Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 13 - Choir Trouble - full transcript
Rachel becomes choir director at her church and soon drives everyone crazy with her micromanagement. She also unknowingly tests recent born-again Christian Urkel's faith when he wants to join the choir, despite his (decidedly) off-key vocal abilities. Estelle eventually sets Rachel straight
It is a quarter to ten!
We'll be late for church!
- As usual.
- Goodness, Lord have mercy.
At least he didn't
tell us to take the bus.
If you're not ready in five
minutes, you're taking the bus!
Kids, are you ready?
Almost! EDWARD: In a sec!
- Five more minutes!
- I'm ready.
Richie.
Why did you spill grape
juice all over yourself?
Because we're
out of orange juice.
- Goodness. Come on.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to spill it.
Every time there's somebody
gonna mess up and do something...
Estelle, my belle.
Morning, Steve.
Wow, you look stunning.
Why, if I were a couple of
years older, we'd, well, uh...
Oh, stop. I've got panty
hose older than you.
- Hey, where is everyone?
- Getting ready for church.
Oh.
What's the matter, sugar?
Well, I guess I'm
just jealous, that's all.
How come?
Well, it's just that every
Sunday, I watch you Winslows...
putt-putt off to church
in your Gremlin.
And, well, I wish
I could tag along.
Doesn't your
family go to church?
Oh, no, my parents' Sunday routine hasn't
varied since they were juniors at MIT.
You see, we all get up at dawn and do the
New York Times crossword puzzle. In ink.
Then we hop on over to the
Behavioral Sciences Lab...
for an hour-long soak in
the sensory-deprivation tank.
Well, now, Steve, you are more than
welcome to come to church with us...
and you can sit
right next to me.
- In a pew?
- Uh-huh.
With you?
Will do.
Maybe I didn't
make myself clear.
We are late for
church! Let's go now!
I'm sorry, we had to change Richie...
- We're wasting time.
Good news, everybody.
Steve is coming with us.
- Come on, Judy, change your dress.
- Okay.
I could never No, no,
never thank you enough
Whoa, I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
You've been so good to me
You've been so good to me
Been so good to me
CHOIR: He's been good
- He's been good to me -
God has been good to me
He's been good RACHEL:
Woke me up early this morning
He's been good to me
- Started me on my way
He's been good - Let me
see you wave your hands
He's been good to me
Yes, Lord, you've been good
You've been so good to me
Yeah! Bravissimo!
Encore! Nice pipes!
Steve, we usually shout
out "amen" or "hallelujah."
Oh. Thanks for telling me.
I was just about
to start the wave.
My, my, my.
The walls of this old church are
vibrating with good music today.
Amen.
Amen.
Our choir sounds so fine...
that even the angels in
our stained glass windows...
are moving to the beat.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Now, as you all know...
Oh, tell it to us now.
- Oh. Carry on.
- Thank you.
As you all know, Sister Frample,
our former choir director...
has decided to pursue
her musical career full time.
Yes. MAN 1: Amen.
Singing backup to ZZ Top.
Our new choir director will
be Sister Rachel Crawford.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
- I'll think about it and get back to you.
- Uh...
- Gospel Sunday is only two weeks away...
- I accept.
And I promise that this year's
Gospel Sunday will be the most fun day.
- Excellent. Now...
- I will lead this choir...
- to new heights of perfection.
- Wonderful.
I publicly pledge in front
of this entire congregation...
- I will leave no stone unturned...
- Sister Crawford?
- Yeah?
- We get the picture.
Now, as I look out
upon the congregation...
it makes me feel happy
to see a few new faces.
Yes. MAN 2: Amen.
So if anyone feels the need
to speak what's in their heart...
stand up and testify.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Young man? I take it you
have something to say?
Yes, your pastorship.
Pastor Peeble, regular people.
My name is Steven Q. Urkel.
Now, before today, I felt like there
was something missing in my life.
Now, I know it seems like I've
got everything going for me. Mm.
Intelligence,
killer good looks...
and a wonderful woman
who's wild about me.
- Touching.
- Sorry.
But today I have learned that those
things were merely foolish pride.
Amen.
Vain attempts to cover
the emptiness in my soul.
Oh, yes.
Not unlike the way the good pastor here
tries to cover the baldness of his head...
with that mail-order rug.
It's about time somebody
pointed that out.
I was looking for
love, caring and joy...
and, well, this place is
chock-full of those things.
Amen.
So I'm happy to say
that a few minutes ago...
I opened my heart
and invited the Lord in.
Well, amen.
Amen Amen
Amen Amen Amen Amen
Amen Amen Amen, amen
Becky, what do you say, uh...
after choir rehearsal,
you, me, movie?
You? Me? Never.
Eddie, you couldn't pick
up a girl if she had handles.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, Carl. What's in the box?
Oh, um, just a hat.
Is that a present for Rachel?
Maybe, maybe not.
Are you trying to
get the big solo?
Maybe, maybe not.
Carl Winslow, you're sucking up.
Yeah. So?
Well, it's sneaky,
underhanded and dishonest.
Hi, Harriette. Hey, thanks
for the new necklace.
It must have cost you a fortune.
All right, everyone, coffee break is
over. Can we take our places, please?
Rachel, Rachel. Uno
momento, s'il vous plaît.
Hmm.
Steve, what are you doing here?
I'd like to join the choir if
it's okay with you, Rachel.
I suppose. Why don't you
squeeze in there with the tenors?
Oh.
Ah, ooh, hey. Gangway. Gangway. Elbow
room. Elbow room. New guy. New guy.
Okay, everyone, we'll
start with "Oh, Happy Day."
Oh, happy day
Oh, happy day
STEVE Oh, happy day
When Jesus washed
Hold it. Hold it.
Sounds like a hyena hootenanny.
Uh, Steve, perhaps
I was a little hasty.
Why don't you step
forward and sing for me?
Oh. Certainly.
Charles.
Oh, happy day - Steve.
Oh, happy day Steve.
Oh, happy day Steve.
Mm.
It's not a happy day, Steve.
Honey, you're way off-key.
Let's see if a pitch
pipe will help you.
Why don't you try
this? Okay, here we go.
Steve, you're not
listening. Listen to it, now.
Steve, listen to it.
Steve, we have a
major problem here.
Maybe you could come back
when your voice has changed.
It already did.
Well, Steve, I'm sorry, but
Gospel Sunday is very important...
and I just can't let
you be in the choir.
Rachel, Rachel,
Rachel, he just joined.
- Give him a chance.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
But will everyone who's directing
this choir, please raise their baton?
Well, that's settled. Now,
Steve, your hymnal, please.
Okay.
Go tell it on the
mountain Hallelujah.
Over the hills And everywhere
Go tell it on the mountain
- Hallelujah. CHOIR:
That Jesus Christ is born
No. People, people, people.
Now, look, I know we've been
rehearsing this song for six hours...
but it's losing its freshness.
Yeah, people, let's perk it up.
- Marge?
- Yes?
Sister, sing from your
diaphragm, not your sinuses.
And, Brother Spencer, slap
some Poligrip on those choppers.
You sound like a
pair of castanets.
- Rachel. RACHEL:
Zip it, Harriette.
We've got work to do here.
Okay, now, once more.
And this time, see if
you can follow my baton.
Go tell it on the mountain
Over the hills and everywhere
Hallelujah. CHOIR: Go
tell it on the mountain
- That Jesus Christ is
born CARL: Hallelujah
Go tell it on the mountain
- Hold it.
- Hallelujah
Carl, 86 the hallelujahs.
- But what about my solo?
- Eighty-six that too.
Rachel, you can't do
that. I bought you a hat.
I can do whatever I want, Mr. Winslow,
because I am the choir director.
Hey, hey, hey.
Problem?
Now, Rachel, if Carl's not
singing the solo, then who is?
Well... Ahem.
I am. Hey, hey, hey.
Now, look, Marge and I have the best
voices, so I flipped a coin and I won.
Hey, now, look, I
am in charge here.
That is why I have the baton.
Now you have two.
Where are you
going with my hat?!
Come back here.
Right now, people.
All right, that's it.
You'll never sing
in this town again.
Oh!
Ooh.
You won again.
Steve, how did you get
so good at checkers?
Practice. Fortunately, when
I was young, I had no friends.
Steve, did you tell your
parents that you went to church?
Oh, yeah.
- How did they take it?
- Oh, not too good.
My father said, "Steven,
stop this church nonsense...
and rejoin your mother and me
in the sensory-deprivation tanks."
And I said, "Tanks? No tanks."
Well, it's probably
because they miss you.
No, philosophical disagreement.
You see, my father demanded to
know how, with my scientific training...
I could believe in God.
After all, I can't
touch, see or feel him.
But I pointed out that I can't
touch, see or feel an atom either...
but I believe it exists.
You're right, that's
what we call faith.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, sugar.
- Where is everybody?
- They went out to dinner.
Why didn't you go?
Well, Harriette, Carl
and I drew straws...
to find out who would stay to have
a little heart-to-heart talk with you.
- And you won?
- Won, lost, what's the difference?
Rachel, sit over
here, sweetheart.
Rachel, you know how you've
been acting as choir director?
Yes.
Well, knock it off.
Excuse me?
Rachel, the good
Lord doesn't care...
if his praises are
sung off-key...
as long as it's sung
straight from the heart.
You're right.
And, Steve, I shouldn't have
kicked you out of the choir.
Ah, look on the bright side.
You just saved me the trouble of
quitting later on with all the others.
I guess I had that coming.
Oh, I really messed up.
Gospel Sunday is in two days,
and the choir won't even talk to me.
Well, apologize to them.
Maybe they'll forgive you.
Not after the way I acted.
Rachel, just before you came in,
Steve and I were discussing faith.
It seems to me you should
apologize to the choir...
and have faith
they will forgive you.
- But what if they don't forgive me?
- Then you'll have to leave town.
And as God tells us...
in Psalm 95, verse one...
let us sing unto the Lord.
Let us make a joyful noise
to the rock of our salvation.
But we're not
gonna do that today.
Gospel Sunday has been canceled.
Plans got changed. Uh...
Things got switched off.
People had obligations.
- Pastor Peeble?
- Yes, Rachel?
If I may, I think the congregation
deserves to hear the truth.
Please.
Folks, the reason Gospel
Sunday was canceled...
is because the choir quit.
And the reason the choir quit...
was because the moment
I became choir director...
I started acting like a jerk.
Amen. MAN 2: Amen.
I got a swelled head and I
started picking on people...
and just bossing
everyone around.
I am truly sorry...
and I just hope you can find
it in your hearts to forgive me.
- Rachel?
- Yes?
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you may look
at others differently
By putting your hand
in the hand of the man
From Galilee
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a good look at yourself
You might look at
others differently
By putting your hands
in the hands of the man
From Galilee CARL: Oh, yeah.
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Amen HARRIETTE: The water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you might look
at others differently
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
From Galilee
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
You might look at
others differently
Whoa, I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
You've been so good to me
- You've been so good to
me - Been so good to me
He's been good
- He's been good to me
RACHEL: God has been good to me
He's been good - Woke
me up early this morning
He's been good to me
RACHEL: Started me on my way
He's been good - Let me
see you wave your hands
He's been good to me
Yes, Lord, you've been good
He's been good to me
Yes, Lord, you've been good
We'll be late for church!
- As usual.
- Goodness, Lord have mercy.
At least he didn't
tell us to take the bus.
If you're not ready in five
minutes, you're taking the bus!
Kids, are you ready?
Almost! EDWARD: In a sec!
- Five more minutes!
- I'm ready.
Richie.
Why did you spill grape
juice all over yourself?
Because we're
out of orange juice.
- Goodness. Come on.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to spill it.
Every time there's somebody
gonna mess up and do something...
Estelle, my belle.
Morning, Steve.
Wow, you look stunning.
Why, if I were a couple of
years older, we'd, well, uh...
Oh, stop. I've got panty
hose older than you.
- Hey, where is everyone?
- Getting ready for church.
Oh.
What's the matter, sugar?
Well, I guess I'm
just jealous, that's all.
How come?
Well, it's just that every
Sunday, I watch you Winslows...
putt-putt off to church
in your Gremlin.
And, well, I wish
I could tag along.
Doesn't your
family go to church?
Oh, no, my parents' Sunday routine hasn't
varied since they were juniors at MIT.
You see, we all get up at dawn and do the
New York Times crossword puzzle. In ink.
Then we hop on over to the
Behavioral Sciences Lab...
for an hour-long soak in
the sensory-deprivation tank.
Well, now, Steve, you are more than
welcome to come to church with us...
and you can sit
right next to me.
- In a pew?
- Uh-huh.
With you?
Will do.
Maybe I didn't
make myself clear.
We are late for
church! Let's go now!
I'm sorry, we had to change Richie...
- We're wasting time.
Good news, everybody.
Steve is coming with us.
- Come on, Judy, change your dress.
- Okay.
I could never No, no,
never thank you enough
Whoa, I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
You've been so good to me
You've been so good to me
Been so good to me
CHOIR: He's been good
- He's been good to me -
God has been good to me
He's been good RACHEL:
Woke me up early this morning
He's been good to me
- Started me on my way
He's been good - Let me
see you wave your hands
He's been good to me
Yes, Lord, you've been good
You've been so good to me
Yeah! Bravissimo!
Encore! Nice pipes!
Steve, we usually shout
out "amen" or "hallelujah."
Oh. Thanks for telling me.
I was just about
to start the wave.
My, my, my.
The walls of this old church are
vibrating with good music today.
Amen.
Amen.
Our choir sounds so fine...
that even the angels in
our stained glass windows...
are moving to the beat.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Now, as you all know...
Oh, tell it to us now.
- Oh. Carry on.
- Thank you.
As you all know, Sister Frample,
our former choir director...
has decided to pursue
her musical career full time.
Yes. MAN 1: Amen.
Singing backup to ZZ Top.
Our new choir director will
be Sister Rachel Crawford.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
- I'll think about it and get back to you.
- Uh...
- Gospel Sunday is only two weeks away...
- I accept.
And I promise that this year's
Gospel Sunday will be the most fun day.
- Excellent. Now...
- I will lead this choir...
- to new heights of perfection.
- Wonderful.
I publicly pledge in front
of this entire congregation...
- I will leave no stone unturned...
- Sister Crawford?
- Yeah?
- We get the picture.
Now, as I look out
upon the congregation...
it makes me feel happy
to see a few new faces.
Yes. MAN 2: Amen.
So if anyone feels the need
to speak what's in their heart...
stand up and testify.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Young man? I take it you
have something to say?
Yes, your pastorship.
Pastor Peeble, regular people.
My name is Steven Q. Urkel.
Now, before today, I felt like there
was something missing in my life.
Now, I know it seems like I've
got everything going for me. Mm.
Intelligence,
killer good looks...
and a wonderful woman
who's wild about me.
- Touching.
- Sorry.
But today I have learned that those
things were merely foolish pride.
Amen.
Vain attempts to cover
the emptiness in my soul.
Oh, yes.
Not unlike the way the good pastor here
tries to cover the baldness of his head...
with that mail-order rug.
It's about time somebody
pointed that out.
I was looking for
love, caring and joy...
and, well, this place is
chock-full of those things.
Amen.
So I'm happy to say
that a few minutes ago...
I opened my heart
and invited the Lord in.
Well, amen.
Amen Amen
Amen Amen Amen Amen
Amen Amen Amen, amen
Becky, what do you say, uh...
after choir rehearsal,
you, me, movie?
You? Me? Never.
Eddie, you couldn't pick
up a girl if she had handles.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, Carl. What's in the box?
Oh, um, just a hat.
Is that a present for Rachel?
Maybe, maybe not.
Are you trying to
get the big solo?
Maybe, maybe not.
Carl Winslow, you're sucking up.
Yeah. So?
Well, it's sneaky,
underhanded and dishonest.
Hi, Harriette. Hey, thanks
for the new necklace.
It must have cost you a fortune.
All right, everyone, coffee break is
over. Can we take our places, please?
Rachel, Rachel. Uno
momento, s'il vous plaît.
Hmm.
Steve, what are you doing here?
I'd like to join the choir if
it's okay with you, Rachel.
I suppose. Why don't you
squeeze in there with the tenors?
Oh.
Ah, ooh, hey. Gangway. Gangway. Elbow
room. Elbow room. New guy. New guy.
Okay, everyone, we'll
start with "Oh, Happy Day."
Oh, happy day
Oh, happy day
STEVE Oh, happy day
When Jesus washed
Hold it. Hold it.
Sounds like a hyena hootenanny.
Uh, Steve, perhaps
I was a little hasty.
Why don't you step
forward and sing for me?
Oh. Certainly.
Charles.
Oh, happy day - Steve.
Oh, happy day Steve.
Oh, happy day Steve.
Mm.
It's not a happy day, Steve.
Honey, you're way off-key.
Let's see if a pitch
pipe will help you.
Why don't you try
this? Okay, here we go.
Steve, you're not
listening. Listen to it, now.
Steve, listen to it.
Steve, we have a
major problem here.
Maybe you could come back
when your voice has changed.
It already did.
Well, Steve, I'm sorry, but
Gospel Sunday is very important...
and I just can't let
you be in the choir.
Rachel, Rachel,
Rachel, he just joined.
- Give him a chance.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
But will everyone who's directing
this choir, please raise their baton?
Well, that's settled. Now,
Steve, your hymnal, please.
Okay.
Go tell it on the
mountain Hallelujah.
Over the hills And everywhere
Go tell it on the mountain
- Hallelujah. CHOIR:
That Jesus Christ is born
No. People, people, people.
Now, look, I know we've been
rehearsing this song for six hours...
but it's losing its freshness.
Yeah, people, let's perk it up.
- Marge?
- Yes?
Sister, sing from your
diaphragm, not your sinuses.
And, Brother Spencer, slap
some Poligrip on those choppers.
You sound like a
pair of castanets.
- Rachel. RACHEL:
Zip it, Harriette.
We've got work to do here.
Okay, now, once more.
And this time, see if
you can follow my baton.
Go tell it on the mountain
Over the hills and everywhere
Hallelujah. CHOIR: Go
tell it on the mountain
- That Jesus Christ is
born CARL: Hallelujah
Go tell it on the mountain
- Hold it.
- Hallelujah
Carl, 86 the hallelujahs.
- But what about my solo?
- Eighty-six that too.
Rachel, you can't do
that. I bought you a hat.
I can do whatever I want, Mr. Winslow,
because I am the choir director.
Hey, hey, hey.
Problem?
Now, Rachel, if Carl's not
singing the solo, then who is?
Well... Ahem.
I am. Hey, hey, hey.
Now, look, Marge and I have the best
voices, so I flipped a coin and I won.
Hey, now, look, I
am in charge here.
That is why I have the baton.
Now you have two.
Where are you
going with my hat?!
Come back here.
Right now, people.
All right, that's it.
You'll never sing
in this town again.
Oh!
Ooh.
You won again.
Steve, how did you get
so good at checkers?
Practice. Fortunately, when
I was young, I had no friends.
Steve, did you tell your
parents that you went to church?
Oh, yeah.
- How did they take it?
- Oh, not too good.
My father said, "Steven,
stop this church nonsense...
and rejoin your mother and me
in the sensory-deprivation tanks."
And I said, "Tanks? No tanks."
Well, it's probably
because they miss you.
No, philosophical disagreement.
You see, my father demanded to
know how, with my scientific training...
I could believe in God.
After all, I can't
touch, see or feel him.
But I pointed out that I can't
touch, see or feel an atom either...
but I believe it exists.
You're right, that's
what we call faith.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, sugar.
- Where is everybody?
- They went out to dinner.
Why didn't you go?
Well, Harriette, Carl
and I drew straws...
to find out who would stay to have
a little heart-to-heart talk with you.
- And you won?
- Won, lost, what's the difference?
Rachel, sit over
here, sweetheart.
Rachel, you know how you've
been acting as choir director?
Yes.
Well, knock it off.
Excuse me?
Rachel, the good
Lord doesn't care...
if his praises are
sung off-key...
as long as it's sung
straight from the heart.
You're right.
And, Steve, I shouldn't have
kicked you out of the choir.
Ah, look on the bright side.
You just saved me the trouble of
quitting later on with all the others.
I guess I had that coming.
Oh, I really messed up.
Gospel Sunday is in two days,
and the choir won't even talk to me.
Well, apologize to them.
Maybe they'll forgive you.
Not after the way I acted.
Rachel, just before you came in,
Steve and I were discussing faith.
It seems to me you should
apologize to the choir...
and have faith
they will forgive you.
- But what if they don't forgive me?
- Then you'll have to leave town.
And as God tells us...
in Psalm 95, verse one...
let us sing unto the Lord.
Let us make a joyful noise
to the rock of our salvation.
But we're not
gonna do that today.
Gospel Sunday has been canceled.
Plans got changed. Uh...
Things got switched off.
People had obligations.
- Pastor Peeble?
- Yes, Rachel?
If I may, I think the congregation
deserves to hear the truth.
Please.
Folks, the reason Gospel
Sunday was canceled...
is because the choir quit.
And the reason the choir quit...
was because the moment
I became choir director...
I started acting like a jerk.
Amen. MAN 2: Amen.
I got a swelled head and I
started picking on people...
and just bossing
everyone around.
I am truly sorry...
and I just hope you can find
it in your hearts to forgive me.
- Rachel?
- Yes?
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you may look
at others differently
By putting your hand
in the hand of the man
From Galilee
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a good look at yourself
You might look at
others differently
By putting your hands
in the hands of the man
From Galilee CARL: Oh, yeah.
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Amen HARRIETTE: The water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
And you might look
at others differently
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
From Galilee
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
Who stilled the water
Put your hand in
the hand of the man
That calmed the sea
Take a look at yourself
You might look at
others differently
Whoa, I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
I could never
CHOIR: I could never
No, no, never CHOIR: No,
no, never thank you enough
You've been so good to me
- You've been so good to
me - Been so good to me
He's been good
- He's been good to me
RACHEL: God has been good to me
He's been good - Woke
me up early this morning
He's been good to me
RACHEL: Started me on my way
He's been good - Let me
see you wave your hands
He's been good to me
Yes, Lord, you've been good
He's been good to me
Yes, Lord, you've been good