Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 1 - Rachel's Place - full transcript

Laura and Urkel are employees at Leroy's, the local hamburger hangout. Urkel decides to cook Laura dinner, but the klutzy nerd winds up burning down the restaurant. Leroy - exasperated once and for all at Urkel's unending clumsiness - decides to take the insurance settlement and get out of the restaurant business, but Rachel finds the opportunity of a lifetime in the burned-out rubble.

Later, Rachel.

Oh, hitting the courts
again, Mother Winslow?

I'm playing Alice Grayson.
I whip her butt every time.

But she's half your age.

Poor thing, she
can't go to the net.

- Later.
- Have fun.

Ooh, here, give me one of those.

One?

Whew!

These grocery bags are heavy.

Thank goodness I'm
in such great shape.



Look at this. Eight
bags of groceries, $180.

Yeah, and can you believe the fuss
they made when I paid with a check?

Well, Carl, you told them
not to cash it until November.

Oh, Carl... we need
to call a plumber.

Why?

Well, little Richie
was curious to see...

if your new slippers
would float in the toilet.

They don't.

Don't we have enough
expenses around here...

without the kids
sabotaging the place?

Carl, there are eight
people living in this house...

it is bound to get expensive.

But if things get a little
tight, we'll both work overtime.

Listen, you two, I
feel like a freeloader.



- Rachel, don't be silly.
- Well...

No, I appreciate the way you two have
supported my attempts to be a writer...

but my career is
going nowhere fast.

I'd really like to contribute to the
family budget on a regular basis.

But it's really not
necessary, right, Carl?

Well, let's hear
her out, Harriette.

I mean, look at
these newspapers.

I've been checking all the want
ads, but these jobs sound so lousy.

Listen.

"Lakeshore Zoo seeks executive
veterinary assistant, simian sanitation."

Well, now, that sounds
good. What exactly do you do?

You scoop monkey poop.

What's the pay?

Listen, Rachel, if
you gotta find a job...

- try to find something that's challenging.
- Hmm.

Now, hey, here's
something challenging.

"Shy guy seeks hot babe who
shares love for pie toppings."

Rachel...

listen, don't feel that you have to
take the first job that comes along.

Take your time, okay?

Don't worry, it's almost
impossible to find a job these days.

Guess what? I just got a job.

I'm gonna be a part-time
waitress at Leroy's.

I get minimum wage plus tips. We're
talking new clothes, concert tickets.

I want money Lots
and lots of money

I want a pie in the sky Whoa!

I wanna be rich Whoa!

Whoa!

- What?
- You are only 14 years old.

- Uh, you're too young to have a job.
- No, I'm not.

You have schoolwork and
chores around the house.

Mom, listen, let me work
at Leroy's for one month.

If my grades slip, or if I don't pull
my weight around here, I'll quit. Deal?

One month.

Yes! Oh, Mom, will you
sign my work permit?

Why do you need a work permit?

I'm too young to have a job.

Laura, are there any
more openings at Leroy's?

Nope, I got the last one.

You?

You're working at Leroy's?

I knew you'd be
thrilled, sugarknees.

I saw you ask Leroy for a job,
so I decided to ask for one too.

Go home, Steve.

All right, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute. Uh...

Uh, a peck near the lip area
would speed me on my way.

So would a left hook.

Ooh, I love it when
she gets physical.

Boy, Laura's got a job,
even Steve Urkel's got a job.

Now, I should be
able to find something.

Well, if you're interested...

my Uncle Cecil Urkel
is looking for somebody.

Really? What kind of job is it?

I'm not sure.

All I know is it's got something
to do with pie toppings.

Hey, Jolene...

who do you think is
better-looking, me or Tyrone?

Well, right now, Eddie,
I'd have to say Tyrone.

Why?

Because you don't look real
hunky with mustard on your nose.

Laura, give Table 6 their check.

- But they're not done eating.
- Ha!

If I waited for people to finish
eating my food, I'd never make a dime.

Where is she? Psst!

Hey, hey, she looks like a
great waitress. I hope we get her.

What are you guys doing here?

- We wanted to give you our support.
- And throw you a little business.

And after that, we'll
rock till we drop.

Mom!

Waitress, we need menus.

Sorry, this is not my station.

Steve, Table 10.

Hi. Ooh!

Oh. I'll be with you in two
shakes of a lamb's tail, okay?

Here's your food.

We're out of fries right now,
but I'll try and scrape some up.

Hi, everybody.
Welcome to Leroy's.

Menu, menu, menu... menu, menu.

Uh, just bring us
burgers and fries.

Thank you, thank
you, thank you...

thank you, thank you.

Okey-dokey. Would you guys
like those burgers with cheese?

Please.

- Oh, you guys.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Steve.

Ooh!

Allow me, my little milk shake.

No, I can handle it.

Oh, no, hands as lovely as yours
should never be besmirched by grease.

Here.

Oh. No.

- Here, let me.
- I've got it.

Oh, no, I insist.

Whoa! JOLENE: Aah!

Oh.

Did I do that?

Okay, you two, payday.

Yes.

You're doing a good
job, Laura, keep it up.

Thanks, sir.

A bill?

That's what you owe
me for broken dishes.

Well, perhaps if you
popped for better china...

I should fire you, Urkel...

but I'm in a good mood, so
I'm gonna cut you some slack.

Thank you. I love slack.

I'm going to the bank
and make a deposit.

Take your time.

Why don't you stop off and treat
yourself to a decent meal for a change?

You know, the life of a restaurateur
appeals to this particular Joe.

I've mastered waitering,
I'm a crackerjack cashier...

and during peak hours, a
pretty darn good hostess.

Yep, I think it's time
I became a chef.

- Urkel, where are you going?
- To turn on the grill.

I'm gonna fry you up
a Steve-o Supremo.

I don't think you
should do any cooking.

Don't fret, my pet,
what could go wrong?

Did I do that?

- What's happening?
- Leroy's is on fire.

Laura.

Laura!

Oh, my baby. Are you okay?

I'm fine, Ma.

- Laura?
- What happened?

Dad. CARL: Laura.

Oh, sweetheart, I was
so worried about you.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine, Dad.

Oh, sweetheart.

Ooh!

I've been looking for you two.

Now, just how
did this fire start?

It was an accident, Your Honor.

I'm not the judge,
I'm the fire inspector.

I know, I was just practicing.

Here's what happened. Some
grease flared up on the grill.

Still, we could've handled it,
but then he threw water on it.

Oh, no, no, no. You never, ever,
ever throw water on a grease fire.

Thanks, I'll know
for the next time.

Leroy, how you holding up?

I've had better days.

You!

No, no, no! Calm down,
Leroy! Take it easy!

You can rebuild, the place
will be better than ever.

No way. No way. I'm
too old to start over.

I'm gonna retire to Fort
Lauderdale. Get me a nice little coop.

You don't mean that, Leroy.

Yeah, I'm taking my insurance
money, maybe even my wife.

I have flipped my last burger.

From now on, the only buns I
wanna see will be on the beach.

Boy, did he ever get up on the
wrong side of the bed this morning.

Okay, does everybody
have their nametags?

Steve, Carl and I
know each other.

Just going by the book.

Okay, welcome, everybody. This
is a completely informal meeting...

so feel free to ask any
questions at anytime.

- Yes?
- Why are we here?

Good question, "Carl."

And I'll answer it. Ahem.

You see, um...

when Steve burned down
Leroy's, it caused a lot of problems.

Uh, the neighborhood
kids lost their hangout...

Steve and Laura
lost their jobs...

and poor Leroy lost his mind.

At the same time, I was looking for
a job and getting absolutely nowhere.

So that's when I dug down
into the old gray matter...

and yanked out an idea
that reeked of sheer genius.

Yeah. You see, Steve suggested
that I buy Leroy's, rebuild it...

and run it as my own business.

Whoa!

It's the answer to
everyone's problems.

But, Rachel, where are you gonna
get money to buy a restaurant?

Well, from the bank and
my brand-new partners.

I think she means us, "Carl."

See, the bank will finance us...

if we can come up with a
20 percent down payment.

Now, I can kick in the insurance
money that my husband left me...

so all I need from you two
is a check in the amount of...

Whoa!

I know I can make it work. I
really believe that with all my heart.

Well, Rachel, we have
plenty of confidence in you...

but aren't restaurants
a risky investment?

- Steve.
- Good question.

I think the following visual aid will
clear up any and all doubts you have.

Oh, will you just
pull off the sheet?!

I give you Rachel's Place.

Thank you, Vanna.

Carl, it's beautiful.

Now, I've sought the advice
of the world's best CPA...

my own uncle,
Hiram Ross Urkel...

and according to
H and R Urkel...

Rachel's Place should inevitably
turn a profit in less than one year.

- Well, how does he know that?
- Oh, it's an inverse curve.

Rising neighborhood
population growth...

versus declining
franchises that serve meat.

Oh.

Well, look, we'll leave you two
alone to discuss the proposition.

And if you decide
to invest, great.

And if you decide not to,
believe me, it's okay, I understand.

Come on, Steve.

Well, honey, what do you think?

It's an interesting proposal, and
I believe Rachel could handle it.

Well, it's obvious she
really wants to do this.

Hmm, but I feel uncomfortable about asking
you to put up so much to help my sister.

- You worked hard for that money.
- No, no, no.

Now, we worked
hard for that money.

Sweetheart, Rachel is family.
Not just your family, but our family.

But like you said, Carl, a
restaurant is a risky business.

Yeah, it's a gamble.

But I say our odds are a lot better
if we bet on somebody we love.

- So you wanna do it?
- Absolutely.

- Oh, Carl.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I just wish we could.

- What?
- Ha-ha-ha.

Well, honey, Rachel needs just a
little bit more money than we have.

Oh.

You see, the thing is...

a couple of months ago,
Lieutenant Murtagh...

he gave me a good tip
on a sweet little stock...

so, ahem, I invested.

How much, Carl?

Five grand.

Carl.

Can't you sell the stock
and get the money back?

Well, the stock has
gone down a bit.

If I did, we'd only have
enough money to go bowling.

One of us anyway.

Carl, we'll
discuss this later...

but in the meantime, you better
pray that stock goes back up.

Rachel.

Did I keep you waiting?

Rachel, uh...

we talked it over and we
decided we wanna help.

Ah! Oh, yes. Oh,
thank you so much.

But, but, but...

we're a few thousand
short of what you need.

Oh.

I'm so sorry, Rachel.

Oh, look, guys, don't worry
about it. It just wasn't meant to be.

How dare you people have an
investor's meeting without me.

- Oh, Mama...
- If it wasn't for Steve here...

I'd still be out back
shooting hoops.

Here.

Mother Winslow,
this is a blank check.

Hmm, you're pretty swift.

We need $5000.

Write in a number.
Whatever you need.

You have that kind of money?

Is a frog's butt watertight?

Write it.

Oh, Mother Winslow,
thank you so much.

In a few moments, we're gonna
unlock that door and make history.

- Yes.
- Not to mention a lot of money.

Yes. STEVE: All right.

A toast to Rachel's Place
and its beautiful owner.

- Thank you.
- I'm with that.

Hear, hear.

Wait, wait, one more.

Let's drink to the person
who really made this possible.

- Our junior partner, Estelle Winslow.
- Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

Now, come on, everybody, let's dance.
I can't wait to get down with my bad self.

Now, before we all throw down...

I wanna take the time
to thank a young man...

who will always hold a
special place in my heart.

We wouldn't be here today if he hadn't
had the foresight to burn this place down.

- To Steve Urkel.
- Hear, hear.

- All right, Steve.
- Oh, thanks, everybody.

And we'll all have burgers
just as soon as I fire up the grill.

Is it cute...? Fire up the grill?
CARL: What? Quick! Stop him!