Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 10 - Friends of Peter G. - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV. ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry. ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x11 ♪
Friends of Peter G.
Original Air Date on February 13, 2011

All right, come on,
hurry up, Brian.



I don't want to miss the movie
trivia slides before the movie.

Peter, those questions
are the easiest,

most pandering things
in the world.

Oh! Oh! Tim Honks!
Tim Honks!

Forrest Gump. I win.

Who?

Ah, good.
It's starting.

Yeah, that's what you say.

I can never figure out when
the hell the studio logos end

and the actual movie begins.

All right.
Let's see what you got, FOX.

Oh, I bet that's a sea monst...

Oh, that's not the movie.

That's... yeah,
I think I heard of them.



Here we go. Movie!

Well, now, that seems
intentionally misleading.

All right,
someone's coming to town.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Oh, all right. Period movie.

Oh, not a period movie.

Oh, this guy's in trouble.

Can't wait to hear his story.

Oh, come on!

Psst. Hey, Brian.
You want a drink?

You snuck in liquor?

Yeah, loosens me up so I can
talk to the people around me.

All right, I'll, uh,
get in on that.

Hey, I already seen this movie.

Let's talk... Let's talk about
other movies we've seen.

That's an excellent idea.

I like... I like The Madness
of King George.

Well, I don't know
what that is,

but The... The Cat
From Outer Space

is a solid
motion picture.

Oh, and... and I like...
I like King Ralph

'cause... 'Cause that's...
That's the last guy

you'd expect to be
king of nothing.

Hey, shut up!

Hey, I'm... I'm not
the only one talking.

That... That big guy up
there on the screen's

been talking through
the whole movie.

Hey, jerk.
Hey, you keep it down.

I... I don't...
I don't think he's...

That he's listening to you.
Let's get him.

Dear Liesl, I'd like
to be able to tell you

how I feel about you.

Leeza, get a...
Get away from him. He's a "Nazzi."

I... I know Jews is bad,
but thems is worse.

- Sit down!
- Move.

Stop blocking the screen,
you jerk!

I don't think... I don't
think you heard me, buddy.

Step away from
the young lady.

All right, Ian Ziering,
you asked for it.

Oh, my God.
I think I'm in Narnia.

Where am I?

Hey, those guys
are backwards now.

Get away from her!

We got a report
of a disturban...

Oh, what the hell, Peter?

Joe, thank God.
There's a situation here.

I've got a sore finger.

I don't give a crap.
We got bigger problems!

Mr. Griffin and Mr. Griffin,

this court finds you guilty
of creating a public disturbance

and destruction
of private property.

And all of this while under
the influence of alcohol.

Your Honor,
if you'll just let us explain...

I've heard all the testimony
I'm prepared to hear.

This court sentences you both

to thirty days
of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Well, Your Honor, in that case,

I'll have to call my surprise
witness, Mr. Sockerby.

Mr. Sockerby, before we begin,

have you ever been convicted
of a felony?

Yes, but that bitch
had it coming.

Ah, okay. Uh, Your Honor, I'm...

I'm afraid I have
to withdraw this witness,

and I am going to those things
you said I have to go to.

This sucks.
Can't believe that judge

is making us go
to a month of AA.

You know, if you ask me,
this is going to be

a good thing for both of you.

There's a lesson
you need to learn.

What are you talking about?
What lesson?

I don't need to go to AA.

I'm a social drinker,
not an alcoholic.

Yeah, that's like saying rappers
are really poets.

I'm not saying she's
a gold digger,

but she's not messing with...

Who isn't she messing with?

Hey, y'all.

Okay, we got us a few new
friends here joining us tonight.

So let's all say us
a big hello to Peter and Brian.

- Hello, Peter and Brian.
- Hi there.

All right, who'd like
to kick us off?

I will.

Um, my name is Greg,
and, uh, I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Greg.

One fateful night, I, uh,
got behind the wheel

of my brand-new sports car,
blind-drunk.

I was responsible for the death

of an innocent
eight-year-old girl.

- What kind?
- What?

What kind of car?

You said you had
a sports car.

That's cool,
but what kind?

It was a Miata.

Oh, come on.
That's not a sports car.

How... How does that
even kill a kid?

What, did you hit her
over the head with it?

- That's a legitimate sports car.
- No. Next.

Jenny, would you
like to talk?

My name is Jenny,
and I'm an alcoholic.

Geez, anybody here
in any other line of work?

Ha.

Hi, Jenny.

Before I found AA,
my ex-boyfriend and I

used to get drunk
and party all night.

I missed work half the time.

One morning, I woke up naked
with three Persians

high-fiving each other
on the way out of my bedroom.

But now that I've joined
the program,

I'm a whole different person.

And my two new cats,
Clean and Sober,

just think I'm tops.

That's wonderful, Jenny.

All right. Peter, do you have
a story that you'd like to share?

Oh, yeah, I got one.

This one time, me and Joe
and Quagmire made a bet

to see who could drink
the most beer and still drive.

And you know that water slide
in South Attleboro?

- Yeah!
- Water slide!

Summer fun!

Peter, it sounds to me
like alcohol

is a very destructive
influence in your life.

You need to relinquish
your dependence

and give yourself over
to a higher power.

You have a different view, Brian?

Oh, I... I don't know.
Are we...

Are we allowed to have
a different view?

Brian, AA is the only way out
for these people.

Millions are saved every year
by the program.

Hey, people got along just fine

for thousands of years
without AA.

Just like they got along

for thousands of years
without religion.

I like you and have
no reason not to.

I like you and have
no reason not to.

Hey, did you hear
about that magic baby

that was born
in Bethlehem?

Oh, there you boys are.

How was your meeting?

29 more and we're done.
That's how it was.

That doesn't sound like
the right attitude.

Lois, you weren't there.
It was awful.

Just a bunch of losers
telling boring stories.

"My drinking
ruined my marriage."

"My drinking ruined
my family."

My drinking
ruined my TV show, 24."

I see you got your own thing
going on this week,

but there's a new teacher
at preschool

who deactivates the camera
and then hits us.

Brian, AA's been around
for years.

It's helped a lot of people
get over their addiction.

No, it hasn't.

They've just traded
one addiction for another.

Their life goes
from being all about drinking

to being all about AA.

The only difference is,

when it's all about drinking,
they're more fun.

Well, like it or not,

you got to stick it out
for thirty days.

You know what sucks, Brian?

We don't got a problem
with our drinking.

It's everybody else who's got
a problem with our drinking.

Wait a minute.
Peter, that's it.

The issue isn't that these
people are alcoholics.

They just have nowhere to
drink without being judged.

She slams us
into the monkey bars,

but none of us have the language
skills to call her on it.

And then this one time,
I was so drunk,

I gave someone
a back adjustment.

I'm not a chiropractor.

You got to go to a weekend
of school for that.

Hey, hey.

Anyone in the house
addicted to alcohol?

- Hi.
- Hello, Peter.

I enjoy alcohol.

I can't hear you.

- Hello.
- I have a very serious problem.

Mr. Griffin, alcohol
is forbidden at our meetings.

Look, just hear me out.

I sat here and listened
to you bums the other day,

and I got to tell you,
I have never seen a duller bunch

of pathetic bastards in my life.

I don't know who you were
when you were drinking,

but it sure as hell's
got to be better

than who you are
when you're sober.

Yeah, you all stopped drinking

because you were hurting
your loved ones.

But you can't hurt them
if they don't know you're drunk.

Let's make this our sanctuary.

I wants me that beer.

Attention, patrol cars,

we've got a noise complaint
at the Quahog Community Center.

Is anyone in the area?

Wait a minute. That's where
Peter's AA meeting is.

So I clicked on it,
and the...

The girl's got
a bigger wang than I got.

No way.

No way, right?

So I did... So I just put
my thumb over it,

and then... And that got me
through the rest of...

of the... of the session.

Oh, no.
There's a policeman coming.

All right, everybody,
you know what to do.

Alcoholics, transform.

All right, what the hell's
going on in here?

- We got a noise complaint.
- Joe, shh. Peter's about to start.

We are gathered here again
tonight, fellow AA members,

to talk about
the greatest temptation

the Devil ever created:

Alcohol.

♪ Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E... ♪

♪ That sure spells booze... ♪

♪ You will wind up wearing
tattered shoes ♪

♪ if you mess with Mr. Booze. ♪

♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Don't mess with
B-double-O-Z-E... ♪

♪ If you've been so stiff
they thought you died, ♪

♪ you'll feel better
once you've testified. ♪

♪ Testify! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Testify! ♪
I want to testify. I want to testify.

Well, then, cleanse yourself,
my son. Cleanse yourself.

One time, I took
a "liberry" book out,

and I fells asleep reading it,
and I left it under the bed.

I forgot about it
for three and a half years.

I was going to take it back
on Amnesty Day,

but on Amnesty Day,
I had a sip of rosé wine,

and I never made it
out of the house.

♪ Who's to blame? ♪
♪ Who's to blame? ♪

♪ What's his name? ♪
♪ We know his name. ♪

♪ His name is Mr. Booze. ♪

♪ Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E,
don't ever choose. ♪

♪ Any game you play
with him you lose. ♪

♪ So don't mess with Mr. Booze. ♪

♪ If your head feels like it's two miles wide... ♪
♪ Two miles wide... ♪

♪ You'll feel better once you've testified. ♪
♪ Testify! ♪

♪ Oh, yes! ♪
♪ Testify! ♪

I want to testify.
I want to testify.

Well, come forward,
dear brother, and testify.

I used to be a
soda pop guy.

Then I switched
to the bottle.

Now I don't
leave my couch,

and I've seen
every movie ever.

You name a movie,
I've seen it.

- Meet Dave.
- Seen it.

- The Eiger Sanction.
- Seen it.

- Donovan's Reef.
- Seen it.

- License to Drive.
- Definitely seen it.

♪ That's a shame... ♪
♪ What a shame... ♪

♪ Who's to blame? ♪
♪ For Corey Haim? ♪

♪ His name is Mr. Booze,
Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E,
you must refuse. ♪

♪ You'll make the obituary news ♪

♪ if you mess with Mr. Booze. ♪

♪ If you've been so stiff
they thought you died, ♪

♪ you'll feel better
once you've testified. ♪

♪ Testify, testify! ♪

This man wants
to testify.

Very well, my brother.

Let us lead him on the path
of righteousness.

This poor gentleman
used to speak

in long,
eloquent sentences,

but after years of drinking,

he can only speak in short,
choppy utterances.

Why, at one time,
if you asked him

who his favorite
musicians were,

he'd say Leonard Bernstein,
Johann Sebastian Bach

and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

But thanks to that old devil
hooch, it's all changed.

Who's your favorite
musician, Ollie?

Cher!

He doesn't even like Cher.

♪ Now, alcohol makes
a big man small, ♪

♪ and can lead to a life of crime. ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Demon rum makes
a gent a bum, ♪

♪ and you cash in
before your time. ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Bootleg gin puts you in a spin ♪

♪ till you don't even know your name. ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ You're a basket case
flat on your face, ♪

♪ and there's only one guy
to blame: ♪

♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E... ♪

♪ Mr. Booze, Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Mr. B-double-O-Z-E,
don't ever choose. ♪

♪ You will wind up wearing
tattered shoes ♪

♪ if you mess with Mr. Booze. ♪

♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Oh, Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Oh, Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Don't mess
with B-double-O-Z-E... ♪

♪ 'Cause that spells booze... ♪

♪ And you gotta lose
with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Don't mess around
with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ That's what he said, now... ♪
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Oh, Mr. Booze... ♪
♪ Don't mess with Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Don't you mess with Mr. Booze,
don't mess with Mr. ♪

♪ Don't you mess with Mr.
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... ♪

♪ Don't mess with, ah-ah... ♪

♪ Oh, Mr. Booze... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Wow, you guys.
I'm impressed

that you're taking your
sentence so seriously.

And I know that the court
will be happy to hear this, too.

Now, if you'll just keep it down

so I don't get
any more complaints.

Sure. No problem, Joe.

Thanks for stopping by.

Yay!

So what do you say, guys?

Should we take this party
to Denny's

and hang out with the cast
of the high school play?

Nah. I think I'm...
I'm just going to go home.

All right.
You okay to drive?

Oh, yeah, I'll be fine.

I'll crank the heat,
roll up the windows

and blast the Lullaby Channel.
I'll be fine.

All right, take it easy.

All right, you, too.
Get out of here.

Hey! Like your jeans.

Thanks. What...
Hey, what size are you?

Yeah, I don't think
we're the same size.

Yeah, we'll figure
it out tomorrow.

Come on, Brian.
You ready to go home?

Uh, no, Peter.

I'm going to... I'm going to...
Going to meet Jenny's cats.

What are you talking about?
You hate cats.

I'm going... to meet...
her cats.

Geez. All right.
Okay. All right.

You don't have to get all cat...

Hey, hey, cat dog, right?

You're a cat dog.

♪ Hey, cat dog! ♪

♪ Cat dog! ♪

♪ Cat dog. ♪

Hey, where's... You know,

where's all the poop go
when the cat...

When the... In a...
In a cat dog...?

When the cat poops...

What, does it come out
of the dog's mouth?

And... And vice versa?

Oh, God.

Oh, that's...
That's some kind of living hell.

That's some...

That's some kind
of living hell, Brian.

Okay, I got to go.

You... You have
a good time with Jenny.

Geez. Cat dog.

What... What if... What if they...

What if they want
to marry different people?

You got a lawsuit on your hands.

That's what...
That's what happens.

All right... All right, look,

let's get some music
going on in here.

Where's the Lullaby Channel?

♪ A gentle breeze... ♪

♪ From Hushabye Mountain... ♪

♪ Softly blows... ♪

♪ For Lullaby Bay... ♪

Please be Rosie O'Donnell.

Please be Rosie O'Donnell.
Please be Rosie O'Donnell.

Wait. Is it?

Hey.

Hey, fatty, wake up.

What... What the...
What happened?

You're dead, jackass.

You died in a drunk
driving accident.

Oh, God. Did I hold on
to the touchdown pass?

What the...?
What's wrong with you?

You know what?

I was so drunk,
my ghost is drunk.

Look, I've been told
I can give you another chance,

but there's some things
we have to do first.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you
understanding alcohol

just a little bit better.

Peter, I'm going to show you
where your life is headed

if you keep drinking
as much as you do.

All right, Peter.
Here we are.

Well, everything looks fine.

All right, family.
Line up for cigar burns.

Ah!

Oh!

Yow!

Ah!

Ah!

Wait a minute.
Who are you?

I'm your other son, MacCawber.

Here for my cigar burn,
good sir.

Stewie, go on,
get out of here,

you stupid "laugh and cry,
effin' cry."

What's the difference?

What's this?

This is the bathroom
at my work.

That's right.

And there you are
in the stall

- with your boss, Angela.
- What?!

Oh, my God, Angela.

That was... That was...
That felt so good.

All I want to do is
please you, Griffin.

Well that... That was
a good idea you had

dunking your hand
in the toilet.

Oh, my God!
I wouldn't have sex with Angela!

She's disgusting!

Not when you're drunk,
she's not.

All right, Death, I get it.

I wish I'd never touched
a drop of alcohol in my life.

Never touched a drop, huh?

Well, guess what.

I'm going to show you
that, too.

Okay, get ready for this.

Hey, hey, hey, gang!

Everybody line up
for a triple "H":

a hug, a handshake
or a high five. Your call.

Lois, hug! You got it.

Stewie, hug! Two in a row.

Try for three, Chris?

Oh, no, high five.

Well, that's okay.
High five's great, too.

Meg, back to the hug.
All right.

Hugs may win it today.

And we close
with a handshake.

And all in time for my big
bike ride announcement.

Who the (bleep)
is this jerk?

That's you, Peter,
alcohol-free.

Ooh.

Hey, look, there's
Joe and Quagmire.

Hey, let's have a
drink with them.

You've never touched
a drop, Peter.

You don't even know
those guys.

Those are your
friends over there.

Hey, do you guys mind
keeping it down?

We're trying to have
a conversation here.

Some people. Gee whiz.

Those are your friends,
Phillip, Ernest and Jonathan.

Do I at least call him Jon?

- No, he prefers Jonathan.
- Aw, one of those guys?

You know, I have started taking

a Bufferin baby aspirin
every day.

It's improved my heart
one heck of a heap,

I'll tell you that,
pardon my French.

This is even worse
than the other one.

I mean, it's cool I know French,

but, Death, this ain't me.

What am I
supposed to do?

If I'm a drunk,
I'm a jerk,

and if I'm sober,
I'm a douche.

Exactly, Peter.

It's called moderation.

You don't have to give up
the booze cold turkey.

You just have to be
responsible with it.

You members of the human race

have the ability
to send a man to the moon

and make Justin Long
a movie star.

With that kind of willpower,
don't you think you can learn

to put the bottle down
just sometimes?

We did it with Justin Long,
didn't we?

America said no,
but we kept at it.

All right, Death.

I'll try.

Well, we're home.

Thirty days of sobriety,
and we can finally drink again.

Oh, for God's sake, Peter,

didn't you learn
anything from this?

Yes, I did, Lois.

These are going
in the garbage.

But these...
I'm keeping for myself.

Moderation, Lois.

Wow, Peter.

I never thought
I'd see the day.

Good for you.

From now on, half
of every six-pack I buy

is going in the trash.

Hey, how... How come
we're the only animals

with poo that's white?

I know. What the hell?

Right? We're not...
We're not eating white stuff.

Hey, you want
something good?

Just look for the containers
that say "KFC" on them.

There's always
something good in there.

Dude, that's birds in there.

You're eat...
You're eating another bird.

- What?
- That's bird meat, dude.

What? No.

You're eating a bird.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

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