Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 4, Episode 1 - Surely You Joust - full transcript

Feuding neighbors Urkel and Carl decide to settle things on "American Gladiators."

Laura, my little French dip.

Steve, you're late for work.

I know, sweetums, but I had
to put the finishing touches...

- on my latest invention.
- So, what did you invent this time?

Well, I'd like to improve my efficiency as
a waiter, so I took my skateboard and I...

Well, you'll see. It's
demonstration time.

Whoa. Whoa!

Did I do that?

Okay, son, hurry up and
hand me those wire cutters.

Okay, but what's the big rush?

We want to finish
installing this dish in



time for tonight's World
Bikini Contest. Ahh.

- Ahh.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I love you, Dad.

Tada!

Caught you, sweetums.

What do you want, Steve?

- Well, where is everybody?
- Out.

Uh-huh.

You? Me? Lips? Smooch?

- You? Me?
- Oh.

Fist? Hurt?

Oh, you kidder.

So, what were you doing up
there? Shaving the old pits?

I was not shaving my pits.



Oh, hey. That's fine by me.

I kind of go for the
biker-chick look.

Oh. What'd I say?

Women.

Careful with those wires,
Dad. You don't want to get fried.

Son, relax.

I am no neophyte when
it comes to electronics.

You see, these wires
will connect to this cord.

And this cord is not plugged in.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

Hmm. They must have
gotten a new bug zapper.

Sounds like they
zapped a big juicy one.

Steve.

Hey, Waldo.

How's Carl coming with
the new satellite dish?

Almost done. He wants me to
shout up to him how the picture looks.

Mr. Winslow?

Yeah?

The picture looks real dark!

Waldo, honey.

The TV's not on.

Shoot. Then I came
in here for nothing.

Waldo, wait, wait, wait.

We'll turn on the TV for you.

Oh. Cool.

Uh-oh.

The channel keeps changing!

Waldo, I'm doing that.

For crying out loud.

Work with me, people.

Look, we lucked out.

American Gladiators is on.

Twenty seconds to go. Spencer
has adopted a defensive position.

What's American Gladiators?

It's a macho game show.

Two contestants battle gladiators,
and whoever gets the most points wins.

Yeah. I love this show.

It's nothing but a lot of half-naked
men flaunting their muscles.

Exactly. I love this show.

See that gladiator right there?

You mean Sabre?

She knows their names.

Sabre's my cousin.

You got a cousin on television?

Sure. Of course, he's not
the only successful Faldo.

- I have an uncle at Harvard.
- Does he teach?

Nope. His head's in a glass jar.

So how's it going,
Roof Riders in the Sky?

Steve, be careful.
This is not a dance floor.

And what are you doing up
here? Didn't I tell you to stay away?

Oh, now, come on Carl,
that little electrocution thing...

should be a dim memory by now.

Whoa, whoo.

Hey, that cleared my sinuses.

Steve, we're
almost done up here.

Don't mess things up.

Well, look, I'll just
have a little look-see.

Let's see here. Mm-hm.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Mm... Whoa-oh.

What "uh oh"?

Well, you used wood screws
instead of masonry screws.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

Wood screws are good enough.

Well, sure, as long as
the wind never blows.

One good gust and this
baby's a lawn sculpture.

- Steve, get off this roof.
- Now, Carl, I think you're being...

- Get off this roof.
- If you'll just...

Get off this roof. Get off
this roof. Get off this roof!

I don't have to take this.

I'm getting off this roof.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Watch out! Watch out!

Oh, no!

Oh, whew. Oh.
That was a close one.

"Wood screws are good enough."

Take it easy. Take your time.

Wait a minute.
Rachel, watch the knee.

Hurry, you're about to fall.

- Are you sure you're all right?
- I'm fine.

Fortunately, we landed on Steve.

Oh, slowly, slowly.

I'm fine, everyone.

Really, I can make it on my own.

Oh, Steve. Are you okay?

Oh, I'm peachy keen.

I only fell 20 feet...

and had all the male members
of your family land on me.

Carl, I'd appreciate an apology.

What?

You want me to apologize to you?

I came over to
lend a helping hand.

But you were rude,
impatient, and not a nice host.

You ruined our satellite dish and
you almost killed me and my son.

And you think that
justifies coarse behavior?

Steve, go home.

- Now, Carl...
- Go home.

Go home! Go home! Go home!

I don't have to take this.

I'm going home.

And don't you ever come back!

What did you say?

Oh, you heard me.

Don't ever come back.

I will not be bullied.

I love this lady.

And I'll come over
here any time I want to...

and you can't stop me.

- I'm gonna kill him.
- No, no.

Come on. You want a piece
of me, mister? Come and get it.

Come taste my fists of fire!

- Let me go.
- No.

- I'll give you money!
- No, Carl.

What's going on?

- Dad. Dad.
- Stop this.

Stop this.

Now, this is no way to behave.

You two are friends.

Buddies. Neighbors.

We live in a
civilized society...

and by golly we should handle
our differences in a civilized way.

Fortunately, I have a cousin
that can make that happen.

Tonight on
American Gladiators...

a special grudge match
between feuding neighbors.

That's right, Mike.

Tonight's matchup is between
Carl "Bonecrusher" Winslow...

And Steve "Hurricane" Urkel.

It looks like quite a matchup
so stay tuned, America!

Welcome back. Let's talk
to our feuding neighbors.

Bonecrusher, I
understand that besides our

cash prize, you have
a little side bet going.

That's right, Mike.

If I win, and I
most certainly will...

he has to stay away from
my house for the rest of his life.

And, Hurricane, what
happens if you win?

Oh, there's no "if," Mr. Csonka.

When I win, this rude cop has
to give me a heartfelt apology.

Say it, don't spray it.

Okay, gentlemen, go get
ready for the first event.

And good luck.

Let's see how our
contestants match up.

Yes, sir, this is a classic
David and Goliath matchup.

It's strength versus agility.

And Larry, our first
event is the joust.

The contender has 30 seconds to
knock the gladiator from his platform.

If he does, he gets ten points.

First up, Steve "Hurricane" Urkel.
But he draws the awesome Turbo.

Huh.

Steve, where are your glasses?

I don't need them.
I've got contacts.

I don't care who you know.

Where are your glasses?

Get him, honey!

Knock him silly.

Knock his lights out.

Whoa-oh.

Hurricane's doing a pretty good
job of avoiding that pugil stick. Oh!

Spoke too soon.

That's Turbo's eleventh
victory this season.

Steve.

Laura. And Laura.

And Laura.

Steve, you've got to stop this.

Please quit right now.

But why?

I don't want to see
you get hurt, okay?

You do love me.

Now I'll never quit.

Lord, give me the strength
to win for my woman.

Okay, Mike. Let's see how one of
Chicago's finest fares against Turbo.

Ow! Ow! TURBO: Uhn!

Look out, Turbo took a hard one.

Oh, he's in trouble.

Bonecrusher.

Wow.

Bonecrusher taking an
early lead in the competition.

You hit my husband again
and you'll have to answer to me!

- Turbo's down again.
- Yeah, spread the word.

Don't mess with
Mrs. Bonecrusher.

Okay, Steve. You're
down ten points.

I may be down but I'm far
from out, my main Mike man.

Well, Hurricane,
it's time for The Wall.

You've got to get to the top
before the gladiator pulls you off.

- Think you can do it?
- Piece of cake.

Competitors, ready.

Whoa, listen to that crowd.

Gladiators, ready.

- Urkel's looking good.
- He's looking great!

This kid's got some moves!

Well, he told me
earlier he's spent most

of his life dodging
really, really big guys.

Calling all units. Officer down.

- Oh, look, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Where?

Whoa. Looks like Sabre was
on the wrong end of that shoe.

Now there's nothing between
Hurricane and the top of the wall, Larry.

He's over.

And that ties the
score 10 to 10.

Larry, what the heck is that?

Let's hope it's a victory dance.

Our "Eliminator" obstacle
course is the final event...

where the contender
has to go up a treadmill,

across the handbike,
over a spinning log...

up a cargo net, down a zip line and
then down this final straight away...

through the gauntlet and
finally across the finish line.

We're down to the final
event. The score is tied.

Whoever wins "The
Eliminator," wins the match.

Get ready.

Look out. Bonecrusher is having
some trouble with the treadmill.

Well, it's tough. You know, it isn't
exactly the escalator at the mall.

Hey, Bonecrusher's coming back!

Hey, we're gonna have to downgrade
Hurricane Urkel to a tropical depression.

- Hey, I kind of like that weather analogy.
- Thanks, Mike.

Whoa!

Urkel will have to wait five
seconds before he can continue on.

Maybe the rest will help.

Man, oh, man. Bonecrusher's
caught in the net.

How many times have we
seen that happen before?

Fifteen. MIKE: It was a
rhetorical question, Larry.

Oh.

Uh-oh. Hurricane is
catching up. LARRY:

Hey, this guy is one
tough little cookie.

I don't know why
they call him a nerd.

You didn't see him
in his street clothes.

Look at this! We've got a race!

Sabre and Turbo
activating the gauntlet...

and here they come down
the final straight away.

Two tired athletes, but, Larry, it
looks like we've got a race here.

- And it looks like it's Bonecrusher.
- No, it's Hurricane.

It's a photo finish!

Let's take a look at the freeze
frame of that exciting conclusion.

It's official. We have a tie.

The first tie we've ever had
here on American Gladiators.

Gentlemen, great
news. It was a tie.

- What?
- What?

You take a five minute break
and get to do it all over again.

- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.

No. No, look, Steve. - No, no.

Wanna excuse us here?

Steve.

Look, you win.

Mm, uh-uh. You win.

I'll never come over
to your house again.

No, I don't want that.

Listen, Carl, I don't blame you for
being upset about that electrocution thing.

I mean, the sudden catastrophic loss
of seven or eight million brain cells...

would make anyone blow a fuse.

Well, it probably smarted a
little when I landed on top of you.

A little?

It was like being body
slammed by a Steinway.

But what hurt me
even more, Big Guy...

was the thought of being
banished from your home.

That's a pain too
horrible to bear.

Really?

I know I'm a pest, Carl.

But I love you, Big Guy.

And I...

And I...

admire your persistence.

That's good enough for me.