Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 20 - Love and Kisses - full transcript

And here is the prize of
my baseball card collection:

A Mickey Mantle rookie
card in mint condition.

Oh, man!

- And I got two of them.
- Dang.

Wow, there were
two Mickey Mantles?

- No, Waldo. There were only...
- Did they play on the same team?

- What he meant...
- Most important of all:

Which one went
home to Mrs. Mantle?

Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth,
Steve decides to talk to Eddie.

Now, Eddo, I really need
you to help Laura and me...

move along our relationship.



Uh, I hate to be a downer, but you
and Laura don't have a relationship.

Au contraire, Laura's frère.

- The lady's been flirting with me.
- She has?

Oh, yeah. Just last week she actually
telephoned me in the middle of the night.

Steve, your house was on fire.

- Still, she did call.
- Steve, what do you want from us?

Ten minutes of your time.

Now, I do feel compelled
to warn you, though...

your participation
necessitates a costume.

- Oh, no way.
- Forget it.

- Twenty bucks.
- I'm in.

Me too.

I'm so depressed.

Yeah.



I don't think it's possible to
be more depressed than this.

Hello, ladies.

- We were wrong.
- We were wrong.

Look. There upon the
couch are two beautiful girls.

And one of them is my girl.

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day

When it's cold outside

I've got the month of May

I guess you'll say

What can make me
feel this way? My girl

- His girl - Your girl

Hold... Hold it.

What is this?

Don't we remind you
of The Temptations?

No!

More like The Repulsions.

Man, they didn't even
know who we were.

And we practiced
for six minutes.

Yo, I'm just glad we
got paid in advance.

That's what happens
when you hire nonunion.

Steve, you used to annoy
me all my by yourself.

Why are you recruiting?

Well, I was hoping to win a kiss
from you by singing you a love song.

- Oh, that's sweet.
- Stay out of this, Max.

Sorry.

Look, I'm too tired for
this. I was up all night.

Nagging gas bubble?

No. Max and I camped
outside the Chicago Theater...

to get tickets to the
Johnny Gill concert.

But they were all sold out.

Laura, you really like
this Johnny Gill, don't you?

Are you kidding?

- Hair, bang, body, pa-pow!
- Hair, bang, body, pa-pow!

Oh, please.

Why, you take away his
fancy clothes, his perfect hair...

and that velvet voice,
and what have you got?

The sexiest bald-headed
mute in America.

Look, I've got everything
ever written on him.

Ooh.

Wow.

Interesting.

Laura, suppose I arrange for
you to meet Johnny Gill personally.

Would you like that?

- I'd love it. But...
- Oh, no "buts." Suppose I made it happen.

Would you reward me with a kiss?

Sure. I'd lay one on you that
would weld your glasses to your face.

Have you heard her?

But it'll never happen. You have a
better chance of being hit by lightning.

Oh? My Uncle Elijah Urkel has
been struck by lightning four times.

At a party once, he clamped
cables to his earlobes...

and jump-started a Volkswagen.

Then there's in the summer when
we use him as the human bug zapper.

Yeah, he's usually
knee-deep in dead mosquitoes.

And then there's the time...

when we went camping and we
were in dire need of a generator.

And we just plugged the
toaster into Uncle Elijah...

and the Pop Tarts were flying.

Well, I thought it
was a good story.

- Carl, you got a minute?
- In about an hour, honey.

Now is good.

Do you know what next Friday is?

Our wedding anniversary.

Twenty blissful years
of marital happiness.

How did that sound? Sincere?

Almost.

You know the one thing we
never did after we got married?

Pay the preacher?

No, I know. I know.
Our honeymoon.

But, sweetheart,
we were so poor.

I mean, when people threw rice at
the wedding, I saved some for dinner.

Carl...

wouldn't it be romantic if we
celebrated our 20th anniversary...

by finally going on
our honeymoon?

Yeah. But it's so expensive.

I mean, we need
a new water heater.

The car needs new
tires. Judy needs braces.

If we go, I'll wear this.

Well, here it is, folks.

Cabin number three.

The honeymoon suite.

It's...

It's missing a wall.

Well, yeah.

- There's no wall!
- Uh, no, there isn't.

Well, now, we really
have to have a wall.

Are you sure? I mean,
this is the honeymoon suite.

And, uh, most young couples
never see past the bed, ha-ha-ha.

We want a wall.

Folks, I'm sorry.
But, uh, no can do.

Look, let me fill you in.

We, uh... We committed,
well, a construction boo-boo.

We started building
all ten cabins at once.

And right in the middle of everything
the darn price of spruce skyrocketed.

I suppose in retrospect, we
should have built one at a time.

And we wouldn't have been
caught with our tool belts down.

Are you telling us that none
of your cabins are complete?

Yes, that is what I
would be telling you.

Look at this.

I got one foot in snow
and the other on floor.

Yeah. Ain't America great?

But what about the wild animals?

Well, you know, it is winter.

Most of the animals that
eat people are hibernating.

That's it. Come on. We're
gonna stay someplace else.

Suit yourself. The nearest inn is
100 miles away and they're booked.

You're just saying that.

No. I called myself. You
know, with this storm...

I wanted to stay in a room
that, you know, has four walls.

Care for some turkey jerky?

Steve. Steve.

- Steve!
- Hm?

Would you tell me why
you're making me sit here?

Oh, you'll find out soon
enough, my little Tootsie Pop.

Gee, I wonder who that could be.

Do you know who you are?

I think so. I'm Johnny Gill.

My, my, my.

- He spoke to me.
- Oh, Laura.

Laura.

Laura. Laura. Get up. Jeez,
oh, my goodness, Laura.

- Johnny.
- Yeah.

Johnny Gill in my house.

Get a grip, woman.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for a Steve Yuckel?

That's Urkel. Steve Urkel.

Listen, my manager
gave me your message.

Now, let me get this straight.

You actually have a Mickey
Mantle rookie card in mint condition?

I might.

Would you be
willing to part with it?

Maybe. Maybe not.

- What's going on?
- Business, sweetheart. Man talk.

- Johnny. J.G. Johnnarooni.
- Mr. Gill.

I got you.

I might be willing to part with
this extremely rare baseball card...

if you sing a few
songs for my honey.

And how many songs are a few?

Oh, say, ten.

Say, one.

Eight, but no ballads.

- Three. All ballads.
- Seven. And you make moon eyes...

- during the mushy parts.
- Four. Moon eyes during two.

Six. Half are ballads, moon
eyes during mushy parts...

and during the chorus
you shake the old booty.

Hi.

Hello.

It's snowing out here!

We noticed. We have a view.

Wanna have a snowball fight?

- No, thanks.
- I do.

- No, no!
- Carl, Carl. Don't go out there.

You'll catch a cold.

Harriette, there's no wall. It's
the same temperature in here.

Are you in a bad
mood or something?

Now, why would I be in
a bad mood, Harriette?

I drove three and a half
hours through heavy traffic...

just so we could have our honeymoon
in a cozy, romantic construction boo-boo!

Carl, you act like
this is my fault.

Well, there's only
two of us in the room.

And I know it's not my fault.

Wait a minute, Carl.

I asked you for your
input as to where to go.

And you said that
whatever I decided was fine.

Well, that was when I thought
that you knew what you were doing.

- What?
- Yes.

You should have found out
about the place when you called.

Oh, all right.

"Hello. We'd like to book a cabin
with a fireplace, a king-size bed...

and four walls."

What are you trying to say?

Carl, I'm saying that
whenever things are going well...

you always find some way to
take your share of the credit.

But when things are going wrong,
it's always me who takes all the blame.

Oh, poor Harriette.

What a sad song.

I'd play the violin for you if
I had feeling in my fingers.

All right, that does it. I wasn't
gonna say it but it's got to be said.

Oh, is that right?

That's right! Carl Winslow...

there's a goat
eating your shorts.

You know, Harriette...

you've said some pretty
low things to me in the past...

but what the heck
are you talking about?

Look. There's a goat
eating your shorts!

Hey!

Shoo, shoo! Shoo, goat.

Do you believe that?

- He made a meal out of your boxers.
- Hey...

..I wonder what kind of wine
goes best with underpants.

Sweetheart, I'm
sorry I yelled at you.

Oh, that's okay. But I'll
never forget this anniversary.

Me neither. Hey, you remember
when we first got married?

Our apartment had four
walls but that's about all it had.

We couldn't afford furniture.

Half the time the
furnace was busted.

And it hardly had any hot water.

But we had each other.

And that was enough.

- It still is for me.
- For me too.

I love you, Harriette Winslow.

More now than ever.

Hey.

Why don't you go inside
and put on that sexy negligee?

Carl, it's freezing.

I'll keep you warm.

What about the goat?

Let him get his own woman.

Tonight will be a special
night No matter where we go

And I'm so proud to be with you

I just wanna let you know

You've got me saying my, my, my

My, my, my, my

You sure look good tonight

And you're so damn fine

You do

And I'm so proud to be with you

So proud to share your love

Whoa, my baby Oh, my baby

Oh, and I want
you, you I want you

Come on, come on, come on I want
you to see that you're gonna be all mine

You're gonna be all mine, baby

You sure look good...

tonight

Oh, Johnny. You were great. You
were wonderful, incredible. Fabulous!

All right, all right. I
think we get the point.

Well, that was the last song. I think
you have a little something for me.

Yes, indeedy. My
end of the bargain.

Your very own Mickey
Mantle rookie card.

Man, yes.

So, Johnny, care to sing at
our wedding in a few years?

Well, you know,
I'm a very busy man.

Too busy for a Ty Cobb
and a Honas Wagner?

I'll be there.

I won't.

Bye.

You sure look good...

tonight

Hey, enough of that.

Hey, will you just...?

Well, Laura. I arranged
for you to meet Johnny Gill.

And not only that, I got
him to serenade you.

I think you owe me a kiss.

I know.

- A deal is a deal.
- I couldn't have put it better myself.

Ahem. One moment, please.

Oh, it's no good.

I can't go through with it.

I'm supposed to say that.

Laura, I feel like I'm
forcing you to kiss me.

Like it's some sort of a
business arrangement.

Well, that's
precisely what it is.

Well, that cheapens it.

Oh, Laura. I want you to kiss
me. But it has to be voluntary.

I'll just wait for that wonderful
moment when you want to kiss me.

Good night, Laura.

- Steve.
- Yeah?

What you did for me
tonight was really special.

It meant a lot to me.

And I know that baseball
card meant a lot to you.

The truth is you deserve a kiss.

- You mean, you want to kiss me?
- I didn't say that.

I said "deserve," not "want."

Well, I'll take it. Oh, boy.