Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 21 - Partial Terms of Endearment - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(overlapping chatter)
Oh, I can't wait to see all my old classmates.
This is going to be so much fun, isn't it, Peter?
Oh, sure, it's a blast being in a room
full of people you don't know.
Rather stay home and watch grass grow.
Come on, you, come on.
Hey, Peter. Hey, Joe.
Damn it!
You're not uncomfortable, are you?
Look, I'm just not wild about the idea of running
into anybody you used to date, that's all.
Oh, boy, speaking of exes, here comes one now.
Oh, man, this is what I was afraid of.
If he tries anything while I'm standing here,
I'm gonna kick him right in the ...-- gina?!
Peter, this is Naomi.
Wait, you mean you two used to, you know,
bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?
Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented
quite a bit in college.
No way.
My wife messed around with another chick.
Thank you, God.
Don't mention it, Peter.
CHORUS (singing):
Have fun.
Naomi, I'm so glad you're here.
I haven't seen you in, what, 20 years?
Oh, it's great
to see you, too, Lois, it really is.
You know, the fact is, I came here hoping to run into you.
Really?
Well, that's nice.
You see, I'd like to propose something
to you and your husband.
Oh, my God.
I'm dreaming.
I'm dreaming right now.
Well, of course, Naomi.
What'd you have in mind?
Well, this really isn't the place to discuss it.
It's just something I was wondering
if you and your husband would participate in.
I'm totally dreaming right now.
Well, as long as I'm dreaming, I might as well pee my pants.
Well, Naomi, whatever it is,
I'm sure we'd be happy to help.
Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
I'm gonna have a three-way.
This even tops sex with a mermaid.
Where is it? Keep looking.
I can't find it anywhere.
Keep looking.
There's nothing but a fish tail down there.
Keep looking.
Oh, there we go.
That's not it.
It's gonna be.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Nature: With a Guy Named Terry In It.
(cheetah growls)
BRITISH ANNOUNCER: The cheetahs will feed through the night.
While the strongest made the kill,
the oldest will eat first.
And there's Terry.
All right, come on, guys, she's gonna be here any minute.
You got to get out of here.
Why do we have to leave, Dad?
'Cause your daddy's going to have a three-way
with your mother and her friend.
Isn't that nice about Daddy's three-way?
I had a one-way one time.
That was amazing.
Sorry I farted in the middle.
All right, go on, beat it, all of you.
Peter, you're not going to be having a three-way
with Lois and her friend.
Lois isn't even into women.
She just had that one experience
in college with that girl Naomi.
Naomi's the one who's coming.
(à la the Cowardly Lion): Let me stay, let me stay!
Peter, why are you so antsy?
Because Naomi will be here shortly
and I'm anxious to get started.
What do you mean?
We don't even know why she's coming.
(laughing): "We don't ev... we don't even know why she's coming."
You are so adorable. I'm gonna do you second.
Huh?
(doorbell rings)
Hi, Naomi.
Did you pick up those tear-away panties
like I texted you?
I didn't get a text from you.
All right, not sure why, but I'll bite.
Hi, Naomi.
Hello, Lois, I want you to meet my husband Dale.
Hi, nice to meet you, Dale.
Dale?!
All right, I guess, but I'm doing you last.
Joke's on him; I only got two in me.
Lois, this is such a lovely home.
Oh, thank you.
Peter and I did it ourselves on a shoestring.
Well, you could have fooled me.
(chuckles)
Well, let me show you around.
This here is our living room.
PETER: All right, you guys,
I got a few porn scenarios for you to choose from.
Hey, everybody,
got a pizza delivery for this sorority house.
Did somebody order sausage?
(humming funky music)
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Knock it off.
Uh, we brought you some wine.
But it's best chilled before dinner.
Oh, that is so nice of you.
Yeah, let's put it on ice.
Oh, you'll have to excuse my kitchen.
I've been cooking all...
Girls, I've just finished grading your midterms,
and it's not good news.
Looks like you're going to have to do some extra credit.
(humming funky music)
Peter, what the hell?
I am so sorry about this.
Look, dinner's just about ready.
Why don't I get you seated in the dining room
and then we'll pour the wine?
All right, new arrivals,
there's only one way you're not getting on that train.
(humming funky music)
Well, we got a few hours to kill.
What do you want to do?
Let's get something to eat.
We don't have any money.
Brian, pull over there. I'll get us some money.
Now, wait, so the white ball has
to hit one of the stripey balls?
Yes, how many times you gonna ask me that?
I don't know, I'm just a baby.
All right, so I guess I'll go ahead and, um--
what is it you called it?
Break. Break, right, break.
Oh, my God, beginner's luck, huh?
Start the car, start the car!
Go, go, go, go, go! (tires screeching)
We've been hustled.
Nobody says that anymore.
Well, then what would you call it, Jared?
I wouldn't comment on it.
We were all there, we know what happened.
And so I went into corporate finance,
and that's where I met Dale.
Six months later I was asking her to marry me.
What took me so long, right?
(all laugh)
All right, we're running out of time.
We gonna get this orgy started or what?
What?
(slowly): We are running out of time.
Are we going to get this orgy started
or what?
Oh, my God, you thought that's what we were here for?
You're not? No.
Well, then what are you doing here?
Well, Dale and I found out that we can't have children.
We've conceived many times,
but for some reason, the eggs won't attach,
and it was suggested that I find a healthy woman
who would consider carrying our child to term.
And, well, Lois, that's why we're here.
We were wondering if you would be our surrogate.
Oh, my God.
You want me to carry your child?
Yes. What?!
All right, Peter, I don't know what this is about,
but you're my best friend and I'd like to think that you'd do the same for me.
(Velcro tears)
Wait a minute, so you guys can't have a baby?
Unfortunately, no.
Well, whose fault is it?
I mean-- I mean, which one of you has the thing
that's horribly wrong with them?
Is it you, Naomi?
You got a bum cervix?
Peter, it's nobody's fault.
Conception is complicated.
Dale, it's you, isn't it?
You got a bum ....
Will you help us, Lois?
Well, I... I'm honored that you would ask me, Naomi.
I... I'll have to think about it.
I mean, this is a life-altering choice,
y-you know, like an Italian choosing to get glasses.
Okay, read the third row down, please.
Ay, ay, oh, ay, oh, oh, ay!
Everyone, I have something to say.
I've given this long and careful thought,
and I've decided to carry Naomi and Dale's child for them.
You what?!
That's right, and I want your blessing, Peter.
You'll have my stool in your eye and that's all you'll get.
You can't have their baby.
Yeah, Mom, you get crazy when you're pregnant.
Mom, I can't find my jacket.
(laughing)
(sobbing)
(wailing sob)
Peter, take off that belt!
The buckle smells like acid!
(sobs)
(retches)
(coughs)
(sobbing)
Look, I know it's an inconvenience,
but it's a wonderful gift to be able to give someone,
so I am going through with it.
Well, I support you, Lois. I think it's great what you're doing.
Yeah, it's great. You're treating your vagina like a Red Roof Inn.
That's not how it is, Stewie.
She's doing something wonderful for a couple
who can't have their own children
and are too egotistical to adopt.
You know what's interesting about Lois's vagina, Brian?
Everyone in this room has been in there, except for you.
You're the only one
who doesn't know what it looks like.
Lois, I don't want you walking around all pregnant
for nine months just to hand over the thing
when it comes out like a hen to a farmer.
I mean, why's it got to be you?
Because they need a healthy female body to carry the baby.
I can do it.
Oh, come on, Meg, it was hard enough on your body
when you gave birth to Stewie.
What? (laughs)
I'm just joking.
Oh, not cool.
But really, Meg, you don't know
anything about this stuff.
You've never even had a boyfriend
more than a few weeks.
I have, too.
Remember when I dated The Count?
One nipple.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Two nipples.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Three nipp-- aw, hell, no, I'm outta here.
All right, then, it's settled.
I'm going to do this.
No, you're not, Lois.
I'm sorry, but I forbid it.
Oh, and I'm supposed to blindly go along
with everything you decide for the both of us?
Yes, Lois, that's how we coexist.
Just like I coexist with the tiny race of people
who live in our carpet.
(music playing faintly)
Dad, what's that?
I think I hear music.
Oh, that's the little people, Chris.
They're playing music so that I will bless them with food.
(people cheering faintly)
Lois, Dale and I just want to thank you again.
You're making us so happy.
Well, I wish my husband felt the same way you do,
but he's just going to have to accept it.
Now, Mrs. Griffin, you should understand,
a procedure like this is not without its risks.
For example, here's what happened when we fertilized
an egg from Shelley Duvall with a sperm from James Blunt.
Here's Hillary Swank and Gary Busey.
Florence Griffith Joyner and Stephen Hawking.
Okay, I think that's enough.
I got more funny ones.
I got Tina Fey and Joaquin Phoenix.
Yeah, I think we're fine.
Lot of face stuff going on in that one.
Yeah, let's just get to it.
Okay, so the eggs have already been fertilized
by means of intracytoplasmic sperm injection,
and now the embryos will be inserted.
The insertion procedure will be performed
by these South American Hovitos blowgunners.
Wait a minute, I don't want them
shooting things into my vagina.
Well, perhaps you could tell them--
if only you spoke Hovitos.
(three fast whooshes, Lois screaming)
I can't believe she went ahead and did it,
after I specifically told her how I felt.
Well, clearly she believed it was within her right to...
(sniffing) Lois just peed on something.
Hey, Brian, you picking up on that? Yep.
LOIS: It worked, everybody.
I'm pregnant.
Damn it, this has gone too far.
And if I'm gonna do something about it, it's got to be now.
What do you mean? What are you gonna do?
I'm not gonna do anything, Brian.
But sometimes things happen.
The house is a dangerous place for today's modern woman.
Rickety staircases, faulty wiring, gay poltergeists.
Boo!
To that outfit.
Lois, I've hired some 1980s black break-dancers
to do their routine on your stomach.
Peter, come on.
I'm having this baby, and that's the end of it.
But, Lois, if they do it good enough,
they'll save the rec center from being torn down
and replaced by some mall.
Ozone, Turbo, do your thing.
(guns cock)
Oh, no. Lois, those are '90s black guys.
Those aren't '80s black guys at all. Run!
We're here to dance for the kids.
Run, '80s black guys!
You're no match for the '90s black guys!
(both gasp)
(gunfire)
♪ ♪
Oh.
(cartoonish ricochet noises)
(descending whistle)
(sighs)
(crackling)
(wind whistling)
(descending whistle)
(thud)
Ow.
Lois, I bet I can drink more bleach than you.
Okay, you know what, Peter? Stop it.
I know you're not happy about this,
but I am pregnant and I am having this baby.
So knock it off, because I have had it!
No, I've had it!
I don't want you pregnant!
You'll be fat and cranky, and your boobs will get bigger
and you'll stop having your period...
Wait, how do I feel about this?
No, no, I'm against it, I say!
Peter, this is important.
Naomi and Dale are placing their trust in us.
And besides, it's just nine months.
Then everything will be back to normal.
TUCKER (over TV): We interrupt this program
for a breaking news story.
A devastating pile-up on I-95 has injured eight people
and killed two others.
Naomi and Dale Robinson were pronounced dead on arrival
at Quahog Hospital.
Oh, my God!
In other news, a local man has won the lottery.
Lucky Quahog resident Dale Robinson
has hit the jackp... Oh, boy.
I still just... I can't believe they're gone.
They had their whole lives ahead of them.
Well, I'll be the one to say it.
What are you gonna do about the baby?
Let's keep it for parts.
You know, Lois, you're not a young woman.
Odds are that baby's gonna be chromosomally damaged,
like those cats you see in the Special Animalympics.
(crowd cheering)
So, Whiskers, how does it feel
to finally win your event after years of training?
(slurring): Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
Why don't you put the baby up for adoption?
Well, what do we do until then?
I mean, we can't afford nine months of medical bills.
Well, you could have an abortion.
There you go, Lois. We abort it.
Send it on up to Dale and Naomi.
Hell, they're probably waiting for it anyway.
If they left their mittens here, you wouldn't keep them.
You'd send them back. Abort the thing.
Oh, I don't know, Peter.
Well, there's no harm in visiting
the Family Planning Center just to see what your options are.
(sighs)
It's such a big decision.
Of course it's a big decision.
Life is full of big decisions.
Like deciding whether or not to have Indian food.
Lois, do I need to do anything tomorrow that doesn't involve
me being bent over in excruciating pain
three feet from a toilet? No.
Time for some tikka masala.
Doctor, I won't lie to you.
I'm a little uncertain about this.
That's perfectly natural, Mrs. Griffin.
And you should ask as many questions as you can
before you decide.
So how's it work, Doc?
You strap her down and then
go hacking at her like Sweeney Todd?
No, no, good Lord, this is not 2005.
We've come a long way since then.
Okay, what, so you go stabbing in there with a laser
and you try to zap it out like, um, burning a ant
with a magnifying glass?
No, Mr. Griffin.
Well, so what, you, like, hold her legs open
and, like, send a pit bull in there?
You know, and one of them little rat-hunting dogs?
And then he comes back out with it in his mouth and he goes...
(growling) ...and, you know, y-you can't
get it away from him 'cause, you know, it's his thing.
No. Mr. Griffin, it's a very simple, safe procedure
in which we very precisely and delicately remove the embryo.
We do it all the time,
and I promise it's virtually risk-free.
Well, I have to say, I feel a little better about it.
I think this may be the right thing to do.
Mrs. Griffin, we have a saying around here:
Let's keep abortion safe, legal and rare.
Okay, well, why don't you get started?
I'm gonna go sit in the car and pretend like I'm driving.
I'm gonna be in a race.
(crowd clamoring)
Hey, what are you guys bellyaching about?
Sir, we are doing all that we can
to stop the killing of millions of unborn babies.
If you have a few moments,
I'd like you to watch this video presentation.
Yeah, I got a few minutes; my wife's getting an abortion.
(dramatic music playing)
Hello, friend.
I hear you're contemplating having an abortion.
But before you do, remember, science has proven
that within hours of conception, a human fetus has started
a college fund and has already made
your first Mother's Day card out of macaroni and glitter.
Aw.
But don't take my word for it.
Just ask my little friend Ziggy.
Hi.
I'm Ziggy the Zygote.
I'm looking forward to being an active member of your community.
Can I hug you?
(laughs) Of course you can, Ziggy.
Because even though they're not visible yet,
you already have tiny arms.
Arms that will one day work, play and fold in prayer.
Yay!
But uh-oh.
What's this?
(screaming) Oh, my God!
Well, he's gone, just like so many other promising human lives
who were probably snuffed out by abortion,
like The Guy Who Would Have Killed Hitler.
Nice going, schveinhundt.
The Fourth Stooge.
That's right.
There were supposed to be four Stooges.
It was gonna be hilarious!
And Osama Bin Laden's America-loving older brother.
I would've talked him out of it.
Wow.
Thanks a lot for 9/11, abortion enthusiasts.
And remember, not only is abortion murder,
but it's also larceny, jaywalking
and securities fraud.
And did you know the baby you're aborting may also
have a baby inside of it that you're also aborting?
Now that you know this, do you want an abortion?
No. No, I do not.
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?
Don't you worry, unborn fetus child.
I am here to save you and protect you.
I have seen the light!
Bless you, sir.
You should be very proud of yourself.
Oh, I am.
Prouder than when I was a peacock.
Griffin, nice work on the Anderson account.
So, how'd it go at the clinic?
Fine at first, but then there was a complication.
We have decided against the procedure.
Really? Why? Because it's killing babies, Brian.
If God wanted us to kill babies,
he'd make them all Chinese girls.
Peter, it's not a baby, it's a fertilized egg.
It's the size of the tip of a pin.
It's alive, isn't it?
To kill any living thing is an abortion.
That's what the man I just met outside the clinic told me.
And he had a T-shirt on that confirmed it.
Okay, well, sperm is alive,
and every time you masturbate, millions of them die.
So is it wrong to kill sperm?
Yes. Yes, it is.
From now on, no more masturbating in this house.
Wh-What?! Why?!
Because masturbation is abortion.
But abortion helps me get my homework done.
And sometimes I abort in my sleep.
What am I supposed to do about that?
Peter, I'm sorry if you disagree with me,
but according to the law, it is still my right
to choose what I do with my body.
Well, the law is wrong, Lois.
Okay, Peter, if you're so pro-life, let me ask you this:
Would you go down to the orphanage
and claim an unwanted baby and take care of it?
No, Lois, I'm here to save the unborn.
Once they get out of the vagina, they can go ... themselves.
Peter, what's inside of Lois won't be
remotely human for six months.
There's no brain activity until at least the 27th week.
It's still a person, Brian.
It's a woman's responsibility to carry it to term.
Well, what if a woman is raped?
Maybe she should have thought of that
before she asked me for directions.
Huh? What about incest, Peter?
What's incest?
You know how cousin Lou has
that kid whose eyes touch?
So, what, you're saying Touch Eyes doesn't deserve to exist?
Boy, you don't mind him when you want a needle threaded.
I'm just saying that they should have at least had the option.
How can you say that?
Think of all the love he's given to Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad.
Okay, this argument isn't working.
Peter, what if carrying the baby to term
would endanger the mother's life?
I don't know what seven of those words were.
Well, what if you look at the ultrasound and see
that the baby's gonna be born with no arms and no legs?
You name it Matt.
(horn honks)
Peter, I honestly don't care what you say.
I am going back to that clinic, and I'm having that abortion.
Oh, no you're not.
Oh, yes I am.
Now you get out of my way!
Lois, you go down there,
and I'll blow the place up. You wouldn't.
You've seen Family Guy, you know I would.
So what, y-you'd kill a bunch of doctors
to show them that killing is wrong?
Does that make sense to you, Peter?
Well...
Does it? I... guess not.
(sighs) So what the hell do we do, huh?
I mean, we're not gonna solve anything
by standing here screaming at each other.
You and I are in this together, Peter.
And whatever we decide, we both have to agree
that it's the right thing to do.
Well, so now what?
I say we go upstairs and have a long talk,
and we don't come down until we've made a decision
that we both can live with.
(sighs)
All right, Lois.
Well, I think we made the right decision.
I mean, sure, having a baby costs a fortune.
There's cutbacks on things we love.
There's diapers and crying and late nights with no sleep,
flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition.
But you know what?
It's one more person to share the world with.
Another little voice in the backseat of the car.
One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
We had the abortion.