Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Show Must Go On - full transcript
Laura wins the female lead role in the school production of "Romeo and Juliet," and looks forward to the kissing scene with her Romeo, Daniel Wallace. Then Daniel falls ill and the understudy - who else but Urkel - takes his place. Thanks to Urkel's clumsiness and being himself, the play turns out to be a disaster.
Working in the coal mine, whoops
About to get down
Working, working
Working in the coal...
Sorry to startle you, ma'am.
I'm looking for your husband.
That's a good one, sir. Heh.
But, uh, I'm just helping
out around the house.
You see, we're a modern family.
Harriette's out working late...
so I'm up here straightening
up and cooking dinner.
Cooking and cleaning?
My God, man. Where's
your self-respect?
I have plenty of
self-respect, sir.
Oh, touchy.
What is it, PMS?
Here, this is for you.
- A beeper?
- That's right.
From now on, when there's
important police business...
that needs to be handled quickly, I
can reach you anytime, anywhere.
Sir, are any other
sergeants getting beepers?
No, just you.
All my other sergeants have already
had their annual performance review.
- I understand, sir.
- Excellent.
Now stick that
beeper in your purse.
Lieutenant...
let me just emphasize
one thing here.
I wear the pants in this
house. I am the breadwinner.
I am the man of this house.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
What's for dinner?
- I'd like bacon and eggs.
- I'll have pancakes.
- Make mine waffles.
- I'll take ice cream.
You're getting oatmeal.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That's
Lieutenant Murtagh.
This could be an emergency
and I'm not even dressed yet.
Carl hasn't moved that fast
since he chased a donut downhill.
But soft.
What light through
yonder window breaks?
It is the East and
Laura is the sun.
Hey, that's from
Romeo and Juliet.
Very good. That's right.
The auditions for the annual
school play are being held today.
This year's offering...
is The Bard's immortal tragedy
of two star-crossed lovers.
Does that give you
the shivers, my sweet?
Well, my skin is
definitely crawling.
Steve, why don't you
try out for Romeo?
Heh. No, that would
make it a comedy.
You know, those
were the exact words
uttered by Ms. Steuben,
the play's director.
But of course, she was
bright enough to see...
that my dashing good looks and
remarkable physical prowess...
would clearly overshadow
the rest of the cast.
- So she made you stage manager?
- Yeah.
Good night, good night!
Parting is such sweet sorrow that I
shall say good night till it be morrow.
So, Laura, are you
gonna audition for Juliet?
- I'm not sure.
- You should. You'd be great.
Absolutely. I mean, you are related
to me and I am a wonderful actress.
That's right. I've seen her tell a
man she was 23 and not even blink.
- Well, gotta go.
- What was the emergency, Carl?
Oh, uh...
Lieutenant Murtagh wants me to
pick up his uniform at the cleaners.
Watch this performance.
Oh, Carl... don't go
out there all alone.
We're crazy about
you, you big lug.
When will it all end? The robbing,
the killing, the uniform picking upping.
Ah! I just can't
take it anymore!
Ah. Still got it.
Yeah, but who wants it?
Romeo, Romeo...
wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father and
refuse thy name. O Romeo.
Oh, thank you. Uh...
- Thank you, everyone.
- Thank you, everyone.
You were all very good.
You were all very, very good.
- Stop that.
- Stop it.
- Now!
- Now!
Steven.
- Take a seat.
- Where?
Pittsburgh.
Oh, Ms. Steuben, you slay me.
As I was saying...
the auditions were spirited...
but the part of Romeo...
will be played by
Daniel Wallace.
I knew he'd get
it. He's gorgeous.
Girl, I can't wait
to see him in tights.
Now, I have narrowed the
choices for Juliet down to two girls.
It will either be
Maxine or Laura.
Daniel, would you mind
reading with the ladies?
Well, it will be my extreme
and intense pleasure.
Maxine, you go first.
But soft!
What light through
yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and
Juliet is the sun.
See how she leans her
cheek upon her hand.
Oh, that I were a glove upon that
hand. That I might touch that cheek.
You are so gorgeous.
Uh, thanks. Thank
you. Thank you, Maxine.
That was a very
interesting interpretation.
- How did I do?
- Oh, you were great.
All right, Laura, it's your turn. Let's
start with line 31, act two, scene two.
Dost thou love me?
O gentle Romeo, if thou dost
love, pronounce it faithfully.
Oh, there's our Juliet.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
Parting is such sweet sorrow...
that I shall say good night...
till it be morrow.
Cut! Cut!
I said cut for crying out loud.
Whew. Harriette.
Sweetheart, you look fine.
Thank you, Carl.
In fact...
why don't you and I just skip
dinner and stay home tonight?
- We could do that.
- Yeah?
But if we do...
we'll miss the All You Can
Eat special at Chez Josephine's.
Let's go.
Oh, no. Not Murtagh again.
Sweetheart, I know it's a pain, but I'm
in my annual performance review time...
and I gotta be on my best
behavior. But don't worry.
I'll just call Lieutenant Murtagh
and tell him we have special plans.
Now, always remember, Laura,
that great acting comes from within.
Legendary performances
come from actors...
who can reach deep down into
their souls and dredge up pain.
Can you feel it, Laura?
Can you feel a pain?
I feel a pain, Aunt Rachel.
And I'm hoping it'll go
back into the kitchen.
Did you hear what
your daughter just said?
Shh.
Carl's telling Murtagh
that we're busy tonight...
and he's not available to
run his personal errands.
Yes, sir, that's two
burgers, well done.
Small order of fries...
and one vanilla shake.
Yes, sir. Got it, sir. No problem.
Glad to do it, sir. Okay, bye now.
Now, Harriette, I know
what you're thinking.
But the poor guy's
car is in the shop...
and he's lying on his
stomach with a very painful boil.
Carl... I don't believe this.
I rush home from work,
take two hours to get ready...
and now I've got to stay home
because your boss has a boil.
You see, Laura?
That's the kind of
pain I'm talking about.
Now, if you could reach
deep down into your soul...
Well, I better go get Lieutenant
Murtagh's food and ointment.
You know...
I don't think that this
night can get any worse.
Hidey ho, Winslows!
I was wrong.
Laura. Laura.
Oh, bad, awful, terrible news.
What? What?
Daniel Wallace is in the
hospital with appendicitis.
But we open in two nights.
Who's gonna play Romeo?
Oh, no.
Yes, my cuddly Capulet, tis I.
So when we perform the
famous balcony scene...
it will be my lips pressed
hotly against yours.
Aunt Rachel?
- Yes, Laura?
- I found that pain.
Bravo, Juliet! Bravo,
Juliet! Encore! Encore!
- Whoo, whoo!
- Sit down. Sit down, Carl.
Carl, do you have to do
that after every scene?
Ma, I happen to be
proud of my daughter.
I wish I could say the
same about my son.
- Poor Laura.
- What do you mean?
The balcony scene is next.
Think she'll really kiss Steve?
I don't know.
Every time I ask her about it, she
just cries and takes another Rolaid.
Carl, did you bring
that beeper to the play?
Well, Ma, Lieutenant Murtagh
ordered me to carry it at all times.
I'll go see what he wants.
No. No, I am not going.
No, this is my daughter's big
moment, and I'm gonna be here to see it.
Sorry, lieutenant.
This line is out of order.
Carl, I'm proud of you. You
got your priorities straight.
Shh. Here it goes,
the balcony scene.
But soft!
What light through
yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and
Juliet is the sun.
Bravo, Juliet! Bravo! Bra... Ow!
Oh, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Dost thou love me?
O gentle Romeo...
if thou dost love...
pronounce it faithfully.
Ouch-eth!
- Steve, are you okay?
- I bent my dagger.
O, swear not by the
moon, the inconstant moon.
Then what shall I swear by?
Do not swear at all.
Madam.
I hear some noise
within, dear love. Adieu.
Good night.
Good night.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That I shall say good night...
till it be morrow.
Oh, God, I wish it were morrow.
Oh!
Yowie, zowie.
Whoa, Mama!
Didst I do that?
Ms. Steuben?
I'm sorry.
I know, Steven.
You're always sorry.
Listen, Steven, I've
decided to retire...
from the Theater
Arts Department.
Oh, gee, that's a shame.
Yeah, well...
Steven, you're not
taking Home Ec...
next semester, are you?
No.
Oh, good. Oh, good.
I'll teach that then.
Oh.
Steve?
Ah. The fair Juliet.
How lovely thou looketh.
- Are you okay?
- Sure.
Good. Some lunkhead
wrote "Jerk, jerk, jerk"...
all over your makeup mirror.
That's okay, I'm the lunkhead.
Well why'd you do that?
Because it's true. I am a jerk.
Laura, I ruined the play.
Steve, it was an accident. I mean,
it could have happened to anybody.
Well, there must be somebody
else it could have happened to.
Nope. It was vintage Urkel.
Laura, I've dreamed all my
life of being kissed by you.
And when it finally
happened, I blew it.
I turned a magical moment
into a three-ring circus.
Steve, you made a
mistake. That's all.
But I ruined it for you too.
I mean, you were the
best Juliet there ever was.
And I made you look like a fool.
Believe me, Steve.
Nobody thinks I'm a fool.
Really?
Do you mean it or are you saying
it just to make me feel better?
I mean it.
In fact, the audience
liked what you did.
I mean, they gave us a
standing ovation, five curtain calls.
They loved it so much, they
wouldn't even let us finish the play.
Well, we couldn't finish
the play. I leveled Verona.
Thanks for cheering
me up, Laura.
You're welcome.
- Touching.
- Sorry.
- Come on, let's go to the cast party.
- Great.
Laura, I have a
question to ask you.
Why did you take the time
to pull me out of my misery?
I don't know.
Did you do it out of love?
No, I did it out of pity.
Ah. But the seeds of
pity can blossom into love.
About to get down
Working, working
Working in the coal...
Sorry to startle you, ma'am.
I'm looking for your husband.
That's a good one, sir. Heh.
But, uh, I'm just helping
out around the house.
You see, we're a modern family.
Harriette's out working late...
so I'm up here straightening
up and cooking dinner.
Cooking and cleaning?
My God, man. Where's
your self-respect?
I have plenty of
self-respect, sir.
Oh, touchy.
What is it, PMS?
Here, this is for you.
- A beeper?
- That's right.
From now on, when there's
important police business...
that needs to be handled quickly, I
can reach you anytime, anywhere.
Sir, are any other
sergeants getting beepers?
No, just you.
All my other sergeants have already
had their annual performance review.
- I understand, sir.
- Excellent.
Now stick that
beeper in your purse.
Lieutenant...
let me just emphasize
one thing here.
I wear the pants in this
house. I am the breadwinner.
I am the man of this house.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
What's for dinner?
- I'd like bacon and eggs.
- I'll have pancakes.
- Make mine waffles.
- I'll take ice cream.
You're getting oatmeal.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That's
Lieutenant Murtagh.
This could be an emergency
and I'm not even dressed yet.
Carl hasn't moved that fast
since he chased a donut downhill.
But soft.
What light through
yonder window breaks?
It is the East and
Laura is the sun.
Hey, that's from
Romeo and Juliet.
Very good. That's right.
The auditions for the annual
school play are being held today.
This year's offering...
is The Bard's immortal tragedy
of two star-crossed lovers.
Does that give you
the shivers, my sweet?
Well, my skin is
definitely crawling.
Steve, why don't you
try out for Romeo?
Heh. No, that would
make it a comedy.
You know, those
were the exact words
uttered by Ms. Steuben,
the play's director.
But of course, she was
bright enough to see...
that my dashing good looks and
remarkable physical prowess...
would clearly overshadow
the rest of the cast.
- So she made you stage manager?
- Yeah.
Good night, good night!
Parting is such sweet sorrow that I
shall say good night till it be morrow.
So, Laura, are you
gonna audition for Juliet?
- I'm not sure.
- You should. You'd be great.
Absolutely. I mean, you are related
to me and I am a wonderful actress.
That's right. I've seen her tell a
man she was 23 and not even blink.
- Well, gotta go.
- What was the emergency, Carl?
Oh, uh...
Lieutenant Murtagh wants me to
pick up his uniform at the cleaners.
Watch this performance.
Oh, Carl... don't go
out there all alone.
We're crazy about
you, you big lug.
When will it all end? The robbing,
the killing, the uniform picking upping.
Ah! I just can't
take it anymore!
Ah. Still got it.
Yeah, but who wants it?
Romeo, Romeo...
wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father and
refuse thy name. O Romeo.
Oh, thank you. Uh...
- Thank you, everyone.
- Thank you, everyone.
You were all very good.
You were all very, very good.
- Stop that.
- Stop it.
- Now!
- Now!
Steven.
- Take a seat.
- Where?
Pittsburgh.
Oh, Ms. Steuben, you slay me.
As I was saying...
the auditions were spirited...
but the part of Romeo...
will be played by
Daniel Wallace.
I knew he'd get
it. He's gorgeous.
Girl, I can't wait
to see him in tights.
Now, I have narrowed the
choices for Juliet down to two girls.
It will either be
Maxine or Laura.
Daniel, would you mind
reading with the ladies?
Well, it will be my extreme
and intense pleasure.
Maxine, you go first.
But soft!
What light through
yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and
Juliet is the sun.
See how she leans her
cheek upon her hand.
Oh, that I were a glove upon that
hand. That I might touch that cheek.
You are so gorgeous.
Uh, thanks. Thank
you. Thank you, Maxine.
That was a very
interesting interpretation.
- How did I do?
- Oh, you were great.
All right, Laura, it's your turn. Let's
start with line 31, act two, scene two.
Dost thou love me?
O gentle Romeo, if thou dost
love, pronounce it faithfully.
Oh, there's our Juliet.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
Parting is such sweet sorrow...
that I shall say good night...
till it be morrow.
Cut! Cut!
I said cut for crying out loud.
Whew. Harriette.
Sweetheart, you look fine.
Thank you, Carl.
In fact...
why don't you and I just skip
dinner and stay home tonight?
- We could do that.
- Yeah?
But if we do...
we'll miss the All You Can
Eat special at Chez Josephine's.
Let's go.
Oh, no. Not Murtagh again.
Sweetheart, I know it's a pain, but I'm
in my annual performance review time...
and I gotta be on my best
behavior. But don't worry.
I'll just call Lieutenant Murtagh
and tell him we have special plans.
Now, always remember, Laura,
that great acting comes from within.
Legendary performances
come from actors...
who can reach deep down into
their souls and dredge up pain.
Can you feel it, Laura?
Can you feel a pain?
I feel a pain, Aunt Rachel.
And I'm hoping it'll go
back into the kitchen.
Did you hear what
your daughter just said?
Shh.
Carl's telling Murtagh
that we're busy tonight...
and he's not available to
run his personal errands.
Yes, sir, that's two
burgers, well done.
Small order of fries...
and one vanilla shake.
Yes, sir. Got it, sir. No problem.
Glad to do it, sir. Okay, bye now.
Now, Harriette, I know
what you're thinking.
But the poor guy's
car is in the shop...
and he's lying on his
stomach with a very painful boil.
Carl... I don't believe this.
I rush home from work,
take two hours to get ready...
and now I've got to stay home
because your boss has a boil.
You see, Laura?
That's the kind of
pain I'm talking about.
Now, if you could reach
deep down into your soul...
Well, I better go get Lieutenant
Murtagh's food and ointment.
You know...
I don't think that this
night can get any worse.
Hidey ho, Winslows!
I was wrong.
Laura. Laura.
Oh, bad, awful, terrible news.
What? What?
Daniel Wallace is in the
hospital with appendicitis.
But we open in two nights.
Who's gonna play Romeo?
Oh, no.
Yes, my cuddly Capulet, tis I.
So when we perform the
famous balcony scene...
it will be my lips pressed
hotly against yours.
Aunt Rachel?
- Yes, Laura?
- I found that pain.
Bravo, Juliet! Bravo,
Juliet! Encore! Encore!
- Whoo, whoo!
- Sit down. Sit down, Carl.
Carl, do you have to do
that after every scene?
Ma, I happen to be
proud of my daughter.
I wish I could say the
same about my son.
- Poor Laura.
- What do you mean?
The balcony scene is next.
Think she'll really kiss Steve?
I don't know.
Every time I ask her about it, she
just cries and takes another Rolaid.
Carl, did you bring
that beeper to the play?
Well, Ma, Lieutenant Murtagh
ordered me to carry it at all times.
I'll go see what he wants.
No. No, I am not going.
No, this is my daughter's big
moment, and I'm gonna be here to see it.
Sorry, lieutenant.
This line is out of order.
Carl, I'm proud of you. You
got your priorities straight.
Shh. Here it goes,
the balcony scene.
But soft!
What light through
yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and
Juliet is the sun.
Bravo, Juliet! Bravo! Bra... Ow!
Oh, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Dost thou love me?
O gentle Romeo...
if thou dost love...
pronounce it faithfully.
Ouch-eth!
- Steve, are you okay?
- I bent my dagger.
O, swear not by the
moon, the inconstant moon.
Then what shall I swear by?
Do not swear at all.
Madam.
I hear some noise
within, dear love. Adieu.
Good night.
Good night.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That I shall say good night...
till it be morrow.
Oh, God, I wish it were morrow.
Oh!
Yowie, zowie.
Whoa, Mama!
Didst I do that?
Ms. Steuben?
I'm sorry.
I know, Steven.
You're always sorry.
Listen, Steven, I've
decided to retire...
from the Theater
Arts Department.
Oh, gee, that's a shame.
Yeah, well...
Steven, you're not
taking Home Ec...
next semester, are you?
No.
Oh, good. Oh, good.
I'll teach that then.
Oh.
Steve?
Ah. The fair Juliet.
How lovely thou looketh.
- Are you okay?
- Sure.
Good. Some lunkhead
wrote "Jerk, jerk, jerk"...
all over your makeup mirror.
That's okay, I'm the lunkhead.
Well why'd you do that?
Because it's true. I am a jerk.
Laura, I ruined the play.
Steve, it was an accident. I mean,
it could have happened to anybody.
Well, there must be somebody
else it could have happened to.
Nope. It was vintage Urkel.
Laura, I've dreamed all my
life of being kissed by you.
And when it finally
happened, I blew it.
I turned a magical moment
into a three-ring circus.
Steve, you made a
mistake. That's all.
But I ruined it for you too.
I mean, you were the
best Juliet there ever was.
And I made you look like a fool.
Believe me, Steve.
Nobody thinks I'm a fool.
Really?
Do you mean it or are you saying
it just to make me feel better?
I mean it.
In fact, the audience
liked what you did.
I mean, they gave us a
standing ovation, five curtain calls.
They loved it so much, they
wouldn't even let us finish the play.
Well, we couldn't finish
the play. I leveled Verona.
Thanks for cheering
me up, Laura.
You're welcome.
- Touching.
- Sorry.
- Come on, let's go to the cast party.
- Great.
Laura, I have a
question to ask you.
Why did you take the time
to pull me out of my misery?
I don't know.
Did you do it out of love?
No, I did it out of pity.
Ah. But the seeds of
pity can blossom into love.