Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 12 - A Pair of Ladies - full transcript

Mom, that's too long.
Hemlines are short this year.

Still too long.

Keep going.

- Are there gonna be boys at this party?
- Of course.

Perfect.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, Rach, how was work?
- Oh, it was a nightmare.

I lost two waitresses.

Gladys quit and I
had to fire Loretta.

- Loretta?
- Yeah. She was stealing food.

Went to hug her good night
and a ham fell out of her dress.



You sure look wiped out.

Oh, girl, I am.

I don't know if I can last
until I can hire new help.

Well, that's no problem.
I can work a few nights.

Oh, Laura, thank
you. You're a lifesaver.

I tell you, my feet ache, my
back is sore, my head is throbbing.

I can help out too.

But it's not that bad.

I can start tomorrow.
It's Carl's poker night.

I'd be thrilled to
get out of the house.

No, really, Harriette,
it's not necessary.

Rachel, are you trying to
say you don't want my help?

I'm not trying to say it.

I said it.



Why?

Harriette, we don't
work well together.

What do you mean?

You can be abrasive, Harriette.

Whenever there's
a disagreement...

you just have a tendency
to be rather blunt and harsh.

Now, Rachel, I'm gonna
be your new waitress.

I don't wanna hear another
thing about it. Discussion closed.

Great. I hired
Harriette the Hun.

No, don't tell me.

Yello? Poker central.

McCormick, where are you?

You're holding up the game.

Say what? Hold on a sec.

Hey, guys. McCormick's
wife just went into labor.

He wants to know if he should
come here or to the hospital first.

How far apart are
the contractions?

McCormick, go to the hospital.
Good luck, and congratulations.

Well, we're down
to four players.

Four makes a lousy game.
We gotta find somebody else.

- Who we gonna get on short notice?
- Hey, I'm desperate. I'll take anyone.

Hello-de-oh-de-oh.

Hey, what you playing,
big guy? Canasta?

Animal Rummy? Crazy Eights?

No, Steve. It's poker.

- You wanna join us?
- No can do, lieu.

I came for the beauteous Laura.

Laura isn't here. She and Harriette
went to help at Rachel's Place.

Oh, pity, pity, pity.

I thought she might enjoy
watching me buy my new accordion.

I finally saved up enough...

to buy the pearl inlaid
Morris Pulaski Polka Panther.

Well, she'll be sorry
she missed you.

How much you got there?

Three hundred and
twenty seven dollars.

Sit down.

I don't know how to play poker.

Sit down.

Wait a minute. He's just a
kid. Let's not take advantage.

Relax, Winslow, it's
just a fun, friendly game.

Oh, a bunch of guys
shuffling the 52s,

talking sports and
skirts, i.e. male bonding?

All that and more.

Well, if it's just for fun,
count me in, amigos.

Now, how does this work?

Well, first, buy some chips.

Okay.

Oh, red, white and blue. I didn't
know poker was so patriotic.

- Sergeant George Randolph.
- Oh, Steve Urkel. Put her there.

Fred Yamano.

Steve Urkel. Put her there.

What did he say?

You don't speak the
emperor's language?

No. I was born in Omaha.

Hey, a Cornhusker.

There is no place like Nebraska

Dear old Nebraska U

Where the girls are the fairest
And the boys are the squarest

Of any old school I
knew Everybody, now.

Ooh, a 25-cent tip.

I can take that
Hawaiian vacation now.

Somebody pick up this food.

What do you think, I'm
cooking for practice here?

- Harriette.
- Mm-hm.

Did you rearrange the storeroom?

Yep. Now everything
is where it should be.

But, Harriette, it took me months to
organize it just the way I wanted it.

It was all wrong. My way
is much more practical.

Oh, really?

Then why did you put the
mayonnaise and pickles under "J"?

Because they're in jars.

I see. Then why is the
jar of jelly under "S"?

Because it's strawberry.

- Harriette, I...
- Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, you're the owner.

You can stand, do nothing,
but me? I've got hash to sling.

Wait a minute. We
don't serve hash.

We do now.

A four, possible straight.
Steve takes a seven.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, yeah. Poker face.

An eight. No help. I'd am-scray.

Lieutenant takes a
five. Pair showing.

Dealer takes a jack.
No apparent help.

Your bet, kid.

Bet!

Betting, 1 simoleon.

El foldo.

I make it two.

- I'm out.
- Call.

Well, as Sir Edmund Hillary used to say,
"This is getting pretty steep." Heh, heh.

Oh, but what the heck? I'm in.

Last card. Down and dirty.

Whoa, Nellie. Ave
Maria. Holy smoke.

Oh, I bet everything I've got.

You don't scare me, kid.

- I call.
- Too rich for my blood.

What have you got?

Three 10s and two sevens.

Ooh.

What's that again, big
guy? A crowded condo?

- A full house.
- Oh, yeah.

What do you got?

Oh... I only have two pairs.

- I win.
- Wait.

Two pairs of fives.

Holy smokes.

I win. Yes. Ha-ha-ha.

Excuse me.

Look...

That wasn't very nice of
you to let me think I won.

No, but it was pretty
funny. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, as the Ming vase said after it
fell off the Sears Tower, "I'm broke."

So if you'll just give me my
money back, I'll skedaddle.

Uh-oh.

You expect us to give
you your money back?

Well, sure. You said it
was just a friendly game.

You know, guys having fun.

Yeah, the more money I
win, the more fun I have.

Hey, but I need that
money, for crying out loud.

Well, sir, Steve is new to the game. He
didn't know we were playing for keeps.

He knows now.

Under the circumstances...

I think that we should give
him his money back, lieutenant.

Butt out, sergeant.

Why, you bully.

It's becoming obvious
to me that things Carl

says about you behind
your back are true.

Heh.

He's delirious, sir.

It's the cheese puffs talking.

You, sir, are a cabbage head.

- Steve.
- Well, he had it coming, Carl.

Hey, kid, sticks and stones
may break my bones...

But I've got all your money.

Hey, stop growling,
Steve. Stop growling, Steve.

Stop growling, Steve. Stop.

Steve. Steve.

Steve.

Steve?

I'm going to give
you your money back.

Well, gee, why are
you gonna do that?

You didn't know the rules...

and you're a guest in my
house, I feel responsible.

So... There. There you go.

Gee, thanks, big guy.

You really are my friend.

Okay. Don't get crazed.

Buy your accordion. Take my
money before I realize what I'm doing.

That's a nice thing you did.

No, sir.

Not until I wipe the smirk
off this flatfoot's face.

- You're coming back for more?
- Oh, you bet your sweet billy club.

Steve, don't do this.

Well, why not?

Now you'll be losing my money.

Well, that's a risk
I'm willing to take.

Gents, belly up to the table.

It's time to play some
cutthroat poker. Oh!

My aunt owns the place.

And my sister works
here. My mom helps out.

That's one of the reasons I like
you, Eddie. Family's important to you.

Yes. Yes, it is, Lisa.

My family is warm and emotional.
That's where I get it from.

I cannot believe you. How could
you talk to the cook like that?

I just asked Ramon
a simple question:

Is this blackened chicken
or did you burn it again?

Who are those people?

Heh, I've never seen
them before in my life.

Let's go get Chinese, all right?

Hey, big mouth.

I'm going back to the truck
stop where Ramon is loved.

Laura, uh, go talk to Ramon.
Give him the usual speech.

He's an artist, we love him,
he's a Michelangelo of meatloaf...

Big mistake.

If Ramon's ego was any bigger,
he wouldn't fit in the kitchen.

I heard that.

And I'm refusing to take any
insults from a lousy biscuit shooter.

Either she goes or I go.

Well, in that case, pick up your
paycheck and hit the road, jack.

You're firing my cook?

Well, somebody's gotta do it.

Oh, wait just a minute, honey.
Let's get something straight here.

Look at that sign. Does that
sign say "Harriette's Place"? No.

It says Rachel's Place.

What are you hinting at?

I am hinting that you can
pick up your paycheck...

and hit the road, jack.

- You're firing me?
- Yeah, that's right. You're fired.

Evening, miss, you
got a table for 35?

Hey, boys.

You're hired.

I'll bet one.

Your hot streak is over, kid.

I make it five.

I call.

This Cornhusker's no fool.

Your five and bump it.

- How much?
- Ten more, dude.

I'm out.

You don't even have a pair showing.
Not a possible straight or a flush.

You're bluffing, kid.

You know, those flapping
lips are keeping me cold...

but you're wasting my time.

Your 10.

And another 20.

Too rich for my blood.

Well, it's just
you and me, nerd.

Put up or shut up.

All right, copper.

I'll put up.

I'll put up everything I've got.

Everything?

Everything.

The whole kit and kaboodle.

But, Steve, what are you
doing? That's over $200.

I know.

I don't have that much.

Well, as my grandma once said when she
overcooked her noogies, "Tough noogies."

Wait.

This watch... is
worth over $300.

The captain gave it to me for
breaking up an illegal gambling ring.

Acceptable.

But, lieutenant,
you love that watch.

That's the watch you refused to sell
when your mother needed that operation.

I know.

But this is poker.

What you got?

A flush.

Diamonds are a
cop's best friend.

Oh, and all I have is two-pair.

Yes. I win. Ha, ha!

Ah, ah, ah.

Two pair of 10s.

Four 10s.

All right. Ha, ha.

Four 10s?

Four 10s. You lose.

Four 10s?

You lose.

Four 10s?

You lose. You see,
anyway you say it, you lose.

Bye, guys. Good night.
Good luck next week.

Come again.

I never knew the restaurant business
could be so hard on the hooves.

Yeah, but the
tips make up for it.

Oh, yes. A nice smile
and a cheery attitude...

you will go home with your
pockets full. How'd you do tonight?

- Thirty-eight bucks.
- All right!

How about you, Mom?

- Mom?
- Four dollars and 13 cents.

And a half a stick
of chewing gum.

Laura, would you
mind going back there...

and giving Ramon his
usual good-night pep talk?

You're a genius, you're a
god, you saved our butts again.

Oh, boy.

Rachel?

- Yeah?
- I owe you an apology.

Yes, you do.

This is your restaurant and you should
run it with no interference from me.

- And you know what?
- What?

You're really good at it.

- You really think so?
- Never seen anything like it.

A few minutes ago, this
place was a madhouse...

but you were calm,
cool and in control.

You dealt with a hungry
mob, a crazy cook...

and a big-mouth, pushy sister
who thinks she knows everything.

Wait a minute.

A compliment from you?

What's the catch?

No catch.

You know, Rachel...

as far back as I can remember...

I've always been the big sister
looking out for my little sister.

But somewhere along the line...

you started looking
out for yourself, yourself.

I'm proud of you, Rachel.

You know, I'm just
lucky I had a big sister...

who taught me how to
look out for myself, myself.

Thank you for always
being there for me.

I couldn't have a better sister.

Oh, Rachel.

Four 10s.

Uh, lieutenant.

- Hmm?
- It's late.

Don't you think we
better call it a night?

Yeah.

Sure.

Four 10s.

Hey, lieu.

Yeah?

You forgot something.

What's this for?

Well, unlike
you, I play for fun.

I get to keep this?

Well, as Lady Chatterley
said to all of her lovers:

"Sure. Why not?"

You're all right, kid.

That was nice,
Steve. Real classy.

Oh, thanks, big guy.

- You know what would be even classier?
- What?

If you give me my money back.

Oh, sure, it's right here.

Well, thanks, Steve.

Hey, and listen. Now, I'm
gonna give up gambling...

but before I do, how
about one last wager?

What do you got in mind?

Well, we cut the deck.

If I get the high card, I can
come over here anytime I want.

What do I get if I
get the high card?

I stay away for a month.

Six months.

You're on.

Oh, no, a three.

Aw, deuce, you win.

All right!

Hey, no hard feelings, big guy.

No, fair is fair, Steve.