Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - Quagmire's Baby - full transcript

Giggity Team
Gu?j1

s08e06
- Quagmire's Baby -

How's the garage sale going ?

Pretty good. Just clearing some
of my stuff out of the basement.

It's amazing what you find
when you clean your basement.

Peter, you almost done
down there ?

Look what I found.

That's wonderful, peter.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go do some skywriting.

Hey, look at all these videos
Mr. Quagmire's selling.

Wow, the best of the world's
wildest police chases.



and it even has the one
with the Flintstones !

Amazingly, this drunk driver

Turns left
into oncoming traffic !

He narrowly misses
hitting a pedestrian

Who jumps out of the way
just in time.

Now the driver can add
attempted battery to the charges.

The driver turns right into the parking
lot of a drive-in movie theater.

At this point, the dinosaur in the back
seat Pokes his head up through the roof

And the driver places two
small children on top of it.

Now he's not only
endangering his own life,

But their lives as well.

The driver totals the car
and makes a run for it,

But the pursuing officers
are prepared.

Running from the cops ?



Yabba-dabba-don't !

I think I might wanna buy
this ham radio off ya.

- Sure, peter, that'll be 50 dollars.
- 50 bucks ?

All right, fine,
I'll buy it.

Man, this is a bigger rip-off
than shrunky dinks.

- They already been shrunk.
- Happy "birthmas."

Peter, you been fiddling with
that ham radio for seven weeks.

Take a shower !

I can barely get any reception
on this stupid thing.

So far the only station that
comes in is some british guys

reading news from places
I'm not sure exist.

Today, in Kuzikistan,
a peaceful demonstration

turned to bloodshed as members
of the turzirly tribe

flooded Kenpao square
in remembrance

of the third anniversary
of the Hormsburg massacre.

But finally, some good news
out of neighboring Kanduzi,

as locals there have reached
an uneasy alliance

with the bordering
Trolika Bubsie Wubsie Dal.

And now with sports,
here's Framptal Tromwibbler.

From the world of sport,
the cointen spinky whompers

Flumped the floing boing
welfencloppers,

70-fluff to 40-flabe.

At the tone, the time
will be 26 railroad.

I'm not sure about any of that.

You know, dad, I saw
that movie White Noise,

and they said you can use empty
radio static to talk to dead people.

You idiot, ghosts don't exist.

Wait a second. They might.

Hello, ghosts.

Come in, ghosts.

- Hello ?
- Hello ? Who's this ?

This is Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan ?

The guy that used to bang
that 70-pound witch ?

Ronald Reagan, former
president of the United States.

Oh, my god !

Hey, quagmire, guess who
I'm talking to right now ?

Yep !

Brian, will you take me
down to baby gap ?

- I want to dress like a small douche.
- No, maybe tomorrow or Tuesday.

- But you said you'd do it today.
- I'm kinda tired.

Oh, for god's sake.
Cancel my Tuesday appointments !

Sure thing, Stewie.

You want me to move it
to another day ?

- No, no, just cancel it.
- Okay, will do.

Who the hell was that ?

There was another
Stewie right there.

Well, you know,
I've been so damn busy lately.

My schedule's been so packed. I felt
like I needed some kind of an errand boy

to do all my nitpicky,
pain-in-the-ass stuff.

So I cloned myself.

- You... You cloned yourself ?
- What are you deaf ?

So he's an exact copy of you ?

Well, not exact.
I have to remain superior

So I bred out some of the intelligence.
Made him sort of a simpleton.

I call him bitch Stewie.

Would you like to meet him ?
Would you like to meet bitch Stewie ?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

Bitch Stewie ! Come here
and meet my friend, brain.

Hey, there, Stewie.
Oh, what's that ? You got a friend ?

I'm always happy to meet
one of your friends.

- Dear god.
- How do you do ?

- Pleased to meet you. I'm bitch Stewie.
- He's got quite a grip.

Bitch Stewie, why are
there no midget accountants ?

Because they always
come up short.

Oh, another good one, Stewie !

I don't know where
you come up with them.

Isn't he wonderful ?

And all I have to feed him
is a crude peanut paste.

Watch this.

It's not much, but it's healthier
than what people ate in the 50's.

- Steak and donut sandwich, please.
- You want cigarettes on that sandwich ?

What do I look like ? A Mary ?
Yes, I want cigarettes !

Okay, next up on the stage,

Let's have a big karaoke welcome
for Peter and Ron !

Okay, this is one
of our favorites.

Hope it's one of yours.

Don't go breaking my heart

I couldn't...

Oh, honey, if I get restless

Baby, you're...

Don't go breaking my heart

Oh, honey, when I knock on your door

Sorry, didn't realize
somebody was in here.

What the hell ?

- Oh, hello, Brian.
- Oh, there's your friend, Brian !

Hey, Brian ! I sure did enjoy
talking to you the other day !

I'm just making sure
Stewie is nice and clean

for his trip to the playground
this afternoon.

We had a little bit of a problem earlier
because bitch Stewie

was stooling in the tub, wasn't he ?

I did some poos. I did some poos.
I didn't mean to.

But we've rectified that now,
and everything's fine.

This is really weird. I mean, it's...

one thing to have him help you out
with a busy schedule.

It's another thing to let him
wash your back.

He does more than that, Brian.

Bitch Stewie, give
me a bubble beard.

Look at me, I'm
George Bernard Shaw.

That's awful funny, Stewie !

I don't know who
George Bernard Shaw is,

But you look like
an old Stewie, Stewie.

Enjoy your weird bath.

I told him I did the poos

even though you did
the poos, Stewie.

Did I do good, Stewie ?

That was very correct
of you, bitch Stewie.

You're a good helper.

And what a lot of people don't know

is that I was Jane Wyman's first.

You might say
I broke her Jane Wyman.

Oh, Reagan is a delight !

He sure is, and you
know what else ?

The ghost of Reagan is gonna be
the new fourth guy in our group.

I'm all for that.
What other stories you got, Reagan ?

Well, I remember the time

I invited Ed Sullivan
to the White House.

He sounded a little
something like this :

Hey, Ron, tonight we got
a really big show.

Ah, Reagan
does impressions !

That's right. And you know
who else does impressions ?

Rich little.

In fact, you ought to go see his
show at the Mohegan sun casino

Next Saturday
at 3 : 00 pm and 5 : 00 pm.

Wait a second.

- Yeah, no ***.
- What ?

That's not Ronald Reagan.
That's Rich Little !

- You're rich little !
- He must be on his own ham radio !

Ah, well, uh, you know, ed,

The kids say you gotta go viral
to promote yourself these days.

So, this is not Reagan ?

No, it's rich little.
He's an impressionist.

- He's been screwing with your head.
- Well, this thing is worthless.

Like my palestinian
alarm clock.

Allah akbar !

What's up ?

Hey, quagmire, uh, listen.

I'm here to get my money
back for that ham radio.

Whoa, whoa... slow down there, partner.
All sales are final.

Yeah, but you were Agamemnon
with me during the sale.

What ?

I just saw that word somewhere.
I wanted to use it.

Look, peter, why don't you just
go home before you get hurt ?

Well, I'm clearly not the only one who
was dissatisfied with his purchase.

Whoever bought that baby from
you obviously didn't want it.

A baby ?
I didn't sell a baby.

Look, there's a note.

"Glenn, this is your child.

Next time wear
a condom, jerk."

Oh, my god !

Well, now,
hang on, quagmire.

There's no guarantee
it's your baby.

Giggity ?

Oh...
I say that.

Well, the DNA test
results are back.

This little girl is definitely
your baby, quagmire.

Wh-what am I supposed to do ?
I-I don't want a baby.

Somebody's gotta take this kid
off my hands. I-I can't be a father.

Well, Glenn, you don't
have a choice.

This baby is
your responsibility.

Now, I brought you a basket
of things to get you started.

There's baby clothes,
some toys, and some books.

Now, if you have any questions,
we're right across the street.

Hey, what's going on ?

Not really sure what I'm
supposed to do with you.

There's some frozen steaks
in the freezer.

Bathroom's down the hall
to the right.

Uh, if you ever come home
and there's a tie on the door,

It means I'm frogging someone,
So give me at least...

a couple hours.

You smoke ?

What are you doing here ?

I thought you were going to
bobby Stalling's birthday party.

Ugh, I hate that kid. And I hate
children's birthday parties.

I sent bitch Stewie
in my place.

Oh, what a great
little party, Janet.

You know, I've never seen Stewie
come out of his shell so much.

Oh, no, it's not on his tail.

It's on his face.
I've ruined it !

Oh, no, well,
that's okay, though.

Somebody else will come along
and get it right !

Thanks for coming to my
birthday party, Stewie.

I wouldn't have
missed it for anything !

I've never been
to a party before !

Wanna watch me
blow out the candles ?

I would love to see that !

And gosh, bobby, I'd love to play
with some of your birthday toys,

But only after you've played with
them and only if you say it's okay !

You know, Stewie, I gotta say,

That clone of yours
has come in pretty handy.

I... don't suppose you'd consider
making one of those for me, would you ?

Maybe. What would you be
willing to do for me ?

What do you want ?

Take your index finger
and your thumb

and lightly grip
the base of your tail.

What ?

Lightly grip
the base of your tail

with your index finger
and your thumb

And then slide your fingers up
the length of your tail to the tip.

Why ?

Because that's
what I asked you to do.

That's kind of weird.
Is this some kind of sexual thing ?

Nobody said anything about sexual.
There's nothing sexual about it.

I'm just asking you
to perform a simple task.

Take your index finger
and your thumb

and lightly grip
the base of your tail

and run your fingers
along the length of your tail.

You mean stroke it ?

Nobody used that word.
This is not a stroking motion.

This is a completely nonsexual
thing I am asking you to do

in a completely
nonsexual way.

Squeeze the base
of the tail lightly

with your thumb
and index finger

and then,
while continuing to squeeze,

run them up the length
of your tail to the tip

and I'll make you a clone.

- I only have to do it once ?
- I'll tell you when to stop.

I don't know why you're stopping.
Nobody told you to stop.

Give me a little smile.

Your lips look a little dry.
Why don't you wet'em a little bit ?

Oh, my god,
you're so weird !

All right, I'll make you
a clone, buddy.

Oh, she's a beautiful
little girl, Glenn.

- Have you given her a name yet ?
- Yeah, I named her Anna lee,

but I'm probably going
to call her Annal for short.

- That's funny.
- Thank you.

Anyway, thanks for all the baby stuff.
What's that big tarp over there ?

Oh, that was Chris's blankie
from when he was a baby.

Yeah, he was a big kid.

Almost split Lois in half,
coming out of her.

It's true. I never mentioned this
because I don't want him to feel bad,

but after he was born, they had
to rearrange most of my organs.

Oh, yeah. He dragged half
of Lois right out with him.

Yeah, the doctors said I'll
be lucky if I live past 50 but,

Chris is healthy,
and I thank god for that.

Oh, there you are, Brian.

All right, you ready
to meet your clone ?

Am I ever ? I've got a to-do list
three pages long for him.

Okay, now I want to qualify
this by reminding you,

as with my clone, the intelligence
level is reduced a bit.

That's good. We don't
want him thinking too much.

Yeah, well, I might have dialed yours
back a little more than I ought to have.

- What do you mean ?
- Brian, meet bitch Brian.

Hi, Brian. You got some stuff
you want me to do for you ?

Oh, my god.

Yeah. That's kind of
what I said, too.

I'll be honest with you, Brian.
Here's what happened.

I didn't really want to do the work,
so bitch Stewie sort of did it.

Hey, Stewie,
how'd the clone turn out ?

Brian, I can't go
to the bathroom by myself.

Will you please help me ?
But I'm good at other stuff !

- Hello, candy.
- Hi, Glenn.

Come on in.

So, how long you been
in beauty school ?

- Two months.
- Well, tonight we're doing facials.

Oh, god. Hang on a second.

Okay, okay. Stop.
Just stop crying.

Stop crying, Anna lee.

Oh, no wonder. You
dropped your pacifier.

- You have a baby ?
- Yeah. It's a long story.

Damn kid's kept me up
every night for two weeks.

Now, where were we ?

Giggity-giggity...

Glenn, you fell asleep,
so I took off.

It's probably for the best.

I've never had sex before and I probably
wouldn't have been much good at it.

That's it.
That kid is out of here.

Hey, there's another note.

"Glenn, this is your child.
Next time wear a condom, jer..."

Oh, that's the note
from earlier.

I...

Need a file cabinet.

So, it's just not working out,
me being a father and

that's why I'm wondering if you and Lois
would be willing to adopt the baby.

Uh... Oh, boy, quagmire.
I-I don't know that we can do that.

We can barely take
care of the two we have.

Now-now, this is
just a suggestion.

Just throwing it out there.
Have you considered abortion ?

Uh, peter, I think
it's too late for that.

Oh, don't let the press
put the scare into you.

Wade V. Boggs has
not been overturned.

Yeah, but you can't really
abort a live baby.

Ho, boy, they have got you.

Glenn, Glenn.

Give her back to god.

I'm going to go ahead and
move the conversation forward.

Is there any way
you guys could take Anna lee ?

No, quagmire.
We got enough kids of our own,

Plus ol'Brian over there.
Right, buddy ?

I sharpened a
pencil in my bum

And now I need
a band-aid.

You're doing
the right thing, quagmire.

All right, quagmire, just so
you're clear on the law,

Once you give this child up
to the adoption agency,

You can no longer abort it.

Hello, sir. Do you wish to put this
child up for adoption ?

Yeah. It's not working out.

- I need to get her out of my hair.
- We can help you there.

Is it a boy or a girl ?

It's a girl.
Her name's Anna lee.

Oh, beautiful name.
Let me take her from you.

Well, go on, quagmire.
Give her the baby.

I-I will.

I-I just...

Here.

She, uh... She'll go
to a good home, right ?

Oh, yes.

She'll be
somewhere safe, right ?

Like, you're not going to put
her with sand people, right ?

You mean like
from star wars ?

no, no, no, no, no.

Brian, I didn't know if you wanted
a god's eye, but I made you one.

Okay, thank you.

Did you wash my car,
like I asked ?

No, but I hit it
with a rock.

Okay, thanks.

Brian, I think my jaw
is falling off.

Oh ! Oh, g... Stewie,
what is happening to this thing ?!

Oh, yeah. Turns out the clones
aren't too stable, Brian.

I've been having
some trouble with mine, too.

Hey, Stewie, everything sounds
like rushing water.

And I can't stand up
so very good.

Yeah, I figure they've got less than a
minute before they dissolve completely.

Hey, Brian ?
Knock-knock.

Who's there ?

Whoa. I hope
that doesn't happen to me.

He took my dry cleaning and I have
no idea what he did with the ticket.

Yeah, this was not
a fruitful endeavor.

I'm not proud of this,
but I need to lick that up.

This will be great,

A nudie bar is
the perfect way to celebrate

- your first night without a baby.
- Yeah, peter, this is great.

I feel like myself again.

I'll tell ya, my life was
so dominated by that baby.

I'm glad she's gone.

Sometimes, you just got
to make a decision and go with it.

Like when I decided to try
that radical penis enlargement.

- Peter, I don't think...
- Your objections are duly noted.

Now hit the gas !

You know that would never work
again in a million years.

Don't need it to, Brian.

Heh. That stripper
has a rash on her ass,

Just like Anna lee
used to get.

Uh, yeah.

And that other stripper's
sitting on that guy's lap,

Just like Anna lee used to do.

I guess.

And that stripper only has
one tooth, just like Anna lee.

Quagmire,
you feeling okay ?

I don't know.

I think I might have
made a terrible mistake.

I abandoned my daughter !

Why did I give away
my only daughter ?!

Oh, god.

He'll be fine. We shouldn't let this
ruin our night.

Let's just enjoy
the strippers.

I guess.

I just hate the way that one
gets so into her work.

You boys have
been very naughty.

I'm going to have to
assign you extra homework.

Darn it.
Fractions are so hard.

What did you get
for number four ?

She said : don't
share answers !

All right, here
it is : 625 maple.

That's the family
that adopted Anna lee.

Hey, wait, wait.
Guys ?!

Well, it's just me
and my old nemesis, first step.

Hey, Joe, what you doing ?

You out for a walk ?

I hate this block.

There she is !
There's Anna lee !

Hang on, Anna lee.
I'm coming.

it's them.

Look at her.

She looks so happy.

Almost like she belongs there.

They look like a real family.

I can't take her
away from this.

What's happening ?!

He's not going
to go through with it !

It's a nice family and the kid
will be better off here !

Aw, that's sweet !

What's the inside
of the house look like ?!

Colonial !
Furniture's pretty good !

Possibly imported area rug !

Oh, that's nice !

A bit pricey, but for
the money you're spending,

You know, it's not
a bad way to go !

Yeah, for the money !
You ready to go, quagmire ?

Yeah.

You know, I got to tell you,
I think you did a good thing.

Well, I guess I just realized
it's not about me.

This family is what's
best for Anna lee.

This is her home now.

I got to let her go.

I'm proud of you, quagmire.

Thanks, man. Hey, who knows ?
Maybe I'll bump into her in 18 years.

What ?!

Did you really think I was
going to change that much ?

Good night, everybody !