Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 4 - Flashpants - full transcript

- Eddie, have you seen Steve?
- Nope.

He's been driving me nuts.

Every afternoon, he asks
me if he can walk me to work.

What you need
is Urkel repellant.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna fool him
today. I'm leaving an hour early.

Hi, angel lips.

Do you want me
to walk you to work?

It's no trouble at all,
my little babushka.

I give up.

Thanks, Mom.

Hey, look, Richie's
checking out the stock market.



- You got any hot tips, sweetie?
- Toys.

- You want us to buy a toy stock?
- No, just toys.

Oh, heh.

- Harriette.
- Uh-oh.

Oh, great, it's
dance-contest time again.

- My favorite time of year, heh.
- Mine too.

Oh, please, not in
front of the children.

Dad, do we have to
sell tickets this year?

No, sweetheart,
you don't have to.

Yes.

- You get to.
- Oh, Dad.

Dad.

Oh, come on, kids. Perk up.

I mean, after all, the dance
contest is for a good cause.



We raise a lot of money for the
Policeman's Memorial Foundation.

Dad, can I be honest about
going to the dance contest?

- Sure.
- I'd rather do a swan dive on a cactus.

Why?

Well, it's real depressing watching
people your age do the lambada.

Have a nice day?

Well, I took that jacket
down a peg or two.

Why don't you come
upstairs with me?

I got a sweater that's
been giving me trouble.

Harriette, make note.

Charlie Carnelli is not
welcome in this house.

Fine. Who's Charlie Carnelli?

The biggest jerk down at the
precinct. A jackass with a badge.

I thought that was your captain.

Come on.

Sit down, relax, tell
me what happened.

Two weeks ago, this turkey
transfers in from the South Side.

I could tell he was a
goober from the get-go.

And how does this
goober get you?

Everything's a
competition with Charlie.

Who's got the best score
down at the shooting range.

Who gets the most collars.
Who can burp the longest.

I bet you won that one.

Well, of course, but
that's not the point.

Today, Charlie starts
shooting off his mouth...

about how he's gonna
win the dance contest.

He starts telling everybody that
he's the world's greatest dancer.

Now, that kind of bragging
is childish, stupid and petty.

Carl, you are absolutely right.

So I told him we gonna
wipe up the floor with him.

Carl.

Rachel!

Is Rachel here?

No, she's at work, but
I'm sure she heard you.

Well, I'm gonna ask her to come
up with a killer routine just for us.

I thought you said we were
entering this contest for the fun of it.

Yeah, well, fun just went
out the window. This is war.

A fight to the finish.

The Carnellis and the
Winslows are gonna rumba.

Look at that.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

That's right. RACHEL: Whoo!

Go there, big guy.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Whoo! EDWARD: Come on.

Watch yourself.

Yeah, now.

- You guys are great.
- Mom, you can't lose.

Thanks, but let's
hear it for my partner...

- Carl, the Dancer.
- Oh, well...

Thank you. Thank you.

- What happened?
- My back, it just went out...

and pain came in. Ooh, ooh!

Hurt. Ooh, hurt.

- Daddy, are you okay?
- Daddy's fine, sweetheart. He's just fine.

Carl, maybe it'll help if
I rub your back some.

Maybe it will. Go ah...

Maybe it won't.

Carl, is there anything
I can get for you?

My gun.

That's it, I'm calling
Dr. Van Lowe.

- Dad, can you straighten up at all?
- No, no, but that's okay.

I mean, there are plenty of advantages
to being bent over like this, sweetheart.

- Harriette?
- Yes?

I need new shoes.

Well, Carl, that's it
for the dance contest.

What?!

No... Ow! way! Ow!

Here, Dad, sit down.

- Okay.
- Take a load off.

All right. Easy. Easy now.
- Carl.

- Okay. Ooh, ooh!
- Step up here.

- Okay. All right.
- Careful.

- Just give me... Okay, give me...
- Okay?

Oh, thank you, son.

I love you.

If you dance with a wrenched back,
you're gonna injure yourself permanently.

Harriette, I can't drop out
of the dance contest now.

I will not give Carnelli
the satisfaction.

Real smart, Carl. And
then after the contest...

you can just spend the rest of
your life looking like a pretzel.

Carl, Dr. Van Lowe says
he can see you in an hour.

And he said don't worry,
he's got a treatment.

You see, Harriette?

He'll get me back in
shape and I'll be just fine.

Okay, kids, come
on, I need help.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And we gotta hurry.

What's the rush? We don't have
to be at the doctor's for an hour.

That's how long it'll
take me to get to the car.

Come on. Ooh, ow!

Dad, Laura and I
are going to the mall.

We need some money.

How much money do you need?

Twenty bucks should cover it.

My wallet is in my
right front pocket.

Say, Dad...

I can clean you out and there's
really nothing you could do about it.

Yeah, but eventually,
I'd get out of this thing...

and I'd have to hunt you down.

Right, heh, heh.

You kids go and
have a good time.

Want us to hang you out on the
porch so you can get some sun?

Just go.

Finally. Peace.

Anybody home?

Let go of the door!
Let go of the door!

Hey, Carl, you just hanging
around? Heh-heh-heh.

What do you want, Steve?

World peace, but the reason
I'm here is to ease your plight.

Thank you very much, Steve,
but my plight's been eased.

Dr. Van Lowe said I'll be
fine by the dance contest.

He says I have to hang in this
thing for 10 days, four hours a shot.

That's much too much
time to spend by yourself.

- So I'm gonna keep you company.
- What?

Yep, I'm your bus ticket
out of Lonesome Town.

That's very thoughtful, Steve...

I'm gonna be with you every
single second you're in that thing.

Harriette?

Encyclopedia Britannica A.

Anybody?!

You know what, Carl?

The Carnellis are good.

Yeah, I gotta give that
obnoxious jerk credit.

Steve, you like
this kind of music?

Nah, not really.

Maybe there's hope for you yet.

I'm more of a polka kind of guy.

Carl. CARL: Ahem.

Charlie.

My wife, Harriette.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

My wife, Ellen.

My wife's prettier.

In your dreams.

Folks, before we get
to our next contestants...

let's just take a moment to
acknowledge the person...

who sold the most
tickets for tonight's contest.

How about a big hand
for Richie Crawford.

Richie! Yeah! MAN 2: Yeah!

Here it is.

Hey, might not be too long before
that young man is in the contest.

Laura, how did
Richie sell 137 tickets?

Well, I put his arm in a sling and
stood him outside the Piggly Wiggly.

He sold out in
less than an hour.

Laura, you have no shame.

I love that in a woman.

- How's your back?
- Terrific.

Remember, Dr. Van Lowe said
to go easy. Don't go overboard.

Harriette, I'm fine. So,
Gregory Hines, look out.

Okay, it is time for our next contestants.
Now, let's put your hands together...

for Harriette Winslow and
her lovely husband, Carl.

I'm sorry.

Go get them.

Now, look, you two
don't worry about a thing.

You got this puppy locked up.

Say, you're very pretty.

Well, thank you.

Now get off my stage.

- You ready?
- Let's go for it, handsome.

- Woo-hoo!
- Yes.

All right. Let's hear it for that couple.
- Bravo! Encore!

- Weren't they great, huh?
Thank you. STEVE: Bravo!

Bravo! Encore!

- You know, it's a real pleasure...
Thank you. STEVE: Bravo!

Thank you.

It's a real pleasure to see such talent
from the police commissioner's kids, huh?

Oh, they were very good.

Uh-oh! Okay, the results.

Oh, boy, this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

The winning couple of the Eighth
Precinct's Annual Dance Contest is:

Charlie and Ellen Carnelli.
- Yes!

And Carl and Harriette
Winslow. We have a tie.

Whoa!

Okay. I know, I know.

Now, there will be a dance
off to determine the winner.

And the judges have decided
that the dance will be the...

uh-oh, jitterbug.

So let us just give it
up for our finalists, huh?

And you people, just
please take a bow, huh?

Come on.

Carl! RICHIE: Dad!

Dad! RACHEL: Carl!

Come on, honey, wave,
wave to the people.

Carl, did your
back go out again?

Out? It's on vacation.

I'll tell the judges we can't.

No. No.

We gotta beat the Carnellis. We're
just a jitterbug away from victory.

Carl, this competition
thing is driving you crazy.

You're in pain. When
are you gonna give it up?

Never. Carl Winslow
dances to the death.

Attaboy, Carl.

- Ow! Steve... Ow! It hurts!
- Sorry.

Steve, go sit down.
Go sit down. Carl.

Oh, Carl, you got a
little back problem here?

Huh? Oh, no, Charlie, I was,
uh... I was just admiring my shoes.

- Yeah, look, real leather.
- Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're okay.

For a second there, I thought maybe
you were gonna try to chicken out.

- What?
- Heh-heh-heh.

- Charlie?
- Ow, ow, ooh!

Charlie? Charlie, you okay?

Oh, it's my ankle,
it's... Ahem, it's fine.

It's fine. It's a strong
ankle. Real fine.

Okay, folks, it is time
for the dramatic dance off.

Now, dancers, to
the floor, please.

And here they come. Here they come.
- Come on.

The dance of champions.

The champions of the dance.
- Easy, ow, ow!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Okay. Okay.
- Are we ready?

- Give me your other hand.
- Okay, boys, hit it.

- Easy. Easy.
- Honey.

Easy.

- Hey, Ellen. Ellen, what are you doing?
- Charlie, you're hurt. We gotta stop.

Uh, excuse me,
what's going on here?

Well, we can't dance anymore.
My husband sprained his ankle.

Oh, I'm sorry. You lose.

What?

Folks, the winners of
this year's dance contest...

Can I say something please?

Uh...

You know, this competition
thing has gotten way out of hand.

You know, I'm
hurt, Charlie's hurt.

We both wanna win so bad
that we're not having any fun.

- Right, Charlie?
- Right, Carl.

So I think it's only fair
that we declare this a tie.

I think we both deserve to win.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Hey, now, there
is a noble gesture.

Isn't that great, folks? Is
that great? Is that great, huh?

Unfortunately, it's against the rules.
So hey, you both lose by default.

Okay, thank you very much.

And let's hear it for the
winners, the commissioner's kids!

You were wonderful,
absolutely wonderful.

What's your hourly rate?
My peers are having...

And now let's turn the evening over
to our young people and their music.

They are this country's future,
so let's just grin and bear it, huh?

Young people, join me. Come.

"U Can't Touch This."

Can't touch this

Come on, baby.

My, my, my, my
Music hits me so hard

Thank you for blessing me With
a mind to rhyme and two hype feet

- Carl.
- Huh?

- I'm proud of you.
- Really?

Yeah, you had Charlie beat,
they would've given us the trophy.

But instead, you showed
what a good sport you could be.

Well, thanks, babe.

Come on, Mr. Bojangles,
let's go home.

I'm gonna fix you a big banana split
and then hang you up on the door.

You really know
how to treat a guy.

While it's rollin', hold on

Pump a little bit And
let 'em know it's goin' on

Like that, like that Cold
on a mission so fall on back

Let 'em know