Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Crash Course - full transcript

Harriette.

Harriette, you're supposed to paint
with the grain. Everybody knows that.

Oh.

You mean like this?

No. Actually, I
meant more like this.

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH YELLING]

Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

I am ashamed of you two.



Instead of fighting, you
should be cooperating.

Show a little team
work, for goodness' sake.

[GASPS]

Oh, real mature.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

- En garde! Come on.
- Aah!

Watch it. Watch it. Watch it.

Hey, hey. Okay, okay.

Truce. Truce. Heh.
I'm outnumbered here.

I don't wanna get any
paint on this uniform.

Hi, guys.

Oh, did I do that?

[ALL YELLING]

Dad, what are you doing?



Oh, just a Winslow tradition.
It's called "breakfast."

No, no, no. See, you were supposed to be
taking me to get my driver's license today.

Oh, yeah.

Any particular rush?

Dad, I've been 16
for 27 hours now.

If I don't get my license
by the end of the day...

I'll get picked up
by the Geek Patrol.

Well, now, we
wouldn't want that.

Besides, I, uh, heh,
sort of promised Jolene

that I'd take her for
a spin this afternoon.

[LAUGHS]

[MOCK LAUGHTER]

A girl enters the picture.

Yeah. So let's hurry up
before she's out of the picture.

Well, son, I think it might be wise
to, uh, take a little test drive first.

Why? You've checked
me out a billion times...

and you said yourself
that I'm a great driver.

Yes, but that was the opinion
of Carl Winslow, Super Dad.

Now I'll pretend to be Joe Blow,
Super Picky DMV Examiner Guy.

- What?
- Sure.

Son, these DMV
types can be real tricky.

I mean, either they try to rattle
you, or they're sticklers for the rules.

Now, you, you've gotta
be rattle- and stickle-proof.

- Really?
- Sure.

Son, I realize how much
you want your license...

and I'm gonna make
sure that you get it.

Thanks, Dad. You're the best.

Hey, I try.

- So, uh, heh, you wanna get dressed now?
- Oh, no can do.

- Why not?
- Because I'm way ahead of you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- How am I doing, Dad?
- Fine, fine, fine.

But I'm not your dad.

Oops. Does Mom know? Ha-ha-ha!

I'm your DMV examiner.

And I just docked you two
points for inappropriate levity.

Yes, sir.

- All right, make the right turn here.
- Right turn. I'm on it.

Hitting the blinker.

Gently applying the brake.

Hanging the Ralph.

And, yes, the kid does it.

[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]

Very good, very good.

[LAUGHS]

Watch out for that bread truck!

[TIRES SCREECH]

What bread truck? I
didn't see a bread truck.

There could've been a bread
truck. If there had been...

you would've hit the bread
truck. Your turn was wide.

I'm deducting five points.

- I'm down seven points already?
- Yep.

Man, you're tough.

Hey, I didn't get this
job by being pretty.

Anyway, you lose two more points,
it's back to your bicycle for you.

All right. Come on,
come on, come on.

All right, mirror check.

Eyes on the road.

Watch your blind spot.

- What's your speed?
- Um...

Eyes on the road.

Okay, now pull over.

Ah, 12 inches from the curb. Watch
the fire hydrant. Okay, stop, stop, stop.

I'm proud of you,
son. You hung tough.

I think you're ready
for the real test now.

Thanks. But just one thing, Dad.

- What's that?
- Could you drive us there?

And there he is, Eddie
Andretti. Did you pass the test?

Maybe that's none
of your business.

Oh, you flunked, huh?

Bigtime. Didn't Dad tell you?

No. He just came home all
upset, but he didn't say why.

- We had a fight at the DMV.
- Because you flunked?

Because he made me flunk.
Laura, Dad got me so nervous...

that, all through the test, I kept
seeing runaway bread trucks.

- Didn't the examiner try to calm you down?
- Nope.

He made me let him out,
and he took the bus back.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi, Eddie.

Jolene. Hi.

So...?

So...?

Oh. Oh, the test. Right. Heh.

Well, did you pass?
Did you get your license?

Did I get my license? Ha, ha!

Did I get my license?

Laura, she wants to
know if I got my license.

[LAUGHS]

Did you get your license?

What do you think?

Oh, you did it.

Congratulations, Binky Bear.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

Thanks, Winky Bear.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

Let's go for our
first ride together.

- Right now?
- Yeah, now, now.

- Sorry, gotta rain-check that one, babe.
- Why?

Uh, because I want everything
to be perfect for our first ride.

Uh, heh, I gotta get
some new clothes.

I gotta wash the car. I
gotta go to the dentist.

Eddie, you're stalling.
Take me for a ride.

Hop in.

Eddie, are you nuts?
Dad's gonna kill you.

Not if he doesn't find out.

And he won't find out, will he?

Not from me, Binky Bear.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Laura. Laura, please?

Please, my little Rapunzel?

For the last time, Steve, I will
not give you a lock of my hair.

I'll settle for a
toe-nail clipping.

- How can you be so disgusting?
- It's a gift.

I'm going to my bedroom.

Hmm.

Don't even think about it.

I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do
for you while I'm down here waiting?

Let me know when
Eddie gets back.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

He's back.

- Eddie, are you okay?
- I think so.

- How about you Jolene?
- Uh, yeah, I'm fine.

Nice move, Binky Bear.

All right. Now, how in
Sam Hill did this happen?

- I freaked.
- I'll say.

We're about to pull in the driveway,
and we get passed by a bread truck.

Next thing I know, we're
side-swiping a coffee table.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, will you look at the time?

Oh. Laura

Dad is gonna kill me
when he sees this.

I'm dead meat.

Now, relax, Eddie. You had an
accident. Carl will understand.

Right. Dad will understand.

[CARL SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING]

What...? Who...?

What...? What...? Who...?

Carl, Carl, Carl. Calm down.

Harriette, there is a
car in the living room.

Yeah. Look, I know. I...

Harriette, there is a
car in the living room.

- Carl, don't overreact.
- Overreact?

Harriette, there is a
car in the living room!

Well, at least we
know where it is.

- Edward.
- Yes, Dad?

Edward. Go to your room.

Go to your room. Lock
the doors and the windows.

- He's not gonna try to get out.
- That's so I can't get in!

Carl, Carl, Carl!

Carl, you have every right
to be as mad as a rabid dog.

But you're spraying your
slobber on the wrong guy.

Eddie didn't total
your house, I did.

You?

You?

Him?

Carl! Carl!

Why?

I don't know, Carl.
I guess I'm just bad.

Bad to the bone.

- What?
- You know my kind, Carl.

We live for speed, kicks.

Thrills and spills.

"Danger" is my middle name.

Oh, well, actually, it's "Quincy,"
but you guys get the picture.

Come again?

Thanks. I didn't think
you'd invite me after this.

Steve. Steve.

I think, for your
sake, you... You...

You better go home now. Quickly.

Yes, sir.

And, Steve, I will be
calling your father on this.

Okay. But I have to warn you, my
dad's latest hobby is pantomime.

So if no one answers, it's him.

Get out!

- Steve, wait.
- Yeah, Eddo?

Why did you take the rap?

Well, a quick appraisal
of the situation...

led me to believe that Carl was
about to become a human Krakatoa.

So I decided to be
the sacrificial Urkel.

But Dad's gonna call your
parents. Won't they punish you?

Yeah. They might ground me.
They may even cut off my allowance.

Ooh. They may even
cancel my bagpipe recital.

But I can handle it.

But still, why are you
sticking your neck out for me?

Because we're buddies, Eddie, and
buddies help each other out, right?

Yeah, but...

Hey, you'd do the same
for me, wouldn't you?

- Yeah, sure.
- I thought so.

Farewell, my wee bonny lass.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY
AND BOTH GIGGLING]

I need more juice.
You want some, Richie?

- Thanks. Fill her up.
- Okay.

[GIGGLES]

[GIGGLES]

Eddie, you have
done some low things...

but letting Steve take the
blame is a new high low.

Look, I'll figure out a way to pay
his parents back for all the damages.

Relax. Everything's cool.

Hi, guys.

- Steve, what's with the uniform?
- It's my punishment.

Weren't your old clothes
punishment enough?

No, sweetness. My parents have
decided to send me off to military school.

You're kidding.

'Tis no jest, my fair maiden.

I'm afraid Ma and Pa Urkel
were pushed over the edge...

by this
car-in-the-living-room thing.

Isn't there some way
to change their minds?

I tried. I begged, I
pleaded, I mimed.

But I failed.

- Eddie, you can't let this happen.
- I know, Laura, I know.

[SIGHS]

I'm afraid it's a fait
accompli, mon chéri.

But perhaps four frightening years of
military school can actually be beneficial.

I can pump up the old bod.

Here, Eddie.

- A new mitt?
- Yeah. I bought them a couple years ago...

and hoped that we could
play catch sometime.

Unfortunately, you were never
able to fit it into your busy schedule.

So now I want you to have
them as a little going-away gift.

Thanks, Steve.

Laura.

Well, it's so hard for me
to say goodbye to you.

My heart knows the words,
they just won't pump up to my lips.

I guess I'm just clogged
with emotional cholesterol.

Oh, I... I love you, Laura.

[BLOWING NOSE]

Goodbyes are
murder on the sinuses.

Steve, wait here.

I have a few precious mementos
I'd like you to remember me by.

I'd like you to have my
first pair of baby shoes.

[AIR HISSING]

Dad?

- Yeah?
- You busy?

No. Just blowing up this balloon
for little Richie, for the last half-hour.

Um, do you remember
that hole in the living room?

Oh.

You mean the one the
size of a station wagon?

That's it. Heh-heh.

Uh, Steve didn't put it there.

I did.

Oh?

Steve was covering for me, Dad.

I see. Ahem.

Now, let me get this straight.

You drove the car,
without a valid license...

right through the front door...

and let somebody
else take the rap?

Dad, I was too embarrassed to tell
Jolene that I flunked the driver's test.

I didn't wanna lose her respect.

Instead, I really messed
up, and now I've lost yours.

[SIGHS]

Edward. Edward
James Arthur Winslow.

Son, you haven't
lost my respect.

Messing up is a
part of growing up.

Edward, it's a process
that never ends.

Actually, I think
I messed up too.

How?

Well, I...

I don't think I should've
given you that last-minute test.

I wanted to help, but I
think I shook you up instead.

And I'm sorry.

Well, I guess we can
both learn from this.

Thanks, Dad. Good talk.

Edward.

I'm the father. I
learn from this.

You're the son. You learn
from this, and you get punished.

Okay. What's it gonna be?

Well, you are grounded...

for one month. Plus, you have to
wait two months before you can take...

- your next driver's test again.
- Two months?

That's fair.

And I also want you to tell
Steve's parents what happened.

Then you are to do odd
jobs around the house...

until every cent of the
damages is paid off.

At $4 an hour, it shouldn't take you
more than two or three years, tops.

Dad, doesn't it count that I did
come in and tell you the truth?

Okay, $4.10 an hour.

And last but not least, a jar of
Mom's homemade catfish jam.

Boneless.

Gee, Steve...

your baby shoes, your
grandmother's dentures...

fish jam...

and I didn't get
a thing for you.

Uh, Steve? I
need to talk to you.

Oh, fine.

I'll just go put these
dentures in some water.

Look, Steve, you won't be needing
that uniform. I told my dad the truth.

Wow, thanks, Eddie. I wasn't
looking forward to military school.

You know, I heard they
don't allow nightlights.

Listen, Steve, you put yourself on
the line for me, and I want you to know...

- that I really appreciate that, man.
- Hey, anytime, dude.

Because I'm your buddy, and
buddies stick by each other.

- You know what else buddies do?
- What?

They play catch.

- Let's break that puppy in.
- All right.

All right.

- Think fast.
- Aah!

CARL: What happened?!

Sorry, I broke a lamp, Dad.

- Gee, thanks for covering for me, Eddie.
- We're buddies, right?

[English - US -SDH]