Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 6 - Citizen's Court - full transcript
Urkel annoys Carl with his prized Peruvian beetle. The bug gets loose and a spooked Carl kills it, to Urkel's horror. When Carl refuses to pay for the expensive bug, Urkel decides to see if a television small claims court judge agrees that it was more than "just a stupid bug."
Help! Help!
I'll take the front.
Yo, Dad. Urkel Alert.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh, joy. Look who's here.
Larry, Moe, and Urkel.
Laura, my little Cup O' Noodles.
I have something very
exciting to show you.
Your change of address card?
Nope, something even better.
Feast your eyes on the newest
addition to La Familia Urkel.
All the way from a South
American rain forest...
a Peruvian stick bug, Pablo!
Girls.
Oh, come on, grow some guts.
That thing is so ugly.
Shh. Pablo's bilingual.
Excuse me, but I don't wanna
hear about a bug's sex life.
Steve, why did you
send away for that thing?
Well, the truth is I'm
batty for bugs. I love them.
In fact, every year I attend
the Entomology Expo.
Pablo here is a shoo-in
to win best and most legs.
Pablo? Pablo!
He's gone. He's
gone. Help me find him.
Pablo? Pablo?
Carl.
Oh, my.
Hmm?
Carl, calm down. Calm
down, honey, calm down.
Did you see the
size of that thing?
I'll bet that's what the
bug was thinking too.
Huh!
Got it! Hah!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
No! No! No!
Oh...
Oh, Pablo!
Oh, Pablo!
- Who is Pablo?
- Him.
And him. And... Oh, and him.
How could you do this?
Steve, that thing was staring
right at my jugular. Going like this:
He was doing the mating ritual.
Then I stopped
him just in time. Hoo!
- How can you be so insensitive?
- Steve, it was just a bug.
It was a special bug.
And expensive to boot.
Why, Pablo cost me $486.52.
What? That is way too much
money to spend on a dead insect.
Well, he wasn't
dead until he met you.
Don't you have something
you'd like to say to me?
Yes, clean up that
mess and then go home.
You're in a happier place now.
Where the leaves are succulent
and no one wears shoes.
- Carl, come to bed, it's late.
- I can't.
Every time I close
my eyes, I see that:
You mock the dead?
Steve, what do you want?
I thought I'd give Carl one
last chance to apologize.
Oh, for Pete's sake, Steve,
it was just a stupid bug.
Well, then, we'll see if the judge
thinks it was "just a stupid bug."
- Judge? What judge?
- I'm suing your bug squashing pants off.
No, now, wait a minute, can't you
just settle this amongst yourselves?
- No.
- No.
Small claims court is
backed up for months.
Oh, we don't need
small claims court.
We can settle this on that
TV show, Citizen's Court.
Wa-wa-wa... Wait a minute.
Are you two willing to make
fools of yourselves on national TV?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Just asking.
Hurry! Mom, Judy, it's starting.
- Mom, is Uncle Carl going to jail?
- No, pinhead.
- You don't go to jail for killing a bug.
- Don't call me names, jerk face.
Anything you say, sock breath.
- Kids.
I'm gonna take you to court.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey!
Stop it you two. You're
behaving like adults.
Shh. It's starting.
This is the plaintiff,
Steven Q. Urkel.
He claims the defendant
crushed his Creosylus Spinosis.
He's suing for $486.5 2,
the value of his dead bug.
This is the defendant,
Carl Winslow.
He claims and I quote, "For
Pete's sake, it was just a stupid bug."
I have read your complaint.
All witnesses have been
sworn and are under oath.
Mr. Urkel, could you give us
a brief summary of the facts.
Certainly, Your Honor.
I picked up Pablo, brought him
to the Winslow's, he amscrayed...
Carl found him, got his undies in
a bundle, freaked out and bingo...
486 big ones on the
wrong side of a shoe.
- Thank you. Mr. Winslow...
- Yes, sir.
At this time, Your Honor, I would like to
exercise my right to legal representation.
- Your counsel?
- My daughter. Laura Winslow.
Carl Winslow, of all
the legal chicanery.
You're using the woman I love in a
shameless attempt to unnerve me.
- Nice strategy.
- Thank you.
But it won't work!
Laura, my judicial jujube...
today my only
mistress is the law.
So hang on to your briefs,
mama, I have inherited the wind!
Ms. Winslow, you may
call your first witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I call Estelle
Winslow to the stand.
Allow me.
Now, Mrs. Winslow, you were
present in the room when the bug...
Objection. My bug had a name, Your Honor.
- Sustained.
You were present when the bug,
Pablo stalked and attacked your son, Carl.
Well, it wasn't
exactly a stalking.
- But he was about to attack?
- No. Not really.
And may I add, Steve
is a fine young man.
Move to strike. This
is a hostile witness.
Hostile wit... It's your mother!
- I guess I have no further questions.
- Mr. Urkel, cross examine?
Oh, no need, Your Honor.
My work's been done.
You may step down.
The Defense calls
Harriette Winslow.
Could you please tell us what
line of work your husband is in?
- He's a police officer.
- I see.
And has he ever overreacted or behaved
unprofessionally as a police officer?
Never. In fact, he's been
awarded several commendations.
Thank you.
Your witness.
Mrs. Winslow, would you describe your
husband Carl here as an even tempered man?
- Well, I...
- I remind you, you are under oath.
- Well, I...
- Well, let me ask you this.
Do you have a living room mantel
where you keep certain a bric-a-brac?
Yes.
Isn't it true that your husband will
often fly into an uncontrollable rage...
- and throw that bric-a-brac?
- No, it isn't.
Is it true that porcelain flies in your
house so often that your bric-a-bracs...
- are getting frequent flyer mileage?
- No!
Order! Order!
Mr. Urkel, you are out of line.
Oh, I withdraw the question,
Your Honor. Nothing further.
You may step down.
All right, young man,
call your first witness.
Your Honor, I would
like to call Waldo Faldo.
Okay. But I'm not home.
Waldo, come to
the witness stand.
- State your name.
- Illinois.
No, state your name...
not name your state.
Oh. Waldo Faldo from Illinois.
Now, Mr. Faldo, would you please tell
the court your experiences with Pablo.
Pablo was a kind
and gentle creature.
When I was with him, I felt...
I felt...
I felt like I was one
with the B.O. sphere...
Perhaps you mean biosphere?
Okay. Cool.
Great. Nothing further. Bye.
Not so fast!
Waldo, is there something
written on your arm?
Only the stuff
Steve told me to say.
Thank you, Waldo. You may go.
No, thanks. I went
before I left the house.
- I meant you may go to your seat.
- Oh, cool.
Don't gloat, dreamboat.
That ain't all she wrote.
Your Honor, I would like to call
my last witness, Edward Winslow.
Now, Eddie, when you were
seven years old, did you have a pet?
Yeah, I had a
hamster. Mr. Fluffkins.
Do you remember one day when
Mr. Fluffkins got out of his cage?
Uh... Yeah.
Um... I was cleaning my room
and I noticed he was gone.
Dad was in the laundry room and
he said he hadn't seen my hamster.
- And you believed him.
- Well, yeah, I mean, he's my dad.
Anyway, I started taking
clothes out of the dryer and...
And, um...
And what, Eddie?
There was Mr. Fluffkins
stuck in the lint trap.
- Was he dead?
- Yes.
But he was wrinkle free
and springtime fresh.
Oh, Eddie.
Now I know the memory still hurts.
But I have to ask one more question.
Now is it possible for
an itty bitty little hamster...
to get into a tall, big
dryer all by himself...
or would he need a little boost?
Order. Order. LAURA: Sit down.
One more outburst like that and I'll
clear the courtroom and put on a re-run.
- I rest my case, Your Honor.
- You may step down.
Ms. Winslow, do you
have a closing statement?
Your Honor, my client would
like to speak on his own behalf.
Your Honor, ladies
and gentlemen.
It was just a stupid bug.
Thank you. Mr. Urkel?
Now, what are we
talking about here? A bug?
Or a friend?
Pablo was my friend and
Carl Winslow was my friend.
Well, when Carl
squished Pablo...
he killed two friendships.
One of those friendships
could have been saved...
if Carl here, well, had
only found it in his heart...
to say, "I'm sorry."
I'll be back in a moment
with my decision.
- Uh... Steve.
- Yes?
Did you really mean what you
said? Did I kill our friendship?
Well, it's definitely
in Intensive Care.
- Well, I didn't mean for that to happen.
- Well, me neither.
But a real friend wouldn't keep
referring to Pablo as a stupid bug.
Well, you're right. If it's important
to you, it is not a stupid bug.
So I guess it's up
to me to apologize.
That's all I ever
wanted to hear.
- Buds again, Big Guy?
- Buds again. And you know what?
- I'll even buy you a new bug.
- No, Carl. It's too soon.
Well, I have considered
this case carefully...
- and I've reached a decision.
- Never mind, Your Honor.
- Never mind?
- No, sir. We've settled it ourselves.
What?
But I'm the judge. It's
what I do, I judge things.
Would you like to hear
what I would have said?
- No. Thank you.
- No, not really.
I'll take the front.
Yo, Dad. Urkel Alert.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh, joy. Look who's here.
Larry, Moe, and Urkel.
Laura, my little Cup O' Noodles.
I have something very
exciting to show you.
Your change of address card?
Nope, something even better.
Feast your eyes on the newest
addition to La Familia Urkel.
All the way from a South
American rain forest...
a Peruvian stick bug, Pablo!
Girls.
Oh, come on, grow some guts.
That thing is so ugly.
Shh. Pablo's bilingual.
Excuse me, but I don't wanna
hear about a bug's sex life.
Steve, why did you
send away for that thing?
Well, the truth is I'm
batty for bugs. I love them.
In fact, every year I attend
the Entomology Expo.
Pablo here is a shoo-in
to win best and most legs.
Pablo? Pablo!
He's gone. He's
gone. Help me find him.
Pablo? Pablo?
Carl.
Oh, my.
Hmm?
Carl, calm down. Calm
down, honey, calm down.
Did you see the
size of that thing?
I'll bet that's what the
bug was thinking too.
Huh!
Got it! Hah!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
No! No! No!
Oh...
Oh, Pablo!
Oh, Pablo!
- Who is Pablo?
- Him.
And him. And... Oh, and him.
How could you do this?
Steve, that thing was staring
right at my jugular. Going like this:
He was doing the mating ritual.
Then I stopped
him just in time. Hoo!
- How can you be so insensitive?
- Steve, it was just a bug.
It was a special bug.
And expensive to boot.
Why, Pablo cost me $486.52.
What? That is way too much
money to spend on a dead insect.
Well, he wasn't
dead until he met you.
Don't you have something
you'd like to say to me?
Yes, clean up that
mess and then go home.
You're in a happier place now.
Where the leaves are succulent
and no one wears shoes.
- Carl, come to bed, it's late.
- I can't.
Every time I close
my eyes, I see that:
You mock the dead?
Steve, what do you want?
I thought I'd give Carl one
last chance to apologize.
Oh, for Pete's sake, Steve,
it was just a stupid bug.
Well, then, we'll see if the judge
thinks it was "just a stupid bug."
- Judge? What judge?
- I'm suing your bug squashing pants off.
No, now, wait a minute, can't you
just settle this amongst yourselves?
- No.
- No.
Small claims court is
backed up for months.
Oh, we don't need
small claims court.
We can settle this on that
TV show, Citizen's Court.
Wa-wa-wa... Wait a minute.
Are you two willing to make
fools of yourselves on national TV?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Just asking.
Hurry! Mom, Judy, it's starting.
- Mom, is Uncle Carl going to jail?
- No, pinhead.
- You don't go to jail for killing a bug.
- Don't call me names, jerk face.
Anything you say, sock breath.
- Kids.
I'm gonna take you to court.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey!
Stop it you two. You're
behaving like adults.
Shh. It's starting.
This is the plaintiff,
Steven Q. Urkel.
He claims the defendant
crushed his Creosylus Spinosis.
He's suing for $486.5 2,
the value of his dead bug.
This is the defendant,
Carl Winslow.
He claims and I quote, "For
Pete's sake, it was just a stupid bug."
I have read your complaint.
All witnesses have been
sworn and are under oath.
Mr. Urkel, could you give us
a brief summary of the facts.
Certainly, Your Honor.
I picked up Pablo, brought him
to the Winslow's, he amscrayed...
Carl found him, got his undies in
a bundle, freaked out and bingo...
486 big ones on the
wrong side of a shoe.
- Thank you. Mr. Winslow...
- Yes, sir.
At this time, Your Honor, I would like to
exercise my right to legal representation.
- Your counsel?
- My daughter. Laura Winslow.
Carl Winslow, of all
the legal chicanery.
You're using the woman I love in a
shameless attempt to unnerve me.
- Nice strategy.
- Thank you.
But it won't work!
Laura, my judicial jujube...
today my only
mistress is the law.
So hang on to your briefs,
mama, I have inherited the wind!
Ms. Winslow, you may
call your first witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I call Estelle
Winslow to the stand.
Allow me.
Now, Mrs. Winslow, you were
present in the room when the bug...
Objection. My bug had a name, Your Honor.
- Sustained.
You were present when the bug,
Pablo stalked and attacked your son, Carl.
Well, it wasn't
exactly a stalking.
- But he was about to attack?
- No. Not really.
And may I add, Steve
is a fine young man.
Move to strike. This
is a hostile witness.
Hostile wit... It's your mother!
- I guess I have no further questions.
- Mr. Urkel, cross examine?
Oh, no need, Your Honor.
My work's been done.
You may step down.
The Defense calls
Harriette Winslow.
Could you please tell us what
line of work your husband is in?
- He's a police officer.
- I see.
And has he ever overreacted or behaved
unprofessionally as a police officer?
Never. In fact, he's been
awarded several commendations.
Thank you.
Your witness.
Mrs. Winslow, would you describe your
husband Carl here as an even tempered man?
- Well, I...
- I remind you, you are under oath.
- Well, I...
- Well, let me ask you this.
Do you have a living room mantel
where you keep certain a bric-a-brac?
Yes.
Isn't it true that your husband will
often fly into an uncontrollable rage...
- and throw that bric-a-brac?
- No, it isn't.
Is it true that porcelain flies in your
house so often that your bric-a-bracs...
- are getting frequent flyer mileage?
- No!
Order! Order!
Mr. Urkel, you are out of line.
Oh, I withdraw the question,
Your Honor. Nothing further.
You may step down.
All right, young man,
call your first witness.
Your Honor, I would
like to call Waldo Faldo.
Okay. But I'm not home.
Waldo, come to
the witness stand.
- State your name.
- Illinois.
No, state your name...
not name your state.
Oh. Waldo Faldo from Illinois.
Now, Mr. Faldo, would you please tell
the court your experiences with Pablo.
Pablo was a kind
and gentle creature.
When I was with him, I felt...
I felt...
I felt like I was one
with the B.O. sphere...
Perhaps you mean biosphere?
Okay. Cool.
Great. Nothing further. Bye.
Not so fast!
Waldo, is there something
written on your arm?
Only the stuff
Steve told me to say.
Thank you, Waldo. You may go.
No, thanks. I went
before I left the house.
- I meant you may go to your seat.
- Oh, cool.
Don't gloat, dreamboat.
That ain't all she wrote.
Your Honor, I would like to call
my last witness, Edward Winslow.
Now, Eddie, when you were
seven years old, did you have a pet?
Yeah, I had a
hamster. Mr. Fluffkins.
Do you remember one day when
Mr. Fluffkins got out of his cage?
Uh... Yeah.
Um... I was cleaning my room
and I noticed he was gone.
Dad was in the laundry room and
he said he hadn't seen my hamster.
- And you believed him.
- Well, yeah, I mean, he's my dad.
Anyway, I started taking
clothes out of the dryer and...
And, um...
And what, Eddie?
There was Mr. Fluffkins
stuck in the lint trap.
- Was he dead?
- Yes.
But he was wrinkle free
and springtime fresh.
Oh, Eddie.
Now I know the memory still hurts.
But I have to ask one more question.
Now is it possible for
an itty bitty little hamster...
to get into a tall, big
dryer all by himself...
or would he need a little boost?
Order. Order. LAURA: Sit down.
One more outburst like that and I'll
clear the courtroom and put on a re-run.
- I rest my case, Your Honor.
- You may step down.
Ms. Winslow, do you
have a closing statement?
Your Honor, my client would
like to speak on his own behalf.
Your Honor, ladies
and gentlemen.
It was just a stupid bug.
Thank you. Mr. Urkel?
Now, what are we
talking about here? A bug?
Or a friend?
Pablo was my friend and
Carl Winslow was my friend.
Well, when Carl
squished Pablo...
he killed two friendships.
One of those friendships
could have been saved...
if Carl here, well, had
only found it in his heart...
to say, "I'm sorry."
I'll be back in a moment
with my decision.
- Uh... Steve.
- Yes?
Did you really mean what you
said? Did I kill our friendship?
Well, it's definitely
in Intensive Care.
- Well, I didn't mean for that to happen.
- Well, me neither.
But a real friend wouldn't keep
referring to Pablo as a stupid bug.
Well, you're right. If it's important
to you, it is not a stupid bug.
So I guess it's up
to me to apologize.
That's all I ever
wanted to hear.
- Buds again, Big Guy?
- Buds again. And you know what?
- I'll even buy you a new bug.
- No, Carl. It's too soon.
Well, I have considered
this case carefully...
- and I've reached a decision.
- Never mind, Your Honor.
- Never mind?
- No, sir. We've settled it ourselves.
What?
But I'm the judge. It's
what I do, I judge things.
Would you like to hear
what I would have said?
- No. Thank you.
- No, not really.