Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 18 - My Broken-Hearted Valentine - full transcript

Urkel again tries to intervene in Laura's budding romance with Daniel Wallace, whom the nerd has learned is nothing but trouble. Laura believes Urkel is meddling in her love life and tells him to go away. Then Daniel sneaks into Laura's room and, when he tries to kiss her and she pushes him away, he calls her a baby - just like Urkel had warned. Eventually, Daniel is chased away and a shaken ...

Ooh. Richie,
that's a pretty one.

Who are you gonna give it to?

Nobody. Judy gave
me five bucks...

if I help her make
her valentines.

How many you giving out, honey?

One to every boy in the class.

Aren't you supposed to give
just one to one special boy?

Yeah, and whatever boy
answers, he'll be special.

Why do people send valentines
anyway? I think it's yucky.

Well, people send
valentines to people they love.

And when you love
somebody, nothing is yucky.



Have no fear, Cupid is here!

Then again, some
people go too far.

Come on.

Ugh.

You can wait for Laura in here.

Sure you don't want me to
wait in the kitchen with you?

Oh, no, no, no.

You just stay right here
and enjoy your pickle.

I will. I'll be right here
working my gherkin.

- Daniel Wallace.
- Yep. That'd be me. Heh.

What in Sam Hill do you want?

I came to see
Laura. Is she here?

Uh, no. She's in Switzerland
training for the women's luge. Bye.

Oh! Oh.



Hey, hey, hey.
You bit my pickle.

Whoa. That outfit is
quite a fashion risk.

Listen, Wallace. This
costume represents Cupid...

the Roman god of love.

A mythological,
beneficent spirit...

who shot arrows of
passion in a glorious

attempt to bring two
mortal hearts together.

Now... don't you
feel like a total yutz.

Yeah, but at least I
don't look like one.

Oh, that does it.

Now, I want you to make
like a banana and split.

Hey, look. I'm not leaving
until I've seen Laura.

- I'm gonna ask her to be my valentine.
- Oh!

What? You what?

I'm gonna sweep
her off her feet.

Laura is too smart for that. She
knows you're a heartbreaker...

a tomcat, a two-bit
parlor snake.

She'll drop you like a pair of
dirty drawers down a laundry chute.

Oh, really? Stick around.
Watch me in action.

Laura will be putty in my hands.

Oh, oh! Laura, my love.

- Daniel.
- Yep. That'd be me.

Laura, you probably
didn't recognize me.

Are you supposed to be Cupid?
- Ah.

My myth knoweth her mythology.

With this box of petit fours
Also comes a heart that soars

My love for thee shall find a nest
With Cupid's arrow in with thy breast

Oh, Laura, be my valentine
So our love may always shine

We'll wing our way through life's
sunset Oh, Laura, won't you be my pet?

Uh, uh, Steve, how many
verses are in this poem?

Eighty-four.

I'll save you 82
verses. Go home.

And you can go with him.

Why? What'd I do?

Nothing. And I'd like
to keep it that way.

Hey, wait a minute. Laura, I was
hoping we could go out tonight.

- Tonight?
- Yeah. Maybe we could catch a movie.

Daniel, you don't have the greatest
rep. You've broken a few hearts.

A few?

This guy makes Warren
Beatty look like Father Dowling.

Look, Laura, I admit that
I've made some mistakes.

But I've learned from them. And
I really wanna go out with you.

Why me?

Well, because you're not
like any girl I've ever known.

You're different.

You're special.

I am?

Thank you.

Oh, please.

You're buying this bull-puckey?

I can't stop thinking about
you, Laura. It's making me crazy.

Please say you'll
go out with me.

Yes.

- Yes.
- No!

- I'll pick you up at 7.
- I'll be ready.

It's the doorbell. Ha-ha-ha.

- Oh. You must be Daniel Wallace.
- Yes, sir.

- And you must be Laura's father.
- That's right.

Carl Winslow.

Police Sergeant Carl Winslow.

- Pleased to meet you, sir.
- Ahem.

This is my sister-in-law,
Rachel Crawford.

- Oh, we've met. How are you, Daniel?
- Just fine.

I hope I'm not
disturbing you fine folks.

No, no. I was just installing
this dimmer switch here.

Whoa. You put that in yourself?

Well, yeah.

That's great. I mean, I really admire
a man who's good with his hands.

Heh. Well, uh, heh...

I'm not one to brag...

but I am a handy guy. Heh.

Just last month I turned our
basement into a wine cellar.

Wine cellar?

That's what you call eight shoe
boxes stacked on a card table?

- Hi, Daniel. DANIEL:
Wow, you look beautiful.

Oh, you both look great. Don't
they make a terrific couple, Carl?

Mm-hm. Right. Well, you kids
go ahead. Have a good time.

Be home by 10.

Ten? We have to come
straight home after the movie?

Oh, all right, 10:15.

Don't worry, Mr. Winslow.
I'll have her back by 10.

After all, it's a school night.

And here's the name and
number of the movie theater.

And on our way home, we'll
be passing the Piggly Wiggly.

Can we pick you up anything?

Well, we're out of Mallomars.

Well, never mind.

I'll tell you what. Ha-ha.

Since you're such a
responsible young man...

let's say we make
it an 11:00 curfew.

Well, thank you,
sir. Good night.

Mallomars.

Oh, and again, nice workmanship.

No, craftsmanship.

Huh? Ha-ha-ha.

- Perfect.
- Well, Carl, I am really impressed.

You installed something
that actually works.

Well, of course. Ha-ha. Now, Rachel,
do you like the lights bright like this?

Or...

Or dim, like this.

Hey, Eddo, how do you
like my new polka video?

Go home, Steve.

Oh. But why? We
were having such fun.

Oh, yeah. This night goes
down in the Hall of Fun.

Actually, Eddo,
I'm lying like a rug.

I'm not really the
happy-go-lucky guy I appear to be.

That's just my polka face.

Actually, my insides
are twisted in knots...

because my beloved
is out with another man.

I'm more miserable than
I've ever been in my whole life.

Well, good night.

Aah!

- I had a great time, Daniel.
- Me too.

You know, Laura...

I think you're the prettiest
girl I've ever known.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

I can't wait.

- Oh, Max, hi.
- Hey.

I don't have time to dish.

But can you help me decide
which earrings to wear?

- Wear those.
- Why?

Because these are mine.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- So where are you going?

- To a movie.
- A date? Who's the guy?

- Oh, it's not important.
- Come on. Spill it.

Uh...

Well, it's Daniel Wallace.

What? How can
you go out with him?

You know how he treated me.

Max, Daniel admitted
he made some mistakes.

But he's learned from them.

And he really likes me, Max.

He told me I'm special.

That's the same thing he said
to me just before he dumped me.

Look. It just didn't work
out between you two.

Laura, there's something
I never told you.

The reason it didn't work out
was because I didn't put out.

Daniel respects me, Maxine.

I thought he respected me too.

But when I told him to slow
down, he just called me a baby.

Max, stop it.
You're just jealous.

I'm not. I'm your best friend.

Well, then act like it
and be happy for me.

How can I be happy when I
know what's gonna happen?

Daniel Wallace is a creep, Laura.
And he's gonna break your heart.

No, Max. He broke your heart.
Daniel and I are doing just fine.

Oh, hi, Maxine.

Hello, Mr. Winslow.

Maxine, are you okay?

Not really. Laura
and I just had a fight.

Oh.

- About what?
- Daniel Wallace.

Mm. You like him too.

- That creepy jerk?
- Maybe you don't.

Mr. Winslow, Daniel sweet-talks
girls into falling for him.

Then if he doesn't get what
he wants, he dumps them.

Well, just what is
it that he wants?

You know.

I'll kill him. I will kill him.

I will kill him.

- Steve?
- Greetings, Brother Big Guy.

I came to say goodbye.

I've joined a monastery.

The Brotherhood of
Perpetual Patience and Prayer.

Good old P, P, and P.

Is this a vacation?

A little R and R at P, P and P?

No, I'm going there to live.
I've taken a vow of chastity.

Oh, Steve. You've
always been chaste.

Yeah, but now I have an excuse.

Does this have anything
to do with Laura?

Ah. You can't pull the wool
over your eyes, my son.

My lovely Laura has
found another man.

And the only things that
can mend my broken heart...

are several years of
prayer and making cheese.

Hey, this is nice. I
like your bedroom.

Well, I don't really
call it a bedroom.

It's just a room.

Sure, there happens to be a bed
in it, but that's just a coincidence.

Why are you so nervous, Laura?

Daniel...

when we were
down on the ground...

the idea of coming up here to
talk seemed like a good idea.

But now that we're here, I think it's
a huge mistake. So let's go, okay?

Laura. Laura. Relax.

Just relax, okay?

Daniel, if my father catches you
in here, he'll dribble you home.

And I don't even wanna
think about what he'll do to me.

Look, if it makes you that
uncomfortable, I'll just leave, okay?

- You won't be mad?
- Of course not.

I just want you to be happy.

Did you have a
good time tonight?

Terrific.

Good.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just think
you should go now.

Oh, come on. Loosen up.

Daniel, no.

No? What you mean, no?

I thought you liked me.

I do. That's why
you're still standing.

Laura, you're
acting like a baby.

What did you say?

Look, I'm a man
and I have needs.

Now, are you gonna act like
a baby or a mature woman?

Maxine tried to warn
me, but I wouldn't listen.

What?

Get out.

- Laura...
- Get out and stay out.

I don't ever wanna
see you again.

All right, fine. Okay,
I'm out of here.

But look, catch this, baby.

There are a lot of girls who would
love to be with me. This is your loss.

Daniel, wait.

Yeah?

Catch this, baby.

Aah!

Laura?

What's going on?
I heard a noise.

I just had a fight
with Daniel Wallace.

Wait a minute. Was he
up here in your room?

Yes. But I sent
him home. Airmail.

He shouldn't have been
up here in the first place.

I know, Mom. And I'm sorry.

Said he just wanted to come
up here so we could talk.

But he really
wanted to make out.

He kept pressuring me, Mom.

How'd you handle it?

I made him leave. And I told him
I never wanted to see him again.

Well, you did the
right thing, honey.

Then why do I feel so bad, Mom?

Come here, sweetheart.

He said I was special.

He made me trust him.

But he was just lying so
he could get what he wanted.

I know, I know.

But you know, Laura, someday
you're gonna meet the right guy.

And he'll make you feel special
too. And he won't be lying.

He'll really love you
and you'll really love him.

And then you know
what will happen?

- We'll have sex?
- No!

You'll get married.

Oh. Well, well, sure. That...

- That goes without saying.
- Well, say it.

I like to hear those
words. I'm your mother.

We'll get married first.

Thank you.

Well, Laura, where's Wallace?

I told Daniel I never
wanna see him again.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Now, Laura, you're
vulnerable now.

Your emotions are
exposed and hurting.

And, well, I'm not too proud to
try and get you on the rebound.

So why don't you and I join hands
and glide up the escalator of life?

Sorry.

But I'll tell you
what I will do.

Well, what's that?

Well, in a few seconds
it'll be midnight.

So...

I'll let you be my valentine
for the rest of the day.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

You heard her! You
heard her! Oh, oh!

You're my witnesses.
You're my wit... Oh. Oh.

- Five.
- Ah.

- Four.
- Oh.

- Three.
- Ah.

- Two.
- Eeh.

- One.
- Ooh-ooh-ooh.

- Zero. Go home.
- Oh.

Thanks for the memory, baby.