Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 14 - A Test of Friendship - full transcript
When Eddie decides to bribe Steve to help him cheat on the test by pretending to have a cold, Urkel ends up having one for real and is caught trying to help him cheat. His academic future is on the line when he's up for expulsion. Eventually, Eddie is forced to confess for his wrong doing to save his friend from being expelled. They end up having to retake the test in order for them. Meanwhile, Carl ends up being the laughingstock (thanks to Lt.Murtaugh), after two revenge seeking burglars use sleeping gas to put him to sleep, then rob the Winslows blind. Their second attempt to rob the Winslow house failed when Harriette and Rachel decisively catch them in the act.
- Carl.
- Ah.
Are you sure you don't
wanna go skating with us?
- Yeah, come on, Dad.
- No, thanks.
I'm too tired. Oh.
You were right, Aunt Harriette.
He is a lazy sack of potatoes.
I, uh... I said it
with love. Heh.
- Come on, let's go.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, I worked a double
shift last night. I'm dead tired.
Now, all I wanna do is I
wanna dent this couch.
Well, you certainly
are built for the job.
Oh.
Carl? Carl?
- Carl?
- Ah. Ah...
What?
Where's the furniture?
- What furniture, Harriette?
- Exactly.
What are you talking...?
What the...? What...?
Where's the furniture?
- Oh, my God, we've been robbed.
- Let's check the rest of the house.
Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna call the police.
- But, but, I am the police.
Rachel, if the other
guys find out that I...
Well, that I slept through the robbery
of my own home, I'll be a laughingstock.
Hi-dee-ho, Winslows.
Wait a minute.
My parents tried this once.
- Tried what?
- You're moving and you're not telling me.
- You find any prints, Al?
- Nope.
But don't worry, Sleeping Beauty,
someday your prints will come.
Oh, cute, Al. Real cute. Ha, ha. It'll be
a long time before you make sergeant.
So, Rip Van Winslow.
I'm almost finished
with this robbery report.
Can you give me a
description of the perpetrators?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
You were asleep.
That's it. Get it all out,
get it all out, that's right.
Sorry to pressure you, Winslow, but I gotta
get this info before you doze off again.
Okay. All right. Make your
little jests at my expense.
But I will have the last laugh.
And do you know why I
will have the last laugh?
Because you're so well rested?
Hear me and remember...
I will find my furniture.
I will track down the lowlife or lowlifes
who dared do this dirty deed to me.
And they will pay.
And all of my fellow officers...
will say, "Hey, sarge,
you are one heck of a cop."
And they will circle around me
in a giant donut of admiration.
Winslow...
I've misjudged you. You're not
the guy who takes things lying down.
- That's right.
- No siree.
You're the kind of guy who lies
down while other people take things.
Here. Read the study questions.
Number one, "Define inert gas."
- Man, I don't have a clue.
- Me neither.
But once, my father had it so
bad, he had to go to the hospital.
- Hi, guys.
- Steve, I'm so glad to see you.
Really?
Well, you may find this
hard to believe Eddo...
but that's the first time in my
entire life I've ever heard that phrase.
We're studying for the big
chemistry exam tomorrow.
- Oh, good.
- No, it isn't.
I'm way behind. I'm
gonna flunk big time.
Don't be a fuddy duddy.
I'll be your study buddy.
Steve, I could study all
night and I'd still flunk.
I'm a dead man.
Unless...
Unless, what?
Unless maybe you'd
be willing to help me.
I just told you, Eddo.
Mi noggin es su noggin.
No, what I meant is, maybe
you could help me during the test.
- Cheating?
- Cheating?
Shh!
I prefer to call it sharing.
Well, I for one, am appalled.
Why are you so upset, Waldo?
Cheating is wrong, Eddie,
and you should know that.
I may get F's, but
by God, I earn them.
I never thought
I'd see the day...
when I actually agreed
with Waldo Geraldo Faldo.
Now, Eddo, I want you to forget
this cheating nonsense post pronto.
But why?
Eddo, cheating is like wearing
your grandmother's underpants.
Sure, it may cover your heinie.
But if you make a habit of it,
you've got a serious problem.
But it won't become
a habit, Steve.
Help me this once and I promise
from now on, I'll actually study.
Nope. No way. Sorry.
Ain't gonna happen.
Steve, I have
nowhere else to turn.
I need you, buddy.
Will you come through
for me? Please?
Oh.
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes.
But one time.
- And only on one condition.
- Anything.
You have to promise to
study chemistry with me...
night and day until
you're caught up.
You got it. Thanks, Steve.
Now, we need a plan.
Hey, here's one. How about
you give me the answers.
Clever. But will it work?
Now, wait a minute.
- The test is multiple choice.
- Mm-hm.
- Ah. So we'll need a secret code.
- Mm.
A way of communicating that will
appear to be normal, everyday behavior.
Mm-hm.
Hello, I've got it.
If the answer is A, I'll sneeze.
And If the answer
is B, I'll subtly cough.
And If the answer is
C, I'll blow my nose.
And if the answer is
D, I'll hiccup. Hiccup!
- Great. That's perfect.
- Oh, yes, it's perfect.
And to the teacher it will appear
that I merely have the common cold.
Steve, you are a genius.
Oh? Then why do I feel so dirty?
Steve, what's with you?
Oh, Waldo, I've come
down with this awful cold.
All right, everybody
in your seats. Let's go.
All right, I've put the test
on your desk face down.
Now, no one turn
them over until it's...
- So nice of you to join us, Mr. Winslow.
- Sorry I'm so late, sir.
- But I was studying real hard.
- Well, glad to hear it. Sit down.
Psst.
Psst!
Mr. Urkel, have you
sprung some sort of leak?
Uh... No, sir. Sorry, sir.
All right. Turn
your papers over.
We have 40 minutes.
Beginning now.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
- Mr. Urkel...
- Huh?
Are we having a problem
controlling our bodily fluids?
Well, I certainly am, sir.
I woke up this
morning with a cold.
And you decided to bring
it in to us for show and tell.
Good one. Heh-heh-heh.
Hey, Steve. Good
cover. Ha-ha-ha.
I'm not covering, Eddo.
I really did wake up
this morning with a cold.
No talking.
Steve, please help. Give
me the answers to the test.
What might this be, Mr. Urkel?
Well, it looks like the
answers to the test.
One, A. Two, C. Three, B.
Cut that out!
Well, Mr. Urkel, whom
were you helping to cheat?
I'm waiting.
I want you to go straight
to the principal's office...
and give him one good reason why
he shouldn't expel you for cheating.
I'm home, Harriette,
and the subject is closed.
So you didn't
find our furniture.
Great. Look what
you've gone and done.
You've gone and
opened up the subject.
Carl, I'm tired of sitting
on these lawn chairs.
My butt's starting to look
like the top of a cherry pie.
Harriette, this whole thing
is starting to get to me.
- I'm starting to doubt myself.
- Carl, what do you mean?
Well, I mean, I can't believe I
slept through the whole robbery.
This is not like me.
I'm a light sleeper.
I've got the reflexes
of a jungle cat.
That's true, Carl.
You know, I remember
when the kids were little...
and needed their middle
of the night feeding...
you were the first one
to wake up and say:
"Harriette, get up
and feed the kids."
So, big bro, you gonna
haul your ugly, guilty mug...
down to the principal's
office and come clean?
Hadn't planned on it.
Well, why not?
One person is
already in trouble.
If I confess, two
people will be in trouble.
All that does is put
more people in trouble.
I wouldn't be able
to live with that.
Eddie, you forced
Steve to cheat.
And now, when he needs
you, you leave him high and dry.
Steve was a real friend
to you and it's about time...
you returned the favor.
God, I love you.
You're right.
The whole thing is my fault.
Tomorrow morning, I'll go down
to Principal Shimata's office...
and tell him the truth.
Thanks, Eddo.
I knew you'd come through.
Shh.
A little shot of this gas and
Winslow will be sleeping like a baby.
Why are we robbing
the same place twice?
I thought we got everything.
Humiliation, my
dim-witted friend.
Carl Winslow nailed me
at the peak of my career.
You should have seen me,
Ned. I was slick and sinewy.
I could slip through a house like
thread through the eye of a needle.
That must have been when
homes were a lot bigger.
Ned, come here.
Ow!
Carl Winslow ruined my life.
Do you know what 12 long years in a
federal penitentiary can do to a man?
Turns him into a twisted,
demented, sociopath like yourself?
Hey, I was a legend once
and I can be a legend again.
You stick with me, Ned...
one day they'll write
a song about us.
Gee, I hope it's
not rap. I hate rap.
- Dad.
- Hmm?
- Can we talk to you for a minute?
- Sure.
Sit down, make
yourselves uncomfortable.
- What's up?
- Well, actually, this is Eddie's story.
All you'll hear from me is an
occasional, "Mm-hm. That's right."
- That's enough, Steve.
- Mm-hm. That's right.
Dad, I did something
really stupid at school...
and I'm gonna
get in trouble for it.
I thought I should let you know about
it before you get a call from principal.
Uh-oh. This sounds serious.
What'd you do?
Well, I...
I...
I cheated on my test.
Mm-hm.
That's right.
You cheated?
- Dad.
- You cheated?
Yes, sir.
Edward, I can't remember
the last time I've been so angry.
And sleepy.
I'm sleepy too.
Mm-hm.
That's right.
Don't try anything, otherwise
you'll get another taste of shovel.
Take it easy. I'm a bleeder.
You cheated? You're grounded.
Terbium, 158.92 TB.
Terbium, 158.92 TB.
Dysprosium, 162.50, Dy.
Dispr... Dis...
Man, this dis stinks.
Can't we take a break
from this chemistry stuff?
Negatory, Eddo.
Now, we have to be able to recite
the periodic table of the elements...
before Mr. Shimata
will lift our suspension.
And I want to get
back to school.
I simply crave
academic nourishment.
Now, where were we? Ah.
Holmium, my personal fav.
164.93, Ho.
- One sixty nine point something.
- No.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Okay, put it right
down there. Look, yeah.
To the left a little bit. Yeah,
right there. Drop it. That's it.
That's it. Okay.
- Oh!
- Oh.
Gee, tsk, that looks heavy.
- Ah.
Are you sure you don't
wanna go skating with us?
- Yeah, come on, Dad.
- No, thanks.
I'm too tired. Oh.
You were right, Aunt Harriette.
He is a lazy sack of potatoes.
I, uh... I said it
with love. Heh.
- Come on, let's go.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, I worked a double
shift last night. I'm dead tired.
Now, all I wanna do is I
wanna dent this couch.
Well, you certainly
are built for the job.
Oh.
Carl? Carl?
- Carl?
- Ah. Ah...
What?
Where's the furniture?
- What furniture, Harriette?
- Exactly.
What are you talking...?
What the...? What...?
Where's the furniture?
- Oh, my God, we've been robbed.
- Let's check the rest of the house.
Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna call the police.
- But, but, I am the police.
Rachel, if the other
guys find out that I...
Well, that I slept through the robbery
of my own home, I'll be a laughingstock.
Hi-dee-ho, Winslows.
Wait a minute.
My parents tried this once.
- Tried what?
- You're moving and you're not telling me.
- You find any prints, Al?
- Nope.
But don't worry, Sleeping Beauty,
someday your prints will come.
Oh, cute, Al. Real cute. Ha, ha. It'll be
a long time before you make sergeant.
So, Rip Van Winslow.
I'm almost finished
with this robbery report.
Can you give me a
description of the perpetrators?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
You were asleep.
That's it. Get it all out,
get it all out, that's right.
Sorry to pressure you, Winslow, but I gotta
get this info before you doze off again.
Okay. All right. Make your
little jests at my expense.
But I will have the last laugh.
And do you know why I
will have the last laugh?
Because you're so well rested?
Hear me and remember...
I will find my furniture.
I will track down the lowlife or lowlifes
who dared do this dirty deed to me.
And they will pay.
And all of my fellow officers...
will say, "Hey, sarge,
you are one heck of a cop."
And they will circle around me
in a giant donut of admiration.
Winslow...
I've misjudged you. You're not
the guy who takes things lying down.
- That's right.
- No siree.
You're the kind of guy who lies
down while other people take things.
Here. Read the study questions.
Number one, "Define inert gas."
- Man, I don't have a clue.
- Me neither.
But once, my father had it so
bad, he had to go to the hospital.
- Hi, guys.
- Steve, I'm so glad to see you.
Really?
Well, you may find this
hard to believe Eddo...
but that's the first time in my
entire life I've ever heard that phrase.
We're studying for the big
chemistry exam tomorrow.
- Oh, good.
- No, it isn't.
I'm way behind. I'm
gonna flunk big time.
Don't be a fuddy duddy.
I'll be your study buddy.
Steve, I could study all
night and I'd still flunk.
I'm a dead man.
Unless...
Unless, what?
Unless maybe you'd
be willing to help me.
I just told you, Eddo.
Mi noggin es su noggin.
No, what I meant is, maybe
you could help me during the test.
- Cheating?
- Cheating?
Shh!
I prefer to call it sharing.
Well, I for one, am appalled.
Why are you so upset, Waldo?
Cheating is wrong, Eddie,
and you should know that.
I may get F's, but
by God, I earn them.
I never thought
I'd see the day...
when I actually agreed
with Waldo Geraldo Faldo.
Now, Eddo, I want you to forget
this cheating nonsense post pronto.
But why?
Eddo, cheating is like wearing
your grandmother's underpants.
Sure, it may cover your heinie.
But if you make a habit of it,
you've got a serious problem.
But it won't become
a habit, Steve.
Help me this once and I promise
from now on, I'll actually study.
Nope. No way. Sorry.
Ain't gonna happen.
Steve, I have
nowhere else to turn.
I need you, buddy.
Will you come through
for me? Please?
Oh.
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes.
But one time.
- And only on one condition.
- Anything.
You have to promise to
study chemistry with me...
night and day until
you're caught up.
You got it. Thanks, Steve.
Now, we need a plan.
Hey, here's one. How about
you give me the answers.
Clever. But will it work?
Now, wait a minute.
- The test is multiple choice.
- Mm-hm.
- Ah. So we'll need a secret code.
- Mm.
A way of communicating that will
appear to be normal, everyday behavior.
Mm-hm.
Hello, I've got it.
If the answer is A, I'll sneeze.
And If the answer
is B, I'll subtly cough.
And If the answer is
C, I'll blow my nose.
And if the answer is
D, I'll hiccup. Hiccup!
- Great. That's perfect.
- Oh, yes, it's perfect.
And to the teacher it will appear
that I merely have the common cold.
Steve, you are a genius.
Oh? Then why do I feel so dirty?
Steve, what's with you?
Oh, Waldo, I've come
down with this awful cold.
All right, everybody
in your seats. Let's go.
All right, I've put the test
on your desk face down.
Now, no one turn
them over until it's...
- So nice of you to join us, Mr. Winslow.
- Sorry I'm so late, sir.
- But I was studying real hard.
- Well, glad to hear it. Sit down.
Psst.
Psst!
Mr. Urkel, have you
sprung some sort of leak?
Uh... No, sir. Sorry, sir.
All right. Turn
your papers over.
We have 40 minutes.
Beginning now.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
- Mr. Urkel...
- Huh?
Are we having a problem
controlling our bodily fluids?
Well, I certainly am, sir.
I woke up this
morning with a cold.
And you decided to bring
it in to us for show and tell.
Good one. Heh-heh-heh.
Hey, Steve. Good
cover. Ha-ha-ha.
I'm not covering, Eddo.
I really did wake up
this morning with a cold.
No talking.
Steve, please help. Give
me the answers to the test.
What might this be, Mr. Urkel?
Well, it looks like the
answers to the test.
One, A. Two, C. Three, B.
Cut that out!
Well, Mr. Urkel, whom
were you helping to cheat?
I'm waiting.
I want you to go straight
to the principal's office...
and give him one good reason why
he shouldn't expel you for cheating.
I'm home, Harriette,
and the subject is closed.
So you didn't
find our furniture.
Great. Look what
you've gone and done.
You've gone and
opened up the subject.
Carl, I'm tired of sitting
on these lawn chairs.
My butt's starting to look
like the top of a cherry pie.
Harriette, this whole thing
is starting to get to me.
- I'm starting to doubt myself.
- Carl, what do you mean?
Well, I mean, I can't believe I
slept through the whole robbery.
This is not like me.
I'm a light sleeper.
I've got the reflexes
of a jungle cat.
That's true, Carl.
You know, I remember
when the kids were little...
and needed their middle
of the night feeding...
you were the first one
to wake up and say:
"Harriette, get up
and feed the kids."
So, big bro, you gonna
haul your ugly, guilty mug...
down to the principal's
office and come clean?
Hadn't planned on it.
Well, why not?
One person is
already in trouble.
If I confess, two
people will be in trouble.
All that does is put
more people in trouble.
I wouldn't be able
to live with that.
Eddie, you forced
Steve to cheat.
And now, when he needs
you, you leave him high and dry.
Steve was a real friend
to you and it's about time...
you returned the favor.
God, I love you.
You're right.
The whole thing is my fault.
Tomorrow morning, I'll go down
to Principal Shimata's office...
and tell him the truth.
Thanks, Eddo.
I knew you'd come through.
Shh.
A little shot of this gas and
Winslow will be sleeping like a baby.
Why are we robbing
the same place twice?
I thought we got everything.
Humiliation, my
dim-witted friend.
Carl Winslow nailed me
at the peak of my career.
You should have seen me,
Ned. I was slick and sinewy.
I could slip through a house like
thread through the eye of a needle.
That must have been when
homes were a lot bigger.
Ned, come here.
Ow!
Carl Winslow ruined my life.
Do you know what 12 long years in a
federal penitentiary can do to a man?
Turns him into a twisted,
demented, sociopath like yourself?
Hey, I was a legend once
and I can be a legend again.
You stick with me, Ned...
one day they'll write
a song about us.
Gee, I hope it's
not rap. I hate rap.
- Dad.
- Hmm?
- Can we talk to you for a minute?
- Sure.
Sit down, make
yourselves uncomfortable.
- What's up?
- Well, actually, this is Eddie's story.
All you'll hear from me is an
occasional, "Mm-hm. That's right."
- That's enough, Steve.
- Mm-hm. That's right.
Dad, I did something
really stupid at school...
and I'm gonna
get in trouble for it.
I thought I should let you know about
it before you get a call from principal.
Uh-oh. This sounds serious.
What'd you do?
Well, I...
I...
I cheated on my test.
Mm-hm.
That's right.
You cheated?
- Dad.
- You cheated?
Yes, sir.
Edward, I can't remember
the last time I've been so angry.
And sleepy.
I'm sleepy too.
Mm-hm.
That's right.
Don't try anything, otherwise
you'll get another taste of shovel.
Take it easy. I'm a bleeder.
You cheated? You're grounded.
Terbium, 158.92 TB.
Terbium, 158.92 TB.
Dysprosium, 162.50, Dy.
Dispr... Dis...
Man, this dis stinks.
Can't we take a break
from this chemistry stuff?
Negatory, Eddo.
Now, we have to be able to recite
the periodic table of the elements...
before Mr. Shimata
will lift our suspension.
And I want to get
back to school.
I simply crave
academic nourishment.
Now, where were we? Ah.
Holmium, my personal fav.
164.93, Ho.
- One sixty nine point something.
- No.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Okay, put it right
down there. Look, yeah.
To the left a little bit. Yeah,
right there. Drop it. That's it.
That's it. Okay.
- Oh!
- Oh.
Gee, tsk, that looks heavy.