Family Matters (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 17 - The Big Fix - full transcript

[VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

Ha! Slaughtered you again.

I'm ahead three games to two.

I want a rematch.

Hey, wait a minute. You
said I could play the winner.

You can. It's the best
51 out of a hundred.

All right, that's enough.
Everybody up to bed.

Just one more game.

No, it's a waste of time.

Yeah, you should all go read
a book. It'll improve your mind.

Hey, someday you'll thank me.



ALL: Yeah. EDWARD: Right.

- I thought they'd never leave.
- Yeah.

[VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

Now, son, all you do is
factor out your polynomial...

which leaves you with
X plus one plus 3X.

Which means X equals...?

Twenty-five. Right.

See how much fun algebra can be?

Yeah. It's amazing
this much fun is legal.

What is wrong with this chair?

Mom, I'm way behind in history.
I've gotta pull an all-nighter.

Fine. As long as
you're in bed by 10.

Edward, why is your
father under the table?

Harriette, this chair is wobbly.



I know what you're thinking, Carl.
Just call the shop and get it fixed.

Harriette, I can do this. All I
gotta do is even out the legs.

I guess that means we're
gonna get a new kitchen set.

Well, thank you for your
overwhelming vote of confidence in me.

- Edward, let's get back to work.
- Dad, I'm tired.

How about tomorrow?

Oh, I guess we can knock it off.

Well, you got algebra
down cold anyway.

Good night, Einstein.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Good night, professor. Ha-ha-ha.

Laura, I'm dead.

If I don't pull at least a
C on my midterm exam...

I'm gonna flunk algebra.

- I thought Dad was a math wiz?
- He is.

- Then what's the problem?
- I'm the one who's taking the test.

Guess you're out of luck.

Laura, if I flunk, Mom and Dad
won't let me go to the Prince concert.

You gotta help me.

I haven't had algebra yet.

There's only one person who
can help you now. Steve Urkel.

Urkel?

I'd rather eat worms.

He can teach you that too.

Rachel, I don't wanna hurt your
feelings, but that log cabin is pitiful.

Hey, give me a break...

I'm on a sugar high from
eating all those popsicles.

Aunt Rachel, hurry up. You're
holding up the homestead.

Honey, I'm almost done.

It took the pioneers less
time to build the real thing.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, honey.

Steve, did it ever occur to you
that when the door is closed...

we're trying to keep
unwanted people out?

Oh, I'd better lock it then.

He's such a thoughtful child.

Thanks, Estelle.

Laura's not here.

Well, actually, it was Eddie
who asked me to stop by.

- You're kidding?
- I couldn't believe it either.

I got so excited, I almost
stepped on my tarantula.

Eddie's in the living room.

Thanks. Nice diorama.
Except for that pitiful log cabin.

Judy, why don't you have
Rachel take a shot at it?

Hi, Eddie.

Urkel, thank
goodness you're here.

I couldn't believe you called
me. So, what are you up for?

TV? Parcheesi? A
little male bonding?

Steve, I need your help.

I'm flunking algebra and
I need you to tutor me.

Well, this is my busy season.

I'm trying to teach the
football team fractions.

Steve, I'm desperate.

If you don't help me, I can't
go to the Prince concert.

Check out these seats.

Third row. Wow, you
could get sweated on.

Will you tutor me? I'll
give you anything you want.

Really? Maybe we
can work something out.

What's that?

Standardized Urkel
Elementary Math Exam.

It helps to determine
how much help you need.

Okay, first question.

What do you get when you
multiply a negative by a negative?

A really big negative?

Uh-oh.

Second question.

Three times X equals
six, what is the value of X?

I know this one.

It's either a
number or a letter.

[LAUGHS]

Whoa.

This has never happened before.

I did good, huh? Ha-ha.

You didn't even
make it onto the chart.

Steve, tutor me. I'll give
you anything you want.

- Anything?
- Name it and it's yours.

We'll just say that
you owe me a favor.

In the meantime, I'll just
take these as collateral.

I would like to propose a toast. To
the most brilliant children in Chicago.

- You did great on your midterms.
- We're very proud of you.

Here, here.

Judy's teacher said she made the
best covered wagon in the whole class.

Really? What did she
think of my log cabin?

She loved it. I set it on fire
and called it an Indian attack.

Dad, why don't you sit down?

Because he doesn't
have a chair, that's why.

Oh, Carl, how's your
chair coming along?

Just great, Mama. With any
luck I'll be sitting by breakfast.

[SNIFFING]

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, honey.

Hi, Laura, my sweet.

Mm. Steak. You ever been
down to the slaughterhouse?

It's fascinating.

One minute: Moo.

The next minute, rump roast.

He's such a well-rounded child.

Eddie? Could we speak privately?

Sure, Urk. Excuse
us for a minute.

Come on, old buddy.

- I got a B.
- Hey.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, that's great.
Wonderful. Now, about my payment.

Anything, Urk. Anything
in the whole wide world.

- I want a date with Laura.
- Heh-heh-heh.

What's your second choice?

There is no second choice.

But, Urkster, be reasonable.

I want Laura on a
date this Friday night.

Laura, I've been thinking.

You know who's really a great
guy once you get to know him?

Steve Urkel.

- Urkel?
- Yeah.

You two kids really
have a lot in common.

If I believed that, there'd
be no reason to go on.

Laura, Steve was a great
tutor, but now I owe him big.

How big?

I promised him a date with you.

Really?

Are you out of your mind?

Have a heart.

A couple of measly hours of your
time could make his dreams come true.

And give me nightmares
for the rest of my life.

I can't go back on my word.

You should have promised him
something you could deliver...

like a ride on
the space shuttle.

Laura. Laura.
Listen to me, please.

It's finished.

I took this baby apart
and reglued every joint.

And now this chair is perfect.

Yeah, now it's a recliner.

Can I ask you guys a que...?

Can I ask you guys a question?

Did you ever go out with someone
just because you felt sorry for him?

Sure. How do you
think I met your dad?

Harriette, don't start with me.
I'm having a real bad week.

My worst date was a
chicken farmer, Lucas Hobbs.

He was a most pathetic man.
Always covered with feathers.

Why did you go out with him?

It was the Depression,
I needed a good meal.

Once he got me
in the rumble seat...

I didn't know whether
to kiss him or pluck him.

Harriette, remember when I
went out with Clarence Bibby?

Heh. Do I ever.

Everything that boy ever ate in his
life was stuck to his Hush Puppies.

I didn't know you were
the Hush Puppy type.

Oh. It was a mercy date.

He was hopelessly in
love with me. One of many.

So, Laura, honey, who's
the loser in your life?

Names aren't important.

Let's just say he's a world-class
nerd with no redeeming qualities.

Sounds like Steve Urkel.

[HARRIETTE AND RACHEL LAUGHING]

- It is. CARL AND RACHEL: Ooh.

That's not a mercy date,
that's a "Lord have mercy" date.

Mercy date? Steve
is a fine young man.

If I was a few years younger,
I'd give you a run for your money.

You want a head start?

[ALL LAUGHING]

So, Eddie, what time should
I pick up Laura Friday night?

Urkman. I was
just gonna call you.

[CHUCKLES]

Laura said no.

Hmm. Who should I
take to the Prince concert?

One of the guys
from the chess club?

Or Dr. Woo, my allergist?

Hi, Steve.

Hi, Laura.

I don't suppose I could persuade you
to change your mind about Friday night?

I can't believe I'm
saying this but...

I'll...

I'll go with you.

Whoa. Wow, this new
cologne must really work.

Laura, you're the bravest
sister a guy ever had.

This is incredible.

You won't be sorry, Laura. I have
a spectacular evening planned.

We're not going anywhere
until the ground rules are straight.

First of all, this is not a
real date, it's a non-date.

Second, no one must ever
know about this non-date.

Third, if you touch me at
any time, the non-date is over.

What if you trip or something?

Just let me fall.

The rest of the rules are
covered in this contract.

"No mouth breathing,
no snorting, no drooling."

Who does these things?
They're disgusting.

Where do I sign?

Carl, it's taking you
forever to finish that chair.

Well, Harriette, do you want
this fast, or do you want it good?

I don't think he's
got a shot either way.

HARRIETTE: Laura?

Laura?

Darn, you recognized me.

Well, it was either you or
the Phantom of the Opera.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, honey.

Hi, Laura, my sweet.

You look radiant.
These are for you.

Oh.

Oh.

I got nougat on my shoe.

Oh, no problem. I'll just
wipe it off on the curb.

Ready, my sweet?
Our limo awaits.

You rented a limo?

No. Well, actually, it's
my Uncle Ernie's hearse.

He's gonna drive us tonight. We
only have to make one quick delivery.

Let's get this over with.

Good night, everybody.

[CLATTERING]

Excuse me.

Doctor and Mrs. Urkel.

Just practicing.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
Yes, Monsieur Urkel.

Right this way, please.

Don't put us near the
kitchen or the bathroom, okay?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

I hate the sound of
flushing while I'm eating.

Don't you, my pet?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[GASPS]

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Nerd alert, Table 12.

This place is perfect. Nobody
we know would ever come here.

Right. It'll be
our special place.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

No. We won't be needing those.

I ordered ahead for the
specialty of the maison.

Yes, cuisses de
grenouille, excellent choice.

Steve, what did
you just order us?

- Frog legs.
- Are you okay?

[YELLING]

Watch it!

I hope their food is
better than their service.

Boy, do these guys know
how to sauté their amphibians.

- How about some dessert?
- No, thank you.

Every time we order another
course, you bring your chair closer.

I can't help it, Laura.

I'm drawn to you
like a moth to a flame.

A bee to a blossom.

A mouse to cheese.

Check, please.

Laura, you're the most
beautiful girl in the whole world.

And I'm the luckiest guy.

I only hope this evening
has been as magical for you...

as it's been for me.

Well...

it hasn't been that bad.

Only one more thing could
make this night even more special.

I was just hoping, well, if
it's not too much trouble...

I could have one small
kiss on the cheek?

That would involve touching...

which would be a clear
violation of our contract.

Yeah. You're right.

What was I thinking?

Why should you lower yourself...

just because it would
mean the world to me?

Oh, Urkel.

For you, it's just an
insignificant gesture.

In your lifetime, you'll go
out on hundreds of dates.

But for me, this could
be my one and only.

How do you like
that? I peaked at 13.

Okay, Urkel. One
kiss on the cheek.

Keep your hands on the
table where I can see them.

Don't move your
head and no puckering.

Thanks, Uncle Ernie.

Urkel!

There was nothing in the
contract about pictures.

Now we'll have a little
memento of our night together.

That's it. This
non-date is over.

Oh, but, Laura, my sweet.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Will somebody hand me
some marshmallows, please?

Carl, I hate to
say I told you so...

Then don't.

Hi, Laura, how did it go?

It was the most disgusting...

It was the most disgusting,
degrading, humiliating night of my life.

Oh. How was the food?

CARL: Laura. Look, I
know you had a bad night.

But someday you're gonna look back
at this night and see how funny it is.

Maybe from where you sit, Dad.

But right now, all I can see is
Urkel running out of the restaurant...

with the tablecloth
tucked into his pants.

- He did that?
- He practically leveled the place.

[LAUGHING]

I guess it was pretty funny.

- Here are your tickets.
- Thanks, Laura.

I've been thinking. Why don't
you go to the concert with me?

- You mean that?
- It'll be fun.

Thanks, Eddie.

Laura, you did a nice
thing. We're proud of you.

Yeah. And look at it this way.

Now that you've gone out with Steve,
he'll probably leave you alone for a while.

[RINGING]

- Hello? STEVE: Hi,
Carl. This is Steve.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

You've reached the Winslow residence.
There's no one home right now...

so please leave a message
at the sound of the beep. Beep!

STEVE: Laura, thank you
for our enchanted evening.

My cheek is still on
fire from your kiss.

And now that we're a couple...

I was hoping you'd wear
my medical ID bracelet.

By the way, the chess club is having
a formal weenie roast this weekend...

and I put us down for two.

[ENGLISH SDH]