Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 14 - A Thought in the Dark - full transcript

When Ted and Laura become tired of Urkel interfering in their relationship, they decide to set him up with a girlfriend of his own - the beautiful Myra Monkhouse. The foursome head off to a...

Yo, Ted. Laura.

- Hi, Waldo.
- What's up?

- Are you an usher here?
- Yep.

Thought you had a job
with the crew at the airport.

I did, but they fired me when I directed
a jumbo jet into the luggage carousel.

Wait here.

Now, remember, in the unlikely
event of a water landing...

your seat cushion may be
used as a flotation device.

- Thanks, Waldo.
- No prob, Bob.

Excuse me.

Wow. This is fantastic.



Yeah, C&C Music Factory, live.

No, I mean us. You and me.

And no Steve Urkel.

You mean no Steve Urkel yet. He's
followed us on every date we've ever had.

Man, he just won't give up.

You know what we need?
An Urkel-size Roach Motel.

Hey, what about introducing
him to another girl?

Get real, Ted. Who would be
willing to go out with Steve Urkel?

My cousin Myra
might want to meet him.

Really?

What's wrong with her?

Nothing. She's just
attracted to brainy guys.

That sounds good, but there's still
one problem: Steve is obsessed with me.

Yo, man. Dock them boats, man.



Don't worry, be happy,
everything gonna be all right.

Hey, man, you used to
drive a blue Toyota, man?

- Yeah, but what do you mean "used to"?
- It's on fire, man.

Oh, pretty lady.

Dump the pretty boy
and we be jamming.

- Steve, that's enough.
- Ow!

That was bobby-pinned.

- Urkel.
- Whoa-oh.

My car was not on fire.

- Go home, Urkel.
- Hey, I paid for my...

I said go home.

- Calm down. CROWD: Go
home, go home, go home!

I don't have to take this.

I'm going home.

My dreadlocks, if you please.

Hey, Judy. What's
the matter, sweetheart?

I'm dead meat. You remember Mom's fancy
dress with all the sparkly things on it?

- You mean sequins?
- Yeah.

Well, I sort of tried it on,
and I sort of got it dirty...

and I sort of put it in
the washing machine.

Uh-oh. Was it damaged?

Well, don't worry, sweetheart.

The next time we go out, we'll
just glue these on to your mother.

Daddy, you've got to
help me. Mom will kill me.

Heh, heh. Take it
easy, sweetheart.

I'll tell you what. We'll wait till
your mom is in a good mood...

and then I'll
explain things to her.

- You're the best.
- Heh, heh, heh.

- Hey, Dad, can I borrow 20 bucks?
- Twenty bucks?

Edward, do you see
this stack of envelopes?

This is not fan mail,
son. These are bills.

How about 15?

Edward, do you see this bill?

It's from the Land
O' Lincoln Casualty.

Four hundred dollars
for your car insurance.

Whoa.

- Hey, that's a lot of money.
- You said it.

I wouldn't pay it.

Edward.

You know how you're always complaining
about how I treat you like a kid?

Well, I'm gonna give you
some real adult responsibility.

From now on you are gonna start
paying at least part of your car insurance.

- But Dad...
- No buts.

The quarterly premium is $400...

so I expect you to pay at least one-fourth
of that amount out of your paycheck.

But that's 60 bucks.

A hundred. Nice try, son.

Dad, do you know how
many times I have to say:

"How about some mustard on that
Mighty Wienie?" to make 100 bucks?

No, but keep track.

The guys down at the precinct
love interesting facts like that.

Oh, sure, mock me. But let
me tell you something, Dad.

I didn't get this part-time
job to be responsible.

I got it to impress chicks.

- Laura, my pet?
- Thanks for coming, Steve.

Oh, sorry I'm tardy, but I just
got back from the optometrist.

He dilated the old peepers,
so things are a little foggy.

Is that a new hairdo?

- Steve, I'm over here.
- Ah.

So, what's on your
gorgeous mind?

Ah.

I have some tickets to the Dave
Koz concert, and I want you to go...

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

A thousand times, yes!

Why, this is the
greatest day of my life!

- Well, Ted's coming too.
- Oh.

Well, ordinarily three's a
crowd, but in this case...

It's not just the three of us.

- Ted's bringing his cousin Myra.
- Oh?

Well, in some mountainous regions of the
country that sort of thing is acceptable...

but here in the Windy City, we
have regulations, we have protocol.

Steve.

Oh, darling, what
difference does it make...

if two or a thousand
people tag along...

as long as we're together.

Laura?

Have you been eating?

Why, you're nothing
but skin and bones.

Oh.

Listen, it's a double date.

I'll be with Ted, and
you'll be with Myra.

Ted told her all about you, and despite
that, she's looking forward to meeting you.

Wait a minute.

This is a transparent attempt to
pawn me off on another woman.

Well, it ain't gonna work.
Never in a million years.

- Please, Stevie?
- Okay.

And these are for you, sweetums.

And these are for
what's-her-name.

Her name is Myra.

Yeah, well, you better
write it on your face,

because that's where
I'll be looking all night.

Look, Steve, give the poor girl a chance.
Who knows, you might even like her.

Ha! I'd be very
surprised indeed.

Hi.

Myra, this is Laura.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Hello.

And this is your
date, Steve Urkel.

- Hello, Steve.
- Hello.

I'm sure you're aware that Myra
was a seaport in ancient Lycia.

Oh, yes, and I'm sure that you're
aware that Steve derives from the Greek...

Stephanos, i.e. crown.

But of course.

And these are pour vous.

Oh, they're beautiful.

I just love ranunculus.

And look at these lovely
catananche caerulea.

What?

Buttercups and Cupid's-dart.

Read a book.

- Come on, guys. We'd better get going.
- Après vous, my little ancient seaport.

Merci, my handsome Stephanos.

- What a cute little snort.
- Oh!

Are you paying Edward's
share of his car insurance?

Yeah, he met this new girl
and wanted to take her to dinner.

Don't worry, he
promised to pay me back.

Ah. Oh. Uh-huh.

Always coddling that
kid, boy, I'll tell you.

Carl, are you saying
that I'm coddling Eddie?

Well, since you brought it up...

- Carl, I'm simply helping him.
- Harriette, that is not helping him.

Now, Edward needs
to learn responsibility.

How is he gonna do that if
you always let him off the hook?

- Carl, calm down.
- I will not calm down.

I mean, this is very important.

Carl...

let me get this straight. You're
saying that if our kids screw up...

- we should let them take their lumps?
- Absolutely. How else will they learn?

- No exceptions?
- None.

- Then why are you covering for Judy?
- Say what?

You told me that my red sequin
gown was mixed up in the laundry.

What you didn't tell me was that
Judy was the one that ruined it.

Me helping Judy is totally
different from you helping Eddie.

Oh? How?

You weren't supposed
to find out about Judy.

Carl, our daughter
has a conscience.

She came to me and
confessed the whole thing.

I see.

Well, I'm gonna have
to have a talk with her.

Stamp out that
pesky honest streak.

Carl, let's face it.

Edward has always been able to
get away with anything with me...

and Laura and Judy have you
wrapped around their little fingers.

I guess that's true.

You know, whenever I
put my foot down, they

bat their pretty little
eyes, and I crumble.

Well, that's okay, honey.

Our children need to
learn responsibility...

but they also need to know
that we're there to help them.

You know something? You are a
very wise woman, Mrs. Winslow.

Why, thank you, Mr. Winslow.

I think we make
a great team too.

I foul everything up and
you straighten everything out.

Honey, you're being a little hard on
yourself. I mess up sometimes too.

Oh?

Well, I can't think of any examples, but
I'm sure it's bound to happen someday.

These are great seats.

Well, Ted got the tickets.

No, they're great because
I'm sitting next to you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

WJGZ Radio and The Chicago
Concert Series are proud to present...

the sultan of the
sensuous saxophone...

Dave Koz!

Laura, you look
fabulous tonight.

Oh, please.

Laura's too smart to
fall for that trite goop.

Ted, you're so sweet.

I hope she doesn't notice
that huge zit behind my ear.

That's a nice tie.

Oh, thanks. It's a clip-on.

Oh, why did I say that?

Would it have been a crime to let
her think that I can tie my own tie?

Ew. I wonder if Laura has
noticed Ted's humongous zit.

Let's see.

If Ivana Trump married Neil
Diamond, she'd be Ivana Diamond.

- Do you mind?
- Not at all.

Ted almost caught
me staring at his zit.

Oh, I wish Steve would
put his arm around me.

Hm. Maybe I can give
him some encouragement.

Oh, my God. Did I use deodorant?

Yes. Fresh as a pine forest.

I wonder if I should put my
arm around the little vixen.

Oh, go for it, you studster.

Yes. Touchdown!

I really like him.

She really likes me.

She really likes him.

She really likes him?

Now, if Ivana Trump divorced Neil
Diamond and married Jack Nicklaus...

she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus.

Laura, isn't this romantic?

It sure is.

Myra...

isn't this romantic?

It sure is.

Oh. Oh.

Stop the music! Stop the music!

Stop the music!

Steve, what are you doing?

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I, Steven Q. Urkel, am
guilty of emotional adultery.

Ever since kindergarten,
I've loved one girl...

and one girl only.

The lovely Laura Winslow.

Stand up, Laura. Take a bow.

Well, come on, stand up
and show that funky bod.

Is this a raving beauty,
or what? Huh? Huh? Huh?

In a perfect world...

Laura and I would be a
couple, an item, a pair.

But alas, it's not
a perfect world...

and Laura is here
with another man.

Oh, stand up, pretty boy.

Ted's an okay guy, but he's
got two things I don't have...

my woman, and a
humongous zit behind his ear.

Dave Koz, ladies and
gentlemen, Dave Koz.

Hey, you. Do you think you
could wrap this up already?

- I'm trying to give a concert here.
- Oh, hang tight, Davey.

Folks, Laura and Ted
arranged for me to date

this lovely, intelligent
girl right here.

Stand up, Myra. Take a bow.

Park it.

She's a delightful,
sweet young lady.

But enchanting though she is...

my heart will always
and forever belong to...

the lovely Laura.

Laura Lee Winslow...

the girl with a smile that can light
the darkest corners of my heart.

Her ripe, full lips could kiss away all
the sorrows and worries of my weary soul.

Tonight, I was tempted by
the effervescent personality...

and bodacious bod of another...

and by God, I nearly succumbed.

But I hereby declare...

and all of you are
my witnesses...

that I shall never,
ever stray. Nay, I say.

Instead, I shall redouble my
efforts to win Laura's heart.

I shall pursue
her relentlessly...

until I hear those three magical words
I have waited my entire life to hear:

"I give up."

I wonder if I'd have the guts to
make a speech like that to win a girl.

Fortunately, with my
looks, I'll never have to.

I'm going to kill Steve.

Yep, he needs to be killed.

He's dead.

I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna
kill him, I'm gonna kill him.

I think I really
impressed Laura tonight.

Yep, she wants me bad.

Oh, it's a pity I
had to hurt Myra.

After tonight, she'll
never forgive me.

God, I want Steve.

I know size isn't important,
but I bet his brain is huge.

I don't know what he
sees in that Laura...

but I swear, I'll never
rest until I make him mine.

If Ivana Trump divorced Neil
Diamond and Jack Nicklaus...

and married Ron Darling, she'd
be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.