Oh, Steve, that's beautiful.

Thanks. Kermit said that to Miss
Piggy in The Muppets Go Hawaiian.

Listen, I might agree
to be your valentine.

- Oh, oh, oh!
- But... But... But only on one condition.

Well, what's that?

- There can't be any lip contact.
- Ah.

The ignominious no-lip clause.

You know, baby, I'm a pretty
hard-nosed negotiator, and I...

- Take it or leave it.
- I'll take it.

Happy Valentine's Day, Steve.

Happy Valentine's Day, Laura.

Ah.

- I'm ready, Uncle Steve.
- Oh...

Oh, Richie, why, you
cut quite a dashing figure.

Why do I have to wear
my dress-up clothes?

I haven't worn this stuff since
Uncle Louie bought the farm.

Well, I didn't know
your Uncle Louie died.

He didn't. He bought a farm.

Oh, I see.

Well...

have a seat and your waiter
will be with you in a moment.

Waiter?

It's all part of the big
surprise I promised you.

Just relax and enjoy.

Good evening, Mr. Crawford,
and welcome to Chez Winslow.

Eddie?

Yes, I'm Edward and I'll
be serving you this evening.

What's going on?

Would you like something to drink
while you wait for your companion?

My what?

Good evening, Gwendolyn.

Good evening, Mr. Urkel.

Is everything going okay?

Perfectly.

I'm feeling a little nervous.

Just do as I told you and
everything will be just fine.

Uh... Eddo?

Could you show
Gwendolyn to a table?

Let me see if I
have one available.

Ah. Table one.

- You look very pretty tonight, Gwendolyn.
- Thank you.

I try.

Oh, Richie, what a surprise.

Gwendolyn, what's going on here?

It's Valentine's Day.

Here, Richie, this is for you.

"Roses are red...
some socks are black...

won't you be my Daddy Mac?"

I wrote that one myself.

Gwendolyn, this yucky goo-goo
stuff makes me nauseous.

I just want you to
be my valentine.

- That's all?
- That's all.

Okay, then.

If it's that big a deal to
you, I'll be your valentine.

- Really?
- Really.

Now let's blow out this candle
and watch some cartoons.

Whatever you say, dear.

Mrs. Winslow?

Yes, Mr. Winslow?

Would you accept
a dozen roses...

as an apology for the reprehensible
behavior of your foolish husband?

Nope.

Oh.

How about I throw in a
two-pound box of chocolates?

Now you're talking.

Honey, you know, I
just hate it when we fight.

Me too.

You know what I realized
a few moments ago?

That you couldn't sneak a piece of
this candy without breaking the seal?

Besides that.

No, I realized that I
was angry at you...

for being stubborn and
pushy at the restaurant.

And I was angry at you for
being wimpy and indecisive.

I know.

But, you know, I guess another
word for stubborn is strong-willed.

And another word
for pushy is assertive.

Sweetheart, one of the main
reasons why I fell in love with you...

is because you're a strong
and assertive woman.

I guess other words for
wimpy and indecisive...

could be tolerant
and understanding.

Those are the things that
I've always loved about you.

Do you remember when
we bought this house?

You were so strong
and assertive...

that the seller came down 10
grand just to get you off his back.

You know, Carl...

maybe the qualities that
we admire about each other...

are also the qualities
that annoy us.

I mean, depending
on the circumstances.

You're right. But you know?

No matter how
angry I get at you...

sweetheart, I will always love you
from the very bottom of my heart.

I love you too, Carl.

- Hey, Mrs. Winslow.
- Mm?

Would you be my valentine?

I'll take that as a yes.

Hello, Richie. How's
my favorite Daddy Mac?

Hi, Gwendolyn. That Jeep is fat.

Thanks. Wanna take
this baby for a spin?

Sure. Heh.

What's this? Sound system?

Yeah. Check it out.

Jing-jing-jing-jing
Jing-jing-jing-a-ling

Jing-jing-jing-jing
Jing-jing-jing-a-ling

Jing-jing-jing-jing
Jing-jing-jing-a-ling

My heart is on standstill

Great song. Heh-heh.

Wait until you
hear the next one.

Would you care to dance?

In your dreams, babe.