Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 12 - The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair - full transcript

Meg takes care of Joe while Bonnie is away, and develops a crush; Stewie creates an evil clone who escapes the house.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, hi, Bonnie.
What's up?



Hi, Lois, um,
I hate to bother you,

but I'm going out
of town for a few days

to visit my father
in the hospital.

I was hoping that
while I was gone,

you could look in
on Susie and Joe.

And go have sex with Quagmire.

Quagmire!
Quagmire!

Aw, shucks, you can't
blame a guy for trying.

Giggity-giggity-giggity!

(squeaking)

Well, of course, Bonnie.
I'd love to help.

Meg, sweetie?

Yeah, Mom?

Bonnie wants you to look
after Susie and Joe



while she's out of town.

What?! Why me?!

I don't want to
have to do that.

And Bonnie said
you are very pretty.

But I... How did
that come up?

Oh, y-you know...

we were talking
about pretty people.

And... and I said
Rachel Maddow,

and she kind of took the baton
from there and said Meg Griffin.

Who's Rachel Maddow?

A model.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll do it.

(laughing)

Whoops.

Oh, hey, uh, excuse me, fella?

Yeah, what do you want, shrimp?

Oh, just a few moments
of your time.

Hang on.

Let me just get
this little guy assembled.

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doodie, doo. ♪

So where you from?

Newburyport.
What's it to you?

Oh, I'm just always interested
in where people are from.

Everybody's got a story,
that's what I believe.

All right, I think
we're all set here.

(laughing)

Wow. Never seen
that happen before.

What the devil happened here?

I've assembled that
rifle a million times.

Well, I don't know
if it's just the rifle.

What are you talking about?

I think you're going soft.

I mean, when was the last time
you tried to blow something up,

or take over the world,

or even used the phrase,
"Damn you"?

Hey, I got a lot
on my plate, man.

I'm learning to use the toilet,
I'm learning what shapes are.

I-I spent half an hour laughing
at my own feet yesterday.

Yeah, you're losing it, man.
You're losing your edge.

Well, I don't care
for your tone

and I'd say you deserve a good
kick in the... (laughing)

Oh, look!

Oh, Brian, look at them!

JOE:
Come in.

Drop it, creep-o!

Don't move, Catherine Deneuve!

Freezerino, Paul Sorvino!

What are you doing,
Mr. Swanson?

I'm tryin' out
some cop entrances.

Oh, well, I'm here to help
you out while Bonnie's gone.

Oh, great.

Uh, do you have any experience

helping out people
with special needs?

Well, I did work for that
old lady down the street.

Meg, could you come
here, please?

What is it?

Could you see if I'm getting
a bed sore on my back?

Sure.

It looks fine to me, ma'am.

Thank you, dear.

I must have just
slept on it wrong.

(laughing)

I stole Meg's cutaway.

(whooshing)
What the hell is going on in here?

Well, Brian, I thought
about what you said

at the park, and I've
decided you're right.

I have gone soft.

I've lost my sadistic streak.

So I've built a concentrated
neural enhancement device,

designed to boost my evil side.

All right, shall we take
this thing for a spin?

Now, when I say so,
hit that button.

Okay, hit it.

(electronic whirring)

(whirring grows louder)

(whooshing)

Well, how do you feel?

I don't know.

I don't feel any different.

Well, why don't you
try insulting me?

Yeah, okay.

Um, sometimes you
chase helicopters.

That's kind of lame.

Yeah. Um...

Besides, I do that
to protect the house.

Helicopters are going to hurt
us, and I make them stay away.

You know what?
Didn't look at it that way.

Thank you for protecting us.

Look, your machine
obviously didn't work.

It just needs a few
adjustments, that's all.

Come on, help me get
some of Peter's tools out

of the "gay-rage."

(electronic whirring)

(beeping)

♪ ♪

...97, 98, 99, 100.

Ah, thanks, Meg.

I really appreciate you helping
me out these past couple of days.

Sorry I bit you yesterday.

That's okay.

I guess now I know not to get
too close to your bowl, right?

(chuckles)
Yeah.

I know you're not trying to hurt
me, but part of me doesn't know.

Oh my God, is it ten of 8:00?

Aw, damn it, I missed the bus.

Oh, well, that's
all right, Meg.

I can drive you to school.

That'd be great. Thanks.

So, uh... how are
your academics going?

Good. Real good.

That Puerto Rican street
gang give you any trouble

on your way home from school?

What Puerto Rican street gang?
You're welcome.

Oh, hang on,
there's a red light.

Got to hit the brakes.

(exhaling)

So, um...

I hear you teenage girls are
pretty hot on that, uh...

Nic Cage.

Uh, no, not really.

Okay.

Hey, can you tell me
what Lady Gaga is?

Is that a band, or a
soda, or a store, or...

one of those terms
like "donkey punch"?

No.

Is it a douche?

Is Lady Gaga a douche?

I don't think so.

Well, whatever it
is, I like it.

Ah, green light.

(blowing nose)

Is... is it hard
being a paraplegic?

Well, it's no picnic.

Unless your version of a picnic
is being the basket.

Well, you seem like you have
a good attitude about it.

Yeah, you know, it's like we
handicapped people say:

"When life ruins your legs,
you just gotta make legonade."

I can sort of relate to that.

You know, sometimes
it's really hard being me,

and I guess I just
make Megonade.

That sounds disgusting.

All right, we're here.

This is my school.

Yeah, isn't that where
you wanted to go?

Well, y-yeah, but...

most times people just
drop me off a block away

so they don't have
to be seen with me.

Aw, that's gay.

I don't mind being
seen with you.

You don't?

Of course not.

Wow.

Well, I-I better go,
I don't want to be tardy.

Ah, that's not going to happen
from missing one class.

People are born that way.

Now run along,
or you'll be late.

Hey, who's that,
your boyfriend?

(cackling)

Yeah.

Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

Meg, you're here early.

Oh yeah, I just
wanted to make sure

you got a nice hot breakfast
before you head off to work.

Oh. Well, thanks.

What's with the getup?

Oh, nothing.

I just wanted
to look sexy for Susie.

How are your eggs, Joe?

MEG: If he doesn't say anything
about me calling him "Joe,"

that means we're truly in love.

JOE:
She just called me "Joe."

That's kind of weird.

But I'll just let it slide.

She's got nothing going on.

Besides, what harm could it do?

They're delicious,
Meg. Thanks.

You're welcome, Joe.

JOE: Ah, (bleep), I should have
said something.

MEG:
He let me say it twice now.

It's like we're married.

PATRICK STEWART:
This is Patrick Stewart.

How are you liking
the program so far?

Aah! Oh, geez, you scared me.

What happened to your clothes?

Hey, what are you doing?

(screaming)

(gagging)

(labored breathing)

Brian, have you seen...?

Whoa, what the hell
happened to you?

Easy, easy, man, easy.
(whimpering)

(gasps)

What the hell is your problem?!

Me? What did I do?

You're the one going all
Michael Hutchence over here.

You just stay away
from me, you psychopath.

Hey, ow.

Look, I don't know
what's going on here,

but don't be throwing things,
because that's just not safe.

(gasps)
What?

Oh... my... God.

Good Lord!

I... am a genius.

What... what is it?

Don't you see, Brian?

My machine did work.

It created an evil clone of me.

That's why I didn't
feel more evil...

all the evil energy
went into him.

Well, kill it.
It almost choked me to death.

I shall do
no such thing, Brian.

It must be studied.

If I can decode the genetic
puzzle of this being,

perhaps I can determine
how to apply it

to my own neurological makeup.

Evil Stewie, come with me.

We're going to run
a few tests on...

(bone crunches)
(yelling)

(grunting)

(gasps)

(whimpering)

(yelling)

(screaming)

(grunting)

(coughs)
(Brian screaming)

(screaming continues)

(tires squealing)

Oh, my God, a baby!

Are you okay?!

(tires squealing)

Hi, honey.

What?

What'd you say?

I just said hi.

Is that, uh... is that
Bonnie's dress?

Oh, yeah.
Susie spit up on me,

and I didn't want
to go all the way home,

so I just threw this on.

I hope that's okay.

Yeah, it's fine, I guess.

Oh, here's that
juice box you asked for.

Oh, thanks, Meg.

Oh...
What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that I like
to put the straw in myself.

Oh, I-I'm sorry. Here.

Yeah.
It's not the same now.

I'll, uh, I'll just get
another one.

(phone rings)

I'll get it!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Meg, it's Bonnie.

How is everything going there?

Oh, great.

Has Joe died?

What? No.

That's good.

I was just calling to tell him
my father is recovering well

and the doctors say
he'll be fine.

That's great. I'll tell him.

I'll be flying back
first thing in the morning.

That's great, too.

Okay, bye, Bonnie.
See ya tomorrow.

Bye.

Who was that?

Oh, uh, prank call.

Oh, yeah, I, uh, get
a lot of those.

I can never figure
out who it is.

Who is this?

PETER: Wheely-wheely stupid head,
but you wish that you were dead.

Listen, I don't know who
this is,

but you better cut it out!
I'm a cop, you know!

Oh, what, are you gonna report
me on your can't walkie-talkie?

I'm gonna hang up now.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

I got three more of these
I wrote on a napkin.

(sighs) All right, three more.

(snoring)

(jet engines roar)

(beeping)

Ma'am, is this your bag?

I don't know how that cocaine
got in there.

Ma'am, this bag contains
a concealed weapon.

I'm gonna have to place you
under arrest.

Oh, my goodness,
how did that get in there?

You're gonna have
to come with us, ma'am.

(handcuffs click)
What happened to the coke?

There's no coke in here.

Oh, (bleep),
Ricardo's gonna kill me.

This is nice, Joe.

A night out, a good dinner.
Thank you so much.

Well, I wanted to do
something special.

Show you how much I appreciate

all the hard work
you've been doing.

Oh, it's been my pleasure.

So, listen, there's something

I wanted to talk to you about.

What's that?

Do you ever think
about having another baby?

I don't know.

I guess I'm open to it.

Really? Oh, that's great!

So, I'll get off the pill...

What do you mean?

Nothing. Nothing. Forget it.

I-I think I'm just
a little scattered tonight.

I'm probably just PMS-ing.

Oh, grody.

Hey, this is supposed
to be a fun night.

What's wrong with you?

You know, I could ask
the same of you.

We haven't made love
in two weeks.

We haven't made love ever!

(crying)

Oh, great!
Now you've upset the baby!

(gasping) Oh, God! Oh!

PATRICK STEWART: This feels right, but
it tastes like a dirty penny.

This is ridiculous.

Evil Stewie could be anywhere.

You know, this really
is all your fault.

If you hadn't told me
I was going soft

I wouldn't have
created Evil Stewie,

he wouldn't have escaped

and we wouldn't be trying
to track down a murderer.

For all we know he could be
killing someone else right now.

(normal pitched):
Oh, no.

(deep voice):
Oh, no.

(high-pitched):
Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

(groaning)

Listen, guys, I got
something to tell you.

And I don't really know
how to break it to you,

so I'm just going to come
right out and say it.

Meg has a crush on me.

(both laughing)

Oh, my God!
Get over yourself!

Well, look, all I'm saying is,

I remember when Brian had
a similar difficulty with Meg.

Maybe she's prone to quick
and severe infatuation.

Yeah, with a dog,
not a cripple.

Hey, easy there.

All right,
look, maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I misread a few
of Meg's signals.

Sorry I bothered you.

Excuse me, Lois, I have
to go make a phone call.

(phone dialing)

Hey, wheely stupid head,

I heard you think
Meg likes you.

JOE:
Who is this?!

How are you getting
this information?!

(sniffs)

Oh, my God, Joe was here.

Yeah, he just left.

I know. I can feel him.

I can smell him.

Mm, I can taste him.

Okay, I get the smell part.

But, Meg, I think we
have to have a talk.

Sweetheart, you don't...

you don't have a crush
on Joe, do you?

Um... I don't know.

Oh, my God, you do have
a crush on him.

What, Mom?
Why shouldn't I like him?

When I'm with him,
he makes me happy.

And he needs me.

Oh, Meg,
you're fooling yourself.

It's classic
Florence Nightingale Syndrome.

You're taking care of him
and you're feeling a closeness

that you're misinterpreting
as a romantic connection.

But think about it, Meg.

You two have nothing in common.

You know, you're right, Mom.

I hear you loud and clear.

(thumping)
(screaming)

(tires squealing)

Meg, what the hell did you do?!

I made us the same, Joe.

We're exactly alike, you and I.

Now we can be together.

My God, we have to get you
to the hospital.

(siren wailing)
(tires squealing)

No, but I mean after
soccer practice.

You got anything
planned for then?

(siren wailing)

I mean, nothing, nothing.

Keep walking.
You don't know me.

The doctor says
you're going to be fine.

And your family's on the way.

But that was a crazy
thing you did, Meg.

I know.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

I just wanted us to be closer.

Look, Meg, I do care for you,

but I care for you like
I... I would a niece

or a good friend's daughter.

(sighs)
I feel like such an idiot.

Don't. I'm lucky
to have you as a neighbor,

and even luckier
to have you as a friend.

Thanks. I'm lucky
to have you as a friend, too.

(sighs)
When is Bonnie coming home?

I have to apologize to her.

Well, you can
apologize right now.

Hi, Meg.

Bonnie, I'm so sorry
I got you arrested.

No, it's all right, Meg.

Look, I was a teenage girl
with a crush at one time myself.

I know sometimes
it makes you lose touch.

Thanks for being
so understanding.

I-I hope I didn't get you
into too much trouble.

I mean, you're not gonna go
to jail or anything, are you?

No, I'll be around.

I need these voice-over checks to
support my gambling addiction.

Evil Stewie?

Wherever you are,
if you can hear me,

I'm completely
defenseless right now.

Okay, there you are.

Well, this is a gift, Brian.

Thank you for making it so easy.

Hey, well, you know,
you're doing me a favor.

I've had enough; I can't live
with that stupid family anymore.

Do me a favor and end it
all for me, will ya?

Delighted to oblige, Brian.

Aah!

(blows landing loudly)

(weapon blasting)

(blows landing loudly)

Oh, come on,
not this thing! Really?

Brian, it's me, Stewie.

Shoot him!
No! Brian, you know me.

Look at me.
Shoot him.

All right, there's
only one way to settle this.

Look at your feet.

Why? They're just feet.

(giggling)

Wh-What are they
doing down there?

They're like leg hands!

(sizzling)

Nice job, man!

Wow!

That was really brilliant.

Thanks. Just glad
this nightmare is over.

And I'm really glad I
didn't kill the wrong Stewie.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, come on,
I'll take you home.

(deep, echoing, evil laughter)