Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 5 - Straight A's - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO AND TV]

[TURNS TV OFF]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[TURNS RADIO OFF]

What are you
doing? I'm studying.

Edward, your study habits are pitiful.
How are you doing in school anyway?

Oh, no sweat, Dad.

I'm pretty sure I'm
getting straight C's.

And with any
luck, a shot at a B.

Well, that's a
relief. What subject?

Wood shop.



I'm getting pretty
good with shellac.

You know, I haven't
colored in years.

I forgot how good I was.

Notice my use of contrast and
shadowing to create the illusion of depth.

Too bad you didn't
stay in the lines.

We have got to do
something with Eddie.

I'm open.

Harriette, I'm
worried about him.

His study habits are terrible.

Carl, it's his first semester
in high school. He's adjusting.

It took him a month to settle
on the right three-ring binder.

Yes, and then he went out
and bought two-hole paper.

Harriette, he is in
high school now.

If he doesn't get good grades,
he'll never get into college.



And if he doesn't get into
college, he'll never get a good job.

And if he doesn't get a good
job, he'll be living here forever.

That's it. We're hiring a tutor.

I'm finished
studying for the night.

Hey, grab a crayon.
You can color with us.

No, thanks. I don't
wanna overload my brain.

Tying your shoes
overloads your brain.

Oh, yeah? I can tie my shoes
with both hands behind my back.

I rest my case.

All right, everyone,
it's that time again.

And will the lovely report-card
lady hand me the envelopes, please?

[CARL HUMMING]

Carl, will you just open them?

This report-card ritual is about
as much fun as a root canal.

Harriette, this is a
Winslow family tradition.

Now, $5 an A is an
excellent incentive.

What's an incentive?

Look it up.

"Judy Winslow," come on down.

Let's see how you did.

Ooh. Two A's and three B's.

Very good.

Here is $10.

Thanks, Dad. I'm rich!

"Laura Winslow," come on down.

As usual, another
excellent report card.

"English, A. Mathematics, A.

Physical education, A. Music, A.

Science, A. History, B-plus."

A B-plus? Let me see that.

I don't believe this.

I always get straight A's.

I've never gotten
a B in my life.

Cool down, Laura. It's
an excellent report card.

Here's $25.

I'll take it, but I'm not happy.

And now you, Edward.

Dad, listen.

Before you open my report card,
there's something you ought to know.

My science teacher hates me.

Oh, and during my math
exam, I got extremely dizzy.

I think I have an
outer-ear infection.

Carl, it can't be that bad.

What?

Does this mean I didn't
get the B in wood shop?

Come over here, son.

How did you do it?

Do what?

Eddie got straight A's.

Our Eddie? This Eddie?

Eddie Winslow?

- I can't believe it.
- You can't believe it?

This is a dream come true.

[EDDIE CHUCKLES]

Well, six A's, 5 bucks a piece,
you owe me 40 bucks, Dad.

Five times six is 30.

He can't even multiply.

I got a A in math
that says I can.

Uh, son, heh, I seem
to be a little short.

I didn't expect to pay
out this much cash.

Perhaps I can get some financial assistance
from the lovely report-card lady.

If you call me "report-card
lady" one more time...

you gonna spend
the night in detention.

Perhaps you'll take a check.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Aunt Rachel.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, baby.

Honey, you'll feel
better if you watch TV.

Wall Street Week
in Review is on.

No.

I don't deserve to have
fun until I get an A in history.

It's good to see Carl's incentive
program working so well.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'll get it.

Hi, Rodney.

Hello, Mrs. Crawford.
It's good to see you.

[RACHEL SCREAMS]

[RODNEY LAUGHING]

Rodney, I hate it
when you do that.

Come on, it's a joke.

HARRIETTE: Rodney, don't be putting
any of that fake vomit in my kitchen.

If you're looking for
Eddie, he's up in his room.

Thanks.

And don't be putting any
saran wrap on the toilet seats.

[RODNEY GROANING]

Hey, Rodney.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I feel kind of sick.

[FEIGNS VOMITING]

[RODNEY LAUGHING]

That was great.

Come on, let's go to the movies.

I can't. I need to study.

I really wanna
keep up my grades.

Yeah, right. I guess that
means you got your report card.

Pretty funny, huh?

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What are you talking about?

You got straight A's, right?

Yeah, how'd you know?

We all got straight A's.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I found a way to make fake
report cards on my computer.

I mailed them out.

The real ones don't
come till tomorrow.

You mean these
aren't my real grades?

Not unless you had
a brain transplant.

Man, I thought I was smart.

You thought you were smart?

What are you, stupid?

Dad's gonna kill me.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Aunt Rachel.

Hi, honey. I'm making
cookies. Want some?

No, thanks.

Cookies will make me happy.

I don't deserve to be happy.

Got any liver?

Look, Laura, I know you feel
bad about your report card...

but you did well. You always do.

Mom, you don't understand.

I wanted to go to a top law
school: Harvard, Yale or Michigan.

I don't wanna end up at
the University of Bubba.

Why don't you talk to
her? She won't listen to me.

You know, Laura, I got into a good
college and I never got straight A's.

Really?

Yes, because I was a
well-rounded student.

I was editor of the paper,
I was in the Drama Club...

and I was in the marching band.

Hey, you're musical. How
about the marching band?

Aunt Rachel, I play the piano.

Yeah.

It would be hard pushing
that across the football field.

That B-plus will be hanging
over my head for the rest of my life.

Oh, darn.

LAURA: What's the matter?
- Tsk. Look at these cookies.

- Guess I'll have to throw them out.
- Why? They look fine to me.

Not to me. Look, that one doesn't
have quite enough chips in it.

Who cares? It'll
still taste good.

No, if all the cookies aren't
perfect, they all have to go.

But that doesn't make any sense.

You don't throw cookies
out just because one...

Ohhh.

I get it. This is
one of those parent

tricks where you try
to tell me something...

without actually
telling me something.

Did it work?

I don't know. Let me eat a few of
those cookies and I'll think about it.

- Hi, honey. CARL: Hi, honey.

Carl, that new dry-cleaner
did a great job on your uniform.

They even got out
the jelly-doughnut stain.

Oh. That's great.
Great. But, honey, look.

Take a look at these
brochures I picked up for Eddie.

With his grades, he can go
to any school that he wants.

"Harvard."

"Yale."

"Columbia."

Carl, don't you think you're
getting carried away with this?

I mean, Laura thought her life was
over because she got one B-plus.

Harriette, she just
knows the competition.

Nowadays, there's
no room for average.

You either a shark
or you're fish bait.

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, baby.

There you are, son.
I've been looking for you.

Look what I got for you.

Ta-da!

Oh, Dad. It's just
what I've been wanting.

All for you, smart guy.

Careful with that jacket.
Dry-cleaning costs a fortune.

- Dad, we need to talk.
- Oh, you're absolutely right, son.

Take a look at these
brochures I picked up for you.

They're from the top
Ivy League colleges.

How would you like
to go to Columbia?

Why would I wanna
go to Colombia?

I don't even speak Spanish.

[LAUGHING]

That's funny.

Keep your sense of humor.
No matter how smart you get...

people always love a
man with a sense of humor.

- That's good advice, but, Dad...
- Ooh! One more thing before I forget.

I ran into an old detective friend
of mine who went to Harvard.

And I told him all about
your good grades...

and he's arranged for a Harvard
recruiter to come talk to you.

But, of course, if you'd rather
go to Yale, it's all right with me.

No pressure.

- Oh, hi, Aunt Rachel.
- Hi, baby.

Oh, if you're working on
your novel, I won't bother you.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I'm 800 pages from the end, so
a few minutes with you won't hurt.

Come on.

So...

what's on your mind?

Is something wrong?

Well, yeah.

Do you wanna talk about it?

Yeah.

Today?

Well, there was this little
mistake on my report card.

A mistake?

Yeah, Rodney figured out a way to make
up phony report cards on his computer.

And he gave a bunch
of us guys straight A's.

[LAUGHING]

Ooh.

Do you know what kind
of grades you really got?

Mostly C's and a couple of B's.

Well, that sounds
pretty good to me.

Yeah, but it's not
good enough for Dad.

Oh. Tsk.

Well...

what are you gonna do?

Well, I tried to tell
Dad yesterday...

but every time I did,
he gave me a present.

So here's what I was thinking:

I'll study real hard and
on my next report card...

I'll get straight A's, and
that way no one will get hurt.

Well, that is a plan.

Or I could just
tell him the truth.

I like that plan.

I had a feeling you'd say that.

You have nothing to be
afraid of if you just tell the truth.

Yeah, it'll be a lot worse if Dad
finds out from someone else.

You know, Eddie, you're a lot
brighter than people give you credit for.

[RICHIE CRYING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ooh. What's the matter
with my little Richie?

He just started crying.

Well, he's either wet,
hungry, cranky or tired.

So change him, feed him,
tickle him and put him to bed.

RACHEL: Come on, my little man.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, babe.

- Where's Eddie?
- He's out on the porch.

Hey, Eddie. Come on in
the kitchen for a second, son.

- What's all that?
- It's a personal computer system.

I bought it for him.

- Yeah, Dad?
- Look what I got you, son.

Your own computer system.

It comes with all this software, a
color monitor and it even has a modem.

Dad, I've gotta tell
you something...

and I don't quite know
how to explain it to you.

Well, try me, son, but go slow.
I'm not as smart as you are.

My report card was a fake.

I thought you said your
report card was a fake.

What did you really say?

- I said, my report card was a fake.
- Don't keep saying that.

Rodney did it on his computer.

He gave all of his
friends straight A's.

It's a fake?

Well, I tried to tell you, but
you never gave me the chance.

Dad, I had nothing
to do with it.

Here's my real report card.

Eddie, this is your
best report card yet.

Carl, look.

Four C's and two B's.

And no A's.

Yeah.

I guess I'm stupid.

Maybe I'm the one that's stupid.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah?

CARL: Uh, it's me,
son. Can I come in?

Sure.

Edward, can I talk to you?

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Son, I... I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.

I let you down, Dad.

Edward, you didn't let me down.

It's just that I overreacted
to the report card.

You made me proud of
you by telling me the truth.

I know that wasn't easy.

This was the first time I ever got
to see what it felt like to be smart.

And it really felt good.

You and Mom were proud of me.

And I was even looking forward
to going back to school on Monday.

But now it's back to
being stupid Eddie.

Son, look at me.

You are not stupid.

You may be a little
undisciplined at times...

Well, no, let's face it,
you're very undisciplined.

But, son, you're not stupid.

You've just convinced
yourself that you're not smart.

I get a lot of help from Laura.

Well, now, don't
worry about your sister.

Edward, you just brought
home your best report card ever...

and there is no doubt in my
mind that you can do even better.

You really think so?

Son...

I believe that you can
do anything you want...

if you work at it.

I wouldn't be pushing you
so hard if I didn't think so.

You know, son...

your grandfather and I
never went to college.

We wanted to...

but it just didn't
work out that way.

I guess the reason why
I got so carried away...

was because I want you to
be the very first Winslow ever...

to come home with
a college degree.

Well, I wanna go to college too.

And I know how important
it is to get a good education.

And I hear that college
babes are really fine.

Well, you keep trying and
you'll find that out for yourself.

I'm proud of you, son.

You did good.

Thanks, Dad.

And it's, "You did well."

I learned that in English class.

I stand corrected.

Dad, you weren't really serious about
sending me to Colombia, were you?

You do know there's a drug
war going on down there?

Son...

So how's Eddie?

Eddie is fine.

And I've decided not to put
so much emphasis on grades.

So does this mean no
more report-card lady?

Absolutely.

Puts too much
pressure on the kids.

Besides, it was
costing me a fortune.

From now on, I'm gonna let
the kids go at their own pace.

No more pushing them.

There's a Mr. Stevens at the door.
He says he's a recruiter from Harvard.

Oh, no, I forgot. I gotta tell
him he's way too early for Eddie.

Oh, let me tell him. I
wanna talk to him anyway.

About Richie? He's
only 9 months old.

No, I wanna talk
to him about me.

He's cute.

So Harvard, huh?

[ENGLISH SDH]