Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 11 - Muskrat Love - full transcript
While Eddie tries to date a girl that his friends think is undesirable, Laura tries to get Maxine out of a date with Ted that she has set up. At the dance, Eddie firmly stands up for his decision to keep dating Melissa because he believes in the quality of the girl is far more important than the quantity and calls out Weasel for wanting a girl for her looks more. During the end credits, Steve and Maxine shares a dance together after Ted and Laura make up. Meanwhile, Carl gives Harriette exercise equipment for her birthday, to no surprise, it makes her feel worse. He immediately returns the trampoline and buys her a diamond bracelet to make up for his insensitivity.
Yeah! Eddie!
Greetings, fellow students.
Yo, stand back,
everybody. I'm going first.
Hold your breath,
Steve. You're going down.
Dream on, Eddo. You
couldn't hit Wisconsin.
Oh, please. Why, I've
seen better arms on a chair.
Yo, everybody. How about a little help?
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, no fair.
Laura, do something.
Okay, Steve.
On three, everybody.
One...
two, three.
- Stand back, everybody.
- Uh-oh.
What a woman.
Hey, Max. MAXINE: Hey, Ted.
- Hello, Laura.
- Hello.
Can I read your palm?
No, but you can
read my lips. Get lost.
Laura, don't you think you
were a little rough on Ted?
Maxine, he let his friends think
we slept together. He's a liar.
That was two months ago. He
apologized in front of the whole school.
I think he's a nice guy who
made a mistake and is truly sorry.
Well, maybe, but I'm not
ready to forgive him yet.
But what if another girl would ask
him to the Sadie Hawkins dance?
Wouldn't you be upset?
No way. It wouldn't
bother me at all.
I'd help the girl
pick out her shoes.
Wow. What a great turnout.
I bet the school pulls in
a nice chunk of change.
Carl, do you like this dress?
I love that dress. Yellow
is a great color for you.
No, it isn't. I look
like a school bus.
- No you don't.
- Yes I do.
All I need is a sign on my
back, "Stop when lights flash."
Harriette, please.
You look wonderful.
Thank you, but I don't feel
wonderful. I feel fat. Come on.
Hey, listen, let's change
the subject. Okay?
Good idea. Tomorrow for my
birthday, no cake or ice cream.
Harriette, you're not fat. So
stop dwelling on the subject.
- Let's just forget about it.
- You're right.
Oh, hello, ma'am?
- Would you like me to guess your weight?
- Why? Do I look fat?
Let's see. I see a
recent challenge.
A math test. Ah.
Yeah, I had a math test
yesterday. How'd you know that?
You still have the trig
formulas written on your hand.
I do not.
I know. I was just
kidding. I'm in your class.
Oh, that's right.
You're Jane Bowman.
Close. Close. I'm
Melissa Robbins.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Jane and I are a lot alike.
We both have hair. Heh, heh.
Well, it's nice to meet
you, Melissa. I'm...
Eddie Winslow.
I know your sister, Laura.
She told me all about you.
- Uh-oh. Yeah, what'd she say?
- Good things. Good things.
You're a terrific big brother,
you're an all-city basketball player.
True, true.
And you won't go to sleep
without your Scooby-Doo night light.
Hey, keep it moving,
Mr. Lead Pants.
Don't tucker your pucker,
Curran. It's me she wants.
- Hi, Laura.
- You're lucky this is for charity, Ted.
Look, Laura, I know you're still
mad at me and I don't blame you.
But, girl, I'm
miserable without you.
Look at this.
You're better than my favorite soap
opera, The Young and the Useless.
You're really
miserable without me?
I swear, Laura. I can't sleep.
I can't eat. Please forgive me.
Yoo-hoo-dee-hoo!
Hey, now. Hey, that's
more than a buck's worth.
Listen. Hey, hey, hey, vacuum
face, I said that's enough.
Look, Ted, maybe you
and I could start over.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Would you like to go
to the dance with me?
Yes. I mean, no.
Uh, Laura, Maxine
asked me and I said yes.
Me and my big mouth.
I told Max I didn't care if
you went with someone else.
- We'll go out next weekend.
- Sure.
Yeah, well, walk on, pretty boy.
Now that the boys are gone...
it's time to lock
lips with a man.
Shift change.
So, Melissa, do you see
anything in here about a dance?
Hm...
Yes, I do. Oh, you
are having a great time.
Can you see who I'm with?
Well, uh... she's
very mysterious.
But she was afraid to ask you
because she wasn't sure if you'd accept.
Well, uh, I hope she's
the adventurous type.
Will you go to the
dance with me?
It says here I'll
pick you up at 8.
Hey, guys, guess what. I got my
date for the Sadie Hawkins dance.
- Cool.
- Who's the lucky babe?
- Melissa Robbins.
- Heh, heh, heh.
That's a good one, man.
Melissa Robbins. Ha, ha, ha.
No, come on. Who
you really going with?
I just told you.
Melissa Robbins.
Oh.
What?
Let me see, how can
I put this delicately?
She's a dog.
She is not.
Oh, please. She wouldn't
be allowed in a restaurant...
unless she was
leading a blind guy.
Listen, guys, Melissa's
really a nice girl.
She's a schnauzer in a skirt.
Bounce that bow-wow
and find somebody fly.
Hi, Eddie.
What's the matter?
- Yeah, I'm embarrassed. Heh.
- Heh, heh.
You see, I can't go
with you to the dance.
Oh. Well, how come?
Well, I forgot that next Saturday
I'm taking my dog to be neutered.
Can't you change
the appointment?
No, he's really
looking forward to it.
Uh... I'm sorry, Melissa.
Bye.
Close your eyes, birthday girl.
Hurry, Carl.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Okay, open them. Ta-da!
- You bought me an exercise trampoline?
- Yes.
This baby will take off
the pounds in no time.
Don't you love it?
For my birthday, you bought
me an exercise trampoline?
Yes, and that's not all.
"Lose weight, feel great at Chicago's
premiere health spa, Hip Whippers."
You think I'm fat.
No, no. Harriette,
you're the one that said
you were fat. You've
been saying it for weeks.
- And you agree with me.
- No, no.
- Harriette, it's the thought that counts.
- And you think I'm fat.
No, no.
Carl Winslow, this is the most insensitive,
unromantic gift I have ever received.
But, Har... But...
Well, thank God I didn't
give her the ThighMaster.
- Eddie, Eddie. Look what we got.
- Yeah, check it out.
Wow, Kriss Kross posters.
Look, they autographed it.
- How'd you guys get those?
- We went to their hotel, the Ritz Cracker.
The Ritz Carlton.
Yeah, we hung with them, had
burgers with them, and look...
Kriss wiped his mouth
with this napkin. Ah!
That's unbelievable.
They are the sweetest boys.
Well-mannered and, oh, so talented.
Wait a minute, Grandma.
You actually know Kriss Kross?
Of course.
They pulled me up on
stage at their last concert.
That is amazing. The
greatest things happen to you.
Things don't happen to me,
honey. I make them happen.
- Hey, Laura.
- Hello, slimeball.
Why aren't you out walking our
non-existent, soon-to-be-neutered dog?
- Been talking to Melissa, huh?
- Yeah.
She really liked you,
Eddie. Why'd you dump her?
Butt out, Laura.
It's a guy thing.
Uh-oh. Here comes
something stupid and shallow.
It is not stupid and shallow.
I can't take Melissa to the dance
because she's not pretty enough.
That's neither
stupid nor shallow.
You must have
been switched at birth.
Come on, Laura. It's like the
guys said, I gotta protect my image.
Oh, the guys.
Would this be the esteemed
Waldo and the revered Weasel?
Yeah.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You hurt a really nice girl...
just because you didn't have
the guts to stand up to your friends.
Harriette.
Look...
I want you to know that I
finally realize how stupid I was.
I did a very insensitive thing and I
promise you it will never happen again.
Just one question, hon.
- What?
- What'd I do?
Carl, I was feeling real
insecure about my weight...
and when you bought that trampoline,
I thought you thought what I thought.
I couldn't possibly
think what you think...
because I never have a
clue what you're thinking.
Well, I can't expect for you to
read my mind. I'm sorry, Carl.
It's just that I've picked up a few
pounds and I'm mad at the world.
Well, I'm sorry too, babe.
I mean, you may not believe this, but there
are times when I actually feel portly.
- Oh?
- Yeah, but I don't worry about it.
See, because I know that you
think that I am incredibly handsome.
Yo, Harriette, jump
in here anytime, babe.
See, Carl, for a second
there, when I didn't answer...
didn't you feel a
little bit insecure?
- Well, yeah, I guess I did.
- Well, see, that's my point.
The bottom line is,
if I feel fat, I'm fat.
Well, the bottom line for me...
is that no matter how you feel,
you'll always be beautiful to me.
- Here, sweetheart.
- What's this?
It's the present I should have
bought you in the first place.
The present that
expresses how I truly feel.
That you...
are the most wonderful, the
most beautiful person in my life.
Oh, Carl.
Carl, it's lovely.
Not as lovely as you, dear.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, Carl.
Hi, Waldo. WALDO: What's up?
Hey, sweet thing.
You looking good, baby.
Weasel, go take a nap
on the railroad tracks.
Oh, I like them sassy too now.
You've got a choice. You can
walk away or be carried away.
Later, baby.
What's Maxine doing with
Ted? I thought you liked him.
I do, but things
got all mixed up.
Check it out. What's
Melissa doing with Urkel?
Tonight's just one
big crazy mix-up.
You telling me. I'm
here for gym class.
- You look great, Ted.
- She does, doesn't she?
- No, I said you look great, Ted.
- Oh, thanks.
- Is she wearing a new dress?
- I wouldn't know.
Oh, I'm sorry, Max. You
look fabulous. You look great.
All the guys are staring at you.
And you're staring at Laura.
Come on.
Listen, you wanted to
go with Ted to the dance...
and Ted wanted to go
with you to the dance...
so why don't you
both just dance.
- Thanks, Max. You're the best.
- I know.
Oh, with you
'Cause I can't help myself
You're like nobody else
What can I do?
There you go
Thanks for coming to
the dance with me, Steve.
Oh, pish-tosh. We're friends, Mel.
Besides, it's comforting to know...
you respect my feelings
for the lovely Laura Winslow.
Yes, I do, Steve.
So when I take
you home tonight...
I'd appreciate if you didn't try to
take advantage of me physically.
I'll try to control myself.
- Hey, guys.
- Eduardo.
What's up?
Yo, Winslow, you're just in time.
Look what the nerd dragged in.
Cute couple, huh?
A boy and his dog.
You've got a lot of nerve, you
played-out, cold-hearted, bow-legged...
banana-brained,
gum-slapping, trash-talking, pig.
- You talking to me?
- Yes.
Just checking. Go ahead.
Weasel, you are the last person that
should be giving me advice about girls...
because, buddy, check
this out, you're alone.
Just temporarily.
Listen, Melissa may
not be a cover girl...
but you know what? I
find her very attractive.
Let me tell you
something, Weasel...
if all you look for is the float
with Miss America on it...
the whole parade is
gonna pass you by.
- What was that for?
- I'm missing a parade.
Surprisingly, that kind of
fungus won't grow on bacon.
Hey, excuse me, Steve,
can I talk to Melissa a second?
Oh, certainly, Eddo. I'll be
right back, tres quick avec punch.
Ahem. Um...
Melissa, I lied.
I don't have a dog.
And the truth is, I
backed out of our date.
I figured that.
Look, I know I'm not the type
of girl that you usually date...
You're right, you're not.
You're funny, you're smart,
and I really enjoy being with you.
I'm really sorry, Melissa.
Do you wanna dance?
I'd love to.
I lose my self-control with you
'Cause I do what I do
'Cause I'm so into you
I get really lost
Here I go, here I go,
here I go, here I go Oh, oh
Well, Max, it looks
like it's just you and me.
- Care to cop a swirl?
- Sure.
Steve, is it all right if I
pretend that you're Ted?
Why not? I'm pretending
that you're Laura.
Greetings, fellow students.
Yo, stand back,
everybody. I'm going first.
Hold your breath,
Steve. You're going down.
Dream on, Eddo. You
couldn't hit Wisconsin.
Oh, please. Why, I've
seen better arms on a chair.
Yo, everybody. How about a little help?
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, no fair.
Laura, do something.
Okay, Steve.
On three, everybody.
One...
two, three.
- Stand back, everybody.
- Uh-oh.
What a woman.
Hey, Max. MAXINE: Hey, Ted.
- Hello, Laura.
- Hello.
Can I read your palm?
No, but you can
read my lips. Get lost.
Laura, don't you think you
were a little rough on Ted?
Maxine, he let his friends think
we slept together. He's a liar.
That was two months ago. He
apologized in front of the whole school.
I think he's a nice guy who
made a mistake and is truly sorry.
Well, maybe, but I'm not
ready to forgive him yet.
But what if another girl would ask
him to the Sadie Hawkins dance?
Wouldn't you be upset?
No way. It wouldn't
bother me at all.
I'd help the girl
pick out her shoes.
Wow. What a great turnout.
I bet the school pulls in
a nice chunk of change.
Carl, do you like this dress?
I love that dress. Yellow
is a great color for you.
No, it isn't. I look
like a school bus.
- No you don't.
- Yes I do.
All I need is a sign on my
back, "Stop when lights flash."
Harriette, please.
You look wonderful.
Thank you, but I don't feel
wonderful. I feel fat. Come on.
Hey, listen, let's change
the subject. Okay?
Good idea. Tomorrow for my
birthday, no cake or ice cream.
Harriette, you're not fat. So
stop dwelling on the subject.
- Let's just forget about it.
- You're right.
Oh, hello, ma'am?
- Would you like me to guess your weight?
- Why? Do I look fat?
Let's see. I see a
recent challenge.
A math test. Ah.
Yeah, I had a math test
yesterday. How'd you know that?
You still have the trig
formulas written on your hand.
I do not.
I know. I was just
kidding. I'm in your class.
Oh, that's right.
You're Jane Bowman.
Close. Close. I'm
Melissa Robbins.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Jane and I are a lot alike.
We both have hair. Heh, heh.
Well, it's nice to meet
you, Melissa. I'm...
Eddie Winslow.
I know your sister, Laura.
She told me all about you.
- Uh-oh. Yeah, what'd she say?
- Good things. Good things.
You're a terrific big brother,
you're an all-city basketball player.
True, true.
And you won't go to sleep
without your Scooby-Doo night light.
Hey, keep it moving,
Mr. Lead Pants.
Don't tucker your pucker,
Curran. It's me she wants.
- Hi, Laura.
- You're lucky this is for charity, Ted.
Look, Laura, I know you're still
mad at me and I don't blame you.
But, girl, I'm
miserable without you.
Look at this.
You're better than my favorite soap
opera, The Young and the Useless.
You're really
miserable without me?
I swear, Laura. I can't sleep.
I can't eat. Please forgive me.
Yoo-hoo-dee-hoo!
Hey, now. Hey, that's
more than a buck's worth.
Listen. Hey, hey, hey, vacuum
face, I said that's enough.
Look, Ted, maybe you
and I could start over.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Would you like to go
to the dance with me?
Yes. I mean, no.
Uh, Laura, Maxine
asked me and I said yes.
Me and my big mouth.
I told Max I didn't care if
you went with someone else.
- We'll go out next weekend.
- Sure.
Yeah, well, walk on, pretty boy.
Now that the boys are gone...
it's time to lock
lips with a man.
Shift change.
So, Melissa, do you see
anything in here about a dance?
Hm...
Yes, I do. Oh, you
are having a great time.
Can you see who I'm with?
Well, uh... she's
very mysterious.
But she was afraid to ask you
because she wasn't sure if you'd accept.
Well, uh, I hope she's
the adventurous type.
Will you go to the
dance with me?
It says here I'll
pick you up at 8.
Hey, guys, guess what. I got my
date for the Sadie Hawkins dance.
- Cool.
- Who's the lucky babe?
- Melissa Robbins.
- Heh, heh, heh.
That's a good one, man.
Melissa Robbins. Ha, ha, ha.
No, come on. Who
you really going with?
I just told you.
Melissa Robbins.
Oh.
What?
Let me see, how can
I put this delicately?
She's a dog.
She is not.
Oh, please. She wouldn't
be allowed in a restaurant...
unless she was
leading a blind guy.
Listen, guys, Melissa's
really a nice girl.
She's a schnauzer in a skirt.
Bounce that bow-wow
and find somebody fly.
Hi, Eddie.
What's the matter?
- Yeah, I'm embarrassed. Heh.
- Heh, heh.
You see, I can't go
with you to the dance.
Oh. Well, how come?
Well, I forgot that next Saturday
I'm taking my dog to be neutered.
Can't you change
the appointment?
No, he's really
looking forward to it.
Uh... I'm sorry, Melissa.
Bye.
Close your eyes, birthday girl.
Hurry, Carl.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Okay, open them. Ta-da!
- You bought me an exercise trampoline?
- Yes.
This baby will take off
the pounds in no time.
Don't you love it?
For my birthday, you bought
me an exercise trampoline?
Yes, and that's not all.
"Lose weight, feel great at Chicago's
premiere health spa, Hip Whippers."
You think I'm fat.
No, no. Harriette,
you're the one that said
you were fat. You've
been saying it for weeks.
- And you agree with me.
- No, no.
- Harriette, it's the thought that counts.
- And you think I'm fat.
No, no.
Carl Winslow, this is the most insensitive,
unromantic gift I have ever received.
But, Har... But...
Well, thank God I didn't
give her the ThighMaster.
- Eddie, Eddie. Look what we got.
- Yeah, check it out.
Wow, Kriss Kross posters.
Look, they autographed it.
- How'd you guys get those?
- We went to their hotel, the Ritz Cracker.
The Ritz Carlton.
Yeah, we hung with them, had
burgers with them, and look...
Kriss wiped his mouth
with this napkin. Ah!
That's unbelievable.
They are the sweetest boys.
Well-mannered and, oh, so talented.
Wait a minute, Grandma.
You actually know Kriss Kross?
Of course.
They pulled me up on
stage at their last concert.
That is amazing. The
greatest things happen to you.
Things don't happen to me,
honey. I make them happen.
- Hey, Laura.
- Hello, slimeball.
Why aren't you out walking our
non-existent, soon-to-be-neutered dog?
- Been talking to Melissa, huh?
- Yeah.
She really liked you,
Eddie. Why'd you dump her?
Butt out, Laura.
It's a guy thing.
Uh-oh. Here comes
something stupid and shallow.
It is not stupid and shallow.
I can't take Melissa to the dance
because she's not pretty enough.
That's neither
stupid nor shallow.
You must have
been switched at birth.
Come on, Laura. It's like the
guys said, I gotta protect my image.
Oh, the guys.
Would this be the esteemed
Waldo and the revered Weasel?
Yeah.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You hurt a really nice girl...
just because you didn't have
the guts to stand up to your friends.
Harriette.
Look...
I want you to know that I
finally realize how stupid I was.
I did a very insensitive thing and I
promise you it will never happen again.
Just one question, hon.
- What?
- What'd I do?
Carl, I was feeling real
insecure about my weight...
and when you bought that trampoline,
I thought you thought what I thought.
I couldn't possibly
think what you think...
because I never have a
clue what you're thinking.
Well, I can't expect for you to
read my mind. I'm sorry, Carl.
It's just that I've picked up a few
pounds and I'm mad at the world.
Well, I'm sorry too, babe.
I mean, you may not believe this, but there
are times when I actually feel portly.
- Oh?
- Yeah, but I don't worry about it.
See, because I know that you
think that I am incredibly handsome.
Yo, Harriette, jump
in here anytime, babe.
See, Carl, for a second
there, when I didn't answer...
didn't you feel a
little bit insecure?
- Well, yeah, I guess I did.
- Well, see, that's my point.
The bottom line is,
if I feel fat, I'm fat.
Well, the bottom line for me...
is that no matter how you feel,
you'll always be beautiful to me.
- Here, sweetheart.
- What's this?
It's the present I should have
bought you in the first place.
The present that
expresses how I truly feel.
That you...
are the most wonderful, the
most beautiful person in my life.
Oh, Carl.
Carl, it's lovely.
Not as lovely as you, dear.
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, Carl.
Hi, Waldo. WALDO: What's up?
Hey, sweet thing.
You looking good, baby.
Weasel, go take a nap
on the railroad tracks.
Oh, I like them sassy too now.
You've got a choice. You can
walk away or be carried away.
Later, baby.
What's Maxine doing with
Ted? I thought you liked him.
I do, but things
got all mixed up.
Check it out. What's
Melissa doing with Urkel?
Tonight's just one
big crazy mix-up.
You telling me. I'm
here for gym class.
- You look great, Ted.
- She does, doesn't she?
- No, I said you look great, Ted.
- Oh, thanks.
- Is she wearing a new dress?
- I wouldn't know.
Oh, I'm sorry, Max. You
look fabulous. You look great.
All the guys are staring at you.
And you're staring at Laura.
Come on.
Listen, you wanted to
go with Ted to the dance...
and Ted wanted to go
with you to the dance...
so why don't you
both just dance.
- Thanks, Max. You're the best.
- I know.
Oh, with you
'Cause I can't help myself
You're like nobody else
What can I do?
There you go
Thanks for coming to
the dance with me, Steve.
Oh, pish-tosh. We're friends, Mel.
Besides, it's comforting to know...
you respect my feelings
for the lovely Laura Winslow.
Yes, I do, Steve.
So when I take
you home tonight...
I'd appreciate if you didn't try to
take advantage of me physically.
I'll try to control myself.
- Hey, guys.
- Eduardo.
What's up?
Yo, Winslow, you're just in time.
Look what the nerd dragged in.
Cute couple, huh?
A boy and his dog.
You've got a lot of nerve, you
played-out, cold-hearted, bow-legged...
banana-brained,
gum-slapping, trash-talking, pig.
- You talking to me?
- Yes.
Just checking. Go ahead.
Weasel, you are the last person that
should be giving me advice about girls...
because, buddy, check
this out, you're alone.
Just temporarily.
Listen, Melissa may
not be a cover girl...
but you know what? I
find her very attractive.
Let me tell you
something, Weasel...
if all you look for is the float
with Miss America on it...
the whole parade is
gonna pass you by.
- What was that for?
- I'm missing a parade.
Surprisingly, that kind of
fungus won't grow on bacon.
Hey, excuse me, Steve,
can I talk to Melissa a second?
Oh, certainly, Eddo. I'll be
right back, tres quick avec punch.
Ahem. Um...
Melissa, I lied.
I don't have a dog.
And the truth is, I
backed out of our date.
I figured that.
Look, I know I'm not the type
of girl that you usually date...
You're right, you're not.
You're funny, you're smart,
and I really enjoy being with you.
I'm really sorry, Melissa.
Do you wanna dance?
I'd love to.
I lose my self-control with you
'Cause I do what I do
'Cause I'm so into you
I get really lost
Here I go, here I go,
here I go, here I go Oh, oh
Well, Max, it looks
like it's just you and me.
- Care to cop a swirl?
- Sure.
Steve, is it all right if I
pretend that you're Ted?
Why not? I'm pretending
that you're Laura.