Family Guy (1998–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - And Then There Were Fewer - full transcript
The residents of Quahog are invited to James Woods' house, where a murder mystery takes place.
Attention, everyone,
mail call!
Meg, Teen People;
Chris, Amazing Spiderman;
Lois, Redbook;
World War 2 army guy,
a letter from your gal.
Open that one up, buddy.
All right,
at ease, at ease.
"Dear Willy,
it's been awful lonesome
since you've been away".
Hey, you hear that,
fellas? She misses me!
You're all wet.
Hey, check this out.
We got invited to a party.
"Peter Griffin, you and your
family are cordially invited
to a gala dinner in your honor
at Rocky Point Manor".
What? What are they
honoring you for?
Who cares? It says here
it's for the whole weekend.
And it's free.
Well, who's
the invitation from?
I don't know,
it doesn't say.
Wait, you're not
gonna go, are you?
It's clearly
some kind of scam.
Oh, well, then maybe we just go,
and you go to the kennel.
Oh, not the kennel.
Last time you left me
there for an hour.
Or ten years, I don't know,
there's no clock there!
You stink when
you come out of there.
Dad, are we almost there?
Yeah. According to the map,
we're pretty close.
Peter, look!
My God, this is
absolutely beautiful.
I bet Jeff Probst
has a house like this.
Joe?
Peter?
What the hell are
you guys doing here?
Well, we got an invitation
to a dinner in my honor.
I assumed it was for all
those arrests I made last month.
That's weird. My invitation
said it was in my honor.
I assumed it was for being
able to fart the alphabet,
which I almost did
till I pooped on the "s".
Oh, well. Everybody
on the bus was upset
long before
that anyway.
What the...
Derek and Jillian?
Wow!
Hi, Brian!
Hey, kiddo.
What, what are
you guys doing here?
I got a card that says
they're throwing a dinner
in my "honer".
Wait a minute, what the
hell's going on here?
Everybody got the
same invitation?
Muriel, if you're not gonna eat
your half of the cheeseburger,
I'll see if they have a freezer,
so I can keep it nice.
I'm gonna walk around;
I think my vagina's asleep.
Oh. Hey.
Uh...
Didn't think I'd see
anyone I knew here.
This, uh, this
is Stephanie.
Hi, everybody!
Oh, my gosh!
I never thought I'd
meet Glenn's friends!
Yeah, I figured,
why not?
You know, you, we, you and I
see each other from time to time.
Oh, my God, we, like, never
see each other! This guy!
You, like, disappear for a
month, and then you call me?!
So silly!
You're lucky
I like you so much.
Okay, why don't you go
ahead and take the bags in.
Wow, it, it looks like
the whole town got invited.
Mr. Peter.
Mr. Joe.
Mr. Bonnie.
She doesn't know
what "Mr." means.
Mr. Mort.
Mr. Muriel.
Mayor West, Mr.
Oh, my God, seriously.
If you will all please
follow me to third floor,
I show you
to your rooms.
You are all expected
for dinner at 8:00.
Oh, good! I'm starved!
Settle down, will ya?
None of this makes any sense.
Everyone got invitations
from an anonymous source
for a dinner in their honor,
when that's clearly
not the case.
Now we're here, where
the hell's our host?
Well, at least you all had
eveningwear provided for you.
I thought this was
going to be a lawn party.
I don't have
one pair of long pants.
Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing
Jillian here with Derek.
I wonder if she's
thinking about me.
I don't know, are you
a pony or the color blue?
Derek, look!
Ha, how do you
like that?
Have you guys ever seen
Jim Henson's Labyrinth?
No. Have you ever seen
the Channel Five news?
No.
Uh, Labyrinth has teenage
Jennifer Connelly.
Channel Five news has file
footage of pills being sorted.
Some people think
Jennifer Connelly's old now,
and that her hands look
like two bags of snakes.
I think that's bogus.
I don't think we
have much in common.
Good heavens, Meg, you're
sprouting up like a weed!
I know, she's
growing every day.
Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman.
Of course she does! I performed
her very first pelvic exam!
Unless I'm confusing you
with someone else.
Nope. That was...
That was you.
Good evening, everyone.
James Woods!
Thank you for joining me
at my humble manor.
I'd like to introduce you to
my lovely companion, Pricilla.
Nice to meet you all.
Who's he?
James Woods.
Oh, I thought
he was a shark.
No, he was a on a
show called Shark.
But he's made of wood?
No, his last name is Woods,
but he's not made of wood.
Nobody is.
This truly is a night to
celebrate, especially for me.
Hey, what's
going on here, Woods?
The invitation said this
was a dinner in my honor.
That's what mine said, too.
Yeah, me, too!
Mine, too. Same here!
Where's the food?
Well, actually,
this dinner honors all of you.
Where should I begin?
You see, recently I've become
a born-again Christian.
Thanks to this
beautiful little angel.
She came into my life
as if out of nowhere,
enchanted me beyond
my wildest dreams
and opened my eyes
to the cleansing truth
of Jesus Christ's love.
No, honey, it was
always within you.
I just helped you find it.
Um... What does all this gay
stuff have to do with us?
Well, the fact
of the matter is, I have wronged
each and every
one of you in some way.
And, since I am a man of God
now, I am truly repentant.
So, I invited you
all here to make amends.
And why the hell
should we trust you?
Yeah, you've been
terrorizing our family for years.
I understand that there is some
healing to do here tonight
and I am prepared to be patient.
Please, won't you just
give me a chance?
And I promise you
won't be disappointed.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just go check on dinner.
Oh, I'll help
you, sweetheart.
This is all
very strange.
I agree.
Something's not right.
I don't know, maybe we
should give him a chance.
Maybe he really is born again.
Well, he could be.
It all depends on what
his astrological sign is.
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
I'm very intuitive
with these things.
Maybe if I sit in his chair, I
can get a reading on his energy.
I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a
rebirth would not be unexpected.
That's enough,
Stephanie.
You know, it's like
when I did Glenn's star chart...
Did the, did the cork hit me?
My God.
She's dead.
She's been shot!
I can't help feeling
this would be sadder
if she wasn't heavy.
Oh, my God.
It was him!
It was James Woods!
He killed Stephanie!
Jeez, I knew he was crazy, but I
didn't think he was a murderer!
Oh, he must've brought
us here to kill us all!
Run! Run for your lives!
Quick! We got to
get out of here!
Come on,
get in the car!
Oh, my God, Peter,
back it up!
Oh, really, Lois?
I thought I might
drive forward.
I thought that-that might
be a fun thing to do.
Stop fighting!
Oh, my God! Quick, Peter,
get in the back!
Oh, thank God.
We made it.
Oh! Aah!
Ow! My neck!
You backed into me,
and-and now... Oh!
Your back!
And my back!
My back, yes! Oh!
All right, it looks like
we're stuck here.
Storm has flooded the causeway,
and the bridge is destroyed.
For the moment,
there's no way out.
No way out. Great film.
Sean Young naked in the limo?
What are we
gonna do?
We can't just
stay here
with James Woods lurking
somewhere in the house!
All right, does anyone have
a cell phone?
I'm not getting
any reception!
Me neither!
No bars!
It's all right.
I'll put a message
in a bottle.
Now... We wait.
Look, he's got a land line
we can use!
Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't
feel right about that.
We're guests,
and it's long distance.
Doesn't matter.
The line's dead.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right.
Look, everybody but Chris,
just keep your pants on
and let's figure a way
out of this.
He's right. We just
got to stay calm.
With a killer
in the house?!
Killer
in the house...
Hey, guys,
has anybody seen James?
Sweetheart, you may want
to sit down for this.
Who want little tiny tacos?
Ooh, little taco.
I'll have one of those.
It's him!
Sorry I took so long.
I was going to the bathroom
and I just couldn't stop
looking at my penis,
'cause it's, you know,
so fantastic.
You're a monster...
Yeah, I heard it's fantastic.
You're a monster, James Woods!
You think you can just commit
murder and get away with it?!
Quagmire loved that girl!
Easy.
Murder?
Wha-What are you
talking about?
You're going away
for a long time, pal.
Jimmy, what
does he mean?
Look, I honestly don't know
what's going on here.
Oh, really?
Well, maybe that dead pile
of cookie dough
in the next room
will refresh your memory.
What do you mean?
There's nothing
in the next room.
It's gone!
Where is she, Woods?
What'd you do with the body?
What body?
You know,
maybe she wasn't dead.
I'll admit it, I'm-I'm not great
with that stuff sometimes.
All right, I don't know
what's happening here,
but look, I'm a lot
of things.
A member of Mensa,
a huge hit with the ladies,
someone who, you know,
would have broken out bigger
if he weren't so impossible
to work with.
Right. But a murderer?
I only just found God.
Why would I jeopardize
my entrance into heaven?
If I were you,
I'd keep your mouth shut
till you talk to a lawyer.
I didn't kill anybody!
Oh my God.
Is this what black people see
all the time?
Look!
He's dead.
Oh, my God!
Nice.
Nobody touch the knife!
There could be
fingerprints on it.
So James Woods
murdered Stephanie
and then he
murdered himself.
Criss-cross.
No, Peter.
Don't you see?
He didn't kill himself and
he didn't kill Stephanie.
What are you saying?
I'm saying, James Woods
isn't the murderer.
The murderer...
Is one of us!
And someone ate the last
goat cheese tartlet.
Now I hope
I die next.
Okay, everyone,
it's important that
we all stay calm.
How are we supposed
to stay calm?!
There's a killer
in the room!
We all got to get out of here!
We're all gonna die!
Mr. Mayor,
pull yourself together!
Wait a minute.
Joe, look!
Oh, my God.
Stephanie was
an accident.
That's a way of putting it.
What do you
mean, Joe?
This gun was timed to fire
directly at that chair,
where James Woods
would have been sitting.
But he left
and Stephanie was
in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
So whoever the murderer is,
they were after James Woods,
not Stephanie.
The question is,
who here wanted
James Woods dead?
Let's look around and see
if we can find any more clues.
Oh, my God.
Brian, I feel like
everyone's wondering
why I'm wearing shorts.
Nobody's even
looking at you.
That's what I mean.
The fact that
no one has said anything
makes it even more obvious
that everyone has noticed.
Brian, look
what I found!
Check it out!
I'm a robot from outer space!
Hang on. I'm coming down.
Go, go, gadget skis!
Uh-oh.
All right, since it's my fault
that Joe got knocked out,
it is now my responsibility
to take over the investigation.
I-I don't know if
that actually follows.
Oh, it does follow, Brian.
Because I'm the one
with the giant magnifying glass.
Is my eye big?
Yeah.
Good.
Good. That means progress.
All right, let's-let's
figure out what we know here.
The gun was clearly meant
to kill James Woods,
but Stephanie got in the way.
So the murderer had to improvise
and finish the job
by stabbing him.
Now who here had a motive
for wanting James Woods dead?
Well, according
to James Woods, we all did.
He brought us here
to make amends with us.
But he wronged one of us
enough to want revenge.
The question is, who?
Well, I know one person
who could have.
My partner Tom.
All right, it's true.
James Woods ruined my career!
I originally wanted
to be an actor.
And I booked the lead role
in Nightmare on Elm Street.
But James Woods said:
"No, don't bother.
Something else will come along."
So I turned it down.
And now this Robert Englund
is the talk of the town.
That should be me
everyone's talking about!
Was I angry?
Yes, of course!
But I didn't kill him!
What about Seamus?
You hated James Woods.
You told me so!
Aye. He's the one
who made me what I am today.
I wish you were a real,
live ornery sea captain.
But he didn't
wish hard enough!
It only worked
on me head!
Oh, my God,
seriously?
No. Actually,
I was a normal guy
until one night,
we dropped acid together,
and he thought
I was a steak.
Grilled me,
ate me arms and legs.
It was a whole thing.
But I'm not the killer!
What about
the mayor?
He could have killed him
and got himself off scot-free!
He took the Twitter name
Mayor West,
so now I have
to use Mayor underscore West.
That rat-faced cracker!
But you hated him,
too, Dr. Hartman.
Sure, I hated him,
but so did Mort.
I didn't kill him!
Maybe it
was Diane.
James Woods promised
to introduce me to Dan Rather.
But instead, he introduced me
to Danny Bonaduce.
I tell you, that guy looks
like a dog turning 30.
But what about the old guy?
I heard him complaining
about Woods in the dining room.
That's true.
He replaced my Cialis
with methamphetamines!
Pedal faster!
I can't go any faster!
Where you
going, kids?
Hey, I just want
to talk to you.
Why don't you come
over to my place
for a glass of wine and
a couple of fruit pies
and then we can go
in the back room
and play crazy snake.
Hee-hee-hee!
And what about Quagmire?
Fine! So he stole
Cheryl Tiegs from me!
He ruined your TV pilot!
Go to hell! I backed out
of that project willingly.
Oh, yeah, that's what
every hack says.
You know, Brian...
I'm telling you...
Eh. My secret
room's bigger.
Mine's smaller.
All right, stand back.
This could be dangerous.
Oh, laundry room.
Laundry room, everybody.
Oh, see, here we go.
Aha!
James Woods made a list
of all his misdeeds
so he could make amends.
Bonnie, he punched you
in the throat
and that's why
you sound like that?
No, he punched me in the throat
because I sound like this.
And Consuela, he...
Actually, I can't read
his handwriting here.
What-what happened?
One day, I bring
my nephew to work
and he molest my nephew,
and my nephew, he only 14
and he cry and then,
he shoot himself in the face.
What are all these?
God, there are tons
of OxyContin bottles in here.
All prescribed to James Woods.
And all from Goldman's Pharmacy.
What's that
all about, Goldman?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
James Woods never bought
anything in my pharmacy. Ever.
Yes, he did.
Says here he talked Muriel
into selling him OxyContin
for him and
his 19-year-old girlfriend.
This went on for weeks,
but then she started
to have misgivings
and threatened to cut him off.
But he wouldn't let her.
He threatened to blackmail her
by turning her in to the Feds.
Sounds like
a pretty good motive to me.
No! No, it's not true!
I would never kill anybody,
never!
And I am not saying another word
until I talk to my lawyer,
because...
Why is he wearing shorts?
Oh, my God,
I told you!
Muriel, just surrender quietly.
It'll be easier
for us all if you...
She's gone!
We lost her.
Well, as long as there's
a murderer on the loose,
none of us are safe.
All right, let's split up
and search the house.
I'll go with Lois.
Chris, you check the basement
with Herbert.
Meg, you go
with Brian and Stewie.
Uh, no,
she-she can't.
Yeah, uh,
she can't.
We-we-we were gonna
use this time, uh...
To figure out what to get
you for your birthday.
Ooh, ah, okay.
Oh, yeah, no, you guys go.
You guys, ooh,
now I'm excited.
Um, okay, um, Meg,
you go with Carl.
Sorry, Carl.
Tom and Diane,
you're a team.
Quagmire and Bonnie,
you're a team.
Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman?
That-that could be funny.
Don't usually see
the two of you together.
Uh, Derek and Jillian,
you guys take the attic.
Joe and Priscilla
are still passed out,
so they'll be
the unconscious team.
And that leaves
one three-person team
of Mort, Consuela,
and Mayor West.
All right. Let's do this.
So, uh...
You guys like
to party?
No!
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, what a
couple of squares.
Squaresville,
I tell ya!
What are we supposed
to be doing again?
We're looking
for Muriel Goldman, honey.
Hello?
Is anybody up here?
Hey, maybe it was that cat
who was the murderer.
Let me ask him.
Meow, meow, meow?
Meow-meow-meow-meow?
We don't all talk like that.
I happen to be a professor.
Our apologies, sir.
I should imagine so.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have papers to correct.
Chris, I'm worried, with
this killer on the loose.
If I should die, I-I
just want you to know
that they might
find some things.
Strange things.
Um... Okay.
And there's gonna
be a lot of talk.
Nasty talk.
And I just want you
to know, from me,
it's all gonna be
out of context.
I don't know
what that means.
It means, if I die, you
got to burn my house down!
Muriel?
Oh, yeah, like she's going
to answer you, Tom.
And here we go
with the attitude.
This is why
you're single.
Oh, so I'm not
supposed to point out
when you do
something stupid?
You hear that? You hear
that tone you're using?
That's penis repellent
right there.
Careful.
She could be hiding behind
any one of these statues.
Muriel, this is Tom Tucker
from the Channel Five news.
Perhaps you'd like
an autograph.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Do you hear yourself?
There it is.
Knock it off!
Hey, wait a minute.
Doesn't feel like
there's any wall here.
What do you
think's in there?
I don't know.
Looks scary.
What do you
think, Ollie?
I miss Ollie.
I better take a look.
No. I'll go first.
Do you see anything?
No, it's-it's
too dark.
Tom? Tom!
Oh, sweet.
A pool table.
Let's see if we can
find some cues.
What is it?!
Whew. It's okay.
It's just the stuffed bear
from The great outdoors.
Did you see
The great outdoors?
No.
You suck.
Hey, I found the pool cues!
Meg?
Looks like I'm all alone.
Well, hey, that's all right.
I watch a lot of movies.
I can just use my imagination.
Hi, Carl.
Hey, bear.
So, um, in the
bear world,
are, like, pandas your version
of interracial children?
Yeah. Pandas aren't
something I agree with.
They're cute,
though, right?
Just when they're babies.
Boy, it's really
raining hard.
Yeah, well,
we needed it.
What?
Peter, we've been
married a long time.
Why do I still get "guy in
an elevator" small talk?
I don't know. You're the one
talking about the weather.
So...
Looking forward
to the weekend?
It's okay.
It's just us.
Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie,
you scared us.
Have you seen
any sign of Muriel?
Oh, why didn't I
think of this before?
I should just check the "Find
a Jew" app on my phone.
Huh. There's just
two big clusters
on each side of the country.
No, look.
There's one down south.
Ah, they got him.
Okay, um...
Oh, uh, Lost in space.
Yup, okay. Um...
Oh, uh, uh, that's
Dick Van Dyke.
Okay, um...
Oh, okay,
I-I-I got one, um...
I have no idea.
♪ Linda Evans
and John Forsythe ♪
♪ They're coming down
big, long stairs ♪
♪ Come on, Brian,
you know this ♪
♪ We're all rich ♪
♪ And we're all
at least in our late 50s ♪
♪ Think Joan Collins ♪
♪ Come on, Brian,
you know this ♪
♪ It's the middle
trumpet part ♪
♪ It was a pretty big deal
for Diahann Carroll ♪
♪ To play a rich, black woman
in the 80s. ♪
Come on, Bri. Right?
Y-You don't know this?
Uh, Falcon Crest?
Oh, it's "Dinasty"!
Oh. Yeah, I-I
didn't watch that.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Muriel!
My sweet Muriel!
She was so young.
She was so beauti...
She was so genero...
Uh, we were married.
Look! This is the same knife
that killed James Woods.
Oh, my God!
Then Muriel wasn't the killer.
Well, then, who is?
I don't know,
but one thing's for sure.
If we don't find out
before this storm lets up,
we're all gonna be dead
by morning.
All right, if we're going
to make it out alive,
we got to stick
together from now on.
Is everyone here?
Wait a minute, wait.
Where's Meg?
And where's Tom Tucker?
Right here!
Oh, my God!
What happened?
I fell through a trapdoor
that led to
an underground passageway.
So I followed it,
and it led me
to a hatch over there
in the parlor.
The same thing
happened to me.
But with
a moustache.
Hey, Peter,
look at this.
I'm getting a faint signal
on my cell phone.
Really?
Oh, my god, is that...
Are you holding up
the whole Hollywood sign?
No, no, no, no.
The sign was way
in the background.
I was standing in the
foreground going like this
when Jillian took the picture,
so by forced perspective,
it looks like I'm holding
up the whole sign.
I don't believe you.
I think you are a god.
And I will die for
you or kill others.
Damn it.
The signal's gone.
If I can get up
to the roof or something,
maybe I can get a stronger
signal and call the police.
Okay. And I will skin
this dog in your honor.
Please don't.
As you wish.
Do you really think
it could work, Derek?
There's only one
way to find out.
I'll be back.
All right, nobody leaves
this room until he gets back.
Wait a minute.
Something's not right here.
We're short one vagina
in this room.
Oh, my God!
Priscilla's gone!
Th-That's impossible.
She was still passed out
on the couch when we left.
What the hell happened?
Joe! You're okay!
Yeah, I'm fine.
What's going on?
What's going on is,
Priscilla's the murderer!
Wait a second.
We don't know that.
Well, she was by herself
this whole time!
Yes, but she was unconscious!
She could've come to
and killed Muriel!
This is all speculation!
We don't know she's the killer!
Yeah, besides, she's hot!
Hot chicks are never crazy!
Derek lifted
up the Hollywood sign.
He did, too! I
saw the picture!
Come on.
Yes!
Hey.
What are you doing up here?
Wait a minute.
What the hell is this?
Oh, my God! It's you!
The man or woman
who's been killing everybody!
Stay back. Stay back.
It came from over there!
Dear God!
He's dead.
Do you think he
slipped off the roof?
Maybe. But he was dead
before the fall.
Look at this, he's been hit on
the head by a blunt object.
Oh, my God, no, Derek!
Oh, Jillian,
I'm so sorry.
Hey, can you
grab his phone?
I want to prove
something to these guys.
I-I-It's Priscilla.
I-I mean, it's
got to be Priscilla.
She's the only one
who's not here.
Look, maybe, maybe not.
We thought
Muriel was the killer
and look how that turned out.
We have no proof of anything.
Is this the latest
you've ever stayed up?
It's the latest
I've ever stayed up.
Oh, no!
Someone's taken
Mr. Woods' Golden Globe!
She's right! There was
a Golden Globe award
here, and it's gone.
I think we may have
identified our blunt object.
So all we have to do
is find that Golden Globe
and we'll have our murder
weapon and if we're lucky,
it may just mean
we'll have our killer.
All right, from
this moment forward,
nobody leaves the group.
Joe's right.
Everyone huddle up.
Good. Now, we're gonna
search the house
and we're gonna move as one.
Anyone who separates
from the group
we will assume to be the killer.
All clear?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
Let's do this!
Oh, boy, we got
a problem here.
All right,
on the count of three.
One, two...
Three!
Thanks, guys.
Stop it, Peter.
Peter, knock it off!
Okay, Jew. Joe.
Shut up!
I'm not Jewish!
Well, I think we've
learned a little something
about our friendly
neighborhood policeman today.
All right, we got to search
every one of these rooms.
We'll start with Quagmire's.
Oh, my God!
Are those
Stephanie's underpants?
Oh, God.
They're huge!
Looks like the crotch got
chewed on by a walrus mouth.
Look, it's got flowers!
I mean, why bother?
Who's gonna see 'em?
Maybe someone in space.
Come on, guys, can't we all
just be glad she's dead?
Whose room is this?
It's, uh, my room.
You travel with a giant
poster of yourself?
Yes. It helps me get to sleep,
knowing that big Tom Tucker
is keeping a watchful eye out
for nocturnal intruders.
What a ridiculous
man you are.
Look, I didn't know my room
was gonna be scrutinized.
I-If you don't like it,
let's get out of here.
Not till we've
searched the place.
You guys?
Oh, my God!
Well, well, I think
we've found our killer.
Oh, now, now, wait a minute,
that's not mine!
I suppose it crawled under
your bed all by itself.
Well, maybe it did.
I didn't murder anybody.
Tell it to Mike Judge.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
uh, this is crazy.
Wh-What about Priscilla?
We have no idea
where she is.
She could've planted that there.
Well, uh...
I suppose it's possible.
What the hell?
Aw, dang it, I got a nosebleed.
No, you don't.
Peter, give me a boost.
You're going
to jail, Tucker.
Like hell I am! You're not
taking me anywhere,
you podunk,
Quahog redneck cop!
Not you or anyone else
in this damn town!
I'm not going to jail!
After him!
Give it up, Tucker!
Make me, Swanson!
Damn, he's slippery.
You guys give up?
What do we do?
Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys!
I got an idea.
Shoot. What if half of us
go around one side of the table,
and the other half
go around the other side
and then we won't have
to chase him around in circles.
Damn, that's
awfully risky.
It sure is, but at this point
I'm willing to try anything.
All right.
Let's do it!
It worked!
Let me go!
Let me go,
you bastards!
You're all gonna
pay for this!
Just for that, when the movie
of this story comes out,
I'm gonna make sure
Adrian Brody plays you.
I guess that means you
don't want anyone to see it.
Okay. All right.
Thanks a lot for
your help, boys.
You know, despite all the
craziness this weekend,
I feel like a lot of people
were looking at me like
I was really attractive.
Which makes me think
that I'm gonna grow up
to be good-looking.
What part of
that statement
is supposed to lure me
into a conversation?
I talk to you about
wet tennis balls.
Oh, come on!
We're in a fight!
Lois, are any of my Hot wheels
in the bath... L-Lois?
Lois? Lois?
Lois, are any of my Hot wheels
in the bathroom?
No, I put 'em all in your bag.
Okay, well, I don't
see the fire engine,
but I guess we'll just find out
when we get home, won't we?
I'll see you in the car.
Hi, Diane.
Oh, hi, Lois.
How you doing?
I just thought I'd
make sure you were okay.
Oh, I'm managing.
It's just...
so hard to believe
you can work with someone
for 15 years
and yet have no idea
who they really are
or what they're capable of.
Oh, I know.
And I'm sorry.
So, what happens now?
Will you just anchor
the news by yourself?
I suppose, for the time being.
Well, that's kind of
exciting, right?
You sound
like my mother.
She actually
bought me this blouse
for my first solo broadcast.
I guess that's sweet, huh?
She... Uh...
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
What do you mean?
I mean, how could she have known
you'd be anchoring alone?
I mean, none of this
happened until...
Gosh, I, uh, you know,
I think I'd better, uh...
go make sure Peter
has his, uh...
Fire engine.
Oh, really?
But I was enjoying our talk.
Oh, no, I... So was I,
but, you know,
I've, really, I should...
I should go.
No. I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it was you.
You're the killer!
Very clever, Lois.
You shouldn't have stopped
to say hi to me.
You would've lived longer.
God, why do I ever try to
be friends with other women?
But, Diane, why?
How could you do all
these horrible things?
Well, I suppose it all
really began a year ago
when James Woods and I met
at a press event
and began seeing each other.
We both valued
our privacy, however,
so we agreed to keep it
a secret from the media.
Everything in my life
was wonderful.
But then a few months ago,
I turned 40.
Surprise!
It was hard for me
to begin with,
but it got worse when,
not so coincidentally,
Tom began pushing
Channel Five News to replace me
with a fresh, young face
and he succeeded.
Three weeks from now,
I'll be off the air.
Well, apparently,
all men think the same way,
because around the same time,
James dumped me.
I watched my career
and my love life crumble
and I wasn't gonna just
stand by and take it.
That's when I had
the good fortune
to meet a young news intern
named Priscilla.
She was so anxious to get
into the reporting business
and would have done anything
to get on my good side.
So I seized the moment.
I paid her off to seduce
James Woods and reel him
into a relationship
like a fish on a line.
I knew a hot, young woman
like Priscilla
could manipulate him
into doing anything I wanted.
At my direction,
she persuaded him
to become
a born-again Christian,
and instilled him with
the drive to bring together
all the people he'd wronged.
That's how this weekend
came to pass.
Of course, Priscilla knew
nothing of my real intentions,
but she played the part
beautifully, nonetheless.
There's no way
she could have known
I planned to kill James Woods
and frame Tom Tucker,
thereby destroying
the two people
who cast me aside
and ruined my life.
Oh, my God...
You're 40?
Yes. I'm 40.
But then why did
you kill the others?
It was all supposed
to go so smoothly.
The hidden gun goes off,
kills James Woods
and at the first opportunity,
I retrieve the gun
and plant it in Tom's bag.
James Woods is dead,
Tom goes to prison -
nice and easy.
But Stephanie got in the way.
She was in James' chair
at the wrong time.
And when I realized
my mistake,
I had to improvise.
The power outage provided
a perfect cover.
I grabbed the knife off the
dinner table and stabbed him.
But as Joe pointed out,
there were fingerprints.
I couldn't just leave it there.
So when Tom and I got separated
in the gallery,
I went back into the dining
room and got the knife.
But at that moment,
Priscilla regained
consciousness after fainting.
She started
to become hysterical.
I knew I couldn't
risk her revealing
that I had engineered
this whole gathering...
So I killed her.
And I hid her in Tom's room.
I tried to plant the knife
in Tom's suitcase,
but at that moment,
Muriel walked in,
caught me in the act.
It wasn't her fault,
poor thing,
but she had to die.
I stabbed her
and she screamed.
I had to leave the knife
in her, because
I couldn't very well
hide it on my person with
everyone quickly closing in.
So I wiped off
the fingerprints and ran.
I slipped in
with the rest of the group,
when they all converged
on the scene.
I needed more time
to finish my work framing Tom.
But that's when Derek
went out to the balcony.
I couldn't let him
contact the police
before everything
was in the place.
So I had to kill him, too.
When Peter was yelling
at everyone
about that picture of Derek
holding up the Hollywood sign,
I grabbed the Golden Globe
and slipped out.
I followed Derek outside
and did what I had to do.
I barely had enough time
to plant the Golden Globe
in Tom's room and run back
downstairs,
where I took advantage
of the commotion
and joined the crowd
as they were all running
outside.
And the rest...
Well, you did
all the rest for me.
You turned on Tom
exactly as I planned.
So there it is, Lois.
My God.
But wait, there's one
thing unaccounted for,
what happened to
Stephanie's body?
Actually, that's
the one thing I don't know.
Damn it!
Well, now you know
everything, Lois.
Which, of course, means
I have to kill you.
Lois, are you coming?
I can't play my tapes
without the key.
Well, actually, Lois and I
were just about to go
for a quick walk,
weren't we, Lois?
We've been getting
better acquainted.
All right, well, just
give me the key, please.
All right, Peter,
I'll get it.
Don't put a gun in my back.
I'm not, I'm just asking for the key.
Give me the key.
Peter, we've been
married 20 years.
Please recognize when I'm
acting out of the ordinary
because I'm in danger.
Here you go.
Here's the key, Pete.
Why is she calling me Pete?
We been married 14 years.
She never called me Pete.
Why am I trying to
figure this out
when I could be listening
to my tapes in the car?
Bye.
Shall we?
Well, it's a shame that
you have to die, Lois,
but look on the bright side:
You'll be a story
on the 6:00 news.
You know, unless a local
cat does something funny.
Diane, please,
please, don't do this!
I won't tell anybody,
I swear to God!
That's right. You won't.
Good bye, Lois.
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Whoever you are, thank you!
If anybody's gonna take that
bitch down, it's gonna be me.
mail call!
Meg, Teen People;
Chris, Amazing Spiderman;
Lois, Redbook;
World War 2 army guy,
a letter from your gal.
Open that one up, buddy.
All right,
at ease, at ease.
"Dear Willy,
it's been awful lonesome
since you've been away".
Hey, you hear that,
fellas? She misses me!
You're all wet.
Hey, check this out.
We got invited to a party.
"Peter Griffin, you and your
family are cordially invited
to a gala dinner in your honor
at Rocky Point Manor".
What? What are they
honoring you for?
Who cares? It says here
it's for the whole weekend.
And it's free.
Well, who's
the invitation from?
I don't know,
it doesn't say.
Wait, you're not
gonna go, are you?
It's clearly
some kind of scam.
Oh, well, then maybe we just go,
and you go to the kennel.
Oh, not the kennel.
Last time you left me
there for an hour.
Or ten years, I don't know,
there's no clock there!
You stink when
you come out of there.
Dad, are we almost there?
Yeah. According to the map,
we're pretty close.
Peter, look!
My God, this is
absolutely beautiful.
I bet Jeff Probst
has a house like this.
Joe?
Peter?
What the hell are
you guys doing here?
Well, we got an invitation
to a dinner in my honor.
I assumed it was for all
those arrests I made last month.
That's weird. My invitation
said it was in my honor.
I assumed it was for being
able to fart the alphabet,
which I almost did
till I pooped on the "s".
Oh, well. Everybody
on the bus was upset
long before
that anyway.
What the...
Derek and Jillian?
Wow!
Hi, Brian!
Hey, kiddo.
What, what are
you guys doing here?
I got a card that says
they're throwing a dinner
in my "honer".
Wait a minute, what the
hell's going on here?
Everybody got the
same invitation?
Muriel, if you're not gonna eat
your half of the cheeseburger,
I'll see if they have a freezer,
so I can keep it nice.
I'm gonna walk around;
I think my vagina's asleep.
Oh. Hey.
Uh...
Didn't think I'd see
anyone I knew here.
This, uh, this
is Stephanie.
Hi, everybody!
Oh, my gosh!
I never thought I'd
meet Glenn's friends!
Yeah, I figured,
why not?
You know, you, we, you and I
see each other from time to time.
Oh, my God, we, like, never
see each other! This guy!
You, like, disappear for a
month, and then you call me?!
So silly!
You're lucky
I like you so much.
Okay, why don't you go
ahead and take the bags in.
Wow, it, it looks like
the whole town got invited.
Mr. Peter.
Mr. Joe.
Mr. Bonnie.
She doesn't know
what "Mr." means.
Mr. Mort.
Mr. Muriel.
Mayor West, Mr.
Oh, my God, seriously.
If you will all please
follow me to third floor,
I show you
to your rooms.
You are all expected
for dinner at 8:00.
Oh, good! I'm starved!
Settle down, will ya?
None of this makes any sense.
Everyone got invitations
from an anonymous source
for a dinner in their honor,
when that's clearly
not the case.
Now we're here, where
the hell's our host?
Well, at least you all had
eveningwear provided for you.
I thought this was
going to be a lawn party.
I don't have
one pair of long pants.
Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing
Jillian here with Derek.
I wonder if she's
thinking about me.
I don't know, are you
a pony or the color blue?
Derek, look!
Ha, how do you
like that?
Have you guys ever seen
Jim Henson's Labyrinth?
No. Have you ever seen
the Channel Five news?
No.
Uh, Labyrinth has teenage
Jennifer Connelly.
Channel Five news has file
footage of pills being sorted.
Some people think
Jennifer Connelly's old now,
and that her hands look
like two bags of snakes.
I think that's bogus.
I don't think we
have much in common.
Good heavens, Meg, you're
sprouting up like a weed!
I know, she's
growing every day.
Meg, you remember Dr. Hartman.
Of course she does! I performed
her very first pelvic exam!
Unless I'm confusing you
with someone else.
Nope. That was...
That was you.
Good evening, everyone.
James Woods!
Thank you for joining me
at my humble manor.
I'd like to introduce you to
my lovely companion, Pricilla.
Nice to meet you all.
Who's he?
James Woods.
Oh, I thought
he was a shark.
No, he was a on a
show called Shark.
But he's made of wood?
No, his last name is Woods,
but he's not made of wood.
Nobody is.
This truly is a night to
celebrate, especially for me.
Hey, what's
going on here, Woods?
The invitation said this
was a dinner in my honor.
That's what mine said, too.
Yeah, me, too!
Mine, too. Same here!
Where's the food?
Well, actually,
this dinner honors all of you.
Where should I begin?
You see, recently I've become
a born-again Christian.
Thanks to this
beautiful little angel.
She came into my life
as if out of nowhere,
enchanted me beyond
my wildest dreams
and opened my eyes
to the cleansing truth
of Jesus Christ's love.
No, honey, it was
always within you.
I just helped you find it.
Um... What does all this gay
stuff have to do with us?
Well, the fact
of the matter is, I have wronged
each and every
one of you in some way.
And, since I am a man of God
now, I am truly repentant.
So, I invited you
all here to make amends.
And why the hell
should we trust you?
Yeah, you've been
terrorizing our family for years.
I understand that there is some
healing to do here tonight
and I am prepared to be patient.
Please, won't you just
give me a chance?
And I promise you
won't be disappointed.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll just go check on dinner.
Oh, I'll help
you, sweetheart.
This is all
very strange.
I agree.
Something's not right.
I don't know, maybe we
should give him a chance.
Maybe he really is born again.
Well, he could be.
It all depends on what
his astrological sign is.
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
I'm very intuitive
with these things.
Maybe if I sit in his chair, I
can get a reading on his energy.
I mean, if he's an Aquarius, a
rebirth would not be unexpected.
That's enough,
Stephanie.
You know, it's like
when I did Glenn's star chart...
Did the, did the cork hit me?
My God.
She's dead.
She's been shot!
I can't help feeling
this would be sadder
if she wasn't heavy.
Oh, my God.
It was him!
It was James Woods!
He killed Stephanie!
Jeez, I knew he was crazy, but I
didn't think he was a murderer!
Oh, he must've brought
us here to kill us all!
Run! Run for your lives!
Quick! We got to
get out of here!
Come on,
get in the car!
Oh, my God, Peter,
back it up!
Oh, really, Lois?
I thought I might
drive forward.
I thought that-that might
be a fun thing to do.
Stop fighting!
Oh, my God! Quick, Peter,
get in the back!
Oh, thank God.
We made it.
Oh! Aah!
Ow! My neck!
You backed into me,
and-and now... Oh!
Your back!
And my back!
My back, yes! Oh!
All right, it looks like
we're stuck here.
Storm has flooded the causeway,
and the bridge is destroyed.
For the moment,
there's no way out.
No way out. Great film.
Sean Young naked in the limo?
What are we
gonna do?
We can't just
stay here
with James Woods lurking
somewhere in the house!
All right, does anyone have
a cell phone?
I'm not getting
any reception!
Me neither!
No bars!
It's all right.
I'll put a message
in a bottle.
Now... We wait.
Look, he's got a land line
we can use!
Oh, no. You know, I wouldn't
feel right about that.
We're guests,
and it's long distance.
Doesn't matter.
The line's dead.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right.
Look, everybody but Chris,
just keep your pants on
and let's figure a way
out of this.
He's right. We just
got to stay calm.
With a killer
in the house?!
Killer
in the house...
Hey, guys,
has anybody seen James?
Sweetheart, you may want
to sit down for this.
Who want little tiny tacos?
Ooh, little taco.
I'll have one of those.
It's him!
Sorry I took so long.
I was going to the bathroom
and I just couldn't stop
looking at my penis,
'cause it's, you know,
so fantastic.
You're a monster...
Yeah, I heard it's fantastic.
You're a monster, James Woods!
You think you can just commit
murder and get away with it?!
Quagmire loved that girl!
Easy.
Murder?
Wha-What are you
talking about?
You're going away
for a long time, pal.
Jimmy, what
does he mean?
Look, I honestly don't know
what's going on here.
Oh, really?
Well, maybe that dead pile
of cookie dough
in the next room
will refresh your memory.
What do you mean?
There's nothing
in the next room.
It's gone!
Where is she, Woods?
What'd you do with the body?
What body?
You know,
maybe she wasn't dead.
I'll admit it, I'm-I'm not great
with that stuff sometimes.
All right, I don't know
what's happening here,
but look, I'm a lot
of things.
A member of Mensa,
a huge hit with the ladies,
someone who, you know,
would have broken out bigger
if he weren't so impossible
to work with.
Right. But a murderer?
I only just found God.
Why would I jeopardize
my entrance into heaven?
If I were you,
I'd keep your mouth shut
till you talk to a lawyer.
I didn't kill anybody!
Oh my God.
Is this what black people see
all the time?
Look!
He's dead.
Oh, my God!
Nice.
Nobody touch the knife!
There could be
fingerprints on it.
So James Woods
murdered Stephanie
and then he
murdered himself.
Criss-cross.
No, Peter.
Don't you see?
He didn't kill himself and
he didn't kill Stephanie.
What are you saying?
I'm saying, James Woods
isn't the murderer.
The murderer...
Is one of us!
And someone ate the last
goat cheese tartlet.
Now I hope
I die next.
Okay, everyone,
it's important that
we all stay calm.
How are we supposed
to stay calm?!
There's a killer
in the room!
We all got to get out of here!
We're all gonna die!
Mr. Mayor,
pull yourself together!
Wait a minute.
Joe, look!
Oh, my God.
Stephanie was
an accident.
That's a way of putting it.
What do you
mean, Joe?
This gun was timed to fire
directly at that chair,
where James Woods
would have been sitting.
But he left
and Stephanie was
in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
So whoever the murderer is,
they were after James Woods,
not Stephanie.
The question is,
who here wanted
James Woods dead?
Let's look around and see
if we can find any more clues.
Oh, my God.
Brian, I feel like
everyone's wondering
why I'm wearing shorts.
Nobody's even
looking at you.
That's what I mean.
The fact that
no one has said anything
makes it even more obvious
that everyone has noticed.
Brian, look
what I found!
Check it out!
I'm a robot from outer space!
Hang on. I'm coming down.
Go, go, gadget skis!
Uh-oh.
All right, since it's my fault
that Joe got knocked out,
it is now my responsibility
to take over the investigation.
I-I don't know if
that actually follows.
Oh, it does follow, Brian.
Because I'm the one
with the giant magnifying glass.
Is my eye big?
Yeah.
Good.
Good. That means progress.
All right, let's-let's
figure out what we know here.
The gun was clearly meant
to kill James Woods,
but Stephanie got in the way.
So the murderer had to improvise
and finish the job
by stabbing him.
Now who here had a motive
for wanting James Woods dead?
Well, according
to James Woods, we all did.
He brought us here
to make amends with us.
But he wronged one of us
enough to want revenge.
The question is, who?
Well, I know one person
who could have.
My partner Tom.
All right, it's true.
James Woods ruined my career!
I originally wanted
to be an actor.
And I booked the lead role
in Nightmare on Elm Street.
But James Woods said:
"No, don't bother.
Something else will come along."
So I turned it down.
And now this Robert Englund
is the talk of the town.
That should be me
everyone's talking about!
Was I angry?
Yes, of course!
But I didn't kill him!
What about Seamus?
You hated James Woods.
You told me so!
Aye. He's the one
who made me what I am today.
I wish you were a real,
live ornery sea captain.
But he didn't
wish hard enough!
It only worked
on me head!
Oh, my God,
seriously?
No. Actually,
I was a normal guy
until one night,
we dropped acid together,
and he thought
I was a steak.
Grilled me,
ate me arms and legs.
It was a whole thing.
But I'm not the killer!
What about
the mayor?
He could have killed him
and got himself off scot-free!
He took the Twitter name
Mayor West,
so now I have
to use Mayor underscore West.
That rat-faced cracker!
But you hated him,
too, Dr. Hartman.
Sure, I hated him,
but so did Mort.
I didn't kill him!
Maybe it
was Diane.
James Woods promised
to introduce me to Dan Rather.
But instead, he introduced me
to Danny Bonaduce.
I tell you, that guy looks
like a dog turning 30.
But what about the old guy?
I heard him complaining
about Woods in the dining room.
That's true.
He replaced my Cialis
with methamphetamines!
Pedal faster!
I can't go any faster!
Where you
going, kids?
Hey, I just want
to talk to you.
Why don't you come
over to my place
for a glass of wine and
a couple of fruit pies
and then we can go
in the back room
and play crazy snake.
Hee-hee-hee!
And what about Quagmire?
Fine! So he stole
Cheryl Tiegs from me!
He ruined your TV pilot!
Go to hell! I backed out
of that project willingly.
Oh, yeah, that's what
every hack says.
You know, Brian...
I'm telling you...
Eh. My secret
room's bigger.
Mine's smaller.
All right, stand back.
This could be dangerous.
Oh, laundry room.
Laundry room, everybody.
Oh, see, here we go.
Aha!
James Woods made a list
of all his misdeeds
so he could make amends.
Bonnie, he punched you
in the throat
and that's why
you sound like that?
No, he punched me in the throat
because I sound like this.
And Consuela, he...
Actually, I can't read
his handwriting here.
What-what happened?
One day, I bring
my nephew to work
and he molest my nephew,
and my nephew, he only 14
and he cry and then,
he shoot himself in the face.
What are all these?
God, there are tons
of OxyContin bottles in here.
All prescribed to James Woods.
And all from Goldman's Pharmacy.
What's that
all about, Goldman?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
James Woods never bought
anything in my pharmacy. Ever.
Yes, he did.
Says here he talked Muriel
into selling him OxyContin
for him and
his 19-year-old girlfriend.
This went on for weeks,
but then she started
to have misgivings
and threatened to cut him off.
But he wouldn't let her.
He threatened to blackmail her
by turning her in to the Feds.
Sounds like
a pretty good motive to me.
No! No, it's not true!
I would never kill anybody,
never!
And I am not saying another word
until I talk to my lawyer,
because...
Why is he wearing shorts?
Oh, my God,
I told you!
Muriel, just surrender quietly.
It'll be easier
for us all if you...
She's gone!
We lost her.
Well, as long as there's
a murderer on the loose,
none of us are safe.
All right, let's split up
and search the house.
I'll go with Lois.
Chris, you check the basement
with Herbert.
Meg, you go
with Brian and Stewie.
Uh, no,
she-she can't.
Yeah, uh,
she can't.
We-we-we were gonna
use this time, uh...
To figure out what to get
you for your birthday.
Ooh, ah, okay.
Oh, yeah, no, you guys go.
You guys, ooh,
now I'm excited.
Um, okay, um, Meg,
you go with Carl.
Sorry, Carl.
Tom and Diane,
you're a team.
Quagmire and Bonnie,
you're a team.
Um... Seamus and Dr. Hartman?
That-that could be funny.
Don't usually see
the two of you together.
Uh, Derek and Jillian,
you guys take the attic.
Joe and Priscilla
are still passed out,
so they'll be
the unconscious team.
And that leaves
one three-person team
of Mort, Consuela,
and Mayor West.
All right. Let's do this.
So, uh...
You guys like
to party?
No!
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, what a
couple of squares.
Squaresville,
I tell ya!
What are we supposed
to be doing again?
We're looking
for Muriel Goldman, honey.
Hello?
Is anybody up here?
Hey, maybe it was that cat
who was the murderer.
Let me ask him.
Meow, meow, meow?
Meow-meow-meow-meow?
We don't all talk like that.
I happen to be a professor.
Our apologies, sir.
I should imagine so.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have papers to correct.
Chris, I'm worried, with
this killer on the loose.
If I should die, I-I
just want you to know
that they might
find some things.
Strange things.
Um... Okay.
And there's gonna
be a lot of talk.
Nasty talk.
And I just want you
to know, from me,
it's all gonna be
out of context.
I don't know
what that means.
It means, if I die, you
got to burn my house down!
Muriel?
Oh, yeah, like she's going
to answer you, Tom.
And here we go
with the attitude.
This is why
you're single.
Oh, so I'm not
supposed to point out
when you do
something stupid?
You hear that? You hear
that tone you're using?
That's penis repellent
right there.
Careful.
She could be hiding behind
any one of these statues.
Muriel, this is Tom Tucker
from the Channel Five news.
Perhaps you'd like
an autograph.
Oh, for God's sakes.
Do you hear yourself?
There it is.
Knock it off!
Hey, wait a minute.
Doesn't feel like
there's any wall here.
What do you
think's in there?
I don't know.
Looks scary.
What do you
think, Ollie?
I miss Ollie.
I better take a look.
No. I'll go first.
Do you see anything?
No, it's-it's
too dark.
Tom? Tom!
Oh, sweet.
A pool table.
Let's see if we can
find some cues.
What is it?!
Whew. It's okay.
It's just the stuffed bear
from The great outdoors.
Did you see
The great outdoors?
No.
You suck.
Hey, I found the pool cues!
Meg?
Looks like I'm all alone.
Well, hey, that's all right.
I watch a lot of movies.
I can just use my imagination.
Hi, Carl.
Hey, bear.
So, um, in the
bear world,
are, like, pandas your version
of interracial children?
Yeah. Pandas aren't
something I agree with.
They're cute,
though, right?
Just when they're babies.
Boy, it's really
raining hard.
Yeah, well,
we needed it.
What?
Peter, we've been
married a long time.
Why do I still get "guy in
an elevator" small talk?
I don't know. You're the one
talking about the weather.
So...
Looking forward
to the weekend?
It's okay.
It's just us.
Oh, Quagmire, Bonnie,
you scared us.
Have you seen
any sign of Muriel?
Oh, why didn't I
think of this before?
I should just check the "Find
a Jew" app on my phone.
Huh. There's just
two big clusters
on each side of the country.
No, look.
There's one down south.
Ah, they got him.
Okay, um...
Oh, uh, Lost in space.
Yup, okay. Um...
Oh, uh, uh, that's
Dick Van Dyke.
Okay, um...
Oh, okay,
I-I-I got one, um...
I have no idea.
♪ Linda Evans
and John Forsythe ♪
♪ They're coming down
big, long stairs ♪
♪ Come on, Brian,
you know this ♪
♪ We're all rich ♪
♪ And we're all
at least in our late 50s ♪
♪ Think Joan Collins ♪
♪ Come on, Brian,
you know this ♪
♪ It's the middle
trumpet part ♪
♪ It was a pretty big deal
for Diahann Carroll ♪
♪ To play a rich, black woman
in the 80s. ♪
Come on, Bri. Right?
Y-You don't know this?
Uh, Falcon Crest?
Oh, it's "Dinasty"!
Oh. Yeah, I-I
didn't watch that.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Muriel!
My sweet Muriel!
She was so young.
She was so beauti...
She was so genero...
Uh, we were married.
Look! This is the same knife
that killed James Woods.
Oh, my God!
Then Muriel wasn't the killer.
Well, then, who is?
I don't know,
but one thing's for sure.
If we don't find out
before this storm lets up,
we're all gonna be dead
by morning.
All right, if we're going
to make it out alive,
we got to stick
together from now on.
Is everyone here?
Wait a minute, wait.
Where's Meg?
And where's Tom Tucker?
Right here!
Oh, my God!
What happened?
I fell through a trapdoor
that led to
an underground passageway.
So I followed it,
and it led me
to a hatch over there
in the parlor.
The same thing
happened to me.
But with
a moustache.
Hey, Peter,
look at this.
I'm getting a faint signal
on my cell phone.
Really?
Oh, my god, is that...
Are you holding up
the whole Hollywood sign?
No, no, no, no.
The sign was way
in the background.
I was standing in the
foreground going like this
when Jillian took the picture,
so by forced perspective,
it looks like I'm holding
up the whole sign.
I don't believe you.
I think you are a god.
And I will die for
you or kill others.
Damn it.
The signal's gone.
If I can get up
to the roof or something,
maybe I can get a stronger
signal and call the police.
Okay. And I will skin
this dog in your honor.
Please don't.
As you wish.
Do you really think
it could work, Derek?
There's only one
way to find out.
I'll be back.
All right, nobody leaves
this room until he gets back.
Wait a minute.
Something's not right here.
We're short one vagina
in this room.
Oh, my God!
Priscilla's gone!
Th-That's impossible.
She was still passed out
on the couch when we left.
What the hell happened?
Joe! You're okay!
Yeah, I'm fine.
What's going on?
What's going on is,
Priscilla's the murderer!
Wait a second.
We don't know that.
Well, she was by herself
this whole time!
Yes, but she was unconscious!
She could've come to
and killed Muriel!
This is all speculation!
We don't know she's the killer!
Yeah, besides, she's hot!
Hot chicks are never crazy!
Derek lifted
up the Hollywood sign.
He did, too! I
saw the picture!
Come on.
Yes!
Hey.
What are you doing up here?
Wait a minute.
What the hell is this?
Oh, my God! It's you!
The man or woman
who's been killing everybody!
Stay back. Stay back.
It came from over there!
Dear God!
He's dead.
Do you think he
slipped off the roof?
Maybe. But he was dead
before the fall.
Look at this, he's been hit on
the head by a blunt object.
Oh, my God, no, Derek!
Oh, Jillian,
I'm so sorry.
Hey, can you
grab his phone?
I want to prove
something to these guys.
I-I-It's Priscilla.
I-I mean, it's
got to be Priscilla.
She's the only one
who's not here.
Look, maybe, maybe not.
We thought
Muriel was the killer
and look how that turned out.
We have no proof of anything.
Is this the latest
you've ever stayed up?
It's the latest
I've ever stayed up.
Oh, no!
Someone's taken
Mr. Woods' Golden Globe!
She's right! There was
a Golden Globe award
here, and it's gone.
I think we may have
identified our blunt object.
So all we have to do
is find that Golden Globe
and we'll have our murder
weapon and if we're lucky,
it may just mean
we'll have our killer.
All right, from
this moment forward,
nobody leaves the group.
Joe's right.
Everyone huddle up.
Good. Now, we're gonna
search the house
and we're gonna move as one.
Anyone who separates
from the group
we will assume to be the killer.
All clear?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
Let's do this!
Oh, boy, we got
a problem here.
All right,
on the count of three.
One, two...
Three!
Thanks, guys.
Stop it, Peter.
Peter, knock it off!
Okay, Jew. Joe.
Shut up!
I'm not Jewish!
Well, I think we've
learned a little something
about our friendly
neighborhood policeman today.
All right, we got to search
every one of these rooms.
We'll start with Quagmire's.
Oh, my God!
Are those
Stephanie's underpants?
Oh, God.
They're huge!
Looks like the crotch got
chewed on by a walrus mouth.
Look, it's got flowers!
I mean, why bother?
Who's gonna see 'em?
Maybe someone in space.
Come on, guys, can't we all
just be glad she's dead?
Whose room is this?
It's, uh, my room.
You travel with a giant
poster of yourself?
Yes. It helps me get to sleep,
knowing that big Tom Tucker
is keeping a watchful eye out
for nocturnal intruders.
What a ridiculous
man you are.
Look, I didn't know my room
was gonna be scrutinized.
I-If you don't like it,
let's get out of here.
Not till we've
searched the place.
You guys?
Oh, my God!
Well, well, I think
we've found our killer.
Oh, now, now, wait a minute,
that's not mine!
I suppose it crawled under
your bed all by itself.
Well, maybe it did.
I didn't murder anybody.
Tell it to Mike Judge.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
uh, this is crazy.
Wh-What about Priscilla?
We have no idea
where she is.
She could've planted that there.
Well, uh...
I suppose it's possible.
What the hell?
Aw, dang it, I got a nosebleed.
No, you don't.
Peter, give me a boost.
You're going
to jail, Tucker.
Like hell I am! You're not
taking me anywhere,
you podunk,
Quahog redneck cop!
Not you or anyone else
in this damn town!
I'm not going to jail!
After him!
Give it up, Tucker!
Make me, Swanson!
Damn, he's slippery.
You guys give up?
What do we do?
Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys!
I got an idea.
Shoot. What if half of us
go around one side of the table,
and the other half
go around the other side
and then we won't have
to chase him around in circles.
Damn, that's
awfully risky.
It sure is, but at this point
I'm willing to try anything.
All right.
Let's do it!
It worked!
Let me go!
Let me go,
you bastards!
You're all gonna
pay for this!
Just for that, when the movie
of this story comes out,
I'm gonna make sure
Adrian Brody plays you.
I guess that means you
don't want anyone to see it.
Okay. All right.
Thanks a lot for
your help, boys.
You know, despite all the
craziness this weekend,
I feel like a lot of people
were looking at me like
I was really attractive.
Which makes me think
that I'm gonna grow up
to be good-looking.
What part of
that statement
is supposed to lure me
into a conversation?
I talk to you about
wet tennis balls.
Oh, come on!
We're in a fight!
Lois, are any of my Hot wheels
in the bath... L-Lois?
Lois? Lois?
Lois, are any of my Hot wheels
in the bathroom?
No, I put 'em all in your bag.
Okay, well, I don't
see the fire engine,
but I guess we'll just find out
when we get home, won't we?
I'll see you in the car.
Hi, Diane.
Oh, hi, Lois.
How you doing?
I just thought I'd
make sure you were okay.
Oh, I'm managing.
It's just...
so hard to believe
you can work with someone
for 15 years
and yet have no idea
who they really are
or what they're capable of.
Oh, I know.
And I'm sorry.
So, what happens now?
Will you just anchor
the news by yourself?
I suppose, for the time being.
Well, that's kind of
exciting, right?
You sound
like my mother.
She actually
bought me this blouse
for my first solo broadcast.
I guess that's sweet, huh?
She... Uh...
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
What do you mean?
I mean, how could she have known
you'd be anchoring alone?
I mean, none of this
happened until...
Gosh, I, uh, you know,
I think I'd better, uh...
go make sure Peter
has his, uh...
Fire engine.
Oh, really?
But I was enjoying our talk.
Oh, no, I... So was I,
but, you know,
I've, really, I should...
I should go.
No. I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it was you.
You're the killer!
Very clever, Lois.
You shouldn't have stopped
to say hi to me.
You would've lived longer.
God, why do I ever try to
be friends with other women?
But, Diane, why?
How could you do all
these horrible things?
Well, I suppose it all
really began a year ago
when James Woods and I met
at a press event
and began seeing each other.
We both valued
our privacy, however,
so we agreed to keep it
a secret from the media.
Everything in my life
was wonderful.
But then a few months ago,
I turned 40.
Surprise!
It was hard for me
to begin with,
but it got worse when,
not so coincidentally,
Tom began pushing
Channel Five News to replace me
with a fresh, young face
and he succeeded.
Three weeks from now,
I'll be off the air.
Well, apparently,
all men think the same way,
because around the same time,
James dumped me.
I watched my career
and my love life crumble
and I wasn't gonna just
stand by and take it.
That's when I had
the good fortune
to meet a young news intern
named Priscilla.
She was so anxious to get
into the reporting business
and would have done anything
to get on my good side.
So I seized the moment.
I paid her off to seduce
James Woods and reel him
into a relationship
like a fish on a line.
I knew a hot, young woman
like Priscilla
could manipulate him
into doing anything I wanted.
At my direction,
she persuaded him
to become
a born-again Christian,
and instilled him with
the drive to bring together
all the people he'd wronged.
That's how this weekend
came to pass.
Of course, Priscilla knew
nothing of my real intentions,
but she played the part
beautifully, nonetheless.
There's no way
she could have known
I planned to kill James Woods
and frame Tom Tucker,
thereby destroying
the two people
who cast me aside
and ruined my life.
Oh, my God...
You're 40?
Yes. I'm 40.
But then why did
you kill the others?
It was all supposed
to go so smoothly.
The hidden gun goes off,
kills James Woods
and at the first opportunity,
I retrieve the gun
and plant it in Tom's bag.
James Woods is dead,
Tom goes to prison -
nice and easy.
But Stephanie got in the way.
She was in James' chair
at the wrong time.
And when I realized
my mistake,
I had to improvise.
The power outage provided
a perfect cover.
I grabbed the knife off the
dinner table and stabbed him.
But as Joe pointed out,
there were fingerprints.
I couldn't just leave it there.
So when Tom and I got separated
in the gallery,
I went back into the dining
room and got the knife.
But at that moment,
Priscilla regained
consciousness after fainting.
She started
to become hysterical.
I knew I couldn't
risk her revealing
that I had engineered
this whole gathering...
So I killed her.
And I hid her in Tom's room.
I tried to plant the knife
in Tom's suitcase,
but at that moment,
Muriel walked in,
caught me in the act.
It wasn't her fault,
poor thing,
but she had to die.
I stabbed her
and she screamed.
I had to leave the knife
in her, because
I couldn't very well
hide it on my person with
everyone quickly closing in.
So I wiped off
the fingerprints and ran.
I slipped in
with the rest of the group,
when they all converged
on the scene.
I needed more time
to finish my work framing Tom.
But that's when Derek
went out to the balcony.
I couldn't let him
contact the police
before everything
was in the place.
So I had to kill him, too.
When Peter was yelling
at everyone
about that picture of Derek
holding up the Hollywood sign,
I grabbed the Golden Globe
and slipped out.
I followed Derek outside
and did what I had to do.
I barely had enough time
to plant the Golden Globe
in Tom's room and run back
downstairs,
where I took advantage
of the commotion
and joined the crowd
as they were all running
outside.
And the rest...
Well, you did
all the rest for me.
You turned on Tom
exactly as I planned.
So there it is, Lois.
My God.
But wait, there's one
thing unaccounted for,
what happened to
Stephanie's body?
Actually, that's
the one thing I don't know.
Damn it!
Well, now you know
everything, Lois.
Which, of course, means
I have to kill you.
Lois, are you coming?
I can't play my tapes
without the key.
Well, actually, Lois and I
were just about to go
for a quick walk,
weren't we, Lois?
We've been getting
better acquainted.
All right, well, just
give me the key, please.
All right, Peter,
I'll get it.
Don't put a gun in my back.
I'm not, I'm just asking for the key.
Give me the key.
Peter, we've been
married 20 years.
Please recognize when I'm
acting out of the ordinary
because I'm in danger.
Here you go.
Here's the key, Pete.
Why is she calling me Pete?
We been married 14 years.
She never called me Pete.
Why am I trying to
figure this out
when I could be listening
to my tapes in the car?
Bye.
Shall we?
Well, it's a shame that
you have to die, Lois,
but look on the bright side:
You'll be a story
on the 6:00 news.
You know, unless a local
cat does something funny.
Diane, please,
please, don't do this!
I won't tell anybody,
I swear to God!
That's right. You won't.
Good bye, Lois.
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Whoever you are, thank you!
If anybody's gonna take that
bitch down, it's gonna be me.