Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Welcome Back Carter - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry. ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Family Guy 9x03
Welcome Back Carter
Original Air Date on October 10, 2010

Oh, Lois, I'm so glad
you were able



to make it
to dinner tonight.

Oh, me, too, Mom.

We haven't seen
you in ages.

Oh, there you are.

Did you find
the new bathroom okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm so sorry about
your father keeping us.

He's probably down
at the dock

tinkering with that
darn yacht of his.

Oh, that's okay, Mom.

We'll just have to
entertain ourselves for...

Hey, Babs,
settle something for us.

I wanted to bring, um,
an owl on this trip,

but Lois wouldn't let me.



Could you have
accommodated an owl?

Well, I suppose there's
some room in the owlery,

but I can't be certain.

I'll take that as a yes.

You owe Dr. Hoo an apology.

Hey, can we change
the channel?

I'm tired of watching old ships.

Peter, that's not a TV,
it's a painting.

Actually, Lois,
it is a TV.

It's the PBS show
Old Ships.

Good, I hate PBS.

ANNOUNCER:
This PBS program is brought
to you by generous grants

from the Arthur Vining Davis
Foundations

and the John D. and Catherine T.
MacArthur Foundation

in association with

the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting,

with additional funding
by Archer Midland Whiteman

Colgate Palmolive,
Exxon Mobil,

and a 20 I found in a blazer
I wore to a wedding last year.

Tonight, on Ken Burns' nine-part
series on street signs:

"Part Four: Yield."

OLD MAN: Before they had the sign,
people just run into each other.

I don't know, maybe...
Maybe you had to see the first three

to get this, but I...
I am completely lost.

Lois, you said
there would be

other men my
own age here.

But there aren't,
and I'm bored.

Look, Peter, why don't you
just grab a book

off the shelf and be quiet?

No! Books are jerks.

Stop acting like a brat.

What about a picture book?

Only if it has a mirror
at the end of it,

and it says,
"How about you?"

Oh, wow,

look at these old photos
of you and Dad.

This must be
around the time

you guys were
first dating, huh?

Oh dear, yes.

Ah, your father was
so handsome back then.

I remember the day we met.

BARBARA: It was one of those lovely,
warm summer days by the shore.

Perfect giant beach ball
weather.

Would you like another
John Barrymore and soda?

Ah, yes.
Thank you, Clarence.

How are things
in Terriblehood?

Terrible, sir.

Good, good.

Ah! You dumb bitch!

BARBARA: My friend and I
held our breath,

wondering which one of us
he was talking to.

But the lucky one was me.

And from there,
our romance blossomed.

Boy, you can
take a punch,

but at the same time,
you cowered a little bit.

Now, that's a woman.

(giggles)

I love you, Pussycup.

I love you, too.

Now, let's kiss

while the camera pans
over to the drapes.

CARTER: Good stuff
happening over here.

All implied.

BARBARA: It was the happiest
time of our lives.

Unfortunately,
that was the year

the great war with Alaska
broke out,

and even Carter's lofty
connections

couldn't save him
from the draft.

(explosion)

In one of the bloodiest battles
of the war,

Carter nearly lost his life
in the battle

with the infamous,
walrus-backed Nanookwaffe.

(roaring)

But through all of it,

Carter never forgot
to write to me daily

to send his love
along with a mix tape.

CARTER: Babs, you want to spend
a mind-blowing afternoon?

Get stoned
and listen to this song.

WOMAN: ♪ Jeepers, creepers,
where'd you get those peepers? ♪

BARBARA: But after some months,
the letters stopped coming,

and I was certain
he had perished.

So I took up with a young dandy
named Rodginald.

He would bring me
small chocolates

and sit in my front parlor
and pitch woo at me,

taking my hand gently and
singing from bended knee

the popular songs of his youth.

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ and I will buy you
chewing gum. ♪

BARBARA: With no other
suitors to speak of,

I agreed that I would
marry him forthwith,

even though my heart
still belonged to Carter.

(elegant music playing)

I believe Rodginald knew this,
and he even tried to strike me

in the manner to which
I had become accustomed.

(hands slapping)

But it wasn't the same.

And then a miracle happened.

Babs!

Carter!

Oh!

Oh, Carter,
you're alive!

I've missed you so.

Babs, be my wife!

Oh, yes,
Carter, yes!

Hey, that's my gal!

Dear, sir,
I respectfully urge you

to prepare yourself
for one devil of a skirmish!

Oh, I always love hearing
that story, Mom.

I got a story about a fat guy
who's starving and bored.

Look, Peter,
if you're that hungry,

go down to the dock
and find Daddy,

and we'll get
dinner started.

You're not gonna get
dinner started.

She's gonna tell that sloppy
old Spanish maid to do it.

And she will, but only
because she needs money

to pay for medicine

for her prematurely overweight
son Diabeto.

Mama, may I have cookie?

No, Diabeto,
roll back to kitchen.

Oh...!

Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
dinner's ready!

Damn it, he can't hear me.

(Pewterschmidt laughing)

Ah, that was excellent.

When I clenched it,
you took your fingers away.

You were right
to do that.

Oh, my God!

(gasps)

Mr. Pewterschmidt,

you're having an affair?!
Ew!

No, no, this is my sister.

- Ew!
- No, no, no, I'm impotent.

- Ew!
- I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself.

Ew!

I mean, she's a man.

Ew!

We need more Es and Ws
down here now!

MAN:
We're trying!

We're running out of letters!

Just turn the Ms upside down
and send them down here!

You can't just do that!

There's a lot of paperwork
before you can...

I don't care!
I'll take the heat!

Just turn them over
and send them down!

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you're having an affair?!

Now, look, Griffin,
you better not breathe a word

about what you saw here.

But how can you be
having an affair?

What about Babs?

That's not your concern.

You didn't see anything.

Remember that
or I'll ruin you.

Okay, okay, I promise.

I'll be as quiet
as a church mouse.

Hey, Billy, I was
gonna have a party

at the rectory
this evening.

Do you like sacramental wine
and mouse Russell Crowe movies?

Oh, boy, do I!

Hey, can my sister come?

No! She'd ruin it!

Now, remember,
you keep your mouth shut

about what you saw.

Yes, sir,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Oh, there you are, boys.

Sorry, sweetheart,
I lost track of time.

Right, Peter?

(forced laugh)

I'm Peter.

Well, let's eat, huh?

You must be starving, Peter.

What am I, on trial here?!

Uh, maybe you should just
eat something, Peter.

Go on, put some food
in your mouth.

Y... Y... Yes, sir,
I sure will,

Mr. Cooterschmidt...
Pewterschmidt! Oh, God!

Peter, are you feeling all right?

Oh, he's fine.

You know how hungry a man
gets after a day at sea.

He eats with porpoise.

Ha-ha! Oop!

Peter, for God's sake,

you're always an embarrassment
at the table.

You should've seen him
when we had dinner

with Paul McCartney's ex-wife.

He kept playing footsie
with her under the table.

(giggling)

(loud thunk)

Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry!

Um, hey, guys?

Uh, I...
I got a problem.

- Um, you know how Lois has that dad?
- Yeah.

Well, we were there
the other night for dinner,

and I caught him cheating
with some bimbo.

- Oh, my God!
- You're kidding!

Anyway, he told me
not to tell anybody,

but I'm having a real hard time
not telling Lois.

How could you not?

Peter, once entered into,
marriage is a sacred bond:

An alliance blessed by God
and hallowed by the community.

That's why I'll never opt for
the matrimonial condition.

It wouldn't be fair to
the historical framework

of the institution.

But for those who do,
and then turn their back

on its long-standing
convictions? Shame!

This is unwelcome news, Peter.
Very unwelcome.

Yeah, I know,
but I don't know what to do.

It's really hard
keeping my mouth shut.

Actually, you know
something, Peter.

This... This could be
an opportunity for you.

- What do you mean?
- Well, Lois's dad is loaded.

Y... You could probably get him
to pay through the nose

to keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, you could really
milk this thing, Peter.

Huh, I never thought of it like that.

Wait a minute.
You're not serious.

That's totally unethical.

Yeah, Brian,
no one cares what you think.

Peter, you could
make him your slave!

Oh, man.
He'd hate that even more

than he hates sitcom
two-parters.

Tootie, it's 8:29!

Now either try that beer
or dump it down the sink! Wait!

Oh! Now, I have to wait a whole
week to find out if she gave in

to peer pressure
at that drinking party!

(door shuts)

Carter!
Carter, wake up!

(snorts)
It's o... It's okay, Lois.

Daddy's just taking
your temperature.

Wh... What?

Wh... What is it?

I heard a noise downstairs.

(sighs)
I'll go have a look.

It's probably just the wind.

The wind, dear.

Is that how you say that?

I've only seen
that word written.

(water splashing)

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Griffin! What the hell
are you doing in my house?!

Well, I was getting ready
to watch a movie on your big TV,

but first I thought I'd use
your hot bubbly toilet.

That's not a toilet!

Hey, when's it go down,
by the way?

It's just doing a lot
of loop-de-loops.

Get the hell out of there,
you son of a bitch!

Oh, no, no. No, you don't get
to talk to me like that anymore.

Not unless you want me to blab

about what happened
on the yacht.

What are you getting at,
Griffin?

That's right, you're gonna start
doing a lot of stuff for me.

Like what?

Well, for starters,

- you got more than one limo?
- Yeah.

You and me are gonna
do a limo joust.

What the hell is that?

All right, you ready?

I don't want to do this.

Go!
(tires squealing)

(tires squealing)

PETER: That went exactly
as I wanted it to go.

All right here's
your Mike and Ikes

with all the
Ikes taken out.

I hope you were careful,
'cause I swear to God,

if I find one Ike in there,
I'm going straight to Babs.

It's fine,
I double-checked.

Here's your Mikes.
What's next?

Next, I want you
to fly to France

and tell French people
that a good-looking,

depressed guy
smoking a cigarette

is not a movie.

(clearing throat)

(over loudspeakers):
People of France,

a good-looking, depressed guy

smoking a cigarette

is not a movie,

and your sirens sound like
gay guys having a threesome.

(European-style siren blaring)

All right, you got my
catch phrases for me?

I just want you to know
this was a huge pain in the ass.

"Peter's New Catch Phrases,
by Carter Pewterschmidt."

Title's all business.
I like that.

Also, I've been under
the weather lately,

so it may not be
my best work.

"Shape up
or show me your balls."

That's good.

Really?

How about this one?

"In your face, Nancy Grace."

Oh, I love it.

Oh, man, there are a lot
of good ones here.

"Fire alarm?
I am the fire alarm."

"Find your own
beach house, Crabby."

"Put that in your
office and frame it."

That last one's kind of lame.

Did you get down to the one
at the bottom there?

Which one?

- "On your mark, get set, terrible."
- No, this one here.

"If you've got a problem,
take it up with my butt.

He's the only one
that gives a crap."

- Oh, my God, that's it.
- Yeah.

- That... That's the one.
- I thought you'd like...

You are amaz...

LOIS:
Peter, dinner.

Take it up with my butt,

'cause he's the only one
who gives a crap.

LOIS:
Wow, what a great sentence.

You know, Lois,
I've noticed Peter and Carter

spending a lot of time
together lately.

It's nice to see them
finally getting on.

I know. Who would
have thought, huh?

PETER: Boy, I can't wait
to get this home.

You know, I keep not laughing
at The Big Bang Theory,

and I figure it's got
to be the television, you know?

TV this size... Forget it, it'll have me
laughing till I got snots falling out of my nose.

Carter, where are you
taking our television?

I'm giving it to Peter.

What?! Why?

Yeah, why, Carter?
(sighs)

(mechanically):
Because Peter is the best

and he is awesome and he makes
better laser sounds than I do.

(makes laser sounds)

Damn right.
You hear that, Lois?

And he's not just saying that

'cause I covered for him
about his affair.

What?

Carter, is this true?

Yes, it's true.

Oh... Oh, dear!
(cup breaking)

(sobbing)

Well, on your mark,
get set, terrible.

(laughing)

No, no, but I...
I understand that this is bad.

You stupid fat bastard!

How could you tell her
I had an affair?!

We had a deal!

Look, I think you're blowing
this out of proportion, Carter.

She's divorcing me!

Well, I don't blame her.

Daddy, how could you
do this to Mom?

You two were perfect together.

It was such a close marriage.

You know, maybe the two
of you splitting up

is a blessing in disguise.

I mean, there are obviously some
problems in your relationship.

Who knows, maybe some time apart
could be just what you need.

Yeah, plus think of all the fun stuff
you can do as a single guy.

Like... Like going to loud,
awful bars

and not being able to heart
the mediocre-looking chick

next to you say
something stupid.

It's going to be awesome.

I don't know how to do
anything like that.

It's easy.

I'll help you meet some women,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Come on, it's been fifty years
since I've been on a date.

Well, how'd you get that chick
on the boat, then?

You know how
in that movie

- Liam Neeson gets his daughter back?
- Yeah.

Well, that was one of the girls
their dad didn't get back.

What kind of joint is this?

Where's the cigarette girl?

Yeah, they don't
have those anymore.

Peter, I don't know about this.

I have no idea what women
are like nowadays.

Last time I was on the dating scene,

Joe McCarthy was on a rampage
looking for anything red.

Oh, back then I called
my penis Joe McCarthy.

Look, relax, will ya?

Here, I got these off a web site

that tells you good things
to say when hot women walk by.

Ooh, here comes a hot one.

Say the first thing on the list.

Um, I... I love getting
trendy cupcakes

in the middle of the
day for no reason.

No way. So do I.

Hi. I'm Paula.

Carter. How do you do?

Hey, why don't you
and your friend

come join us over
at our table?

Peter Griffin.
How do you do?

(sputtering laugh)

We would...
We would love to.

Hey, girls, these are
my two new friends.

Hello, ladies.
My name is Carter,

and I require a tremendous
amount of calcium.

Carter, come here.

Sit next to me.

Oh, this is...
This is fun.

We're having fun.

Hey, what do you say
we get some drinks?

Hey, boy, boy,

fetch me a John
Barrymore and soda

and three Myrna Loys
for the women.

(women gasp)

Excuse me?

What the hell is
your problem, you jerk?

What? Does he belong
to somebody else?

Come on, girls,
let's ditch this racist dick.

What happened?
Did we get laid?

You jackass. Those women
were coming on to you

and you blew it.

Now we got to go to another club
and start all over again.

Peter, I don't want
to go to another club.

I don't want women like that.

I... I want Babs.

Babs?

You got a room full
of chicks like that

and you're thinking
about Babs?

She looks like someone
farted in a shoe.

I had a moment of weakness, but I...
I know now that I was wrong.

I need her, Peter.

I love her.

You... You got to help me
get her back.

Well, it's probably
the right move anyway.

Those girls seemed
kind of annoying.

Look at them over there
taking a group picture together.

I love you!

I love you!

We're all such good friends!

You can tell by the way we're
pressing our faces together.

And that's where
fat girls come from.

All right, if I've learned
anything from romantic comedies

it's that the ex-wife always falls
in love with her husband again

after he befriends a little kid.

Okay.

And the kid needs
to be really cute.

So I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki.
(doorbell ringing)

Ah, there's the cute
little guy now.

Hang on.

(door opening)

PETER: Oh, my God!
What happened to you!

Oh! Oh! We... We got to
get you to the hospital!

Aah! Aah!
You're hideous!

Who did this to you?!

Oh, oh, where are my keys?

Where's my keys?!
Where are my keys?!

Peter, what about Babs?

Forget about yourself
for a second, Carter.

Look what has happened
to Jonathan Lipnicki.

Oh, yeah.

No, you're...
You're... You're right.

You should probably
take care of that.

I'll... I'll... I'll be...
I'll be here.

All right, look, Carter,

I think this will
definitely work.

Now as soon as she sees you,

you've got to do
exactly what I...

Hey, whose Duesenberg is that
parked in the driveway?

There's only one man I know
who drives a Duesenberg.

♪ And I will buy you
laudanum and rhubarb cakes ♪

♪ to balance out your
fragile body's humors. ♪

Oh, Babs, I don't
wish to overwhelm you

with my passions,
but I must say this.

I'm ever so content.

Oh, I am too, Rodginald.

Do you think perhaps one day,

if we should marry,
that I could sit beside you?

Yes, I think that would be fine.

Get away from my wife,
you rascal!

Oh, such language
in the presence of a lady.

If it's a row you want,
I will cleave you in twixt!

Hang... Hang on, Carter, I think
I know how to take this guy down.

Penis.

(gasps)

Carter, get out of here this instant!

I don't ever want to see you again.

Pussycup, please.

Mrs. Pewterschmidt, Carter has
something important to say to you.

I'll set the mood.

(singing romantically):
♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird ♪

♪ B-Bird's the word. ♪

♪ B-B-Bird, bird, bird, ♪

♪ B-Bird's the word. ♪

♪ Well, uh, don't you
know about the bird? ♪

♪ Well, everybody knows
that the bird is the word. ♪

Uh, Peter, I kind of want
to do this on my own.

Babs, I need you.

Cheating on you was the
worst mistake of my life.

I kneel before you a frightened soul
and a broken man.

A man who has nothing
without you.

Give me one more chance,

and I pledge to place above you
nothing... Not even myself...

For all my time here,
and for time forever.

Please, I beg you.

Carter, what you did
was unforgivable.

And as beautiful
as your words are,

I... I just don't know
that they can fix what's done.

I know I can't do it overnight,

but we can still have
a lot of years together.

Please, just let me try.

Carter, you had sex
with that woman.

So, no, I can't trust you.

But at my age, I'm certainly
not going to remarry either.

So, if you'd like
to move back in

and take things slowly,
one step at a time,

I suppose I can
give you the chance

to earn my trust again.

That sounds like a lot of work.
Go to hell!

Carter, what... What... What...
What are we here for?

What are we here for?

All right... All right, fine.

I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna try.

Come here, you.

Hey look, I found
a genie's lamp.

PETER:
Oh, no?

Okay, maybe next week.