Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Excellence in Broadcasting - full transcript

- What's wrong with the TV?
- Nothing, Chris.

All shows are wide-screen now, so you
can see the stuff you couldn't before.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
We now return to The Brady Bunch.

See, look. Here's what you used to see.

- Good night, Mike.
- Good night, Carol.

BRIAN:
And here's the stuff you missed.

[SINGING]
It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
Good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

ALL:
Lucky there's a family guy



Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

ALL:
He's a family guy

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane can't be with us. Where is Diane, Ollie?

- She dead. - Thanks, Ollie.
Diane's no longer with us.

She was shot by an unknown assailant
after she committed a series of murders.

I'd like to welcome new co-anchor,
Joyce Kinney. Welcome, Joyce.

- Thanks, Tom.
- Wow, you sound crazy nervous.

In local news, there was a hit-and-run
by a drunk driver today at Quahog Park.

Two children are missing.

[GASPS]

I was just there.

Oh, boy. Don't let Brian see this.



It says here that Rush Limbaugh will
be signing books at the Quahog Mall.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- He's awful.
- But I thought Rush Limbaugh...

is a fictional character
played by Fred Savage.

- Where did you hear that?
- Fox News.

Then it's a lie.
Everything Fox News says is a lie.

But this one's true, Mom.

You saw it with your own eyes
and then you reported it on Fox News.

Even true things,
once said on Fox News...

become lies.
- Why's Limbaugh coming here?

Don't they have bookstores
at the Nazi fascist fat camp...

where he go...
Where he is a counselor?

I tell you what, if you want,
we'll give you another crack.

This guy single-handedly set political
discourse back a hundred years.

Hasn't the right wing
done enough damage...

with the war and torture,
and the wholesale violation...

of our civil liberties? Back me up.

Oh, and the economy, right?
Back me up on this, you know?

[YAWNS]

I gotta scratch my joint.

I say, Chris, there may be something
to this pastime of manual self-stimulus.

They all laughed at me.

Huh. Let's see where this goes.

[BOTH MOANING]

- Wow, it went right there.
- You know what?

I'm gonna go there and give
that Limbaugh a piece of my mind.

First, I'm gonna sit here
and stare at this paper bag...

I'm pretty sure has food in it.

[SNIFFING]

PETER: No!
- Oh, well.

Look at him. His side
screwed up our country for a generation.

I hate that man.
I'm gonna go tear him a new one.

I'm gonna go find some hardcover
photography books of tasteful nude.

Hey, who should I make this out to?

Make it to Charmin,
because that's how I'm gonna use it.

Charmin. Is that with an S-H or?

Wait a minute, that's not nice.
You're saying my book is fecal matter.

I'm saying it's toilet paper.

Limbaugh, my name is Brian Griffin
and I've got something to say to you.

Our republic has been bastardized
and royally screwed...

thanks to you jackasses. You suck.

And you're terrible. And you've div...
You've been divorced several times.

Yes, valid points, my friend,
and I respect you for raising them.

- But may I ask you a question?
- Okay.

Have you ever read
anything I've written?

Well, no, I haven't.

But I've read things
about the things you've written.

I do not approve
of things I've read from others...

about the things they've read
from you.

For crying out loud, Brian,
read my book. Judge for yourself.

I'd sooner spend a night
watching European porn.

[MAN AND WOMAN SHOUTING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Stupid right-wing dick.

Yeah...
"Hey, you wanna sign my book?

Yeah, you can sign my ass book,"
is what would've been awesome to say.

Oh, no. It's a multiracial TV gang
including white guys.

Well, well, what do we got here?

Let's beat him up. But not because
of his color. That doesn't matter to us.

[BRIAN GRUNTING]

- Wow. Thanks, Rush.
- It was nothing.

- You would have done the same thing.
- Uh, yeah, of course.

Hey, you dropped something.

You think
you might give it a read now?

- Uh, well...
- What if I stick a piece of bologna in it...

and I don't tell which page?
Would you read it? Would you read...

to find the page with the bologna?
- Okay, look, I'll read four pages tonight.

All right, four pages. That's it.

And maybe more if tonight's episode
of The Office ends up sucking.

Ah. Four pages. Done. Moving on.

DWIGHT [ON TV]: I know my staplers
by sound and by weight.

And that stapler, good sir,
is a Schrute.

Ha! Look at John Krasinski
look at the camera.

He can't believe this guy.

But there were gonna be
more high jinks in Scranton.

Heh-heh-heh. Scranton.

Dunder Mifflin.

Funny words are funny.

Oh, my God.

Rush Limbaugh was right all along.

Conservative Republicanism
is the answer.

Good. Good for Brian.

Brian, look at this.
Now, this is a tasteful nude.

It's called "A Saucy Outing
in Tottenham Court Square."

Brian, are you reading
the new Rush Limbaugh book?

I picked it up at the mall.
I can't believe I'm saying this...

but this might be the best book
I've ever read.

- Brian, you gotta be joking.
- No, I mean it, Lois.

I've never read any of Limbaugh's stuff,
but this book makes an excellent case...

for personal accountability, fiscal
responsibility, and steak eatership.

But you're a hard-core Liberal.

Rush Limbaugh
is a right-wing extremist.

- He stands for everything you despise.
- My loyalty is to reason, Lois.

As a reasonable person, I reserve
the right to change my mind...

when presented with information
that alters my perspective.

I gotta tell you,
I had this guy all wrong.

I mean, some of the stuff in here is...
Hey, bologna.

Thank you, friends. It's always a pleasure
to meet regular, real Americans.

- Love the Hummer. How do you like it?
- It is the best.

I'm not saying you have to be gay
to drive something else.

But if you drive something else,
you're probably a guy...

who likes to pleasure
other men sexually.

Hey, it's my new friend, Brian.

Hi, Rush. Listen, I have to tell you,
I read your book...

and it was very persuasive.

I knew you'd like it
and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Oh, I more than enjoyed it.
Every page just spoke to me.

And, you know, talking to you now,
I just...

I wanna find the right words
to describe how much I agree with you.

I got the words: Thank you
for doing my thinking for me.

Because I lack the ability
to think critically and independently.

- Yes, that.
- You should be proud of yourself.

- You sound like a thoughtful American.
- I'd love to pick your brain some more...

and hear your other thoughts
about this country.

I can do even better than that, Brian.

[CHATTERING]

Wow. Never thought I'd set foot inside
Republican National Headquarters.

- This is amazing.
- And it gets better, Brian.

I'm gonna introduce you
to some of my pals here.

Brian, meet George W. Bush.

Hey, Georgie.

Uncle Rush.

Hey, whoo, you are getting heavy.

I know. I'm 64 and three-quarters.

You sure are, slugger.

Hey, you got one for me?

- What? What are you talking about?
- Oh, come on, Uncle Rush.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Come on.

Oh. Wait a second.

Yay! Yippee!
Thanks, Uncle Rush. Don't tell my dad.

Rush, you're not giving him sweets,
are you?

- Goddamn it.
- What's the harm?

He's gonna be pooping
all over his sheets...

and I'm gonna have to deal with it.
- Hey, there, Rush. How you doing?

Hey, John. Hey, I'd like you
to meet my friend, Brian.

Brian, John McCain.

Gosh, it sure is a pleasure,
Mr. McCain.

- How do you two know each other?
- Rush and I used to solve mysteries...

back in the day.

I don't understand, John.

The groundskeeper said
he saw the mummy burning the flag.

- But mummies don't hate America.
- They sure don't, Rush.

But Democrats do.

Uh-oh! Democrats!

Oh, it's okay, Hot Dog.

But I think it's time
we unravel the mummy and the mystery.

I don't get it, John. How's a pig
gonna help us lure the mummy?

Rush, I've never known a Democrat
to pass up pork.

[MOANING]

Gotcha.

Now let's find out who you really are.

BOTH:
It's old man Barney Frank.

I would've gotten away with it too,
if it weren't for you Republicans.

Thanks for all your help, Globetrotters.

That was a cold swish. Put her there.

No, no, no.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Look, Brian, all I'm saying is,
it's not normal for people...

to change their political views
so radically overnight.

Lois, no offense, but you don't know
what you're talking about.

You're not exactly a fountain
of political knowledge yourself.

- Wanna know what I think is happening?
- This should be rich and overtaxed.

I think you just gotta be
in the out group.

Whoever's on top, whoever's in power,
whoever's successful...

you gotta be on the other side
or you don't feel like the smartest guy.

All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.

Oh, please,
you could not be more off base.

Oh, yeah? What did you think
of the movie Titanic?

- Horrible. One of the worst movies.
- How about Slumdog Millionaire?

- Overrated. Just a terrible movie.
- Cocktail?

Actually, not a bad film. You know,
as classically structured cinema...

Cocktail's one of the best of its era.
- You make me sick, Brian.

If I were you, I'd stow that attitude...

because Rush Limbaugh
is coming over for dinner tonight.

Lois, this dinner looks delicious.

Oh, well, thank you.

Dig in, everyone.

Hang on,
I think you're forgetting the grace, Lois.

[SIGHS]

Dear God, who definitely exists...

we, your people, who have been
on this planet for 6000 years...

and not a second more,
thank you for this bounty...

and for keeping Congress
predominantly white, amen.

So, Rush, I see you made it here okay.

Driving on roads built with public funds
by the government.

Yeah, what about that, Rush?
I guess the government's pretty good.

Actually, I took the toll roads.
Privately built.

Way smoother
than the crumbling public road system.

Yeah, government sucks
at doing stuff.

Oh, no, toll roads sound great.

Too bad only the very rich
can afford to use them.

- I agree with Lois.
- Maybe more people could...

if government wasn't taxing
the bejesus out of them.

Now I agree with Rush. I'm too stupid
to make up my own mind.

Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, Rush.

Hey, Rush, who'd win in a fight
between you and Oprah?

You know, it was a draw. We destroyed
most of downtown Tokyo...

and then she walked sadly
back into the sea.

So nice weather today.

Yeah, unseasonably cool.

I guess we can forget
that whole global warming myth.

Global warming is not a myth,
you son of a bitch.

- What the hell are you so hostile for?
- Because you brainwashed our dog.

Hey, listen, sister, I just...

[FART]

- I'm sorry.
- Look, all I did was expose Brian...

to a different way of thinking. He...
I'm gonna move over here.

- He embraced it on his own, Lois.
- Well, after Rush opened my eyes.

I am seeing the world
in a whole new way now.

To quote a famous troublemaker,
"I have a dream..."

[SINGING]
I dream of Republicantown

Where men to the right of the aisle
Don't back down

The streets are aglow
With the smell of apple pies

And babies come out of the womb
In coats and ties

- Nice place, huh, Rush?
- It's a paradise, Brian.

Trees grow from Republican sod

And everyone prays
To a proper right-wing God

- Republican Catholics?
- Yes, indeed there are

- Republican Muslims?
- Well, let's not go too far

- No Muslims?
- No, too many tall buildings.

They've outlawed all abortions

Late or early

It's a sin we can't abide

What if you find a fetus
Left abandoned

We just take it
And we jam it back inside

Oh, yes
'Cause I dream of Republicantown

The place where the happiest smile
Is Cheney's frown

I'll bet you a buck
You won't find a damn thing wrong

'Cause when you come down to it
This is where we all belong

- Who else lives here?
- Oh, big names, Lois.

We're watching Republican stars

Like sweet Mickey Rourke
And his gorgeous right-wing scars

- Chuck Norris is one
- And he's got a right-wing beard

- Jon Voight is another
- He's just right-wing weird

His... His daughter's pretty hot,
though.

At one time, Brian, at one time.

But how about global warming

It's a snow job

By Obama and his crew

But aren't all his findings

Backed by science?

Careful, Lois

- Now you're sounding like a Jew
- Oy!

We dream of Republicantown

Where Clinton is viewed
As a crazy commie clown

A place where America's
Growing free and strong

Because when you come down to it
This is where

We all belong

Well, I got to tell you,
I'm not buying any of this crap.

Rush, we want our dog back.

Hang on. What are you saying? I don't
have a mind of my own? Insulting.

And you know what? I don't like the way
you've been talking to Rush.

I thought you were my friends.

But if you can't accept me
now that we disagree about things...

then maybe you aren't the friends
I thought you were. I'm moving out.

- What?
- Again?

I'm gonna go stay with Rush Limbaugh.
Right, Rush?

- Huh?
- I'm gonna stay with you.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. That's fine.

Oh, this is a bad idea.

But I guess sometimes
Fox has bad ideas, huh?

Let's all just sit here for a moment
and remember that this was a thing.

Morning, Rush.
Thanks again for letting me stay here.

Oh, it's not really any trouble, Brian.
What do you figure, just a few days?

Oh, man, who knows?
It's just so good to be out of there.

I've been reading all your books
and I so 100 percent agree with you.

What is going on with this country?
I mean, wake up, America.

I mean, these taxes, right?

I mean, am I right about the taxes,
you know?

Yeah, taxes are pretty high.
Is that a new coffee machine?

I took the liberty
of replacing your old one...

with a new American-made
coffee machine.

In fact, I got you a bunch of new
top-notch, American-made stuff.

What else did you buy?

Oh, a couple things.
That light fixture.

New heat regulator on your stove.
Your man bra.

[BRA SNAPS]

Your garbage disposal.

Your dishwasher.

And your new cat.

[MOOING]

You're listening
to The Rush Limbaugh Show.

Wanna take a moment to give a shoutout
to my good friend, Ken Lay...

faked his own death,
listening in on a ham radio...

somewhere in international waters.
Smooth sailing, Kenny Boy.

[WHISPERING]
Hey, Rush, is it okay to hang out in here?

Wha...? All right, fine.
Just don't say anything, okay?

So, friends,
we were talking about Nancy Pelosi.

How do we stop her?
How do we stop the Pelosi agenda?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'll tell you how. Strap her to a board...

put a cloth in her mouth
and pour water over it.

Yeah, small government.

And why don't we
take a short break here.

Folks, we'll be right back.
Brian, are you nuts?

- What kind of show you think I'm doing?
- What...?

Come on, Pelosi's a monster.
She's addicted to crack.

- Come on, you're with me on this.
- Of course, but you can't just say that.

You gotta lead people there
with an argument...

so they arrive at it.
- Man, we gotta tell people how it is.

- Gotta get them on board.
- Brian, there is no victory...

unless people know why they're wrong
to disagree in the first place.

Boy, do you sound soft.

- What the hell's your problem?
- My problem?

Right now, my problem seems to be
that I am talking to a Pelosi lover.

- What?
- Yeah, that's right. You love Pelosi.

You know what?
It's time for you to go. Right now.

Fine. I don't have to waste my time
with a softie.

You call yourself a Republican?
Republicans don't shy away from a fight.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

A-ha!

- Who are you? How did you get in here?
- Shut up, Pelosi.

- Are you here to take my baby?
- I'm here to strap you to a board...

put a cloth in your mouth and pour
water over it to simulate drowning.

Yeah, traditional values.

Griffin, you've been bailed out.

Oh, Rush, thank God.
Boy, you got down here quick.

Yeah, I keep Strom Thurmond's corpse in
the front seat so I can use a carpool lane.

- Oh. Okay, well, come on, let's go home.
- Great idea.

Time for you to go home.
Home to the Griffins.

What...? What do you mean?

That's where you belong, Brian.
You're not a conservative.

That's not true. I am conservative.

I support the death penalty
to show people killing is wrong.

That's great, Brian. Look, I make a living
persuading others to join my side.

But I'd never ever want somebody
to be something they're not.

You're a liberal, Brian.

I mean, what about that 4-year-old
that was executed in Texas?

There was a 4-year-old
executed in Texas?

Not really. But you see, Brian, your
concern betrays you. I know your type.

It's not coincidence you turned
your back on your principles...

when Democrats
became the political establishment.

You want something to fight against.

I mean, I suppose
we shouldn't be executing children.

You see? You're not really one of us.

Oh, my God.

Lois was right.

Right there. The fact you would
give a woman credit for anything...

it means you're a liberal, Brian.

It's time for you
to spread your two left wings and fly.

Does this...?
Does this mean I'll never see you again?

Oh, I'll be around.

Wherever there's a rich white guy in
need of another tax break, I'll be there.

Wherever there's a brain-dead woman
in need of expensive life support...

her husband doesn't want,
I'll be there.

Wherever there's a country
to be invaded...

for reasons that don't exactly pan out,
I'll be there too.

Oh, yes, I will be around.

Hey, Limbaugh.

I think you're a boneheaded, fascist,
corporate-shilling blowhard.

Look, you little smart-ass, I think you
are a godless, socialist, pot-smoking...

maggot-infested member
of the blame-America-first crowd.

And I think
you want the terrorists to win.

[INHALES]

[English - US - SDH]