Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 23 - Skip to My Lieu - full transcript
Carl is hoping to get a promotion, but it may ride on Lt. Murtaugh's influence - and his ability to get the smart-mouthed lieutenant a date with a less-than-willing Rachel, who is already fed up with his borderline sexual harassment.
- Hello.
- Goodbye.
Wait, my little speed demonette.
Where's the fire? Excluding, of
course, the blaze burning in my heart.
Steve, I'm meeting Maxine at the mall,
so I don't have time to reject you, okay?
Well, actually, I'm
here to see Eddo.
Shoot, I just wasted a
perfectly good excuse.
Hey, Eddo.
Oh.
She loves me. She loves me.
She loves me. Ooh, she loves me.
She loves me. She loves me.
Ooh, I really lucked out.
- Oh, hello.
- Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you go, I have
a big favor to ask of you.
Steve, for the last time, you
can't be seen in public with me.
Now, there's irony.
Less than an hour ago, my
father told me the same thing.
Anywho, you once mentioned you got a
primo deal on an ID bracelet for Jolene.
Yeah, I know a guy who
gave me a real good price.
Well, could you send him my way?
I wanna get an ID bracelet for Laura.
Why?
Well, because we've
reached the jewelry stage.
Well, that is true, she has had a
ring in your nose for a long time.
[LAUGHS]
Hardy-har-har.
For your information,
Laura has warmed up to me.
Whatever you say,
Steve. See you.
Step one, ID bracelet.
Step two, proposal.
Step three, wedding.
Step four, wedding night.
[SIGHS]
[CHEERING ON TV]
- Yes. MAN [ON TV]:
Jordan has the ball.
- Yes. MAN: He shoots.
- Yes. MAN: He scores.
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Harriette, doorbell.
Thanks for telling me, Carl. Now
make sure you tell me who it is.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
All right, I'm coming.
Hold your horses.
Would you knock it off?
As... What the hell...
Lo, Lieutenant Murtagh.
Winslow. Mind if I come in?
Not at all, sir.
Have a seat.
- What are you watching?
- The NBA playoffs, sir.
- Ah. MAN [ON TV]:
What a scorcher.
The Bulls are down
by one, 4 seconds left.
Jordan has the
ball. He shoots, it's...
[TV TURNS OFF]
[SCREAMS]
I hate basketball.
[GRUNTS]
Let's pretend we
like it, sir. Ha-ha-ha.
MAN [ON TV]: Unbelievable.
In 40 years of broadcasting,
I've never seen a shot like that.
Michael Jordan took
his own rebound and...
Well, you saw it.
What can I do for you, sir?
[TV TURNS OFF]
I'm here to talk
about our futures.
Winslow, have you heard
any departmental scuttlebutt...
regarding promotions?
Yeah, I overheard a rumor that
you're gonna be promoted to captain.
Good. I started that rumor.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I figured, sir.
That's why I
started the rumor...
that you were gonna promote
me to lieutenant, ha-ha-ha.
- Can that, Winslow.
- Ahem.
Nobody likes a gossip.
Carl, did you see that
Michael Jordan shot?
No, I missed it. Rachel, you
remember Lieutenant Murtagh?
Of course. Hello, lieutenant.
Hello.
Hello.
Well, if you two
will excuse me...
I have just earned the right
to pig out on some ice cream.
[CHUCKLES]
Rachel is remarkably pretty.
Oh, no.
- You don't agree?
- Oh, no, no, I do, sir.
It's just that, uh...
Well, I... Uh... Oh, no.
[LAUGHING]
What is so funny?
Oh! Oh, nothing.
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
What is it, Carl?
I'm sorry, y'all, but I was just
thinking about Lieutenant Murtagh.
That guy cracks me up. Ha-ha-ha.
- He does?
- Yes.
He just told me that he likes
Rachel and wants to date her.
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
No, no, no.
Ha, ha. But what's really
funny is that he's serious.
[CARL LAUGHING LOUDLY]
[COUGHS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
Rachel, let me be
honest here, okay?
Lieutenant Murtagh is my boss.
And, well, there may be a
promotion in it for me soon.
So I'd really appreciate it if
you go out with him just once.
- I don't know.
- Go ahead, hon, give it a shot.
You'll get a chance to get out of
the house and go to a nice restaurant.
Yeah, you might even
meet a cute waiter.
Okay, I'll go out with him,
but just as a favor to you.
And let me get one
thing straight here.
It is not because I'm
hard-up for a date.
CARL: Oh, yeah, sure. I understand.
- Oh, I know that, yeah.
[HUMMING]
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
Huh.
Did I do that?
- Steve.
- Aah!
Eddo. Oh, no. Waldo.
Well, you wanted to know who
sold me Jolene's ID bracelet.
Waldo's the guy, and he
can give you a great deal.
- Have you heard my motto?
- No.
Dang, I was hoping
you'd remember it.
Well, uh, I gotta split.
Where are we going, Eddie?
No, Waldo, you're staying here.
Steve wants to buy
something from you.
Oh.
Cool.
Waldo, watch me
carefully as I leave...
so that you can
find your way out.
Oh, cool.
- Okay, Waldo, where's the merchandise?
- My what?
- Your inventory.
- My huh?
Your ID bracelets.
Oh, why didn't you say
so? They're right here.
Those are watches.
Oh, sorry, wrong floor.
[CHUCKLES]
See anything you like?
- How much is that one?
- Forty bucks.
- I'll give you 30.
- Twenty-five.
- Twenty.
- Fifteen, and that's as high as I'm going.
Sold.
Sucker.
MAN [ON TV]: The
five categories are...
Wait a minute. Where's Richie?
- Ahh! Oh, my gosh.
- What's wrong?
Richie and I were playing
hide-and-seek. He hid, and I got bored.
- How long ago was that?
- About an hour.
Well, it's about time.
Found you. You're it.
I'm gonna let her
sweat for a few hours.
ESTELLE: Oh, Rachel,
honey, you look gorgeous.
- Rachel, you look
sensational. ESTELLE: Mm-hm.
I do?
[SIGHS]
- I'll go change.
- Why?
Well, I don't wanna look
too good for this date.
I mean, the last thing I want is for
Lieutenant Murtagh to start thinking...
Thoughts. Brr.
Honey, look on the bright side.
You're going out with a man
who can walk, talk and has a job.
I'd settle for two out of three.
Yeah, Rach, perk up. I
mean, how bad could it be?
MURTAGH [OVER
LOUDSPEAKER]: Rachel.
I know you're in there.
Come out with your
dancing shoes on.
Have a good time.
You look beautiful, babe.
- Carl.
- Huh?
If I were you, I wouldn't
be here when I get back.
Well, lieutenant, thanks
for a unique evening...
but that headache that I got when
you picked me up is really pounding now.
MURTAGH: That's too bad.
I don't get headaches.
Must be the steel plate.
Um...
- Lieutenant, I...
- Come on, babe.
First names here, huh?
Call me Lieu.
L-I-E-U.
Gosh, my head hurts.
Oh, you...
I, uh, think I hear somebody
trying to steal your car.
[CHUCKLES]
No way. We'd hear the explosion.
Oh.
So did you, uh,
enjoy yourself tonight?
- Can I be honest with you?
- Certainly.
- I didn't have a very good time.
- Oh. Of course you did.
No, I didn't.
Now, take dinner, for instance.
Not only did you insist
on ordering it for me...
but then you cut my steak up in
tiny pieces and you tried to feed me.
[SIGHS]
I'm surprised you
didn't burp me.
Is that an invitation, baby?
Steve, you can go
now. I'm home safe.
Well, perhaps I should
escort you up to your room.
After all, most accidents
do occur in the home.
If you don't leave right now...
there's gonna be a really
big accident right here.
I see. Well, I cannot bid
you adieu just yet, my pet.
Not until you feast
your fabulous eyes on...
[GRUNTING]
On this.
- A present?
- A bauble for a bodacious babe.
An ID bracelet?
"To Laura.
All my glove"?
"Sleeve"?
I bought it from Waldo.
It's a miracle the
spelling is as good as it is.
Well, thank you, Steve,
but I can't keep this.
Well, why not, Pudding Pop?
Because we're not going steady.
But we should. Our
relationship is progressing nicely.
Remember, just last
week, you blew me a kiss.
Steve, I was
spitting out my gum.
Oh.
Come here, Steve. Come here.
You know, this is my fault.
When we first met, I
used to tell you every day...
that there would never
be anything between us.
But lately, I've gotten lazy.
You know, it's been a month
since I told you to stop bugging me.
From now on, I will tell
you every single day...
that our relationship will
never, ever, ever go anywhere.
Okay. But in the meantime, why
don't you just wear the bracelet?
Go home.
Well, I'm tempted to leave.
["STRANGERS IN THE
NIGHT" PLAYING ON STEREO]
You know, that
dress looks stunning.
It makes me think thoughts.
Uh, lieutenant, you
know, I've tried to be nice.
I've tried to be tactful.
But now it appears I'm
going to have to be blunt.
You repulse me.
So you wanna slow
dance and neck a little?
Go home.
They tell me that
you're leaving.
I can't believe it's true.
Because, girl, there's
just no living without you.
[SINGING] Don't take
your love Away from me
Don't you leave
my heart in misery
'Cause if you do
then I'll be blue
'Cause breaking up is hard to do
They say that breaking up
Is hard to do
[SINGING] Now I
know I know that it's true
BOTH [SINGING]: Don't
say that this is the end
Instead of breaking up
I wish that we were
making up again
I beg of you
Don't say goodbye
BOTH: Can't we give
our love just one more try?
Come on, baby, let's start anew
'Cause breaking up is hard to do
[BOTH SIGH]
You don't live here.
Well, neither do you.
- Then what the hell are we doing here?
- Well, certainly not harmony.
I need a drink.
Me too, and I
know just the place.
[BOTH SIGH]
Another round, Lieu?
Set them up, kid.
Here I am again, drowning
my sorrows in root-beer floats.
Yeah, well, my
sorrows don't drown.
They just dog-paddle
around in my heart.
You know something, kid?
Women mystify me.
Yeah, when God created women...
he should have supplied
a set of instructions.
I really tried to
impress Rachel tonight.
But she threw a hissy fit
just because I ordered for her.
I always thought women go for...
a "take charge, tell them
what they want" kind of guy.
Yeah, well I'm more of a
"put them on a pedestal...
you're lucky if they
speak to you" kind of guy.
Well, my approach doesn't
work and yours is pathetic.
Maybe we should
just give up women.
No, Lieu.
No matter how frustrating
they are, we need them.
Yeah, you're right, kid.
We need women to
crank out more men.
Gee, Lieu, I can't imagine
why Rachel didn't flip for you.
Go figure.
You know, Lieuwy...
I have loved Laura Winslow
ever since I first laid eyes on her.
So far, she hasn't
returned my love.
But the hope of winning
her is what keeps me going.
That hope is enough to get
me out of bed every morning...
into my Scooby-Doo slippers.
I hear you, kid.
I've only had one date with Rachel,
but that girl has really gotten to me.
She's copped this cop's heart.
So we can't give up, Lieu.
We must pursue our lady loves.
You're right, kid. A toast.
To the women we love.
And to the day when they
can stand the sight of us!
[English - US -SDH]
- Goodbye.
Wait, my little speed demonette.
Where's the fire? Excluding, of
course, the blaze burning in my heart.
Steve, I'm meeting Maxine at the mall,
so I don't have time to reject you, okay?
Well, actually, I'm
here to see Eddo.
Shoot, I just wasted a
perfectly good excuse.
Hey, Eddo.
Oh.
She loves me. She loves me.
She loves me. Ooh, she loves me.
She loves me. She loves me.
Ooh, I really lucked out.
- Oh, hello.
- Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you go, I have
a big favor to ask of you.
Steve, for the last time, you
can't be seen in public with me.
Now, there's irony.
Less than an hour ago, my
father told me the same thing.
Anywho, you once mentioned you got a
primo deal on an ID bracelet for Jolene.
Yeah, I know a guy who
gave me a real good price.
Well, could you send him my way?
I wanna get an ID bracelet for Laura.
Why?
Well, because we've
reached the jewelry stage.
Well, that is true, she has had a
ring in your nose for a long time.
[LAUGHS]
Hardy-har-har.
For your information,
Laura has warmed up to me.
Whatever you say,
Steve. See you.
Step one, ID bracelet.
Step two, proposal.
Step three, wedding.
Step four, wedding night.
[SIGHS]
[CHEERING ON TV]
- Yes. MAN [ON TV]:
Jordan has the ball.
- Yes. MAN: He shoots.
- Yes. MAN: He scores.
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Harriette, doorbell.
Thanks for telling me, Carl. Now
make sure you tell me who it is.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
All right, I'm coming.
Hold your horses.
Would you knock it off?
As... What the hell...
Lo, Lieutenant Murtagh.
Winslow. Mind if I come in?
Not at all, sir.
Have a seat.
- What are you watching?
- The NBA playoffs, sir.
- Ah. MAN [ON TV]:
What a scorcher.
The Bulls are down
by one, 4 seconds left.
Jordan has the
ball. He shoots, it's...
[TV TURNS OFF]
[SCREAMS]
I hate basketball.
[GRUNTS]
Let's pretend we
like it, sir. Ha-ha-ha.
MAN [ON TV]: Unbelievable.
In 40 years of broadcasting,
I've never seen a shot like that.
Michael Jordan took
his own rebound and...
Well, you saw it.
What can I do for you, sir?
[TV TURNS OFF]
I'm here to talk
about our futures.
Winslow, have you heard
any departmental scuttlebutt...
regarding promotions?
Yeah, I overheard a rumor that
you're gonna be promoted to captain.
Good. I started that rumor.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I figured, sir.
That's why I
started the rumor...
that you were gonna promote
me to lieutenant, ha-ha-ha.
- Can that, Winslow.
- Ahem.
Nobody likes a gossip.
Carl, did you see that
Michael Jordan shot?
No, I missed it. Rachel, you
remember Lieutenant Murtagh?
Of course. Hello, lieutenant.
Hello.
Hello.
Well, if you two
will excuse me...
I have just earned the right
to pig out on some ice cream.
[CHUCKLES]
Rachel is remarkably pretty.
Oh, no.
- You don't agree?
- Oh, no, no, I do, sir.
It's just that, uh...
Well, I... Uh... Oh, no.
[LAUGHING]
What is so funny?
Oh! Oh, nothing.
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
What is it, Carl?
I'm sorry, y'all, but I was just
thinking about Lieutenant Murtagh.
That guy cracks me up. Ha-ha-ha.
- He does?
- Yes.
He just told me that he likes
Rachel and wants to date her.
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
No, no, no.
Ha, ha. But what's really
funny is that he's serious.
[CARL LAUGHING LOUDLY]
[COUGHS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
Rachel, let me be
honest here, okay?
Lieutenant Murtagh is my boss.
And, well, there may be a
promotion in it for me soon.
So I'd really appreciate it if
you go out with him just once.
- I don't know.
- Go ahead, hon, give it a shot.
You'll get a chance to get out of
the house and go to a nice restaurant.
Yeah, you might even
meet a cute waiter.
Okay, I'll go out with him,
but just as a favor to you.
And let me get one
thing straight here.
It is not because I'm
hard-up for a date.
CARL: Oh, yeah, sure. I understand.
- Oh, I know that, yeah.
[HUMMING]
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
Huh.
Did I do that?
- Steve.
- Aah!
Eddo. Oh, no. Waldo.
Well, you wanted to know who
sold me Jolene's ID bracelet.
Waldo's the guy, and he
can give you a great deal.
- Have you heard my motto?
- No.
Dang, I was hoping
you'd remember it.
Well, uh, I gotta split.
Where are we going, Eddie?
No, Waldo, you're staying here.
Steve wants to buy
something from you.
Oh.
Cool.
Waldo, watch me
carefully as I leave...
so that you can
find your way out.
Oh, cool.
- Okay, Waldo, where's the merchandise?
- My what?
- Your inventory.
- My huh?
Your ID bracelets.
Oh, why didn't you say
so? They're right here.
Those are watches.
Oh, sorry, wrong floor.
[CHUCKLES]
See anything you like?
- How much is that one?
- Forty bucks.
- I'll give you 30.
- Twenty-five.
- Twenty.
- Fifteen, and that's as high as I'm going.
Sold.
Sucker.
MAN [ON TV]: The
five categories are...
Wait a minute. Where's Richie?
- Ahh! Oh, my gosh.
- What's wrong?
Richie and I were playing
hide-and-seek. He hid, and I got bored.
- How long ago was that?
- About an hour.
Well, it's about time.
Found you. You're it.
I'm gonna let her
sweat for a few hours.
ESTELLE: Oh, Rachel,
honey, you look gorgeous.
- Rachel, you look
sensational. ESTELLE: Mm-hm.
I do?
[SIGHS]
- I'll go change.
- Why?
Well, I don't wanna look
too good for this date.
I mean, the last thing I want is for
Lieutenant Murtagh to start thinking...
Thoughts. Brr.
Honey, look on the bright side.
You're going out with a man
who can walk, talk and has a job.
I'd settle for two out of three.
Yeah, Rach, perk up. I
mean, how bad could it be?
MURTAGH [OVER
LOUDSPEAKER]: Rachel.
I know you're in there.
Come out with your
dancing shoes on.
Have a good time.
You look beautiful, babe.
- Carl.
- Huh?
If I were you, I wouldn't
be here when I get back.
Well, lieutenant, thanks
for a unique evening...
but that headache that I got when
you picked me up is really pounding now.
MURTAGH: That's too bad.
I don't get headaches.
Must be the steel plate.
Um...
- Lieutenant, I...
- Come on, babe.
First names here, huh?
Call me Lieu.
L-I-E-U.
Gosh, my head hurts.
Oh, you...
I, uh, think I hear somebody
trying to steal your car.
[CHUCKLES]
No way. We'd hear the explosion.
Oh.
So did you, uh,
enjoy yourself tonight?
- Can I be honest with you?
- Certainly.
- I didn't have a very good time.
- Oh. Of course you did.
No, I didn't.
Now, take dinner, for instance.
Not only did you insist
on ordering it for me...
but then you cut my steak up in
tiny pieces and you tried to feed me.
[SIGHS]
I'm surprised you
didn't burp me.
Is that an invitation, baby?
Steve, you can go
now. I'm home safe.
Well, perhaps I should
escort you up to your room.
After all, most accidents
do occur in the home.
If you don't leave right now...
there's gonna be a really
big accident right here.
I see. Well, I cannot bid
you adieu just yet, my pet.
Not until you feast
your fabulous eyes on...
[GRUNTING]
On this.
- A present?
- A bauble for a bodacious babe.
An ID bracelet?
"To Laura.
All my glove"?
"Sleeve"?
I bought it from Waldo.
It's a miracle the
spelling is as good as it is.
Well, thank you, Steve,
but I can't keep this.
Well, why not, Pudding Pop?
Because we're not going steady.
But we should. Our
relationship is progressing nicely.
Remember, just last
week, you blew me a kiss.
Steve, I was
spitting out my gum.
Oh.
Come here, Steve. Come here.
You know, this is my fault.
When we first met, I
used to tell you every day...
that there would never
be anything between us.
But lately, I've gotten lazy.
You know, it's been a month
since I told you to stop bugging me.
From now on, I will tell
you every single day...
that our relationship will
never, ever, ever go anywhere.
Okay. But in the meantime, why
don't you just wear the bracelet?
Go home.
Well, I'm tempted to leave.
["STRANGERS IN THE
NIGHT" PLAYING ON STEREO]
You know, that
dress looks stunning.
It makes me think thoughts.
Uh, lieutenant, you
know, I've tried to be nice.
I've tried to be tactful.
But now it appears I'm
going to have to be blunt.
You repulse me.
So you wanna slow
dance and neck a little?
Go home.
They tell me that
you're leaving.
I can't believe it's true.
Because, girl, there's
just no living without you.
[SINGING] Don't take
your love Away from me
Don't you leave
my heart in misery
'Cause if you do
then I'll be blue
'Cause breaking up is hard to do
They say that breaking up
Is hard to do
[SINGING] Now I
know I know that it's true
BOTH [SINGING]: Don't
say that this is the end
Instead of breaking up
I wish that we were
making up again
I beg of you
Don't say goodbye
BOTH: Can't we give
our love just one more try?
Come on, baby, let's start anew
'Cause breaking up is hard to do
[BOTH SIGH]
You don't live here.
Well, neither do you.
- Then what the hell are we doing here?
- Well, certainly not harmony.
I need a drink.
Me too, and I
know just the place.
[BOTH SIGH]
Another round, Lieu?
Set them up, kid.
Here I am again, drowning
my sorrows in root-beer floats.
Yeah, well, my
sorrows don't drown.
They just dog-paddle
around in my heart.
You know something, kid?
Women mystify me.
Yeah, when God created women...
he should have supplied
a set of instructions.
I really tried to
impress Rachel tonight.
But she threw a hissy fit
just because I ordered for her.
I always thought women go for...
a "take charge, tell them
what they want" kind of guy.
Yeah, well I'm more of a
"put them on a pedestal...
you're lucky if they
speak to you" kind of guy.
Well, my approach doesn't
work and yours is pathetic.
Maybe we should
just give up women.
No, Lieu.
No matter how frustrating
they are, we need them.
Yeah, you're right, kid.
We need women to
crank out more men.
Gee, Lieu, I can't imagine
why Rachel didn't flip for you.
Go figure.
You know, Lieuwy...
I have loved Laura Winslow
ever since I first laid eyes on her.
So far, she hasn't
returned my love.
But the hope of winning
her is what keeps me going.
That hope is enough to get
me out of bed every morning...
into my Scooby-Doo slippers.
I hear you, kid.
I've only had one date with Rachel,
but that girl has really gotten to me.
She's copped this cop's heart.
So we can't give up, Lieu.
We must pursue our lady loves.
You're right, kid. A toast.
To the women we love.
And to the day when they
can stand the sight of us!
[English - US -SDH]