Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 3 - Marriage 101 - full transcript

Thanks for letting me
practice on you, Steve.

- I really wanna ace this first-aid class.
- No problemo, Eddo.

I have a lot of personal
experience in first aid.

I got a nosebleed at birth. My
doctor slapped the wrong end.

I'll be right back. I'm
gonna go get the plaster.

No rush. I'm a patient patient.

Carl, big guy!

My buddy with the
badge. My pal on patrol.

How was your day
on the mean streets?

Cops and robbers. Good guys,
bad guys. Heroes and hairballs.

The man who risks his...



Well, what do you think?

- Mom, you look hot.
- Uh-huh.

- Thank you, honey.
- Oh, Harriette...

you are just gonna
sweep Carl right off his feet.

I wanna look perfect. Carl and I
haven't had a romantic dinner date...

since the Carter administration.

Harriette. Harriette. Feast
your ever-loving eyes on these.

- Tickets to Les Mis?
- Better.

- Janet Jackson?
- Even better.

M.C. Hammer?

No. The Blackhawks
and the Penguins.

- Hockey?
- Yeah. I couldn't pass this up.

And look where we're
sitting. Right behind the goalie.

Great. We can
dodge pucks all night.



Yeah.

You're not gonna
wear that, are you?

Of course not. I'll just slip into
something more comfortable.

Like a helmet and
some shin guards.

Gee, thanks, babe. You won't regret
it. You're gonna have a great time.

Especially when they start beating
each other up. Hustle up, babe, okay?

I'm married to the most
wonderful woman in the world.

Wait a minute. Don't
give me a tardy. Hi, Laura.

I pledge allegiance
to the flag...

- of the United States of America...
- Class! Class!

We only do that
when I hold the flag.

- Morning, Miss Steuben.
- Morning, Steven.

Miss Steuben!

Now take your seat, carefully.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, Steve.

All right, class,
today we're going to...

Excuse me, Miss
Steuben. I need a moment.

I'm all set, Miss
Steuben. Teach me.

Thank you.

All right.

Countries, cities,
neighborhoods.

Now, all of these are built upon
smaller social units, like the family.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Yes, yes, yes, Steven?

Actually, Miss Steuben,
current geopolitical constructs...

are more complex than your
simplistic concentric circle model...

would have us believe. As
Spengler would point out...

My point is that the family is
the center for all social interaction.

Ahem. And the foundation
for most families is marriage.

So, oh... for the
next two weeks...

the class will be paired
off into married couples.

Now, you will all have to figure
out how to live on a budget.

You will make decisions
about jobs, homes, children.

And each of you will
grade your partner.

- Yeah?
- Do we get to pick who we wanna marry?

Write down your top three choices,
and I will do my best to pair everyone up.

The names of the happy couples will
be posted on the bulletin board tomorrow.

Steven, you cannot put
the same name three times.

- Hi, everybody. ESTELLE:
Hi. How you doing?

Hi, honey. How's your head?

How do you think it is? I
got hit by a hockey puck.

Sweetheart, that was a great stop.
You deserved that standing ovation.

Oh, Carl, I called Chez Josephine's,
and we're confirmed for 8:00 tonight.

Oh, ha, ha.

Oh, babe, I'm sorry.
I meant to call you.

There's been a
little change in plans.

Now what?

You remember Joe
Hitchborn? Traffic Control?

- Shy guy? Couldn't get a date?
- Yeah.

Well, they switched him to Hooker Patrol,
and he's getting married this weekend.

Oh, my Lord. Just
picture the bridesmaids.

The guys decided to throw
him a little bachelor party tonight.

Mind if I go?

- It's up to you, Carl.
- Gee, thanks, babe.

You are the best.
Ha, ha. Don't wait up.

Harriette.

How could you let
Carl get away with that?

Well, what was I supposed to
do, beg him to take me to dinner?

Honey, Carl is my son, and in
my eyes he can do no wrong.

But he's your husband.

You should've knocked him
into the middle of next week.

I'd like Carl to be more romantic,
but I can't force it out of him.

You know, he used to send
me flowers for no reason at all.

And he'd leave me funny
little notes all around the house.

He'd even call me three or four
times a day just to say he loved me.

Doesn't do those things anymore.

Well, Harriette, doesn't
that make you angry?

No.

Makes me scared.

Laura. Laura. I got him!

For the next two blissful weeks,
I am Mrs. Mark Healy. Yes!

That's great. Who did
I get? Derrick or Jeff?

I was so excited,
I forgot to look.

Spread out! Spread out! Spread
out! Give my wife some air.

- Mommy?
- Yes, sweetie?

I'm glad Uncle Carl is back.

But, Richie, he
didn't go anywhere.

Yes, he did. Aunt Harriette
said that he was in the doghouse.

Laura, I called Rachel's place two
hours ago. Where have you been?

- Just walking.
- Well, sit down.

You almost missed dinner.

Very funny.

What's the matter? Lose your
sense of humor, Mrs. Urkel?

Eddie, is that your face,
or did your neck throw up?

Now, children, no
fighting at the table.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Laura, my little nuptial nymph, I know
you're eager to begin our life together...

but I must have a word with
your father before we proceed.

What is it, Steve?

Well, Carl, call me old fashioned,
but before I marry Laura...

I'd like to have your blessing.

Well, Steve, ha,
ha, I appreciate that.

But, um, I wouldn't stand in your
way if you two are really, really in love.

Dad!

You won't be sorry, sir.

I can assure you that we Urkels are
a fine old family with a proud name.

You know that, in Kenya, "urkel" means a
benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest?

Are you ready for dessert,
my little crêpe suzette?

Steve, I'm full. You cooked
seven meals for me today.

It would've been eight, but I
didn't like the smell of that sushi.

I finished all the housework.

You know, deep in
the back of your fridge...

I found a fascinating mold specimen
thriving on an ancient cheese wheel.

Go home.

Not yet.

- This is our last night of wedded bliss.
- Yeah.

I've been blowing up balloons.

What are you doing?

Setting the mood, my darling.

For two wonderful weeks, you and I
have pretended to be man and wife.

And now, on this,
our last night...

we can make each
other's dreams come true...

with a kiss.

Steve, did you eat
that moldy cheese?

Don't hold back.
Let yourself go.

Do what you feel.

Ooh, I felt the earth move.

Steve, we're supposed to grade
each other on this assignment...

and right now, you're staring
down the barrel of an F.

One kiss. A peck on the cheek.

A momentary osculation.

Forget it. I have a headache.

I thought you might say
that, so I came prepared.

Aspirin, baby?

Steve, I want a divorce.
Go home to your mother.

My manly ardor
has frightened you.

That's okay. It
won't happen again.

I'm prepared to wait
forever, if need be.

In the meantime, I hope
you'll accept this small gift...

as a little memento of our
two glorious weeks together.

Steve, this is really beautiful.

One-third-karat diamond with
one-tenth the sparkle of your lovely eyes.

This is real? Where did
you get the money for this?

From my Stay Away fund.

Every year, all my relatives send me
money and hope that I won't visit them.

Steve, I can't accept
this. It's too expensive.

But, my little baguette,
it was a mere $800.

Eight hundred dollars?

Are you out of your mind?
This is a school assignment.

It's pretend. We're not
married. We're not engaged.

We're not even dating.
And we never will be.

But I thought you'd like...

What I'd like is for
you to leave me alone.

Laura, I know I'm not worthy of
you, but I just can't help loving you.

It's like wanting
to touch a star.

You know you'll never reach it,
but you've just gotta keep trying.

Steve, why do you
always say things like that?

These last two weeks
have been wonderful for me.

It's the closest I'll ever
get to marrying you.

That's why I wanted
you to have this.

No strings attached.
Just the one to my heart.

- Busy, Mom?
- No.

Just pruning your father.

Fern.

Something on your mind?

Yeah, Steve.

Ooh, he did a good job on my
oven. Tell him we're out of Easy-Off.

Can't.

He just went home.

Mom, I think I hurt
Steve's feelings.

What happened?

He's smothering me. He
sent me a roomful of roses.

He calls me every hour. He
waits on me hand and foot.

A person can only
take so much devotion.

You don't know
how lucky you are.

Steve may not be the
man of your dreams...

but it's a wonderful thing when
somebody loves you that much.

Mom, he sent me
an eight-foot giraffe.

It's not funny.

Sorry, honey.

But you've got to
admit one thing:

Steve sure never
takes you for granted.

I wish he would.
I'm all Urkeled out.

Well, Steve is a pest,
no question about that.

But he adores you,
Laura, and he shows it.

You know, being romantic is a
good quality for a husband to have.

Mark Healy is selfish,
conceited and inconsiderate.

He cheated on me.

With an older woman.

I caught him at the
movies with a ninth-grader.

So I divorced him.

Mark, I give you an F-minus.

What?

Well, we've learned that
not everyone is compatible.

But I am glad to see that Maxine and Mark
have resolved their differences maturely.

Jerk.

Dweeb.

All right, let's move
on to our last couple.

Oh, Steven.

You may begin.

Obviously, Laura
was the perfect wife...

brilliant mother,
helpmate and manager.

I'll always be proud that
she was the first Mrs. Urkel.

She's an A all the way.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Laura, your grade for Steven.

Well...

Steve is incredibly
annoying, and a pest...

and, well, you just wanna
slap him all the time.

But he's also...
hardworking and caring.

He really tried to
make me happy.

He was a good husband,
and I gave him an A-plus.

Snookums.

You do love me.

What have I done?

Hi, hon.

Do I know you?

Okay.

I deserve that.

Harriette, last night...

well, I overheard
you talking to Laura.

And what you said to her...

well, it made me realize that
I've been acting like a jerk.

An idiot, a fool, an ignoramus.

Stop me whenever
you like, Harriette.

Oh, no, you're doing fine.

Harriette, you are the most
important person in the world to me.

And you always will be.

I thank God every
day that we're together.

But now it's time I
start thanking you.

So, Harriette, I want you to
put on that beautiful new dress...

because we have an 8:00
reservation at Chez Josephine's.

And, sweetheart,
when you walk in there...

I'd like you to wear this.

Oh, Carl.

It's just a little "I
love you" present.

Oh, Carl.

- Thank you. It's beautiful.
- Ha, ha.

But, sweetheart, not
as beautiful as you.

Ooh, sparkle city.

I know I shouldn't
ask, but how much?

Well, I got a good deal.

I bought it off of Urkel.

He tried to bargain with me, but
the poor kid was overmatched.

He caved in at 1000.

Ooh, Carl, that's way too much.

Yeah, but he threw in
a little something extra.

Worth every penny.