Family Guy (1998–…): Season 8, Episode 19 - The Splendid Source - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
Good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Hi, this is Peter.

Don't get scared that you can
hear my voice but can't see me.



This is the story of a great adventure that
happened to me and some of my pals.

It all began innocently enough
with my stupid wife...

showing me
some dumb-ass brochure.

So here's where we'll all be staying
this weekend.

You and I will have one cabin...

and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire
will have the other two.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.

- Hi, Chris. How was school?
- Not good.

- I got suspended for saying bad words.
- Oh, for god's sake!

My principal wants to meet
with you guys.

- Should we go? It sounds like a trap.
- Yes, Peter. We should go.

If it's a trap and we don't come back,
I get to make smart-alecky remarks...

when we're tied up back to back
like last time.

Anymore bright ideas, professor?



Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
the reason Chris was suspended...

is that he told a very
inappropriate joke in class.

Principal Shepherd,
we promise you, it won't happen again.

I don't know where Chris heard the joke
but I can assure you it wasn't at home.

- Was it, Chris?
- No, Mr. Quagmire told it to me.

I should have figured.

The one where the blind man
walks by the fish market and says:

- "Good morning, ladies"?
- Ha, ha! I told you that one.

- You told me that one.
- I sure did.

We enjoy each other's company.

Well, I suppose if I have your word
that this won't happen again...

we can allow Chris
to return to school.

I promise, my husband will have a talk
with Quagmire. Won't you, Peter? Peter?

Mr. Griffin, don't touch that.
That's the school PA system.

Attention, student body.

You will now listen as I
attempt to swallow this microphone.

Peter!

Peter, what are you doing?

Pull! Pull!
Ung, ugh.

Peter!

I did it. I did it.
That was all that noise. I did it.

Hey, Quagmire,
you got Chris suspended from school...

for telling one of your dirty jokes.
- I'm sorry.

- You want me to talk to him?
- Well, no. I want you to tell me the joke.

- Yeah. Tell us the joke.
- You wanna hear it? All right.

So this chick meets a guy at a bar
and...

"P.S. Your vagina's in the sink."

- Oh, God, I crapped my pants.
- Ha, ha.

It's funny when it happens
to other people.

Ugh, that's the end
of those underwear.

I took them off
and hummed them at the wall...

and they started sliding down
like one of them sticky octopuses.

It's a pretty funny joke
when you think about it.

- "Your vagina's in the sink."
- Ha-ha-ha!

Damn it!

Wow, he poops
every time he hears that joke.

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. He does, doesn't he?

Get out of here, Quagmire,
I just put on clean pants.

Who's texting me?

Ha-ha-ha... Damn it!

Stop it, you guys,
you're ruining all my clothes.

Can I see your driver's license
and registration?

Is there a problem, officer?

Is he telling it?
- Yeah.

Ha-ha-ha... Damn it!

Fuck you, guys!

Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep.

Peter!
You just crapped all over the bed!

When you poop in your dreams,
you poop for real.

- Hello, fellas.
- Hey, Pete...

- Those are my pants.
- That's right.

Thought I'd come by and see if you have
any jokes to tell. I enjoy a joke.

I don't know. I wanna tell the joke
but I like those pants.

- I'll tell the joke.
- Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus.

Don't you dare.
I'll push you into traffic.

Peter, you win.
I won't tell the joke anymore.

I gotta admit, Quagmire,
despite all the problems...

that joke is freaking hilarious.
Where'd you hear it?

- Bruce told it to me.
- No way. Where'd he hear it?

I don't know, probably just around.
Where does any dirty joke come from?

Joe's right. There's a million of them.
They gotta be coming from somewhere.

- Somebody's gotta be making these up.
- Who?

I don't know,
but haven't you ever wanted to find out?

Well, yeah,
but how would anyone do that?

A quest, Joe. We go on a quest to find
the source of the world's dirty jokes.

- Who's with me?
- Well, I'm with you.

Oh, what the hell, so am I.

And so began our journey...

to find the splendid source
of off-color humor as we know it.

Our first stop was to see Bruce.

- Oh, hey. What size shoes is you all?
- We're not here to bowl.

We were wondering where you heard
that joke you told Quagmire.

Oh, that one?

Oh, no. I'm not gonna tell you all that
one here at the workplace. Too dirty.

Maybe after quitting time,
I'll have a mimosa and tell you then.

Look, you blade,
tell us who you heard it from.

It turned out the joke
already had quite a history.

Bruce heard it from Consuela.
Consuela heard it from Mayor West.

West heard it from Dr. Hartman.
Hartman heard it from Angela.

Angela from Opie. Opie from Herbert.
Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker.

Tucker heard it from Bender
on Futurama, oddly enough.

Bender heard it from Al Harrington.
Harrington from REO Speedwagon.

Heard it from a friend who

Heard it from a friend who
Heard it from another

REO Speedwagon
saved us several stops...

as they too had backtracked
the joke to some extent.

When their trail led to a bartender
in Virginia, they had given up.

Much the way the world
had given up on them.

Just to kick them a couple bucks, here's
five seconds of "Time for Me to Fly."

No, don't! All the money goes
to my bitch ex-wife!

- Can you play our song?
Okay, lead singer from Asia.

Now, sure as
the sun will cross the sky

This lie is over

We can't go to Virginia. Bonnie and Lois
planned that couples' weekend in Maine.

We're supposed to leave
in the morning.

We've looked long enough.
Maybe the joke doesn't have a source.

Somebody had to have made it up,
and we're gonna find out who.

This'll be way more fun than
hanging out in Maine with the wives...

sitting around a campfire
listening to Lois tell grocery stories.

"Peter, you should have been there.

Uncle Ben's converted brown rice
was on sale.

"They marked it down from $12 to...
To 3..."

Whatever.
I don't know how much rice is...

but you know what I'm saying.

Okay, Peter, I've got the directions.

Head north on the turnpike. That's gonna
be the quickest route to Maine.

Sure, Lois.

Say, ladies, I was wondering if you
could tell me, what was childbirth like?

Oh, Glenn, you have no idea.

It's something
no man could understand.

Think of the most intense pain
you've ever felt...

and imagine feeling that for hours.

By the eighth month, I had hemorrhoids
that hung like bunches of grapes.

And then they said
I was four centimeters dilated.

They didn't think I was far enough,
but I was like:

"I can tell you, I'm far enough."

And that's when Chris was born.

Gosh, that's all so fascinating.

Let me ask you, have you ever worked
in an office with other women...

who you have negative things
to say about?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.

Quagmire, shut up. We're here.

You drove us to Virginia?

Look, we're sorry we deceived you girls,
but this is important.

The trail leads to a bartender
who works here.

He could be the source
of the dirty joke.

Hi there.
What can I do for you gentlemen?

We've traveled a very long way
to find out where you heard this joke.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

I remember that.
I heard it from that guy.

- Cleveland?
- Hey, fellas.

Holy crap.
Who knew we'd run into you here?

Except everyone,
if Fox ruined it in the promos.

What a surprise this is.

Donna, it's so nice of you
to invite us to stay here.

Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think
we've seen you folks since the wedding.

Still waiting on that gift.

The gift was the show.

She doesn't know
what she's talking about.

It's great to have you all here.

You'd better hide the markers from your
kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Somebody colored in your ass
with too much ass, fat ass.

Let's get down to business.
Who told you the joke?

A bellhop at the Royale Hotel
in Washington, D.C.

I met him when I took Cleveland Jr.
There to see the Lincoln Memorial.

But then Daddy got frustrated
because he couldn't find it.

So we just ate fast food
in the parking lot.

I'm just saying
maybe put up a damn sign.

Anyway,
the bellhop's name is Sal Russo.

- He knows every dirty joke ever written.
- Then that's the guy we gotta talk to.

Everyone, don't get too used
to being around black people...

we are going to Washington, D.C.

Wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice
enough to invite us to stay the weekend.

Frankly, that sounds better
than continuing this wild-goose chase.

Lois, if you and Bonnie wanna stay here,
maybe Cleveland could join us?

It'd be just like old times.
What do you say, Cleveland?

Oh, I don't know.
I've kind of got my own life now.

If you have a change of heart
and wanna chase us down the street...

as we're pulling away,
you know where to find us.

Okay, guys, I got one. Would you rather
get a massage from a man...

or surgery from a female doctor?

- Wow.
- Like, minor surgery?

No, serious surgery
like a blown kidney or something.

- Jeez.
- Good question, Peter.

- Is the man gay?
- No.

Is the female doctor
at least Jewish or Asian?

You know what?
I'm gonna take it up a notch.

Hispanic female doctor
or gay male masseuse?

- Hispanic from Spain?
- No.

So it's basically, would you rather
get a massage from a gay man or die?

I got another one.
Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth...

or eat a raw slice
of Anderson Cooper's ass?

Sign me up for Cooper.

- Aah!
- Aah! What the hell?

What was that about?
Who were those guys?

I don't know, but I'll tell you this...

I saw one of them back in the bar
in Stoolbend.

They were following us?

Either that or they got a grudge
against our back windshield.

Joe, that's so dumb.

- Why would anybody be trying to kill us?
- It might be safe to assume...

that someone does not want us
to learn the origin of that joke.

We had no idea how
right Cleveland was.

And if we had known
what lay ahead...

we would have stopped right there
and gone straight back to Quahog.

But we didn't know. We didn't know.

There it is. Washington, D.C.

The seat of government for the world's
former most powerful nation.

Those are all the monuments
I read about in school.

There's the Washington Monument.

There's the Obama Monument.

And there's the Vietnam War Memorial.

Check that Vietnamese guy
giving business to those Vietnam vets.

Scoreboard! Scoreboard!

Oh, what happened to your friend?

Hey, I know that guy. I kill him.
He cry like a bitch.

Vietnam! Undefeated!

All right, this is the hotel
where the bellhop works.

Hey, there he is. Sal!

Well, hey, Cleveland.
What are you doing here?

I was wondering if my friends
and I could ask you a few questions.

Where'd you hear that joke
you told Cleveland?

That's none of your business.
Leave me alone.

Don't let him get away!

Hop on.

Where did he go?

I think he went that way
past the reflecting pool.

Damn, he's nowhere in sight. I'll ask
these fellas. Maybe they've seen him.

Excuse me, have you seen...?
Hold on a second, I'm trying...

Hold on a sec... Hey, pal,
stop talking while I'm talking, all right?

You want a sandwich full of knuckles?
That's it, Cleveland, you take Cleveland.

Joe, you take Joe.
Quagmire, you take Quagmire.

And I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth.

It's no use, Peter.

We've lost him.

Our journey had abruptly ended
and the trail had gone cold.

Well, I guess we're never gonna find
the source of that joke.

I guess there's nothing to do now
but head back home.

- Stop right where you are.
- Down on the ground.

We were terrified
that this would prove...

to be an unexpected end
to our journey.

But little did we know
our journey was far from over.

All right,
did you get the parking validated?

Ugh, no.

That was the reason
we walked through Crate & Barrel.

We'd been captured,
tied up and kidnapped.

And as if that weren't bad enough...

we found ourselves on a plane
headed to an unknown destination.

- Where the hell are they taking us?
- I don't know but I got a bad feeling.

Ugh, every plane.

Every plane there's gotta be
a crying baby and a mother ignoring it.

Yes, he's crying. Babies cry.

After flying
for what seemed like hours...

we found ourselves approaching
a strange island on the horizon.

What the hell is this place?

It is that which you have been seeking,
gentlemen.

- Who are you?
- I am the dean.

- The dean of what?
- The Dean of the Secret Order...

of Dirty Joke Writers.

Wow.

So these are the people who write
all the world's dirty jokes?

- Indeed they are.
- Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking?

So the housewife tells the plumber,
"Okay, you cleaned my pipes...

now get to work on that sink."

And there's Bill Gates.

Is there some joke area
of a beaver eating a woodpecker?

Is that something? Would that work?

And there's Warren Buffett.

So the gym teacher says,
"How'd you get the two black eyes?"

She says, "I don't know." Oh, I forgot
to say she's got two big jugs.

Wow, these are some of the world's
smartest people.

- Not a lot of women.
- Yeah. Not a lot of women.

What are they all doing here?

Well, many of the world's greatest
geniuses secretly devote themselves...

to coming up
with the world's dirtiest jokes.

Oh, it's been that way for centuries.

Great men such as Ben Franklin,
Charles Dickens...

Albert Einstein,
Shakespeare, of course.

I got a spear you can shake. Ha!

There you go.
Put that in one of your jokes.

Let me show you around.

From this room, we can see
the entire world's joke supply.

This way we can tailor jokes
to where the need is greatest.

We have a best man giving a toast
at a wedding and he is just bombing.

Put it up on the screen.

Jim's... Jim's so clumsy...

it's like he's got two, ahem,
left feet and left hands.

Permission to go
to the bride-is-a-whore file.

Permission granted.

Anyway, if Sheila was a road sign,
it would read, "Open trench."

Well, gentlemen, I hope you've enjoyed
the tour of our facility.

This was amazing.

Guys, we did it. We found the source
of the world's dirty jokes.

I can't wait to tell all the guys
back at The Clam.

Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible.

- What do you mean?
- Well, you've seen our secret island.

You know about our network of joke
distribution agents, like the bellhop.

We can't allow the secret
to be revealed.

I'm afraid you must stay here
for the rest of your lives.

What are we gonna do now?

We gotta come up
with an escape plan.

Hey, guys. I can see the plane
that brought us here.

If we can figure a way to get to it,
I can fly us home.

I got an idea.
One of us should pretend we're hurt.

When the guards come in to give him
medical attention, we'll jump him.

That's perfect.
Cleveland, you got a pencil on you?

- Oh, I don't know. Wait, here you go.
- Thanks.

- Aah! What the hell?
- Hey, help! Help!

- We have an emergency!
- You dick!

- What's going on?
- This man has been injured.

He needs medical attention.

Come on, let's get out of here.

All right.
Let's hurry up and find a way out.

Well, well. It's quite clear the four of
you are going to be a problem. Kill them.

My God, I've done it.
After 80 years of work and research...

I have written the greatest dirty joke
in the history of mankind.

- Give me that.
- Not on your life.

Take one step closer
and the paper gets it.

Drop your guns. Do as he says.

Put it out! Put it out!

Oh, my God! It's heading for
the first dead-baby joke ever written.

Look what we did.

We destroyed a place that brought joy
and laughter to the entire world.

Is that the end of all dirty jokes?

Well, maybe it is, but Peter's got
the best one ever written right there.

Read it, Peter.

"Guess what? Chicken butt."

That's it? That's the joke?

No, this is the joke.

- Aah!
- Now take me back to Virginia...

so I can put some bacitracin on this
and pork my wife.

It was a great adventure.

And it was great having Cleveland
along with us again.

He hasn't changed a bit,
didn't grab one check.

Anyway, that's our story about the
splendid source of all dirty jokes.

For those of you who stuck around
till the end, you deserve a reward.

So here's some footage
of an ape scratching himself.

See, the March of Dimes wanted
this air time...

to talk about cancer kids or something,
but I was like, "No way, monkey scratch."

Well, Peter, I'm glad you and the guys
finally found what you were looking for.

We did. It's just sad
that 230 people had to die...

in the most gruesome way
imaginable.

But our idle curiosity was satisfied,
so everything worked out.

You went halfway around the world
for this joke, I never even got to hear it.

- Yeah, me neither.
- Yeah, come on, Dad. Tell the joke.

You wanna hear it? This chick goes on
a date with this guy she wants to fuck.

But she's worried because
she's got a huge vagina...

from fucking so many other guys.

So she gets a piece of liverwurst
and shoves it in her vagina...

so when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
- Maybe this isn't family conversation.

Shut the fuck up. So she puts
the liverwurst in her vagina...

goes home with the guy, fucks him,
everything seems fine.

She wakes up the next morning
and he's gone.

And he's left her a note that says,
"Thank you for a lovely evening.

However, I don't think this is going
to work out.

"P.S. Your vagina is in the sink."

Now, I'm gonna leave the room now
as I have just shit myself again.