Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Baby, You Knock Me Out - full transcript

When Peter receives tickets to a boxing match as a birthday gift, he volunteers Lois to compete. To everyone's surprise, Lois dominates in the ring, and Peter decides to become her fight promoter. Her frustration with Peter turns into motivation in the ring as the housewife turns champion.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x05 ♪
Baby, You Knock Me Out
Original Air Date on November 14, 2010

(Peter giggling)



(Peter guffawing)

LOIS:
Peter, what the hell
are you doing?

I can't sleep, Lois.

I'm too excited
for my birthday tomorrow.

(giggling)
Yeah!

Peter, would you get
in the damn bed?

I'm gonna have
the best birthday party ever.

I gave out
all my invitations yesterday.

Hey, Chris, um,
I was wondering

if you'd like to come
to my party tomorrow.

Thanks, Dad.
I'd love to--

Oh no! M-E-G.

Hey.

What are you guys
talking about?



Uh, nothing.
Sports!

Birthday sports!
No, just sports!

Oh. Okay.

Meg, you're not invited
to my party.

Happy birthday,
sweetheart.

Why don't you open your
presents while I cut the cake?

Whoa!

What planet is this?!

It's not a pla--
Peter, it's Earth.

It's a globe.

You use it to learn
where the countries are.

You gave me an educational toy?

What do you say
to Mr. Swanson?

(groans)
Thank you.

Hey, Dad. This came
in the mail for you.

where you can record
your own message.

Come on!
Open it up.

CLEVELAND (on recording):
Hi, Peter!

Happy birthday.

Just wanted to send
our wishes from Virginia.

Bye!

Okay, Donna, I'm done.

I'm gonna go mail this card.

(door opens)

(footfalls)

(car door closes, engine starts)

(radio turns on,
"Mmmbop" plays)

CLEVELAND (singing along):
♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop ba ♪

♪ Boom bop, ba dubie dop
ba boom bop ♪

♪ Dubie dop ba boom bop ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Mmmbop,
bi bada bop boom bop ♪

(police siren wails)

Oh, (bleep).

Afternoon, Officer.

OFFICER: Any idea
how fast you were goin'?

CLEVELAND:
Uh, no, sir.

OFFICER: You gettin' smart
with me, boy?

Where'd you get them wheels?

CLEVELAND:
Aw, come on, man.

OFFICER:
Step out of the car.

CLEVELAND:
But I ain't done nothin'.

OFFICER:
Hands behind your back.

CLEVELAND:
Hey, easy, watch it!

OFFICER: Come on.
Don't you fight me, boy!

Get down on the ground!

CLEVELAND:
Come on! No!

(running footsteps)

OFFICER:
Hey! Get back here!

(gunshot)

CLEVELAND:
Aah! My arm!

(running footsteps,
Cleveland panting)

This looks like
a safe place to rest.

(dogs barking)

OFFICER: I think
he went this way!

Peter, close
the card.

Yeah, I'm sure
he's fine.

(Cleveland screaming,
shots firing)

Here, Peter, why don't
you open my gift?

Ooh, Zales!

Eh, it's just
the box, Peter.

Tickets
to "Foxy Boxing"?

Yeah, it's this
cool thing

where girls in bikinis
box each other.

We're all going
Saturday night!

(bell clangs)

Man, would you
look at that?

Two smokin'
hot chicks

repeatedly striking
each other.

Yeah, it reminds me
of Thanksgiving.

Why does it remind
you of Thanksgiving?

'Cause this is where
I come for Thanksgiving.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?

We've reached that
part of the evening

when our house champion
takes on all challengers.

Any of you lovely ladies like
to try your hand in the ring?

Hey, Lois,
what do you think?

You want to fight
that lady's boobs?

What? No. I'm not
fighting anyone.

Oh. Well, good thing
I made this plaster mold

of your hand
and forearm.

Hey, buddy!
Over here!

I see a woman's hand
and forearm at table eight!

Damn it, Peter!

Please, Lois! Come on,
you got to fight her!

It's gonna be great!
Come on, Lois!

Get in there,
take her down!

Come on!
It'll be awesome!

I'd really like
to see that.

(sighs)
All right, all right.

If it'll shut
you all up, I'll do it.

(bell clangs)

All right, so how
does this work?

We gonna pretend
to hit each other

for a while, then maybe
kiss a little? Huh?

(laughing)

I'm terrible.

Hey, watch it.

That was pretty hard.

No, it wasn't.
Try this one.

Stop that, young lady.

I'm just out here for fun--

PETER:
Yeah, punch each other,
you whores!

Okay, you little bitch,
that's it!

You want to (bleep) with me?!

Let's go!

No matter what you do
for the rest of your life,

you'll always
be garbage.

(crowd cheering)

Oh, my God!

I didn't know Lois
had that in her.

Hey, is that
your wife?

You bet that's my wife.

Well, I got to say,
she's a natural.

You know, she could make some
serious money as a professional.

Wow, you-you
really think so?

Oh, sure. Women's boxing

is a rapidly growing
part of the field.

You should consider your
wife competing for a belt.

Well, she did look like she knew
what she was doin' up there.

Think about it.
Here's my card.

(chuckles)
What can I say?

I really like
watching her box.

That means
two things.

Hey, Lois,
congrats

on winning that
boxing match last night.

I saw your picture
in The Daily Growl.

Brian, The Daily Growl
is not a real paper.

What? Yeah, it is.

(squeaking)

(laughing)
I like that sound.

(squeaking)

Mom, since when
are you a boxer?

I'm not, honey.

Honestly, I don't know what
came over me last night.

It was just one
of those crazy things

that sort of happened
after a few drinks.

Morning, everyone!

Morning, champ!
Ya feelin' loose today?

Peter, what
are you doing?

What is all this?

I'm a fight promoter now.

And I got you another fight.

You're boxing tonight
at the Quahog Civic Center.

Are you out
of your mind?

No, Peter. That was a
one-time thing, all right?

I am not a boxer, and I'm
not fighting anyone else.

And that's final.

All right, well,
how about this, then?

I'll take you somewhere real
fancy and romantic for dinner,

just the two of us.

And in return, I get to try
and convince you to fight.

Well, going out for
dinner would be nice.

But I'm not
changing my mind.

Oh, gosh, I can't wait to
see this fancy restaurant.

Oh, you're gonna
love it, Lois.

Here, put on these special
eating gloves I bought you.

Why do I need to wear gloves
to eat in a fancy restaurant?

'Cause it's
so fancy that-that...

You know what?
I'm tired of this.

I booked you
a boxing match.

Son of a bitch!

Damn it, Peter. I told you,
I don't want to be a boxer!

Who the hell do you
think you are?!

There you go!
Use that anger!

Hey, remember when
I said I think it's hot

when you wear a sports bra
and gym shorts

underneath your dress?

Yeah?

Now, put
these shoes on.

Stop it,
you jackass!

I told you, I'm
not fighting!

I'm sorry, there's been
a terrible mistake.

My idiot husband here
booked this match

without my knowledge--

(bell clangs)

PETER:
She's from the
Ukraine, Lois!

She doesn't speak English!

All right.

(Lois speaking in
Ukranian dialect)

PETER:
She's from the other
part of the Ukraine!

It's a different dialect!

One, two, three.

Hey! Whatcha doin'
down there, Lois?

Aw, what's the matter?

Mad at little old me?

In your imagination,
I've got long eyelashes.

(growling)

(panting)

One! Two! Three!

Did you know where the Ukraine
was 'cause of my globe?

No, I saw it in a book.

You knew 'cause
of my globe, you dick.

Eight! Nine! Ten!

We have a winner!

(crowd cheering)

Well, what do you
think of that, Lois?

You still mad at me now?

Peter!
I feel great!

I've never felt
so in control.

I know the feeling.

It's how I feel when
I burp really loud

in an underground
parking structure

to assert my dominance.

(belches, belch echoes)

Says the king.

All right, kids, I'm off
to train at the gym.

Geez, Lois, you're really
taking this seriously, huh?

Well, yeah, Brian,
why wouldn't I?

I don't know,
you've just never

really been
the aggressive type.

I mean, you're usually
so measured and collected.

I know, Brian, but when
I stepped into that ring--

I don't know.
Something happened to me.

It's like I tapped
into this primal wellspring

of pent-up anger that
just needed to be released.

Really? What do you
have to be angry about?

Where are my flapjacks?!

Huh?

You will recall, last night,

ere I drifted off into slumber

with a nudie magazine
betwixt my legs,

I spake thusly:

"Lois, tomorrow morning,
I want flapjacks."

It was a simple message,
yet it has gone unheeded.

(low growl)

All right, Peter,
give me a minute.

For every five seconds
I do not have flapjacks,

I shall break one window.

Uh-huh.

Look, Lois,
it just seems to me

that this isn't necessarily
the healthiest thing

for a woman your age
to be doing.

(glass breaking)

Brian, I'm 42, I'm in
the prime of my life,

and this is what
I want right now.

You're sure
about that?

(glass breaking)

Meg, go make your
father some flapjacks.

(sighs)
Okay, Mom.

(glass breaking)

PETER:
This is crazy!

Is nobody really
making me flapjacks yet?

At this point, you guys are
being as irresponsible as I am!

("Gonna Fly Now" playing)

♪ ♪

♪ Gonna fly now ♪

♪ Flying high now ♪

♪ Gonna fly ♪

♪ Fly... fly! ♪

(punch cracks)

(gasps)
Ow!

Well, it's broken,
all right.

Well, you got
to fix her, Doc.

There's a big fight
coming up.

She's got to
defend her title.

Look, Peter,
I don't think

there's gonna
be any fight.

What are you
talking about?

Look at me.
I got a broken nose.

I think this is a sign
that maybe it's time

to hang up the gloves.

What are you,
out of your mind?

Whoa, don't you give me
that attitude, Peter.

Look, Lois, we're making a lot
of cash with this boxing thing.

And I need money
for bourbon and anime.

(slurring):
Well, I just can't understand
any of this.

Everybody in Japan

is either a ten-year-old girl
or a monster.

I don't care about
the money, Peter!

I don't care
about boxing!

The only reason I did
this in the first place

was 'cause of you!
What do you mean?

Peter, sometimes
you're so insensitive,

and you make me so angry, I just
want to clock you in the jaw.

Obviously, I
can't do that,

so boxing was
an outlet.

Wait, you mean the reason
you fight so good is...

Yeah, 'cause I'm making
believe I'm fighting you!

Wow. Am I that
much of a bastard?

Sometimes, yes.

Geez, Lois, I'm sorry.

I-I... I mean,
I don't mean to be,

I just...

Look, if you don't want
to fight anymore,

you don't have to.

Well, good.

A-And the truth is,
I suppose I kind of got

most of it out of
my system anyway.

Oh, I love you, Lois.

I love you, too, Peter.

Is it cool if I tell
your insurance

that I gave you
heart surgery?

Ladies and gentlemen,
in honor of her retirement

after 17 consecutive
victories,

I hereby dedicate this statue
to Quahog's greatest fighter,

Lois Griffin!

(whistling, whooping)

I'm also having
a celebratory keg party

back at my house later.

You can tell your parents
that my parents will be there.

(chuckles)
But they won't be.

(cheering)

And now a few words
from Lois Griffin herself.

Thank you so much
for coming, everyone,

and thank you for always
cheering me on at all my fights.

WOMAN:
Hey, Griffin!

Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson!
Who's that?

Only the deadliest fighter
in all of women's boxing.

She's killed three
people in the ring.

BRIAN:
Her fists are so dangerous,

she's not allowed
to be a lesbian.

I know why you're
retiring, Griffin!

You're scared!

Scared? Of what?

Of me! Look at these people,
giving you a statue

for fighting a bunch of bums!

If you're so great, why don't
you prove it? Fight me!

Look, I don't need
to prove anything.

I'm retired, and that's
the way it's gonna stay.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, man, you want
a real woman?

Why don't you bring
your pretty little self

over to my
apartment tonight,

and I'll show you
a real woman.

Oh, I'm ashamed!

Hey, that's my husband
you're talking to!

Yeah? Well, what are
you gonna do about it?

You gonna fight me?

Look, I already said...

Get down on your
hands and knees, fatty!

Yeah! Yes, sir!

Look at me, Griffin--
I'm milking me a cow!

Moo for me!

Moo.
Louder!

Moo!
Louder!

Moo...!
Louder!

(sobbing):
Moo...!

All right, that's it!

You want a fight,
you got one!

Now, you get your
hands off my man

before I break 'em off!

(bleep)!
It's my parents!

The party's off, everybody!

Get the (bleep) out of here!

Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up next, a boxing match

where the fighters are bleeding
before the fight?

We've got exclusive coverage of
tonight's women's boxing bout,

Griffin versus Jackson.

We're here live with contender Deirdre
Jackson outside her dressing room.

Deirdre, is it true you've
killed three women in the ring?

Tonight it's
gonna be four.

Are you saying you intend
to kill your opponent?

Let's just say you
don't want to miss round six.

(gasps)
Lois, you can't go out tre!

What? Why not?
Because if you step into that ring,

she's gonna kill you.

No, she's not, Peter.

What the hell kind
of talk is that?

Now, I'm gonna
win this thing.

Look, Lois, you don't
have to do this for me.

I know I make you
mad sometimes,

but I thought we agreed
you'd hang up the gloves.

I'll hang up the gloves
after I knock her ass out.

Peter, she milked
your boobs,

and there were a lot of
people I knew there.

Now, let's go.

MAN:
Butt scratcher!

Get your butt scratcher here!

Now, since this is
a televised boxing match,

I'm gonna be joined

by a horribly disfigured
former fighter

providing barely intelligible
commentary throughout.

Any thoughts on
the fight, Floyd?

Uh, I-I think that they're...
they're gonna have,

they are gonna be fightin'
Deirdre's last fight

in the contrast
to the later one

is gonna be bet-better
than usually.

And how do you think that
helps her chances tonight?

Well, the match lastin' the bout up
until the particular inaccuracy,

particular unusually that should
be the ultimate determining factor

in about the
12-round experience,

the heart of a champion
margarine hat.

Well, we'll be
watching for that.

We'll be checking in with you
throughout the night, Floyd.

And happy 23rd birthday.

You're welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?

Introducing tonight's fighters.

In this corner,
weighing in at 134 pounds,

the top-ranked boxer
in all of Rhode Island,

Deirdre "Action" Jackson!

(crowd jeering)

I think every Italian
in Quahog is here.

Yeah! Go, white girl!

Hey, yo, you're gettin'
your grinder on my grinder!

And in this corner,
weighing in at 130 pounds,

it's the Ovarian Barbarian

and the Breast of All Time,

let's put our hands together
for Quahog's own...

Lois Griffin!

(crowd cheering,
whistling, whooping)

Okay, here's the rules.

No hitting below the belt,

no rabbit punches,
no name calling,

no making trouble
for unconventional couples

who want to adopt babies,
'cause you know what,

they ain't gettin'
the good babies, anyways.

Okay, have a fun fight.

Ding, ding.

(bell clangs)

You think you're tough?

Well, let's see what you got!

(punches cracking)

(punches smacking)

(punches cracking)

(punches cracking, thudding)

Wow, she's really
hitting Mom hard.

Good.

(bell clangs)

(panting)

How you feeling, Lois?

(gasping):
She... she's too str...

she's too strong, Joe.

I don't stand a
chance out there.

All right, Lois, you listen
to me and you listen good.

I held your hand
during childbirth,

I watched you raise three kids
on a shoestring budget--

you never gave up then,
and you're not giving up now!

'Cause you're the toughest woman
I've ever met.

And if there was
a hall of fame for hearts,

yours would be the biggest one
in the whole damn building!

QUAGMIRE:
Peter, you're in
the wrong corner!

PETER:
Ah.

All right, Lois, you listen
to me and you listen good.

(bell clangs)
Damn it!

(crowd jeering)

Shut up!

Everybody shut up!

This took a lot of courage!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
here we are at round six--

the round that Deirdre Jackson
predicted she'd kill Lois Griffin.

What do you think, Floyd, is she
gonna make good on that promise?

A broken promise is a lot
like a child's pinwheel.

You have to b-be yourself,
or at least within the confines.

All right, well, let's see
what's going on in the ring.

(bell clangs)

Finish this.

(slow-motion, vicious grunt)

(crowd ooh-ing)

One, two...

Lois, stay down.
Don't get up.

You've got nothing to prove.

...five, six...

You get up, you die!

(fierce grunt)

I've had enough of you!

("Eye of the Tiger" playing)

(punches cracking, thudding)

("Eye of the Tiger" continues)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Risin' up ♪

♪ Back on the street ♪

♪ Did my time,
took my chances... ♪

Oh, get out of here.
Yeah, okay.

(punches cracking)

You're goin'
down, Griffin!

Not tonight, I'm not!

(grunts)

(slow-motion thud)

(cheering, whistling)

Lois! You did it!

I love you so much!

And the
winner is...

Lois Griffin!

Now, if everyone could just pick
up two chairs before you leave,

we can get this place
cleaned up a lot quicker.

Wow. Well, what do
you think, Floyd?

How did Lois Griffin do what
no other challenger could do

and knock out
Deirdre Jackson?

I-I have a strong headache when
I go to sleep and wake up.

And how do you think that's going
to affect Jackson's next fight?

My Puerto Rican
wife got fat.

Well, I gotta be honest,
Lois, I had my doubts,

but you really held
your own in that ring.

Thanks, Brian.
It was nice to go out a champion.

Well, we're real proud
of you, Lois.

And thanks to Deirdre,
I even got some of my own milk

to put on my cereal.

OTHERS:
Dad, come on! Oh, Peter!
Oh, for crying out loud!

What? I'm fun.