Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Love God - full transcript

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Everything is under control.

Oh, and good news.

The new special is
Louisiana Blackened Pizza.

Hurry up, Winslow.

I don't like to be kept waiting.

Promise you won't laugh?

You have my word as an
officer and a gentleman.

You promised me
you wouldn't laugh.

I had my fingers crossed, ma'am.

Whoo! Ooh...



You're beautiful
when you're angry.

Okay, that's it.

As of now I am unvolunteering
for this operation.

Fine, Winslow.

You want to be a sergeant
for the rest of your life?

- Well, no, but...
- Listen up!

Some lowlife mugged the
wife of our beloved police chief.

Now, if we capture
that lowlife...

how do you think our beloved
police chief will reward us?

With a promotion.

That's the least we can
expect from that old rummy.

Well, let's get this over with.

May I?

I'll put my face on in the car.



Wait, wait, wait.

Allow me, babe.

Don't you even think about it.

- Aunt Rachel?
- Yes, sweetie?

Have you checked out
the guy at table four?

Six-foot-2, tweed jacket, brown
eyes, gold watch, no wedding ring...

small scar on chin?

- That's him.
- Hardly noticed him.

Right. Well, he asked
to see the manager.

- Oh, no. What's wrong?
- He didn't say.

When you go over there, check
out his dimples when he chews.

I'm the manager, sir.
Is there a problem?

As a matter of fact, there is.

I've got this delicious
dinner in front of

me and I have to eat
it all alone. Unless...

Would you join me?

Well, it's the
after-school rush...

and as you can see
I'm very, very... Sure.

Vonda Mahoney.

- In the flesh.
- And, oh, what flesh it is.

What you gonna do, Eddie?

I'm gonna put the moves
on Vonda. Word is she's fast.

I could beat her.

Those high heels
would slow her down.

No, man.

Guys who go out with
Vonda get instant reps.

We'd be studs
instead of what we are.

- You know?
- Virgins?

Hi, Vonda.

Can I buy you a soda?
A burger? A motor home?

- That's a great line.
- Thanks.

Now go away.

Why? What's wrong?

I got a D on my
algebra test this morning.

And if I can't get at least a B
on the midterm, I'm gonna flunk.

Well, maybe I can help you out.

Really?

- You any good at algebra?
- Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, please.

Does this look like the body
of a guy who's good at algebra?

Then how can you help?

Oh, well, I know the
smartest kid in school.

He got me through math.
He could do the same for you.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

Um... If you can
get him to tutor me...

I'll be very grateful to you.

Very grateful?

Very, very grateful.

Excuse me.

- Whoa! What'd I do? What'd I do?
- Steve!

I need your help.

Now, Eddo, I'm
busy and I don't...

Wow, Mamma!

That's Vonda Mahoney.
She's flunking algebra.

If you tutor her and she
passes, she'll go out with me.

Got you. And what's
in it for The Steverino?

Friendship. We'll
be best buddies.

Really?

Even when other
people are around?

Well, that's asking a lot.

Okay.

Excuse me, Greg. I
have to go help my help.

Oh, that's too bad. I
wasn't done flirting.

Well, neither was I.

- Is that my check?
- No, your meal's on the house.

That's my phone number.

You know, Harriette...

I've been parading around in
this get-up for a whole month now...

and I haven't attracted
one single sleazeball.

To tell you the truth,
Carl, I'm not surprised.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, isn't the object of this to look
as much as possible like a woman?

Well, of course.

There might be a small
problem with your mustache.

Oh, no, no, no. The police chief's
wife has a bigger mustache than me.

I don't know, apparently
this guy is hot for hair.

Something else must be wrong.

There is.

Carl, you don't
walk like a woman.

You walk like a linebacker.

Oh, and I suppose that you
know how to walk like a woman.

I've had a few years’
experience. Watch me close.

Mm-hm. See, a woman is daintier.

More feminine. She glides.

- Hey, you are good.
- I know.

- Let me try.
- Okay.

- Slow down, slower. Slower, baby.
- Okay.

- Slow, slow, left to right, left to right.
- Okay.

- Oh, we cooking with grease now, baby.
- Yeah.

We're cooking now.

Sweetheart, I don't know
if I'll catch a mugger...

but I sure needed a
good laugh this morning.

Oh, unhand her, madam.

Steve, take it easy.

Laura, how can you
be so blasé about this?

My God, girl, you've been
watching too much Geraldo.

Steve, it's me, Carl.

Oh... Oh. Oh!

Steve, relax. I'm
working. Undercover.

I'm a mugging decoy.

Oh, boy, that's a big relief.

Carl, I need the car so I
have to drive you to work.

Oh, okay, honey.

Wait a minute,
sweetheart. That's my bag.

Oh, oh, excuse me.
- That's all right.

- Easy, don't get over like that.
- I got it now, babe. I won't fall

- Steve! Steve!
- At your service.

I passed my Algebra exam.

It was thanks to you
and your tutoring.

Oh, congratulations.

But you deserve
most of the credit.

Your own brain got you there, I
just pointed it in the right direction.

- Well, I still want to thank you, Steve.
- Oh, you're welcome.

- No, you don't understand.
- I want to really thank you.

Oh, you're really welcome.

No, no, um, you
don't understand.

There's a certain way
that I show my gratitude.

Oh? Well, I am
partial to cheese.

No, no. I was thinking
we could go out on a date.

A date? With me?

Mm-hm.

- A "date" date?
- Mm-hm.

- Oh, with me?
- Mm-hm.

- Steve? Steve? Are you okay?
- Huh? Huh?

Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I am calm, I am cool
and I am collected.

- I'm making you nervous, aren't I?
- Oh, just a little.

Now, look, Vonda...

I'm overwhelmed by
your generous offer...

but I'm afraid I have
to turn you down.

- Why?
- Oh, you're good.

Steve, don't you understand that one date
with me is gonna change your entire life?

Oh.

Well, how exactly?

Don't some of the
kids think that you're a...

Well, what's the word?

- The word is nerd.
- Yeah.

Well, after you go out with me, your
rep would change. You'd become a...

ladies' man.

Yeah.

Wow.

From dud to stud.

He's coming!

He's coming. He's coming.

Oh, my God, Steve
Urkel is coming!

Yo, girls. Sweat patrol.

I'd give anything to
be like Steve Urkel.

Face it, Eddie. There can only
be one Steve Urkel in this world.

And Steve Urkel is one of them.

Oh!

Laura...

I saved my best
perspiration for you.

Care to mop my brow?

Forget it.

No sweat, my pet?

In your dreams.

Hey, this is my dream.

Well, then, not
even in your dreams.

I can't believe this. I'm being
rejected in my own fantasy.

Steve? Steve?

Huh? Oh.

Vonda, sit down a sec.

- Now, we need to talk.
- About what?

Well, about reputations.
Now, we'll start with mine.

Now, I wouldn't be
comfortable being a ladies' man.

I just want to be
one lady's man.

- Laura, right?
- Yes, indeed.

And...

Now, if I have the
reputation of being a nerd...

well, that makes no never mind
to me. Because I like myself.

Well, good for you. I'm glad.

Now, uh, you have a
reputation too, don't you?

I don't know.

Well, some of the guys in
school say that you're, um...

Well, that you're, um...

- Easy?
- Yeah, that's it.

Hey, Steve, I wanna
be popular, okay?

But, Vonda, you're terrific. You're
pretty, you're smart and you're nice.

Like, you don't have to
be easy to be popular.

- But I want guys to like me.
- They will.

But first you have
to like yourself.

Now, do you like yourself?

Not always.

Well, you can change that.

But I'm supposed to go out with
Eddie Winslow tomorrow night.

Steve, he's expecting me
to be very, very grateful.

Oh, pish-tosh.

Eddie is my best bud and he
happens to be a true gentleman.

Eddie Winslow?

I guarantee you, he will be the first
to congratulate you on your new life.

Actually, he'll be
the second one.

Congratulations, Vonda.

Oh, gosh, I am telling you, I never
knew that hockey could be so much fun.

There's always great
action on the ice.

Yeah. What were the players
doing when they weren't...

punching, gouging, and
slapping each other with sticks?

- Oh, that? That was hockey.
- Get out of here.

You could sure get rid
of aggressions that way.

- Oh, yeah, it's a terrific game.
- Yeah.

Thanks for another
great evening, Greg.

My pleasure. Rachel,
I think you're terrific.

- Well...
- In fact, so is your whole family.

They're good, solid,
salt of the earth people.

Hey, Greg, hey, Rachel.

Great news, I got mugged.

Harriette is gonna be so proud.

Hey, honey? Sweetheart?
It worked! Hey, Harriette.

Yeah, we're good, solid,
salt of the earth people.

Well...

Well... goodnight, Greg.

Goodnight, Rachel.

Look, why don't you
call me tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

Rachel, I need to
know something.

We've gone out several times now
and I think we're good for each other.

Well, I think so too, Greg.

You do?

Why do I feel you always
backing away from me?

- I don't think I'm...
- Rachel...

I'd like for this relationship
to go somewhere...

but if you're not
ready for that...

well, I'd like for
you to let me now.

That way we don't
waste each other's time.

I am ready for a relationship.

Oh?

Why do you still
wear a wedding ring?

I'll call you tomorrow.

- Sleep tight.
- You too.

Oh, hi, Eddo. Hi, Vonda.

- Hey, Steve. Doesn't Vonda look great?
- Oh, yes. As usual.

I just picked Vonda up.

We're gonna grab a bite,
then it's back to Vonda's.

Her parents aren't home.

Hey, here's a thought.
Let's get the food to go.

Vonda, did you tell
Eddo the good news?

What good news? The
good news ain't happened yet.

Uh, Eddie, Steve
and I had a nice talk...

and he helped me realize that I
don't have to be easy to be popular.

You don't?

No, I don't.

So from now on, I'm not even
gonna kiss on the first date.

Thanks to Steve, I have
respect for myself now.

That's great.

Excuse us.

Eddo? Is there a problem, Eddo?

What's the matter?
Eddo. Ooh, ooh.

Eddo, choking. Pain.

Hi, everybody.

Sweetie, I got my commendation
for catching the mugger.

Oh, Carl, that's great.

But would you believe
Lieutenant Murtagh is jealous.

- What?
- He says he won't rest...

until he gets a
commendation too.

Winslow.

Hurry up, will you? The clock
is ticking on this 18 hour girdle.

After you, babe.

Don't even think about it.