Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 18 - Sitting Pretty - full transcript

Hi, guys.

Laura, my angel, great news.

I've got two tickets...

to the Greater Chicago
Rock and Mineral Show.

I hear they have a fabulous
gravel exhibit this year.

Thanks, but I'm busy.

I didn't say what night it is.

Thanks, but I'm
busy every night.

I understand, Laura, my sweet.

There's always the boat show.

Eddie.



My buddy. What do you say?
I can get us backstage passes.

Thanks, Steve... but
I'm allergic to rocks.

Hey, I'm allergic to
everything and I'm still going.

Judy.

It's your lucky night.

Pass.

No problem. I can
bring you back a T-shirt.

Richie.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Well, here's my first attempt
to impress my new captain.

Is it typed neatly enough?
What about the spacing?

It's a police report.

They'll be happy if it
doesn't have food all over it.

This would've been okay for Captain
Charles, but not Captain Davenport.



He's all spit and polish.

Hey. Maybe he'll be impressed
if I put it in something special...

like a binder or a
folder, or a new car.

Carl, nobody likes a kiss-up.

Mama, in order to make lieutenant, I
need my captain's recommendation.

And I just don't
know where I stand.

Carl, you have a great
record. That's all that matters.

Yeah, but, Harriette, when
a new captain comes in...

everybody starts from scratch.

And Davenport doesn't
know me from Adam.

Well, get acquainted with him,
talk to him. Take him to lunch.

The man doesn't eat lunch.
He thinks it's a waste of time.

Then you two have
nothing in common.

[HARRIETTE CHUCKLES]

How was babysitting, honey?

Those Murphy twins are
a couple of wild animals.

I'm getting too old
for this line of work.

Laura, you are involved
in too many activities.

You're right, Mom. I've been
thinking it over and I made a decision.

- You're gonna cut back on babysitting?
- No. I'm gonna expand.

Carl, she's delirious.

No. What I mean is, I'm gonna
start my own babysitting service.

You're gonna start
your own business?

Do you have any
idea what you're doing?

Sure. I'll hire a staff of babysitters,
book the jobs, take 10 percent off the top.

I can make 50 bucks a night
without leaving the house.

I'm gonna make
some business cards.

Oh, all right. Well, thanks a
lot, Jeff. I had a wonderful time.

Yeah, me too, Rachel.
Look, uh, it's still early.

- Maybe I could come in, have some coffee?
- No.

Uh, no, no, no.

We don't drink coffee. Uh, we're
all too high-strung. Good night.

[GASPS]

Another loser, huh, Rachel?

No. I like Jeff.

Well, then why didn't
you invite him in?

[CARL MUMBLING]

Maybe she's
embarrassed by her family.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, Carl.

No.

The truth is I haven't told
him about little Richie yet.

If you like him and he likes you, why
don't you tell him you have a child?

I don't wanna scare
him off, Harriette.

Last time I told a date about little
Richie, I had to take the bus home.

Wait till you're my age.

The bus ride is the
highlight of the date.

No, sir. Captain Davenport, there is
nothing that I like more than fishing. Ha.

Except, of course,
working for you. Ha-ha-ha.

Carl, you want me to
fry that or throw it back?

Harriette, I finally found out a
way to impress Captain Davenport.

He likes fishing. I figure
I'd take him up to the lake...

- do a little fishing, little talking...
- Wait a minute, Carl.

You got to take the man
fishing to talk to him?

Talk to him at the station.

[CARL SCOFFS]

Harriette, you just don't know
the way the world works, do you?

Guide me, oh, wise one.

I'll give you a guide.

[PHONE RINGS]

It's for me.

It's Rebecca.

What's happening, baby?

Who?

Man.

Laura, it's for you.

I don't believe this.

Another Friday night
and I'm dateless.

Is there something
wrong with me?

Winslow Sitting Service.

I'm still as good-looking as
I was two weeks ago, right?

I still have my
killer eyes, don't I?

Mom?

- Judy?
- Eddie, get a life.

No, no, I'm sorry.

We don't have any
sitters available that night.

I'm sure we could accommodate you
if you change the date of the funeral.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

- Harriette. Harriette.
HARRIETTE: Hm?

I want my date with Jeff to be perfect.
Which dress do you like, the pink or red?

I love that red dress
on you, Rachel.

But are you thinking like a man?

Oh, well, if I were a man, I'd
love that low-cut pink dress on you.

Sure, you just want
me for my body.

Harriette. Harriette, I
am in. I am in, Harriette.

I can see that. Now,
maybe you can shut the door.

Oh. I mean, I finally got up enough
courage to speak with Captain Davenport.

What did you say?

I remember the
conversation word for word.

I went up to him, I said,
"Hey, captain. How's it going?"

And he looked me right in the
eye and he said, "Who are you?"

This is too weird.

Now Dianne is canceling too.

I need somebody to sit for
the Kramer baby. Who's left?

Nobody.

I guess I could
call Steve Urkel.

Did I say that?

[PHONE RINGS]

Did Davenport say he was gonna
recommend you for lieutenant?

Well, I figure I'd
ease into it tonight.

I invited him over for dinner.

- Tonight?
- Yeah.

His wife is out of
town. It's perfect.

Isn't it?

I'm warning you, Renita.

If you cancel on me, you'll
never sit in this town again.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Renita?

Renita?

The kid is back.

It's Friday night
and I got a date.

Pardon me, but you must have
mistaken me for somebody who cares.

- What's your problem?
- All of my sitters have canceled.

Why is this happening?

That's easy.

Paula Abdul is in town
giving a surprise concert.

Everyone's going.

How could all my girls be
going? It's limited seating, right?

Well, if you call the 65,000
seats at Soldier Field limited, yeah.

All right. Don't panic.

Look, there's nothing
going on here tonight,

so we have the
house all to ourselves.

Okay. I'll call all the parents and
have them bring the kids over here.

I know it's just you and me, Judy,
but it's only 15 kids. We can handle it.

We? I'm out of here.

No, no, there's no
problem, Miss Parks. If

you'll just drop your
son off at my house...

my sister and I will be
delighted to look after him.

Okay, bye.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

[PANTING]

Look, I decided to go with the red dress.
What do you think? Is the red dress okay?

That's black.

Right. I decided to go
with the black dress.

You look beautiful, Aunt Rachel.

Oh, thanks, sweetheart.

Uh, Laura, look.

Tonight's the night I
tell Jeff about Richie.

Should I tell him right
away and get it over with...

or tell him at intermission, or wait
and tell him at dinner or the car?

It's not your problem.
Just wish me luck, honey.

- Aunt Rachel.
- Yes?

You don't want him to know
the minute he sees you, right?

Definitely not.

Then maybe you ought
to leave Richie here.

Good point.

Bye, baby.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

Well, have a good
evening. I know I will.

Where are you going?

You said you'd
take care of Richie.

Oh. That was
before I had a date.

Laura, I don't have a lot of time
so I'm gonna give it to you straight.

I'm going to the concert and
you've got the Murphy twins.

Penny, you can't do this to me.

I'm your best friend.

That's why I feel
so terrible about this.

Bye.

I'm out of here.

If you don't stay and
help me babysit...

I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad
about that ugly little incident...

that occurred at
school last week.

What incident?

Don't play dumb with me.

You know what I'm talking about.

You wouldn't.

Try me.

Okay, you got me.

I'll stay.

- What did he do at school?
- Beats me.

Knowing Eddie,
I just took a shot.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

Hey, give me back my wallet.

LAURA: Eddie...

little Richie needs changing.

You know, Laura, I've
been thinking about this...

and I really don't think I did
anything at school last week.

Oh. Are you forgetting about
that incident with Rodney?

Oh.

Oh, Laura, I see
you're having a party.

I would have been here sooner,
but I was soaking my retainer.

Steve, I'm glad to see you.

You are? Wow!

You wanna make
out? My mouth is clean.

Get real. I need help.

Go find Adam Lewis. I think
he's playing frogman in the toilet.

Oh. One of my
favorite water sports.

[SNORTS AND LAUGHS]

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Oh, Harriette, look at the time.
Davenport will be here in 20 minutes.

Carl, you're the one who went to
three gourmet shops to find goose pâté.

I heard it was his favorite.

Friend or foe?

- Who are you?
- Your worst nightmare.

Carl, who was that?

You don't know?

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

Laura, what are all
these kids doing here?

All my babysitters backed out.

Then call their parents.

I did. They were all
out for the evening.

Captain Davenport
will be here any minute.

These kids can't stay here.

Harriette, some child is outside
digging up all your azaleas.

Oh, my Lord!

Where are you going
with my hockey stick?

All right! All right! That
is it! Harriette, that is it!

We have a house
full of screaming kids...

no dinner, and Davenport
will be here any minute.

I might as well kiss
my promotion goodbye.

No... No, not yet.
Not yet. Hold on.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

Okay. Everybody, listen up.

Mother Winslow, take
the toddlers to your room.

All kids over 7, go to Eddie's
room and play Nintendo.

Laura, Judy, divide the rest
between Barbie fans and Lego lovers...

and get them upstairs.
All right, everybody, move.

ESTELLE: On my way.
Come on. BOY: Bye, Teddy.

ESTELLE: Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

Now, if we keep
them out of sight...

Captain Davenport may not notice
that we're running a daycare center.

[MUFFLED HUMMING]

Excuse me.

I don't mean to alarm anybody...

but the Murphy twins are snorkeling
in Mother Winslow's water bed.

Halt.

Who goes there?

- Come on. Let's go. Come,
come, come. CARL: Ha-ha-ha.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Oh. Captain Davenport.
- Winslow.

- Nice to see you, sir. Come on in.
- Thank you.

How do you do? It's a pleasure
to meet you. I'm Harriette.

- Mrs. Winslow.
- Come on in, sir.

- Thank you.
- Sit down.

[DAVENPORT SIGHS]

Little goose?

Pâté.

Oh, my favorite.

But I can't eat it.
Too much cholesterol.

Had yours checked
lately, Winslow?

[CARL CLEARS THROAT]

So Captain Davenport,
I hear you like to fish.

Mm.

Heh. I happen to be an
expert fisherman myself.

Yeah. Just the other day,
he caught an 8-pound curtain.

So, what's your favorite
game fish? I like trout.

I hate trout.

Me too.

Well, seems you two
have a lot to talk about.

I'll, uh, just go
check on dinner.

Isn't this nice?

[SIGHS]

Here in my home,
the two of us...

away from the
hubbub of the precinct.

Doesn't get much
better than this, does it?

No, sir.

You say something?

Unh-unh.

[CRASHING]

Uh... Uh... Ha, ha.

We're having leg of
lamb for dinner. Ha, ha.

I hope she didn't break it. It's
hard to cut through the cast. Ha, ha.

I'll be right back, sir.

[CHATTERING]

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey!

Thanks, Carl. I didn't wanna
have to get rough with them.

Oh, yeah?

STEVE: Help!

All right, all right.

If I ever mention
babysitting again, just kill me.

Hi, Laura. Your father was showing
me how to carry you over the threshold.

Dad. Get him.

- If you are here, who's watching the kids?
- Eddie.

This guy is good.

I turned my head and he
shimmied down the drain pipe.

Now who's watching
the other kids?

Captain Davenport.

Hey, hey, hey.

Captain Davenport, sir.

Uh, I can explain everything.

- This is very embarrassing.
- Winslow, you ruined the game, man.

[CHILDREN GIGGLING]

- You like this?
- Sure.

I love kids. I'm having
the time of my life.

Uh-oh. Look out,
kids. I'm getting away.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

See, Harriette. Can I
read people or what?

Thank you.

Jeff, I had a great time.

Me too, Rachel.

You're a lovely,
wonderful woman.

Would you like to come in?

You're inviting me in?

This is a big breakthrough
in our relationship.

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

But before we go in...

there's something
I have to tell you.

I knew there was a catch.

There's someone else in my life.

You're not married, are you?

No, no.

Nothing like that.

Then what?

Well...

in addition to being a
lovely, wonderful woman...

I'm also a lovely,
wonderful mother.

You are?

I are.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

Help! Help!

Kids. Uh, kids.

Kids. Kids. Kids. Stop it!

Oh, Jeff, I'm sorry.

Are all those yours?

None of those are mine.

Aunt Rachel, take little Richie.

The Murphy twins are out
back giving each other haircuts.

This is my child.

My only child.

Richie, meet Jeff.

- Rachel, I...
- Jeff.

The only reason I didn't
tell you about Richie...

is because I didn't wanna
have to take the bus home again.

Run that by me again.

It's a long story.

It's just that I've gotten
strange reactions from men...

when they find
out I have a child.

I really like you and I
didn't wanna scare you off.

Rachel...

I'm still here.

And I'd like the chance to get to
know you and your son a little better.

I'd like that too.

Is that okay, Richie?

That means yes.

- Hey, thank you for a wonderful evening.
- You're welcome, sir.

And I got my eye
on you for lieutenant.

I appreciate that,
Captain Davenport...

Listen. Now, we are
off duty. Call me Casper.

[LAUGHS]

[MOUTHS] Casper?

You sure the right kids went
home with the right parents?

I don't know. Let
them figure it out.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We have to have
a talk, young lady.

I know.

My babysitting business
blew up in my face.

Like the Hindenburg.

Laura, for the next few years, instead
of trying to be a business tycoon...

just be a kid.

I'll try.

But the thought of extra cash
flow does funny things to me.

What does the thought of
losing your allowance do?

Straightens me right up.

[CHUCKLES]

- Good night, honey.
LAURA: Good night.

Well, how do you think it
went with Captain Davenport?

It's simple. Invite the boss
over, give him some dinner...

throw in about 20 or 30 kids and tie
him up a little bit, he's a happy guy.

Let's clean the kitchen.

[CARL CHUCKLING]

[POPPING]

Sorry, Carl.

This thing has a hair trigger.

[ENGLISH SDH]