Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 8 - Cousin Urkel - full transcript

After Urkel causes a late night ruckus with his late-night serenade of Laura (thanks to Eddie's encouragement), he is sent to Mississippi to live. Just as the Winslows are commenting how peaceful everything has been the last few days without Urkel, his cousin - southern belle Myrtle Urkel (Jaleel White in a dual role) - shows up. Myrtle falls in love with Eddie on first sight, and Laura is more than willing to help her ensure her dreams will come true.

"So the very merry
canary found his feathers...

and was never cold again."

"Once upon a time..."

Uh, Richie, honey, we've
read this story 11 times tonight.

Let's go for an even dozen.

No, it's bedtime. Now say
good night to Uncle Carl.

Good night, sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Night-night, Uncle Carl.
Red five on the black six.

Red five on the black six.

Hi, big guy. What you doing?

Playing solitaire.
As in by myself, solo.



So long.

You're on your own.
You won't even notice me.

You can call me
the invisible man.

In fact, you can't call me
at all because I'm not here.

Ooh. Red 10 on the black jack.

I wish I had a blackjack.

Hey, how about an
action-packed game of Cribbage?

- I'll spot you 100 points.
- Nope.

- Canasta, Pinochle, Hearts.
- No, no, no.

- Old Maid, Crazy Eights, Go Fish?
- Go home.

Gin Rummy?

Okay, one hand.

But when I win, you go home.

Deal. Get it, deal?



Ooh.

Ooh.

Gin.

It was just a little
practical joke.

Well, it wasn't funny.

How would you like it if I put
Jheri Curl in your deodorant?

Well, look on the
bright side, Eddie.

Now you're odor-free and
your armpits have bounce.

Stay on your toes, Laura,
because I'm gunning for you.

I'm gonna buy some boots
so I can shake in them.

Ooh, Laura in boots. Oh.

He's all yours.

Well, he's all yours, Eddie.

Face it, you're stuck.

Educate me, Eddo. Why
can't I win Laura's heart?

She's just playing hard to get.

She's awfully good at it.

She makes it seem so real.

Steve. Ha-ha-ha.

Laura's my sister and I
only want what's best for her.

And I'm gonna do
everything in my power...

to get you two
crazy kids together.

- Picture this.
- I'm picturing.

- Night.
- Night.

- Laura.
- Laura.

- Asleep in bed.
- Ooh.

Laura's awakened by the sweet
sounds of an Urkel serenade.

Ooh, she'll be
putty in my hands.

She'll never forget it.

Edster, buddy, how
can I ever thank you?

Believe me, Steve.

The expression on Laura's
face is all the thanks I need.

Feelings Nothing
more than feelings

Trying to forget
my Feelings of love

Teardrops Steve.

Falling down on my face

Steve, get out of my tree.

Trying to forget my Shh, quiet.

Feelings of love

Feelings, whoa, feelings Whoa...

Oh, whoa. Aah. Aah!

Steve, are you okay?

Yeah, the Cooper's
Doberman broke my fall.

Ooh, back, Damien, back.

- Laura, what is going on in here?
- Ha-ha-ha.

Uh, I guess Steve was practicing
his accordion. He woke me up too.

That boy is Looney Tunes.

Well, if he does it again...

I'm gonna grab his
bellows and make a wish.

So, Laura, did you
enjoy your serenade?

- You set me up.
- Yeah.

Laura is the face Oh.

In the misty light

Footsteps that you
hear down the hall

The laugh that floats

Hey, guys, is it just me...

or does anybody else have this
indescribable feeling of happiness?

Indescribable feeling of happiness.
- Mm.

Could it be the
sheer euphoria...

of knowing that Steve Urkel
is hundreds of miles away?

Hundreds of miles away. - Mm.

Seven hundred eighty-three
point six miles, to be exact.

Well, where is he? He was
gonna take me on a slug hunt.

Oh. Tsk.

Oh, honey, see, ahem, Steve
played his accordion real late at night...

and, well, some of the neighbors got
cranky and threw bricks at his house.

So his parents decided that
maybe he should go away...

and visit his
relatives for a while.

They dumped him?

You got it.

But isn't it nice knowing
that for the next two weeks...

when that door opens, Steve
Urkel will not be on the other side?

Mm. CARL: Ha-ha-ha.

Hello, y'all.

I'm Steve's cousin,
Myrtle Urkel.

Cousin Steve told me all
about the wonderful Winslows.

How you've made this a
home away from home.

And now for little old me, coming
all the way from big old Biloxi...

this'll be my home away
from home away from home.

Cat got your tongues?

I know it's got mine.

Nice to meet you, Myrtle.
- Ahem.

There seems to be a slight family
resemblance between you and Steve.

Really? I never noticed.

You gonna finish that
pork chop, big fella?

So, Myrtle, how long
are you gonna be around?

Oh, just two weeks.

My parents would only take Steve if
Steve's parents promised to take me.

Sort of an Urkel
exchange program?

Exactly, honey.

Sorry I'm late.

Ooh, holy chitlins.

Uh...

Eddie, this is Steve
Urkel's cousin, Myrtle Urkel.

Myrtle, this is our son, Edward.

Well, hello there.

Ooh, Eddie. That name
rolls off my tongue like honey.

Huh?

Ooh, you are as articulate
as you are handsome.

I'm ever so pleased to meet you.

Ooh, sparks.

Why, my pulse is racing,
my heart is pounding...

and my lips are on fire.

Ooh, how do you
feel about me, sugar?

Oh, Rachel, that lipstick
is all wrong for you.

It's definitely a glamour don't.

Myrtle, I've been wearing
this shade for five years.

Five lonely years,
I would imagine.

Well, hello, ladies.
Ha, ha. Having fun?

We're happier than pigs in slop.

Please join us, Carl. Please.

Oh, no, no, no.

I, uh, wouldn't want to interrupt
all of this female bonding.

- That's okay.
- No.

I'm gonna take in a movie.
You two stay here with Myrtle.

Heh, heh. Have fun.

He is the most charming man.

Maybe you should take
him back to Biloxi with you.

Now don't you
be getting jealous.

There's only one Winslow
man that butters my biscuits.

That divinely handsome Eddie.

Oh, when that boy sees my new hairdo,
why, he's just gonna fall at my feet.

And if that doesn't work...

I got a few more tricks
up my puffy sleeve.

Uh, Myrtle, you know,
you're a sweet girl...

but have you ever thought
that, well, maybe Eddie, uh...

Well, maybe you're
not Eddie's type?

Fiddle-dee-dee.

No boy can resist Myrtle
Urkel, the belle of Biloxi.

Why, I'm going to take that
boy like Grant took Richmond.

Oh, Edward
dumpling, I'm in curlers.

You should've knocked.

I live here.

Harriette, I think Myrtle would
like to be alone with her dumpling.

- Yeah, come on.
- But, Mom, I have homework.

Oh, I'll do it for you.

Mm.

Ooh.

- Ooh, my, you look scrumptious.
- Mm-hm.

Ooh.

Why, you big strong...
handsome Yankee.

Why, I declare, just standing
next to you makes me feel faint.

Myrtle, are you okay?

I guess I'm just
too hot to handle.

Myrtle, can I give
you a little advice?

You know, belle to belle?

I'd be honored.

I really like you.

And I think that deep down,
Eddie really likes you too.

I knew it. I absolutely knew it.

But he's real shy. You
gotta be more aggressive.

But what more can I do?

I've absolutely emptied
my ammo clip of seduction.

Well, Eddie once told me
about this dream he had.

Ooh, spill it to me, sister.

An incredibly beautiful woman...

steals into his room in
the middle of the night...

and awakens him with a kiss.

I'll do it tonight.

I shall steal into
my beloved's room.

I can't wait to see the
expression on that boy's face.

Me neither.

Unh! Oh!

Myrtle. What are you doing?

I'm your dream come true.

Aah, you're a
nightmare. Now go home.

Has my Southern
sensuosity frightened you?

Stop that.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- What's going on in here?

Unfortunately, not much.

Keep her away
from me. She's crazy.

Crazy about you, you
big hunk of hominy.

But to continue
chasing after you...

would be humiliating
and unworthy of an Urkel.

I, sir, am a lady.

A grappling hook?

Oh, shoot, I broke a nail.

Did you enjoy your
kiss, dumpling?

You set me up.

Little old me? Why,
whatever do you mean?

Hold it, you two.

Laura, did you encourage
Myrtle to come up here?

Well, yes. But only to get even.

Eddie told Steve to serenade me.

I don't care what Edward did.
Your behavior is inexcusable.

Yeah.

- You started all of this?
- Yeah.

Now look, you two.

It's bad enough you're playing
mean tricks on each other.

Now you're bringing
Steve and Myrtle into this.

Right. You used them
and hurt their feelings.

Now tomorrow when
Steve gets back here...

I want you to apologize
to him and Myrtle.

Understood?

- Yes, Mom.
- Yes.

I'm ashamed of you two.

- That hurts.
- Yep.

But at least we're not grounded.

By the way, you
two are grounded.

I'm really sorry, Myrtle. I never
meant to hurt your feelings.

I see.

Uh, and Steve, I'm sorry too.

Mm-hm.

So you think you
guys could forgive us?

Cousin Steve and I need to
chew on that one for a spell.

Chew away. We'll
be in the living room.

Well, what do you think?

Well, what do you think?

It's obvious that Eddie
and Laura used us.

And abused us.

You know what that
means, don't you?

I most certainly do.

They love us.

Eddie, do you realize there
are two Urkels in the kitchen?

Yeah, but at least
mine's going home soon.

Thank you.

- Laura?
- Eddie?

- We talked it over...
- And we decided that...

We forgive you.

And there's more good
news. Tell them, Myrtle.

Well, I'm trying to talk Big
Daddy into selling Urkel Oaks...

so we can move up here.

Then we'll all be together.

Forever.