Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 21 - Taking Credit - full transcript

Heh, so the mother said to
her son, "I want you to be good."

And the kid said, "I'll be
good if you give me a dollar."

- And what did she say?
- She said:

"Why can't you be good
for nothing like your father?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

RICHIE: Hurry up and try the
cake, Mom. We made it ourselves.

Ooh.

Mm...

Oh, my.

You like it, Mom?

Like it? Ahem.



"Like" isn't the word, honey.

This cake is unbelievable.

There's something...
A unique taste.

Horseradish.

That's why it cleared
my sinuses, heh.

Mom, making the
cake was my idea.

Richie.

Well, it was.

So what? We made it together.

- But I thought of it.
- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did!
- No, you... Time out!

Richie, you know, what
you just did wasn't very nice.

Why not?



Because, honey, there are times
when you should take the credit...

and there are other times
when you should share it.

Look, let me give you two
different examples of taking credit.

Now, the first one
started two weeks ago...

You think we lost him?

Yep. With all the twists
and turns we took...

there's no way Steve
could have followed us.

- Hi, guys.
- Aah!

Steve, how'd you beat us?

Oh, I just came straight here.

For some unknown reason, you
guys were running all over town.

Now, sit down, relax. I
made some sandwiches.

Sink your gums into a BLLT.

What's a BLLT?

- Bacon, lettuce and liver
tartar. EDWARD: Ugh.

- Hi, kids.
- Hi, Mom.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You are
an amazing woman.

- I am?
- Absolutely.

Somehow, you manage
to keep a spotless home...

hold down a taxing job, and keep
your fridge well-stocked with liver.

And you do it all so effortlessly,
with no visible strain...

other than a droopy expression
and slight bags under your eyes.

Thank you ever so much.

Eddie, look at this.

"Enter The Chicago
Chronicle Short Story Contest."

Yeah. Now, look, they're gonna
select five winners in each age category.

You should enter, Eddie.

Why?

Because you have writing talent.

I do?

STEVE & LAURA [IN
UNISON]: He does?

Yes. Edward, you know
how proud we all were of you...

when you got that A-plus in
English on your last report card.

Proud? Huh. I was dumbfounded.

So was Eddie's teacher.

She actually called me to tell me how
much your theme papers had improved.

Eddie?

Eddie Winslow?

This Eddie Winslow?

Oh, Lord, I've fallen into a
parallel universe and I can't get up.

Eddie, I'm so proud of you and I
can't wait to read your short story.

- Uh, b... B... But, Mom...
- Yep, yep, yep.

- Steve...
- Say no more, Eddo.

I'll start writing a
paper this very eve.

- Thanks, buddy.
- Wait a minute.

Have you been doing
Eddie's English papers?

Well, not doing, exactly.

More like helping.

Exactly how much did you help?

Well, I merely came up with an idea
and then I wrote down the actual words.

I did the rest.

Well, you just
must be exhausted.

Is he paying you for this?

I'm getting something far
more precious than money.

Friendship.

You see, Eddie and Rodney
are going camping next month.

And he said if I helped
him out, he'd take me along.

Wait a minute. You're trying
to buy Eddie's friendship.

No, I'm not.

I'm leasing with
an option to buy.

Now, let's start the other
example of taking credit.

That very night, your Uncle Carl and
his boss were working on a stakeout.

Were they working hard?

Oh, yes. Very hard.

Doughnut, sir?

- Winslow.
- Yes, sir?

Couldn't you have found a location
a little closer to the warehouse?

Uh, sir, you're looking through
the wrong end of the binoculars, sir.

I knew that.

Just wanted to see if
you were on your toes.

Sir, when do you think
they'll make their move?

Hard to tell.

Sometimes a doughnut will
stay inside me for a full week.

No, sir, I was referring
to the suspects, sir.

Oh.

Hard to tell.

You know these slimeballs are selling
computers to our nation's enemies?

You know...

I like you, Winslow.

You do, sir?

You're a good man.
Steady under pressure.

Well, thank you, sir. I try.

I've studied your record.

I know you like I know
the back of my hand.

Well, I'm flattered, sir.

I've met your lovely
wife, Hannah...

Harriette, sir.

Your son, Edmund...

Edward, sir.

Your daughter...

- Leslie?
- Laura.

And your sister-in-law, Rachel.

- Rachel, sir.
- That's what I said.

Oh.

Yes, it is, heh.

Rachel's very...

pretty.

Maybe I'll give her
a call sometime.

How do you think
she feels about me?

Well... Well, I... I am sure that
Rachel feels exactly the same way...

that I do, sir.

Excellent.

Even though I know
we're on duty here...

I think we should be
on a first-name basis.

That okay with you, Kevin?

Uh, Carl, sir.

Fine.

Sir, you know, I don't
believe I know your first name.

It's Lieutenant.

Excuse me?

I had my first name legally changed
when I achieved my present rank.

Sir, what was your name before?

Sergeant.

Gotcha.

Can I count on you
to be discreet, Keith?

Carl, sir, ha,
ha, and certainly.

I need this bust.

You do? Why?

Captain Davenport's
out to get me.

Really? I always thought
Captain Davenport was...

He's jealous of me. He knows I'm
better qualified for his job than he is...

and he's too
insecure to admit it.

And...

one day he caught
me wearing his uniform.

What?

I just wanted to see how I
looked with captain's bars.

But Davenport
threw a hissy fit...

said there was no room on
the force for a gung ho lunatic.

But if I make this bust...

I'll be high profile. A hero.

The commissioner
will take notice.

Then you can wear his uniform.

- What?
- Nothing, sir.

You know, Kyle...

all my life all I've wanted
is to be a good cop.

I understand, sir.

And a Porsche. I want a Porsche.

RACHEL: Meanwhile, Steve went
ahead and wrote a short story for Eddie.

Ten days later, guess what?

Do you believe it?
Isn't it incredible?

I'm dumbfounded.

[BOTH LAUGH]

What's all the excitement?

- Eddie.
- Oh, Eddie.

You did it, you
did it, you did it.

Did what?

You won first place in
the short story contest.

Mom, I thought Uncle
Steve won the story contest.

Oh, he did. But at first,
Eddie took credit for it.

- Did he fess up?
- Well, here's what happened.

Your mom and grandmom were so excited
they could hardly contain themselves.

Come on, let's go spread the news.
I'm dying to do some phone bragging.

Me too.

And Helen Winters,
always flapping her gums...

about her granddaughter
being a TV writer.

Wait till I tell her my
grandson is a real writer.

Yeah.

Wow.

First prize, ha, ha.

Mm-hm.

Hello, Eddo.

Oh, Laura, my love...

the wind has chapped my lips, would
you care to heal them with a kiss?

- Tell him, Eddie.
- Tell me what?

Your short story
won first prize, Steve.

Gee, no kidding?

Let me see.

"Congratulations:"
Blah, blah, blah!

"You're extremely
talented:" Blah, blah, blah!

Oh, listen to this part.

"The judges unanimously selected
your short story, 'In Search of a Dream'...

because of its inspiring
depiction of a young proctologist."

Not bad.

It's fantastic, Steve. The problem
is it's your story, not Eddie's.

Well, I came up with the title.

Laura, I don't care
about the glory.

Besides, the whole thing
will be good for a laugh...

when us guys are sitting around
the old campfire chewing our Bazooka.

Right, Eddie?

- Right, Eddie?
- Uh...

Not exactly, Steve.

You see, there's a minor
snafu regarding the camping trip.

Snafu?

Yeah. You see, when I told
Rodney about you going with us...

he thought it was
a terrible idea.

Oh, typical. But
you stood up for me.

Right, buddy?

Well, Steve, I tried...

but Rodney said I had to
choose between you guys.

I see. And you chose Rodney.

I'm sorry, Steve.

Uh, we'll go camping
together some other time.

Just you and me,
I promise, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

No, it's not okay.

Eddie Winslow, front and center.

News flash, Eddie.

I have feelings.

Inside this scrawny
chest there beats a heart.

A heart that hurts...

and the reason it hurts is because
I've tried very hard to be your friend...

and all you've done is
take advantage of me.

Well, that's gonna
stop right now.

I'm not your personal doormat.

I'm her doormat.

- Steve, listen...
- No, you listen.

Either you take me camping...

or you tell everybody who
really won the short story contest.

- Is this a bluff?
- Try me.

All right, I'm gonna
go tell my mom...

that you've been doing
my English papers for me.

And the truth is, Steve,
I have been feeling

guilty about taking
advantage of you.

So I'm gonna go call
Rodney right now...

and tell him you're going camping
with us whether he likes it or not.

- Thanks, Eddie.
- You're welcome.

- Eddie?
- Yeah?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

How about those Bears?

Aunt Rachel, what happened
to my dad and his crazy boss?

Well, that very same night,
they were on a stakeout...

for the 10th night in a row.

Seventy-eight. A
new personal best.

Congratulations.

Sure you don't wanna
give her another try?

No, thanks. My nose still hurts.

- You know what you need?
- A career change?

No.

Some Italian food.

There's a place down the
street. Great eggplant parmesan.

Oh, well, sir, heh,
eggplant is great...

but, um, according to regulations, a
stakeout team should never separate.

Don't quote regulations to me, Winslow.
I helped write the damn regulations.

- Yes, sir.
- It's up to me if I wanna violate myself.

No wonder the
criminals are winning.

[TRUCK BEEPING]

Baker 1, this is Charley
2, come in. Do you read?

LOU: What do you want, Carl?

- Lou, Lou, it's going down, now.
LOU: What? You want us to grab them?

No, let me get some pictures
first, and then I'll give you the word.

All right.

All right. Truck.

Computers. Gotcha.

Ha! Suspects.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, open up the briefcase.
Come on, open up the briefcase.

Show him the money,
show him the money.

That's it, that's it.

Ha! Too bad I can see
you and you can't see me.

Ha, ha.

I forgot to ask you about
dessert. You want a cannoli?

Lieutenant, kill the lights!

Lou, now! Go, go, go!

Jeez, Ken, you
could've warned me.

[SIRENS WAILING]

- Lieutenant Maytag...
- That's Murtagh.

M-U-R-tagh.

Got it. What kind of computers
were the suspects selling?

The computers.

Well, the computers were, um...

Uh... Um...

They were the high-power,
high-capacity computers...

of the type used by the
United States military.

Have you determined what country
the computers were being sold to?

Oh, well, the, um... Oh, uh...

Um...

Uh, not as of yet.

But we do know the destination
was somewhere in the Middle East.

Sergeant Winslow, why are
you supplying all the answers?

Well, the lieutenant
here is a modest man...

uh, but he planned and
executed this entire operation.

And I am proud to work under
Lieutenant Lieutenant Murtagh.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Well, it's over. Good bust.

You'll probably get
a commendation.

And I just might
get my promotion.

Carl?

Yes, sir?

You not only covered for me,
you gave me the credit. Why?

Well, sir, it really doesn't
matter who did what.

I mean, you went out to get us eggplant
and I stayed here and ducked bullets.

It balances out.

No, it doesn't.

I messed up, bigtime.

A lot of guys would have taken advantage
of that and hogged all the glory...

instead, you shared it with me.

Well, sir, the bottom
line is, we're a team.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sir.

So you see, honey...

there are times when you have to stand
up for yourself like Uncle Steve did...

and then there are other times
when it's really nice to share the credit.

The way Uncle Carl did?

Exactly.

Judy, I'm sorry that I
hogged all the credit.

- That's okay, you're
young. RACHEL: Ha, ha.

Okay, give me a hug.

Now, you two go on
upstairs and hop into bed...

and I will be up to
tuck you in in a minute.

JUDY: Okay.

Whoa, nobody should
take credit for this.

This cake could kill you.

[English - US -SDH]